All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s03e13 Xmas Special - Well Always Have Majorca

Far away, and I am blue.

What do I do?

Thank you.

Here, Dalton.

I'm going to be out for Christmas, mate.
I've got bail.

How do you manage that? My brief said
the drugs was just for my own use.

I'm only trafficking.

Abel, you had four kilos of marijuana.
I'm heavy smoker, man.

I mean, come on.

I mean, I'm a rock star. We've got to
use a bit. It's to do with the image,

isn't it?

My accountant reckons I ought to be able
to claim it off tax.

Rod Dunn.

Rod Dunn. Savage.

That's it.

He turned out for me.

Character witness.

Look, Savage.

He's in a detox unit.

He's full of everything. He's like a
branch of boots on leg. Well, there you

He's an expert witness.

And me record's done me in good stead.

What you on about?

You've been done for drugs hundreds of
times.

Exactly. I'm an established user.

I don't do trafficking.

Here.

Do you want me to send you in a chunk so
you can sell it off?

I know you've been good to me, and I'd
like to do something.

You sure you're all right, Daryl?

You seem a bit down.

Yeah. I don't think why.

Here I am in this lovely prison.

Nice crowd to talk to in my cell all the
time.

Clean underwear once a week.

A shower every Tuesday.

Whether I need it or not.

God.

Don't say it's my own fault I'm in here,
Tracy.

I wouldn't say I've been like that,
Daryl.

I know, I know.

I've never said I've been like that.

I know.

I mean, it is your own fault.

I've never done no bank robbing.
Chrissie.

Well, it's hard for me and all you know,
Daryl. I know.

I know.

But it's Christmas soon.

It just makes things worse. Reminds me
of everything I'm missing.

Yeah. Still cheer up.

Garfield will be coming along with me
next visit.

Not exactly coming along, no.

Eh? He wrote to me.

He wants to see me on his own.

What for?

Well, I don't know.

You know, man -to -man stuff, I suppose.

Well, why can't we all ever talk?

Well, I just want to see his dad.

Alone. For a chat.

He hasn't had a chance for two years.

Yeah, I suppose.

And I'll see you Christmas week. Give
you a present then.

No, Tracy, no.

I don't want to see you again.

Well, not till the new year.

Aye? I just want to forget all about
Christmas. Get my head down and do my

I'm really sorry, Tracy, for just a few
weeks, yeah?

No, he's not here. He's visiting his
dad.

No, I don't know what about. He hasn't
told me.

I don't know what all the secret is
about.

He can't be asking about the birds and
the bees. He's 17.

Well, he probably knows the basics.

Maybe he's just a bit hazy on the
advanced stuff.

You know, like the Essex girl that
didn't know the difference between

and patty.

Her windows fell out.

I don't like all these Essex girl jokes.

I'm an Essex girl.

Anyway, who told you that?

Will did, actually.

Oh, don't you start calling him Will.
His name's Garth.

He's ashamed of his own name and he's
getting all posh on me.

He said quintessential yesterday.

Blimey, what's that mean?

How should I know?

Well, he goes for a posh school chase. I
mean, it's what you're paying for,

isn't it?

And he said one.

Good at maths, then, is he?

As in, one wouldn't want to go to a red
-brick university.

You mean like Prince Charles?

Yes.

Bloody hell.

How's he going to turn out, shall?

One dreads to think so.

Cheers, Daryl.

Here, Daryl.

Why don't you see the missus over
Christmas?

Well, I'm planning a break out, see,
Chris, and I don't want her down for

and abetting. Oh, right.

What do you mean, a breakout?

What? You mean, a breakout?

You want to come?

How are you doing it?

Once before they let a band out of this,
Nick, to do a gig.

Two screws and four legs.

Is that why you got the prison band
started?

It's nice to see prison hasn't dulled
your razor -sharp mind, Chris.

Yeah, but I mean, now Abel Kane's gone,
we ain't got no lead vocalist.

Let's ask Malcolm.

Malcolm? Yeah, he does Elvis
impressions.

He's quite good.

Malcolm's a screw.

Oh, right.

Where are we going?

Cutting an all for Scotland.

Sir Crofter's place.

Clash Nessie.

