Original subtitles

What'll I do when you...

This smudge is still here.

Of course it's still here. It's got life in me.

Who's alive is in here, right?

All right, all right. Only making conversation.

Look, what's wrong?

Wrong? There's nothing wrong.

I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be? You're here.

I'm nice to go.

Yeah, but you're supposed to smoke it, not grope it to bits.

Look, if you're all right, talk to me. Tell me the news.

The news? What, from in here?

Oh, well.

Big Frank is just putting the finishing touches to the budget.

He's expecting to put up income tax again.

He never could leave other people's income alone.

Oh, my boat's endearing. He's just invaded Turkey.

But don't tell anyone.

He only let him out to get his eyes tested.

What do you think the news is? Same as last week. Sweet F .A.

Sarah, what is it? What's on your mind?

Nothing. I told you.

Come on.

You read me like a book, don't you? Yeah.

So come on out with it.

Well, look, promise you won't take this the wrong way. Take what the wrong way?

You're starting already.

Well, I haven't heard it yet.

I knew it, I knew it. Whatever it is, I promise I won't take it the wrong way.

Cuss my heart.

Okay.

Do you mind meeting the next visit?

Oh, pardon me if I'm getting boring.

Once a fortnight too much, is it?

Sick of seeing me, are you?

Well, sorry to keep pestering you.

Tracy, you said you wouldn't take this the wrong way. Who is it? Who's coming

my place?

Some bird I don't know about. Who is it, eh? My mum and dad.

Them? But we haven't heard a dicky bird out of them since you went down.

Not even a phone call to see if I was all right.

Yeah, well, they took the trial badly.

Yeah, and I was over the moon, I suppose. You know what I mean, Tracy?

It was different for them. It was harder.

They're older, a different generation.

They was embarrassed in front of their neighbours.

In front of their neighbours?

That's rich.

Them next door had two banged up and one on the game, and him on the other side

had just done his wifey.

Anyway, I thought they weren't talking to you.

They weren't, but then me mum suddenly wrote out the blues.

Seems Dad had a bit of a flutter.

Oh, yeah.

I'm actually loose this time.

No, Tracy, a heart flutter.

Only a small one, mind.

Well, it has to be a small one.

He hasn't got a very big heart.

It was always the same.

Greedy grasping old thug.

We left our wedding presents around their house and I was my first set of

before I could boil an egg in them.

I expect Dorian would say that they were searching for material security on

account that nobody loves them. Well, of course nobody loves them. They're

horrible.

Does Daryl love them?

No, he don't. He just thinks he should because they're his parents.

There's been no kind of parents to me. Two years and nothing.

Not a phone call, not a letter, not even a postcard.

Well, they're not easy to find, Trace. What?

Postcards of Canning Town.

They live in Poplar.

Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

No problems with postcards of Poplar.

Waterfront bistros, floodlit fountains, nocturnal views of the buses. Oh, all

right, all right.

You're not taking me serious, are you? Well, of course I'm not.

One visit, Trace. One visit is all he wants with them.

They are his parents, after all. I don't care who they are. They're nicking my

visit. Come on, he hasn't seen them in two years.

There'll be things he wants to talk to them about.

Like what?

The weather.

They don't have weather inside.

You know what I mean.

If Daryl wants to patch things up, he should.

He's trying to wobbly ain't doing no good.

I suppose not.

You should be helping, not getting in the way.

Well, there's not a lot I can do, is there?

Of course there is.

Put yourself out a bit. Make the first move.

Hands across the water and all that.

Poplar's this side of the river.

Look, if Daryl's trying to forgive and forget, so should you.

Go on, give him a ring. Invite him over.

Do what? Invite him round here?

No way. I can't afford to replace me saucepans right now.

They ain't that bad, Chase.

I only met him at your wedding, but we had a good laugh.

You mean you all got rat -arsed together, upset my guests, broke half

glasses and got us banned from the reception room?

Yeah, like I said, we had a good laugh.

Well, at least you can have a knees up with him.

You should have in -laws like mine.

Sunday dinner at Chrissie's house was your actual Greek tragedy.

Brothers and sisters sulking in corners.

Papa moaning with a migraine because his beret was too tight.

