Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you?

Sorry.

Vic, can we hit it?

Sit back and push off.

I can't, Vic.

It's like Mastermind.

I've started, so I've got to finish.

It's a little bit...

Hello, Chrissie.

Oh, hello, pal.

Just keeping your feet warm for you.

You know, Kip had two grand poker winnings. He told me to whistle for it.

he whistled for us.

So we bought the debt. And now you owe us three grand.

Three grand? Be fair.

It'll be four next month.

It's like the Chancellor says.

Interest rates are a crude weapon.

Well, they were.

We all know about crude weapons, don't we, Chrissie?

Yeah, where am I going to get my hands on three grand?

You could sell your body to medical science.

If they'll have it after we finish with it.

OK,

girls, so this is the tiebreaker.

Cupid already knows Steve's secret movie fantasy, but you have to guess. Is it

A, to make wild, passionate love on a beach as the tide sweeps in, like Burt

Lancaster in From Here to Eternity?

B,

to lie on a huge four -poster while a beautiful woman disrobes to Ravel's

Bolero, like Dudley Moore in Ten?

Or C, to find an unusual use for half a pan of Lurpac like Marlon Brando in Last

Tango in Paris?

it over.

Don't you want to know who wins and where they're going to go on their

to know you mini break?

I couldn't give a monkey's romancing the stones on this side in a minute.

See, you're a sucker for a bit of romance, same as everyone else.

Here, Trace, where would you go on your getting to know you mini break?

I don't want to get to know someone. I've got my Daryl.

Yeah, but suppose you was with some bloke that was personally chosen for you

Cupid, the love computer.

What a load of old cons. You can't fall in love by computer.

Who's talking about love?

I'm talking about a week's free leg over in the sun.

That's really disgusting, is it? I can't imagine what sort of woman would go on

a show like that.

Expose herself to all that ridicule. Surrender her self -respect and dignity.

So you won't want a ticket when I'm in it next month, then?

What? You're going to be on the telly?

Pull the other one.

I'll pull them all if I get the chance.

Asma, look at that.

Got caught in a door.

Door all right, is it?

It's not funny.

Here, shell.

You don't reckon you can lay your hands on three grand, do you?

I'd heard you could get mind -expanding drugs inside.

Why? Ah, don't matter.

So what's new?

I've come to talk to you about the divorce.

I thought you was going to knock that on the head.

No, not really.

I just said I wouldn't force the issue unless I met another bloke.

What? And you have?

Met some dickhead who wants to marry you?

Not yet, but I'm about to.

Eh?

You know, second time lucky.

Yeah, that's my favourite programme.

I'm on it next month.

They say you've got a beauty ball, so if they check... Who are you trying to

kill?

You can't do this.

I'm not having my wife get off with some ponce in front of 10 million people.

I'd better light this like a sea wing.

Sounds like ground for the boat to me.

Why didn't she take her key?

Dorian, what is it?

Luke.

What do you mean old?

I don't know what to do.

What happened?

He's gone.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, you've fallen out with Luke before, haven't you? Well, not

We've had our ups and downs.

Now he's admitted completely out of the blue. He's been two -timing me for

months.

And I just thought he was tired.

Tracy, he's been seeing another woman.

No, a child.

Tracy, she's 19.

How can I compete with a 19 -year -old?

I don't know.

We're in here, Shell.

Blimey, it's Alice Cooper.

He just didn't feel we were going anywhere.

But you used to take him out all the time, don't you?

Sharon, shut it.

I don't know what to do.

Luke was so... He was so... He made

me feel so...

forever. Sooner or later the man gets bored.

You've seen Dallas.

Sing it, Aubrey.

As the song says, breaking up is hard to do. Oh, what do you know?

When have you ever had a relationship with someone you really cared about?

Don't judge me, Dorian.

You don't know anything about my past life.

You don't know how I cried and cried when Stu Summers said I couldn't go to

party.

I was really in love with him.

We was practically engaged in everything.

You remember him, don't you, Trace?

No.

Stu Summers.

St Thomas Abney Junior Mix.

The little kid with the swing.

Oh,

pay no attention to her, Dorian.

Look, maybe this gives you a chance to save your marriage.

I mean, if you put half the energy into your marriage you put into your affair

with Luke...

This is right. This is your chance to make something of your marriage.

I mean, let's face it, do I?

Pulling young blokes is going to get harder and harder.

And do you reckon you can go on lifting it all up, tucking it all in and putting

it all away?

You can't defy gravity forever, you know.

Thank you, Sharon.

No, I only meant... No, no, no.

I mean it.

Thank you.

You're right.

I don't know what you're all so chirpy about.

I'm not into the MacArthur's for three grand, am I? Well, it's not funny.

What am I going to do, Del?

Well, you could go and be the governor.

Apply for Rule 43.

Oh, yeah, yeah, great choice, that, yeah.

Do the rest of me time banged up in Ewing.

With the poncies, perverts and poisoners.

You made your bed? Yeah, hospital bed.

I can't remember how to do it.

All right.

Here you are.

I need cash, not flesh.

Help me take your mind off things.

I'm not in a mood.

Read the mooring articles then.

No one reads Mayfair.

