All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s03e04 Just Family

What'll I do when you...

This smudge is still here.

Of course it's still here. It's got life
in me.

Who's alive is in here, right?

All right, all right. Only making
conversation.

Look, what's wrong?

Wrong? There's nothing wrong.

I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be? You're
here.

I'm nice to go.

Yeah, but you're supposed to smoke it,
not grope it to bits.

Look, if you're all right, talk to me.
Tell me the news.

The news? What, from in here?

Oh, well.

Big Frank is just putting the finishing
touches to the budget.

He's expecting to put up income tax
again.

He never could leave other people's
income alone.

Oh, my boat's endearing. He's just
invaded Turkey.

But don't tell anyone.

He only let him out to get his eyes
tested.

What do you think the news is? Same as
last week. Sweet F .A.

Sarah, what is it? What's on your mind?

Nothing. I told you.

Come on.

You read me like a book, don't you?
Yeah.

So come on out with it.

Well, look, promise you won't take this
the wrong way. Take what the wrong way?

You're starting already.

Well, I haven't heard it yet.

I knew it, I knew it. Whatever it is, I
promise I won't take it the wrong way.

Cuss my heart.

Okay.

Do you mind meeting the next visit?

Oh, pardon me if I'm getting boring.

Once a fortnight too much, is it?

Sick of seeing me, are you?

Well, sorry to keep pestering you.

Tracy, you said you wouldn't take this
the wrong way. Who is it? Who's coming

my place?

Some bird I don't know about. Who is it,
eh? My mum and dad.

Them? But we haven't heard a dicky bird
out of them since you went down.

Not even a phone call to see if I was
all right.

Yeah, well, they took the trial badly.

Yeah, and I was over the moon, I
suppose. You know what I mean, Tracy?

It was different for them. It was
harder.

They're older, a different generation.

They was embarrassed in front of their
neighbours.

In front of their neighbours?

That's rich.

Them next door had two banged up and one
on the game, and him on the other side

had just done his wifey.

Anyway, I thought they weren't talking
to you.

They weren't, but then me mum suddenly
wrote out the blues.

Seems Dad had a bit of a flutter.

Oh, yeah.

I'm actually loose this time.

No, Tracy, a heart flutter.

Only a small one, mind.

Well, it has to be a small one.

He hasn't got a very big heart.

It was always the same.

Greedy grasping old thug.

We left our wedding presents around
their house and I was my first set of

before I could boil an egg in them.

I expect Dorian would say that they were
searching for material security on

account that nobody loves them. Well, of
course nobody loves them. They're

horrible.

Does Daryl love them?

No, he don't. He just thinks he should
because they're his parents.

There's been no kind of parents to me.
Two years and nothing.

Not a phone call, not a letter, not even
a postcard.

Well, they're not easy to find, Trace.
What?

Postcards of Canning Town.

They live in Poplar.

Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

No problems with postcards of Poplar.

Waterfront bistros, floodlit fountains,
nocturnal views of the buses. Oh, all

right, all right.

You're not taking me serious, are you?
Well, of course I'm not.

One visit, Trace. One visit is all he
wants with them.

They are his parents, after all. I don't
care who they are. They're nicking my

visit. Come on, he hasn't seen them in
two years.

There'll be things he wants to talk to
them about.

Like what?

The weather.

They don't have weather inside.

You know what I mean.

If Daryl wants to patch things up, he
should.

He's trying to wobbly ain't doing no
good.

I suppose not.

You should be helping, not getting in
the way.

Well, there's not a lot I can do, is
there?

Of course there is.

Put yourself out a bit. Make the first
move.

Hands across the water and all that.

Poplar's this side of the river.

Look, if Daryl's trying to forgive and
forget, so should you.

Go on, give him a ring. Invite him over.

Do what? Invite him round here?

No way. I can't afford to replace me
saucepans right now.

They ain't that bad, Chase.

I only met him at your wedding, but we
had a good laugh.

You mean you all got rat -arsed
together, upset my guests, broke half

glasses and got us banned from the
reception room?

Yeah, like I said, we had a good laugh.

Well, at least you can have a knees up
with him.

You should have in -laws like mine.

Sunday dinner at Chrissie's house was
your actual Greek tragedy.

Brothers and sisters sulking in corners.

