Original subtitles

Keeps the cold out and the heat in.

Macroglaze. The double glazing expert that gives your windows that touch of

love.

Macroglaze. The sweet you can eat between meals without ruining your

What's all this then?

The answer to your heating problems and the surefire way to increase the value

of your property.

A load of cobblers, isn't it?

Yeah.

Too far with you, I fit to an extra cardigan and a mug of odd roll.

Macroglaze.

The double glazing experts that make your house a home.

Macroglaze. The thieving tow rags that pay peanuts to un -stilled wallies like

me.

With a million pounds and a date with Gazza, you can answer one simple

Why am I doing this?

You've been framed, darling.

Have you ever considered double glazing?

Double egg and chips, yeah.

Double glazing, no.

I can't believe it anyway, will you? The tree's already dead.

Keep that all perfect.

Hi.

Sharon.

I don't believe it.

So I said to her, Mummy, I know what to wear to a family celebration.

I won't let you down.

Well, what are you going to wear?

I toyed with black leather, but my Uncle Lionel had the pacemaker.

Dorian, you old fart.

I'm joking, Tracy.

This is my nephew's brist we're talking about, not a Hell's Angel reunion,

more's the pity.

This bristlar, is that when the poor little man at his... when they, you

Yes, it is, but root vegetables are rarely involved in the

ceremony.

It's like your mum don't trust you much.

She never has.

Not since Judith Gelman and I said we were doing extra netball practice, but

really, we spent all weekend outside Paul McCartney's house.

Last week, was this?

I've still got his plexrum in my knick -knack drawer.

Well, I trust Mark Arfie. He's a good boy. Not if he's a normal, healthy 16

-year -old who likes very loud music.

Yeah, I know.

He ain't exactly Mulliken Tire, is he?

He's been playing that racket ever since he came home for our tour.

Apparently it's the Epi Carpets or the Inspiral Mondays or something.

Well, can't you get him to turn it down? Your RSJs are vibrating.

I don't know what to.

It reminds me of his ear.

And then I pretend my barrel was here and all. And that Garfield's music's

him such an edict that he storms upstairs and they have this dirty great

and there's a lot of shouting and screaming and door slamming and stuff.

Just like the old days.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Tracy, you're spoiling that boy. I mean, look what

got you doing.

I'm making a shepherd's pie, though.

Well, why can't you buy it from Marks and Spencers like a normal person?

Because, Dorian, before Marks and Spencers was invented, people used to

these rooms, kitchens, they're called, to cook food.

Anyway, while Garth is home, it's like we're a family again.

Well, almost.

I want to cook for him. It's what mums do.

And they nag.

And they emotionally blackmail.

And they make you feel like you've let them down.

Thinking about anyone in particular, are we? It's all that baby's fault.

If my brother Geoffrey and his wife hadn't had it, Mummy wouldn't be phoning

all the time and I wouldn't have to keep escaping round here.

Oh, that's it.

Blame it on a poor, innocent little baby.

I suppose Mother Teresa and Cliff Richard are implicated in all.

My brother Geoffrey, maybe my own flesh and blood is a nebbish.

He lives in a stone -clad semi in burnt oak, has terminal dandruff...

and was last week publicly humiliated on Beatles About.

Yeah, he weren't the one with the horse manure, was he?

But he's made Mummy a grandmother four times, so he's Mummy's darling and I'm

Aunty Dorian.

Aunty's a very important door.

I mean, look at the way Sharon does on Garfield.

How'd you get that anti -social little boy to yours to turn that noise down?

Glasgow police are getting complaints.

What'd you do?

Put your bum super glue to one of our stools again.

Suffering from a touch of executive stress, are we, Sharon?

The macro -glaze. The experts.

Talk about care boys.

I reckon they trained Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

It says here, as seen on national television.

Esther Ransom, probably.

Not all double -glazing firms are villains.

My barrel did it for a while.

You don't think it's too... Too... Too what?

Too Joan Collins.

I mean, I don't want to look like mutton dressed as lamb.

Or old boiler dressed as going bird.

If you wear the right hat, you can really make a statement.

