Original subtitles

What do I do when I'm alone

with only dreams?

Too rag, I bought these off. I might need one when I rearrange the contents

his face.

I tell you, if these are a size 14, I am Jerry Hall.

If you're a size 14, then I'm Jerry Hall.

What are you doing on the floor?

Haven't you ever had to lie down on the floor to do up your flies?

I never had any difficulty getting into a pair of jeans.

Not even your own?

Actually, I've come about tonight.

What are you going to wear, Dore? Do you want to go to JJ's straight away or

open a wine box back here first?

I'll tell you something, Dore. I have every intention of getting seriously rat

-arsed tonight.

I can't come.

Eh?

We've been planning to check out this wine bar for weeks.

Ever since Sue said it was wall -to -wall Chippendales.

Was it Chipmunks?

Mind you, the state of my sex life, anything would do.

Yes, well, something's come up.

Well, some of it will come up tonight if we play our cards right.

Oh, go on, tell me then.

Luke's back.

Oh, Sharon, I am so happy.

Luke's chucked that brainless bimbette Kelly and he wants us to try again and

I've said yes.

Who wouldn't?

Your Luke's got a better packed lunch than any of them Chippendales.

body I want back.

Well, all right, then.

You have his stamp collection, I'll have his body.

It's his honesty, his sense of humour, his simple, caring love.

Oh, all right, and the way he looks in a pair of ripped 501s.

Well, you can tell him I'm just about to burst out of these if he wants them.

She's been to visit Daryl.

We've got this special code when he wants to talk intimate, you know, and

screws are listening.

This afternoon he said his vegetable patch was coming along nicely.

That's disgusting.

So, what are you two been up for?

I picked up your dry cleaning.

I've done beef burgers for tea. And Dorian's back with Luke.

You're kidding.

I like beef burgers.

He phoned yesterday afternoon.

We met yesterday evening.

And we finally got round to talking at 4 .30 this morning.

What about Marcus?

Sorry? You know, the bloke that pays your mortgage.

Must have seen him. Good suit. Drives a Jag.

Marcus is in Turin on business. So I'm moving in with Luke on a sort of trial

basis.

Oh, God, I feel marvellous.

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

Well, I can't hang around here gripping though your sad and empty lives are.

I've got a 24 -year -old hunk to worship.

Here's where you can reach me.

Emergencies only.

Enjoy your beef burger.

Oh, can you walk then, shall?

Yes, Trace. Yeah, you look nice.

I've got a blue silk shirt, just like that one.

Small world, isn't it?

Yeah. How come she's getting all dressed up to go and visit Chris? He normally

pulls something out of the bottom of the laundry basket.

That was when he was just my husband.

He's my business partner now.

You're going soft, girl. Remember how he treated you? The lies, the other women,

the way he used to pick his toenails with a bread knife?

Oh, Walter under the bridge, Trace.

I'm in Chigwell. He's inside.

Well, what about that dream you're always having, where he's got his bum

on a carsey full of piranha fish?

You weren't due the last time I had it. Those only guppies.

Once a scumbag, always a scumbag. But it's your life, Shell.

And it's my scumbag, Trace.

So what are you doing this afternoon?

Well, I was going to visit Doreen, so I remember she'd moved.

It's funny, isn't it?

Three years of her bursting in uninvited and taking the mickey out of us because

we're common.

Telling her that she passed the time when she was stuck in a lift with lute

tan, second eleven.

I miss her now she's at Luke's.

And you reckon I'm going soft?

Well, don't you?

Miss her, I mean.

Of course not, you lemon.

I want some love, that's true.

And the council were digging up the I Street last week. Oh, yeah? Again.

So we had all the nabbies in, stoking up on greaseburgers.

I reckon we cleared at least an extra 80 quid. You really got this careful

exercise, don't you, Cheryl?

The Anita Roddick of the fried slice, me.

And you're looking smashing today.

Usually, you look like you've pulled something from the bottom of the laundry

basket.

Yeah, well, I've mellowed.

Mellowed? That's the word.