Papa moaning with a migraine because his
beret was too tight.

And Mama sitting down the end of the
table, all dressed in black, glaring at

for daring to marry her son.

And me glaring back at her for daring to
give birth to him in the first place.

Yeah, I suppose they could be worse.

You'd better believe it.

Oh, we are.

Come on, phone them.

Trace, phone your indoors or else.

Or else what?

Or else I'll phone mine and invite them
over.

How about this?

Tendrons de veau en terrine.

Cook up that.

How are you going to cook it? You can't
even say it.

It looks great in the picture. It always
does.

I suppose we could just pass round some
pictures and order a takeaway pizza.

Come on, Tracey, we've got to give them
something nice. Why? Would they notice

the difference?

Out of order, Tracey.

You're either nice to people or you
ignore them.

You don't invite them over for dinner,
give them something horrible, then stand

in the kitchen giggling while they're in
there throwing up.

You aren't going out Friday night, are
you?

Well, we thought if the chip pan catches
light and the house burns down, we

might pop out for a minute or two.

Only I wondered if you found for the
girls' night in.

I could bring round a couple of videos
featuring several well -hung fellas and

certain amount of... It's not Friday,
girl. We've got company.

What? Better company than several well
-hung fellows.

No, but it's duty.

We've got Daryl's parents coming for
dinner. In -laws? My God, is this wise?

but I'm making a special effort. We've
got to bury the hatchet. Sharon's right.

Rubbish. Sharon's never right.

Look, can't you cancel? Have them round
another night? I can't. It's all

about... It's just we've got a bit of a
problem about what to give them. We're a

bit stuck.

In that case, since you've ruined my
plan...

I may as well give you the benefit of my
culinary expertise, my grasp of cordon

bleu. Yeah, we don't use an expert in
French.

So, Friday night will be girls' night in
in the kitchen. I will cook and help

you to present things correctly.

Dorian, you can't cook. Everyone knows
that. You threw your saucepans away when

they invented the microwave.

Every time you have a dinner party, you
chuck out enough aluminium containers to

buy a guide dog.

Well, that doesn't mean that I don't
remember how.

And you do want to impress Daryl's
parents, don't you?

Do I?

Anyway, I thought you were dead against
family and in -laws. Only mine.

So that's why the night's settled, then.

Oh, I really look forward to meeting
Daryl's parents.

I'm sure they're absolutely sweet.
Totally unspoiled. Very natural.

Dead common, you mean.

Tracy, now you know I'm not a snob. I
can get along with all kinds of people.

don't care which golf club they belong
to.

Sharon, could you please keep it down a
little?

What music?

No, the smell of garlic. It's horrendous
out there.

Wild life is dying up at a rate of
knots.

Earwigs are hurling themselves onto
thistles. And according to what you told

free clothes, you say? These are bulbs,
Sharon. Clothes are the little ones.

I can't breathe in here. You've probably
taken the enamel off the saucepans.

Sharon, you're getting in the way.

I wish you would just go and do whatever
it is you're best at.

What am I best at? Getting in the way?

All right, go and get in Tracy's way
instead, then.

Shut up!

You're brilliant, Trace.

Good Adorian to lend us their cutlery,
eh? Yeah, I just wish you hadn't lent us

so much.

I mean, where did it all go?

Why do you have to have three folks when
you've only got one man?

It's etiquette, isn't it?

What's that mean?

It means you've got two spare in case
you drop one.

You'd better not drop one.

I'm sorry I haven't let you talk me into
this.

Adorian cooking for us. I can't get over
it.

Let's just hope we get over the meal,
eh?

I mean, what are they going to think,
the next -door neighbour cooking and

everything? I suppose we could say she's
the au pair.

Tracy, nobody has a middle -aged Jewish
au pair.

Oh, God.

I'll get it. Here, what's their names? I
forgot.

Mr and Mrs Stubbs, you wally.

Oh, yeah, silly me.

Oh, there's an olive.

Pull yourself together, girl. This is
for Daryl, remember?

Be positive.

Think nice thoughts about him. Forget
they're a pair of tight -fisted old

Oh, Sharon, thanks.

He looks gorgeous.

I will, I will. And you haven't changed.

Oh, well, he won't buy me a new frock.

Come on through.

Oh, lovely.

Here.

You've got a garlic factory round here.

