Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you

that won't...

What will I do?

Oh,

that's

better. Where's my fags?

Do you know the damage they're doing to you?

Trace? Cobblers.

You can pack up smoking, that's your look out. Don't try and spoil one of my

pleasures.

Lovely.

I bet you're dying for a fag, aren't you?

Not at all.

No?

So why are you chewing your nails down your elbows then?

Look at the state you've made of them.

I've seen better nails in a coffee.

Excuse me, do you mind?

It's very rude eating when people are trying to have a fag.

Why don't you just shut up?

Have you noticed that you've been eating more since you packed up smoking?

Because you've been half putting on weight, Trace.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

You never used to be able to see your knicker line in those trousers.

I can't now.

Actually, I was going to get myself some new drawers.

In fact, I don't want to cross tomorrow.

I think I'll get myself some of those skimpy ones.

They all look skimpy on you.

He'll have to be in the afternoon. I'm seeing my hypnotherapist in the morning.

What's that?

What are you packed up to say?

I'm seeing Gerald for some general psychotherapy.

What? Well, there's no need to look like that. Lots of people have it. Oh, yeah,

lots of people who are bonkers.

What goes on at this general therapy, then?

We sit in his office.

And? And we talk.

And? And that's it.

What do you mean, that's it?

How much does that cost you?

25 quid an hour.

For just a cheque?

You are bonkers.

You don't cost that much to phone up 0898, son. He can have an air with Peter

Python.

Gerald's helped me. You don't understand.

Oh, I understand, all right.

The bloke's a con man, Trey. No, he's not. He's got proper qualifications.

Oh, all right, then. So tell me how he's helped you.

What, so you can take the ride?

What? Go.

The other day, we was talking about the reason I needed to smoke.

Was it because Daryl's banged up? Was it because of money worries? Was it

because you're living here?

Cheek. Oh, don't worry.

I told him you've helped me cut down.

You punt so many, I'm always running out.

Anyway, with Gerald at work today, it couldn't have been any of those reasons,

because I've been smoking heavy for years, and Daryl's only been banged up

14 months, and we used to have money coming out the walls when he was robbing

banks.

Clever old Gerald.

Worked that all out on his own, did he?

What's he got qualifications in? Staying the bleeding obvious?

If you listen, as I thought about it, I realised that I started to smoke more

every time we moved to a bigger house.

So what you're saying is you're allergic to big houses?

Because I didn't know about Daryl's sideline, unconsciously I was worrying

where the money came from.

I mean, we sold the house in Whipscross for 120 grand and bought this place for

three quarters of a million.

So? So all my worrying was down to Daryl.

Why couldn't he be honest and trust me and have to tell me he was robbing

Beryl, is there anything you regret about when he was robbing banks?

Yeah.

Getting caught.

Don't you regret lying to me about where the money for the house came from?

I never lied.

You told me it was a bank loan.

Oh, yeah. I bet you and your mates had a good laugh about that one.

Oh, don't be stupid, Trace.

How's me Rosie doing? Don't try and change the subject. I want to know what

didn't tell me about the bank. Oh, why? What you could have done.

I bet his wife knew what he was up to.

I doubt it. He's in for bigamy.

I don't think it's funny.

What else is there you haven't told me about?

There's nothing else.

Oh.

Apart from the two kids I had by that Filipino bird.

What? Yeah.

I keep them in the cupboard under the stairs. I'm sure they're moving about.

One big joke to you, innit? Well, I'm frightened.

You didn't trust me enough to tell me about an important part of your life.

Don't say much for our relationship, does it? Oh, Tracey, don't start making

into something it's not.

If I'd have told you, you'd have only worried.

A couple of hours late home from work and you'd have been on the phone to the

old bill to see if I got away all right.

Well, if you'd told me, it wouldn't have been as big a shock as when they turned

up to tell me you was going to be 12 years late.

My dinner ain't still in the oven, is it?

Could you?

Look, I didn't tell you because I thought that was for the best.

What good would it have done?

Well, I'd have known what was going on and we could have spoke about it. I

have stopped you.

Look, I weren't bothered about having loads of money.

I'd have been just as happy if you'd been a porter down a fish market like

dad. Well, I wouldn't have been.

I didn't want to end up in a poxy pre -fab in Poplar and having to stand down

with the bus queues.

Was it the money you did it for, or was it...

What?

