Original subtitles

I've been dying to do that ever since I got out of the doctors.

You know it's like when you've got an itchy bum. There's always someone

behind you, isn't there?

Did the doctor say exactly what was causing your irritation?

What do you mean? Apart from you, Dore.

No, he said it's some allergy I've picked up.

Hey, Trace, have you changed your washing pad? No. Have you changed your

underwear?

Yes.

There's a letter there from your husband.

Oh, unusual for him to put crayon to paper.

Perhaps you're a bit run down, Sharon.

You know what I've always found to be a wonderful tonic? I'm not walking past

work with my blouse open, darling.

Cod liver oil.

Oh, our cousin's great -grandad swore by fish, never anything else.

Trace, the man thought he was a flamingo.

Yeah, he was mad, but he was fit.

There's not many 95 -year -olds who spend all day standing on one leg.

I don't want cod liver oil. I ain't run down. I've got an allergy.

The anti -histamines the doctor gave me will soon get rid of it. I tell you, a

bit of bloody head.

I can't believe it.

£3 .40 for a prescription?

Disgusting. I worked it out.

I clear £71 .35 a week from that poxy cleaning job. So that prescription has

cost me 5 % of my wages.

I know how you feel, Sharon. My allowance from Marcus goes nowhere these

You know, I have had to reduce my tennis lessons from four to three a fortnight.

Ain't there a support group you can join, girl?

Blimey! He's written two pages.

Someone must have taught him the second half of the alphabet.

What you have to understand, Sharon, is that when Marcus and I voted

Conservative, we did so on the strict understanding that any recession would

start and end north of Watford.

We're... Just a little misery in the inner London boroughs to give the

impression that the whole country was suffering equally.

You're such a selfish mare.

I look after number one. Life isn't a charity.

Oh, no.

What? Something happened to Chris?

No. It's bad news.

His uncle Costas has died.

Oh.

What do you want for dinner?

Don't overdo the grief, will you, Tracey? I didn't know him. Well, you're

upset, are you, Sharon? I thought you disliked all Chris's family.

No, not Costas. He was different.

He treated me all right.

When they all come up to me at the wedding to pin the money on me, he was

only one that used a safety pin.

The jammy little... Costas has only left Chris's drinking club. Well, that's

lucky. It's better than bleeding lucky.

It's what the local Greek football team uses a calf and a club ass.

It's what's known as a nice little earner.

Blimey, he wants me to run it for him.

Reckons it'll help and bring us back together.

That's great, shall.

If you think I'm going to give that little weasel another chance to walk all

over me... I think you should think about it before you say no. There's a

money to be made in catering. I went to school with a girl called Hester Gordon.

She now makes 50k a year selling filled rolls and sandwiches around shops and

offices. Well, at least talk to him about it. It could be he finally wants

give something to your marriage.

Well, excuse me if I don't get too excited.

The only other thing he ever gave to our marriage took me six months and, of

course, a penicillin to get rid of.

And it weren't no allergy.

All right, babe?

Got a light?

What do you look like?

I'm a man of property now, aren't I?

I got this off Ronnie the Piles.

He'd swap his granny for a roll of soft toilet paper.

I can see you're really cut up about Costas, your mercenary little git.

I was quite upset, actually.

But I just can't help being chuffed about the cash.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm out in front.

Like I'm somebody.

It's going to make a big difference to the way I'm treated.

Do you reckon the other cons will ask now before they spit in your teeth?

I'm talking about when I get out, amongst me own.

Mind you, that's only fair.

Back in Cyprus, we was the most important family in our village.

Only because you owned a goat.

Stop being such a pain shell.

Look, this cap is going to be good news for the both of us.

I haven't said I work there yet.

Don't be a melon, it's a good little job.

I've got a good little job. Get out of it, you never had a good little job.

You've done every poxy job there is except work down a sewer.

You carry on like that and I'll stuff that cigar right where Ronnie's got his

piles.

So what is this good little job then, eh?

Cleaning. Oh, struggle, John.