I do.

Eventually.

If you don't straighten the McCarthy's, the motoring articles will be the only

thing that still raise your interest.

I do not believe this.

Yeah. Newquay's nudist district nurse. A bit bad for the blood pressure, isn't

she? Stuff her.

You'd have to buy her dinner first.

Look, I mean this.

What about it?

It's a message from your bubble car.

I can read.

So? So...

Have you got anything I can write a letter to Sharon on?

Hmm.

You killed me.

You've completely ruined a £600 suit.

Marcus, I'm sorry.

What are you doing home on a Tuesday night? Shouldn't you be at your modern

creative dance or something?

I stubbed my toe.

Oh, look at this.

I'm shattered.

I'm going to go straight upstairs and have a steam shower.

Bring me up to Edam and Cornish Wapers, would you please?

Marcus, come into the dining room a moment.

Why? Humour me.

If this is another one of your surprise parties, I still haven't recovered from

paying for the last one yet.

Mark, don't move.

Oh, my God!

What have I forgotten?

It's not your birthday or our anniversary, I know, because the alarm

off. I just thought it would be pleasant if we sat down together like when we

were first married and had a delicious home -cooked meal.

You've invited your mother to live here.

God forbid.

You haven't smashed the new lotus? No.

Well, then what?

Nothing.

It's just we hardly ever see each other. I mean, I'm always rushing out as

you're rushing in.

Our marriage will suffer if we aren't careful.

Point taken. I'll be careful.

Now I'm going to bed.

All right.

The food doesn't matter.

Let's go upstairs together and have a steam shower.

I want my cheese.

You know what we really need is a few days away together to recharge our

batteries, to talk, to laugh, to make love.

Why don't we go away next weekend?

I can't next weekend. I'm going to Milan.

You didn't tell me.

I did. I'm sure I did. It doesn't matter because I've got an even better idea.

Why don't I go to Italy with you?

Then I could do some shopping while you work. You must be kidding.

If I let you go shopping in Milan, the company will have to go into

Chris, uh, your husband.

Here, Jake, what do you reckon?

Think it'll do for a second time lucky?

It's a bit layered, isn't it?

I intend to be.

People up and down the land will be adjusting their contrast when Sharon's

Weren't cheap, though. £18 .99 from Littlewood. Excuse me, please.

Here, Daryl says you're Chris -ing a bit of bother.

My Chris?

No, I don't have a Chris. I used to know a Chris.

He needs your help.

Del says Chris is writing to you.

I'll read it, shall I?

You must.

I know what it's this.

Please come and see me. Please come and see me.

My darling Sharon.

He's after something.

I don't want to bother you.

Lawyer. But I've been having some money problems lately.

Don't worry.

I won't. Because I've just found out a way to sort it all out with your help.

Needing my help is the weak link in this plan.

How can you be so heartless?

God, I hope it's not Dorian. I know. She's been so depressing, this little

that... Well, answer it, then.

No, you can't wait a minute.

Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt!

Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! Grunt! Grunt! Grunt!

Grunt! If he don't cough up what he owes our boys, you'll be a widow first.

Oh, I thought you'd come with bad news.

That's it, that's so.

It's shut. It's shut?

Well, what do you want?

Er... She in Portsmouth, Aspen, owes my boys three grand in poker debts.

Get out!

If he don't cough up... My boys will do to him what last year's drought did to

the people of Kent.

Eh?

Cut off his water.

And then we'll be round.

Either to collect the money or internal organs to the same value.

It's all right.

It's all right, don't worry.

We ain't worrying.

It's you that should be worried.

Look, I've just had a letter from Chris.

He says he's got everything under control. I can't see him tomorrow.

I'll get your money sorted out then. I swear on my Chrissie's life.

Good. Because I'm not a patient woman.

Rebbit, welcome.

I said I was sorry.

Sorry? The Gravesend ladies' tag team smashes down Tracy's front door and

sorry? She's still shaking, Queen.

Yeah, but I didn't know, did I?

Anyway, like I said in my letter, I've got it all sacked.

Go on, Einstein. Lay it on me.

Look.

Oh!

You know, I was in the army in Germany before we met.

Till they chucked you out.

They did not chuck me out.

The army psychiatrist just said my driving style was a little bit too

for taints and recommended minicabbing.

All right, so?

So, while I was there, I got into this poker school in this little farming

village right on the outskirts of East Berlin.

Because soldiers were allowed across the wall.

And? And I won a Messerschmitt.

Telling me you're the proud owner of a German war plane and we can bomb the

McCarthy bitches.

No. A Messerschmitt bubble card donk brain.

They're collector's items now.

One of them went for ten grand a couple of months ago.

Yeah?

Twizzlers can't have it.

Still in East Germany, innit?

Well, no way would the commies let me bring it back to the West.

The old crap farmer I won it off said...

He'd look after it for me till the Berlin Wall came down.

Well, I thought, fat chance of that.

But now Galby's done the business, all you've got to do is go to East Berlin,

find the car, bring it back, do it up, flog it, dos, dos, dos, loads of money.

Is that all, is it?

What's in it for me?

Well, keep the McCarthy's off your back.

That's not enough.

Yeah. All right.