And Mama sitting down the end of the table, all dressed in black, glaring at

for daring to marry her son.

And me glaring back at her for daring to give birth to him in the first place.

Yeah, I suppose they could be worse.

You'd better believe it.

Oh, we are.

Come on, phone them.

Trace, phone your indoors or else.

Or else what?

Or else I'll phone mine and invite them over.

How about this?

Tendrons de veau en terrine.

Cook up that.

How are you going to cook it? You can't even say it.

It looks great in the picture. It always does.

I suppose we could just pass round some pictures and order a takeaway pizza.

Come on, Tracey, we've got to give them something nice. Why? Would they notice

the difference?

Out of order, Tracey.

You're either nice to people or you ignore them.

You don't invite them over for dinner, give them something horrible, then stand

in the kitchen giggling while they're in there throwing up.

You aren't going out Friday night, are you?

Well, we thought if the chip pan catches light and the house burns down, we

might pop out for a minute or two.

Only I wondered if you found for the girls' night in.

I could bring round a couple of videos featuring several well -hung fellas and

certain amount of... It's not Friday, girl. We've got company.

What? Better company than several well -hung fellows.

No, but it's duty.

We've got Daryl's parents coming for dinner. In -laws? My God, is this wise?

but I'm making a special effort. We've got to bury the hatchet. Sharon's right.

Rubbish. Sharon's never right.

Look, can't you cancel? Have them round another night? I can't. It's all

about... It's just we've got a bit of a problem about what to give them. We're a

bit stuck.

In that case, since you've ruined my plan...

I may as well give you the benefit of my culinary expertise, my grasp of cordon

bleu. Yeah, we don't use an expert in French.

So, Friday night will be girls' night in in the kitchen. I will cook and help

you to present things correctly.

Dorian, you can't cook. Everyone knows that. You threw your saucepans away when

they invented the microwave.

Every time you have a dinner party, you chuck out enough aluminium containers to

buy a guide dog.

Well, that doesn't mean that I don't remember how.

And you do want to impress Daryl's parents, don't you?

Do I?

Anyway, I thought you were dead against family and in -laws. Only mine.

So that's why the night's settled, then.

Oh, I really look forward to meeting Daryl's parents.

I'm sure they're absolutely sweet. Totally unspoiled. Very natural.

Dead common, you mean.

Tracy, now you know I'm not a snob. I can get along with all kinds of people.

don't care which golf club they belong to.

Sharon, could you please keep it down a little?

What music?

No, the smell of garlic. It's horrendous out there.

Wild life is dying up at a rate of knots.

Earwigs are hurling themselves onto thistles. And according to what you told

free clothes, you say? These are bulbs, Sharon. Clothes are the little ones.

I can't breathe in here. You've probably taken the enamel off the saucepans.

Sharon, you're getting in the way.

I wish you would just go and do whatever it is you're best at.

What am I best at? Getting in the way?

All right, go and get in Tracy's way instead, then.

Shut up!

You're brilliant, Trace.

Good Adorian to lend us their cutlery, eh? Yeah, I just wish you hadn't lent us

so much.

I mean, where did it all go?

Why do you have to have three folks when you've only got one man?

It's etiquette, isn't it?

What's that mean?

It means you've got two spare in case you drop one.

You'd better not drop one.

I'm sorry I haven't let you talk me into this.

Adorian cooking for us. I can't get over it.

Let's just hope we get over the meal, eh?

I mean, what are they going to think, the next -door neighbour cooking and

everything? I suppose we could say she's the au pair.

Tracy, nobody has a middle -aged Jewish au pair.

Oh, God.

I'll get it. Here, what's their names? I forgot.

Mr and Mrs Stubbs, you wally.

Oh, yeah, silly me.

Oh, there's an olive.

Pull yourself together, girl. This is for Daryl, remember?

Be positive.

Think nice thoughts about him. Forget they're a pair of tight -fisted old

Oh, Sharon, thanks.

He looks gorgeous.

I will, I will. And you haven't changed.

Oh, well, he won't buy me a new frock.

Come on through.

Oh, lovely.

Here.

You've got a garlic factory round here.

