All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s02e12 Old Friends

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you

that won't...

Post trace.

Oh, dear.

Gas bill.

Phone bill.

Garbage. More garbage.

It says here, you have won a luxury
ocean -going yacht.

A Lamborghini, a million pounds in cash,
or a bag of authority toenail clippings

of the rich and famous.

And to collect your fabulous prize, you
have to go to a presentation and get

conned into buying a timeshare in
London.

I wish Maidstone Prison was a timeshare.
Then my Daryl would only have to spend

a fortnight a year there.

Yeah, for the next 2 ,000 years.

Oh, yeah, look.

Secure your future.

As little as £10 a month, you could look
forward to a tax -free sum to spend as

you please or to provide security for
you and your loved ones.

Leave it here. I'll bin it with the
others.

Oh, dear, what a joke.

I can't afford a tenner a month. I
haven't got any loved ones.

What about Chris?

Chris? I've trod on more lovable
cockroaches.

That's all right for you.

You're so hot for your dowel, you've got
a TOG rating.

I don't suppose you two will want me
hanging around when you've got eight

of noughties to make up for.

It's a long way off. Don't think about
it. Oh, well, it'll soon come round.

And then where will I live? You'll live
here.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I'd never put you out on the
street. I mean, you're my sister.

What if you got really, really pissed
off with me?

I won't. How do you know?

People get on each other's tits when
they've been together.

I read about this couple, right? In
their nineties, they were...

She divorced him because she couldn't
stand the way he never put the top back

the toothpaste.

She should be pleased he's still got
teeth at night.

I always put the top back on the
toothpaste, don't I, Tracey? Yes, you

After you squirted it round the sink and
half way up the wall.

No wonder I had to buy it by the crate
full.

See, you are getting pissed off with me.
I wouldn't fall out of the over

-toothpaste in the sink. The manky
saucepans in the kitchen may be.

I knew it. I knew you were.

Sharon, for the last time, I promise I
won't get fed up with you.

say that now?

I mean it. What if you change your mind?
I won't.

What if I did? Oh, shut it, Sharon.
You're really getting on my tits.

Twice.

It's 12 .15 on the Nostalgia Hour.

Remember this one from 1973?

Gone totes goth.

Gone totes goth.

Gone to test gun.

Make sure you clean up that disgusting
saucepan in the sink before I get back.

Try some.

Oh!

It's not mine.

It has nothing to do with me.

Oh, it's you?

You dozy cow. I never...

Sorry. I thought you was my sister.

Hello, Sharon.

Do I know you?

It's me, Trish.

Trish -o.

Trish Taylor.

We was Tracey's bridesmaids together.

Oh, yeah.

No, but you've changed.

Well, I could hardly spend the rest of
me life in pink tappet, could I?

It was mine, but it weren't. It was
Dorian's, our neighbours.

See, I was telling her about this new
slimming plan.

Can eat as much porridge as you like.

It's called the Goldilocks diet.

She came round to try some.

You've been here anyway.

Right, hasn't it? She was on check -out
at Tesco, so I brought her back with me.

This week's special offer.

I'll get off at 12 on Tuesdays. You just
got up. Gladly you'll clean that pan at

last. It worked.

She thought I was you. I knew it would.

People always used to mistake us for
sisters, didn't they, Trish?

Still a bit frozen.

Maybe we should have got Dory around to
talk dirty to it.

Look at that one. My end night.
Remember?

And what a great end night that was, eh?

I got right out my head. We all had a
good old cluck. You speak for yourself.

I was at the end night.

How come I ain't in none of the
pictures? Because you was in the bog

the time.

Oh, who's a fault of it? All these years
later and here am I sitting round with

me bridesmaids.

Mind you, I'd rather be sitting round
with a bridegroom.

You pulled your Dennis at my wedding,
didn't you?

Yeah. He said it was traditional for the
best man to get his leg over the

bridesmaid. Being that the best man was
legless, Dennis volunteered.

