Original subtitles

What will I do when you are gone?

Juice of half a lemon.

Juice of half a lemon?

Go off.

This is my cheesesteak, ain't it? What are you doing here?

Making tea.

Honestly, Mum, you can slice custard with this knife.

You didn't go, did you?

I went.

Look, I have been a nervous wreck all day about your job interview, so you

didn't go. I went.

I pulled the receptionist if you need a witness.

Here. Ask for Sally.

You know how come you're back so early?

Couldn't wait to tell your mum you're a bloody merchant banker.

I'm back early because it only takes ten seconds to say, stuff your job.

Oh, God, why?

Your dad would be over the moon if he was working in the city.

Yeah, bit of an expert on bank jobs, isn't he?

Mum, you know why.

I don't want to work in the city because I want to be a chef, like I've been

telling you for weeks. Like you wanted to be a train driver and a freedom

fighter and a Milky Bar kid. I mean it this time.

Only this time I want to do this catering course in Nottingham.

But for some reason I keep finding the prospectus in the bin.

Oh, chuck it away, will you, love? It smells of old fee bags.

Oh, flipping train.

I'd have stood all the way home if I hadn't stuffed these tea towels up me

jumper.

What is it?

Chris done a runner and he's hiding in the tool shed.

Garth didn't get the job. Garth didn't want the job.

I told them I'd rather scrub out the elephant house with a toothbrush.

They learn such lovely manners at public school, eh, Trace? And they learn to be

lawyers and bankers and captains of industry.

I bet all your mates are getting a decent job.

Let's see.

Jake's selling timeshares, Charlie's organising raves, and Adam's scrambling

his stepmother.

Where's the cheese grater?

Upstairs. I was using it on my feet.

You know about food. He's out to eat it.

Stuff his neck is perhaps a more accurate description, Trace. I never get

cook round here because you won't let me.

But I'm famous for my couscous in the common room.

Give us a couscous.

Making a snack for one of your mates is a bit different to cooking coq au vin

for 50.

Yeah, that's true. You could clean up on the coq au vin.

Say, 12 pounds times 50.

That's 600 quid.

Well, you can't fault his math, Trace.

Well, why don't I ask Audrey, son, if there's any openings in insurance?

Insurance?

Blokes who wear anoraks over their suits sell insurance.

Well, I ain't having my son cooking for a living. It ain't natural.

And you can stop chopping them veg. I've got chicken tikka and flattened

strawberry cheesecake to celebrate your job interview.

Fine. But first thing in the morning, I'm getting a job off Ronald McDonald.

You can't stop me.

I wouldn't have to.

It wouldn't last ten minutes.

I bet you I would. I bet you you wouldn't. I would, Mum. You would not,

would. You wouldn't. I would. You would not. Mum. Listen to yourself, Trace.

Well, he wouldn't. I would.

He wouldn't. Knock.

Give the lad a chance, eh?

You didn't reckon I could make a go of the calf and I've done okay, had I?

Well, you have him then.

You what? You have him.

I bet he wouldn't last a week working in your calf.

Make it a month.

All right.

And if I do, I can go to catering college.

OK, you're on.

Excuse me, do I get any say in this?

I'll start tomorrow then, aren't you, Sharon?

Look, Garth, it's a greasy spoon.

We don't garnish our egg and chips with kiwi fruit.

Neither do I.

My style is far less pretentious.

You make sure his first job is cleaning out them labs.

Right.

So, eh?

Seven's a 56, plus 150, minus, let's say, 25

% discount.

Oh, I've done that already.

What was that number I asked you to remember?

84.

No, 48.

No, no, it was 24.

Yeah, whatever.

I don't think I'm going to see much change out of a grand if I want to get

bogs past the elf inspectors and replace the extractor fan.

Look, I've got to mend it.

No. Mind you, he did scrape off enough dead flies to start a Gary Baldy

And he cleaned out the tea urn without being asked.

I'm letting him do the lunches tomorrow.

You're encouraging him, aren't you?

Tracey, I don't have to encourage him.

He makes Keith Floyd look half -hearted.