I'll let you keep half the profits after I pay off the McCarthy's.

No.

Half what it's worth before you pay them.

You're a bloodsucker.

Yeah, all right.

So, where do I get this car, then? Well, the papers are in the safety deposit

box.

You've got a safety deposit box?

Who are you trying to accuse?

Well, actually, it's an old cream cracker tin.

Cost us a greengrocer. He's looking after it for me in his lock -up down

Tottenham. And does this secret box contain enough money for my fare?

Well, your sister can give you it down Tottenham, can't she?

Get that Germany bucket, Ed!

Not to mention hotel expenses.

Food, drink, postcard, souvenirs. Well, like I said, I've got it all stuffed.

I can't wait.

All you've got to do... is win second time lucky pick berlin for your free

and you're off to the races well they don't win oh i've got no worries on that

score your personality is sweet aboard do you reckon yeah

that's always a mouthiest cow with the leery stress

The climax of tonight's show, the love trial.

Sharon, Lorraine, Greg and Barry, you nervous?

Well, don't be. We're just here to have a bit of fun.

I'm not.

I'm here to find true love and happiness.

Right, well, it's ladies first this week. So, girls, imagine this, OK?

You've been married for a couple of years.

and the first flush of passion is fading away like the last rose of summer. In

fact, if you don't put some spice back in your marriage, you could end up on

third time lucky.

So, do you, and this is very serious, do you, A, climb into his bath and massage

him all over with perfumed body balm?

Woo!

B, take all your clothes off while he's driving and persuade him to make love to

you in a lay -by while juggernauts thunder past?

Woo!

Video yourself doing an erotic striptease. Wait until he settles down

sofa to watch the snooker.

Sneakily turn on the video and see if he can go in off the cushion.

Lorraine. Hard one.

I'd say B, Leslie.

Okay, Lorraine says B. What do you say, Sharon?

Why not all three, Liz?

How could you lose?

It was six points clear. I can't believe it.

It's all rigged, isn't it? I didn't stand a chance, did I?

I mean, look at her and then look at me.

They want glamour, not reality.

Then how comes laughing boy won?

He's as doggy as yesterday's cornflakes.

Leslie's not interested in fellas, is he?

Do you see the way he looked at her chest when he said, come on, Lorraine,

you're only two points behind.

I'd like Sharon.

Yeah. Mind you, I can't say I'm looking forward to spending a week away with

Barry.

Why couldn't Greg have won?

Because he's as thick as a McDonald's milkshake.

He only got through to the last round because when he said Luciano Pavarotti

played for Real Madrid, everyone thought he was cracking a joke.

Why? Who does he play for?

Still, winning don't matter.

So long as you're seen.

Of course you'll be seen.

It ain't radio, is it?

No, I mean seen.

By agents, bookers, theatre management.

This show is watched by 13 million people.

Well, my manager reckons we'll be inundated with offers.

Offers of what?

Don't ask.

No.

Pantos, trade shows, telejobs, modelling.

I'm not averse to taking me top off, if it's artistically necessary.

No. Who'd have thought it, Trace?

You could knock me down with a forklift truck.

I think I'll just go and phone me mum.

I think that Lorraine's avoiding me.

Nah, it's just your imagination.

He ain't got an imagination.

Actually, Barry, we've just found out that Lorraine's a pro.

Or an enthusiastic amateur, at least.

Hard luck, Sharon. I thought you had it sewn up.

Still, Sharon didn't really stand a chance, did she?

Not against a seasoned professional.

A what?

I thought this show was for your ordinary people.

I mean, Lorraine's got an agent, a manager, the lot.

You know, I reckon we could make a few bub out of this trace.

If we leaked it to the sun.

Um, don't do anything hasty, Sharon.

I'm sure we can fix something up.

Excuse me just a minute, would you?

David, we're going to have to reshoot the end of the show. I told you, didn't

Lorraine! I was wondering...

And then they reshot

the whole thing in an empty studio. You're truly the winner.

How about that, then?

Well, I'm very pleased for you, but why Berlin?

What's wrong with Berlin? Well, for a dart, it's full of Germans.

I just made it through Berlin, all right?

Here we are.

You don't mind watering the plants while we're gone, do you, Dorian?

Where are you going?

To Berlin with Sharon, of course.

She's my chaperone, isn't she? A chaperone? I thought the whole point of

show was to get the winners together, not keep them apart.

Well, I said I wouldn't go without her.

And if you saw Barry, you'd want a chaperone and all.

Why, he'd be really horny.

The only horny thing about Barry is the buttons on his duffel coat.

So you don't think second time lucky is going to lead to true love?

No, not with Barry.

I want a bloke, not a joke.

How about you, Dorian? Me? Yeah, you.

Managed to recapture your lost youth, have you? No, I have washed my hands of

Luke. Not Luke.

I mean, Marcus.

How's it going?

Oh, it's going quite well, actually. He phones me every night.

No, he's away on business again.

Sure ain't funny business.

Marcus, if his sex drive was the norm, the human race would be extinct.

What?

I could be here at Nicklebolt.

It's Marcus.

With a bird.

Remember when Dorian said he was going away on business?

I said funny business, didn't I?