Plus, you know what I realised on the way down here, Chris?

I don't fancy you no more.

Oh, what?

Is it the gear?

I'm afraid Giorgio Armani didn't have much creative input on this little lot.

No, it ain't the gear.

Hey, I bet you don't remember what I was wearing the night we met.

White trousers, black shirt and under appendix scarf. Yeah, all right, keep

voice down. And a dirty great medallion that you probably found inside a box of

cornflakes. Yeah, did the trick though, didn't it, eh?

Yeah, because by the end of the night, you was down to a pair of underpants

they could have featured on Wildlife Online.

Happy days.

It's true, though, Chris.

Before you got banged up, you led me a dog's life because of all the dogs you

were seeing.

There was that Letha, Maureen, the bird down the spud you like. Oh, Tricia.

She always used to smell of sour cream and chives.

You gave me a terrible tongue -lashing about it. Didn't half turn me on.

I gave you Elle because I fancied you.

But I don't fancy you no more.

Fair enough.

I must say, you take this terribly well, Chris.

A couple of years ago, you would have seen it as a slur on your macho Greek

manhood. Yeah, well, perhaps we've both changed.

I used to be a faultless git.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Maybe I still am.

You used to be a slob and a tracksuit with more rabbit than water shit down.

I mean, now look at you.

Butts? No, no, no.

Look at you.

I mean, you've got style.

You know, you've got... What's that word I read in Cosmo?

Thaddy? Yeah.

You got savvy.

Of course, you could still make that an Olympic event.

Look, Chris, when I fancied you, I hated you.

Now that I fancy you, I really quite like you.

Yeah, well, we've got a history together. You know, we've got business

mates. Which is why it's going to be a lot easier telling you about Tina.

This must be it. There's her motor.

Six months of letters and she wants to get hitched. I mean, have you seen

Chris's handwriting?

Well, if she's that sweet and innocent, surely she'd be bothered about him being

inside. Oh, no, no.

She reckons she can help him go straight.

He's about as straight as a rattlesnake.

I tell you, Uncle Spyro's got a lot to answer for fixing all this up.

Tina's let the sheltered life in sight. She must think that Chris is really

exciting and mature.

The only mature thing about Chris is his socks.

Not exactly sad folk, is it?

I doubt if Dorian's been vertical long enough to notice.

I'm warning you, Trace.

If she's all lovey -dovey about Luke and how happy she is and everything, I

might just shove those flowers right up her loveness.

Help yourself to cake.

Sorry they're so frightful, but what can you expect in Walthamstow?

Honestly, that kitchen is full of tinned meat pies and not a bath to be found.

Well, what do you think?

Must be very handy for the tube.

Tis a bit of a bachelor pad, isn't it?

Anyway, it doesn't matter what we think. Are you happy?

Blissful.

He called in sick three days running because I wouldn't let him out of bed.

We were like a honeymoon couple from the moment I arrived.

Take no notice of her. She's got the hump.

I have not got the hump.

I mean, why should I care that my husband's dumped me for a young bit of

blacarver called Tina?

Chris has dumped you?

I never.

Don't start her off again. I've had 24 hours of this. You know what really

me sick?

I'm the one that should be meeting someone new.

I'm the one going to clubs and discos while he's banged up at Her Majesty's,

sharing his sleeping quarters with a flatulent dope dealer in a chamber pot.

Does this Tina know that Chris is a villain?

Of course she does.

But she reckons she can mend his ways with the influence of a good woman.

As if I'm Lucretia Bulger or something.

Well, I think you should use this rejection constructively. Yes, you've

cafe, you've got money for the first time in your life. You don't need a

like Chris holding your back.

But it still hurts, Trace.

I mean, I know we weren't exactly Bogart and Bacall.

Laura Linardi more like.

But nobody likes a size 8 boot up their bum, do they?

Is that my big bunny?

Yes, so do I. Why don't you tell them your tummy bug's back?

Only Sharon and Tracy, but they're about to leave.

20 minutes.

Make it 19, but don't go through any red lights.

Love you.

Now you say it.