Eh? Oh, you can smell it miles away. I don't know how you live with it.

Must get into all your clothes.

Here, shall I take your coat?

Oh.

Here we are.

I'll put it in the special diffumer we had built.

Oh, would you, Sharon? Thanks.

I don't want the bus conductors making cheap remarks.

You look gorgeous, Tracy.

Yes, well, we've done all that. Just part yourself.

Good evening.

I'm Dorian.

Enjoy an aperitif.

Dinner will be served shortly.

Bloody hell, your au pair's knocking on a bit of change.

Oh, are you sure he's all right?

He's going to want to sweat, eh?

Oh, he'll be all right when he gets his breath back.

Garlic always does this to him.

Are we lifting the blankets tonight?

Yeah, Garlic does that to him and all.

It was a gorgeous meal, though, Tracy. It really was. Wasn't it a gorgeous

Les?

Well, go on, tell them it was a gorgeous meal.

I will, I will.

Mind you, the soup was funny.

Yeah, well, we only made it for a laugh.

Even though it took only two hours.

Yeah, well, it was worth it for a laugh, eh?

More wine, anyone?

It was a gorgeous meal, Tracy.

Yeah, I've done all that. Go on, drink up.

I love the bacon.

Jambon, Mr. Stubbs. We call it jambon au dauphinois.

Well, they'll call bacon anything to sell it.

Well, it was a gorgeous meal, Tracy.

And that's sweet.

Yeah, well, it's all down to Dorian, really.

Oh, well, there's plenty more. Please help yourselves.

Oh, no, I couldn't. Well,

you could wrap some up for us to take home, if you like.

Oh, yeah, if you think it'll get eaten.

Oh, yeah, the cat will get a bundle on that.

Go and make some coffee. Will anyone want cream?

Sure, the cat will.

Sorry about this, doll. Look, if you fancy creeping off, I'll understand,

honest. What?

And leave you at the mercy of people like that? No, I volunteered for this

I'll see it through.

Never let it be said that I deserted a friend in need.

Oh, thanks, doll. You've been a great help. What are friends for?

than you were, wasn't you? Yeah. I mean, I thought he was a goner. I thought

it's TV dinners for one from now on.

Shocking state, weren't you?

Shocking, shocking. There was a pain right across here, all the way down

pain shooting up your back, and a right pain in the neck, you know what I mean?

I'm beginning to, Liz, yeah.

Would anyone like brandy? I'll have a double. Yeah.

Mind you, it's a damp... that gets to us most. Make that treble, please.

I don't expect you notice it here with your central heating, but prefabs are

noted for it.

Where we are, it seeps up from the river. At seven o 'clock in the morning,

there's a low -lying mist right across the kitchen floor.

It's usually cleared by midday.

Yes, but it only turns into condensation.

See, out of the windows in the afternoon, it looks as if it's rained on

inside. No.

Yeah, but it usually clears by the morning.

Yes, but then it just runs down the walls and comes up again with the mist

the morning.

Well, look on it as nature, Olive.

You never know, you might end up on a survival special.

You're a very lucky young lady, Tracy.

I mean, our Daryl's done all right for you, hasn't he?

You haven't had to suffer here at all, have you?

Not until recently, no.

Hello?

Hello?

Got a weirdo here.

Could you breathe a bit louder, please?

I'm a bit hard of hearing.

What?

Some perv in a phone box with sexual asthma.

Think I'll have another brandy.

Do you mind? She was one of my bridesmaids. She wasn't

fat. She was...

at least I can have a stab at a love life now and again.

Oh, saucy.

Oh, well, we said she was saucy, didn't we, Les? Didn't we say she was saucy?

Go on, tell us you're saucy.

I did, I did.

I tell you, we have our moments up here.

We're no strangers to lust in Chigwell.

Speak for yourself.

Passion don't stop at a North Circular, you know. Dorian will tell you.

Dorian will do no such thing.

Oh, who's ringing at this time of night?

Hello? Yeah.

Yeah, she's here.

You what?

I see.

It's for you. A bloke called Eddie. Said he's had a nasty experience with an

head gasket.

Said he's sorry if he's kept you hanging about all night. Oh, Eddie's an AA man

I met. Stopped me overheating on the M25.