You shouldn't jump to conclusions.

No.

Reckon he's knocking her off, then?

Sharon. Look how pretty we're made.

What do you think?

Oh, my God, they're coming out.

Sharon! Tracy!

Fancy seeing... What are you... Dorian?

No.

This is... Lucinda.

That's right, this is Lucinda. She's my... Legal advisor.

She's my legal advisor.

We just got back from Italy. We were buying Dorian a little present, and

helped me choose.

They're the same size.

Oh, plucky.

Well, we might dash.

We're off to Berlin.

Oh, really?

Why? For a bit of naughty.

Why else do people go abroad?

All I'm saying is, if you want to be a marriage wrecker, tell Dawn.

We should keep Stum and just let Marcus get away with it, do you? With what?

All he's charged with is that I'm a fool.

He did come out and pick the box with a pretty girl on his arm and a silly

expression on his face.

It's just like Chris.

Likes to put it about a bit and then scuttles on to the little woman.

But what if she walks out on him?

So's it right?

You're so keen on marital honesty.

How come you never graphed Dorian up to Marcus? That's different.

She's a woman.

He's a man.

The enemy within.

Then you send her in this instance.

Lovely.

Beautiful.

Thank you, son.

Thank you.

Oh, he speaks English. He speaks English, Sam.

Have a look. Try champagne.

And a chandelier.

Take a month to clean it.

There's only one bed.

So? It's big enough for you and me, isn't it? That's not the point.

No, the point is that I'm here for a romantic getting -to -know -you holiday.

And this luxurious king -size bed is the intended arena for the climax of the

getting -to -know -you process.

What do you reckon?

Of course.

It's the secret of second time lucky.

People only watch it till you get to drunk.

Room 1129.

Dorian? It's Dorian.

He told us.

He says that we grassed him up so he tries to get in first with our feeble

excuse. Give it to me, I'll put her right. No way.

I'm sorry, Dor.

Just Sharon rabbiting on as per usual.

So, how's Chigwell?

Chigwell is fantastic.

Marcus got back from Elam this afternoon. He was an animal.

He must have been inspired by those gigantic pepper mills the Italians were

always grinding over.

And you'll never guess what he brought me back.

Naughty knickers?

Sharon, how did you guess?

Sharon, you get off that phone, you.

No.

It wasn't a guest door.

We bumped into Marcus at the airport.

Did any say?

No, he didn't mention it.

Ah!

Say no more, honest.

Hello, darling.

Miss me?

Sharon?

Tracy?

Hello, door.

I've just remembered.

We did see Marcus as he was going along the passport control.

You didn't tell me you saw the girls at the airport.

I have more important things to tell you, like how I missed you, how I love

Get off.

Yeah, actually, he was picking out your present in knickerbox.

Knickerbox?

You told me you searched high and low for the sex... lingerie in Milan.

He bought them at the airport.

They took a long time about choosing.

What?

No, he was with his legal advisor.

His legal advisor?

Jeff Sims helped you pick out my knickers?

Describe this legal advisor to me.

I didn't really notice her.

Dorian?

I hope you're satisfied.

You marriage wrecker.

Dorian, where are you going?

It's none of your business.

To your mother's?

You don't think I've got enough problems?

And you will be hearing from my legal advisor.

But the most important thing, Sharon, Barry, is to try to be as relaxed as

possible. I mean, forget about the crew, forget that we're filming it. Just let

it all hang out, OK?

The viewers will love it when people might plonk with themselves on

OK. The first stop tomorrow is the Charlottenburg Palace.

Now, that's a very big palace in the centre of Berlin. Built by Frederick III

1695, his queen, Sophie Charlotte, wasn't it, Andrew?

Okay, and then we're going on to the Olympic Stadium, completed for Hitler's

infamous 1936 Berlin Olympics.

Just a little bit of homework, that's all.

Again, very good.

How may I help you?

Well, this is probably a stupid question, but I'm looking for someone

anything about old Messerschmitt bubble cards.

Messerschmitt cards?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't.

Yeah, the Messerschmitt engineer needs Berlin.

Would you like me to phone him for you?

Oh, yes, please.

He only knows how we won the war.

I don't think you did.

Oh, Sanssouci.

That's French for pancake, isn't it?

No, that's a proxy, Zed.

Oh. You see, during the reign of Frederick the Great, they used to have

fantastic royal dances organised by the Queen in this very palace.

Oh, you mean this is where she held the Emperor's balls for him?

What?

Oh!

You're a one -off, Sharon. Ever been to Newcastle?

Only in the bedroom.

Hello? Hello?

Oh,

I'm sorry to trouble you, but I wanted you to tell me... Why are the English

always sorry?

I'm sorry, but you have trodden on my foot. I'm sorry, but you have stolen my

wallet.

I only want some help finding a car.

What, another Westerner who thinks it's amusing to own a Trabant?

I'm putting a turbocharger in this one for a Hamburg Yuppie.

When I'm finished with it, it will do 0 to 60 in less than a day.

Oh, I'm talking about me Bradbury noise mixer schmick.

Want some pie?

Good. I've got some traveller's checks for me.

I don't want your money, Mel.

Why? What do you think you're doing?

