Original subtitles

Here's a weird one for you.

Poetic athlete seeks athletic poetess for high jinks on the high wire with no

safety net.

Married man seeks bit on the side.

What about six foot four rugged Porsche owning businessman seeks fun loving soul

mate for discreet pleasure.

Another married man seeks bit on the side.

Let's face it Trace.

You ain't going to find many eligible millionaires advertising in the Chigwell

shopper, are you?

Suppose not.

I wrote to one of their meds once.

It said, Arnold Schwarzenegger look -alike stockbroker wants a yuppie sex

goddess for a little bit of insider dealing on the stock market floor.

You're no yuppie sex goddess.

And he was no Arnold Schwarzenegger look -alike either.

No? No, it was Chris. Looking for a bit on the side.

Bloody liberty.

A married man advertising like that. Well, you answered it and you were

Well, only to Chris.

Must have cost him a few bob, though. I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger's got to

take up two lines.

No, it didn't cost him nothing.

He knew the bird on the classified AIDS desk.

Oh, and she gave him a free one.

You're filthy, you are. Comes from living with you for too long. Anyway, I

know why he bothered with all these lonely arts heads.

You never know, do you?

Here. Tall, handsome, blonde, international playboy seeks 33

-year -old Cockney cafe owner called Sharon.

Idiot.

Oh, this sounds interesting.

Stuck between veterinary surgeons and waste disposal experts.

What is it? A video dating agency called Love Match. Listen.

Special introductory offer.

Ten men for 45 quid.

Sounds like a mail order catalogue.

Yeah, but I bet you don't have to wait 28 days for the goods to come.

I bet I'll give it a go.

You'll be wasting your money.

You don't know that.

I've read about this video dating, Lark.

It removes the unknown quantity of when you meet a stranger for the first time.

What unknown quantity?

Is he going to look like one of the Pogues?

Right. All I have to do is polish up me personality.

Where's Daryl's camcorder?

I sold it ages ago, didn't I?

What'd you do that for?

It was just a mad impulse to be able to buy food.

Hang about.

Daryl's got one, hasn't she?

I expect so. She's got everything else.

Well, do you reckon she'll film me if I ask her?

Sharon, that woman would pay for the chance to film you making a pratty

yourself.

It's a bit on the heavy side, isn't it, doll?

It's an early model.

Marcus was the first person in Chigwell to have one, you know.

What, an unfaithful wife?

Tracy, I'm here to do you a favour.

I'm sorry. I just hope I can remember how it works.

Although I do vaguely recollect the salesman giving me a dry run.

I'll bet.

It was all so long ago.

I wonder what this button does.

Ah, red lights come on. What does that mean? You're open for business?

Very droll.

Blimey, it's tomato woman.

Well, what do you think?

I have to say you look very nice, Sharon, because to tell you the truth

only shatter your confidence.

What on earth have you put that on for?

It's what I'm going to wear down a dating agency.

I want to make a good impression, don't I? Can we get on with it, please?

Right.

It'd help if you take the front bit off, Dor.

Thank you, Sharon.

Right.

Ready?

Yes.

OK.

And... action.

Hello. My name's Sharon, and I'd like to tell you a bit about myself.

I'm a sexy scorpion, just dying to get to know you.

I suppose I'd call myself an experienced catering entrepreneur.

as I've built up a small restaurant empire since leaving business school.

I've travelled extensively and am fluent in French. Hang about. Stop, stop,

stop.

I? Tracy, I'm the director and we only stop when I say so. Well, say so then.

Cut.

What do you think you're doing? I'm just getting in my stride.

Yeah, I've never heard so many porkies. An experienced catering entrepreneur.

Well, you've got to build it up a bit, haven't you?

Yeah, not into McDonald's.

He never even qualified at ordinary school.

And the only French you're fluent in is kissing.

Well, it's me mother tongue then, isn't it?

Oh, it's only a giggle, Trace.

A little bit of exaggeration won't do no harm.

A little exaggeration? You make the Sunday sport look like the Bible.

Sharon's right, Tracey. She'd never get a man if she told the truth. She has to

tell a few white lies.

Look, I don't care as long as it gets me a bloke that knows the difference

between his sleeve and a handkerchief.

