Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you?

Smells nice. What is it?

Fisherman's bake.

Lovely. For one.

What are you having then?

Ain't she supposed to be lunching up Dorians?

No, she's back on that stupid hip and thigh diet, ain't she?

I don't know, I don't fancy all that meat at lunchtime.

I remember a time when you couldn't eat nothing before going to visit Daryl.

Yeah, well, just goes to show how you can get used to anything, given time.

Which he was.

Swap you a bit of really tasty gossip for a bit of your slightly tasty

fisherman's bait.

I'm not interested in gossip.

Dorian is planning to spend an whole night with Luke in his flat

above the kitchen shop.

Nah. Who told you?

She did. Instricted confidence.

I don't know why you're telling me then.

Gossip ain't worth passing on unless it's restricted confidence.

Of course I'm Mrs. Stubbs. There's no one else here, is there?

Now, what the hell's going on?

I'm Mrs. Simmons, the prison welfare officer.

Well, why can't I go and see my Daryl? He ain't on the roof again, is he?

Take a seat, would you, Mrs. Stubbs?

Frankly, I'm at a loss as to why you're here.

Oh, you ain't transferred into some other nick, have you?

No, he's in the hospital, of course. Didn't you know?

The prison hospital?

Oh, no, we don't have facilities here for emergencies.

He's in the Royal Infirmary. Oh, he ain't tried to top himself, has he?

he was feeling very depressed at my last visit.

I blame it on the food in here. All them additives and colourings and E

-numbers. And he's got very sensitive digestion.

He likes fillet steak, corn -fed chicken, Scotch milk salmon.

Oh, I'm done with that Canadian stuff.

I bet you've been feeding him Canadian stuff.

Mrs Stubbs, I think I can with confidence say that your husband has not

force -fed inferior smoked salmon.

Appendicitis. Oh, no.

He could die.

Well, he won't. The operation was a complete success.

Was? When?

Well, he was taken ill last Thursday and they operated on Friday. That's almost

a week ago. Why didn't no -one tell me? Well, I was off duty at the time, but

the assistant governor said he would write straight away. Ain't you heard a

telephone? Oh, I'm very sorry. Yeah, I'll bet.

Oh, poor Daryl. He must have abandoned him.

He's probably lying there all alone in his bed of pain.

There you go, darling.

Just like what the private patients are getting.

Thanks, Joy. Hold on.

He's not allowed boo.

The doctor's orders.

Medicinal.

Here we go.

Well,

did you find anything?

Any drugs, skeleton keys, sawn -off shotgun?

Not yet.

Ah, ah, it's, uh, it's all right.

It's clear. Oh, very much. You like messing his food up, don't you? Just

me job, darling, like you should be.

Instead of getting all mushy about him, I mean, he's a convicted violent

criminal, you know. Not the kind of money bleeding Chris does.

Oh,

Daryl. Baby.

Oh.

Oi, oi, what's this, a snogagram?

This is my wife.

Oh, you all right? How do you feel?

I'm fine.

Well, you know, I'm a bit weak and sore, but on the mend.

They never told me. I went to the prison. It was awful.

Oh, calm down, Trace. I'm OK.

Anyway, it's better you didn't come before.

Today's the first day I really felt myself.

It's not him feeling himself. You wouldn't worry about that.

Ignore him, Trace. It's just his pathetic attempt at humour.

Go and get a vase, would you? There's a good constable.

I can't leave the room, can I? She might slip you something.

Or vice versa.

Oh, please, Officer.

Can't we just have a few minutes alone?

A few seconds would do it.

Here you are, Mrs Phelps.

Thank you.

Shall I just plump up your pillows for you, Daryl?

Thank you, nursey.

I'd like to be alone with my husband.

What's going on with her, Daryl?

Nothing.

Well, I think she's got a bit of a crack on me.

You sure you ain't been encouraging her? You've only been here five minutes.