Go on. Now, I don't care how many customers are in the shop.

Go on, bunny -wunny. Say it to your darling.

That was Luke.

I guess it wasn't Marcus.

Me and your Marcus got a lot in common, Dore.

Both been dumped for a bit of fluff too young to remember Alvin Stardust. Oh,

dump is such an ugly word, Sharon.

Marcus and I will come to an amicable agreement when he gets back from Turin.

Are you going to leave him? It seems as if I already have.

Don't waste your sympathy on him, Tracy.

He cares more for Norman Lamont than he does for me.

You're wrong, Dore.

I bet he's going to be really hurt, just like I've been.

Well, I feel for you, Sharon, I really do, but could we discuss this some other

time? Luke will be here in, oh, 17 minutes.

I might just have time to touch up my blusher.

And it was terrific seeing you too, Dor.

Different address, same old Dorian.

I hope you ain't scoffing at chicken.

Save it for a curry.

Go on, then. I'll have a sandwich with you.

What's the matter, Cheryl? You look like you've seen a ghost.

I got the business suit with the padded shoulders to see the bank manager,

right?

I got the books kosher.

I got the drains sorted.

Yeah, I know that.

But I forgot one thing.

You don't suit padded shoulders.

Why could I have been such a plank?

What have you done?

It's not the deliberate mistake.

It's the contract splitting the calf 50 -50. So?

I had the contract drawn up, but I never got round to having Chris sign it.

The calf's all his, Trace.

I'd have a fight on me and just rolled on to a tin opener.

Can't you get him to sign it now?

Oh, yeah.

He's bound to sign away his trump cards with Tina.

A nice little earner that'll keep him in Dosh and out of Chokey.

You're right, Shell.

You are a plank.

I'm not just losing my husband. I'm losing me livelihood and all.

Just as I was making a go of it.

Well, you can't give up that easy. You've got to fight for it. I haven't

in me, Trace.

No, the calf was just God's little joke.

Here you are, Sharon.

Get good at Samick.

Then I'll tell you what.

I'll take it away from you. Don't blame God.

It's Chris you've got to sort out.

Yeah, but how?

Well, you know his family blamed you for not having kids?

Yeah, they reckoned it was my wiring that was faulty.

Well, it weren't you, was it?

Well, we know that.

Chris was the one firing blanks.

I bet this Tina's dying to have kiddies. You know how them Greeks like big

families? What if she was to find out that the bloke she's marrying ain't got

enough lead in his pencil?

Tell her, you mean.

No, shall.

Have Simon Bates announce it on our turn.

Of course, tell her.

I couldn't. Why not?

Think of all the rotten things he's done to you. The lies, the affairs.

The toenails and the bread knife.

So what do you owe him?

I can't, Trace.

I'd be betraying both of us if I told Tina.

Well, I think you're mad.

Yeah, maybe I am.

But I ain't going to be the one that screws up his future.

He can do that all by himself.

inside a laundrette.

Someone was sleeping there, for heaven's sake. Yeah, I know what a laundrette

is. And the machine takes all your small change, and then what happens?

Your clothes get covered in thousands of pieces of someone else's used Kleenex.

I fully intend to write to my MP about it. Well, can't you get Luke to buy a

washing machine?

He's saving for a Nautilus.

Well, you buy one, then. I couldn't.

Luke has his pride, you know.

Oh, I'm sorry, Tracy. You've just caught me at an awkward time.

Sharon's got that Tina coming round. I don't want to be an accessory to murder.

Here, I haven't interrupted you and Luke in the middle of one of these tummy

bugs, have I?

You've interrupted me in the middle of the cleaning.

Three pairs of marigolds ripped to shreds and I haven't even started on the

bathroom yet.

Does one really have to touch the toilet bowl?

I've never seen you clean before.

Oh, nicely put, Tracy. Well, of course you haven't. I paid someone else to do

it.

Wonderful, missus.

Well, get her to do it, then. Oh, don't be ridiculous. She lives way out in...

Anyway, I won't be defeated by a scrubbing brush.