And how is the silver -tongued little
charmer now, then? Trish has left him.

She's staying with her mum in
Hornchurch.

Well, I've not seen much of him in the
last few years anyway.

Been working away on the oil rig. Not in
Iraq.

I wish.

You'll soon get fixed up again. You look
terrific, Trish. Don't you, Sal?

Oh, terrific.

So do you, Trish. Yeah, we was always
the same weight, you and me.

And Sharon was the same weight as you
and me.

They're terrible twins, the four of you.

All I remember is they used to come
round our house after school and draw

willies on my T -Rex poster.

I wouldn't mind, but you never even put
them in the right place.

It's funny, isn't it? You're so close at
school and then you just sort of drift

apart. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, we had to
be close at our school.

We were 45 to a class.

We had a good laugh, though, didn't we?

No.

Do you remember that math teacher?

The tall one with the acne and a
stutter? You know, with sweaty palms.

his name?

Oh, you mean Mr. Stevens? Oh, yeah, and
you always used to make him blush by

asking him when we was going to do
algebra.

I can't think of his name. Can you,
Chase?

Please, no, I can't. Can you, Cheryl?

No.

What's that other one with the red hair
and dandruff?

Oh, not only his hair was red, the
dandruff was white.

Do you remember that school age? Oh, I
bumped into Wendy Fisher last week at C

&A. She's in men's trousers.

No change there, then.

Here, bung the kettle on where we shall.
You're nearest.

Here, do you remember that school age
when we all got rat -arsed on cider up

back of the coat?

Here, you drank the old bottle before we
got to Wood Green.

All I can remember is throwing up over
some poorly ugly fat kid.

What are you all tied up like a dog's
dinner for?

We're going to that new wine bar
tonight.

Don't tell me you forgot.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Still never mind, we can go tomorrow.

Well, it won't be new tomorrow, will it?
You see, Tricia's got tickets for Barry

Manilow tonight at Docklands.

You what?

She got them yonks ago.

She was going to go with Dennis. Seems a
shame to waste them.

Why didn't you ask me to come? We could
have got an extra ticket.

But you hate Barry Manilow.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

You always say you believe in artistic
freedom, but not in the case of crimes

against humanity.

All right, so I hate him.

That's not the point.

He could still have asked me to come.

I thought you had your keep fit class
tonight.

I don't go keep fit anymore, do I?

It's too depressing.

Watching all those skinny birds prancing
about in leotards.

Getting into strange positions I'd
prefer to get into with fellas.

Three of us can go tomorrow night.

Three of us? Yes. I've invited Trish to
stay for a bit, you don't mind, do you?

Well, her mum's driving her mad and this
place is much nearer her job. It'll be

great, just like the old times.

I hated the old times.

Where's she going to keep?

In the guest suite.

Oh, the guest suite.

How comes I never got put in the guest
suite?

I'm a guest. No, you ain't. A guest is
someone who stays for a bit, then goes.

So what am I, then? The lodger? I didn't
say that.

Oh, no, you didn't say it, but that's
what you think.

No, I don't. I don't think of you as a
lodger. A lodger pays rent.

That's very nice, that is.

I'm your sister.

I've stuck with you for the good time.
Oh, don't start all that.

Before the boys got banged up, I was
lucky to see you from one month to the

next. Yeah, well, I didn't want to be
too pushy.

You've changed.

OK to dump me now for some girl that you
don't see from one year to the next.

Oh, Sharon, we ain't married, you know.

What am I supposed to do tonight?

You can clean that saucepan for a start.
I told you I never used that!

Trish is an old friend, my oldest
friend, who I have invited to come and

my house and with whom I am going out
tonight.

Blimey! You don't own me, you know.

having to drink, then?

I'll have a pina colada.

A pina colada, Sharon? It comes from
Mexico, not Middlesex.

A pina colada and a spritzer, please.