Chris was in a balaclava when the old bill got into my kids.

So you definitely prefer it to this one?

Yeah.

No.

I don't care. Listen, this nephew of yours will take his driving test by the

time you decide.

Couldn't you try to be interested? I mean, I'd see more enthusiasm in a

shop assistant.

OK, Dot.

I'll tell you what app to wear to your nephew's cut and blow -dry.

If you lend us your diamond earrings for tomorrow.

My Tiffany studs?

Dorian likes to keep her studs to herself, shall.

Have you none of that?

Oh, go on, Dor.

They'll go great with this new jacket. I got down Woodgreen Shopping City the

other day.

No earrings of mine would dare.

Well, where are you going, then?

Just out.

Well, I didn't think you were getting all tidied up to stay in and unblock the

dishwasher. I know the signs, Tracy.

It's a new man.

Is it, shall?

Not exactly a new man.

Must be an old man, then.

You've been picking up rinkies outside the library again.

Look at her.

In a sudden death play -off, she could outsmirk Bob Monkhouse.

You tell us who you're seeing tomorrow. Dorian will borrow your studs, won't

you, Dor? I'd rather sleep with Bernard Manning.

I bumped into Dave today.

Dave. Dave.

Dave with a squint and a snack bar.

Married to Angelo's sister and found Jesus.

Dave with a squint married for Angelo's sister. He never. Cross my heart.

Apparently they're living together in a mobile home on Canby Island. Yes, could

you possibly try another day, Tracy? The suspense is killing me.

I don't know any others.

Dave.

Dave, the telecom engineer. You know.

Oh, no.

That Dave.

He's installing telephones in that new office block near the shopping centre.

meet him for a drink.

Do you think that's a good idea, Shell?

Yes, I do, Trace.

You can't have a new office block without telephone.

You know what I'm talking about.

Yes, but I don't. This is like switching on halfway through Neighbours. Not that

I watch it, of course.

You look gutted when you give him the big E.

I weren't exactly out partying myself.

Yes, could someone just tell me who Dave is?

You tell her, Shell. If I do, you'd only say I've got a bigger mouth than the

Channel Tunnel.

Why should I?

So she can gossip about me at that knocking shop she calls a tennis club.

I've changed your name to protect your identity.

Oh, cheers, doll.

Dave's a bloke I was seeing just after Chris got put away.

Was it a brief interlude of wild, unbridled passion?

Yeah, it was.

Followed by an even briefer interlude of pregnancy.

You mean you got rid of him?

You didn't have... You hadn't... Got it in three doors.

Have you never heard of a woman's right to choose?

Heard of it? I practically invented it.

But why didn't you tell me this at the time?

I hardly knew you.

I hardly knew myself come to that.

I was pregnant and I'd just got an answer with.

Then? What do you mean, then?

Well, I wasn't ready for a kiddie two years ago, but maybe now I am.

You never miss Sesame Street, so you're halfway there.

Look, Dave's a great bloke, right?

You said I was mad to let him go.

Maybe we can pick up where we left off. Where was that?

In the back of his telecom van more often than not.

And you're telling the truth?

About the baby?

You mean he doesn't know?

Well, he knew I was pregnant, and he knew I didn't have the baby.

He thinks it was a miscarriage.

I had to lie to him, Dora. I was in a right to an eight.

I didn't want to hurt him.

I do understand, Sharon. You see, lying isn't only about deception. It's also

about protection.

Well, that's rather good, isn't it?

Maybe now's the time for telling the truth.

Bare your chest, so to speak.

Hopefully I'll do that and all.

Where'd you skydive off to?

I went round Jason.

I went round Jason's house.

No, you didn't. He would have said.

You never touched your shepherd's pie.

I didn't fancy it.

We call it sheep turd's pie at school.

That private education certainly seems to be paying off.

You could have said, you aren't a Sharonette to help me eat it.

Don't even think about it, Garth. You ain't too big for a clip round your ear

off.

I'll get you a step ladder, shall I?

So what's his name?

Gary. The head case with a tattoo.

