Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are gone?

I bet they're doing Princess Stephanie's favourite cake recipe for the prisoner

support group get -together.

What's it say?

First hire one chef.

Here, Trace, any good, rich, unmarried Spanish princes in there for me? Yeah,

but it's an old one, so they're all spoken for now.

Here it is. Double chocolate whipped cream fudge cake.

Oh, leave me to it.

Here, Trace, do you reckon that Gil Baker will be coming down for the

group meeting?

Well, I suppose so, if he's down visiting his wife.

Get on really well, we do.

Oi, you.

He's a married man.

I know, I know.

Are you going to get it?

Well, suppose it's that Jehovah's Witness again.

He was a Jehovah's Witness.

He was a Seventh -day Adventist.

Seventh -day dentist, the jaw -wrecking he give me.

You don't usually come out on a Friday night.

I know, but this is an emergency.

Do you have a holy Bible?

I've got a holy vest.

I've got a book of common prayer.

You would have.

Didn't you get given a Bible when you was little? Of course, but it was a

Bible. Aye?

The Old Testament, but right now I need a New Testament.

Oh, if it's new, you've got to have one, haven't you?

A very attractive young missionary... Is in position.

..is returning in a few minutes, and I do... think he wants to read the latest

Jilly Cooper with me.

Though you're hoping to get him to reenact one.

It's not that Jehovah's God bother who came round before, is it? His name is

Stanley. He's a theological student with the First Church of the Spiritual

Regeneration. And you're inviting him into your house?

Of course. He's gorgeous, didn't you notice?

No, I'm sorry for the spy on. It made him look like Jiminy Cricket.

You're lost.

He used to be on an Olympic wrestling team. He's got the body of a Greek god.

Who said the body of a Greek god?

Unfortunately, it was the Greek god of lager.

What about Marcus?

He's got the body of a Greek salad.

But as he's away all week, I thought perhaps Stanley could be persuaded to

me his pecs. I could never fancy a bloke in glasses.

But first, we have to read the New Testament together.

All right, I'll go and get it for you. Do you want to borrow my crucifix and

all? Oh, no, he knows I'm Jewish.

That's what makes me a challenge.

think you're a bit too long in the tooth for this sort of thing? What, religion?

I mean, what are you hoping to get out of it?

Apart from that.

I mean, we're not talking meaningful relationships here, are we?

But I believe in meaningful relationships.

Lots of them.

With lots of different men.

I'm bored without myself.

You know, a string of willing studs just passing through me life.

You wish.

You haven't had a man since you tripped up that drunk in the green man and

managed to get under him before he hit the deck.

You see, Stanley's different.

He's innocent.

Naive.

A clean sheet on which an imaginative woman can inscribe her deepest

Well, just remember to wash the sheet before Marcus gets on.

Brilliant. I could do my legs with it.

And you'd be a bit rough on the old bikini line.

Hello?

Am I too early?

You're about 12 years too late.

Hiya, Gil.

Hiya.

I'm really pleased you could make it down.

Yeah, me too.

What have you got against this grass?

How do you mean?

You're not making much of a fist of it, are you? I mean, the stripes are

supposed to go up and down, not round and round like someone nailed one of

feet to the floor.

Oh, you're an ex. Are you? What were your council flat in your window box?

Compared to you, I am, yeah.

Tell you what, why don't I finish it for you?

Are you insured to drive one of those?

No sweat.

Wish I could say the same.

All right, then. Thanks. You're in charge.

I'm just going to make myself presentable.

You look fine to me as you are.

Yeah. Then your wife's been away a long while, hasn't she?

Sharon, has the half -naked man just come out of my shower?

Top half or bottom half?

I know what's been going on.

What's been going on?

Nothing.

It's Gil. Didn't you recognise him? Not in the nude, no.

What was he doing in my shower?

Well, that's a tricky one, Tracey.

Look, this is my hair.

Yes, I know.

You have reminded me the odd thousand times. I don't mind you inviting people

as long as you ask me first.

It ain't as if he's a stranger, is it? Well, he ain't exactly family. He's been

to a few meetings.

I'm surprised you weren't in there with him.

Chance be a fine thing.

Oh, hello, Tracy.

Hope you don't mind me using your shower.

Mind? Course not.

You're nearly family, aren't you?

Right, what's everyone's news?

Gil. Any progress on your Karen's parole?

Not yet, but I should know in a few days.

Oh, well, we all wish her the best of luck, eh?

