All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s03e05 Confidence

It's only me, Trace.

Oh, cheers, mate.

You wouldn't rub my feet for me, would
you?

No, I wouldn't.

I tell you, this is the worst job I've
ever had.

That shop's been packed all day, and
that dirty old baker keeps trying to pin

up against the oven.

Cheek, you're only the temporary relief.

That's what he's after.

Well, you don't have to put up with
that. You talk to the agency in terms of

getting you another job. They haven't
got any.

So I'm stuck with Mr Crumpy and his iced
fingers.

What are you reading?

It's a newsletter.

You know, from that Siobhan who runs the
Prisoners' Dependence Group.

New governor wants banging.

What's he asking for, volunteers?

It's big hanging, not banging. The new
governor supports hanging.

Well, it looks like banging.

What? How does she do these things
handwritten?

By the time they're photocopied, you
can't make head nor tail of them.

What's for dinner then, Trace?

Leftovers.

Leftovers from when?

There was nothing left of that casserole
we had last night. I licked the dish

out.

Well, it saves getting a cat, doesn't
it?

I'm warming up some stuff I found in the
back of the freezer.

What is it? I don't know. The label's
come off.

Trace? I'm economising. We're skint,
aren't we?

Yeah, and why's that?

Because you haven't got yourself a job.
Oh, don't start all that.

Well, you've got to put yourself out a
bit, you know.

Jobcentre don't make house calls.

What about that office job advertised in
the paper? Did you ring up for that?

Well, I looked for it, but I couldn't
see it in there.

What are you talking about?

I've put a big red ring round it.

It's more obvious than Bruce Forsyth's
syrup.

Look, there's no point in me going for
jobs like that.

They'll want some 17 -year -old with
hair down her back and a skirt up her

jacksie.

Mature applicant preferred, it said.

I'm only 33.

Well, they'll accept that as mature.

They don't know you still sleep with Mr
Snuggles.

Look, we can't live on just what I earn.

Eating unidentified frozen objects.

Always dodging the milkman.

Never being able to afford a night out
on a razzle.

That's all you're worried about, isn't
it? Getting Brahms up some wine bar.

It ain't a crime to want a social life,
you know.

Oh, what a mind, but you wouldn't have
to do a poxy job like mine.

You can type. You went to school, you
got an education.

So did you.

Learning how to make make -up from
Woolworths don't count.

Sorry to barge in, but I was wondering
if a number of psychology textbooks had

arrived here by mistake.

No. Only I was expecting them, you see.

Don't you dare ask her why. I'm not
going to.

Oh, don't be so heartless. Ask me why.

So, if you've got something to say, come
out with it.

I have just been accepted by the Open
University to do a degree in psychology.

Well, it is quite exciting, you know.

In a few years' time, my hobby could
become my profession.

Well, that'd be handy.

Tracy can have the job as your pimp.

All right.

Ah, what's that?

I'm depressed.

Don't worry.

It's probably down to being stuck in
prison.

Do you reckon? And there was me blaming
it on the E number.

Are you coming to the Interwind football
tomorrow?

I've had a fiver on Seawing.

Seawing? They haven't got hope?

No, no. Apparently, they've got a good
new centre -half.

Oh, yeah?

Tony Adams been nicked again, has he?

Well, nothing in Tracy's letter to cheer
you up.

No. They're skint. That's all she's
doing is moaning.

I wish money was my only problem.

Now, does Tracy ever talk about that
trollop with us next door?

Doreen, innit?

Yeah, she mentions her. My shower's
always talking about her.

You ever seen her?

Yeah, when I had that jaunt after my
appendix op.

What's she like?

Bit of a salt.

Not a bad boat. Tight body, but not a
lot up here.

That's never bothered me much.

Any more than a handful's a waste.

Here.

Would you?

Out of push.

Would I?

It's the only bird you wouldn't.

So, what are you going to do then?

About what?

About Tracy being skint.

You ought to tell her to get a job.

It'd be the best thing for her.

You spoil her, you know.

David, too many years are like Dolce
Vita.

I never let my shaman get like that.
Always kept her in harness.

I'll say.

She was in a wheelchair. You tied Jake
off to the wheel so she could go out

cleaning.

Now, I never liked the idea of my Tracy
working.

Especially not now.

It'll expose her to too many geezers all
too willing to take advantage of a

woman on her own.

If she's going to go off with another
bloke, she'll go.

It'll make no difference whether or not
she's got a job.

