All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s02e10 Thirty Something

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue? What will

I do when I'm alone with

only dreams of you that won't

come true?

What'll I do?

Well, what'd they say?

Naff off, you miserable old cow.

They never.

No, they never said naff, they said... I
don't understand it.

They're really nice people, then.

I think the mum and dad must have gone
away. This is just the kids.

You know.

First thing tomorrow, they'll be trying
to get French polishers out the yellow

pages.

Well, how long's it going on for? It's
half one now.

All night, I suppose.

All night?

Bleeding toe rags.

How can you enjoy yourself making a rare
like that?

What do you mean?

What I say.

We used to make a much worse rare than
that. We never.

We did.

Of course we didn't. We did. When did
we?

Linda Warren's party.

Three times the police came out because
that old lady kept complaining.

And you put on Bob Marley records full
blast and hung the speakers out the

window. I never hung the speakers out
the window.

You did!

I never!

I might have opened the windows and put
the speakers near.

Facing out.

I remember that car, she got right up my
pipe.

And you woke up the whole of Finsbury
Park getting back at her.

Blimey, Michelle, it was ten years ago.

No, thirteen.

It weren't the first time by a long
chalk.

What about Danny Ware's 21st day? It was
never 13 years ago.

It was! It wasn't. It couldn't have
been.

Do you want to bet?

Yeah. Grand.

Done.

What did you do with Garthy that night?

Well, how am I supposed to know? It was
10 years ago.

13!

You left in with Cheryl Hawkins.

Did I?

Oh, yeah, I think we did.

So what's that got to do with the price
of fish, eh?

Which means Garthy was two.

Well, not quite two, because Cheryl
Hawkins would never look after him again

after he got slipped down the front of
her junior dress on his second birthday.

Was it his second birthday?

Of course it was.

Blimey, Tracey's your son.

I don't know why she wore that dress in
the first place.

She was going to a party, weren't she?
Yeah, well, it was only for kids.

No, afterwards, I mean.

Well, she never went, did she?

She was only going to show off the
dress.

And when it had a recycled helping of
pureed roast beef and spinach down its

front, she went spare.

Never heard from her again.

Blimey. Don't time go, eh?

13 years.

What are you doing? I'm calling the
police.

Oh, come on, Tracey, they're only kids.

Yeah, well, they've got to learn.

Well, we... never learn. Well, we were
selfish, big ignorant kids, weren't we?

We was wrong.

I regret it now.

Well, that don't do no good, does it?

Still kept that poor woman in Finsbury
Park up all night.

Well, what do you want me to do? Ring
her up and apologise?

Hello, remember me? Finsbury Park, 13
years ago, Bob Marley. Well, I'm dead

sorry. Look, I can't do nothing about
that, but I can get this load of toe

to shut it.

enough we become people that complain
instead of people who make the noise

without becoming people that phone up
the police that's going too far that is

i'm not quite ready to be disgusted of
chigwell yet

well what are we gonna do make a cup of

tea yeah all right

Quite quiet in here.

Maybe we should make our beds up in
here.

Here, Trace.

You know what I nearly said just now?
When I came in from being told... What?

I never said it, but I thought it.

Kids today?

Yeah. I do that all the time.

But that ain't us getting older like
you're thinking, Shell. Kids today

are worth.

That's the point, Trace.

That's what everyone thinks when they
get old.

They think this lot really are the pits.

The kids today really are worse.

They all shout, it's everywhere you go.
They've got terrible attitudes.

Actually, I've got an idea about this.

Yeah? What?

Well, somewhere there's this special
school, well, must be hundreds of them,

where they teach the kids to be rude
without actually saying anything.

What do you mean?

They're not allowed to actually say you
look like a bag lady that's just stepped

in dog's poo.

They have to learn to look at you so you
feel that's what you are.

And they have special lessons in looking
like they've got dead important things

to do. But they can spare you a few
seconds if you're quick about it.

And all the people that are really good
at this school are going to be shop

assistants.

Some of them are just rude in their
spare time sort of thing.

Very successful, this school, isn't it?

Judging by all the shops I go in, it is.

You don't want to worry, Shell.

Being 30's not that bad.

Ain't it?

No, it ain't. Cos after a few years of
being 30 -something, it slowly dawns on

you that the next big birthday's 40.

And that puts the wind up you so much
that being 30 seems a dozen.

Fancy a glass of wine?

Yeah.

Thanks for your baked sandwich.