Clash Nessie? Stroll on, what a name.
Yeah, so you'd better do a bit of work

your Scots accent.

Eh? Well, we don't want to stick out up
there, do we? We've got to blend in.

Oh, yeah. Well, I suppose we do.

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Jimmy.

Oh, like I say, work on it.

Hi.

I'm, uh... Abel Cain.

That's it.

It was on the tip of my tongue.

You're Abel Cain? Yeah.

I've just been in prison with, um...
Daryl Stubbs?

I've just been in prison with him.

He said to come round.

I would have phoned, only, uh... You
forgot the number.

How do you know?

He gave me the address.

He said it was in, um... Chigwell.

Chigwell, I see.

I've been to Chingford, Chiswick, Cheen.

Here. All's well that ends well.

Oh my God, do you know who you are?

Not necessarily, Tracey.

What?

You've done this before, haven't you?

As it happens, I once searched for a
star once.

What? On a telly?

No, at Mooster's Arms.

Snodland. But would I ever tell it to
you?

Great venue there.

Mooster's Arms.

Snodland.

See, now and now's I got the villa.

It's owned by eight of me companies.

All registered upstairs from a barber's
in Lichtenstein.

I did it that way to keep things simple
on the tax side.

Simple? Yeah, cos that way I simply
don't pay tax.

I forget which company's got it now.

I do forget things.

I used to do a lot of drugs, see?

Yeah.

I used to like to drink and all.

I remember that time when you was on
Wogan and you did a few.

Oh, yeah.

I read about it, yeah.

So, this villa.

Yeah, why don't you?

I want you to. I don't want it empty and
I can't go.

But they got me passport.

I'm on bail.

Why don't we what?

Have it for a fortnight over Christmas.

Oh, sorry, did I forget to say?

Thanks very much, Dale. Pleasure, mate.

You got the gig.

Fantastic.

What night? What? Disco, is it?

Be a few chicks there, would he?

Hardly. It's lunchtime.

Mereworth Green retirement hour.

Completely that.

I'll just put this here.

Oh, yeah, that's fine.

What? You're... You're... Are you
Malcolm Woolwich?

Yeah, that's right. Have we met?

I saw you at Snodland.

The monster.

Oh, yeah.

You were wonderful.

Yeah.

Oh, how amazing.

I'm sat in a car with Malcolm Rowland.

Yeah.

My name is Bernice.

Oh, Bernice.

I must say,

Will's awfully nice.

He's named Garth.

Marcus is very pleased with him. He's
the best work experience trainee he's

had. Work experience?

That's another word for slave labour,
isn't it?

No, that's two words, Sharon.

Shut your face, it's three words.

Oh,

this is lovely. Where is it?

Yorker. It's a villa we can have for
Christmas.

Oh, how wonderful. We're going to Oslo,
if you please, on business.

Oslo? We ain't going nowhere.

We ain't got the money for the fare.

Don't go away.

told Marcus his company can pay for the
tickets so we can all go.

To Majorca?

No, Sharon, to Majorca.

Well, what do you think?

Your Marcus will come. No, just me.
Marcus has to be in Oslo.

Well, you'll be getting free tickets.
It's not that bad having me along, is

Well, I don't mind.

If the Tory adores, I'll feel sorry for
them.

It'll be very nice, Dorian.

Yeah.

Yeah, it'll be really nice, Dorian.

Good. Now, Will is going to liaise with
Susan Ollerenshaw to make all the travel

arrangements. Who's Susan Ollerenshaw?

Well, what does that matter?

Look, do you want to go or not? Because
if you do, we have to make plans.

If we get to the airport quick, we'll be
in Glasgow before Malcolm's on the

first encore of Blue Suede Shoes.

By the time we're the third item on the
news, we'll be tucked up in Clash

Nessie. Safe and sound.

Quiet as mice.

Aye. Quiet as a moose loose in a hoose.

Hello, Will.

His name's Garth.

Hello, Mother.

Mother?

Hello, Aunt Sharon.

What's wrong with Garth, Garth?

There's nothing wrong with it. It's
just, well, it's a trace new, you know.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right.

What's Nouve?

Nouveau riche.

New, rich.