The thing is, I'm getting right nervous.

What, you're scared she might not get out?

No, I think I'm frightened she will. You see, I mean, I've stood by her, you

know, regular visits every other Saturday when City are playing away.

She's lucky.

Usually when a woman goes inside, it's a bloke who starts playing away.

Lately I've come to realise she's not the woman I married. I know what you

love. My roof has changed too.

It's an effort to visit him these days, but... You feel earned that much, eh?

Luckily, he's got at least another five to do.

Luckily? Yeah, because if he came out, I'd have to tell him about my Jackie.

Which just happens to be the name of the bloke she's seen on the side.

Hardly on the side, Sharon. We've got joint mortgage.

Well, Rupert doesn't know.

No. Well, I expect he never made it to the air swarming party.

Well, I reckon honesty is the best policy.

Oh, come off it, Trace. We're all here because we're married to villains.

Exactly, and if they'd stayed on, they'd still be here, wouldn't they?

But as they ain't, I reckon the least we can do is be truthful and share

everything with them.

I reckon Tracy's right.

For once.

My relationship with Chris is founded on total honesty.

I think he's pathetic, despicable, with about as much charm as a pus -filled

boil.

I've told him so.

You haven't. I have.

The only reason we still see each other is we've got a little business together.

Plus. When he's really depressed.

He sets me up for the week, you know.

I mean it, Bill.

If I was to find Mr. Right, Chris Theodopolopoulos would be history faster

you can say Chris Theodopolopoulos.

Chris Theodopolopoulos.

Blimey, you're a fast worker.

Where the hell have you been? You promised to help me reline my drawers.

Boom, boom.

Well?

I walked Gil to Chibwell Station, didn't I?

Which is ten minutes away.

We had a lot to talk about, so we went for a little drink.

Anyway, what's it to you as long as I don't bring him into your sacred house?

You know I never said that. It don't matter anyway.

Too happy to argue.

Oh, it was dead romantic, Trace.

We sat in that waiting room for ages.

Just like close encounters.

You mean brief encounter.

No. I never let them near me knickers on a first date.

I don't respect you after that.

I've heard it all before, Sharon.

Yeah, but Gil's different, Trace. We've got so much in common.

Oh, yeah, like you both haven't had it lately.

No.

I mean, our marriages, our situations, our hopes, our dreams.

We're just so compatible.

Plus, he's the best kisser since... He's the best kisser.

You've been at it already?

No.

We had a lingering goodbye snog as his train pulled out.

So he missed that one.

Then we kissed a little bit longer.

Then a Mr McWhirter came up and tapped us on the shoulder and he said,

Congratulations, you've just made it into the Guinness Book of Records.

I don't see why I've got to justify myself to you, Tracy. You don't. I mean,

hardly know him.

I met him months ago.

Four meetings ago. A grand tour of ten hours.

But that's... It's given us time to mull each other over.

Time to realise what we mean to each other.

A quick fumble on Chigwell Station.

It's more than that, Trace. Oh, what do you mean? A slow fumble?

Oh, come on, Sharon. You're not going to tell me you're in love?

No, I'm not going to tell you, because you'll just take the piss.

Let's just say me and Gil belong together.

Until his wife comes out.

Anyway, he lives in Manchester.

Only because of the kids?

Yes, Sharon. What about the kids?

Mum's been looking after him.

Anyway, he's coming back down tomorrow. He's going to check into a hotel and we

can spend the week getting to know each other.

What, so I ain't going to see you all week?

Look, I know it's a bit sudden, Trace, but when love comes into your life,

you've got to grab it with both hands.

So that's what you'll be doing in his room next week, is it?

Yeah, with the occasional meal breaks.

The Punk Bayonets.

You said no secrets.

What were you? A branch of the catering corps?

No. Withenshaw's first ever punk band.

And I was lead spitter.

Oh, really?

Were you any good?

We were crap.

There again, that was the whole point of our punk, wasn't it? And we nearly made

it. We booked on the all -grey whistle test, but during rehearsals, Phil Filthy

Phlegm, our drummer, gobbed into Bob Harris' beard.

Phil Filthy Phlegm.

Wasn't his real name.

No, you're amazing.

No, his real name's Roy Leverett. Last I heard, he was assistant works manager

at Smith's Crisps in Tamworth.

Let's hope he's pecked up gobbing then.

What was your nom de punk?

Cedric Thnot.

With two T's.

You're making all this up. No, no, honest, we haven't had a top 38.