It's a show -up having a wife who scrubs floors for a living.

Just like it's a show -up for you having a husband in the nick.

And don't tell me you don't lie and tell some people I'm working in Saudi.

No, not at all. I tell them the truth.

I do lie about what you're in here for, though.

I tell them you was nicked for sleeping with farm animals.

You are joking.

Never know till you get out, will you?

But if you suddenly find you've got the nickname Old MacDonald, you know why.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Scratching me back. I've got an allergy.

Allergy? Yes, allergy.

It means you're allergic to something, like you and work.

Just give me eight years to get rid of it. Yeah.

It's probably something you're caught scrubbing bogs or whatever it is you

clean.

Look, why don't you give the job up and go and work down the cave?

Because I know you and I don't trust you.

You'll have me slaving in there for peanuts.

Of course I won't.

Why do you want me working there then?

Because the place can be a little goldmine. You know it can.

But?

Look, Costas let the place go a little, right? And the profits went down.

Then the locals started complaining about drunks coming out in the small

hollering and shouting. And the old bill threatened to take away the booze

license. So the family have had enough.

They just want to sell it.

Oh, and you want Muggins to go in to build the business up and keep the

in line.

Yeah.

But I meant what I said in my letter.

About, you know, it being a new start for us.

Shannon, look.

Having a business will bind us together.

I don't want to be bound up with you.

Well, it won't be like before. I'll be different when I get out.

Wiser. We can really make a go at this, Kev.

Look.

We can have some of the good life that Tracy and Darren have had all these

years. Everything she's got, I'll get you better.

Look, if Big Ed buys her an elephant, I'll get you the box to put it in.

I can't trust you.

You give me nothing but promises and dreams. I've heard them all before,

Look, the difference is I'm dreaming for the two of us this time.

Don't make me puke.

I'm going to get you to help me.

Yeah, for business.

Oh, you will if you're serious about us two being together.

All right.

Fair enough.

I want my name on a proper legal contract.

Not something written in invisible ink on the back of an envelope by your

solicitors. Shifty, shifty and damn right crooked.

OK.

Oh, me legs started and all the mail.

Scratch it with your foot, will you? What about?

On me calf.

On there?

Uh -huh.

Oh. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, it's lovely.

You can stop now. Do I have to? Yes, you do.

Look, this arrangement is strictly business.

Well,

it's hardly a taverna nestling amongst olive groves.

You know, it's little to Chris's Greek heritage.

Chris knows so much about his Greek heritage.

As far as he's concerned, the wooden horse is anything he backs that doesn't

wean.

Are you sure they're buried, Costas?

It's a bit of an earring, couldn't it? Cheers.

Does it have a ladies' room, or do I look for a bucket marked hers?

There.

In case there ain't no paper.

That won't be necessary. Thank you, Sharon.

I really want this place to work, you know, Trace.

This is my big chance.

Up to now, I've had nothing, have I?

You could put everything I own into two suitcases.

That's if I own two suitcases.

I can do it, can't I, Trace?

Of course you can.

It's just that I've never run a business before.

Well, Daryl used to say, to be a successful businessman, you needed to be

-minded, determined, and never forget you're in charge.

You're the chief now, not one of the Indians.

You can do anything when you put your mind to it.

Remember when I ate ten Mars bars in 15 minutes?

They said that couldn't be done, didn't they? Yeah.

There you go.

The chief.

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

You'll be one of me Indians, won't you, Trace? Aye.

Help me out in the cafe.

Yeah, of course.

Thanks, Trace.

Oh, I'm sorry. Have I interrupted a touching family moment?

No. Trace has agreed to help me out in the cafe.

Well?

Aren't you going to ask me?

You?

Your idea of work is licking your own stamp.

I can roll up my sleeves with the best of them when I need money, and I

desperately need my own money.

The recession is starting to bite. Marcus is checking on everything I buy.

He's now threatened to cut off my allowance.

Now, if I have to cancel my tennis lessons with Raoul, I will die.