They look nice, though, don't they?

Used to be a right armpit before when it
was the ferret.

Just wearing, puking on the floor.

Sharon, please.

The blokes weren't much better either.

So, what do you reckon of the local
talent, then?

Well, on the whole, I think I'd rather
be at a Barry Manilow concert.

I'd rather be at a Gary Lineker concert.

Gary Lineker's a footballer.

I know.

So, tell me about the row with Tracy.

She said, all right, and she could
invite who she wanted to stay.

I was just a lodger. She said you were a
lodger? Yes.

Well, no, she didn't, actually. I said
it.

Well, you're not, are you? I mean, you
don't pay rent.

You start.

She never even told me before she asked
Trish to stay.

She just plonked it on me as a phaeton,
wasn't I?

Oh, well, Freud would say that Tracey's
subconscious repressed the action of

telling you because it thought you might
not like it.

Well, her subconscious was bang on.

Her subconscious should be on
mastermind.

Honestly, Thor, it's like having two
Tracys in there.

They're forever giggling about how they
hid the chalk from the teacher.

Or how they put a dead spider in me
lunchbox.

Pathetic. They're reliving their past.

I sometimes wonder if my obsession with
younger men isn't an attempt to relive

my past.

What do you make of those two?

Hardly old enough to vote.

I'd still let them into my polling
booth.

Oh, and that's the bloke who's younger
than me, right?

Whenever we went for a drink, he used to
have to sit outside the pub while I got

him a lemonade.

I had to pack him in, though, and he
turned up for a date on his skateboard.

Lovely little bum.

Why do I get the feeling I'm talking to
myself?

I don't know, Sharon, why do you get the
feeling you're talking to yourself?

Sharon, do you think I'm still attracted
to younger men?

My social life just seems to have taken
a bit of a downturn.

Maybe you've just exhausted the ranks of
young, chidwell men.

Yeah. They don't seem to be as fit as
they used to be.

Is that your kitchen fitter, then?

Loverboy Luke? As far as I'm concerned,
Loverboy Luke has gone lukewarm.

In fact, I'm rather afraid he's igniting
someone else's burners.

I went by the kitchen shop last week and
saw Melanie Fishman lingering over his

appliances.

Who's Melanie Fishman?

One of my best friends.

I hate her.

She's eight years younger than I am.

Did you ask him about it? Yes, he said
he was just showing her his top -of -the

-range hob.

Dorian, we're here to talk about my
problems, not yours. Oh, I don't see any

problems, Sharon.

I mean, what do you expect?

Trish was one of Tracy's best friends.
You know what it's like. I don't know

what it's like.

I never had a best friend at school.

They would call me fat son and laugh at
me spot.

That was just the teacher.

Well, she won't be staying forever.

It's not just Trish.

It's more to it than that.

You won't understand.

Well, try me.

I won't tell anyone.

Oh, no.

Apart from the whole of Chigwell, and
your mother in Burnt Oak, and your

Debbie in Tel Aviv. I won't, I won't.

On your life? On my husband's life, I
promise.

worried sick that Tracy will get fed up
of having me around and boot me out.

I mean, we've never had that much in
common.

When we was kids, she used to play with
her dolly and I used to play cowboys.

Suppose I knew then I'd end up marrying
one.

Then when we was teenagers, she never
had no time for me.

She married a sexy bloke for a good job.
Owned Sonoff's getaway car.

The boy got sent down. Me and Tracy
lived in different worlds.

The people Tracy and Daryl mixed with
would be being dead in Edmonton. Not

unless there was a shootout at the
Bradford and Bingley.

I'm sure she's getting fed up with me.

The other night, she wore her Walkman
all through supper.

And then when Daryl gets out... Now, if
I may say, Sharon, I think you are

getting this out of proportion.

What you have to do is understand the
psychodynamics of the situation.

And you do understand them, do you?
These micro -dynamics? Yes, it's simple.