And now he's ringing about your big end, is he?

Must be your new fancy man.

Oh, more sauce.

Sorry to keep you hanging about all night.

So that's why you wanted to be here.

That's what the girls' night in was in aid of. That's why you wanted to come

round and cook and everything.

Yes, well, I'm sorry, Tracy. I had to give him this number. I was desperate.

Marcus was beginning to get suspicious.

Marcus is her husband.

Oh, even so, sir.

Eddie, speak up.

It's what?

It's difficult to speak at your end.

You should be standing where I am.

All right?

I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be all right?

No reason, no reason.

Why would a sandpiper do anything?

I'm just stuck in here.

No contact with the outsides, no visits and letters.

I keep getting these letters from my mum.

Oh, that's nice. No, it's not.

Sorry.

Just thought it might be, that's all. Well, it's not. It's nothing but bad

On a peep album in years, and it's letter after letter, me dad banging on

the dignity of the working man.

Well, that's right.

No, it's not. He was a fish porter in Billingsgate.

Used to walk about with boxes of dead mackerel on his head. Where's the

in that?

What's he got at the end of it, eh?

Nothing.

Except rheumatism and smelly air.

What can I do, eh?

Oh.

Not your job to supply shampoo.

Letters that wind me up.

I've got another one this morning. Seems they weren't able to see Tracy the

other night. Well, that's nice. No, it's not.

Sorry.

Funny.

I've obviously got a warped idea on what's nice.

Been in here too long.

They painted a right old picture of life in Chigwell.

Sounds like one long orgy with French food thrown in.

And that tart next door sounds a great influence.

Got a dirty chat line going from my house.

Really? I never knew you was 0898.

I thought they were all at it.

And how long before Mark Tracy's off on the side, eh?

They're stuck in here, just don't know what's true.

Did they say anything about Sharon?

Yeah, said she was still a slag.

Well, that's nice.

You're right, you have got a warped idea of what's nice.

Filthy liars have twisted everything.

They've painted us as a load of ravers and slags. We should be so lucky.

After all the trouble we went through, this is their rotten problems, being

to them all night. I'll never forgive them for this. They've got down with the

right state.

We'll get over it, Trace. I'm sure they didn't mean it.

You ain't heard what he's saying.

Like Mum says, with all this nymphomania around, it's only a matter of time

before you catch it.

Look, don't worry about it, Trace. They're just a bit old -fashioned.

That prefab in Poplar ain't no place for old people. So how about it if they

move into Sharon's room?

Who am I supposed to keep?

That way, Mum will be able to help you out and keep an eye on things. But

mainly, it'll get rid of your worst influence, your sister.

The two -faced old fart!

And Mum says she'll keep that tart next door in her place and all.

I don't believe it.

Them two living in my room? You're lucky to have in -laws like them, you said.

At least you can have a laugh with them, you said.

Well, go on, laugh.

be homeless.

And what will I be?

Serving time here with them two atrocities.

Look, you've got to go and see Daryl quick.

Explain it to him sharpish. Ah, visiting tomorrow and they're going.

God knows what they'll be saying behind my back.

That's why you've got to be there, Trace. I can't. I haven't got a visiting

order.

No, but I have.

Get out, Mum.

Oh, you look wonderful.

Doesn't he look wonderful, Les?

Go on, tell him he looks wonderful.

I will, I will.

All right, son?

All right, Dad?

Now, let's look at you.

You've lost weight.

Prison food doesn't have the right starch in emulsifiers.

I've got some things for you.

Oh. I've got a bottle of scotch.

Some razor blades.

And your new belt.

Oh.

Thanks a lot, Mum. All the things I can't have.

Wonderful to see you, Daryl. Yeah, well, we've just done all that.

Give him that cigar.

Oh, yeah, dear.

I bought you a cigar, son. It's all I could afford.

I'm sorry it's not much.

Say that again.

Oh, well.

We have to spend all our money on eating up the prefabs, you see, Daryl.

We have to, just to keep him alive.

I'm your old dad.

I used to bounce you on me knee.

Yeah, twice, wasn't it?