You never.

Come on, surely you remember. Get your laughing gear round this on the sticky

label.

you come to mention it?

Val Doonigan did a cover version, didn't he? Oh, no, no.

Don't take them, Mick. It would have gone to number one, but we had a bit of

luck. What?

Radio One refused to ban it.

You know, Sharon, you're a real tonic.

You too.

It feels so right, doesn't it?

Yeah.

So you'll tell him, then?

Of course.

And you'll tell her?

Next visiting day, of course.

Here you are, Tracy.

Thanks. I'll give it to Sharon when she deigns to come home. She ought to read

the bit about adultery.

She's still after her new life, partner.

I suppose so. It's in her for the best part of the week.

She's always either at the cast or at Gil's No Star Hotel in Leyton with hot

cold running mice.

Do you think it's serious?

I don't know what I think.

The silly pair of capes. Will any bit of a bloke look for her twice?

No skin off my nose.

She's old enough to look after herself.

Anyway, what about you and God's bodybuilder?

Pulled any interesting muscles yet?

We have moved beyond mere bodily lusts, Tracy, if you don't mind.

Aye? Well, I never thought it would happen, but the hours spent poring over

good book with Stanley have started to have the strangest effect on me.

What, you mean the bits that make Jackie Collins look like the Daymark

catalogue? No, no, Tracy.

Don't you see?

Stanley says that I have been a shallow, selfish, blinkered fool, only concerned

with immediate physical gratification.

Well, he's right, so?

No, he's started to show me the hidden truths in the Bible.

That we should all start to live good, honest Christian lives.

Christian? You?

In the widest sense, Stanley means.

After all, Jesus was Jewish.

This isn't a wind -up, is it, Dor?

Watch out!

Oh, hello.

No, don't tell me your name. It's on the tip of my tongue.

Oh, it's just like this is your life when they bring on some stranger you

seen since you were little.

What have you got the hunt for? You ain't me mum. I know. So why am I doing

ironing? Oh, great.

I wanted to wear this tomorrow when I break the news to Chris.

You're going to tell him about Gil?

Yeah. But it's only been a week. Don't you think it's a bit quick, though?

Judge not, lest you be judged.

Eh? He's got that old -time religion.

Is this a wind -up?

It's all down to that Stanley.

Really?

See, it's not how long you know someone, Trace. It's their will, isn't it, Dor?

I was hoping that a week long stop nookie at Gil's doffer might have got

this out of your system.

Look, how many times do I have to tell you, Trace?

Don't you want me to be happy?

Well, of course I do.

Well, what about his poor wife in Holloway?

I mean, there she is, serving four years, and for what?

For defrauding 73 branches of Littlewoods.

Plus pouring a kettle of boiling water over the arresting officer.

Did she?

Well, she still deserves some support.

the porch, you need psychoanalysis.

I mean, if you're defrauding a shop, what's wrong with Harvey Nichols?

That's not the point, Dawn.

If this boiling water laugh is any indication, I want that to be in your

when she gets out.

If she knows where to find us.

Eh?

Well, it just so happens that Gil's been offered a job in Norwich.

She'll never find us there, will she?

Us? Norwich?

You mean you're leaving?

We want to be together, Trace.

I hardly think he's going to be likely to move in here, is he? What about the

cafe?

I'll sell my after one to Chris's cousins.

They're always on at him about it since he started making money.

So you're going to up sticks and move to the end of the world with some bloke

you only met a week ago?

Norwich ain't the end of the world, Trace.

No, but you can see it from there.

I can't believe you do this, Sharon. Aren't you happy here?

Yes, of course.

Most of the time.

But it's not my... Bone trace? Not really.

Anyway, you've got to take love where you can find it. Love? What do you know

about love?

I know enough.

You and Daryl didn't invent it, you know. All you know about is sex.

You'd seduce the Pope if he knocked on the door for a cup of sugar.

I'm right, aren't I, Dore? Well, personally, the Pope has always struck

Hermesita sort of guy.

Can't you two take anything serious?

I take guilt seriously.

Oh, that's not what I meant.

I can't say nothing right, can I? Well, don't tell me you're surprised.

Well, I suppose I hope she'll be happy for me. What have you got to be happy

about? You've just told her you're off to East Anglia.

No, Norwich!

It's in East Anglia.

Trust me.

She can visit. It's only a couple of hours' drive.

Yes, well, visiting isn't the same as sharing your life with someone. You've

been together for three years. You're like husband and wife.