Can we start again, please?

Yes. OK.

We'll tone it down a little bit this time, all right? All right.

OK.

And... Action.

Hello.

My name's Sharon.

And I'm a Randy Ram.

Well, that's about it, then.

If you fancy me and I fancy you, well, let's not hang about.

Well, what do you reckon?

Well, you were direct, Sharon. I'll say that.

But you think I'll pull anyone?

Half a chick, well, I should know that.

Have you got me where you want me?

It's standing up, OK?

Switch it off. Switch it off.

Very impressive. I like a man who can handle his youth.

Shall I move about a bit?

Whoops.

I think you're going to write that later.

Dorian, you've got nothing on.

Yes, she has.

She's wearing a wrinkly pink capsule.

Could I have my tape back now that you have humiliated me? Oh, no way.

This is my rehearsal tape, Dor.

I've got to take it down the video dating agency. Sharon!

I just wondered, is Sharon back from the dating agency yet?

No. She's taking her time.

They probably couldn't fit her Pinocchio nose in the frame.

Hello. My name is Sharon and I'm a lying Leo.

Only I would like my tape back before half of Pigwell sees it. You mean the

that hasn't seen it already?

That was just a wind -up. She didn't really take it with her.

Oh, thank God. Well, where is it? I don't know. Under the telly, I suppose.

Thank you.

Which one is it?

I don't know. You'll have to put a few on and check.

What? I've got better things to do than wade through hundreds of episodes of

Prisma Cell Block H.

Suit yourself.

All right.

Oh, my God. What's with your bulb?

I've only managed to get some tickets for the Stones next week. The Stones?

Still at it, are they?

Me and your dad saw them once.

Earl's Court 76.

We had brilliant seats. Because your dad had just finished erecting this

conservatory for one of their roadies. Yeah? Yeah, and he never got paid for

Because a week later he got nicked for growing cannabis in it.

I had an experience with the Stones when I was 16.

What, all of them?

I couldn't get a ticket, so I climbed in through a window and found myself in

their dressing room. It was quite exciting.

I think Bill Wyman really fancied me, but I was probably too young for him.

Probably too old for him.

Yeah, well, it doesn't do my street cred much good having you wrinklies liking

the stones. Yeah, well, we won't tell if you won't.

Anyway, where'd you get them tickets from?

Off this bloke in an office above the Wimpy.

Only 35 quid.

35 pound?

It's a bargain.

Hello?

Hello, Dave.

Yeah, I got them.

No problem.

Yeah, I'll bring them round.

You tell the others.

50 quid.

Yeah, all right. Bye.

That's entertainment, Mum.

See you later.

Bye.

Oh, I don't know. He gets more like his dad every day.

On the contrary, Tracy.

He'll be putting money into building societies rather than holding them up.

Bye. Oh, Goldie, she comes.

Sex spies and videotapes.

Talking of which, where is my tape?

Oh, it's under there somewhere.

Well, how'd you get on? It was dead easy.

I walked into this room, right? They give me a glass of wine. Then we chatted

for a little bit. Then they give me another glass of wine.

And then I just sat there. And fell off the stool?

Talking into the video.

They've already given me tape for two blokes they think I might be compatible

with.

Hi. My name's Mike and I'm 35.

Let me tell you a bit about myself.

Round here, they call me the Chickwell Mover.

Probably works for Pickford's.

big in the leisure industry. Now, that means I've got plenty of cash to splash

on the roll. A chick?

Chick? You can't go out with someone who calls you a chick.

She'd be about my age, have her own business, perhaps, and be independent.

Now, I am much more interested in personality and character than in looks.

you're in luck, Sharon. He doesn't care about looks.

So, I look forward to meeting you.

Ciao for now, babe.

Oh.

Well, he seemed all right.

What? The man's a right gonk.

Well, he had a nice smile.

He was so as Hannibal Lecter.

If you ask me, the man's a gigolo. Oh, take it from me, Tracy. He's nothing

a gigolo.

Yeah, well, I like him. And it's me we're talking about.

Spung the other one on.

It's quite exciting, really, isn't it?

A bit like a Chippendale show. You never know what's going to pop up next.