Persons of a lower class who acquire
money as opposed to those who inherit.

Oh, you mean like you do?

Well, there are degrees of it.

So, how do you know when a name's Nouve
and when it's OK?

There is a test, actually.

Oh, yeah? Yes.

See how you like the sound of a monarch
with the name.

What? Like Kevin the Eighth, Wayne the
Fifth, Good King Spike, you know.

Garth the First.

Dorian the Last.

One doesn't actually have to be one.
One?

See, I told you, he says one.

Me own flesh and blood and he says one.

Gordon, Benny, how am I going to live
this time?

Oh, yeah.

Who are these ladies? What's going on?

Oh, come on, Mel.

You're a man of the world.

When we was on the outside, we always
had a bit of extracurricular now and

Yeah, but what are they doing here now?

Look, Malcolm.

Who's the star of the show?

Yeah, well, when you put it like that, I
suppose I am, aren't I? Exactly.

It's you.

With Keith, Pete, Warren and Trevor
backing.

Me and Daryl, well, we're just... Wait,
wait.

You don't need us.

In fact, you're better off without us.

Look, you just do the show while me and
Daryl... Don't be ridiculous.

Turn my back on you and Daryl when it's
from our relationships in a broom

cupboard. Keep really up. There's a
padlock.

You could kill yourself.

No.

No way, Carol. No way.

Well, well.

And I had you down as an A1 man of the
world who wouldn't object to a couple of

his mates having a spot of harmless fun.

Yeah, well... Certainly, that's the
impression I got from their niece's

the other day.

Seems you're pretty wild yourself.

What? The recording she made.

They're amazing, these recording
briefcases, aren't they?

She said, oh, yeah.

I would like to play this.

to his wife, Dorothy, who lives at their
home, 47A Howard Terrace, Maidstone,

Kent, ME37QY. I'll send her the tape
unless I hear from you in the usual way.

Sorry, Mel, but we couldn't let this
letter go through the usual channels.

We didn't think the censor ought to see
it, really.

On balance.

Christmas in Majulka.

I tell you, there won't be a jug of
sangria left on that island by the time

finished.

I feel so guilty, Cheryl.

It ain't guilt, Trace, it's depression.

Ever since the decorations went up in
Oxford Street, you've been stabbing your

face. I tell you, you carry on like
that, Margo, and you'll end up borrowing

clothes.

You'll feel better in Mallorca.

Father wouldn't want you to miss out on
a good time because of him.

His name's Dad.

Are you mad?

They have been let out to play a
concert.

You can't let them in there and bonk
themselves silly while we're doing a

I mean, have you taken leave of your
senses or what?

Mind you, this way you'd get to play all
the lead guitar solos.

Ladies and gentlemen, a very warm
welcome, please, for Malcolm Walledge

Jailhouse Rockers.

So what is all this about?

We're travelling as Marcus's employees,
so he can put the tickets through his

company. That's why I had to check this
all in.

Oh, I see.

Excuse me.

You wouldn't mind not doing my seatbelt,
would you?

Well, isn't this nice?

Oh, sorry. This is the way to travel.

Oi, love.

Funks down another bottle, will ya? I'm
a champagne lurk, mate.

Olé!

What's your trace?

To bring my babies?

Daryl.

What's your Sharon?

Put a kettle on.

Chris. All right, though?

No.

Look at me. I've heard of unwanted
relatives turning up for Christmas, but

is ridiculous.

I'm going to faint.

Oh, stuff me. That feels good, darling.

Don't even think about it. Oh, come on,
go.

Look, you may have got over the wall,
but that's the only thing you're getting

your leg over this Christmas.

Hello, Dad.

Oh, don't get off me, mate.

You've done absolutely brilliant, my old
son.

Done what brilliant? What's going on?

What are you doing here? You're in
prison.

And just what is it exactly that good
King Willie here has done so bloody

brilliantly? Oh, well, see, we've
escaped.

Well, we've noticed that much.

Yeah, well, the old bill that we ran
chig was, wasn't it? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, great.

Tracy Stubbs and Sharon Theodoropoulos
never left England, did they?

What do you mean?

Martin Wozencroft and Susan Ollerenshaw
did.