So, I thought we could take a leaf out of Hester Gordon's book.

You supply the sandwiches, I'll sell them round the local offices, and we'll

split the profits.

Anything Hester can do, Dorian can do better, as my gym master used to say.

Well, it could be fun. What do you think?

I reckon it'll go down a storm door.

Tracey makes a great sandwich, don't you?

Oh, how comes I'm lumbered? We're making the sandwiches.

We'll be busy in here.

You said you'd help.

Oh, go on, Tracey.

Oh, all right.

We're going to be rolling in it. I can feel it.

Let's have a drink to celebrate, eh? Right.

I shall find some clean glasses.

All right, just the one because I'm dry, then.

I'll tell you what, girls.

Having my name on those deeds means I'll finally be able to keep rat -faced in

order when he comes out.

If he plays away from home just once, I'll divorce him and take him for

everything.

I'll have him right there.

What a disgusting thought.

I thought that you'd like it if he came out and behaved himself.

I thought we said you was happiest when you was raring.

Rubbish. It's true.

All right, what's the first thing you look for in a bloke?

Depends on whether he's walking towards me or away from me. You've never had a

bloke that's nice and dependable? You mean boring?

My Daryl's nice and dependable. He's not boring.

He is not?

Nah, of course he ain't, Trace. Come on, let's have another drink. I can't. I

told you I'm driving.

I don't think you should drink any more on top of them pills.

It's all right.

This Greek stuff ain't proper brandy, is it?

To me, a Marquess.

Trace!

Trace, I've gone blind! I can't see nothing!

Open your eyes.

Oh, I feel terrible.

I only had two drinks.

The antihistamines. I've told you not to drink on top of them.

Oh, I think she's going to cry.

No, she only does that when she's been on the gin.

Angry frenzy.

Oh, come on, let's get her into the car.

Look,

you'll have to get in the back of her door. Oh, you're joking. She's liable to

throw up any minute. No, she only does that when she's been on the vodka.

Angry frenzy.

Look, you drive, I'll get in the back with us.

come on help me i'm sorry what do you mean you're sorry

we need.

No problem, officer. She's just had one too many.

You've just come out of that cat, have you?

No, no.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time someone's come out of there paralytic.

Right, I think you'd better get her in the car.

That's the problem. She says it's full of lobsters.

Big horrible one.

Best ways to humour them when they're in that state.

This is 141.

Sarge, get us a van down here. I've got a drunken disorderly to be picked up.

Oh, and could you get somebody to bring along a spare helmet?

You're supposed

to

be flogging sandwiches, not putting yourself on offer.

Selling is 90 % presentation.

And that's about 90 % of your frockies you're presenting me.

Just a little point -of -sale enticement.

Sharon not back from court yet?

No. I was looking at this crab and lemon grass you've bought. It's going to look

a bit insipid in a sandwich.

Shall I bung some daddy sauce on it?

No. I have very carefully selected my fillings to ensure that I capture the

right calibre of customer.

Cheese and chutney brigade, I'll leave to British Rail.

Well, come on in. Let's get down the cab. It's the grand opening.

Hang about. How did you get on the call?

30 quid fine and a bill for a new helmet.

It's nothing to a woman of means.

I learned that within ten minutes of opening.

You're supposed to be full of remorse. Mum will be spinning in her grave.

Joyce, I got done for drunk and disorderly, not soliciting.

It's like Dorian's going for that particular child.

Come on.

Trying to get the meat to stick on this kebab machine.

You dozy article.

They come already on the skewers from the suppliers.

Well, I didn't know.

Do you have any customers?

Nearly. Bloke looked in.

And? He looked out again.

Well, I found out where Costas' football team was affected to.

They're in the middle of a major booze -up at Tony T -Bone's kebab and grill

room. You sure it's Costas' team?

Yeah, I reckon I have the minibus outside.

It's got Christia Doppelhoff. This is a tosspot scratched on the back door.

He came on as a sub for them during a cup game. Scored three home goals.