In fact, the nookie.

Many marriages are nookie -free, I can assure you. Well, me and Gil won't be

like that.

I'm sure.

But there's more to a relationship than dynamite sex.

Are you positive about Gil? Yes.

I think.

Look, Dor, if I don't take this chance, I may never get another.

Look, if that's how you... Look, if that's how you really feel, I'll blow

out. Well, that's all right, then.

No.

You were supposed to say, don't be so stupid, Sharon, you can't give up the

you love just like that.

Well, go on then, say it. I don't want to.

And anyway, why does it have to be so quick?

Men are like that, Trace.

They get excited and wham, bam, it's all over.

You know what I mean.

If you'd been caught him for a few months, if he'd put a ring on your

I'd got to know him as well. Oh, I know him.

Isn't that what counts? What do you know?

I know enough to know I want to be with him. And not with me.

That's not the point.

Look, when the boys got sent down, it was the first time I'd ever really been

alone. All them weeks Dale was on remand were the loneliest weeks of my life.

When you invited yourself here to live... Excuse me.

When you invited me, or should I say begged me... Either way.

Either way is what kept me going.

But it's different now, Trace.

We're older, we're wiser, we're tougher.

You can make it without me. I don't want to.

Tracy, please don't do this to me.

Look, Sharon, you can invite anyone here to use the show at any time. You don't

have to ask.

What about the jacuzzi?

I'm sorry, show. I've got to draw the line somewhere.

See what I mean?

At least we'd guilt I won't be made to feel like a lodger.

Come on, Trace, cheer up.

You can visit.

It's only a couple of hours' drive to East Anglia.

I thought you was going to Norwich.

And the new fruit pies are going great. And they're two pound a dozen cheaper.

Great. We got a back refund last week.

73 quid. Amazing, isn't it?

Whoopee.

Tracy had some of the prisoner's wives over last weekend.

Fully for them.

And a prisoner's husband.

Did you?

Quite a nice bloke, really.

Who? He used to be in a punk band. I don't give a munchies, Sharon.

All right.

Look, these prisoners' wives, what came over?

Yeah. Was there a Letha Shemansky among them?

I think so.

What's she to you?

Nothing to me.

She was everything to her old man, though.

Oh. Yeah.

Nice boat, Pete Shemansky.

Been my cellmate for the last couple of months.

Blimey, he knew some dirty jokes.

And he could play the penny whistle just like an Irish James Galway.

James Galway is Irish.

Well, there you go.

I'll tell you something else.

His marriage was like a rock. Made Tracy and Daryl look like Mr and Mrs

Handicap.

Then, one day, he gets a letter.

Oh, dear John.

His name's Pete.

Anyway, she's met this bloke.

A milkman, would you believe?

You know, they get friendly over the months. Kids like him too. I expect he's

seduced them with that chocolate milk.

Yeah.

Well, you can guess the rest.

Did he take it bad, your celly? Yeah.

The first thing he did was give me this.

Why?

Because I happened to come into the cell at that precise moment and said, do you

want milk in your tea?

Then yesterday, I come back to my cell after recreation and he'd only upended

his bed, hadn't he?

Yeah, so?

So. So he was bleeping hanging off it, weren't he?

What, you mean he topped himself?

Yeah, a bloody good try.

I tell you, if Fat Ron hadn't trodden on the ping -pong ball, which led to a

punch -up, which led to recreation being curtailed ten minutes early... Yeah,

he's all right, though, isn't he?

He's alive.

He ain't all right.

Oh.

So, all in all, it shook me up a bit.

Sorry.

Anyway, what about this punk you've met?

Still got a Mohican, has he?

No, of course not.

He's a boring old sign -writer now.

You're all right, you are, Shell.

Eh? No, I mean, I know we've never been the world's biggest love story.

You give me more stick than Maggie gives John Major.

You've always been here for me, though, haven't you?

I wouldn't say always, Chris.

Do you know how many times you've visited me since I've been in stir?

No.

55 times out of a possible 78.

Pretty good, really, for a no -hoper like me, eh?

Yeah, I suppose it is.

So, what about this punk sign writer then?

You going to run off with him, are you?

Would you top yourself if I did?

Don't know.

People do funny things when a balance of their mind gets disturbed.

You've been disturbed for years.

I ain't going to run off with no one, all right?

Only, well, you don't normally go on about men you've met.

I don't normally meet blokes whose idea of dressing up is wearing a clean bin

liner.