Of course I've been encouraging a trace.

Eh?

Don't you see?

This is a fantastic one -off opportunity.

What? To do a Kenneth Clark and screw the NHS?

I mean, this is a fantastic one -off opportunity to escape.

Escape? Oh, bit louder, Tracey. He's got earphones on.

What are you talking about?

Joy and me.

I've got it all worked out. Don't worry.

But where would you go? I mean, the law will be after you.

I'm not talking about going over the wall for good.

I just fancy a night out with me missus.

Well, don't you think Mr Plodd would notice?

I told you, it's all under control.

Me and Joy... Oh, what is all this Me and Joy stuff?

I mean, what was she doing before? Plumping your pillows up or trying to

breastfeed you?

She's just very understanding.

Yeah, I saw.

No, her brother's doing a tent stretch at Wakefield.

And she reckons he's been fitted up, so she's on our side.

So? So, do you fancy spending tonight in a little hotel or what?

Of course I do.

Shh. And not a word to that loudmouth sister of yours.

Hello. Good afternoon.

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you like me to paint your house?

Actually, we're thinking of getting Yorkstone cladding.

I mean, would you like me to paint a picture of your house?

Oh, I see.

Why?

Ah.

There you have me.

Did I?

Bit quick, weren't it? How did it be over?

No, you see, once you begin to ask why of art, you embark on the age -old

philosophical debate that has preoccupied the world's greatest

the dawn of recorded time.

Really?

Better come in and tell me about it, then.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Funny old drink, Perno, isn't it?

I only started on it out of curiosity.

After I see that advert at the multi -screen.

You know, where the naked bird swims through a glassful while the bloke tunes

his guitar.

Tastes all right, though, doesn't it?

Reminds me of Hennessy, balls.

You liked me, cinema.

Well, the seats are nice, but they've got this stupid no -smoking rule,

they? No, I don't mean that specific cinema. I mean, cinema is an art form.

No, I just like anything with Mel Gibson in it.

So, I thought you were going to show me your paintings, then.

Well, I don't think my pictures would really suit your taste.

Oh, take no note of this old tat.

No, my husband, well, my late husband, he chose these pictures before he

it. Oh, sorry.

Oh, I'm not. He was a pig.

I'll be glad to get rid of all signs of him.

Ah, good.

So... Unzip your portfolio and let the dog see the rabbit.

Hello? Operator Services.

This is 501 2797.

I want to book an alarm call.

What time?

Let's say about 30 seconds.

What do I want an alarm call for in 30 seconds?

To wake me up, of course.

What do you mean I am awake? How do you know? I could be Sparco.

Look, just give me an alarm call, will you?

But Maureen Littman doesn't have to put up with all that verbal.

Hello?

Oh, thank you very much.

Hello? Yes, this is Mrs Stubbs.

Oh, no.

What is it? When?

What is it? How?

What is it? That he's going to be all right, my little Garfie.

What the hell is it?

Yes, of course.

Straight away.

Terry in general.

Right.

Something the matter, Tracy?

It's Garfie.

He's got his appendix out.

Oh, no.

Yeah, it was just taken ill during double latin.

He's in Kettering General.

Private room, of course.

Of course. Of course.

But they can't operate until I sign the release form.

He's going to be all right, though, isn't he? Yeah, yeah. He's stabilised.

baby. But I've got to be with him.

All night?

Of course.

Of course.

Hello, Martin?

It's Sharon.

That's right, the rich widow from Chigwell.

Yeah, I've been looking at your paintings and your whole style excites

and more.

Well, let me just have a look at my personal organiser.

Oh, well, I've got the beautician coming at six.

Oh, my masseur's here at eight. But I could squeeze you in at nine for, say, a

little light supper.

You like fish?

Pick up cod and chips twice on your way over, will you?

Oh, and Martin, don't forget the wallies.

Bye.

You've either got or you haven't got style.

Hello, Wade.