The name's Bond.

James Bond.

Oh, my God, he's a nutter.

I know.

I know.

You're probably thinking, this guy's a nutter. That really is my name.

Blame my folks.

Anyway, I work as a flying instructor.

Oh, likely. I wouldn't mind lowering his undercarriage.

Yeah, he was a bit of all right, wasn't he?

What would your dad say if he knew you were ogling him? There's nothing wrong

with window shopping, as long as you don't open your purse.

Well, he's better looking than the other bloke, granted, but still a bit of a

hooray Henry, weren't he?

Well, it'd be a change for you, Sharon, to go out with a man who doesn't eat his

peas off his knife.

You wanted someone classy.

You never know, you might be right up his runway.

Well, it's not very likely, is it?

No, I prefer Mike.

He's more dance -worth.

Hello?

Who?

This is she.

Have you seen my tape?

You didn't.

You did.

You didn't.

You're joking.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah. Yeah, all right then.

Bye.

Wrong number.

That was Mike.

No. And we are hitting the town tomorrow.

What, Camden Town?

Why do you have to be so negative, Trace? Because you could do better.

You ain't still on about biggles, are you?

You know what?

I reckon you fancy him yourself.

And as you can't touch, you want me to go out with him so you can grab yourself

a second -hand thrill.

No. I just think he's got nice eyes.

Oh, yeah, you've got two of them.

Anyway, that mic's all right, Wally.

and he looks like you're Daryl from certain angles.

Anyway, where's he taking you?

Now, let me guess.

A pint up the crayon, a quick curry, and then back to his place to inspect the

cracks in the ceiling.

He's taking me to see the stones, actually.

And he's got backstage passes.

He'll go off, he'll be green, won't he?

Here, Trace, what am I going to wear?

Don't want to clash with Jerry Hall.

More like the Albert Hall.

I'm looking for a flying instructor called James Bond.

Thanks, all right.

Which one?

The one over there in that kilt. Talk to the trainer.

I mean, Bob Keltoff.

You'll see a lot more stars before the night's out, Sharon, believe me.

Oh, hi, Rod.

Is that Rod Stewart?

No, no, it's Rod Cartwright. He's got the ice cream concession. All right.

What's that?

No, don't tell me.

It's what the stones change into when they come off the safe, right?

Do you think we're actually going to meet them? Oh, every chance, doll, every

chance. You saw me give my business card to that security man. Well, once Keith

knows that I'm here, well, put it this way, I hope you like drinking Jack

Daniels.

I can't believe I'm here.

Yeah, they all know me here, Sharon. I mean, when you come out with me, you

Walter Walser lives.

Usually when I go out for a bloke, I make Walter Walser drunks.

It's funny, you know, but my girlfriend's out there somewhere.

Sitting with the plebs, of course.

Well, they don't just let anyone backstage, Sharon. You've got to be in

Here, do you fancy something to eat?

Nah, those hot dogs look a bit dodgy.

Like they're rabies.

No, the catering's all laid on, dog. It's top stuff.

Yeah, I remember once at this Bowie gig, they flew in all this exotic seafood

from around the world, served up by these really sexy waitresses. It was

I had the crabs.

Hey, look at that spread, Sharon.

Yeah, she should know better at her age.

No, no, no, no, the buffet.

They've got a lot in there.

Champagne, lobsters, hot noodles.

You know, this is what we should get into.

With your expertise in the catering business and my rock and roll context,

could clean up.

Probably have to.

Well, come on then, let's get stuck in. I'm starving.

Right.

problems. Yes, these passes, they don't seem to permit us to go in there.

Pippin' cheek.

Can you go back and tell him that you know Keith Richard personally?

No, no, no, it's not worth the ad. Well, they'll be on stage soon anyway.

Oh, right.

Let's take our seats then, eh?

Oh, yeah, right. Where are we? Front row? Well, we'll be even nearer than

Because usually at these bashes you're about three miles away, ain't you?

Might as well be the Mike Sam singers up there.

Come on then, let's go. You know what, wait, the thing is, Sharon, well, this

it. This is where it's at.

What do you mean?

Well, when I said I had backstage passes, that's exactly what I meant.