Garth! Dennis Wilkins, actually.

So that's what the man -to -man chat was
all about.

No one knows who we're here. No one.

Shut up for me!

You've turned my son into a villain!

No, Tracy, no. He goes to a good school,
my Garthy!

Our Garthy?

He says one and quintessential!

Right, right, you know.

This isn't a spot of hotting.

It's not some jolly jeep.

This is deadly serious.

I only did the names on the tickets.

Oh, how can you say that? You obviously
masterminded the whole thing.

You are a deceitful, duplicitous
delinquent with a down -market name.

How can you say that?

It's the truth.

But you planned all that escaping. You
never thought about what you were going

to do for the rest of your life.

I just want to be with you, Tracy.

I love you.

Well, I love you, Daryl, but now what
are we going to do?

Well, I thought me and Chris could nick
a couple of guitars, you know, and play

around the bars, and maybe you and Sean
could get jobs as waitresses.

At least we'd be together.

Well, what about the house and Garfield
School?

Can't we just enjoy our Christmas and
worry about all that after, eh?

Just a couple of days, yeah?

Oh, Daryl. Oh, Tracy.

Behave yourself.

One son is coming.

My God, that Dorian's got a mouth on
her, hasn't she?

What? She gave me a real ticking off.

Oh.

Is that all?

Anyway, I think I'll just wander into
Magaluf, all right? All right, then. See

you later, son.

If you can't be good, be careful.

I'll be careful.

Bye.

Well? What happens now?

After two years, sugar, I'll tell you
one thing that happens now.

What about the police? I've already seen
to them.

Now I'm sure to.

Are you sure this is the place?

Yes, sir. The Adolphe Loppet has told
everyone that we're going to Krishna

Right.

Oh,

been for a walk?

Yeah. But this Greek kept following me.

But I cook.

I ain't hungry.

Hello, Will.

I cooked.

Oh, this is Janice.

We had something in Magaloo.

I can imagine.

I'll show you the view.

I should have bought needlepoint.

Oh, train.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Jess.

Shut up.

Oh, Sharon.

Oh, Chris.

Oh, no!

Get your steaming great paws off me, you
slimy ratbag.

What did you expect?

Well, you know, that we are married.

Oh, I see.

Pick up our marriage where you left off
before you went inside.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Oh, that's all right then.

For a moment there, I thought you wanted
to sleep with me.

Look, all I want is for things to be
like they was in the old days.

Well, that's me bag, Chris.

I'll turn me back, you nick some money
at me purse and take a tart out for the

night. Oh, come on, Sharon.

Look, things are different since I've
been in prison.

Well, of course they are.

For two years, you ain't had access to
bimbos or wheat knicker elastic.

Must have changed your stomach shocking,
Chris.

Look, it's not like that.

Sharon, I love you.

Oh, shut up, Chris.

You give me a pain, you really do.

Look, I'll tell you, why don't you ask
Garfield away to Megaluf, eh?

Shouldn't take you more than a few
minutes to score there.

Happy hunting.

Well, he says they don't normally do
Christmas dinner, but he's sure he can

up with something interesting.

All I want is chips. I've plenty of
them.

Here, Del.

Do you remember that guy Koga, who were
Nick and the Wilson brothers?

Bloody hell, Chris. Talk about talking
shop.

Do you think we could have a rest,
Hills, from the Nick?

No. No.

Do you remember him, Del?

I do, Chris, yeah.

I remember him very well, as it happens.
He's a super.

Scotland Yard, I think.

Where about him?

He's inside.

What, he's bent?

No, he's inside.

Well,

what's he doing here in Majorca?

Well, maybe he's on holiday.

Maybe he's on to us.

Well, what do we do?

Okay, now look.

Just all leave, quietly.

Launching at night. Don't draw
attention.

Get back to the villa as quick as
possible.

Right.

Quietly. Don't draw attention.

You have not paid your bill.

You didn't like the food? Oh, it's
delicious. I just couldn't finish,

eyes are bigger than my belly, mate.

Pull up for me. How are your eyes bigger
than your belly? I don't understand.

You're still in? Here, look, Matty, just
take the fish.

Cover of damage.

Lovely food.

Nice ambiance. Wonderful service.