Although I have waved the white flag at that particular pile of rust.

I thought vacuum cleaners were supposed to suck dust up.

Well, why don't you both move somewhere nicer?

You can afford it.

Oh, I forgot that Luke's got his pride.

He's a very independent young man.

Only chance of a cuppa? Oh, would you, Tracy, but you'll have to wash up the

mugs first.

Plus this one that I found under the sofa.

I suspect Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin in it.

You see, it's the sex as well.

Hang on.

I mean, when you have to meet in motels, or do it on flat packs in his

stockroom, well, it adds a certain frisson.

I mean, when Marcus thinks you're having your legs whacked. but you're really

indulging in a spot of illicit passion.

Well, it gives you something to look forward to, something to live for.

When you've got it on tap, when the sheets are brushed nylon, when he plays

Guns and Roses at three in the morning, when you could grow mustard and crepe on

his face flannel.

It's not what you expected, is it?

Sorry, darling, I was filling the kettle. You were saying?

I was just saying we're out. of tea bags, but there's some instant coffee in

cupboard with the pinup of Julia Roberts on it.

All right, all right. Here we go.

Sharon Theodore Bolobodos, please.

And you are?

Tina Constantino.

She'll know why I'm here.

Yes, ma 'am. This way, ma 'am.

Well? Very nice.

Look, I'm in rather a hurry. Could you just tell Mrs. Theodore Belobedos I'm

here? She knows.

Of course.

Chris said in his letters that you'd gone to seed.

And he told me you were as innocent as an angel's armpit.

But then he always did talk crap.

You're taking this badly.

That's a shame.

What do you expect?

You're getting your mitts on a major chunk of my life.

Chris! Oh, excuse me while I wet myself.

The calf.

That is why I have come here. For the kiss.

I can't wait to see it.

It's only a calf.

It's only a calf.

The sooner I take it off your hands, the better.

You what?

Chris will be in jail for at least another five years, won't he?

That gives me plenty of time to make my mark on it before he gets out.

Alexis Colby, your role model by any chance? Yes, but I am more ambitious.

Why should I wait a first -class business degree on my father's pathetic

bar in Limassol when I could be building up a nice little business in London?

I just hope you weren't intending to leave it to descendants.

I'm sorry?

Nothing. Keys, please.

I said...

I hope you weren't planning to start a family.

Chris can't oblige.

He's impotent?

Well, let's put it this way.

If he was a bunch of grapes, he'd be seedless.

But you've got to give him ease for effort, Blessing.

So I'm afraid your mum and dad won't be deafened by the patter of tiny

Theodopalopidas. Great.

What do you mean, great?

I thought you'd be gutted.

I am the oldest of seven. I think all children should be strangled at birth.

Now, can I have the keys, please?

Come on, shall.

This ain't like you.

Good.

For as long as I can remember I've been like me.

Well, I feel like not being like me for a change, all right. But you've got to

think positive.

According to this article I was reading in the hairdressers, if your world

starts falling apart, you've got to look for a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's just an oncoming train trace.

I love that, Cass.

I know you do, but you've got to think positive.

Think of all the things that you learnt there that you could use in some other

job. Reasons to be cheerful.

One, two, three.

Go on. You shout them out and I'll write them down.

Right.

I've learnt that a prick's dosage never splits.

Well, there you go.

That's better than a few doors for me in the upper echelons of high finance.

You ain't trying, are you? No, but I know a girl who is.

I expect you're just jealous because of her beauty and brains and intelligence

and that.

supposed to be cheering me up. I give up. Go on, just wallow in it.

Yeah, that's right.

Why shouldn't I?

Because, shall we, ain't the end of the world. You've still got me and a roof

over your head.

Yeah, but it's your roof, isn't it?

Without the calf, I'll never be able to afford a roof of my own.

Or a house to go under it, even.

I suppose I could always marry Marcus, become the second Mrs. Green after he

divorces Dorian.

You could do worse.

I did do worse.

And he's dumping me.

Two visits in ten days, Sharon.