Good evening, Mr

Bond.

Look, if you want to book some flying lessons, you have to pass... The parcel?

No.

Pass your name on to the flying club. It's the rules, I'm afraid.

Well, actually, I don't want flying lessons.

Oh, what then?

My name's Tracy Stubbs. I saw the dating video you did for Love Match.

But how did you know where I worked?

The agency shouldn't release that information. I call that pretty bad

They didn't. I did a spot detective work on my own.

Oh, I see.

Please.

Well, you don't...

hang about, do you, Tracy?

Oh, it's not for me. It's for my sister, Sharon. She's the one that joined the

agency. You see, I think she fancies you a bit, but she's a bit shy about

meeting you.

I know how she feels.

Get a bit tongue -tied myself.

Yeah, well, she doesn't have that problem.

Anyway, I brought this video along of her. I wondered if you'd take her

at it.

Of course.

But if she's anything like you, Tracy, I'll take... Take... Her out to dinner?

No.

Take her as Red.

Well, have a look at the tape and see what you think of her. If you like the

look of her, give her a ring. The number's on the label.

I'll look at it when I get home.

But I'd just as soon ring this number and ask you out, Tracy.

You know what they say about a bird in the hand?

You know what they say about a smack in the mouth?

Sorry, no offence, mate.

I'm not very good at handling women.

Well, that's your first mistake.

You don't handle them until they say you can.

Permission granted, that sort of thing? Yeah.

Look, take it easy.

You're a nice bloke. The right girl will come along eventually.

Who knows? Could even be my sister.

I hope so.

All the other chaps here are going... going... Gone?

No, going steady or married.

Can't wait to see this.

I've got a feeling Sharon's going to knock, knock, knock me out.

Yeah, well, when she finds out I've been here, that'll make two of us.

I hoped you might be in.

What do you want?

Company.

I'm bored.

Marcus has brought a mountain of work home.

Totally incommunicado.

There's nothing on the television, and my facial sauna's on the blink.

I'll bet you'll fly him in the wall's door.

Shall I go on, then?

Yeah. Oh, and gunk features are mingling with the stars at Wembley. Well, at

least she's got herself a man for the evening.

Although, I must say, I don't approve of the way she picked him up. She didn't

pick him up. She picked him out.

Anyway, if you're so fed up, why don't you join the dating agency?

Then you won't have to come round here to be bored.

Tracy, only women who have difficulty attracting men go to those sort of

It smacks of inadequacy.

What? It's true.

The day I go to a dating agency is the day I swap my suspender belt for support

hose. Sharon's got no natural sex appeal.

Sharon's got sex appeal? Well, obviously not enough if she has to use the

services of Love Match.

Look who's talking.

Here we are on a Saturday night while Sharon's out raving it up with some

and you're sitting here all hormoned up with nowhere to go.

All right.

All right, don't rub it in.

The big mystery is what she sees in him.

Well, his cavalier attitude.

His casual approach to life. That's what turns Sharon on.

She never takes anything seriously.

Her relationships with men, when she can get one, are always, well, shallow.

Ark of the woman who walks round with a mattress strapped to her back in case

she meets anyone she's fancy.

All I'm saying is that she takes things at face value, as long as there's more

Bruce Willis than Bruce Forsythe is in.

Look, I want her to be happy, but not with him.

She's already made one mistake with Chris.

I know she can do better for herself.

I mean, what happens if she has to get serious with him? She's still married.

Tracy, they've only been on one date, for God's sake.

They're hardly going to name the day.

I suppose not.

That Mike's such a wally.

Anyway, if I know Sharon, she's probably already had him up to here. You think

so?

Lucky old Sharon.

Trice!

Mask on the bed.

Oh.

Boy, this is some drum, Sharon.

Reminds me of Elvis's gaff.

This would be a great address for our business, you know.

Well, let's not run before we can walk, eh?

Yeah, right.

Well, that was some gig, wasn't it?

Well, it sounded pretty good, yeah.

I ain't complaining.

I mean, how many people get a sweaty towel bunged at them by Mick Jagger, eh?

Yeah, you want to hang on to that, doll. Be worth a fortune one day. Rock and

roll memorabilia's where it's at.