Fancy Kogar being a Mallorca. If you say
that one more time, Chris, I'll brain

you, so help me, I will.

Yeah, but I mean, what's he doing here?
How should I know?

I mean, no one knows, will you?

Thanks to Garfield.

Thanks to you making a criminal with
your own son.

Listen, listen, it's probably got
nothing at all to do with us.

So, just to be on the safe side, we
won't go out for a bit. We'll just lie

in the villa, eh?

Well, this is going to be a jolly
Christmas, all of us banged up for the

duration. Don't say banged up, Dor.

I'm sorry. One picks these phrases up,
you know.

Who's there? Oh, no one knows Maria.

Can't you go, Dore?

What? Oh, go on, Dore. You're not
involved. No one's after you.

No, but I will be when they find out
I've been harbouring convicted

Oh, this is intolerable.

I just wanted a bit of sun for
Christmas.

Oh, please, Dore.

I am never going to forgive anyone for
this, ever.

Buenos dias.

I never buy at the door. Thank you. Si,
senora.

Or give to charity.

Si, senora. Me llamo Pedro.

This isn't to do with the good news in
the Bible, is it?

Senora? Would you excuse me for just a
moment, please?

There's a man at the door.

Oh, would you like us to go?

Does anyone speak any Spanish?

Oh, how

nice. A little mime for the panel.

He's a cleaner.

Let's shoot him to the guard till he
shakes and backs off.

I'll guide you, Tim, like you did
yesterday, and you said then you'd be

eternally grateful.

Well, I know, but I can't be eternally
grateful forever, can I, Mum?

Here you are, then.

Where are you going, anyway?

Disco. The yuletide bop till you drop.

All night dancing to Three Wise Men.

We get free gifts and all. Oh, yeah.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh, I expect.

Aren't they the solicitors by Chigwell
Station?

See you later. See you. Bye.

Do you reckon they'll go all the way?

What, to Magaluf?

You know what I mean.

He's only a kid, shall.

He's 17, Trace.

He's told her he's 18.

Look, there's no way you can stop kids
revising because they're biology

practical. Yes.

I was pregnant with him when I was his
age.

No, I wasn't. I dad him. I was walking
around with him stuck to me boobs.

Now he's stuck to Janice's.

So the boys just going to stay in the
whole holiday?

Well, they're frightened to go out now.

I wish I could stay in with Daryl.

Why don't you? Because they'd be upset.

He wants me to see my yulka and enjoy
myself.

She's still sulking?

Yeah, but she wants to sulk while she's
out and about enjoying herself.

She doesn't want to stay indoors and
sulk for the boys.

Please, you must take this trip.

It's the best on the island.

El Capitano will give you a very good
price.

He's a friend of mine.

The driver of this thing is wet -eyed.

Can you be down for that?

Drunk and charged with glass bottles.

I don't know, Sharon.

Are you sure he's drunk?

Just give me quiet, Sharon.

I'm feeling just a little unwell right
now.

You're not seasick. Of course I'm not
seasick.

Just feeling a little off colour, all
right?

Funny.

No, no, no. Of course it's funny.

Shut up.

What's the matter?

Dorian's feeling a bit upset.

You're not seasick.

Would you please keep your voice down?

No, no, Trish. She's not seasick.

She's just a bit...

Why, we happen to be at sea.

Sort of thing.

Oh, I am sorry, Dore.

Never mind, we'll be getting off in a
minute.

Yes.

Could you please change the subject?

That looked lovely in our old shell.

Is that right?

That lovely greeny colour Dorian's gone.

Yes,

you will.

Well, how long are we going to be here
for, then?

Two hours.

Two hours?

For 20 minutes.

But it's too sonic.

Unless he was telling me to go away.

Harold?

Someone's coming.

Don't shake him back.

He's coming in.

Quick, out of the back.

You'd get that many of them boat trips
on Christmas Eve, would you?

How do you mean?

Well, a boat like ours has just gone
past.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me! What was

all that about, then, eh?

Just waiting in bedrooms.

Oh, well, maybe you didn't quite finish
yesterday, then.

Where was it, Si?

Got it.

This cove can only be reached by the sea
because of the acantilados

impenetrables.

