Original subtitles

I think the best holiday me and Daryl ever had was Portugal. Really?

Right, if I fill up my bucket, love. Of course.

It was the first time we'd been away on our own together since Garfield was

born. There was a gorgeous beach. We spent every day on it.

Daryl looks lovely with a suntan.

Dorian, I'll never forget this little fish restaurant we found.

If I'm boring you, just let me know. I'm sorry.

Thanks very much, love.

It's OK.

You haven't. Not the window cleaner.

Tracy, just because a man winks at me, it doesn't necessarily mean I've slept

with him.

Recently.

I took myself shopping up Oxford Street.

What do you reckon?

Didn't they have one in green?

Shut up, you. It's really comfortable.

I've got you, Aunt Trace.

You shouldn't have.

I wanted to treat you. No, I mean it. You shouldn't have. Just because you've

got a few, Bob, you keep on treating me.

Makes me feel like a right charity case.

Don't be silly.

Go on, have it.

It's a genuine designer.

I don't care. Take it back.

I can't.

The law turned up, so the bloke had to leg it with his suitcase.

Then wear it yourself.

Trace, it's a size 12.

I've got more chance of getting in the Masons.

OK. Come on, I've had a good week at the cafe.

I felt like splashing out. Where's the arm?

Look, if I wanted a shell suit, I'd buy me own. I didn't need you to buy me one.

She has to be Miss Independent.

How much exactly did you make this week?

A couple of hundred.

I'm impressed.

Can't have been easy for you, building up your own business.

Go on, then.

What? Be sarcastic.

I'm being sincere.

It's not like you do.

Thanks, Dorian. Could you move away, please, Sharon? That colour could be

catching.

I'm quite chuffed with the way things have gone.

I've been lucky, though, especially with my staff.

That Gloria's a lovely old girl.

And what a worker.

You know, when Jesus was feeding the five sails and she was the one battering

the backs.

I bet you sleep easier now, Tracy, now that Sharon's bringing in a regular

income. What do you mean?

Well, I just mean your money worries must have eased now you've got Sharon to

support you. See?

What? This is because you keep on treating me. People are getting the idea

you're supporting me.

I know she's got the cafe, but I do my bit as well.

Remember whose house this is?

Daryl's.

Don't get out your pram, Trace.

No one's saying you don't pull your weight. I'm not getting out of my pram.

just don't want people thinking I'm some sort of useless gonk dependent on you

and your money to get by.

All done, love.

That's a tenner.

Can you lend me ten pound, please?

Gloria, egg, bacon, bubble beans and mushrooms.

How do you do that?

Well, that's what he always has.

They're creatures of habit, Meg.

You take my first husband.

He always read the mirror, always had St Bruno in his pipe and always gave me a

dozen red roses on my birthday.

Well, my Chris had a bit. Every one of them was disgusting.

Oh, here's that receipt from the bread delivery.

Oh, cheers, Gloria. Thanks a lot.

Sharon, have you sorted out your books yet?

No. I've found all the paperwork, though. I don't mind doing them for you.

can't ask you, Gloria.

You do it. Enough!

I already feel guilty about leaving you on your own here this afternoon.

No. Well, I have to visit Zulba the cheat now and again, or he starts to

that I'm going to fiddle him out of his over this place.

Oh, I know.

My third husband, he was the suspicious type.

How many husbands have you had?

Well, just the three.

Oh, and I've had to bury each one of them.

And they all died of food poisoning, you know.

Right, Sam.

Hello, Troy.

Oh, um, Sharon, why don't you go and sit with your sister? I can deal with this

gentleman here.

Please, Gloria.

All right.

Do you know Joe Fleck? Talk to him in a minute. No charge.

I know the governor.

I don't want to disturb you if you're busy.

Gloria, don't call this busy.

Look at her.

You know, as well as working here, she looks after her invalid sister.

I wouldn't mind betting that they're false ends.