Gary didn't have no tattoo.

He did.

I see it that night we come back from that party in Dagenham and he stuck his

bum out the window at a Fender car.

He's lived in the fast lane, guys.

He ate someone's goldfish once.

When we asked him why he did it, he said it was like Everest.

Because it was there.

What's he doing there?

Selling timeshares in Ibiza? Gun running in Mozambique? Accounts clerk at MFI.

It happens to us all.

We all settled down sooner or later, Shane.

I'd have been right for settling down and all if you'd only given me the

It weren't you, Dave. It were me.

I weren't good for nothing when we met.

You were.

We knackered the suspension on that telephone.

You did have a laugh, didn't you?

I never met anyone like you.

You didn't give a toss what anyone thought. You just went for it.

That was the trouble.

After Chris got banged away, I felt like a 15 -year -old.

Trouble was, I couldn't find one, so I picked you.

Even the traces calmed me down a bit.

She's a diamond, your sister.

Still remember the way she broke the news to me about the baby?

Yeah.

Look, we need to talk about that, Dave. No, we don't.

I read my name's Bella. I know what you went through.

I'd just like to go through it with you, that's all. I need to tell you

something, because you're a diamond in all.

I must have been two slices short of an ovis to split up with you.

Actually, Sharon, there's something I need to tell you.

What's that?

No, it's OK, you go first.

Well, you know, my marriage weren't exactly made in heaven.

Beirut, more like.

And, you know, I went a bit wild after Chris got put away.

Like a 15 -year -old, right?

Right.

Well, when 15 -year -olds get pregnant, more often than not, they're too

immature to give their kids a proper start in life.

So they don't have them.

What's that got to do with us?

Hang on, I'm getting there.

You've got to remember, Dave, 10 years with Chris have convinced me that all

blokes are thieving lying toe rags. And those are just the nice ones.

I know that. I was wrong.

But that's how I felt.

I was pregnant and I was scared.

What I did, I did for the best.

Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?

What do you think I'm telling you?

That it weren't no miscarriage.

Don't put creases down the legs, will you, Mum?

I always used to put crease in your dad's jeans.

Exactly.

Right, now, what shirt do you want?

The one you wouldn't have been seen dead in two years ago?

Or the one that looks like an explosion in a paint factory?

Do them both, eh?

The Milky Bar is around me.

Oh, lovely.

Garth, he loves chocolate, he cares.

Here, Garth, what's the school nickname for those on second floor?

Five more for breakfast, thanks.

I'm going to the multi -screen with James tonight.

Your shirt's to be ready in a tick, love.

You two rehearsing for a purple commercial?

Well, obviously a public school education only runs to teaching kids how

become merchant bankers and manage rock bands.

Shirt ironing's pretty low down in the curriculum, is it?

I like

ironing shirts.

Andy's bringing this rag into the house.

The only paper specially designed for people whose lips move when they read.

Give it a rest, shall I? I've had Dorian bending the ears all day about that

nephew of hers.

Well, I've had a great day.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Dave. That explains the cakes.

What happened, Shell?

What did he say?

What did you say?

What did he say after you'd had your say?

You did say what you had to say, didn't you?

Well, I told him, if that's what you're getting at.

And?

And he went dead quiet, Trace. I thought he was going to storm out the pub or

something. He looked awful.

But?

What do you mean, but?

Well, there has to be a but, or you will be showing more ivory than a grand

piano.

Well?

We're going to that wine bar up the high road tomorrow night, so I think it's

going to be all right.

Oh, that's smashing.

I just think, Trace, if we can make a go of it this time next year, I could be

knitting nappies.

Oh,

go on, you stupid toy, love.

I thought I'd be in there from Monday to Saturday.

Not exactly flush with success, eh? Apart from anything else, you can't

kitten in that musical.

I bent over to pull up my knickers and I got way too tired.

When did you... Four weeks' time, fingers crossed. I think the kids set up

mobile disco in there.

Still, you must be excited.

Yeah, I am.

I couldn't buy your airbrush, could I? Yeah, of course you couldn't.

You've got any kitties?

No, but I'm hoping too soon.

See how things work out, you know. You can't wait to have them, and then when

you do, you wish you'd plumped for two weeks in Lorette instead.

Plumped for?

That's good, then. Oh, don't remind me.

Cheers.

Well, good luck, then. You and all. See you in Mothercare.

Oh, you've met, have you? We've gone chatting in the low.

Lynne, this is Sharon.

Sharon, this is my wife, Lynne.

What about electricity shares?

You what?

As a gift for my nephew.

£500 worth of electricity shares.

That would really show Geoffrey who's the poor relation.

Stocks and shares don't exactly have sentimental value, do they, Dawn?

Marcus Cliff is his goodnight.

So how do you think Sharon's getting on?

Knowing that nasty little sister of mine, she's probably proposed to Dave by

now. I hope she plays it cool.

The last thing you should do is show a man you're desperate.

Tell that to the plumber you wouldn't let out of your utility room, love.

You know them both.

Who do you think is the right kind of man for Sharon, Chris or Dave?

No contest.

Dave's honest.

Thoughtful, sweet, wouldn't hurt a fly.

So, we'll have the baby in with us till we move somewhere larger.

We want the proper nursery and everything, don't we, Dave?

Yeah. He's made this lovely mobile from a photo in one of my magazines.

Ducks and bunnies. It's ever so sweet.

They've always wanted to have a baby.

How long did you know him?

A couple of years ago now.

You used to knock around a bit, didn't you, darling?

Yeah.

Had a laugh.

Nothing serious.

Sharon was saying she's hoping to have a kiddie soon, Dave. I bet she'll make a

great mother, don't you think?

Smashy.

Who's the proud father to Bebe?

Oh, they're all fighting over me.

Mel Gibson, Jeremy Paxman, Julian Clary.

Those loos are terrible, Dave. Couldn't swing a kitten.

I bent over to pull up me knickers and I got wedged tight.

Yeah, yeah, you already said.

Still, I can give Gerry Copley's tent back when this little monster pops out.

You will let me know if I can pass you on any of my maternity dresses, Sharon.

Only they cost a fortune to buy and you never get enough wear out of them, do

you? Yeah, I will, cheers, thank you.

Look, I've got a bit of red ochre. I think I'll be on the right. Oh, have

Must be the music in here. Yeah, you get a phone.

I'll help you find a cab.

Sharon, wait!

You know what it does to give it another try and you set me up.

I've tried to tell you about Lynn in the pub, but you were too busy dropping

your scud missile.

You should have said.

All right, I'd have been upset, but at least I'd have known the truth.

Look who's talking.

The whopper you told me. You should have a bigger nose than Pinocchio.

Any of us were ready to be parents.

And now I am.

You're going to have to find some other bloke to do the business.

Ain't you, Sharon?

Still, I've got something out of all this.

Oh, yeah?

And what's that?

I've found out what scumbag you are.

Me? At least I didn't drag some other poor sod into this dog's mess like you

your Lynn.

Don't bring her into it.

Why not? You did. You deserved it. Yeah, but she didn't.

Now you go in there and apologise right now.

I'll tell you something, Dave.

You are going to make the world's worst father if you can't stop behaving like a

kid yourself.

How could I have been so stupid?

I mean, what sort of idiot am I, eh?

Have I got kick -me tattoos on me bum or something?

It wasn't a great success, I take it.

The only reason Dave invited me out tonight was to introduce me to the

wife.

Only she weren't so little.

She was eight months pregnant.

Oh, Sharon.

I do know how you feel.

You don't, Dawn. I do.

One of my indiscretions introduced me to his wife at a party.

What did you do?

I gave him quite a mouthful the next time we met at our usual motel.

His poor wife. Oh, she didn't mind. She was carrying on with a tennis coach.

Oh, I mean Dave's wife.

I really liked her, Dore.

And he used her just to take a pop at me. Well, if he was prepared to do that,

you're better off without him.

I know. And be honest, Sharon.

Weren't you quite prepared to use him, too?

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose I was.

All right, I know I ain't come out of this exactly smelling of roses, but...

It's just I'd love a kid before it's too late. You've got plenty of time.

But I don't mean... Anybody. If I don't have a baby suit... You'll turn into a

spoilt, unfulfilled little madam like me.

I don't mean that, doll.

No.

But my mother does.

Don't you ever wish you had kids?

Sometimes.

When I need an excuse to see Bambi again.

Or when I see Geoffrey's children playing angelically in the garden.

You see, there comes a point when you have to choose.

Children or beige carpets?

I opted for carpets.

So you don't regret it then?

Of course not.

Actually, my last therapy thought my interest in young men stemmed from my

having children.

Could have a point now.

No.

I think it's more due to the fact that young men look good without their

on.

You've got him late.

Yeah.

Breakfast. I can do you a nice big fry -up if Garfield hasn't had his way with

the bacon and eggs. Coffee will do, Tracey.

You're hungover, ain't you?

That Dave always knew how to put it away.

He never even got it out.

Sorry.

I'm hungover, but it's got nothing to do with Dave.

You did meet him.

Oh, yeah, I met him.

And I had one glass of House White with him.

I got rat -arsed with Dorian.

Dorian was there too.

Start the beginning, shall we? And he'd lost me.

I met Dave at the wine bar.

And I met Mrs. Dave too.

He brought his mum.

He brought his wife.

Oh, shall.

He's never married.

And about to become a daddy.

Honestly, Trace, that bloke's got more lead in his pencil than potluck.

And then he let you find out by bringing his wife along.

The lying toe rag.

Dorian reckons I'm better off without him.

What's she got to do with all this?

I went round to see her after I got back from the wine bar.

Oh.

Had a bit of a chat.

Then we cracked open a bottle of Marcus's best brandy.

And watch your sweaty bit from Dirty Dancing half a dozen times.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

You don't like Patrick Swayze.

You know what I'm talking about. Why did you pour your art out to Dorian?

I don't know. I thought she'd understand.

Oh, whereas I'd just laugh and say, serves you right, I suppose.

It's different for you, Trace. You've had girls.

I needed to talk to someone that hasn't had kids. See how she feels about it.

And how does she feel about it?

I don't think she regrets it. No?

Then why's she always going on about how she's failed her mum by not having

kids? Because Dorian enjoys guilt the way you and I enjoy Jimmy now and a

chocolate oven.

I wish you'd told me, Shell. Maybe I could have helped.

Oh, no, Trace.

It's just I felt such a press.

You said all along I was daft to expect too much from Dave.

You'll meet someone.

And you'll make a great mum.

It only does it to wind me up. Oh, yeah, and when you were a kid, you played

your sex pistol so quietly dogs could hear it.

That was different. That was music.

It's a kid's shell.

It's what kids do.

And it's what your cute little baby, when you have one, is going to grow

No. God was never a cute little baby.

Was he?

Come on, Tracy, it'll take you out of yourself.

I don't need taking out of myself. I'm quite happy staying in with myself.

You look worn to a trezzle. Which is why the last thing I need is not out with

you two, old tart.

To be honest, I'm not really in the mood myself, but I thought Sharon needed

cheering up after that day's business.

What a martyr.

Where are you going, anyway?

To that new club down Woodford.

See if we can find a couple of Patrick Swayze lookalikes. I plan to mother them

and Sharon's interviewing fathers -to -be.

Oh, come on. Trace, come with us. Let your hair down for a change. I can't.

Garfield's last night.

Which is a thoughtless little word, but he's spending with his mates down the

bowling alley. Look, you'll feel less sad about him going back to school if

come out with us.

You can sew his prison numbers on tomorrow.

I can't.

I've got to iron his rug, a kit, mend his blazer and help him pack.

We tried, Sharon.

You can't say we didn't try.

Are you sure you're up to this? And aren't I out with Doreen? You could wake

tomorrow in a Mexican prison.

To be honest, I weren't that wild about the idea.

I think she needs cheering up after all the agglomeration she gets from her mum.

Oh, come on, Sharon. All the best ones will be taken.

Keep food over, mate.