Mind you, on second thoughts, why let him become a chef when he could be a ram

raider? Or flog ecstasy or mug old lady.

But what's my Daryl going to say when I tell him his son wants to be the next

Fanny Craddock?

Daryl will approve, I'm telling you.

What's charging 20 quid for three mange toots and a quail's egg if it ain't

daylight robbery?

Daryl, I want to work with you. Oh, quick, Trace. Tell her I've been taken

hostage by Shiite militia.

I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.

Yes, you have, doll.

What about that time you touched your Bruce Oldfield into your knickers at

Escort?

Don't you ever think before you speak?

No.

Well, what did she do?

She only ruined a very special evening, publicly humiliated me and threatened

the stability of my marriage.

Well, your marriage is stable. I'm the Princess of Wales.

It was just a bit of fun.

Oh, what do you do for an encore?

Tell people about my nose job? Not that I've had one.

Will someone please tell me what she did?

Well, go on, Sharon.

You stuck the knife in. Why not twist it a little?

Dore was in the wine bar last night.

Sitting in one of them booths where she goes where she wants to check the

washing instructions on some new fella's wife front.

Sometimes I take them to Luigi's.

I do not have to justify my behaviour to you.

Anyway, I was in there and all, celebrating.

Celebrating, oh, I don't know, to a better new year or something.

So, when I saw Dor, super glued to this bloke, I just went over and exchanged

pleasantries. Your actual words were, flippeth a grand and I won't tell

Marcus where your tongue's been.

Oh, because she was snoggy.

Our relationship is founded on trust.

Now, how can I have affairs with other men if you undermine it?

Here we go again.

Who is it this time?

I was speaking hypothetically.

It's the lecturer at my psychology summer school.

I never could resist a man with leather patches on his elbows.

Well, lend us a grand door and I won't tell Marcus about him.

I wouldn't lend you a luncheon voucher. You've got an evil, vicious tongue.

And bogs you'd rather cross your legs than use.

Oh, go on, door.

Give us the dosh to show that you forgive me. Think of it as an

Tracy, would you tell your sister that her timing and her toilets stink?

Dorian says to tell you that your timing... Yes, I've got that. Thank you,

Tracy.

So the answer's no, is it?

750 quid, and that's my final offer.

Any chance of that grub, love? Only we've got to have them offices built by

1997.

Yeah, it might be a tick.

1997, they've got to be built by A. Joey.

Unless I've done that one already, then.

Yeah. Shaz, if some cuffs do fast food, well, you must do geriatric.

laugh a minute, ain't you, Joey?

Jim Davidson plus bum cleavage.

They do fast food. She does slow food, eh, Joey?

Yeah, then.

Get a move on with them specials, will you, girls?

The nabbies are getting restless.

Ready. Hey, boys, how about four free afters? That'd be sweet, eh?

What, before the fours? Or after.

What's this one, Mr. Arnold?

It's sautéed liver, Normandy style, spiced red cabbage and pomme

I told them that the special was liver and chips.

It is. So what?

Bon appétit.

Pomme dauphinoise.

Do you like dieting with death or something?

Here, try this. Go on, be my guinea pig.

What's it in your guinea pig die of food poisoning?

Cumberland sauce.

Thought we might put it on the menu.

I'd rather put it on the compost.

Look, the only sauce they want, Randy, comes in a tomato -shaped bottle.

Well, I don't see why.

Because they don't want posh nosh.

In gas like this, grease is the word. It's the word. It's the word.

I want to make food that people will keep talking about, not food that will

repeating on them.

Yes. So you keep saying... And I want to go to college in Nottingham.

Only Mum won't discuss it. I mean, how can I learn my craft in that sweaty

armpit you call a kitchen?

You're not here to learn a craft.

You're here to win a bet.

I know.

And you can tell Mum from me it's a piece of cake.

Oi, Sharon, can I have a word, please?

What? Your pimple's protesting because it ain't greasy enough?

No, actually, I was wondering if there was anything for them ponny dothwots.

Not what?

You know, one wants more of them potatoes.

Them fish cakes sold like hotcakes today, eh?