First I clean me, then you take me for an ice cream and tell me about it.

What did you think I was doing?

Nothing.

So, Sharon, how do you find Barry?

Well, I just have to turn around and there he is, right behind me all the

Seriously.

I've got to say that Barry's everything my first husband was.

So, Barry's a potential second husband?

Well, it's only days yet, but he's certainly the opposite of my ex.

Barry's hard -working, knowledgeable, considerate, sober.

What can I say?

Okay, cut that.

Well, that's been perfect, sir.

Of course, you won't be my voice if you do it here.

No, Leslie Crowther will re -voice the questions back in London, won't he,

Andrew?

Yes, Barry.

Yes, he will.

You see, you should use the Synclavier digital double computer.

The X300, I recommend.

You see, it's a much more advanced system of stuff you're using now.

It's all component, you see, isn't it, Andrew?

Do you know, Barry?

We've never had a tragic accident on one of these jobs, but it could be just the

thing to boost the ratings.

What did I say?

Barry, what does the word pillock convey to you?

So if we can find the car, get it done up and flog it, Chris will be able to

off his gambling debt.

The farm still exists.

What do you mean?

There's been a lot of building in Martha since 1975.

Can you come back after work?

I'm not sure.

Don't you trust me?

I don't know you.

That's not what I asked.

Do you know that the alpaca's closest relation is the cobbler?

Well, it's dead side or it's mum.

Well, how did you get on? Did you find it?

Do me a favour.

I've met a man who can, though.

Who? His name's Manfred.

He wants to meet you later.

Great! Not tonight, child pet.

We've got the Reichstag Museum and the Emperor Frederick Memorial Church

tonight. We've got these fantastic stained glass windows. Put a sock in it,

you, Barry?

If you can't come, I don't mind going on my own.

OK.

This Manfred, he wouldn't happen to be a bit of a hunk, would he?

It's not got to do with anything.

Anyway, I don't really know this.

It don't matter anyhow, because I'm coming with you one way or another.

Sharon, can we have you now, please?

We want to do a sequence with the monkey.

Larry, I want you to do a sequence.

OK, Sharon, here we are.

Thomas, we all say.

Trace, do you have one of your shawl shop?

Yeah. Try and get a good shot of Barry and Bonsai.

Sharon, would you like to come and cuddle the chump?

You what?

He's quite tame.

Mind me, of course.

I don't mind holding it. We're descended from animals like this.

And in your case, there's a distinct family resemblance.

Okay, Thomas, are you all ready? Yes. Okay, roll tape.

Barry, could you take the chimp?

Right. Where's the chimp?

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Well, I suppose we'll have

to cancel the rest of today's schedule.

Sorry, Andrew.

And Marcus is distraught.

He's on the phone to me every ten minutes to see if I've heard from you.

suffer. You know what this is all about, don't you?

It's because you've never had children. Mummy, please.

Children make you think twice before you walk out on a husband. I walked out on

him because he went to Milan with a floozy. But why did he? Why do you think

man takes a tart on a business trip?

I mean, what was there in Milan that he can't get in Chigwell? Nothing.

Not now the fresh pasta shop's opened on the parade.

Don't try to be clever with me, Dorian. I'm your mother. I know you better than

you know yourself.

I'm talking about the sex.

Mummy, please.

Men have physical needs that have to be assuaged.

Your father's physical needs, unfortunately, were mainly for fried

Mummy, there is nothing wrong with the sexual pride, believe me. I don't

you. If there were nothing wrong, I'd be a grandmother.

I blame myself.

I brought you up to respect your body, and now you're frigid.

I am not.

All right, future self, don't say that.

Look, you want my advice? Go back to him and sort things out. I can't do that.

Then phone your cousin Jonathan and institute divorce proceedings. I can't

that. But, Doreen, you have to do something. You can't stay in your

house forever.

When are they home? Friday.

They will have four days to make your mind up. Well, can't I come and stay

you when they come back?

Not really, darling. Why not?

Because I have my own life to lead.

What do you mean, your own life? You're my mother.

Bit bleak, innit?

Well, we'll top them.

The view's just improved.

Manfred!

Hello. Hey, you must be Sharon.

I can go back on my own.

This is your farming village Tracy people here you

never know

Welcome

to stream fellows trust

I understand you are looking for my father.

I must warn you, but my father may not part with the car so easily.

Why not?

It's ours.

Yes, but he uses it.

What, he drives around in it? No, he keeps the chicken thinning.

So, we'll give him a few quid and he can build a proper hen house.

Maybe. But I must warn you, he is a very dubious old peasant.

Doesn't sound like you like him a lot.

He used to be a Nazi. Then he became a communist, and now he's a Christian

Democrat. What am I supposed to like? His consistency?

A Messerschmitt tiger?

You didn't say it was a Messerschmitt tiger.

It's very rare.

Shut up, Manfred.

Look at the state of it, though.

Yes, it's covered in Messerschmitt.

Well, can't you help us or what?

It would be a big job.

But you can.

For you, nothing's too big.

What's that?

The old man says he wants 15 ,000 marks.

What?

5 ,000 pounds?

He

says

he knew this car so it was a lot of money in the West.