And she's knitting blankets for remaining orphans under her pinny.

I want to do a bit of shopping before we go to the prison. I've got to get Aunt

Sylvie's birthday card.

No need. Already done it.

I always get Sylvie's card.

When I was walking past a card shop, saw a card I liked, so I went in and bought

it. No big deal. Are you trying to take over everything?

I've got some money, you know.

All right, you can pay me for it then. If it's suitable.

Where is it?

That's disgusting.

You want to see the bloke inside?

I thought we could order a bouquet as well.

Shaped as what?

Honestly, you've got no idea.

It's a laugh, Trace. That's what birthdays are supposed to be.

Ha ha.

We could give her that shell suit what you don't want. She's 85.

She'll think it's a body bag.

All right, handbag.

Only time I see you smile is when your old lady visits.

Nothing to laugh at in here, is there?

Oh, I don't know. Have a look at Mr. Big.

All right, Del.

Handbag.

Blimey, Sharon visiting you again?

That's twice in a year. Must be lost.

Our fees are different now.

Got a business, didn't we?

How could I forget?

Here you go. Here you are.

Have a lardy on me.

Stop. Here.

What you got there, then?

Oh, financial times.

No FT, no comment.

Oh, they've got pictures of birds flashing their lunch in there now, have

Because that's all you ever comment about.

Yeah, well, like I said, things are different now.

So what's the news, then?

FTSE going up or down?

What do you want to know?

The share index.

Oh, never mind.

Perhaps doing a bundle.

So you keep saying?

Couple of years, I reckon I'll have a chain.

Oh, I'll bring me whip and we could have a party.

Yeah.

It's funny how things have worked out, innit? How do you mean? Well, me having

business now and you having sod all.

It's a shame, Tracy, you couldn't keep your firm going.

Yeah, she's not very good with a shotgun.

I mean the legit stuff.

You know, the conservatue business.

I bet you wish Tracy was a bit more like my Sharon.

No, no.

I suppose not.

Here, how many has she got?

All right if I take two, is it?

Or haven't you got many?

No. Quite a load.

Oh, well. It's only three in here. Might as well have them all, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah. Here we go.

After you, mate. Oh, cheers.

How's my little darling? The calf's fine. Great.

I'm not too bad either, thanks.

Oh, good.

Did you get the name of the calf sorted out?

I've decided to call it Sharon's Calf.

But don't you think it should be named after the both of us?

Why don't you call it here, Dr. Lobber, that's his cafe?

Because the sign's only ten foot long.

Had a bit of a cold in the week.

Well, you didn't have to close the cafe, did you?

I've got a new assistant.

Huh? What happened to Gloria? Oh, I got rid of her.

Craig's much better.

Craig? Who's Craig?

He's this young Australian student working his way round Europe.

I bet he's working his way round you and all.

What do you mean?

Don't you trust me?

No.

Look, he's six foot two, blonde, tanned, really well built with piercing blue

eyes. Just your average Adonis.

Why on earth should I notice someone like him when I'm married to a short

little greaseball like you?

You're at it, all right.

Fair, innit, eh? Me, stuck. Oh, shut up.

I'm winding you up.

There is no Craig. You wicked cow.

What do you do that for?

Because you think more of the calf than you do of me.

Well, you've asked about it since I got here.

Well, sorry.

It's just, this trusts my chance to live it large.

I'm fed up with being a nobody.

Why? It's what you're best at.

Look, let me hold your hand.

Why? There's no money in it.

Come off it, Sharon. Look.

Owning this calf could bring us closer together.

Chris, handcuffs couldn't bring us closer together.

I've never known a man and wife argue like them two.

You sure they're not members of the royal family?

I know what I meant to tell you.

Dorian saw this flasher the other day. She went mental. He was wearing a Janet

Rieger camisole just like one of hers and it looked better on him.

It's unbelievable your sister making a go of that place.

I thought the only thing she knew about food was how to eat it.