Why? Well, it won't.

I mean, the only way you're going to
stop her from seeing other blokes is if

stick her in a convent.

She's at home all day. She'd be in
danger from double glazing, salesman.

Hey, one could call round during the day
and catch her in her dressing gown.

Smarmy's waiting for a coffee.

Then, as she's leading him into the
kitchen, her dressing gown gets caught

the handle of the door and it falls
away, revealing they're all tackled up.

Dishnets? Black sussies? One of them
peephole bras?

All right, all right.

Sorry.

That's just one of my fantasies.

Not with you, Tracy. No, with that bird
from the gold blend, Dad.

Oh, yeah.

Me and all.

Oh, excuse me.

I was up early this morning.

Wanted to get home before your husband
woke up.

Have a cake, doll.

Oh. Are these from your bakers?

Certainly not.

I wouldn't eat anything that pervert
made.

I know what he uses to poke the holes in
the doughnuts.

Doesn't that advert sound like the
perfect job for Tracy?

Receptionist stroke typist, 11k a year,
would suit married woman returning to

the job market.

Yeah, it sounds great.

But I've shown her half a dozen like
these. She's kicked them all back.

I don't know what's the matter with her.

I wonder if she's suffering from a
psychological trauma.

Oh, stop it.

Ever since you've been doing this
psychology lot, you've been looking for

meanings in everything.

Look, Doc, if I... I don't like bananas.
It's because I'm fussy.

It's got nothing to do with catching me
there playing with this submarine in the

bath. So you can remember exactly how
old you were.

Stop it, will ya?

Did I tell you I got a B double plus for
my first essay on Freud's The Ego and

The Id?

I never read that one. I thought I'd
wait for the film.

I'm finding it very mentally
stimulating.

It is an extremely demanding subject.

My tutor is amazed at how quickly I've
grasped it.

Well, he don't know you as well as we
do.

Very few are capable of embracing its
complexities.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's a
load of old earwax.

All you need to be a psychologist is a
leather catch and enough cheat to charge

someone 50 quid for an hour's chat. A
classic response from one who finds the

subject beyond their understanding.

Oh, yeah.

might have been voted girl least likely
to learn to read at school, but I've got

your psychology sussed out.

You think so?

I know so.

You're not doing this open university
degree for mental stimulation.

You're doing it for the same reason you
slept with half the men in the phone

book.

You are trying to fill a void in your
empty existence.

Not wrong, am I?

you're not just the old tart that
everyone thinks of.

What you're doing is searching for a
fully satisfying relationship with a

I mean, your husband loves you, but he
can't keep you happy physically.

Your lovers keep you happy physically,
but they don't love you.

No, my guess is it started in your
childhood.

I mean, you always talk about your mum,
but you never mention your dad, do you?

Bit of a cold fish, was he?

Never give you much affection.

He used to sign my birthday cards.

Regards, A .R. Friedman, brackets,
mister.

Oh, God, Sharon, I must be so
transparent.

Am I that easy to read?

No.

But your diary is.

How dare you?

It was an accident.

I was looking in your own bag for your
sweet eggs and saw a...

It's all.

I love that story about you waking up
after that wild and passionate night to

find the bloke who'd written two out of
ten on your bum.

Sharon, are you ready yet? We'll be late
for visiting.

What's going on?

She has read my diary.

Sharon.

Don't you laugh.

Well, I don't think it's funny.

Don't get yourself in a state. I said I
was sorry.

When? I didn't hear you.

All right, darling. I'm very sorry I
read your diary.

You can read mine if you like, then
we'll be even. Oh, hardly.

Your daily routine is no secret.

Got up, ate, went back to bed.

What you have done is unforgivable. It
really is.

Right, I said I'm sorry. What else can I
do? Nothing. Just don't talk to me.

Here, Tracy.

I brought you this.

Why are you giving me the Jewish
Chronicle?

There's a job advertised in it.

I can't do ritual circumcisions.

Not that one. The one underneath for the
receptionist.

Oh, yeah.

What did I tell you? Not interested.

I thought I asked you not to speak to
me.

What's the problem? Why didn't you go
for that job?

Oh, don't you start, Dora. I'll get
enough from her.

Well, you must like to hear me moaning,
otherwise you'd get a job to shut me up.

Look, do me a favour and don't talk to
me either.

Look, whatever is troubling you, it's
best to talk about it. You'll have to

sometime. The problem won't just go
away.