Well, Dorian must be doing better than us. She's been gone for hours.

Yeah, knowing her, she's on the nest somewhere.

So, how much exactly have we made today, then?

£1 .20.

We must have made more than that.

He's had at least three coffees.

We'll let him have the last one for nothing.

I felt sorry for him. He was cold.

Good. Turn the eating off. Keep him cold.

The colder he is, the more coffees he'll drink.

Look, this is business, Trace. You've got to remember that.

Especially when you're serving the customers.

Try to be a bit more welcoming.

What are you talking about?

Apart from Rip Van Winkle in the corner there, there's been no customers to

welcome. There's the fat bloke. He wanted change for the meter.

Friendlier?

Look, I'll show you. You be him and I'll be you.

What? You be the customer.

Oh, here we go.

Excuse me, love. We've got change of a tenner for the meter.

Certainly, sir.

See the game at the weekend?

I can't talk about sport.

I don't know the difference between a tennis bat and a cricket racket.

Just any small talk.

There you are, sir.

Anything else you fancy?

I am not doing that.

I look like a tart.

Of course you won't.

Talk of the devil.

How's business?

It's a sleep in the corner.

Well, you've obviously been more successful.

You only usually smile like that when you've been with a bloke.

Oh.

sandwiches before you fell down on the job?

One.

Well, Stephen was my first customer.

He's senior partner in the firm of solicitors down the road. You see, he

for a pawpaw and salami bath.

I said, would he prefer a roll?

Well, one thing led to another and we ended up in the flat he keeps above his

offices for when he works late.

I think he's going to be working late for quite a few nights in the near

We can bung those sandwiches in the freezer. Take them out again tomorrow.

No, I don't think so.

Lugging a heavy basket of comestibles isn't really me.

If Hester Gordon does this for 52 weeks of the year, she must have developed

arms like Fatima Whitbread.

Which is no great misfortune. She already has her moustache.

What about Raoul?

Tracy, you know my rule. I'm only ever unsafe with one man at a time.

You'll have to take him out then, Trace. Why? Why can't you do it?

Because I've got to concentrate on getting the football team back in here.

I'll have karaoke nights, yards of ouzo contests, happy hours, happy fortnights

if I have to.

But by the end of the week, they'll be back.

Pack it then, prawn cocktail crisps, Trice.

Take it easy, Andy.

Don't want you straining anything. We've got a big game on Sunday.

Cheers.

Keep the change.

Sir.

What, Sharon?

How's that husband of yours?

Same as ever.

Still a prat, then.

I'll keep meaning to go and see him.

There's always that more interesting to do, isn't there?

Like just scaling the kettle.

Yeah, that's about it.

Still. Tell old MacDonald I said hello next time you see him.

It's great to have the football team back, isn't it, Trace?

It's a quarter to three in the morning. When are we going to close?

Another ten minutes.

You keep saying that. You kept saying that last night when he was gone for,

before we turned him out.

It couldn't be good and proper, didn't you?

You never told me helping you out was going to be this much hard work.

I've got to stay open late to earn the extra money to buy them the track suits

promised them.

I had to offer them a few sweeteners or they'd want to come back.

A few?

What else have you offered them?

Nothing much.

Another packet of prawn cocktail, please, Trace.

Cheers.

Is prawn cocktail crisps and half popular?

Yes.

It wouldn't hurt you to give me a hand, lady, do I?

I can't. I'm busy.

I'm front of house. I've got to meet and greet the customers while I do all the

work.

First you try and turn me into a tart, then you try and turn me into a skivvy.

Well, I've had enough. You're using me.

I wouldn't do that, Trace.

I know you've been working hard.

I was going to suggest you have tomorrow off.

Right, I will.

Spend the day in bed.

I'll keep you company.

I'm fed up, not hard up.

Well, I'm off. Here, Cheryl.

I brought the kit over.

We need it the day after tomorrow, OK? No problem.

Keep the noise down when you get outside, will you? No worries.

What is this?

Another sweetener. I said I'd wash an eye on their kit for them.