Can we change the subject?

Righten up.

I'm just glad she's earning and paying something towards the house for a

Not something.

Everything. Even better.

It's not.

I hate being dependent on her.

Yeah, do you reckon she'd treat me?

There's one or two little things I need.

Sharon.

What are you doing?

Waving out.

That should do it.

I've known blokes do a lot less than get what they wanted off earth.

Haven't you got any pride?

What's pride got to do with it?

If she wants to be flashed with her cash, let her.

Chris strolls round in here like he's cocked at a war.

I just ignore him.

Take anything he's offering.

Yeah, well, I can't do that with Sharon.

I'm beginning to feel like a lodger in my own house.

Exaggerating. I'm not.

I've made up my mind. I'm going to get myself a job and earn my own keep.

No, look.

It's about time your sister pulled her weight. She's lived rent -free in our

house for years. That's not the point. Yes, it is.

Her and Chris have always treated us like a branch of the DSS.

They had no problem taking off us, so now it's our turn to take off them.

It's our turn, girl.

Go on.

Take them. I'm celebrating.

Thanks. He's a good girl.

I got your message.

What happened? What's the panic?

I am in the local paper.

Again?

No, it's not the court reports this time.

It's an article about me and my cat.

And there's a picture.

It's a good one, isn't it, Trace?

They're doing a feature about local businesswomen.

This week it's me, then the woman that owns the laundrette, and then they're

doing a prostitute that's working her way through college.

What's she studying?

Nothing, she's just working her way through college.

Sharon Theodopolopoulos, 26.

Well, the reporter must have misheard me.

Look, there's that darn French on the opposite page opening a sweet shop.

My jacksie don't look as big as hers, does it, Trace?

Of course not.

They call you a mover and a shaker in this article.

Well, it's saying I'm built like a stick insect.

No, they mean in the business sense. It means you make things happen.

It's a very flattering piece.

You know, all this success of yours has forced me to take a long, hard look at

my own life.

And all I can see is an empty, meaningless void.

Oh, dear.

I've run out of bellium again, have we?

I wonder if it's because I haven't made my mark on the world.

But you have, Dawn.

Your name's written in loads of men's toilets.

I'm being serious.

You always get like this when you're going with fair.

It's because you're between lovers.

Between lovers?

Now, there's a thought to cheer you up.

Look, we could have a hunt round the local wine bars tonight, eh? No, thank

Hard as it is to believe, this time I don't think sex is the answer.

Blimey. Maybe she's having a proper midlife crisis.

Midlife? Only if she lives to 150.

Thank you, Boo, for your support and understanding.

You can keep that door. Look, I've got loads over there.

Right.

Anyone hungry? I think I'll phone up for a pizza.

Yeah, all right, then. I'll give you something towards it. Put your money

I'll give you that for yourself, babe.

Right. What do we fancy?

I bet I'll leave you. I bet I'll go shopping at the parade.

Oh, all right then.

What are you doing then?

Nip into the canines and order them new nets for the front room windows, will

you? OK.

What ones are we going to get?

These.

What do you think, Dawn?

I wouldn't know. I'm not a net curtains person.

With what you get up to in your living room, I thought they'd have been a must.

I think these are better.

I wouldn't let a troller use them.

They're nice.

What do you know?

What is there to know?

We're picking out new nets.

It's not answering questions on masterminds. It's just a matter of

it? Well, that leaves you out.

I've got taste.

Oh, says the woman who seriously thought about calling her cafe, stuff till you

chuck.

What is it with you?

You're interfering.

This is my act.

and be able to afford noon now.

That's it.

Oh.

Sorry, love. Our price of 18 lunches is a Monday and Friday.

So what do we owe this pleasure?

Tracey's off out somewhere and I needed a chat.

Still looking for something to fill your void.

I know you don't take my predicament seriously.

Hang on a minute, Phil.

Gloria? Yes?