Well, it sounds stupid, but it's because
I've never been out and done a proper

job in me life.

You can't count that bit of typing I did
when I left school.

I was only there five minutes before
Daryl got me pregnant.

I've got no confidence.

If I try and go out and do a job after
all these years, I'm going to mess it

Make a total idiot of myself.

Don't be daft, Trace. You're right.

It is a matter of confidence. Now, if
you could just be more positive.

But I can't.

Every time I think about it, I get a
knot in my stomach and I start to sweat.

Well, what are you going to do?

I'll talk to Daryl.

What's the point?

I mean, what can he do?

It's up to you, Trace. You've got to
pull your fingers.

Shut up!

Aye, aye. Put them tongues away.

Carol! Carol!

Calm down.

You should know by now what a pratty is.

Yeah.

Why are you so wound up?

This place.

I know.

I heard from Garthy.

That public school really seems to be
rubbing off on him. He said he played

rugger the other day and this boy got a
boot right in his testicles.

He wouldn't have been calling them that
if he'd gone to the comprehensive.

He can be anything he wants with a
public school education, solicitor,

accountant.

Then he can rob people legal.

He won't have to end up in this stinking
rat hole.

School fees are going up again.

Oh, tell you, Trace, I don't think I can
stand it in here much longer.

The only time I get out of my cell
nowadays is to slop out.

I've got a problem I need to talk to you
about. It comes to summit when the

highlight of your day is flushing out
your car thing.

Like I said in my letter, Daryl, money's
getting really tight.

I don't know what to do. There's not
even anything to laugh at in neighbours

since Des and his ears left.

Daryl, will you listen to me? No, Tracy,
I won't. Because you're always moaning.

They're supposed to come in here to
cheer me up.

I'll tell you what to do with your skin.
Get yourself a job.

But you never wanted me to work.

Well, I do now.

If it'll stop your moaning.

But I can't get a job. Can't? What do
you mean, can't? You're being pathetic.

You think you've got problems.

You'll try being in here, love.

Yeah? And you want to try being outside
on your own. If I'm pathetic, it's down

to you. You shouldn't have stopped me
going to work when I wanted to all them

years ago.

You made me depend on you for
everything.

Told me not to worry because you'd
always be there to look after me. Well,

bloody good job you made of that,
getting yourself banged up for 12 years.

You're out of order, Tracey. And so are
you.

What are you looking at?

Every time I visit Chris, it just
reminds me of what Aunt Sylvia always

What? You don't have to be a bigamist to
have a husband too many.

I never knew Daryl could be such a pain.

They're so full of their own problems,
they can't give a toss about ours.

Who's that, Trace? I know her from
somewhere.

How are you? This is Siobhan. She runs a
prisoner's dependence group.

Hello, Trace. How are you?

All right. Do you remember Sharon?

Yeah, we met before.

That's right, it was on my last visit.

Can't be, that was ages ago.

Too true.

It'll be a bloody long time before I
come again.

Bad visit.

I don't know, never had a good one.

So how's life up Chigwell Castle?

OK. I don't know how you can afford to
keep that place going.

Still, good luck to you. I was just
unlucky enough to marry the sort of

who'd go into turnover of bookmakers,
come out 50 quid down...

Got your newsletter the other week. Oh,
where was it? Could you read it all

right? Yeah.

Honestly, Trace. Tell Fergie she had
good dressing.

It was poxy, Siobhan.

We could hardly make it out. Sharon. No,
no, she's right.

But I've got to do it by hand since my
typewriter broke.

Tracey's got a word processor that's
gathering dust.

She could do the typing for you.

Let's go off his computer.

No, he don't use it.

It's a five -minute wonder. No kids
alive.

Well, I wouldn't want to put you to any
trouble.

No, no trouble.

You haven't got nothing else to do, have
you, Trace?

Oh, would you, Trace? I'd be ever so
grateful. I'm really snowed under.

Yeah, all right. Oh, thanks.

What, will you give me a ring, then?
Yeah, I'll make sure she doesn't forget.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Well, look, I'd better get on.

Um, thanks a lot, Trace. Bye. See you,
Siobhan.

How are you?

Do you enjoy embarrassing me?

Sorry, Trace. Did you hear that?

It's the prison, so it always gives me
wind.

Are you joking?

You know what I'm talking about.

Telling her I'd work for her. Didn't you
listen to what I said earlier?

Yes, Chase.

That's why I did it.