We haven't got that sort of money.

Pass mal auf, mein Lieber. Wenn du diese Karre jetzt nicht rausrückst, dann

werde ich jedem hier erzählen, dass du ein Stasi -Informant gewesen bist.

Du Schwein.

What was going on?

I told him that if he kept the car, I would tell everybody he used to be a

secret police informer.

You'd shop your own days?

Of course not.

But he can't take that risk.

This is the man who once denounced his own brother for naming his prizepick

Brezhnev.

This is going to take a long time, Tracy.

Why don't you go and find your sister?

No. I'd rather stay and watch you.

Okay.

Good.

Have you always been a mechanic?

No.

First, I studied modern languages at university.

But then they took away my, er... Is that my stipendium?

A grant.

When I was caught breaking the law.

What did you do?

I was caught with a copy of 1984, which, of course, was prohibited.

I watched that film.

No, not the film, the book.

Oh, it was a book and all, was it?

It's true about the British education system.

I didn't really pay much attention at school.

I was far too interested in my Daryl.

Daryl?

Just some boy I went out with.

Gone really quick, hasn't it?

I've enjoyed it, though. Learned a lot.

Even though it's a casualty department, that's very interesting now.

Learning about the German health service.

So, what do we do for the rest of the week, eh, Sharon?

Three full days in Berlin.

All of the BBC's expense.

I've hired us a car, go anywhere we like.

Can't they sound red?

I'd have thought that was the last colour they'd want Berlin painted,

Well, all right, shall we? We don't have to do that. We can go on the over

trams. All right, shall we?

I don't know why you're so hard on Barry.

It's because he won that stupid game show. He actually thinks he's going to

second time lucky with me.

You hypocrite.

What? You only went on that game show because you wanted a week's free Lego.

You got the up with Barry because you don't fancy him.

No.

Yeah.

Still don't stop me wanting to push him under a bus every time I set eyes on

him.

Anyway, what are you and me doing tonight, then?

I'm going out for dinner with Manfred.

Who were?

What do you mean, who were?

I mean, who were.

So should I wait up or what?

It's only dinner, Sharon.

What's for after, though?

Come on, Trace, I can read you like a book.

One of them racy ones where the heroine ends up in the sack with a hunky -crank

mechanic. Do you mind?

All right.

Look me in the eye and say, I don't fancy Manfred.

I didn't say I don't fancy him.

Don't mean I intend to do anything about it.

Anyway, he might not fancy me.

Why should you care?

You're a born -again virgin, aren't you? I've still got feelings, Sharon.

I'm not a robot, you know.

I thought of being unfaithful to my Daryl.

Who's talking about being unfaithful?

Unfaithful is meeting a bloke, moving in with him and filing for divorce.

A little bit of intimacy in a foreign country with a German national dish

being unfaithful.

It's just sort of giving the equipment... a bit of an overhaul.

Otherwise you'll end up like that Messerschmitt Trace, all rusty with bits

falling off.

Look, Sharon, it's just dinner, all right?

All right, all right.

So you've told them about your husband then, have you?

So she still lives in Dresden, your mum?

Yes. And my sister is a doctor in Leipzig. My brother is an engineer in

And we had a dog called Trudy, but she died.

Is there anything else you want to know about me?

What do you mean?

You've asked me all about me, but the one question you haven't asked me is, am

married?

It's none of my business, is it?

Or maybe if you ask me if I'm married, you think I'm married.

But every time I asked you a personal question, you tried to change the

I didn't ask if you'd be helping, did I?

I'm sorry.

I was married.

But it didn't work out.

No children, no broken bones.

You?

Yeah, I'm married.

But we're not living together at the moment.

Never want to do What am I to do?

Can't help it Love

always been my game Play it how I may

I was made that way Can't

help it

If you had told me one year ago I would drink champagne in a luxury hotel in the

West with a beautiful English woman.

If you told me a year ago, I'd be... Never mind.

So now what?

It's up to you.

I know it's up to me.

It's the trouble.

But you do like me.

Of course.

Good.

That is good.

Because, Tracy, I think I'm falling in love with you.

Hello.

Samaritans.

This is Dorian Green.

What do you mean, again?

All right, I'll hold.

two slags. What?

Your girls.

The ugly sisters. Where are they?

They're in Berlin.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm Barbara Cartland.

I've read your groin torn out by a hungry pitiful terrier.

Oh, God.

Not my groin.

And men tell us that Theo Popolopoulos doesn't cough up.

So you better tell your daughters if they don't get the money.

My daughter?

That's right, love.

And just to show we ain't plonking about.

Nice.

Hazel, jab it.

Do not disturb.

Please, Sharon.

Lucky cat.

She thinks I'm spending the night with Barry.

Oops. Sorry.

Look, I'll come back in half -hour, shall I?

Or 45 minutes, if you ask me nicely.

After all, this is your room.

Geoffrey, I cannot afford a divorce.

I've got too much to lose.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where else to look for her.

Of course I've tried Brentcroft.

Marcus! Thank God!

Dolly!

Marcus, it was terrible.

I was staying next door.

Next door? And these dreadful women tortured me.

Sharon and Tracey?

They were away, these other dreadful women.

