Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you

that won't...

Post trace.

Oh, dear.

Gas bill.

Phone bill.

Garbage. More garbage.

It says here, you have won a luxury ocean -going yacht.

A Lamborghini, a million pounds in cash, or a bag of authority toenail clippings

of the rich and famous.

And to collect your fabulous prize, you have to go to a presentation and get

conned into buying a timeshare in London.

I wish Maidstone Prison was a timeshare. Then my Daryl would only have to spend

a fortnight a year there.

Yeah, for the next 2 ,000 years.

Oh, yeah, look.

Secure your future.

As little as £10 a month, you could look forward to a tax -free sum to spend as

you please or to provide security for you and your loved ones.

Leave it here. I'll bin it with the others.

Oh, dear, what a joke.

I can't afford a tenner a month. I haven't got any loved ones.

What about Chris?

Chris? I've trod on more lovable cockroaches.

That's all right for you.

You're so hot for your dowel, you've got a TOG rating.

I don't suppose you two will want me hanging around when you've got eight

of noughties to make up for.

It's a long way off. Don't think about it. Oh, well, it'll soon come round.

And then where will I live? You'll live here.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I'd never put you out on the street. I mean, you're my sister.

What if you got really, really pissed off with me?

I won't. How do you know?

People get on each other's tits when they've been together.

I read about this couple, right? In their nineties, they were...

She divorced him because she couldn't stand the way he never put the top back

the toothpaste.

She should be pleased he's still got teeth at night.

I always put the top back on the toothpaste, don't I, Tracey? Yes, you

After you squirted it round the sink and half way up the wall.

No wonder I had to buy it by the crate full.

See, you are getting pissed off with me. I wouldn't fall out of the over

-toothpaste in the sink. The manky saucepans in the kitchen may be.

I knew it. I knew you were.

Sharon, for the last time, I promise I won't get fed up with you.

say that now?

I mean it. What if you change your mind? I won't.

What if I did? Oh, shut it, Sharon. You're really getting on my tits.

Twice.

It's 12 .15 on the Nostalgia Hour.

Remember this one from 1973?

Gone totes goth.

Gone totes goth.

Gone to test gun.

Make sure you clean up that disgusting saucepan in the sink before I get back.

Try some.

Oh!

It's not mine.

It has nothing to do with me.

Oh, it's you?

You dozy cow. I never...

Sorry. I thought you was my sister.

Hello, Sharon.

Do I know you?

It's me, Trish.

Trish -o.

Trish Taylor.

We was Tracey's bridesmaids together.

Oh, yeah.

No, but you've changed.

Well, I could hardly spend the rest of me life in pink tappet, could I?

It was mine, but it weren't. It was Dorian's, our neighbours.

See, I was telling her about this new slimming plan.

Can eat as much porridge as you like.

It's called the Goldilocks diet.

She came round to try some.

You've been here anyway.

Right, hasn't it? She was on check -out at Tesco, so I brought her back with me.

This week's special offer.

I'll get off at 12 on Tuesdays. You just got up. Gladly you'll clean that pan at

last. It worked.

She thought I was you. I knew it would.

People always used to mistake us for sisters, didn't they, Trish?

Still a bit frozen.

Maybe we should have got Dory around to talk dirty to it.

Look at that one. My end night. Remember?

And what a great end night that was, eh?

I got right out my head. We all had a good old cluck. You speak for yourself.

I was at the end night.

How come I ain't in none of the pictures? Because you was in the bog

the time.

Oh, who's a fault of it? All these years later and here am I sitting round with

me bridesmaids.

Mind you, I'd rather be sitting round with a bridegroom.

You pulled your Dennis at my wedding, didn't you?

Yeah. He said it was traditional for the best man to get his leg over the

bridesmaid. Being that the best man was legless, Dennis volunteered.

And how is the silver -tongued little charmer now, then? Trish has left him.

She's staying with her mum in Hornchurch.

Well, I've not seen much of him in the last few years anyway.

Been working away on the oil rig. Not in Iraq.

I wish.

You'll soon get fixed up again. You look terrific, Trish. Don't you, Sal?

Oh, terrific.

So do you, Trish. Yeah, we was always the same weight, you and me.

And Sharon was the same weight as you and me.

They're terrible twins, the four of you.

All I remember is they used to come round our house after school and draw

willies on my T -Rex poster.

I wouldn't mind, but you never even put them in the right place.

It's funny, isn't it? You're so close at school and then you just sort of drift

apart. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, we had to be close at our school.