Of course they did.

I'll make a mean fish cake.

Trace, he's making spinach fritters tomorrow.

Why don't you pop in for lunch?

No, ta.

What is your problem?

Spinach gives me wind, all right.

Her problem is that in precisely 13 days' time, I've won my bet.

Nobody likes a sore loser, Mum.

Nobody likes a sore ear, old Garth.

Nottingham, here I come.

He's good, Trace. He really is.

People have actually started leaving tips.

Paired coins.

In a greasy spoon.

He wants to go to college. What's wrong with that? It's not what I want.

That's what's wrong.

Look, you should be on his side, not on his case.

I always wanted to be a vet because I was good with animals.

But because I never got any encouragement, instead of treating

up marrying one.

But things were different when we were kids, Shell.

I learnt to type, you learnt to French snog behind the bike shed.

That's how it was.

Well, I want more for my Garth.

So let him go to college. I can't.

I've just decorated his room.

What if Richard Branson had never gone off and started verging because his mum

had just made him a new set of bedroom curtains?

Catering college ain't for the likes of us. Public school ain't for the likes of

us, Trace.

But you had Garfield signed up for one before he was out of Pampers.

Look, he's going to win his bet.

Then what will you do?

If you move the gold post, Trace, he'll never forgive you.

Yeah, I know, Shell, but why does it have to be Nottingham?

If I'd known Daryl was going to be banged up for ten years, I'd have never

of going off your way to boarding school.

I've missed cooking for him, caring for him, being his mum.

And I thought once he left school, I could do it all again.

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother.

I don't feel like I'm either anymore.

But that's not a good enough reason for stopping him, is it?

Not wanting to lose a handy little worker down the calf, now that's a good

reason.

But we mustn't be selfish, Trace.

Was it T .S. Eliot or W .H. Smith who said, if you love someone, set them

It was Sting, you lemon.

Yes, well, whatever.

But he's 18, Trace. He wears aftershave. And he's got so many dirty books under

his bed, it don't need legs.

I think it's time to let go.

How old is that doughnut exactly?

Cut it in half and count the greens.

I think I'll stick to this beige liquid, you laughingly classed tea.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Need a quick fix of sweaty workmen.

I may have had a weakness for rough -hewn artisans in the past, but I am

through that phase.

Oh, right.

Your leather -patched lecturer.

Oh, Philip is an added bonus.

I did actually enrol for my psychology summer course to expand my knowledge and

stimulate my brain.

Not exactly the organ you're famous for stimulating.

You may, Scott.

I do, Dore. It's working in a calf, what does it?

But education is a wonderful thing.

If you'd paid more attention at school, you might not be frying chips for a

living.

Oh, I'm learning so much on my course.

Philip is a born teacher.

There's one born every minute.

And the college runs dozens of other fascinating courses.

Humanities, the sciences, cake decorating for beginners.

So where exactly is this college?

Well, that's the only drawback.

Harlow.

Harlow?

You'll find all you need to know in the prospectus of courses and

qualifications. How to make a Victoria sandwich.

Yeah, terrific.

Dora!

Oh, Dora!

Hiya!

What on earth are you doing here?

Signing up for adult literacy classes.

It's time at night now.

Well, don't let me keep you.

You ain't.

Go away.

Door, you old trollop.

Just promise me you will.

Oh, tit -cats are sweet.

Philip, this is my... This is Sharon.

Sharon, this is Philip Crawford, my psychology lecturer.

Love those leather patches, Phil.

Dorian's my star pupil.

I wish they all had her drive and pluck.

Is that rhyming slang for something?

Don't you ever hurry, Sharon.

Now, isn't that just like Dorian trying to change the subject just because I'm

banging on about how brilliant she is?

Especially when you know about her hardships.

Hardships? Dorian.

Her husband's absence at Her Majesty's pleasure. Please, I don't want to talk

about it. No, exactly. You'd never have told me about that appalling council

flat of yours if I hadn't wheedled it out of you.

Edmonton way, is it?

Mushrooms at the wall?

Hot and cold running Rottweilers?

Don't scold yourself, Sharon.