Yeah.

So, what are we going to do about your
birthday, then?

Shall I organise a big surprise party
for you? Oh, no.

No, I've had nothing special, Trace.

I'll just have that thousand quid back
what you owe me.

What thousand quid?

Bob Marley, Finsbury Park, 13 years ago.

You can naff off.

We've never done O -Levels.

We were CSAs. Mm, I know.

I might have had a go at O -Levels.

I was too young to realise how important
they was.

Oh, and I had my chest trouble.

What was wrong with your chest?

Didn't have one, did I?

I used to spend all my time hoping that
Barry Walterhouse was a leg man.

Do you remember?

I remember Barry.

All I could think about was snogging
him.

And all he could think about was losing
his virginity.

He'd seen this programme somewhere that
was saying it was a scandal that half

the kids in North London had lost their
virginity by the time they were 16.

Poor Barry was terrified of being left
behind.

Oh, I kept saying no.

So in the end, he asked me to marry him.

And what did you say?

Well, yes, of course.

I was besotted with Barry.

So he said, right, we're engaged.

Now get your knickers off.

How did you know that?

I don't know, he must be a clever one, I
suppose.

I wonder what happened to him.

He married a beautician called Melanie,
became Mitsubishi Dealer of the Year and

lived happily ever after on a 15 -day
luxury holiday in Florida.

How do you know?

It was in the Edmonton Independent.

What was you doing reading the Edmonton
Independent?

Last time I was at my flat, there was a
couple of hundredweight of freebie

newspapers and junk mail on the met.

You know, to get rid of some of this
terrible tree surplus that we've got in

world.

And there was this big picture of Barry
and Melanie staring up at me, sitting on

the bonnet of a Shogun and clutching
their tickets and grinning like Esther

Rentz and her nappers.

It gave me quite a turn, it did.

My first love.

All them years ago.

Now he's got a wife, two kids and a bald
patch.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

So, it's her 30th. Yeah, it's a
milestone sort of thing, 30.

People get very worried about being 30.
Yes, I do know, Tracey, I can remember.

It wasn't that long ago.

What would her husband have done if he
wasn't in prison?

Gone out with one of his girlfriends for
the evening.

Oh, yeah.

See, I should do a surprise party, I
suppose, but I think they are a very bad

idea, Tracy.

Marcus sprang one on me on my 30th. I'll
never forget it.

What happened?

Well, Marcus.

He never remembers his own birthday,
never mind anyone else's, so I wasn't

expecting anything.

Oh, my God, I know what's coming.

Yes. Who was he? An Abramkin toy boy,
eh?

Well, he was a little younger than me,
yes.

Well, what happened?

Well, oh, God, it hurts to remember.

On my birthday, we had an early evening
tryst, you see.

Tryst? What's a tryst? Posh word for a
bonk, is it?

Oh, really, Tracy, you are so basic.

Who are you calling basic?

I've only ever been with my Daryl. I'm a
noggin of me.

Unlike some people I could mention who
have to have tea time bonks because

fellas are too young to stay out late.

Well, go on, Dorian. There he was,
twisting away in the afternoon. Where

Marcus? Liverpool, he said.

And I was supposed to be at my
journalism class.

Journalism class?

Yes, well, I was thinking about being a
journalist then, and I do have a degree

in English, which is a great handicap if
you want to write for British

newspapers.

So you went to night school to bone it
up proper, like? Yeah.

Is that where you met this toy boy?

Oh, no.

No, no.

Although he was in newspapers, in a way.

Anyway. What why?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, go on, Gloria. What why?

Tracy, do you want me to tell you about
this or not? Well, of course I do, but

I'd just like to get all the details.

He wrote the newspaper, didn't he? No,
no, nothing like that.

Well, what then?

He was a newsagent.

A newsagent? Yeah.

So, was that very exciting, is it? Well,
I never said it was exciting.

It wasn't his professional expertise
that was interesting me, dear me.

You said he was young.

Well, he was young.

What are you going on about, Tracy?

Suddenly to have a lawyer, you can't be
a newsagent until you've got one foot in

the grave.

What does it matter? It's got nothing to
do with anything.

Ah! What? I've just worked it out.
Worked what out? You were twisting it

with a paperboy.

Dorian, you are amazing.

He was not the paperboy.

He was a paper man.

So you was having your daily mail
delivered then, ah?

You moved back into the flats then, have
you, Lisa?