Eh? Oh, you can smell it miles away. I
don't know how you live with it.

Must get into all your clothes.

Here, shall I take your coat?

Oh.

Here we are.

I'll put it in the special diffumer we
had built.

Oh, would you, Sharon? Thanks.

I don't want the bus conductors making
cheap remarks.

You look gorgeous, Tracy.

Yes, well, we've done all that. Just
part yourself.

Good evening.

I'm Dorian.

Enjoy an aperitif.

Dinner will be served shortly.

Bloody hell, your au pair's knocking on
a bit of change.

Oh, are you sure he's all right?

He's going to want to sweat, eh?

Oh, he'll be all right when he gets his
breath back.

Garlic always does this to him.

Are we lifting the blankets tonight?

Yeah, Garlic does that to him and all.

It was a gorgeous meal, though, Tracy.
It really was. Wasn't it a gorgeous

Les?

Well, go on, tell them it was a gorgeous
meal.

I will, I will.

Mind you, the soup was funny.

Yeah, well, we only made it for a laugh.

Even though it took only two hours.

Yeah, well, it was worth it for a laugh,
eh?

More wine, anyone?

It was a gorgeous meal, Tracy.

Yeah, I've done all that. Go on, drink
up.

I love the bacon.

Jambon, Mr. Stubbs. We call it jambon au
dauphinois.

Well, they'll call bacon anything to
sell it.

Well, it was a gorgeous meal, Tracy.

And that's sweet.

Yeah, well, it's all down to Dorian,
really.

Oh, well, there's plenty more. Please
help yourselves.

Oh, no, I couldn't. Well,

you could wrap some up for us to take
home, if you like.

Oh, yeah, if you think it'll get eaten.

Oh, yeah, the cat will get a bundle on
that.

Go and make some coffee. Will anyone
want cream?

Sure, the cat will.

Sorry about this, doll. Look, if you
fancy creeping off, I'll understand,

honest. What?

And leave you at the mercy of people
like that? No, I volunteered for this

I'll see it through.

Never let it be said that I deserted a
friend in need.

Oh, thanks, doll. You've been a great
help. What are friends for?

than you were, wasn't you? Yeah. I mean,
I thought he was a goner. I thought

it's TV dinners for one from now on.

Shocking state, weren't you?

Shocking, shocking. There was a pain
right across here, all the way down

pain shooting up your back, and a right
pain in the neck, you know what I mean?

I'm beginning to, Liz, yeah.

Would anyone like brandy? I'll have a
double. Yeah.

Mind you, it's a damp... that gets to us
most. Make that treble, please.

I don't expect you notice it here with
your central heating, but prefabs are

noted for it.

Where we are, it seeps up from the
river. At seven o 'clock in the morning,

there's a low -lying mist right across
the kitchen floor.

It's usually cleared by midday.

Yes, but it only turns into
condensation.

See, out of the windows in the
afternoon, it looks as if it's rained on

inside. No.

Yeah, but it usually clears by the
morning.

Yes, but then it just runs down the
walls and comes up again with the mist

the morning.

Well, look on it as nature, Olive.

You never know, you might end up on a
survival special.

You're a very lucky young lady, Tracy.

I mean, our Daryl's done all right for
you, hasn't he?

You haven't had to suffer here at all,
have you?

Not until recently, no.

Hello?

Hello?

Got a weirdo here.

Could you breathe a bit louder, please?

I'm a bit hard of hearing.

What?

Some perv in a phone box with sexual
asthma.

Think I'll have another brandy.

Do you mind? She was one of my
bridesmaids. She wasn't

fat. She was...

at least I can have a stab at a love
life now and again.

Oh, saucy.

Oh, well, we said she was saucy, didn't
we, Les? Didn't we say she was saucy?

Go on, tell us you're saucy.

I did, I did.

I tell you, we have our moments up here.

We're no strangers to lust in Chigwell.

Speak for yourself.

Passion don't stop at a North Circular,
you know. Dorian will tell you.

Dorian will do no such thing.

Oh, who's ringing at this time of night?

Hello? Yeah.

Yeah, she's here.

You what?

I see.

It's for you. A bloke called Eddie. Said
he's had a nasty experience with an

head gasket.

Said he's sorry if he's kept you hanging
about all night. Oh, Eddie's an AA man

I met. Stopped me overheating on the
M25.