And look what they did to my nails.

Oh, I was so frightened.

Come on, sit down.

Come on, you're all right now.

I'll look after you.

Oh, we're together again.

Yes.

And what about the chick, sir?

Lucinda, she's gone. I fired her. It was all a terrible mistake.

Oh, I'm sorry, babe.

I was under stress.

You don't know what I've been going through. I know exactly what you've been

going through.

But there are no second chances, Marcus, because marriage demands faithfulness

on both sides.

I know.

I know.

I know.

So, how can I make it up to you?

Well...

Barbados is very nice with time of year.

Think of this one.

How much?

500 mark.

That's not bad.

Your Manfred will love you in there.

Oh, leave it at.

Here, try it.

What am I going to do, shall?

You know what I mean about Manfred.

It's all your fault.

You mean if I hadn't barged in last night, you would have got your leg over?

No, I mean, you haven't covered me in the first place. I've never invited you

back.

He's lovely, though.

What, Manfred?

Look, you're a married woman on holiday. Your husband's otherwise engaged.

We're talking biology here, Trace, that's all.

Your hormones are crying out to be stirred up.

Well, it's more than that. What have we really meant for each other? You're not.

He's not even got a sense of humour.

Well, he's German, isn't he?

Anyway, I've got enough of you cracking jokes all day.

You've only known him five minutes.

So he's got nice muscles, so what?

Come on, let's play for these and go and have a coffee, eh?

Actually, I think I'll go and see how Manfred's getting on.

Hello?

Tracy, hello.

Go on, Trace. Don't mind me.

That's a beautiful jacket.

See, I told you he'd like it.

Is that big car coming along then?

It's coming along quite well.

It won't be ready by the time you have to go home. I'll have to bring it to

England next week.

Is he coming over then?

Of course.

Tracy said I can stay in her big house.

You said that'd be all right, then, did you, Tracy?

Well, we talked about it.

A moment.

Are you out of your tree? What?

Asking him to come and live.

I don't think you've got any right to object to him coming and living in my

house. And what about Daryl?

You don't think he might be a teeny -weeny bit upset?

I'm not saying Manfred should stay, you know, long -term.

We can get a photo of his hand and I'll see him there.

And you could change your name to Dorian Green by depot.

Dorian's just lust.

This is... You know.

I hope you know what you're doing, Trace.

Oh, shut up, Sharon. Of course I don't.

Yeah, right.

End of holiday romance.

Message receiving understood.

Roger. Over and out.

It might not just be boring, you know.

He might be mental, I know.

And I've missed him, shall.

What, Manfred?

Blimey, Trace, they've only just switched off the seatbelts, haven't

If I see Barry once more in my life, I'm going to commit a murder.

Don't worry, cases ain't up yet.

Excuse me, officer.

There's a very dodgy bloke on our flight with his angle bandaged up.

And I think you might find something very interesting if you look under those

bandages.

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind stepping in the office for a moment?

From Daryl. No, from Manfred.

He must have sent it the day before yesterday, so that'd be you.

Hmm.

Oh, one from Chris.

Ah, there's one from your Daryl.

I'll read it later.

I hope you know what you're getting yourself into, Trace.

You go, in case Barry followed us.

Thank you very much.

I wish I could speak German.

What are you doing?

going? Do you really want to know?

No, not really.

Well, while you two have been gallivanting round Germany, I have left

husband. I have returned to my husband.

I have been spurned by my mother, ignored by the Samaritans, and assaulted

two psychopathic women with a pit bull terrier who thought I was your mother.

Well, they're very short -sighted pit bulls.

Some McCarthy women are turning ugly.

What do you mean, turning?

Oh, I was wondering when you'd notice.

Those disgusting harpies trimmed them for me with your sabatier meat cleaver.

Oh, I hope you washed it up after.

So, did you bring the message mitt back with you?

No, it was a wreck. We had to find some bloke to do it up.

He's bringing it over next week.

Great.

So, who is he then, this bloke?

Good -looking German hunk, eh?

Come off it. He's 70 of his a day. A nicotine -stained moustache, no teeth

bad breath.

Well, Sharon's type, then.

Just for a warning, they said.

If you ask me, the McCarthy women are worse than the men.

Good job me and Trace weren't there.

We bite our nails.

It'll be my fingers next, they said.

Don't worry, Chris, it's all in hand.

Look,

the car will be here next week, as good as new.

And I've already booked it into one of those collector's car auctions for that

weekend.

I just hope the McCarthy's await, that's all.

They'll wait.

Anyway, what's the worst they can do to you?

What? Sideways?

And then when I saw Daryl this afternoon, he was so sweet.

He could see I was upset about something, and he tried to cheer me up.

Well, I don't think I'm the best person to give you advice, Tracy.

Of course you are, Dorian. You know more about furtive, guilt -ridden sex than

anyone I know.

Thank you for that endorsement, Tracy, but I've turned my back on all of that

now. I am a one -man woman.

One at a time, you mean.

No, I'm serious, Tracy. My days of wanton lust are behind me.

Anyway, I didn't think you and Manfred actually did anything.

Well, we didn't. But I wanted to.