Well, how are you going to do that for the day after tomorrow?

You're going to be busy in here.

Yeah.

Ew, you've got tomorrow off, haven't you?

I'm a serious cat.

Oh, I forgot to say, give those jock straps good scrubbing, would you?

Where's Trace? I wanted another packet of prawn cocktail.

She's out the back. I'll get them for you. No, no, it's all right. I think

leave it.

You ain't going home?

Watch me.

Trace? You can do your own washing up.

You walk out of here now and you kiss your job goodbye.

Look, Trace, I can't cope with serving this lot on my own. Tough.

Get out of my way.

No.

I mean it.

What are you going to do about it?

I'm going to give you a Chinese burn.

You know how much you hate them.

You can't push me around like when we were kids, you know.

Shall we? Any chance of some more drinks? Yeah, hang on.

Hi.

You really are a selfish cow.

Oh, yes.

You disturbed the neighbours.

How am I selfish for leaving me in the lurch?

Whatever happened to family loyalty, eh? It disappeared about midnight when I

had to unblock the gents.

I mean, I don't mind mucking in, but I really do draw the line at mucking out.

That's always been your trouble.

Frightened of a bit of hard work.

A bit?

I have been slaving in there since eight o 'clock this morning. That makes... a

bloody long stretch!

Now, I am going home.

I know what all this is about.

You're jealous.

Of what?

Of me having the calf.

You've had so many years of being the one that's had everything, you can't

to think of me doing well for a change.

How can you say that?

You made me say it.

Hey, Sharon, are you going to get us these drinks or what?

Shh, get back inside, will you? I'll be back in a minute.

Well, at least send Trace back in for some more prawn cocktail crisps.

What are they talking about?

I know.

Get back inside, will you? Get me shut down.

Oh, look at that.

You did that on purpose.

Did what?

Now what are you talking about?

Please, Trace.

Now look what you've done.

I can't.

I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't.

You be quiet down there.

It was an accident.

Hurry up, Trace.

Mind your own business, you nosy git.

Shut up, big man.

Right, I'm going to call the police.

I wasn't talking to you.

Yeah, that'll teach you, you silly old sod.

Oh.

No, I do understand.

Yes, OK.

What's she doing on my phone?

Why aren't you at the cafe?

I've had the old bill round.

Because of last night's row, they're definitely going to oppose my drinks

licence when it comes up for renewal.

So she's on the phone to Steve and the solicitor she solicited to sort them

You cheeky boy.

Stick to the point, Dorian.

Well, without a drinks licence, that football team will be straight back down

Tony T -bones, new tracksuits or not.

No worries.

Steve will get on top of things.

He's good at that, apparently.

See that?

Yesterday's takings.

Sleep with it, did you?

Right under my pillar.

I bet you're sorry you walked out on me now, aren't you, Trace?

Never. You took advantage of me.

Be single -minded, determined, and remember who's in charge.

Your Daryl's advice, Trace. Yeah, well, it's gone to your head. It's making you

just like Dorian.

Selfish. And everything's money, money, money.

Look after number one. Life ain't a charity.

You're even beginning to sound like her. I preferred it when you were the

cleaner. No, you're wrong, Trace.

This calf's been the making of me.

Have you noticed how I stopped scratching as soon as I took it over?

I reckon I was allergic to being an employee.

Well, what did he say?

Well, there's good news, bad news and good news.

Two to one, good odds. The first piece of good news is there could be a way to

retain your licence.

You paint yourself to be a picture of sobriety in front of the magistrate.

out that the majority of these disturbances happened before you took

promise that as the tough new broom, you will put a stop to all future rowdy

behaviour.

That's it?

Brilliant. I'll make Mother Teresa look like Edna, the inebriate woman. Well, it

was at this point that I pointed out to Stephen you had just been convicted of

being drunk and disorderly outside the cafe in question.

Did he think that would have a bearing?

Well, that was the bad news.

He said to forget it.

What's the other good news?

He needs a cleaner.