What are you cooking all that bacon for?

Getting ready for the rush.

What rush?

It's Wednesday afternoon.

Selma and Rushdie could eat in here over Wednesday afternoon.

Well, I heard some of the boys off at the building site was having a late

because of a site inspection.

Are you sure?

Sorry.

I see what you mean. She's good.

I keep getting this feeling that I should be slaughtering lambs in her

You want to try one of her mixed grills, doll? That'll soon fill your void.

As I was saying, I know you don't take my predicament seriously.

Sorry, I will. But the more I think about it, the more I'm certain that

something missing from my life.

And don't tell me I should be grateful for what I've got and that most women

will give their right arm for my health, carefree lifestyle and flat stomachs.

I know I'm lucky.

But I'm also greedy and I want something more.

What?

I don't know.

What exactly are you doing there?

I'm trying to sort my books out.

Well, make sure they're correct.

The last thing you want is the tax man on your back.

Digs his nails in, does he?

Right. Well, according to my figures, I have made three and a half million

pounds this month.

That's not correct, is it?

Your Marcus isn't a canon. How much does he charge?

Eighty pounds an hour, plus that.

What?

I was thinking of giving him a fry -up and a cup of tea.

Glorious off the throat, but I don't want to impose.

Well, Tracy did the books for the Prisoner's Wives group for a while. Why

you ask her?

I think she'd like to be involved a bit more.

From the display over the nets, I'd say she's feeling a bit left out.

That was just her being independent.

All the same, it's a good idea.

Who's that?

A pair of firm buttocks and the light seen back in your eye, isn't it?

What's his name?

Why, what does he do?

He's the Belgian ambassador.

I know he's from a building site. I just wondered what his trade was.

Rough, so you'll be all right.

Introduce me.

Yesterday, you said sex weren't what you were looking for. I know, I'm fickle.

That's another of my problems.

I know, Indore. It'll only use you. Sharon, just imagine him naked.

I'm wasting my time.

And be subtle when you introduce us.

All right, all right.

What, Sharon? All right, Wayne? Wayne?

You haven't met my friend, have you?

Dorian? This is Wayne.

Wayne?

It's your birthday.

My turn to treat you.

Shame I'm on a diet.

I'll only be able to have two bits.

What's all this in aid of?

Got myself a job.

Eh, when?

Today. Doing what?

Delivering junk mail.

Saw the advert in that paper you was in, rung up, and I got it.

How much are they paying you?

Well, obviously you don't get the best round straight away.

And how much are they paying you, Tracy?

Eight pounds a day.

Eight pounds?

That's mug's work.

cafes. I'm 34 with no qualifications and no experience. It was all I could get.

At least it's a start.

Right. Work hard, keep your nose clean, and in a couple of years you could be

on, what, two grand a year.

Big time.

Don't take the mick out of me. You've had enough crap jobs.

Sorry.

Look, why don't you work for me doing me books?

I was going to ask you.

Be a bit of pocket money for you.

Pocket money?

What do you think I am, a kid?

I didn't mean it like that.

Look, I need your help, Trace. I can't make head nor tail of them.

You just want to keep me dependent on you.

What are you talking about?

You know.

You've got a real problem with me owning this cafe, haven't you?

I don't give a toss about your poxy cafe.

What gets me is the way you keep throwing it in my face.

For the first time in our lives, you're the one who's better off. And you love

letting me know it.

That's not true.

Anyway, you've got no room to talk.

What about all the years I had to put up with you coming round to my flat in

your designer clothes, giving me a disapproving look and bunning me a score

treat myself?

Never got the ump, did I?

Just because I lived in a council flat didn't mean I had no self -respect.

What? You made that to the social you had headlines so you could get free

shampoo?

Yeah. Well, that was different, weren't it?

Christmas and birthdays were the worst.

All I could give you was half a pound of milk tray, and you'd give me a blast

for me selling Ron.