And if Sharon hadn't barged in... Tracy, life is too short to worry about the

sins you didn't commit.

But I really wanted him, Dorian. The last time I felt like that about someone

was when I... You know, the first time with Daryl.

I can imagine, Tracy, and I sympathise. It sounds like me and Luke.

But I promise you, it is only animal magnetism. No, it ain't just that.

It can't be. It can be. I know. As you said, I am an expert.

Yeah, we can't wait to see the car, Manfred. It sounds great.

Listen, Manfred, before you go on, I don't think you should come with the

I just don't think it's a good idea you come into England, that's all.

Of course I like you, that's the problem.

You made Berlin fantastic.

My life's here in Chigwell.

I've got responsibilities.

I know I said my husband and I weren't living together.

No, I weren't lying.

I'm sorry too, Manfred.

Manfred?

Manfred?

You're young up.

Oh, Shell.

It's for the best, Trace.

Do you reckon?

I know.

Yeah. Take it well, did he?

What do you think?

Oh, dear.

Well, let's just pray to God you don't hang on to the Messerschmitt, then.

Blimey. No wonder the crats lost the Battle of Britain.

Trice, stop.

Look at her charm. Why don't you not scratch that paintwork? If I had a

paintwork, we'd be lid -stuck.

What are you doing in London?

I've got a bone to pick with Sharon.

She's there.

She won't be back till lunchtime.

I'll wait.

He does it sometimes.

You just have to switch it off and gently fiddle it out with a wooden

Don't worry, I've got the same toaster at home.

Blimey, what are you doing here?

Hello, Sharon.

If I'd known you were there, I'd have gone down to the council and registered

homeless.

What do you mean, if you'd known?

Whose new Golf GTI Turbo 16 -valve dropheading thing's parked in your

No -one's.

What?

There's nothing in the drive except tarmac.

Come on, Shazza, you can't catch me that easy.

Lovely age registration.

Can't be earlier.

Where's your phone?

What do you want?

We'll have the money by next weekend, we promise.

Yeah, well, we ain't interested no more.

We said we'd have the cash or goods to the value of.

You're getting soft, Trace. Last time I said internal organs.

what this means, don't you?

Yeah. Barry's Volkswagen ain't going to pass its MOT.

It also means we may be able to flog the Messerschmitt and keep the money.

Hello, lads.

Guess what?

What? I've got your money.

Yeah, my old lady's going to smuggle it in on Monday.

Well, she'll get her hands on them sort of spoons then. Well, she's flogging my

car in auction today. In fact, she's probably sold it me now.

What car?

No, what car don't do classified advertising? It's more of a sort of

magazine.

Come here.

So tell us about this car then, Chris. Well, that's why Sharon wanted to get a

Berlin. I've got this car there. Someone's looking after it for me.

She brought it back to sell. It's worth a lot of money.

Oh, your wife is a stupid, mindless slag.

I know, but I married her. What can I do?

I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to him.

I said we should play it cool, didn't I?

Squeeze the money out of the bubble. But, oh, no, that's not good enough for

your Viv, is it? She's got to prove she's some sort of gangland boss who

be crossed.

She was doing what she thought best. Thought best?

Sober, he was actually going to pay his debts for the first time in his horrible

life, and your ugly, tattooed slut only turns his motor into the world's biggest

stock, so can you.

I tell you what, that pitbull teddy of hers has got more brains in his corpus

than she has in the hole of her flaming head.

one piece.

Yeah, you alright?

I heard the McCarthy women paid you another visit.

Yeah, yeah, we was lucky they took it out in the car.

What a choker, eh?

They go to all that trouble to find my Messerschmitt, bring it back, do it up,

and they crush it.

Yeah, yeah, it's heartbreaking.

Still, I'm off the hook.

What, the McCarfys were in your debtor?

Well, not exactly, but they put five of the screws in hospital.

It's like I've been transferred to the partner of a serious psychopath wing.

Yours truly has been made a trustee and been given a job in a prison library.

Too bad you never learnt to read, hasn't it?

So we took it down the auction and cleared nine grand.

Nine grand?

And she ain't going to tell Chris?

If you don't tweak, you won't let on, will you? Of course not.

Yeah, did you get the photos back from the chemist yet?

Oh, yeah.

This is our hotel.

Right. That's the telly crew.

Right bunch of piss -arties they were.

That's Sharon and Barry at Berlin Zoo, just before the chimp bit him.

That's what the Messerschmitt looked like when we found it.

Oi.

Who's this muscle man lurking in the background there?

Eh? I mean, he don't look like no 70 -year -old toothless Jerry to me.

Oh, that's Manfred.

The old man's nephew.

He helped a bit with the body work.

You sure he didn't help out with your body work?

Come off it. It was dead boring.

I had no sense of humour.

Don't you trust me?

Yeah, of course I do.

Oh, look, I know I've got a jealous streak and prison don't make it no

but I thought of you outside waiting for me, keeping yourself for me.

What's wrong, sugar?

Nothing.

I've just forgotten how much I love you.

Love's always been my game

Stay with us for the king of comedy giving you the gift of laughter. Don't

we don't look after you. It's Kenny Everett and his television show, Up

Paramount Comedy 2.

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