Well, someone told me that some men carry shotguns to make up for... You

There's nothing lacking down there, girl.

Well, I don't know. I've only ever seen you.

Just tell me what's got into you. Who's been putting all this in your head?

No one.

Cheryl's wonderful.

He stopped me smoking, and now he's opened my eyes to all sorts of things. I

honestly say he's changed my life.

You're not having one?

No. Every time I used to have a coffee, I had a fag, so I avoid coffee.

Associated craving.

That's right.

I know quite a lot about psychotherapy.

I've read Freud extensively.

The workings of the human mind have always fascinated me.

Stop biting your nail, Trey.

Don't worry, it'll pass.

You're looking healthier already. This psychotherapy has given you a glow.

That's down to the knickers being too tight.

I think anyone who has psychotherapy needs their head examined.

Don't you find the whole subject fascinating?

Fractionally less than watching synchronised swimming.

I'm thinking of having no smoking areas in this house. You'll only be allowed to

smoke in your bedroom and the garden.

Get out of here!

I've got to have a smoke in the toilet for a start.

Can't go unless I've got a fag.

Do you write down your dreams for Gerald Tracy?

Yes. Including the erotic ones?

Yes.

You don't.

No, you have to.

They're very revealing.

Do you know, one thing that has always worried me is that I never dream about

sex.

I'm not surprised, Dorian. You're at it all the time.

The only time your body gets a rest from it is when you're asleep.

So come on then, what are these dreams you're having?

The usual.

What's the usual?

Everybody's different.

The usual for me is two big airy Cossacks and a bowl of coleslaw.

Always the same, is it?

No.

Sometimes there's three big airy Cossacks.

Do they ever have their horses with them?

Come on, tell us then.

Well, it's just me and a bloke on a beach.

Who's this bloke? Daryl.

Don't know, I can't see his face.

We've got to have a look one night, Tracey.

Could be having fantasies about cranky hours.

In which case, I was wrong, you do need therapy.

Not Gerald, is it?

No. To be understandable, he's very good looking.

No, he's not. He's an old wrinkly.

No, he isn't. I've met him. He's a member of Marcus's Lodge.

In a Robert Kilroy Silk look -alike contest, he beat Robert Kilroy Silk.

Who told you he was old?

She did.

I'm very hurt, Tracy.

You're planning to have horizontal aerobics where you have tricked cyclists

you ain't even told your own sister.

I'm not planning anything.

You told Daryl about your visit to Gerald's then, have you?

No, I thought not.

Guilty conscience.

It's not unusual, Tracy. I've read about lots of cases where patients fall for

their therapist.

Look, just because you've read a few books by Clement Floyd, it don't make

an expert on my mind.

I don't want to get off with anyone.

All right?

Yeah.

The word is you're a bit on edge.

Who told you that?

Ronnie Thomas, after you threw him down the stairs for saying hello.

Call me a bad time.

What's that?

Something to do with Tracy's visit, is it? She seemed to be in a bit of a funny

mood.

It's none of my business, I know.

I just thought you might like to talk about it.

She started questioning me.

Criticising our relationship and... other things.

Yeah. I saw the, uh... So, what...

What do you reckon's up with her, then?

I don't know.

You don't think she's got another bloke, do you?

It would be the first thing you'd think of, wouldn't it?

I'm not saying she has. Just saying it's a possibility.

Who do you reckon it is, then?

I mean, if she has.

I don't know. It's normally someone you know.

Usually your best friend.

You're all right there, though.

Why's that?

Well, I'm in here with you.

You are more fond of my slot bucket.

I'll be really sorry if she's strained, though.

Yeah. Of course.

I know how it feels.

I remember when I first found out Sharon was putting it at that, I was gutted.

Tracy ain't like your Sharon.

No, no.

No comparison.

I reckon Sharon started with the usher at our trial.

Your Tracy's now that much longer.

I've done over certain she has straight.

I ain't been stuck in this bleeding place. You've done over certain what's

on on the outside.

You feel so...

Yeah, well, that's down to the stuff they put in the tea.

So what are you going to do, then? That's my business.

Look, you don't want to let Trace get away with it. I made that mistake. I

you. I don't know if I'm sure she has got another bloke.

She's given up smoking.

Her being right here, I mean, could be down to that.

Yeah.

Might.

Yeah, it's possible.

Yeah.

It's possible.

Do you want to eat this pork?