She's a lesson to us all, isn't she, Phil?

dumped on the scrap heap of life like an old boot.

But she grabbed hold of those boot laces and she's pulled herself up by them. I

couldn't agree with you more. Please.

You're embarrassing me.

I haven't started, Dor.

Look, I'm afraid I'm going to have to go.

It's lovely to meet you, Sharon.

Now, Dorian, are you sure about hosting this end -of -course party?

I wouldn't want those crack addicts in the next flat to cause any trouble.

Crack addicts?

They'll be doing a documentary about you next.

No problem, Philip.

Bye. You're sure?

Bye -bye. Bye now.

You've got to help me.

You've been telling non -kosher pork pies, haven't you?

No, no, flat.

Just a few hours. You don't have to tidy anything up.

In fact, the more disgusting, the better.

I have no intention of tidying it up.

Even if I still had it.

The last I heard, a mate of Lisa's had moved in.

But then you'd know that, being neighbours.

All right, all right. It was silly, I know, telling a few lies. It just sort

escalated.

You see, I didn't want to intimidate any of the other students with my wealth.

After all, this is Harlow.

It was when I said Marcus was the second cousin of the Crays I realised I'd gone

too far.

And you're telling me that you meant Elsie and Doris Cray?

Oh, go on then, grasp me down.

Up.

Whatever. Tell Philip I'm actually an accomplished, affluent, law -abiding...

Liar. I wouldn't do that door.

I didn't do it just now, did I? No, you've probably got some even more

humiliation planned.

No door.

Look, I could be the answer to your problems.

If you're looking for a genuine, bitten sawdust, knees -up mother brand venue to

impress your mates, why don't you use my cab?

What's in it for you?

I'll think of something.

My Garthy wants to be a chef.

You're winding me up.

I told Sharon you'd sooner enjoy a special branch.

I think it's terrific.

You what?

My Garthy a chef, eh?

I'd a chip off the old block.

Or should I say pomfret?

But you've never set foot inside a kitchen.

Whenever you made me breakfast in bed, I had to make it.

That's different, Trace. That's woman's work.

But when it comes to posh nosh, I'm what you call au fait.

Ain't that when you had milk to coffee?

No.

Tracey, I've always had a feel for sophisticated restaurants.

Fine wines.

Froggy grub.

Yeah. We did eat in some smashing places before you got banged up.

Sometimes. It's usually a Wednesday when we get haddock on Frogspawn.

I dream about some of them meals.

Yeah. Remember when we stayed in that four -star hotel on our 10th

Yeah, lobster in the shell, venison in the Tuscan style.

Chocolate mousse in the four -poster.

You know, the loss of freedom, the absence of Nookie.

Knowing it could be years before I sit on my own bog again.

I do miss all that.

But what I wouldn't give for a rare steak au poivre and a nice bottle of

burgundy.

Oh, and you're a cool star.

Yes.

My son, the chef, can make it for me, eh, Trace?

Just imagine.

Might have his own restaurant by then.

Here,

Trace. You up for Carrot Potato of the Year Award?

Only if you don't enter.

Where's Garth?

In the kitchen, making French onion soup.

Well, I think I may have the answer to this catering college business.

It's too late.

I've told him he can go tonight in them.

Are you sure?

I ain't thrilled, but I am sure.

Well, he's got his own restaurant and his own television series. I don't want

him flagging me off in the tabloids.

Now, you've got your cab fare, just in case.

Trish, you give him a ten or five minutes to go.

Yeah, all right.

Mum? Yeah, I know. I used to hate it when my mum did it to me.

But I thought, you know, last chance.

I'm only going for the interview. I'll probably get back before you.

But it's a landmark, isn't it?

Like when you took your first step or rode your first bike.

Or your first condom.

And you wonder why I want to go away to college.

Look, Garth, I'm sorry I've been a bit funny about all this, but I'm getting

used to the idea now.

Well, here we are then.

Yeah, I'll go, I think. Back to Reid on the train.

Food for thought. Thanks.

See you then. Bye, girl.

Bye. Bye.

Bye, girl.

Take a leg.

What?