Yes. Only I thought you made a fortune
with that perfume you were selling and

moved away.

No, I lost all my money and had to move
back.

See, we had a bit of bother with that
perfume.

What sort of bother?

Well, see...

Tested on animals.

Oh, that's good, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

Only it hadn't been tested on people,
neither.

In fact, it hadn't been tested at all.

What did it do, this perfume?

Caused a rash.

Oh, my God. Oh, it weren't nothing
serious. It was just like a rash sort of

thing. Only people complain.

Well, they would, wouldn't they?

And Grant ain't that good about people
complaining.

Grant owns the firm.

Oh, I see. Yeah, someone did come round
his office and complain a geezer. His

wife adduced it. Grant got done for GBH.

What, cos it is woman's race?

No, cos he dusted a geezer up.

And they were filming it for consuming
interest without him knowing.

Oh. It gets really good ratings, that
programme.

Grant's brief reckon they could have
called three million witnesses against

So the brief told him to plead guilty
and he'd get him off a bad sentence

because of everyone being prejudiced
against him by the film being shown when

should have been sub judice -y.

What happens on the film then?

Well, you see Grant nut him, put the
knee in and then drop this heavy filing

cabinet on top of him when he's knocked
out on the floor.

Yeah, well, that would tend to prejudice
you against him. Yeah, I can see that.

Well, then what happened?

He got three years.

Blimey. And they've got another case
coming up against him.

What case?

Well, when he heard the sentence, he
went and nutted his brief.

Well, we thought we heard burglars
creeping in the house.

Dominic wasn't... Dominic.

Dominic wasn't terribly brave, so I went
down, opened the sitting room door...

Marcus and all my friends still wearing
their coats, bursting to happy birthday.

I was wearing a diaphanous floor -length
dressing gown and holding aloft a

bedside lamp.

I mean, I must have looked like the
Statue of Liberty.

Why was you holding a lamp?

Well, it was the only weapon that had
come to hand.

And how did you explain about not being
at night school? Oh, that wasn't the

problem. It hadn't been... No, the
problem was the soup.

Now, this wasn't next door. This was our
first house.

Tiny little box.

pokey sitting room, kitchen dinette,
just enough off -street parking for a

500.

I have known real hardship.

I can see that.

Well, in those days, we used to put the
coats on our bed when we entertained.

Unspeakably common, I know, but needs
must when Mr Barrett builds.

As I am taking in the full awfulness of
the situation, Marcus is

gaily gathering up all the coats, and I
know where he's going to go with them.

And even if Dominic had managed to hide,
I am terrified that he's left behind

some incriminating bit of evidence.

A pair of short trousers, a satchel full
of newspapers... Tracy!

Oh, go on, then, what happens?

Well, he managed to get himself and all
his belongings up into the loft.

Poor boy.

So, you can see why I'm not fond of
surprise parties.

He was stuck up there for five and a
half hours.

Poor bloke.

Still, we must have had plenty to read,
eh?

Well, the council want to get rid of
this block, and my boyfriend reckons we

could buy our flat, sort of thing.

Would you want to buy yours?

You what?

Only my boyfriend reckons it'd be a good
investment.

He's in property. And which boyfriend
would this be, Lisa?

Les Benson.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. Les is in property, all right.

Other people's through the window.

Look, saying Liz Benson's in property is
like saying Ronnie Biggs was in

railway. Yeah.

Well, he's gone straight now.

Oh, yeah.

He's an estate agent.

Oh, you said he's gone straight.

What? Nothing.

So what does this property tycoon
advise, then?

He reckons once this block is fully
yuppies, these flats will be worth a

fortune.

Get in quick while you can, he says.

Yeah, well, that always was Liz's motto.

The only problem is, Liz, we've got a
distinct shortage of yuppies round here.

I can't think why, with all the quaint
customs we've got. Eh?

Well, for instance, there's our local
games, isn't there?

The world -famous Who Can Pee Highest in
the Lift Championship.

Which are very hotly contested in this
block.

And judging by my trip up here just now,
we're going to be world beaters at that

one.

And then, of course, there's all the
local artists we've got that carve

intricate and abstract shapes in the
paintwork of parked cars.

Frankly, I'm amazed we're not deafened
by the revving of Porsches and the

rattling of file effects.

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

Lisa, you're like a razor, you are.

Anyway, he told me to tell you he'd be
prepared to make you an offer for it.

I mean, you've got your future to think
about, haven't you?