The impenetrable cliffs.

Right, right.

Christmas on the rocks.

Well, surely the driver will come up and
realise we're missing, won't he?

Trace? The bloke was so drunk, he
probably thinks he's got twice as many

as he started out with.

Getting half getting cold.

Let's huddle together for warmth.

Actually, make it. It's surprisingly
cosy.

Do you reckon we could climb over?

Tracy, Chris Bonington couldn't climb
over that. And if he could, he'd need

what names.

Tampons and his pythons.

crampons and pitons.

Which we ain't got.

There'll be another boat along in a
minute.

What if it's dark?

There can't be sightseeing this time of
night.

Let's go and look for them.

No one will see us in the dark.

Yeah, okay.

Maybe we should build a fire.

Oh, right.

And I'll trap a few rabbits and we can
cook them for supper. And then we can

sing Ging Gang Goolie round the
campfire.

It was a perfectly sensible suggestion.

Oh, thank God someone's coming.

Yeah, but I think it's the police.

Someone's doing Jim Davidson
impressions.

Buenas noches, senoras.

Pedro, how did you know he was here?

Well, I see the boat returned without
you.

So I asked el capitano, but he fast
asleep.

So I asked the passengers.

He weren't asleep, Pedro. He was wet
off.

Huh? You know, drunk.

Oh, when someone is drunk, you say he's
got bottom like Big Mouth, huh?

Three shades to the wind or pistas and
oaks. As much as I would like to spend

Christmas in the open discussing the
picturesque aspects of the English

language, could we go now, please?

Sure, I've got my little fishing boat
there, but the sea, she's very rough.

You sure you don't mind, huh?

We could sing some sea shanties.

Oh, yeah, like 15 men on Dorian's chest.

Pedro,

you're a hero.

I know. I'm a nice man.

I'm a very nice man. I'm a very, very
nice man.

Chase, do you reckon all this faulty
tears business is on the level?

Who cares?

Theodore, a nice dry villa at last, eh?

Fancy a nice cup of tea?

Or a nice greasy bacon sandwich?

You sadistic...

Fish are fat.

And a very Merry Christmas to you too,
Dorian.

Oh, the boys have done the tree night,
haven't they?

Never mind the tree. Where are they?

Daryl!

Daryl! They're not here.

Don't suppose they've been arrested,
shall?

Nah, it's all right, Trace. I've left a
note. Look.

Gone to find a couple of birds.

Gone looking for us, you gomp. Yeah,
it's the same thing, isn't it?

And it's a little drinky.

Yeah, I don't mind if I do.

I thought you said a little drink.

Yeah, we're like these Spanish barmen
alike.

It's not as strong as the stuff back
home, anyway.

Salud.

Your mum and auntie Sharon went missing.

Then the fuzz arrived.

They've been guarding the place since
two o 'clock this morning.

What's happening?

I don't know.

I'll go and find out. No, don't, don't,
don't. Hey!

They ain't here.

We ain't seen them.

We didn't even know they'd escaped.

He won't even let me visit him.

I have never seen these two women before
in my entire life.

I'm simply a woman of a certain age and
unblemished character, travelling

privately and minding my own business.

Shut up, will you?

Listen, officer. We are three English
missionaries sent here by our church to

good works among the poor people of
Majolka.

Alguin mas in la casa?

No, senor.

Solamente las señorinas?

Claro que si.

Cherche la fame, eh? Oh.

You speak English.

That weren't English.

No, it was French. But it's been
absorbed into the English language like

entrepreneur, order, and soixante -neuf.

If I might get a word in edgeways,
madam.

Superintendent Cogart, New Scotland
Yard.

The investigation of a particularly
large international criminal operation

that I'm temporarily stationed on this
delightful island.

So, you see, a policeman's lot is not
always an unhappy one.

Especially since we're all on a nice bit
of double bubble.

It being Christmas Day.

Look, could you tell us what this is all
about, please?

You see, I have absolutely nothing to do
with this. Nothing at all. To do with

what, madam?

With whatever this is.

All about.

I wish I knew what they were talking
about.

The big one's just after the alarm. He's
checked inside the system.

He speaks Spanish.

They do have schools in Burnley, you
know.