I thought if you did a bit of voluntary
work for her, it'd give you a bit of

confidence. Well, you was wrong. I'm
just going to make a complete idiot of

myself.

I'd change early.

Money, mind you're going to slip on our
Tony's skateboard.

Oh, talk of the devil.

Tony, if you wake that baby up, I'm
going to give you a good idea. Now turn

television down.

Do you know, he's worse than a pit bull
terrier.

There's a lot to do, isn't there?

It's years since I did any proper
typing.

Look, if I make a balls up, Siobhan,
you'll let me know, won't you?

Trey, she just made the balls up.

I'm sorry.

Don't worry, they weren't in any order.

Do you know, I ought to get myself an in
tray and an out tray.

So you'd only be able to sort it all
out, wouldn't you?

If I have to come down there to you, my
lad, I'm going to give you... Look,

there's checks here that you haven't
paid in. Oh, I haven't, have I? Yeah,

Look, and there's bills that haven't
been paid. Oh, no.

Just a minute. I'll be here.

Tony!

Tony, you're supposed to be drawing in
your book, not on your sister's face.

And what's that cat list you're trying
to do down there?

What, put it back?

Now, go and wash your hands. Go on. And
turn that television off.

Oh, jeez.

Have you seen this letter from Mrs
Carter?

Um, no, I don't think I've got to that
one yet.

Like I said, it's all been getting on
top of me. Well, her husband's inside,

she reckons she's got evidence that he's
innocent.

Oh, no.

The China cabinet.

Oh,

no, he's started her off. Look, can you
just make a start here while I go and

sort him out?

Well, I could sort out some of the bills
that need paying. Oh, that'd be great,

thanks.

Right, Tony, that's your lot.

I'm sending you to Dr Bernardo's.

Shocking. That poor Mrs Carter.

It's bad enough having your husband
inside if he's guilty, but if he's

innocent... Does it really matter,
Tracy?

By his own wife's admission, Carter's an
habitual criminal.

So even if he's innocent of this crime,
I bet there are dozens of others he's

got away with.

That's not the point.

I mean, you've had dozens of affairs,
but you wouldn't think it was fair if

Marcus accused you of having it off with
someone you hadn't.

That's assuming he could find someone
you hadn't.

Tracy! Where?

What's your choice?

What's this?

Fresh strawberry pavlova.

The pizza thing for reading your diary.

Friends again?

Ain't from my bakers, are you?

Oh, very well.

Well, come on, get it open then. I've
been dreaming about getting my teeth

that all the way home.

What are you doing, Chase?

Oh, Siobhan stuff.

I couldn't work round there. It was like
a mad hour.

Honestly, she was in a right state.

Letters unopened, nothing filed.

It took me ages to sort it all out.

Look, if you want a coffee, Cheryl,
you'll have to do your own. Me and

are writing a letter to a solicitor she
knows about this bloke Carter whose wife

reckons he's been fitted up.

Right.

Who are you and what have you done with
my sister?

When I left the house this morning, you
couldn't address an envelope without

breaking out in a cold sweat.

I've only sorted out a few bills and
that, that's all.

And someone had to help Mrs Carter.

I felt so sorry for her.

Oh, excuse me. I've got to go.

Dor, don't let her touch nothing.

Come on, her bundle, isn't she?

Her confidence is beginning to build.

Yeah, thanks to me kicking her off her
jacksie and getting her to go around

Chevron.

You were lucky. You threw her in the
deep end and she swam. She could have

drowned.

What are you doing, Dor?

I'm just making some notes.

You see, I have worked out that Tracy is
suffering from low self -esteem

syndrome.

Now, I'm going to ask her if I can write
her up as a case history for my degree

to be a testament to her achievements.

She won't want all and sundry reading
about her problems.

If there's one thing our family's got,
it's pride.

I'll give you £25 to convince her to say
yes.

£50. Done.

Right.

Where's your Jewish chronicle with a job
advertised in it?

If Tracy can do all this work for
Siobhan and let her write into

can get herself a little job.

No, you must be careful not to push her
too quickly. Low self -esteem suffers

have to be brought along slowly.

Listen to this.

The subject should be treated with kid
gloves, not placed under any undue

pressure, and whenever possible, made to
stand with their hands behind their

backs.

That's not for self -esteem. That's for
self -abuse.

Well, the principle's the same.

You must be tactful.

So, I'm going to stop acting like a
silly tart and try to get myself a job.