See, I want to make a fuss and do
something special on the one hand

don't want to let my sister down.

No. But on the other hand, I want to let
it go by a nose because she's so

unhappy about it. That is quite a tricky
combination.

I know.

I should do a party, but I can't invite
any of her friends.

Why not?

Because she hasn't got any.

I mean, there's so many of my friends I
don't want to invite.

Because they're boring?

No, because they're happily married,
successful people and nice kids.

Yes, it would be dreadful to have people
like that.

You know what I mean.

Of course I do. You don't want to remind
her of all the things she hasn't got.

Exactly. So, we're looking for a
household of lonely, childless losers.

This party should really go with a
swing.

Yes. Les Benson says get in quick while
you can.

Well, he always said that. That's why he
got done for burglary.

Yeah, I said all that.

But seriously, I mean, well, I know
there's a few things against it. Sharon,

it's a leaking 60s tear block with
concrete cancer.

I know. At least two of them flats are
being used as knocking shops.

Seven, actually.

And it's nowhere near a tube, and most
of the men in N18 happen to think the

lift's a gent's loop. And anyway, the
property market's on the floor, and no

-one can sell anything.

Annie, you ain't got any money.

I know.

But apart from all that, it's a good
idea, isn't it?

There's a view.

View? Well, it's high up, isn't it?

You can see the River Lee from my flat.
Only from the toilet, and even then

you've got to stand on the car seat.

The only view you've got from your
living room is that big cemetery and the

sewage work.

Look, could we discuss this properly,
please?

This is something which may increase in
value as I get older.

Lisa says... Oh, what's all this Lisa
says, eh? What does Lisa know about

selling property?

There's only one thing she knows about
selling, and that ain't going to

in value as she gets older, is it?

Well, Liz Benson... Well, he's a
burgling jailbird, isn't he? All right,

right.

I'll have someone else's advice, then.

Buying a council flat in a run -down
60th power block in Edmonton.

All right. I mean, I know I wouldn't
choose to live in that crap heap.

No, the crap heap's over the road.

But then I'm not in a choosing
situation, am I?

This is a flat which may be on offer
that I could get cheap.

Well, it might be a very good idea.

I read about one of these up north.

The council sold off a no -go tower
block to lots of yuppies, and now it's a

very sought -after location.

There's nothing the upwardly mobile
can't do.

Oh, you'd have to be upwardly mobile.

Half the time the lifts don't work.

And they do have a view of these places.

Exactly. I'd love to see it.

Would you?

Of course. I love looking at property.

We could go in my car.

Oh, could we? Oh, you could.

Mind you, you park it outside her flat.
You won't be very likely to come home in

it.

Sharon's thinking about buying her flat
in Edmonton.

Must be joking. I know.

Lisa's been telling her what a good
property investment it'd be.

What does she know about property, eh?
The only property she knows anything

about is... Yeah, yeah, we've done all
that.

Les Benson's been advising her. Les
Benson?

Blimey, we have got the ATM, haven't we?
A slag and a lag.

Listen, the only property he's an expert
on is a kind of shell with two other

geezers and a bucket.

Yeah, yeah, we've done all that as well.

Look, it might not be a bad idea if she
gets it cheap.

See, she's 30 next week and she's
worried about how her life's going.

Oh.

Yeah. Do you remember your 30th, doll?

Yeah. We had 30 guests, and when they'd
gone, we went to bed.

Yeah? Yeah. And you kissed me very
slowly, 30 times.

Did I?

Yes, you did.

Did we do the other 30 times and all?

We didn't do it once, cos you'd had 30
cans of 4X.

I love you, Daryl. I love you, Trace.

Blimey. What happened to him?

A couple of his mates got moved to this
prison. They've done him over. What for?

Well, they reckon he's the reason
they're all serving time.

What, because he grasped on them?

No. He was a getaway driver.

And he used a larder.

He bought the tip off a bloke we met
down the dog track.

You nick getaway cars, everybody knows
that. And you nick something tasty with

bit of welly. And you get your man to
check it over.

He's got three blokes doing time on
account of a snapped half shaft on a T

larder.

I'm surprised he never used a reliant
robin to save on petrol.

This is what's wrong with this country.

They just don't want to do the job
properly anymore.

I know.

I mean, he didn't want to go to the
barber and nick in a car and hiding it

for a few days, getting it serviced,
changing the place. Oh, no, not him. He

knows an easy way.

I don't know.

Kids today.