That's my bag.

And that's mine.

Please be careful. Those bags cost a
fortune.

You've been trying to do your bit for
the single European market, have you?

You're not obliged to say anything. But
anything you do say will be taken down

and used in evidence.

Shouldn't think it will be, though.

We've got so much evidence, there'd
hardly be room.

Drugs. Evil bloody kind.

My dad's got all his records.

Did I not want to ask then?

Oh, blimey.

That's a relief.

I have been grilled like a criminal.

At any moment I was expecting the rubber
hose pipes in the electrodes.

I've given money to Amnesty
International.

I know what goes on.

Well, I hope you didn't tell them
anything.

I've told them all I could.

I'd have told them the whole truth,
including my age and waist size, if

just let me go.

I just want to get out of here.

I could have been spending Christmas
with my darling Marcus in Norway.

Do they still garotte people in Spain?

Don't be daft, Dawn. I am not being
daft.

This is drugs.

It's very serious.

This isn't England.

They're savage, these foreigners.

I'm sure they still have the death
penalty.

And on top of all that, they could find
out at any moment that we have been

harbouring criminals.

Oh, yeah.

Very likely they'll go rot us twice.

Signora Stubbs?

Yeah? You have a visitor.

A visitor?

What's your taste?

I'll visit you in prison for a change.
See what it's like this side of the

table.

Oh, sorry, I couldn't get you a cigar.

The shops are all shut for Christmas.

Never mind that.

How could you?

How could I what?

Get involved in drugs and everything.

Is that how you were going to keep me
and Garfield while you were on the run?

The drugs were all down to Abel Kane.

Him and Pedro have been running our
stuff for years.

Pedro? They must have thought they could
use you to smuggle some in for them,

seeing as Abel's passport's been
confiscated.

You mean Pedro put all that stuff in our
bags?

Pete, actually.

Eh? His name's not Pedro.

It's Pete Morgan.

He used to be Abel's roadie. He handles
the Mallorcan side.

Oh, that explains it. What, the terrible
Spanish accent?

No, why, he was such a lousy cleaner.

He never slept under the beds, he never
cleaned the legs properly.

Anyway... The Spanish police have picked
up Pedro.

Pete Morgan?

Right. And I've told Kogar everything I
know about Abel Kane.

Well, you grasped him. Yeah.

The rule book says you're allowed to
inform on drug runners who set your old

lady up.

So now, Kogar's got a cast -iron case
against Abel Kane and two desperate

escaped prisoners to take back the
blighty with him.

He must think it's Christmas.

You give yourself up.

Yeah.

Well, you know, I toyed with the idea of
letting you take the rap and me

visiting you once a fortnight, but
Kogart reckons he can fix it so me and

won't lose no remission.

Oh, Darryl.

Still, we'll always have my Yorker.

Yeah.

I'll see you inside.

I shall be in Scotland.

Oh, don't forget to get those snaps
developed before you visit me in

Something to remember my Yorker by.

Yeah.

Of course, that may not be the only
thing we have to remember New Yorker by.

Eh? How do you mean?

Well, it could be the tension and the
olive oil and getting arrested.

Yeah.

But I think I'm pregnant.

Just off then?

Yeah. Thank you, dear.

Bye,

Mrs Green.

Bye, Gar.

Are you... Sure, you're going to be all
right here on your own door. Oh, yes,

thank you, Sharon. I just couldn't face
going straight back to Marcus after,

well, everything.

No, I'm sorry.

Look, Dot, I know this holiday's been a
total muck -up. No thanks to you. It

wasn't your fault. Have a safe journey.

Come on, Sharon, we ain't got long. You
sure you're going to be all right on

your own door?

Yes, I'm fine now. Hurry off. I'm sorry
you had such a bad time.

It's all right.

Dorian?

You OK?

Come in, Manuel.

On the 11th day of Christmas my true
love says to me 11 ladies dancing, 10

puppets flapping, 9 drummers drumming 8
plates of milk, 7 taunts of swimming,

6...

Next on BBC One, the essential bouquet
guide to enjoying an impeccably refined

Christmas.

Mates are milking, salmon swans are
swimming, pigs feet are lying, fuck!