Calm. Down, down.

I reckon there's every chance she is straight, honest.

But put yourself in a similar situation.

Imagine a governor's secretary walked into your cell tonight in the nude and

said, have me.

I'd smack his head in.

No.

Before that, Mr Walker took over. Hey, imagine it's still that Miss Crookshank.

What would you do?

I'd have her, wouldn't I?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah? Would you?

Yeah, bloody well I would.

You're trying to say my Tracy is putting it about, aren't you?

I wouldn't have suggested it, mate. I laughed on her. Did you broke me jaw?

Stop taking me for some sort of mug. That's exactly what you're suggesting in

your nasty, weaselly little way.

And if it turns out she ain't, I'll kick you from one end of this neck to the

other.

It's the E numbers.

Halitosis. Cigarettes.

Unhealthy. Smoking.

Smelly. Ashtrays.

Dirty. Dorian.

It's my neighbour, Dorian Green.

I think you know her.

She says she met you at some lodge do or something.

I don't remember. Why did you think of her when I said dirty?

She's a bit of a trollop.

Dory and Green, yes, I know who you mean.

Is there anything in particular worrying you at the moment?

Daryl, well, I haven't told him about seeing you and I don't know whether to

not. Why?

I don't think he'd like it.

He can get very jealous, see?

Once at this football do, this full -back got a bit forward, so he pushed

face into the cheese dip.

So you think that not telling him is best to you?

Yes.

Oh, I don't know.

You don't think I should, do you?

You have to make your own mind up.

Was it Daryl who helped you with your problems in the past?

Yeah. He wasn't much of a talker, but he used to give me a hug and that made

things seem better.

Helped me sort them out.

Can't do that now he's got himself sent to prison, can he?

Can't you hug Sharon?

Not really.

It wouldn't be right, would it? She's my sister.

Well, how about hugging me?

What?

Would it help if you were to hug me?

It might.

Is that helping?

Oh, yeah.

I think I'd better tell Daryl.

Daryl, there's something I've got to tell you.

I'm seeing someone.

Who is it?

His name's Gerald.

I don't know any Gerald.

He's a psychotherapist.

I don't care if he's the king of Belgium. I'm not having shaft in my

What are you talking about?

It's nothing like that. I'm having therapy.

Where? Up against his filing cabinets?

We just sit and talk.

You're having a laugh of me, aren't you, Tracy?

It's true.

You swear on Garfield's life that's all you do, talk?

It is.

Apart from when he cuddled me the other day.

Jesus.

It's all part of the treatment. He's like a doctor.

Yeah, and I bet you're on a repeat prescription three times a day after

Honestly, it's nothing like that. He helps me. He's understanding.

Look, if you want to talk about problems, talk to me. I'm bleeding

understanding.

I think he's just turning you against me.

I bet it was him who told you about the... ..shotgun business.

He likes talking dirty, does he?

You're talking dirty.

You have to talk about things to work out your problems.

What else you talked about then?

Talk about when me and you was in bed, do you?

Yeah. You haven't.

What you told him?

When it was good, when it was bad.

When was it bad?

Sometimes.

Well, it was your fault, girl.

How good a sex I am, I've never done it and not enjoyed it.

I don't understand.

This geezer doesn't have to worry about buying dirty books, does he? No. He's

got you coming round once a week to give him a cheap thrill.

If I catch your nose in my business again... Jill's not like that, Daryl.

kosher. He's got letters after his name.

Gracie, half the perverts in here have got letters after their name.

Like the prison psychiatrist.

He's dodgy.

He puts everything down to the size of your mum's knocker.

If you're a nonce or a rapist, you went funny because it was too big.

And if you're a thief, he started nicking because they were too small. He

thought it was missing out. I don't care about the prison psychiatrist.

Gerald's different. Gerald, I'm fed up with hearing his name, Tracy.

There's nothing going on.

Can't you trust me?

Look, I don't know whether you're up to something with this geezer or whether

you're just stupid. I don't want to know.

But I don't want you seeing him anymore.

But, Daryl... That's it, Tracy.

I mean it.

That's TR, is it?

Yeah.

All right, Trace.

Oh, sit down and have a fag, Trace. I don't want a fag. I don't smoke.

Look, what did you expect Daryl to say?

He's stuck inside and you're seeing a Kilroy silk look -alike to talk about

you most like to do between the sheets.