Well, I don't know why I bothered. You never wore it. Then what did I have to

with it? A pair of pink velour tracksuit bottoms?

I hated being the poor relation.

Yeah, well, now you're making sure you get your own back. No, I'm not!

Huh?

Well, all right, perhaps a bit.

But I ain't doing it out of malice, Trace.

I'm just glad to be able to help you for a change.

your trouble.

You're spoilt, you are.

All right, so just for once, poor little Sharon's got the jump on her big

sister. And you can't stand it, can you?

Morning.

Want some breakfast before you go to work? No, thank you.

Suit yourself.

Oh, Sal.

She really upset me, Dore.

She can't bear to think of me having the upper hand.

She still sees me as the little kid she used to have to look after when I wet

the bed.

She's not going to do the books for you, then?

Not as far as I know.

Sharon, I've told you before, I'll do them for you.

I can't ask you, Gloria.

Don't be silly, I don't mind, really.

OK, thanks.

Oh, good.

I was hoping she'd say that.

What a diamond.

Oh, don't worry, Dore. Wayne will be here.

What's the matter with you?

This close to a date, you're usually all aglow and sweating oestrogen.

I don't want a date.

I want to cancel.

I've been thinking about my life again and I was right first time. Sex isn't

answer. Well, not one night stands anyway.

I told you I was sickle.

I mean, what do I get out of going with all these men?

A world record?

None of them care about me.

Afterwards, the married ones are just concerned about getting home for

bath time.

And the single ones just lie there basking in the glory of their own

to hell with what I'm feeling.

Well, both of them are an improvement on Chris.

He just used to roll off and break wings.

I know what it is that's missing from my life now. A real relationship.

One that's caring and meaningful. I'm not going to get that with Wayne, am I?

I just hope I can go through with cancelling him.

I've never said no before.

Well, here's your chance.

If anyone wants me, I'll be at the Fernrod Motel for the rest of the week.

I thought we were meeting later at the wine bar.

I need to talk first.

Kinky.

Wayne. Oh, God, this is difficult.

About our date this evening.

What's that aftershave you're wearing?

Armani.

That's my favourite.

No, I must be strong.

I'm strong enough for both of us.

I've been down the gym for an hour, toning myself up for you.

I've got the whole evening planned.

We'll have a drink, a light supper.

And then we go back to my place.

You

can

do that, can you?

As many times as you like.

I'm sorry, Sharon. Can't do it.

You're hopeless, you are.

Wayne!

What Dorian's struggling to tell you is your date's off.

Permanently.

Thank you, Sharon.

I'm really sorry, Wayne.

Yeah, me too.

I really thought a lot of you, Deidre.

Dorian.

Whatever.

I wonder what Mandy's doing tonight.

He's just putting a brave face on it.

Deidre.

What are you doing here?

Where are you going?

Rachel, you're sacked.

Eh? What are you doing?

I spent today doing your books.

Your delivery notes and your till receipts don't tally.

She's been feeding your stock.

I don't believe it.

wages you was paying, do you?

I thought you were happy here. You seem so willing.

Oh, yeah, happy and willing to rob you blind.

Call the police.

I don't think so.

Right, Sharon.

She's lost her job, Trace. That's punishment enough.

No, she's a thief. She deserves nicking. Call her.

I've been paying her cash in hand to avoid national insurance.

If I grass her, she'll grass me.

I haven't got no invalid sister.

She's doing five years for fraudulent deception.

Nobody runs the dodgy pension book racket like my sister.

Oh.

Oh, look.

It's the drama queen.

You done a big mistake. I would have strumped that way until me dentures

rattled.

Excuse me.

What's happened to Gloria?

It's a long story. Tell me.

Sorry, I acted like such a sport car.

We're a team, right?

Yes.

So you'll help me with that pile of washing up, then?

Cobblers?

It was you who sacked me assistant.

I'm not doing it.

Oh, dear, Dre!