What we have here is a classic case of
transference.

You mean like when Gaga came to Spurs?

No, I mean you are projecting your
feelings of insecurity onto this

with Trish.

Look, Tracy has rediscovered an old
school friend and you feel excluded.

all there is to it.

So what should I do about it? Well, try
making friends with Trish instead of

just resenting her.

I mean, she can't be so bad if Tracey
likes her.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Why not?

They say you only get out of a
relationship what you invest in it.

Which is why Melanie Fishman is
investing in a new kitchen.

Look, why don't you give Luke a ring and
discuss a reconciliation?

What, hammer it out over a table? Yeah.

And under the table.

Great concert, eh?

Yeah. What little I heard of it.

Oh, I didn't have no problem hearing.

The seats was great, I thought. Oh,
yeah, the seats were fine.

Only you didn't stop talking all night.

Did you see that Asher come up to us?

No, what did he say?

Ash!

It's been 16 years since we've seen...
We each have all we've got a lot of

catching up to do. Yes, but we didn't
have to catch up on the old 16 years on

day one.

Oh, Trace, look.

August bank holiday, 1972,

up Clexton.

You on Daryl's bike and me on Tony
Norris's. It's 25 to 9, you know.

Tony Norris. Ain't his answer to diner
rod.

Why'd you be late for work?

Oh, God, I remember them crushed velvet
purple flares. How could I have worn

them? I must have been out of my mind.
Yeah. Do you remember them... silver

platforms you had, what I borrowed when
I went out with that tall skinny bloke

who worked at the dinky toy factory.

Look, I'm tired of remembering, Trish.
Can't we forget about remembering for a

bit? I think his name was Eddie.

Or was it Eric?

Sorry, Trish, did you say something?

You know, how was Barry Manilow?

Still as good looking as ever?

Great. Really great. I don't know how he
does it.

I don't care how he does it, I just wish
he wouldn't.

Run in.

I'll just get me jacket.

I'm sorry.

No, it was my fault.

I behaved like a jealous little kid. No,
it was my fault. I shouldn't have

forgotten about us going out last night.

It's all right. I went out with Dorian.
And I should have spoke to you before I

invited Trish to stay.

No, it's your house, Trace, not mine.
Yes, but you're my sister, so... Shall

try Sharon's wine bar tonight, Trace?
Oh, no, sorry.

I think I'll just have an early night
after the concert last night.

I'll go with you if you like, Trish.

Oh, yeah, if you like.

Yeah, Trace, do you remember when we
went up that Donny Osmond concert and we

waited outside the stage door for four
hours?

I've still got that Kit Kat wrapper with
his footprint on it.

Sheila's younger sister was in your
class, remember?

She lives in Croydon now, or is it
Crawley?

Anyway, Sheila was the one who got
expelled for writing obscene anonymous

letters to the head.

She might have even got away with it if
she hadn't stuck the letter down with

one of her dad's address labels.

Blimey, it's only half past nine.

You know, Sharon, I'm really glad we did
this tonight because I wanted to talk

to you about Tracy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, she seemed a little bit uptight
today.

Something up?

Well, her husband's in prison. That's
what's up.

No, she's always like that.

She loves her Daryl so much, she feels
terminally guilty. She ain't totally

depressed every minute he's banged up.

She wasn't like that yesterday.

Well, yesterday was an unintentional
lapse, weren't it?

She enjoyed herself, had a good laugh.

Today she probably feels guilty about
it.

Deal, she's got her Daryl to dream
about.

You've got to have something to look
forward to.

When I was a little girl, I used to have
a dream.

I'd be running me fingers for a huge
pile of money.

Now look at me, on the till at Tesco's.

See, dreams do come true.

Yeah, I wake up every morning wondering
what excitement the day will bring.

Running out a carrier bag, a row about
an Irish 50p, a price tag missing on a

frozen chicken.