Shall I write to the Guinness Book of Records?

Better make the most of it. I don't see myself coming again.

Come again?

Come again.

Sorry, Sharon, just my little joke.

And what were you saying?

I was saying that you and Tina have got my blessing.

She's all yours.

You mean you're going to divorce me?

Unless you want to get banged up for bigamy.

Look, Chris.

If you want to get hitched to a jumped -up, pushy little cow that's got pan

signs where her eyeballs should be, you're welcome to her.

You met her, then?

I had that pleasure.

But then you always did say you wanted to get your end away with Margaret

Thatcher. I can't believe you're washing your hands of me without a fight,

Sharon. Chris, we did all our fighting when we was married.

Now it's Tina's turn to smack you on when you're out of order.

Tina. Yeah.

So... When's the big day, then? What do you want for a wedding present?

Isn't hers chamber pots?

But, Cheryl, me and Tina, it's all off.

It's faith, I mean.

I don't understand.

Look, I've got to thinking.

I can't just dump you like that. It ain't right.

I mean, I know we've had our ups and downs, you know, our highs and lows, but

did have some good times, didn't we?

Didn't we, Cheryl?

When there was a K in the month.

Look, I know you and me might not make a go of it when I get out, but we've got

a much better chance than me and Tina.

What do you say, Shell?

Are you sure it's over between you and her?

Believe me, it's over.

Well, will you sign this contract, then?

We've been in to chat to you for weeks.

Oh, 50 -50, straight down the middle.

That's what mates are all about.

Any

time

before your parole comes up, Chris.

Now... Cheers.

How's Tina taking the bad news?

Threatening to top herself, I expect.

She'll get over it. Greedy, ungrateful little cow.

Tell me about it. I mean, what did she expect, a bleeding Savoy?

Hang on, hang on.

This tragic break -up, it wouldn't have anything to do with a calf, would it?

What do you mean?

Only she had the right aunt when she brought back the keys.

Said she thought the place was a dosser.

She dumped you.

Because you lied to her about the calf.

What did you tell her, Chris, eh?

That it was North London's premier restaurant?

That it had Irish table linen, soft bog roll and a queue round the block? Look,

I may have elaborated a little because I thought I was dealing with an innocent

young girl.

I mean, how was I supposed to know I was corresponding with the Iron Lady of

Limithole?

And that's why she dumped you?

Yeah, of course.

Once she met yours truly, she decided she'd rather stay in Cyprus than marry a

dishonest, disgusting, ignorant loser like me.

I ain't, am I, Shell?

Of course you are, you prat.

I have got my cat back.

I have got my cat back.

I have got my cat back.

I have got my cat back.

I can't find my blue silk shirt anywhere.

You don't think the bottom of the laundry basket?

You're so happy.

Your Chris has just put you through a week of hell. Because, Trace, I have got

my cash back.

He's still a scumbag.

Chris is still a scumbag. Chris is still a scumbag.

So, are you ready to celebrate my return to the world of profit and loss, debit

and credit, sausage and mash?

I don't like the sound of this wine bar.

Sue recommended it.

Exactly.

Oh, I won't try. It'll be my treat.

All right, but I ain't getting up to nothing.

Dorian!

I don't suppose you have a pint of skimmed milk to spare?

What are you doing here?

Trying to make a medicinal cup of tea.

The glass of wine will more than suffice.

I'm back.

All right?

I'm going to tell you why once, and then I'm never going to talk about it again,

and neither are you.

Promise?

Promise. Okay.

One.

Designer fingernails and housework are not a marriage made in heaven.

Two. The flat was too sleazy.

Three. The sex was not sleazy enough.

And four.

Marcus has been stuck in Turin because of an air traffic controller strike, so

he doesn't even know I was gone.

And now I'm back.

So go on, make fun of me.

Say I told you so.

Call me a sad, spoiled, pathetic old tart.

You're a sad, spoiled... We're going to JJ's.

Wall -to -wall Chippendales, remember?

She's probably not in the mood.

Adol.

Just give me two minutes to touch up my blusher.

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams?