All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s03e01 Keeping Up Appearances

When you are far away And

I am blue What will I do When

I'm alone

50p.

Now off you go, dear.

Do what?

There's a spudgy like round the corner.
You can have a baked potato and a cup of

tea. And you can have a bottle of
peroxide and a knuckle sandwich.

Duck up careful. Oh, the bag lady will
come.

What are you staring at, Vidal?

Well, be fair, Sharon. You don't exactly
look like you're on your way to tea

with the Queen Mum.

Well, I've been cleaning myself into a
muck sweat, haven't I?

You want to see the state the man from
Atlanta has left my flat in?

Honestly, Trace, I tell you, this sublet
in luck ain't worth the aggro.

Well, I did warn you about having a
circus performer staying in your flat.

Yeah, but how was I to know he kept his
performing seals in the bathroom?

The whole flat is ankle -deep in fishes.

And the smell.

Mmm, I know.

But mind you, seals are lovely.

In their place?

But not in my place.

Oh. Remember when we took Garfie up
Chesiton for his fifth birthday?

I weren't there.

Yes, you was.

You had that burger. Gave you food
poisoning.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Me only thought for eating mincemeat in
a zoo.

Especially as they was culling the
camels at the time.

Oh, and didn't Garfie love that seal
what balanced his balls on the end of

line?

Mind you, we'd all like to meet someone
that could do that.

But until we do, I'll just have to make
do with winning the premium bonds.

Really? How much?

A hundred quid.

Oh, Tracey, it's like a shaft of light
in a world full of seal droppings.

Hang about.

This ain't yours.

You what?

It's made out to Chris.

So?

We're still husband and wife.

What's his is mine and what's mine is
mine and all.

What? Ain't you getting any fun?

Only if I can't get his signature right.

Sharon. I've been practising. and on the
bus. Here, what do you reckon?

I don't know.

Looks like it was written by a semi
-literate nine -year -old.

Success! Chris to a T.

Now, all we've got to do is take it into
your basement and give me the acres.

But this is Chris's money. We'll be
stealing it.

Only technically.

Anyway, what about all the money he
nicked out of my purse over the years?

Sharon, two wrongs don't make a right.
I'd be a party to Seth.

What?

That's rich coming from someone whose
lifestyle is the fruit of armed robbery.

That ain't the point.

Anyway, money's a bit tight for me and
all at the moment, but that's only

because you're spending it all on your
barnet. But you wouldn't catch me

stealing off my own husband.

And Chris won't catch me if you pay that
into your bank account.

No way.

Thank you very much.

It's alright, she's my sister.

No, she ain't. I've never seen her
before in me life.

Oh, you fear?

What? What?

Sugar?

Blimey, them roll -ups, they're nasty.

Can't say I noticed.

Oh, lovely.

No, no need.

Blimey, give that a portion, eh?

Farrell? Oh, what? Sorry, sugar. Just
slipped out, as the flasher said to the

gym mistress.

That ain't funny.

Makes me laugh.

Oh, how you been?

Not bad.

Hmm. Dreadful outbreak of squips the
other week. Went for the whole wing.

A seat on the boat was in more demand
than a cut final ticket.

Lovely, Chris.

Charming. Anything else I can pass on to
Nigel Dempster?

Er, no, no, no. That was a highlight of
my week.

Well, I've got something that'll put the
colour back in your cheeks.

Eh?

Blimey!

I read Spons!

Hey, magic.

I thought you'd be chuffed.

Give it back to us, then I'll look after
it for you. Get off.

Ah, now you can lodge it with the
governor.

Then I can use it for some of life's
little luxuries. You know, extra six,

decent shampoo.

That's off toilet paper. If only.

Hey, what's all this?

What? My signature all over the
envelope.

Well, I was going to cash it for you,
then slug would have readied it. No, you

weren't. You was going to keep it.

You blood -sucking cow.

It's not enough I'm languishing in here.

Languishing? Get you!

Languishing in here because I went
outside the law to try and make a better

for us.

Oh, right!

So when you were doing all that screwing
around, it was just so I could catch up

on my beauty sleep of a night, eh?

What? You'd have to kit for a ten
stretch before the yaw looks any good.

That's you off my visiting list. I never
want to see you again.

Can I have that in writing?

Come on.

That's the second time she's been
chucked out of somewhere this week.

Went for a transfer to the kitchens last
Wednesday.

No, I'm not helping.

What did I do?

What happened to you?

He really gives me the ump. Oh, he can
still do that to you after two years

inside. You sure you don't love him
still, Deep Dan?

That's exactly where I would love him.

Deep Dan, about six feet.

What's the matter with Daryl?

Nothing. Why?

Could say something.

No, but I could see.

I mean, he's clothed and he ain't
shaved.

And I haven't read no book on etiquette
that recommends picking your nose and

wiping it on the underneath of a table.

He never.

He's really let himself go, Trace.

You ain't noticed it, seeing him once a
week.

But I ain't been here for a couple of
months. I can see the change.

He is going downhill faster than Cyril
Smith on a Teflon -coated sledge.

Don't be so stupid. It's just your
imagination.

Oh, it ain't. You've only got to look at
him.

I mean, Dale used to be really smart.

Take a pride in his appearance.

He looks like an entrant in the Wurgle
Garage look -a -like contest.

Look, just shut it or you'll be getting
the train home.

And he ain't washed his hair since
Maggie Thatcher got the big E.

I know he was fond of us, but he don't
have to go to morning.

That's it.

I wonder... Trace?

Trace, the door!

Trace, don't look at that!

I'll give her disappeared.

I spent a fortune on a Mexican takeaway
and she goes walkabout.

If anything happens to her, I'll never
forgive myself.

Do you think we should find the police?

No, I think we should have a drink. Make
you feel better.

Now, you knock back the tequila,

lick the salt, and bite the lime.

do you bite the line, lick the salt, and
knock back the finger?

There. Feel better?

I'll do a bit.

Is she it?

Shall. I'm really, really sorry.

Sorry? Sorry?

That lot of good sorry is abandoning me
in the middle of Kent.

after five minutes, but you dropped it.

Oh, Kent popped it.

That's very good.

Of course I'd hopped it.

I'd started the long and painful 39 and
a quarter mile hike back to Chickwell

that night.

How can I make it up to you, Shell?

Just let me know.

Well, for a start, you can get me a new
pair of trainers with some loose feet to

go in them.

Tell you what, you can have a nice
jacuzzi later. Stuff to get still.

Dinner is served.

What's all this with the loins on?

Oh, that's how Patrick Swayze drank it
in Ghost.

Before or after he got killed?

Well, I can't get nothing out of this.
Yes, well, you had to suck harder.

Well, we ain't all had the same amount
of practice as you did.

I'm here to be insulted.

It's always going round your mouth,
isn't it?

Oh, it's funny curry, isn't it? It's not
curry, it's Tex -Mex.

Tex -Mex?

Isn't that a dry cleaning process?

Chili, enchiladas, tortillas, guacamole,
salsa.

All right, all right.

Oh, you've memorised the Brazilian
football team, have you?

Sister?

I can't remember.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

It's a chilli pepper, that's right.
Whatever you do, don't bite it.

You know, it's quite tasty, really, this
Mexican food.

How come you know it's exactly 39 and a
quarter mile back from Mace, though?

From the Tacoma in this French Arctic.
Well, give me a lift.

And here's me feeling all guilty.

Oh, well, it serves you right.

No thanks to you. I didn't have to walk
it on.

You got a ride in a French lorry?

Ah, what was the driver like?

Did he have stubble and a grubby vet and
a half -smoked deep blur stuck to his

lower lip?

And a big French stick in his shopping
bag.

How long did it take you so long to get
back?

Tried it on, didn't he?

We'd only been on the road ten minutes
when he said he had to pull over for

three hours or he'd exceed his legal
limit.

And then he asked me, did I know that
all these big lorries have a little sort

of bedroom behind the cabin?

They don't.

Where exactly were you when you found
this list?

Give map references if possible.

Then... He said he really liked me.

And this is after ten whole minutes?

A dirty trucker.

He said, did I know how lonely it was on
the road and that you hadn't been with

a woman since you brought Mick?

And did I realise that I was sitting on
the one thing every red -blooded truck

driver dreams about?

And what did you say?

I said, I'm sorry if I've melted your
yonky, mate.

aren't you?

Yeah.

Actually, he was a born -again
Christian.

He spent the entire time trying to get
me to see the lights.

How come you two get all hot and
bothered about some sweaty, stubbly,

-smoking, froggy truck driver? Just
because my Daryl's let himself get a bit

untidy. Yeah, but your Daryl ain't
French, is he? Exactly. You have to be

galloped to get away with body odour.

Oh! So she's admitted to you that her
old man's got a bit whiffy, has she? No.

I was just telling Dorian how you
thought Dale had changed a little. It's

surprising.

He has been locked up for two years with
a thousand hairy, unwashed, tattooed

death varieties.

I think Dorian's just decided where to
take her summer holiday.

What bothers me is if he's like this now
after two years, what's he going to be

like when he comes back?

Right? Where'd that come from?

from a seething, unconscious maelstrom
that is the real Tracy Stubbs. All

I admit Daryl's become sort of a...
Well, a bit of a... A who? Slut?

A last joe.

No, I didn't mean it as an insult, but
it is fascinating the way our husbands

have changed.

See, when I first met Marcus, he was a
sexual dynamo.

Yeah?

What happened?

I think his sandbelt snapped.

But he's been on the right gaunt, don't
you, Cheryl?

Waiting for Daryl, saving meself for
him, while he's busy drooling over other

blokes' wives that turn up for visiting
with their knockers hanging out.

Well, if you put it like that, Trace...
Well, if Daryl's personality has been,

well, coarsened in prison, you might
have to try to adapt to him.

Are you saying I should start dressing
like a slag on visiting day two? No, of

course not.

Not if you don't want to.

Well... If you don't want to try to
adapt to him... Oh, I should give him

Pull me wedding ring and never see him
again, is that it?

It worked for me, Trace.

So you're saying Daryl's not the same
Daryl I married?

He's not the same Daryl I had my garcy
with?

He's not the same Daryl I love?

Well... Go on.

Get out.

Sing your rock. Get out.

Excuse me?

times in one week. Is this a record?

What are you doing in here?

Well, I can't get thrown out of here,
can I? I can only get thrown in.

Yeah, sorry about last night.

I reckon it was the tequila talking.

Or the line.

I'm sorry about yesterday and all.

I shouldn't have gone on about Daryl
turning into a... Well, I shouldn't

Well, he has changed.

No point denying it.

Here, Shell.

When was it you first realised you was
falling out of love with Chris?

I think it was when he kept calling me
Mount Olympus during his wedding speech.

True. Look, here's a nice fat letter
from Daryl.

I bet it's full of his usual lovey
-dovey stuff.

Oh, I love him. He must have written it
straight after the visit.

Dirty sod.

Can you believe this?

My darling Tracy.

It's hardly grounds for divorce.

Sorry about clocking Wiggins' missus
today, but she was an eyeful, weren't

Mind you, I don't think God endowed her
with any more than he gave you. Only

Wiggins reckons she's got this uplift
bra, and he reckons it can turn lemons

into melons at a squeeze.

Why don't you get one? And while you're
at it, what about wearing stockings on

your next visit?

You don't want a wife.

He wants a page -free bird.

Of course he does.

You'll just have to do.

Thanks for sending the visit in all day.

It's all right.

Only after we had our Barney, when you
implied you didn't want to see me again

until my funeral. Well, that was before
this telly message, weren't it?

I mean, I can't bear a grudge now, can
I?

Suppose not.

Fessy winning a premium bonds, two
months running, eh?

It's chronic, isn't it, eh?

You know, my mum bought me two premium
bonds when I was born, and they're about

to sniff in 35 years, and then they come
up two months running.

500 quid!

Yeah!

500 quid.

This could change my life in here, you
know.

I mean, with money behind me, I could
improve myself.

I could become a loan shark.

All right, calm down a minute, don't
call the enemy.

What? What is it?

I want to talk to you about Dara.

Yeah?

Have you noticed anything different
about him lately?

Well, apart from the fact he's become a
Buddhist monk.

I'm serious, Chris.

Ah, can't say I noticed nothing.

Then again, I don't see that much of
him. You know, we ain't cellies no more.

Why?

I think he's gone a bit funny.

He's let himself go.

He's writing crude, unfeeling letters to
Tracy, suggesting things that really

upset her.

Yeah? Like what?

Mind your own.

Look, I want you to have a word with
him. Sort him out.

Otherwise, he's going to lose her. Yeah,
well, I can't exactly spin into his

cell and do an advert for marriage, can
I?

I mean, I wasn't exactly the best
husband in the world, was I?

You weren't the best husband in our
flat.

Well, I admit it.

Some of the things I've done I feel
really bad about.

Good. Like when I pulled your maid of
honour at our wedding reception.

You what?

I thought you knew.

I do now.

Look, let's bury the hatchet. I'd love
to, Chris, but the screw's confiscated

it.

Now, come on, what are we going to do
about Daryl? I want you to talk to him.

All right, all right, I'll talk to him.

You swear?

You know I do. It's a bad habit, but...
Oh, please.

Swear on your mum's life.

Oh, no, no, no, I can't do that.

Shame being well recently.

I'll tell you what, I swear on your
life.

Just tell him.

All right, all right, I'll talk to him,
no problem.

Hey, hey, hey, where's me winnings?

They're right there.

What?

Don't be a bigger veg than God's already
made you.

Nobody wins a premium bath two months on
the trot. No, but this shirt was just a

stroke to get him to see you.

What? You devious cow.

You want to watch yourself doing a
vicious thing like that? I've got some

friends on the outside.

Shut up, you prat.

Right.

You think I'm going to sort Daryl out
for you now? What are you talking about?

Hey, Chris.

Don't do it for me. Do it for him.

All right, Dale.

So, so. What you been up to?

I just had a visit from Sharon.

Been to love?

Oh, yeah.

Wish I'd known.

What am I seeing her again?

I said Sharon.

Yeah, I know.

The way she belted you the other day
made quite an impression on me.

Me and all.

You know what I mean?

It's got to be a bit of a game bird,
hasn't it, eh?

Oh, I wouldn't know.

Never used to play many home games.

I had a saucy dream about her the other
night.

She's got quite tasty ginseng last
night.

Or is it we've been in here too long?

We've been in here too long.

I don't think it could be that, because
I can still appreciate classical

feminine beauty. I mean, I could strump
that all night.

Yeah, no, no, no, I want to talk to you
about it. Yeah, get your paws off it.

I'll give Smudge a five snout for that.
No, but you never used to like pin -ups.

Used to be happy with him. Nice photos
of Tracy.

Yeah. But your memory needs a bit more
of a jump start after a couple of years

in this place.

Yeah.

Wiggins reckons that the next time his
missus comes in, he's promised not to

wear no knickers.

What about that then, eh?

What, is she on the... What does she do
for a living then?

Psychiatric social worker.

You know what?

You're right about Tracy's picture.

That's terrible.

I know, but if you're squint, it's all
right.

When it gets dark.

Neil, what's it got to do with you?

Yeah, all right.

Card's on the table.

Look, Sharon reckons Tracy thinks you've
become crude and unfeeling.

She says Tracy's all upset about that
letter you sent her. I mean, I don't

what you wrote in it.

I just asked her to flash a bit more
flesh next visit, that's all.

What's crude and unfeeling about that?
She's my wife.

I'm entitled.

I mean, well, Tracy ain't like that.

I bet you'd be right choked if she was.

I mean, look, how long do you reckon
Wiggins' missus is going to stay

then, eh?

About two seconds when I get my hands on
her. Well, bear you warning, like Tracy

says, crude and unfeeling.

I mean, well, look at the state of you.

What state?

Nothing, nothing.

No, no, Chris, come on.

You've got something to say.

You say it.

I can take it.

All right, fair enough.

Well, you got worse stubble than Yasser
Arafat.

Your hair looks like a straw pig's sleep
on and your niff like a camel enclosure

at a zoo.

Oh, you said you could take it. I was
lying.

Daryl Stubbs, you're a total waste of
space.

I've brought some of my most effective
outfits.

She don't want to go.

No, where is she?

Up there.

So, what's all this I hear about you not
visiting Daryl today?

Thank you, Sharon. Why don't you put an
advert in the paper while you're at it?

Just because... of your man desires a
little harmless titillation.

You told her everything?

Yes. No.

No.

Yes.

Look, Tracy, can I say something?

No. Thank you.

I think you are overreacting to Daryl's
letter. You can't blame him for noticing

this Sonia Wiggins.

Noticing? His thumb was hanging out so
far and then he broke his jaw.

But it's not his fault. Put yourself in
his place.

Suppose you were banged down.

Up.

And he was visiting you. Wouldn't you
want him to, well, make an effort?

Well, I wouldn't want him to turn up my
Lorax G -string, letting it all hang

out.

Can't you meet him halfway?

He's not allowed out.

I mean, indulge his baser needs a
little. After all, you do owe him

He is your husband.

That's right, coming from you.

Look, I just happened... to have a few
outfits here.

Oh, you usually walk around with half a
dozen dresses, drapes on your arm, do

you? Do you want my help or not?

Go on, Trace, give her a chance.

Oh, all right, Trace, what you got?

Well, this one I wore to my arty Clara's
funeral.

You wore that to your funeral?

Well, she was being buried by a very
hunky rabbi.

You pulled a rabbi?

Well, it was a very liberal
congregation. Besides, he was single.

Well, you weren't. But he didn't know
that.

Now, this got me through my driving test
four years ago.

Oh, it's fabulous, doll.

It won't fit me. I bet it would.

Go on, try it on.

You'll make Daryl's day.

All right, give us a year.

I didn't know you'd only been driving
four years, doll.

I've been driving since 1971.

I just... I just went through a phase
where I really fancied driving

I think it was the way they said, when I
bang this on the dash, I want you to

stop immediately.

Bang what on the dash?

Well, what do you think?

You look great, Trice.

You're really going to make Daryl's
fault now.

Hello, doll.

You look great.

Yeah, well, I thought it was about time
to pack in the old dirty protest.

Yeah? Yeah, plus Chris took me aside and
told me some home truths.

Good for him.

Did you bank him?

No, not exactly.

You look like you've been up for dance
for soon or something.

Yeah, well, next best thing.

There's a bloke on our land and he used
to have his own salon up west until he

got stopped at customs with a kilo of
grass stuffed inside his Carmen Roland.

Give it a works.

Hair, facial.

Manicure? And you did all this for me?

Well, for us, yeah.

We've both got to make an effort to keep
this marriage going, eh?

Yeah.

I suppose you could say she's making an
effort.

Well, just like that, she's probably
making a fortune.

So you wouldn't like me to come here
with everything on show lights?

Oh, that letter, huh?

It wasn't really me. I was going through
a bad patch.

Why don't you take your coat off? You're
staying, aren't you?

Oh.

It's baking in here.

Boiler's been on the blink ever since a
couple of mad jocks tried to use it to

make some whiskey.

Go on.

Take it off. You won't get the benefit.

All right.

Is that a new dress?

No, I've had it cut the months.

Why? Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?

Doesn't really show much cleavage,
though, does it?

Leave it out.

You're not that kind of girl.

Thank God.