That's why seeing you and Tracy again's
been so good for me. Give me a chance to

talk about the old days when life was
good.

What happened with you and Dennis?

Was it another bird?

Partly. But mainly we just sort of
drifted apart. Well, you do, don't you?

You see, for years I wanted kids and he
didn't. Then he changed his mind. Then

he got made redundant and he changed his
mind again.

Said we couldn't afford a family.

Then he got the job on the oil rigs.
And, well, we just started to see less

less of each other.

You see, he developed this passion for
birds.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, the feather variety.

He said he started because he was bored.

First he just used to sit and stare out
to sea.

Then he started watching the birds and
observing their habits.

Then this rare bird came and made its
nest on the rig.

An arctic tern.

Sounds like an Icelandic comedian.

He became obsessive. He stopped coming
home on leave.

Said he couldn't leave his tern.

And then, a couple of months ago, he
came home.

His tern had gone.

He was gutted.

He said he was going to sell the house
and buy a pub on Canvey Island to be

the wildfowl.

No discussion, nothing.

So you gave him the bird, did you?

I done a stint at the bar, mate. Never
again.

I told him, I'm not standing up pulling
pints, getting touched up by drunks and

mopping up dick.

He said, fine, put the house on the
market.

So I packed me bags and went to me
mum's.

So you miss him?

Really?

It's not like I missed my sister when
she went to Australia.

No, the real problem is my mum. She's
driving me mad. She never stopped

So, when Trace asked me to stay, well,
it was like someone throwing me a

lifeline. Yeah, I know what you mean.

It was the same when Trace said I could
come and stay.

I thought I'd gone slowly off my
trolley, stuck on my own in that flat up

Edmonton.

At least now we've got each other for
support.

Till your husbands get out.

No, I ain't having Chris back.

Not unless he undergoes complete mind,
body and bank balance transfer.

Trish going to work, then?

Yeah, eventually.

She came to your ear holes last night,
did she?

That's not very nice, Tracey.

Actually, Trish and I have got a great
deal in common.

Yes, you have. You both expect other
people to clear up after you. I mean,

room's nearly as bad as yours. And
that... Saltpain. Oh, stop the saltpain,

Trace. I'm talking about our experience
of marriage.

She's had a rough ride like me, you
know. Don't tell me. You formed a

support group and you're going to demand
your own programme on Channel 4.

You got off, Trish, then?

I think it was a mistake. I was going to
stay, yes.

You said it'd be great.

You said it'd be like the old times.
I've decided I've had enough of the old

times. I'm going to have to tell her to
sling a rook.

And go where?

Back to her mum.

Her mum's driving her mate.

Or back to her own... She doesn't love
him.

And he's fallen in love with another
bird.

Who?

An arctic tern.

What?

You can't just chuck her out, Trace. I
don't understand you, Sharon. You went

woolly when I invited her here.

But that was before I realised we were
kindred spirits.

No, she's not smug like you, Trace.

She knows what I've gone through because
she's been through an unhappy marriage

herself.

She's in the same state I'll be in when
Chris gets out. Yes, but what I want to

know is, will that saucepan still be in
the same state when Chris gets out?

Honestly, Dor, it's like I've been
through Sharon's in the air.

Couldn't stand it anymore, so I left the
pair of them sharing their experiences

of their struggle with men.

It's been a while since I've had a
struggle with a man.

Right now, I think I've settled for a
tiny tussle.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I can't
just tell a sting a rook, can I? Not

now her and Sharon are the best of pals.

Well, I think you have to analyse the
motivational aspects of the situation in

the context of Sharon's feelings of
insecurity.

Speak English, will you?

Do you wish to take advantage of my
extensive acquaintance with the subject

psychology or not?

What extensive acquaintance?

that then?

Maurice Jacobs.

He was a second year psychology student.

He used to invite me up to his digs and
investigate my psyche.

Oh, makes change for you. Someone
investigating above your neck.