Chris chose the wallpaper.

No wonder they locked him up.

No, what this needs to be is minimalist.

To complement the stark city landscape
you can see through the window.

It's not much of a landscape, is it?

It's only another couple of tower
blocks, a sewage farm, a cemetery and an

industrial park.

Exactly. All the elements of human life
laid out before you. No, it's got

energy, excitement.

It could be a very stimulating place to
live.

Could it? Certainly it could.

Really? Would you want to live here?
Don't be silly, Sharon. I'd rather die.

But for some lower -class person on the
make, it could be ideal.

You're educated, aren't you, darling?

I've got a degree, yes.

Why?

Oh, nothing.

Just wondered.

Wish I'd had an education.

I didn't take school seriously at all.

More fool me.

I did start an open university course
once, though. Did you?

Yeah.

Getting up at the crack of dawn to watch
the worst -dressed people in England

talking double Dutch about Van Gogh,
thermodynamics and chromosomal

abnormalities. What?

Chromosomal abnormalities.

It's one of the things I learnt.

Well, I'm very impressed.

Oh, don't be.

All I learnt was how to pronounce it.

Then I had to watch the programme and
tape it back six times before I could do

that.

I thought it's staying good, though, you
know.

I could impress people with my
knowledge.

Yeah.

Mind you, when you want to impress
someone, you'd be amazed how difficult

to work chromosomal abnormalities into
the conversation.

Did you really do this?

Yeah. Oh, it was years ago now.

Chris was carrying on with an Indian
bird in Walthamstow.

while he was trying to lick her red dot
off.

I was parked in front of the telly
trying to improve myself.

Oh, I didn't join it.

I just watched a lot of programmes to
see if I'd like it.

Yes.

I ain't done nothing with my life.

No.

I'm going to be 30 in a few days' time.

Oh, really?

It's just that, well, by now, there's a
couple of things you'd expect to have by

the time you're 30.

A man, a place of your own, a bit of
money, a man,

maybe a career, kids, a nice lifestyle.

A man.

Yes.

Sometimes I look back on my life and I
think,

Here it comes. I made such a pig's ear
of it, eh?

I mean, so far, my life seems to be
something that happened while I was

the other way.

Yeah.

What did you do on your 30th door?

It's a long story.

What do you do about Sharon's birthday?

We've done her a surprise, me and
Dorian, tonight.

She don't want nothing, she said, so
we've kept it small.

We've done her a cake.

Oh, nice.

It's made to look like a pension book,
and there's a little bath pass on it and

a tiny little Zimmer frame.

It was a joke.

Yeah.

What do you do about Sharon's flat? Is
she buying it? Well, she says if Les

Benson buys it off her at a profit like
she will, otherwise she won't. She

reckons it'll be too risky.

Well, I don't think Les will be coming
up with any offers, though.

Why's that?

Because ever since last Thursday, he's
been in the next cell to me.

You know, it's late.

Well, where is she? She's over Lisa's.

Lisa's very upset. All her boyfriends
seem to end up in prison. What's Ian

exactly? Well, he wasn't trying to buy
them flats. He was just having a

butcher's to see if they was worth
knocking over and our best to do it.

Actually, I just realised something.

They're exactly the same, Sharon and
Lisa.

Both got their fillers banged up.

Both got them tear -blocked flecks. Both
ain't got a job. How old is Lisa?

Don't know. Same as Shell, I suppose.

Shell? We're in here.

I've got to try for the day in a sec.

Do the candles.

She will definitely see the funny side.

Of course she will.

Only she has been buried down.

I think that she's quite fulfilled
life's dreams.

Yeah, well, sorry, but Mel Gibson's
already spoken for.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Sharon.

Happy birthday to you.

Speech! Speech!

Oh, thanks, Trace. Thanks, Dora.

I can't stop. I'm going away.

What do you mean, you're going away?
Where?

Well, Lisa and Les Benson had booked a
mini -break in Benidorm.

Well, now Les is having a mini -break in
Maidstone, Nick.

Oh, Lisa had the right hump.

Anyway. She's only asked me to go with
her. It's all paid for.

And I thought, why not?

This will be my last chance. Last
chance? Last chance for what? Well,

isn't going anywhere.

No, no, it's not that. It's the holiday.

It's Club 1830.

There's drama next.

When Daryl tries to escape from prison
just to spend one night alone with Trey.

It's like a Hollywood love story, but in
Chigwell, with more birds of a feather.