Good luck, innit?

Let's go.

People.

That was

Emily

Johnson, weren't it?

No, that's the suffragette, the one that tied herself to the railings for both

of you. No, that was Amy Pankhurst, wasn't it?

No, hang on.

No, Amy Pankhurst was the one that went over in the plane on her own.

Dig in.

I can't eat this, I'm sorry. Without tomato ketchup.

Of course not.

Listen, Sharon, it was really nice of you to have the party here after that

bomb factory was discovered in Doran's house.

Well, it was the least I could do to bring a ray of sunshine into her empty

life.

Chip's all right, doll.

A triumph.

Oh, we've got jam roll for afters.

Always been partial to a quick roll, ain't you, Dorothy?

Excuse me.

I have to powder my nose.

Oh, dear, I hope you're all right.

Apparently, her husband was turned down for parole last week.

Shame. God, she's so strong, isn't she?

Especially when you consider her solitary, almost nun -like existence

Julie Andrews, eat your heart out.

Look, perhaps she hasn't discussed her personal life with you, but I don't

I think she feels she can open up her soul to me.

Not just her soul, Phil.

So what else has she been telling you?

I think I'll wait till I get home. Those toilets are unspeakable.

I'd have thought they'd have been the height of luxury compared to your

hellhole. You should have them replaced.

Oh, I intend to.

And get new extractor fans.

I've got a grand coming my way.

Oh, that's great. Where from?

A silent partner out Chigwell way.

I'm silent about her anyway.

You know this salt, Phil.

Blows a hundred quid on face cream at Harrods.

She doesn't.

It's criminal, isn't it, when people like you have to live hand to mouth.

What if she doesn't lend you the money?

Don't worry.

She will.

Philip's just been telling me about your nun -like existence door.

And as soon as Phil was gone, she wrote the check out there and then.

Do you think I should have pushed it for 1 ,500?

Juice of half a lemon.

Juice of half a lemon. I hate lemons.

Miss won't have you arrested.

What are you making, anyway?

Them fish cakes you've all been going on about.

I ate fish cakes and all.

Of course, I could just buy some new air fresheners for the loos.

Blow this little lot on a week in Tenerife.

You wouldn't.

No, you're right.

The Bahamas is better at this time of year.

I'll get some brochures tomorrow, eh?

Dorian will kill you.

Brochures for the new loos, Trace.

He must be going, Will. He's taking his time, isn't he?

We can always drive up tonight and visit him whenever we want, can't we, Shell?

Seems that I'm always going to be visiting the men in my life.

Well, at least George Garthie won't have to tie his sheets together to visit

you.

We apologise for the delay due to a security alert at Luton.

I could have walked home quicker.

So, where did it go?

Mum, what are you doing?

We're having fish cakes to celebrate your job interview.

How did it go?

Mum, we're out of cayenne pepper.

Those fish cakes are rubbish without cayenne pepper.

Garth, your mum has been beside herself all day.

She even sprayed hair mousse under her armpits this morning.

So please, tell us, how did it go?

College was great.

The interview went OK.

The teachers were really nice. Yeah, they seemed quite keen.

Oh, good.

And, of course, Forrest ran rings around West Ham last season, didn't they?

Wash your mouth out, Garthy Stubbs.

Well, that's that, then.

Well done, love.

No, it isn't.

I'm not going.

What? Did the rotten toe rags turn you down?

How dare they?

No, I don't want to go to college in Nottingham.

I want to stay home.

I don't understand.

I've been away from home for the last eight years, right?

I'll be away from home when I'm older, right?

So why be away from home now?

Oh, Garth, are you sure?

Yeah.

I discovered this prospectus for Harlow College.

I can learn to be a chef there.

Course you can.

And Tracy can still do all your washing and bring you a cup of tea every morning

and lie on the phone to your girlfriend.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let Sally row again. I told her you'd emigrated.

Come on, then. Get a move on with those fish cakes.

We've got some celebrating to do.

No. I'm the chef around here.

I'll make tea.

What do you say to beans on toast?

Hmm. I love beans on toast.

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone with

all...

dream.