Michael Jackson's old face comes up at Sotheby's next week.

Oh, sorry, Aunt Shell.

I'd be daft.

Mike, this is me nephew, Garth.

Hi, Garth. I don't believe it. It's the Wimpy Bar kick.

Hang a bear, hang a bear. What's going on?

This is the geezer who sold me my Stones tickets.

What, you didn't like the seats?

We never got in. Because your tickets were about as genuine as Elton John's

hair. What do you mean?

The tickets were forgeries.

My mates are livid and I'm out of pocket to 140 quid.

Well, that's ironic, isn't it?

Mike sells your dad tickets over the top prices, and then you flog them onto

your mates.

How much do you charge them, Garth? 50 quid each?

Here, look, look, look. All right.

Here.

Here's your money back, right?

And here.

Four tickets for Guns N' Roses.

They're for Amsterdam.

I'll give you a good price on the coach going over.

Stuff it.

Look, I'm sorry, Sharon. If I'd known he was your nephew, I'd... Forget it,

forget it.

It's been a great day, Mike. I've really enjoyed myself.

Oh, good.

What's the matter?

Oh, I know, you don't like the growth.

I hate the growth.

What a stubble.

Well, what then?

I thought that would be the perfect end to a perfect day.

Yeah, well, another day perhaps, Mike, eh?

I've got another nine blokes to meet on Love Match, eh?

Eh?

I've got to get me money's worth, haven't I, mate?

There you go, then.

Do you think you'll see him again?

I doubt it.

He's too frightened to go off.

Actually, Cheryl, there's something I want to tell you.

Yeah, what?

Now, don't go mad, but I've been to see that flying instructor.

Tracy Stubbs, you little flirt!

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

Put the house and the car in my name and your Daryl will be none the wiser.

Not for me, for you.

I gave him your practice tape.

You what?

I just thought he was too dishy to pass that. He was all right as it happened,

just a bit nervous and inexperienced.

I don't believe this.

He's not as stuck up as you think, Sharon. Just lonely.

Really? That'd be him, Jimmy.

What? I told him this was the best time to catch her before you go off for

another day running your busy international catering empire.

Well, I didn't answer it.

Go on.

No! Oh!

Hello? Hello, Jimmy.

Yes, she is.

It's for you, money penny.

Hello?

Hello. Is that Sharon?

Yeah.

Jimmy Bond here.

Look, I've seen your tape, and I hope you won't mind when I say that you make

feel... feel... Sick?

I feel extremely attracted to you.

And I was wondering if I could possibly take you out to dinner tonight.

Dinner?

Yeah.

Great.

Look, why don't I pick you up at... 7 .30?

7 .30, right.

Oh, do you like French... French... Dressing?

No, French food.

I thought we could pop over to Le Touquet.

Le Touquet?

Is that the restaurant? opposite the bus station?

No, it's the French resort opposite Eastbourne.

Oh, great.

All right, then, bye.

Well, what did he say?

He's taken me to dinner.

Have you seen my passport?

Why? Go and surf for the river.

Be here any minute.

Probably pull up in an Aston Martin.

Oh, it's him!

The name's...

Theodopolopolis. Sharon Theodopolopolis.

Licence to thrill.

It's pussy galore.

Well, I'm glad I caught you, Sharon.

I thought you might like to wear this.

They like to wear sunglasses.

If you are going flying, Sharon, you've got to look the part.

Something aeronautic is essential.

She'll be aeronautical, right. She'll look like a giant windsock.

Keep me warm in the cockpit.

There are better ways to keep warm in a cockpit, believe me.

Oh, yeah?

Such as?

Oh, yeah, there'll be none of that. You'll need both his hands free for his

joystick.

I'll get it.

I'm warning you, Dore. If he makes one crack about me looking like Tango Man,

I'll throttle you.

Jimmy, I want you to meet my sister, Sharon.

This is a great...

Great pleasure for me.

Is it?

From the moment I saw you on this tape, I felt this strong sensation growing

inside me.

I felt it absolutely, absolutely... Tell me about it later.

Come on.

Your plane awaits you.

Now what do we do?

We could always watch a video.

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