All it took to sort this lot out was a
bit of common sense.

And what do you think you need to become
a receptionist strength typist?

Degree in astrophysics?

You don't have to if you don't feel
ready yet.

Look, all you've got to do is think
positive.

And remember at the interview to keep
your hands behind your back.

Really?

Stop trying to talk posh, Tracey.

I'm not.

Oh. When the lift attendant said it was
a nice day, you went, it is, isn't it?

Get off my back, will you? I'm nervous
enough as it is.

Can I help you?

I'm Tracy Stubbs. I've come for the job
interview.

If you'd each like to fill in one of
these forms.

Don't wait for your name to be called.

No, I don't want one.

She don't look like she's got much grey
matter.

Ain't what's between her ears what gets
her work, Tracy.

Look at that lot. They're kids.

I feel like Barbara Cartland.

That's a bit of confidence, will ya?

It means they ain't had a lot of
experience.

Probably the most responsible position
they've ever held is milk monitor.

I'm starting to sweat.

You're all right. Go in plastic seats.

Come on, fill your phone in.

Right.

Qualification?

None.

What about your 7 .0 levels?

What 7 .0 levels?

Any 7 you like, make them up.

I'm not telling lies.

Now, where was I?

Qualifications?

None.

Previous job experience?

None.

Number of years of experience on Wang
Word processing system?

None.

Hobbies? None.

Look, why don't you undo a few buttons
and flash a bit of cleavage, eh?

I don't understand this. What does this
mean? Look, S -H -W -P -M.

Shwoopem.

Bloody.

Excuse me, what does shwoopem mean?

It stands for shorthand words per
minute.

Don't know notes of them, Trace. Just
put down how many you can do.

None.

Typing speed.

All that you can, Philly. What's fast?

100 words per minute. What can you do?

About 17.

But this is stupid.

I was right all along. I'm unemployable.

Oh, don't give up, Tracey. I'll see you
at army. Tracey!

Has your friend left?

Yeah. Yeah, you frightened her off.

She said she couldn't work here because
she could never match your example.

She thought you were so intelligent and
efficient.

You're joking.

Of course I am, love.

Where you been, Trace? I've been worried
sick about you. I went shopping to

cheer myself up.

Did you get anything?

Only a blaze that I realised on the way
home wouldn't go with anything I got.

Can't even shop properly.

I made a right fool of myself up that
firm.

It was my fault, Trace.

Dorian said I shouldn't push you too
hard.

Tell me the truth, shall.

Do you think I'm stupid?

No.

Well, Mum and Dad always thought I was.

Whenever I came home from school and
showed them my report, they'd just shake

their heads and say, never mind, you've
still got your looks.

You were lucky. Whenever I showed them
my report, they'd just shook their

Yeah, but they knew you weren't thick.
They knew you played truant.

Daryl's the same.

Always treating me like an airhead.

Picking me up on everything I say.

He carries on like I'm a mental leopard.

You mean leper.

Sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, speaking.

Could you hold on one moment, please?

Guess who it is? That solicitor I wrote
to about the Carter case.

You're joking. What's he want?

I don't know.

I've just answered the phone, haven't I?

Hello? Sorry about that.

Yes. Yes.

What's he saying? What's he saying?

Could you hold on one second, please?

Will you get off? I can't hear nothing
with your big fat breath in me ear up.

Sorry about that.

That's great.

I really appreciate you ringing to tell
me.

Thanks.

Bye.

I don't believe it, Shell.

Well, come on.

He said he was very impressed with the
way I handled the Carter case, and he

says we've got strong grounds for
appeal, and he's only passing my letter

our MP and the Home Secretary.

What, the Home Secretary?

The one that's written image?

I can't believe it, Cheryl. I thought
he'd just thrown my letter straight in

bin. No, like the main stage, you
impressed him.

Here, Trace, the local paper might want
to interview you. You might be on the

six o 'clock news.

From now... on. I don't want to hear no
more crap about you being a waste of

space.

You, my girl, are about to change the
course of British justice.

Right.

I'm going to go and shave my airy bits.
What, shouldn't be airy?

We are going out on the ragdolls to
celebrate. No.

I am going back up that firm. I'm going
to do that interview and I'm going to

get that job.

You can't.

Why?

It's too late.

I got it.

You? How?

I told them I had loads of experience.

7 -0 levels.

And a shrapnel of 180!

But that's dishonest.

No trace.

That's confidence.