And now he's ringing about your big end,
is he?

Must be your new fancy man.

Oh, more sauce.

Sorry to keep you hanging about all
night.

So that's why you wanted to be here.

That's what the girls' night in was in
aid of. That's why you wanted to come

round and cook and everything.

Yes, well, I'm sorry, Tracy. I had to
give him this number. I was desperate.

Marcus was beginning to get suspicious.

Marcus is her husband.

Oh, even so, sir.

Eddie, speak up.

It's what?

It's difficult to speak at your end.

You should be standing where I am.

All right?

I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be all
right?

No reason, no reason.

Why would a sandpiper do anything?

I'm just stuck in here.

No contact with the outsides, no visits
and letters.

I keep getting these letters from my
mum.

Oh, that's nice. No, it's not.

Sorry.

Just thought it might be, that's all.
Well, it's not. It's nothing but bad

On a peep album in years, and it's
letter after letter, me dad banging on

the dignity of the working man.

Well, that's right.

No, it's not. He was a fish porter in
Billingsgate.

Used to walk about with boxes of dead
mackerel on his head. Where's the

in that?

What's he got at the end of it, eh?

Nothing.

Except rheumatism and smelly air.

What can I do, eh?

Oh.

Not your job to supply shampoo.

Letters that wind me up.

I've got another one this morning. Seems
they weren't able to see Tracy the

other night. Well, that's nice. No, it's
not.

Sorry.

Funny.

I've obviously got a warped idea on
what's nice.

Been in here too long.

They painted a right old picture of life
in Chigwell.

Sounds like one long orgy with French
food thrown in.

And that tart next door sounds a great
influence.

Got a dirty chat line going from my
house.

Really? I never knew you was 0898.

I thought they were all at it.

And how long before Mark Tracy's off on
the side, eh?

They're stuck in here, just don't know
what's true.

Did they say anything about Sharon?

Yeah, said she was still a slag.

Well, that's nice.

You're right, you have got a warped idea
of what's nice.

Filthy liars have twisted everything.

They've painted us as a load of ravers
and slags. We should be so lucky.

After all the trouble we went through,
this is their rotten problems, being

to them all night. I'll never forgive
them for this. They've got down with the

right state.

We'll get over it, Trace. I'm sure they
didn't mean it.

You ain't heard what he's saying.

Like Mum says, with all this nymphomania
around, it's only a matter of time

before you catch it.

Look, don't worry about it, Trace.
They're just a bit old -fashioned.

That prefab in Poplar ain't no place for
old people. So how about it if they

move into Sharon's room?

Who am I supposed to keep?

That way, Mum will be able to help you
out and keep an eye on things. But

mainly, it'll get rid of your worst
influence, your sister.

The two -faced old fart!

And Mum says she'll keep that tart next
door in her place and all.

I don't believe it.

Them two living in my room? You're lucky
to have in -laws like them, you said.

At least you can have a laugh with them,
you said.

Well, go on, laugh.

be homeless.

And what will I be?

Serving time here with them two
atrocities.

Look, you've got to go and see Daryl
quick.

Explain it to him sharpish. Ah, visiting
tomorrow and they're going.

God knows what they'll be saying behind
my back.

That's why you've got to be there,
Trace. I can't. I haven't got a visiting

order.

No, but I have.

Get out, Mum.

Oh, you look wonderful.

Doesn't he look wonderful, Les?

Go on, tell him he looks wonderful.

I will, I will.

All right, son?

All right, Dad?

Now, let's look at you.

You've lost weight.

Prison food doesn't have the right
starch in emulsifiers.

I've got some things for you.

Oh. I've got a bottle of scotch.

Some razor blades.

And your new belt.

Oh.

Thanks a lot, Mum. All the things I
can't have.

Wonderful to see you, Daryl. Yeah, well,
we've just done all that.

Give him that cigar.

Oh, yeah, dear.

I bought you a cigar, son. It's all I
could afford.

I'm sorry it's not much.

Say that again.

Oh, well.

We have to spend all our money on eating
up the prefabs, you see, Daryl.

We have to, just to keep him alive.

I'm your old dad.

I used to bounce you on me knee.

Yeah, twice, wasn't it?