Can I have a cup of tea?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sharon, no milk.

Look, Dor, it could have been a lot worse.

How? Well, he only nicked your credit cards. At least he didn't take any

personal liberties.

He toyed with my soul, Tracy.

Don't be so dramatic.

Anyway, you've reported him stolen there, so he won't get away with much.

harm done, eh?

No harm?

Tracey, there was a moment there with Stanley where my life seemed to actually

make sense.

That he was just a petty con man.

What was that with her?

That's Stanley.

What's he done to her? Nicked her wallet.

Sharon, it was awful.

I was just kneeling there on the carpet with my eyes shut tight.

I thought you'd risen above the purely physical doll.

He said his church believes in silent personal prayer.

Then he said his bleep had gone off. Hadn't it?

Well, of course not.

But he said it was one of those silent ones.

So, you keep them in your trouser pocket and they sort of vibrate when you're

needed.

Really?

You want to get one of them, Trace.

Anyway, he said he had to go and phone his archdeacon.

So I just knelt there, praying to God to help me sort my life out.

Oh, God, I was so stupid.

I mean, it all happened because he got such a beautiful body.

Oh, God, he did have a beautiful body.

How could I be taken in with all that religious rubbish?

It's not rubbish, Dor.

Just because Stanley conjured doesn't mean there isn't a God. I didn't say

Tracy. Of course there's a God.

And he's Jewish.

He's just taught me a lesson.

Dorian, all right?

Yeah. She's feeling much better.

She's just found an old credit card slip in her purse. So she's on the phone

ordering herself a set of miniature Poulsen handbells depicting the crest of

crown heads of Europe as featured in my old Hello magazine.

What's she want those for?

She don't. She just finds ordering therapeutic.

So, did you tell Chris?

Yeah, I told him.

What? Told him what?

I told him about meeting Gil and the punk band and everything.

Everything? Including your forthcoming change of address?

Couldn't tell him, Trace.

He was too down.

Something's really getting to me.

Sometimes you forget just how awful it really is. You might.

I'll never forget.

No, of course not.

Anyway, I couldn't.

You see, a cellmate tried to top himself the other week over his wife running

off and leaving him.

Oh, my God.

Mind you, it could have been sharing a cell with Chris that pushed him over the

edge.

I mean, there was many a time back in Camelot House I'd have cheerfully jumped

out the window as a counter and painted them shut.

Have you changed your mind about Gil, then?

No. I just ain't going to tell Chris.

Well, not till he perks up.

Judging by today's display, that could be sometime during 1997.

So you're still going to leave me, then?

Get off my case, will you?

That wasn't a very mature thing to do, was it, Tracy?

I think they're in here.

Oh, surprise, surprise.

Well, how did you get on?

Well, er... Well, Tracy might as well stay.

I tell her everything anyway.

But Dorian's had a very trying day, so she's off home for a lie down, isn't

Dor? I'm feeling much better now, thank you.

What's the word on your Karen's parole?

Did she get it? Yes, she did.

Well, good for her. Or at least the parole board said they'd consider

her out if she had a stable home life to return to.

Well, I understand, Gil.

I mean, you may not love her, but you owe her that much, don't you? What?

Don't be stupid. I don't owe her a thing.

I said no way.

I said I had somebody on the outside, and as far as I was concerned, it was

between me and her.

You didn't? I bloody did.

So, I hope you told your loser of a husband.

You mean you condemned your poor wife to two more years in the nick?

How could you?

What kind of a man are you?

She's not a poor wife. She's a wife that's based with knockers.

Anyway, I did it for you.

Couplers! You did it for yourself.

That poor woman.

But I love you, Sharon. Love?

What do you know about love?

Look, I may not have much time for my Chris.

But if his parole depended on me being there for him, then that's where I'd be.

Just going to show you, doesn't it?

One of the Cedrics, not all of the Cedrics, not, eh, Trace?

Sharon, you don't know. You don't know what she's like. Yeah, and maybe Sharon

don't know you either. Don't interfere, Tracey.

Tracey's right.

I don't know you.

Not really.

Look, what if I got into trouble?

Or we just didn't work out?

It'd be different.

It wouldn't, Gil.

But... No buts.

Just get out of my house, will you?

I mean it, Gil.

Please show yourself out.

Oh, yes, and it tries.

Of course it shall.

Till Daryl gets there.

What'll I do When you are far

away And I am you What'll

I do When I'm alone With all

dream.