Insulating company.

I bought you a nice piece of birthday cake.

Oh, Gerald, she's...

Hangs off. It's my cake.

If she wanted to give you a bit... Rules are rules.

Then now you make them up.

Very nice.

Ooh!

Compliments to the chef. Well, leave some for Daryl. Mm -hm.

Mm.

The usual.

Eggs, flour, sugar, chloral hydrate.

Here you go.

Yeah, which get these?

Our patient on Churchill Ward. Oh, what do you mind?

No, he died this morning.

Don't worry, it wasn't infectious.

Watch that.

Plum, you made me jump. Me too. That drug should have gone straight to his

brain. Yeah, well, if you want it to go straight to his brain... You should have

stuffed the cake up his bum.

He was a bit special, weren't he?

Van Gogh's one of my heroes.

No, not Van Gogh. Don McLean.

There.

Now I can get my money back on the empties.

I suppose I'd better be going.

Hang about, hang about.

I haven't ordered a picture yet.

Look, cut the pretense, Sharon.

Admit it, you've just been messing me around, haven't you?

You never had any intention of commissioning a picture.

Why should you?

You're a wealthy widow and I'm just a...

struggling artists with that much talent.

Oh, you're good, really.

I like what you showed me.

Really? Well, great.

And I want to see more.

That'll be a tenner, please, mate. All right, wait a sec.

You made it, then?

Yeah, looks like it.

Hmm.

Yeah, can you play him?

How much?

Ten a lot.

Cheers.

Here, what's occurring then? You told me this was a medical emergency, not a bit

of illicit hanky -panky. Want a knuckle sandwich?

No thanks, mate. I ate a dome.

What time do you want collecting then?

5am on the dot.

Right, see you later.

God, these electric jug kettles. Really come to the boil quick.

All right, don't rub it in. I said I was sorry.

Eh?

Not coming to the boil.

Don't be silly. It don't matter.

It does to me.

Look, we've got plenty of time.

Four lousy hours. Four wonderful hours.

Look, you've got to look on the bright side.

We're together, alone.

Nobody knows we're here.

Tonight is going to be the best night of our lives ever.

Fancy a custard cream?

Tracy, I don't want to go back.

Oh, no.

I mean it.

I can't face the thought of another seven years banged up with two deadbeats

their slot buckets.

Jesus, Tracy, I've got to get away.

Daryl, you can't.

I'm out now, Tracy.

This is the only chance I'm going to get.

We could shoot off home now, get our passports, fetch Garthy and he'll be

the channel before... That's stupid.

No, it's not. The hovercraft's run all night.

All right, all right.

Supposing we do do a bunk, then what?

Next stop, South America.

Oh, there's a night bus from Calais to Rio, is there?

Eh?

Then what would we use for money?

Well, put the air tickets on plastic.

And how do we pay it back?

Who cares? We'll be in Rio.

Don't you want to be with me and Garthy in the sun?

On Copacabana?

Carnival time in Rio.

Best football in the world.

Tropical fruit just hanging off the trees.

Can't you just see it?

Can't you just taste it? Yeah, but it's pie in the sky.

Don't you want me on the outside?

Well, of course I do.

But not as a fugitive from justice.

When you get out, I want us to be able to walk arm in arm around Tesco's with

our heads held high.

Not looking over our shoulders all the time.

But this is my big chance.

Unless, of course, you don't want me out.

Unless, of course, you've got some bloke tucked away somewhere. Is that why you

weren't bothered when I couldn't go to business?

Yeah, yeah, that's it, Daryl, you've rumbled me.

I'm sexually satiated due to the attentions of the entire night shift of

of Dagenham.

What have you done?

I told you.

No, it ain't good enough, Tracy.

Daryl.

Where have you been?

Where have I been?

Where have you been, you stupid?

Idiot. Bert.

Pillock. You choose.

Oh, I love you so much. I know.

I'm sorry.

I love you too.