Don't you start wandering down memory
lane, Dorian. Just tell me what to do

about the problem.

Well, it's obvious.

Sharon has found someone she can
identify with. She can't identify with

because you love your husband. She needs
Trish because she's feeling insecure.

I've told her I'd never chuck her out.
Yes, well, that's what you said about

Trish two days ago.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Hello.

May I buy you a drink?

Excuse me, she's talking to me. Yes,
well, I think your consultation has just

come to an end.

I'll have a spritzer, thank you.

And your friend? Is just leaving.

That's it, is it? But you haven't told
me what to do about me problem.

I know, but a problem shared's a problem
halved.

My problems ain't been halved, they're
doubled.

It's hot.

I don't know, Sharon, I really don't
know.

He sounded like he meant it.

pull another pint, he said.

What about the getting touched up by
drunks and the mopping up sick? Hello,

girls. What sort of relationship are we
going to have?

Don't ask me, Trish. She was married to
the bloke for 15 years.

Yeah, but we spent so much time apart. I
don't know if I can remember what it

was like.

Will someone tell me what's going on?
This is my ass.

Oh, Dennis just phoned. He wants her
back.

He's moving in a new girl. Dirty scud.
No, to work in the pub.

Yeah, I bet he only did it so he could
spend more time with the lesser -spotted

Canvey Island warbler.

Why don't you give him another chance? I
mean, he must care something if he's

taking on bar staff.

I mean, what have you got to lose?

We did have some good times together.

Yeah, so did me and Chris.

I counted them up once.

In eight years, it came to just over an
hour and three quarters.

Here's your husband, Trish.

Look, if her marriage ain't working out
after 15 years, I reckon she should cut

her losses while she's still got her
look.

If her marriage has lasted 15 years,
there must have been something good

it. This is the 1990s, Trish.

Women are entitled to fulfilment in
their lives. They shouldn't have to

lousy marriages.

What's the point of her going back there
if she can't stand the bloke?

Oh, I didn't say I couldn't stand him.

I mean, he can be quite nice when he's
there.

One day he brought home a baby robin. It
had a broken wing.

Oh. He put a little splint on it made
out of a lolly stick, gave it some bread

and water and put it in the airing
cupboard.

Oh. What happened?

It suffocated.

He showed that his heart was in the
right place.

Oh, I'm so confused.

You see, I... I've had it in me mind to
go and live with me sister in Australia.

But you won't solve your problems by
running away.

I mean, it's not a long -term solution
staying with your sister, is it?

Sharon?

Sharon?

Trish, leave those.

Yeah. They're some really cheap fares,
you know.

Australia. The land of...

Big blonde blokes with bulging biceps on
Bondi Beach.

Better than bonking blokes with bad
breath from Billericay.

You don't think she should have gone
back to him, do you?

She doesn't love him, does she? No, what
you mean is you don't love Chris.

Australia's brilliant, you know.

When it's winter here, it's summer
there.

Or is it the other way round?

From £699.

You wouldn't, would you?

Well, I'd keep in touch.

I can see me now writing you out a
Christmas card while I'm sitting on the

with Kylie and Jason.

Barbie blazing. Oh, don't start all that
again.

Well, I pop home every five years, make
sure you're all right.

This is a wind -up, isn't it?

Well, I don't know.

Can't stay here forever, can I?

Staying with your sister isn't a long
-term solution.

I'm not rising to it, Sam.

All right, then I'll stay.

No, no, that's all right. You nap off
down under if you like. But before you

you can clean that bloody saucepan.

It's clean.

Trish done it before she went.

Look. See how nice and bright and shiny
it is.

It's not supposed to be nice and bright
and shiny.

It's supposed to be black. It's non
-stick.

Still more to come from them birds of a
feather next as Sharon is faced with an

impossible choice. Here in the booth I'm
wondering which biscuit to have with my

tea. Now there's an impossible choice.