We were 45 to a class.

We had a good laugh, though, didn't we?

No.

Do you remember that math teacher?

The tall one with the acne and a stutter? You know, with sweaty palms.

his name?

Oh, you mean Mr. Stevens? Oh, yeah, and you always used to make him blush by

asking him when we was going to do algebra.

I can't think of his name. Can you, Chase?

Please, no, I can't. Can you, Cheryl?

No.

What's that other one with the red hair and dandruff?

Oh, not only his hair was red, the dandruff was white.

Do you remember that school age? Oh, I bumped into Wendy Fisher last week at C

&A. She's in men's trousers.

No change there, then.

Here, bung the kettle on where we shall. You're nearest.

Here, do you remember that school age when we all got rat -arsed on cider up

back of the coat?

Here, you drank the old bottle before we got to Wood Green.

All I can remember is throwing up over some poorly ugly fat kid.

What are you all tied up like a dog's dinner for?

We're going to that new wine bar tonight.

Don't tell me you forgot.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Still never mind, we can go tomorrow.

Well, it won't be new tomorrow, will it? You see, Tricia's got tickets for Barry

Manilow tonight at Docklands.

You what?

She got them yonks ago.

She was going to go with Dennis. Seems a shame to waste them.

Why didn't you ask me to come? We could have got an extra ticket.

But you hate Barry Manilow.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

You always say you believe in artistic freedom, but not in the case of crimes

against humanity.

All right, so I hate him.

That's not the point.

He could still have asked me to come.

I thought you had your keep fit class tonight.

I don't go keep fit anymore, do I?

It's too depressing.

Watching all those skinny birds prancing about in leotards.

Getting into strange positions I'd prefer to get into with fellas.

Three of us can go tomorrow night.

Three of us? Yes. I've invited Trish to stay for a bit, you don't mind, do you?

Well, her mum's driving her mad and this place is much nearer her job. It'll be

great, just like the old times.

I hated the old times.

Where's she going to keep?

In the guest suite.

Oh, the guest suite.

How comes I never got put in the guest suite?

I'm a guest. No, you ain't. A guest is someone who stays for a bit, then goes.

So what am I, then? The lodger? I didn't say that.

Oh, no, you didn't say it, but that's what you think.

No, I don't. I don't think of you as a lodger. A lodger pays rent.

That's very nice, that is.

I'm your sister.

I've stuck with you for the good time. Oh, don't start all that.

Before the boys got banged up, I was lucky to see you from one month to the

next. Yeah, well, I didn't want to be too pushy.

You've changed.

OK to dump me now for some girl that you don't see from one year to the next.

Oh, Sharon, we ain't married, you know.

What am I supposed to do tonight?

You can clean that saucepan for a start. I told you I never used that!

Trish is an old friend, my oldest friend, who I have invited to come and

my house and with whom I am going out tonight.

Blimey! You don't own me, you know.

having to drink, then?

I'll have a pina colada.

A pina colada, Sharon? It comes from Mexico, not Middlesex.

A pina colada and a spritzer, please.

They look nice, though, don't they?

Used to be a right armpit before when it was the ferret.

Just wearing, puking on the floor.

Sharon, please.

The blokes weren't much better either.

So, what do you reckon of the local talent, then?

Well, on the whole, I think I'd rather be at a Barry Manilow concert.

I'd rather be at a Gary Lineker concert.

Gary Lineker's a footballer.

I know.

So, tell me about the row with Tracy.

She said, all right, and she could invite who she wanted to stay.

I was just a lodger. She said you were a lodger? Yes.

Well, no, she didn't, actually. I said it.

Well, you're not, are you? I mean, you don't pay rent.

You start.

She never even told me before she asked Trish to stay.

She just plonked it on me as a phaeton, wasn't I?

Oh, well, Freud would say that Tracey's subconscious repressed the action of

telling you because it thought you might not like it.

Well, her subconscious was bang on.

Her subconscious should be on mastermind.

Honestly, Thor, it's like having two Tracys in there.

They're forever giggling about how they hid the chalk from the teacher.

Or how they put a dead spider in me lunchbox.

Pathetic. They're reliving their past.

I sometimes wonder if my obsession with younger men isn't an attempt to relive

my past.

What do you make of those two?

Hardly old enough to vote.

I'd still let them into my polling booth.

Oh, and that's the bloke who's younger than me, right?

Whenever we went for a drink, he used to have to sit outside the pub while I got

him a lemonade.

I had to pack him in, though, and he turned up for a date on his skateboard.

Lovely little bum.

Why do I get the feeling I'm talking to myself?

I don't know, Sharon, why do you get the feeling you're talking to yourself?

Sharon, do you think I'm still attracted to younger men?

My social life just seems to have taken a bit of a downturn.

Maybe you've just exhausted the ranks of young, chidwell men.

Yeah. They don't seem to be as fit as they used to be.

Is that your kitchen fitter, then?

Loverboy Luke? As far as I'm concerned, Loverboy Luke has gone lukewarm.

In fact, I'm rather afraid he's igniting someone else's burners.

I went by the kitchen shop last week and saw Melanie Fishman lingering over his

appliances.

Who's Melanie Fishman?

One of my best friends.

I hate her.

She's eight years younger than I am.

Did you ask him about it? Yes, he said he was just showing her his top -of -the

-range hob.

Dorian, we're here to talk about my problems, not yours. Oh, I don't see any

problems, Sharon.

I mean, what do you expect?

Trish was one of Tracy's best friends. You know what it's like. I don't know

what it's like.

I never had a best friend at school.

They would call me fat son and laugh at me spot.

That was just the teacher.

Well, she won't be staying forever.

It's not just Trish.

It's more to it than that.

You won't understand.

Well, try me.

I won't tell anyone.

Oh, no.

Apart from the whole of Chigwell, and your mother in Burnt Oak, and your

Debbie in Tel Aviv. I won't, I won't.

On your life? On my husband's life, I promise.

worried sick that Tracy will get fed up of having me around and boot me out.

I mean, we've never had that much in common.

When we was kids, she used to play with her dolly and I used to play cowboys.

Suppose I knew then I'd end up marrying one.

Then when we was teenagers, she never had no time for me.

She married a sexy bloke for a good job. Owned Sonoff's getaway car.

The boy got sent down. Me and Tracy lived in different worlds.

The people Tracy and Daryl mixed with would be being dead in Edmonton. Not

unless there was a shootout at the Bradford and Bingley.

I'm sure she's getting fed up with me.

The other night, she wore her Walkman all through supper.

And then when Daryl gets out... Now, if I may say, Sharon, I think you are

getting this out of proportion.

What you have to do is understand the psychodynamics of the situation.

And you do understand them, do you? These micro -dynamics? Yes, it's simple.

What we have here is a classic case of transference.

You mean like when Gaga came to Spurs?

No, I mean you are projecting your feelings of insecurity onto this

with Trish.

Look, Tracy has rediscovered an old school friend and you feel excluded.

all there is to it.

So what should I do about it? Well, try making friends with Trish instead of

just resenting her.

I mean, she can't be so bad if Tracey likes her.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Why not?

They say you only get out of a relationship what you invest in it.

Which is why Melanie Fishman is investing in a new kitchen.

Look, why don't you give Luke a ring and discuss a reconciliation?

What, hammer it out over a table? Yeah.

And under the table.

Great concert, eh?

Yeah. What little I heard of it.

Oh, I didn't have no problem hearing.

The seats was great, I thought. Oh, yeah, the seats were fine.

Only you didn't stop talking all night.

Did you see that Asher come up to us?

No, what did he say?

Ash!

It's been 16 years since we've seen... We each have all we've got a lot of

catching up to do. Yes, but we didn't have to catch up on the old 16 years on

day one.

Oh, Trace, look.

August bank holiday, 1972,

up Clexton.

You on Daryl's bike and me on Tony Norris's. It's 25 to 9, you know.

Tony Norris. Ain't his answer to diner rod.

Why'd you be late for work?

Oh, God, I remember them crushed velvet purple flares. How could I have worn

them? I must have been out of my mind. Yeah. Do you remember them... silver

platforms you had, what I borrowed when I went out with that tall skinny bloke

who worked at the dinky toy factory.

Look, I'm tired of remembering, Trish. Can't we forget about remembering for a

bit? I think his name was Eddie.

Or was it Eric?

Sorry, Trish, did you say something?

You know, how was Barry Manilow?

Still as good looking as ever?

Great. Really great. I don't know how he does it.

I don't care how he does it, I just wish he wouldn't.

Run in.

I'll just get me jacket.

I'm sorry.

No, it was my fault.

I behaved like a jealous little kid. No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have

forgotten about us going out last night.

It's all right. I went out with Dorian. And I should have spoke to you before I

invited Trish to stay.

No, it's your house, Trace, not mine. Yes, but you're my sister, so... Shall

try Sharon's wine bar tonight, Trace? Oh, no, sorry.

I think I'll just have an early night after the concert last night.

I'll go with you if you like, Trish.

Oh, yeah, if you like.

Yeah, Trace, do you remember when we went up that Donny Osmond concert and we

waited outside the stage door for four hours?

I've still got that Kit Kat wrapper with his footprint on it.

Sheila's younger sister was in your class, remember?

She lives in Croydon now, or is it Crawley?

Anyway, Sheila was the one who got expelled for writing obscene anonymous

letters to the head.

She might have even got away with it if she hadn't stuck the letter down with

one of her dad's address labels.

Blimey, it's only half past nine.

You know, Sharon, I'm really glad we did this tonight because I wanted to talk

to you about Tracy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, she seemed a little bit uptight today.

Something up?

Well, her husband's in prison. That's what's up.

No, she's always like that.

She loves her Daryl so much, she feels terminally guilty. She ain't totally

depressed every minute he's banged up.

She wasn't like that yesterday.

Well, yesterday was an unintentional lapse, weren't it?

She enjoyed herself, had a good laugh.

Today she probably feels guilty about it.

Deal, she's got her Daryl to dream about.

You've got to have something to look forward to.

When I was a little girl, I used to have a dream.

I'd be running me fingers for a huge pile of money.

Now look at me, on the till at Tesco's.

See, dreams do come true.

Yeah, I wake up every morning wondering what excitement the day will bring.

Running out a carrier bag, a row about an Irish 50p, a price tag missing on a

frozen chicken.

That's why seeing you and Tracy again's been so good for me. Give me a chance to

talk about the old days when life was good.

What happened with you and Dennis?

Was it another bird?

Partly. But mainly we just sort of drifted apart. Well, you do, don't you?

You see, for years I wanted kids and he didn't. Then he changed his mind. Then

he got made redundant and he changed his mind again.

Said we couldn't afford a family.

Then he got the job on the oil rigs. And, well, we just started to see less

less of each other.

You see, he developed this passion for birds.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, the feather variety.

He said he started because he was bored.

First he just used to sit and stare out to sea.

Then he started watching the birds and observing their habits.

Then this rare bird came and made its nest on the rig.

An arctic tern.

Sounds like an Icelandic comedian.

He became obsessive. He stopped coming home on leave.

Said he couldn't leave his tern.

And then, a couple of months ago, he came home.

His tern had gone.

He was gutted.

He said he was going to sell the house and buy a pub on Canvey Island to be

the wildfowl.

No discussion, nothing.

So you gave him the bird, did you?

I done a stint at the bar, mate. Never again.

I told him, I'm not standing up pulling pints, getting touched up by drunks and

mopping up dick.

He said, fine, put the house on the market.

So I packed me bags and went to me mum's.

So you miss him?

Really?

It's not like I missed my sister when she went to Australia.

No, the real problem is my mum. She's driving me mad. She never stopped

So, when Trace asked me to stay, well, it was like someone throwing me a

lifeline. Yeah, I know what you mean.

It was the same when Trace said I could come and stay.

I thought I'd gone slowly off my trolley, stuck on my own in that flat up

Edmonton.

At least now we've got each other for support.

Till your husbands get out.

No, I ain't having Chris back.

Not unless he undergoes complete mind, body and bank balance transfer.

Trish going to work, then?

Yeah, eventually.

She came to your ear holes last night, did she?

That's not very nice, Tracey.

Actually, Trish and I have got a great deal in common.

Yes, you have. You both expect other people to clear up after you. I mean,

room's nearly as bad as yours. And that... Saltpain. Oh, stop the saltpain,

Trace. I'm talking about our experience of marriage.

She's had a rough ride like me, you know. Don't tell me. You formed a

support group and you're going to demand your own programme on Channel 4.

You got off, Trish, then?

I think it was a mistake. I was going to stay, yes.

You said it'd be great.

You said it'd be like the old times. I've decided I've had enough of the old

times. I'm going to have to tell her to sling a rook.

And go where?

Back to her mum.

Her mum's driving her mate.

Or back to her own... She doesn't love him.

And he's fallen in love with another bird.

Who?

An arctic tern.

What?

You can't just chuck her out, Trace. I don't understand you, Sharon. You went

woolly when I invited her here.

But that was before I realised we were kindred spirits.

No, she's not smug like you, Trace.

She knows what I've gone through because she's been through an unhappy marriage

herself.

She's in the same state I'll be in when Chris gets out. Yes, but what I want to

know is, will that saucepan still be in the same state when Chris gets out?

Honestly, Dor, it's like I've been through Sharon's in the air.

Couldn't stand it anymore, so I left the pair of them sharing their experiences

of their struggle with men.

It's been a while since I've had a struggle with a man.

Right now, I think I've settled for a tiny tussle.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I can't just tell a sting a rook, can I? Not

now her and Sharon are the best of pals.

Well, I think you have to analyse the motivational aspects of the situation in

the context of Sharon's feelings of insecurity.

Speak English, will you?

Do you wish to take advantage of my extensive acquaintance with the subject

psychology or not?

What extensive acquaintance?

that then?

Maurice Jacobs.

He was a second year psychology student.

He used to invite me up to his digs and investigate my psyche.

Oh, makes change for you. Someone investigating above your neck.

Don't you start wandering down memory lane, Dorian. Just tell me what to do

about the problem.

Well, it's obvious.

Sharon has found someone she can identify with. She can't identify with

because you love your husband. She needs Trish because she's feeling insecure.

I've told her I'd never chuck her out. Yes, well, that's what you said about

Trish two days ago.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Hello.

May I buy you a drink?

Excuse me, she's talking to me. Yes, well, I think your consultation has just

come to an end.

I'll have a spritzer, thank you.

And your friend? Is just leaving.

That's it, is it? But you haven't told me what to do about me problem.

I know, but a problem shared's a problem halved.

My problems ain't been halved, they're doubled.

It's hot.

I don't know, Sharon, I really don't know.

He sounded like he meant it.

pull another pint, he said.

What about the getting touched up by drunks and the mopping up sick? Hello,

girls. What sort of relationship are we going to have?

Don't ask me, Trish. She was married to the bloke for 15 years.

Yeah, but we spent so much time apart. I don't know if I can remember what it

was like.

Will someone tell me what's going on? This is my ass.

Oh, Dennis just phoned. He wants her back.

He's moving in a new girl. Dirty scud. No, to work in the pub.

Yeah, I bet he only did it so he could spend more time with the lesser -spotted

Canvey Island warbler.

Why don't you give him another chance? I mean, he must care something if he's

taking on bar staff.

I mean, what have you got to lose?

We did have some good times together.

Yeah, so did me and Chris.

I counted them up once.

In eight years, it came to just over an hour and three quarters.

Here's your husband, Trish.

Look, if her marriage ain't working out after 15 years, I reckon she should cut

her losses while she's still got her look.

If her marriage has lasted 15 years, there must have been something good

it. This is the 1990s, Trish.

Women are entitled to fulfilment in their lives. They shouldn't have to

lousy marriages.

What's the point of her going back there if she can't stand the bloke?

Oh, I didn't say I couldn't stand him.

I mean, he can be quite nice when he's there.

One day he brought home a baby robin. It had a broken wing.

Oh. He put a little splint on it made out of a lolly stick, gave it some bread

and water and put it in the airing cupboard.

Oh. What happened?

It suffocated.

He showed that his heart was in the right place.

Oh, I'm so confused.

You see, I... I've had it in me mind to go and live with me sister in Australia.

But you won't solve your problems by running away.

I mean, it's not a long -term solution staying with your sister, is it?

Sharon?

Sharon?

Trish, leave those.

Yeah. They're some really cheap fares, you know.

Australia. The land of...

Big blonde blokes with bulging biceps on Bondi Beach.

Better than bonking blokes with bad breath from Billericay.

You don't think she should have gone back to him, do you?

She doesn't love him, does she? No, what you mean is you don't love Chris.

Australia's brilliant, you know.

When it's winter here, it's summer there.

Or is it the other way round?

From £699.

You wouldn't, would you?

Well, I'd keep in touch.

I can see me now writing you out a Christmas card while I'm sitting on the

with Kylie and Jason.

Barbie blazing. Oh, don't start all that again.

Well, I pop home every five years, make sure you're all right.

This is a wind -up, isn't it?

Well, I don't know.

Can't stay here forever, can I?

Staying with your sister isn't a long -term solution.

I'm not rising to it, Sam.

All right, then I'll stay.

No, no, that's all right. You nap off down under if you like. But before you

you can clean that bloody saucepan.

It's clean.

Trish done it before she went.

Look. See how nice and bright and shiny it is.

It's not supposed to be nice and bright and shiny.

It's supposed to be black. It's non -stick.

Still more to come from them birds of a feather next as Sharon is faced with an

impossible choice. Here in the booth I'm wondering which biscuit to have with my

tea. Now there's an impossible choice.