Well, you see, it's Tracy we're worried
about, living in that big, warm house,

all alone, unprotected.

Yeah, well, I wrote to Tracy about that,
and I suggested you move in.

Oh, terrific, Daryl.

Oh, Daryl, oh.

It's for the best, you'll see. It's for
the best.

Oh, I'll go round there tomorrow and
measure up the curtains.

Hey, you haven't got one of them
satellite dishes, have you? Everyone's

of them. I'll organise one of them for
you. Hang about, hang about.

I've got a square little trachy yet. Oh,
cold, cold.

Hey,

guess what? A little woman's here. You
haven't got a little woman, Chris. You

married Sharon.

are you, love?

What are you doing coming to see him?
I'm not. I've come to see you.

Then don't kiss him.

Well, I can't kiss you. I'm pretending
to be his wife.

Hang on. Where do I sit in the world?
Don't. Sit there and be quiet. Pretend

be busy. Oh, that's nice.

Don't let him tell you what's nice. He's
twisted.

This can't be right.

It must be against the rules.

Let's go see if it's against the rules.
I will. I won't, Dad. Don't you go

grafting up my wife.

Oi, she's my wife today. You just let
your step clear.

Good to see you. Oh.

Just what the hell's going on, Tracy?

I needed to see you, Daryl. Here you
are.

Things are getting out of hand, Daryl.
Yeah, things are getting out of hand,

Daryl.

Passions crossed and all circular.

Lorry drivers ringing up at all hours at
night.

You stay out of this, you poisonous old
bat.

Why do you talk to my mother like that,
Tracey?

It's the people around her, son. She's
turning into a slag. Don't you talk

my Tracey like that.

Here, can I get a cigar?

No. I mean, there's no good getting
married if he was only doing what we

was best. For our Daryl. For our Daryl.
For yourselves, you mean.

We was all right till these letters
started up.

You've not been helping him. You've been
winding him up. No, we haven't. Yes,

you have. That's right. He's been
telling me.

You keep out of this. Hang on.

I'm going to stir it for you, son. I
mean, I'm your old dad. I'm the one who

used to bounce you on me knee, didn't I?
Yeah.

Breastfed him, I did.

Breastfed him long after my time. Got
myself all out of shape for him, I did.

Then there was the bedwetting. Yeah.
Leave it out. Leave it out.

You're so sick to know that. Hey, Tracy,
keep it down.

Invited you round, gave you a nice meal,
and all you can do is slag us off.

Well, I'm only telling him what we saw.
You only saw what you wanted to see, you

dirty old git.

we've had of him.

Go on.

Well, sounds like he quite enjoyed it in
the end. Says he's forgotten what a

family punch -up was like.

Now he's remembered he wouldn't wish his
family on anyone.

So it turns out all right, then?

Well, not really. Due to the fracas,
Daryl got his privileges revoked. So now

there's no visits at all.

Never mind, Trace.

Think of it as losing a battle but
winning the war.

Except that due to the behaviour of Mrs
Theodopolopoulos, me, old Chris got his

privileges revoked. Come on.

Oh, well, there's always casualties in a
war, isn't there?

Uh -oh.

Beware middle -aged Jewish au pairs.

They're in large bunches of flowers.

Tracy, before you bite my head off or
ram garlic down my throat, I just want

apologise for the other night.

It was quite wrong of me to give out
your phone number without asking.

Please accept these and forgive me.

Please. Forgive him, Dawn.

And don't worry about your number.

Eddie didn't write it in his book.

In fact, I don't think he has a book.

In fact, I'm not sure he can write.

Anyway, he probably just jotted it down
by the phone.

What phone would that be, Dorian?

I'm not sure.

It's at the service station, I suppose.

Hang about, Dawn. Let me get this right.

He's left my phone number by a public
phone in Newport Pagnol between Erica's

Swedish massage and Miss Whiplash longs
to walk all over you.

That explains a few things.

Hello?

No, Dorian doesn't live here anymore.

So you can scrub out that number and
write down this one.

971 -501 -1362.

Yeah, 1362. That's right, she'll be home
any minute.

Is your Marcus home, Dor?

Yes.

Well, I'd get home pretty sharpish if I
were you.

You're about to get a call from a
coachload of Watford supporters.

They've got a very unusual proposition
for you.

You fat, common...

Talk me talk!