Well, you see, it's Tracy we're worried about, living in that big, warm house,

all alone, unprotected.

Yeah, well, I wrote to Tracy about that, and I suggested you move in.

Oh, terrific, Daryl.

Oh, Daryl, oh.

It's for the best, you'll see. It's for the best.

Oh, I'll go round there tomorrow and measure up the curtains.

Hey, you haven't got one of them satellite dishes, have you? Everyone's

of them. I'll organise one of them for you. Hang about, hang about.

I've got a square little trachy yet. Oh, cold, cold.

Hey,

guess what? A little woman's here. You haven't got a little woman, Chris. You

married Sharon.

are you, love?

What are you doing coming to see him? I'm not. I've come to see you.

Then don't kiss him.

Well, I can't kiss you. I'm pretending to be his wife.

Hang on. Where do I sit in the world? Don't. Sit there and be quiet. Pretend

be busy. Oh, that's nice.

Don't let him tell you what's nice. He's twisted.

This can't be right.

It must be against the rules.

Let's go see if it's against the rules. I will. I won't, Dad. Don't you go

grafting up my wife.

Oi, she's my wife today. You just let your step clear.

Good to see you. Oh.

Just what the hell's going on, Tracy?

I needed to see you, Daryl. Here you are.

Things are getting out of hand, Daryl. Yeah, things are getting out of hand,

Daryl.

Passions crossed and all circular.

Lorry drivers ringing up at all hours at night.

You stay out of this, you poisonous old bat.

Why do you talk to my mother like that, Tracey?

It's the people around her, son. She's turning into a slag. Don't you talk

my Tracey like that.

Here, can I get a cigar?

No. I mean, there's no good getting married if he was only doing what we

was best. For our Daryl. For our Daryl. For yourselves, you mean.

We was all right till these letters started up.

You've not been helping him. You've been winding him up. No, we haven't. Yes,

you have. That's right. He's been telling me.

You keep out of this. Hang on.

I'm going to stir it for you, son. I mean, I'm your old dad. I'm the one who

used to bounce you on me knee, didn't I? Yeah.

Breastfed him, I did.

Breastfed him long after my time. Got myself all out of shape for him, I did.

Then there was the bedwetting. Yeah. Leave it out. Leave it out.

You're so sick to know that. Hey, Tracy, keep it down.

Invited you round, gave you a nice meal, and all you can do is slag us off.

Well, I'm only telling him what we saw. You only saw what you wanted to see, you

dirty old git.

we've had of him.

Go on.

Well, sounds like he quite enjoyed it in the end. Says he's forgotten what a

family punch -up was like.

Now he's remembered he wouldn't wish his family on anyone.

So it turns out all right, then?

Well, not really. Due to the fracas, Daryl got his privileges revoked. So now

there's no visits at all.

Never mind, Trace.

Think of it as losing a battle but winning the war.

Except that due to the behaviour of Mrs Theodopolopoulos, me, old Chris got his

privileges revoked. Come on.

Oh, well, there's always casualties in a war, isn't there?

Uh -oh.

Beware middle -aged Jewish au pairs.

They're in large bunches of flowers.

Tracy, before you bite my head off or ram garlic down my throat, I just want

apologise for the other night.

It was quite wrong of me to give out your phone number without asking.

Please accept these and forgive me.

Please. Forgive him, Dawn.

And don't worry about your number.

Eddie didn't write it in his book.

In fact, I don't think he has a book.

In fact, I'm not sure he can write.

Anyway, he probably just jotted it down by the phone.

What phone would that be, Dorian?

I'm not sure.

It's at the service station, I suppose.

Hang about, Dawn. Let me get this right.

He's left my phone number by a public phone in Newport Pagnol between Erica's

Swedish massage and Miss Whiplash longs to walk all over you.

That explains a few things.

Hello?

No, Dorian doesn't live here anymore.

So you can scrub out that number and write down this one.

971 -501 -1362.

Yeah, 1362. That's right, she'll be home any minute.

Is your Marcus home, Dor?

Yes.

Well, I'd get home pretty sharpish if I were you.

You're about to get a call from a coachload of Watford supporters.

They've got a very unusual proposition for you.

You fat, common...

Talk me talk!