Oh, it's just that I had to get out of four walls, breathe fresh air, run round

under the stars, feel grass under me feet, and get stung by those bleeding

nettles round the back of the...

Let's go to bed, eh? It's only three o 'clock.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh.

I'm shattered.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm checked for all you early risers.

It's ten past five.

I want to break free.

I want to break free.

You should have woken me up.

Oh, my love, you need to rest. You've become a patient.

I won't ask if you had a nice night.

You didn't get a good sleep.

Daryl.

I want to break free.

I want to break free.

I want to break free.

Oh no, it's the old Bill.

you were doing 65 miles an hour in a built -up area?

No. But if you have the first few bars, I might be able to pick it up.

Driving licence.

Yeah, mate, hang about.

Tracy supposedly recognises me. Just keep calm.

We don't know him, officer.

We just called a minicab.

You do have a driving licence, I suppose?

Yeah, of course I do. It must be in here.

Yeah.

Turn your engine off, give me the keys, get out of the car.

Assuming you can stand up.

I knew he was troubled the minute he picked me up.

Millwall supporter.

I'm afraid I'll have to take this car to the police station. You can call a

proper licensed taxi cab from there.

No, it's all right. We'll walk.

We're only a mile away from home if we cut through the woods.

We'll be fine.

You sure?

Yeah, honest.

It's a lovely morning.

Now what? Now we'll find a phone box and fast.

Martin?

No, ow.

Oh,

not again.

Just let me sleep.

What's the matter with you?

It's about your physical pain. You're a young man.

Was.

Yeah, all right. Yeah, all right. Stay where you are.

Tidy up before you go, will you?

to interrupt, but I need a lift.

What the hell?

Tracy's in trouble.

Is she in physical danger?

No. Well, then I'm going back to bed.

Dorian, if you don't help us, I'm going straight round your house and give

Marcus a full SP on you and Luke.

Runners, riders, the lot.

I'll get my coat.

Thank you.

Where are they?

She definitely said the Jolly Farmers. Do you know how many Jolly Farmers there

are? No, but I expect you've cheered most of them up.

Tracey!

Why they've been nicked?

Tracey!

Trace!

Trace!

You came quick.

Eh?

What is it?

Oh, you all right, love?

I think a bird's been stitched.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, you must have done that when you were giving that big hug.

No, I didn't. You did it whenever you gave him whatever you were giving him

I got here.

You poor, apportioning lame. This poor boy's in rather a lot of discomfort.

Oh, what a stroke of luck.

God, you're stupid.

Hello again.

I thought you were walking home.

We found him by the road.

Have you been mugged?

Can you describe the men? Were they black?

He's bitchy.

We've got to get him to hospital, quick.

Oh, it's Ruth.

Come on, then, mate.

Your face is very familiar.

I've had it a long time.

Stubbs?

Stubbs, where the hell are you?

Oh, no, not a bloody escape, please!

Where the hell have you been?

Casualty. What? His stitches burst in the night, didn't they?

I was screaming in agony and he was gnawing like a pig.

If Joy hadn't hurt me, I could have bled to death.

We've got a good mind to report you to your senior officer.

Look, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?

It's just very wounding to learn that your own sister don't trust you.

Do you honestly think I'd have told anyone about you and Daryl's big night

It was Daryl that didn't want me to tell no one.

Oh, that's it.

Blaming on a sick man.

That's really thinking like that.

Give it a rest, will you, shall?

If the boot had been on the other foot, I'd have told you.

I wanted to watch a video in bed and I ain't got a player in my room.

Oh, report me to the rent tribunal, why don't you?

I said I'm sorry. No, you never.

Well?

You probably ain't going to believe this, Trace.

He'd come to paint the air.

He's a bit unconventional and a bit on the crazy side. Best thing is just, you

know, go with it. Ask no questions.

Laugh anyway.

It's the Kenny Everett Television Show. Next.

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