He was hardly likely to recommend a good hotel and give you a change for the

Johnny machine, was he?

But for the last time, nothing's happened.

No.

but it adds in your age.

Look, Daryl should be able to trust me. Gerald says that's what marriage is all

about. Gerald says.

Look, I'm starting to get worried about you, you know.

This Gerald is controlling your mind.

If you didn't fancy him so much, you might be able to see it.

Sharon's right.

You see Gerald as a crutch.

Don't be so disgusting.

I'm talking about a psychological crutch, someone to lean on.

Oh, here she goes again with her amateur psychology.

I don't... I don't even know what you're doing here. It's none of your business,

you nosy old cow.

I'll make allowances, Tracy, because you're upset.

I'm not nosy.

I'm merely showing concern and compassion for a neighbour's problem.

Oh, so when you're using Marcus's binoculars to spy on that woman over the

who tied her window cleaner to the bed, it's because of your concern and

compassion, is it?

No, that's professional interest.

Will you go in to phone Gerald?

He'll know what to do.

Trace? Tracey?

Trace, there's only one thing to do.

You've got to kick this head doctor into touch.

Otherwise you're going to lose this, this, Daryl, everything.

But I can't stop seeing him. You don't understand.

He's given me confidence. He's brightened up my life.

At the risk of having my head bitten off again, I can offer you another

alternative. You lie.

You tell Daryl that you've stopped seeing Gerald and then you just carry on

you are.

He's hardly likely to come home early and catch you at the surgery, is he?

I don't want to lie.

It's because of lies and deceit that my husband's in prison. I want him to be

able to trust me. I have to say that being very naive.

Oh, it might be to you.

You spend your life lying for your dentures to that husband of yours.

Stick a pin in the phone book and it's odds on it will land on someone you've

had an affair with.

You are not my mother. You have no right to talk to me like that. Oh, shut up!

Everyone round here knows you're the most popular riot outside Dalton Towers.

Well, she gets on my nerves. She's such a slut.

She's frightened to go about it for more than 48 hours in case it goes out of

fashion.

Yeah, well, at least she's honest about it.

You keep going on about lying, but you're the one who's lying to yourself.

You've got the raging odds for this, Gerald, but you won't admit it.

So you're going around having a massive conscience attack and making the rest of

our lives a misery.

Look, do me a favour, will you, Trace?

Give Gerald a ring and arrange a quick tumble. Get it out of your system.

Get back to normal.

Hello, Gerald.

It's Tracy.

I've got to see you.

Gerald. Ha!

Lucy.

You're early.

This is very embarrassing.

How can you smoke?

I know, it's shocking, isn't it?

Like Oliver Reed telling you not to drink.

Sorry.

I've ordered some house white.

I hope you like wine.

Yeah, great.

Mind you, didn't get to drink it that often.

Daryl didn't like it, and Sharon only gets us those cocktails with rude names

and more umbrellas than a beach in Mallorca.

Don't you think you rely a little bit too much on other people making your

choices for you?

No, not at all.

Would you like a sandwich or something?

Only if you're everyone.

Now that you've caught me smoking, do you feel that I've let you down?

Don't be silly.

But I'm a hypocrite. You know it. Why don't you tell me?

I don't want to.

Why not?

Can't we talk about Daryl? I'm worried.

You sounded upset on the phone.

He says I've got to stop seeing you.

Must be difficult for him, stuck in prison.

Yeah, I know, but he hasn't even tried to see my point of view.

He's just convinced that there's something... Oh, that there's something

on between us.

I don't usually meet my patients in a wine bar, but I thought it might be best

for us.

It's cosier than your office.

Do you fancy me, Tracy?

Yes. You know I do.

Do you fancy me?

Do you want me to?

Yes.

It's going to be very difficult.

No, it won't. Sharon goes out every Friday.

It's going to be difficult for me to see you again. In fact, I think it's going

to be impossible.

But why?

This emotional dependency you've formed on me is the last thing you need. It's

best if we break it off straight away.

But we get on so well. You understand me.

I was just doing my job.

This sort of thing's not unusual. I have 20 patients and half of them are in

love with me.

Three of those are men.

I'm going to refer you to another therapist, Monica Graham.

She'll be just as helpful to you.

Why? Good at cuddling, is she?

I'd better go.

Do I owe you anything for this session?

No, of course not.

My car's outside. Can I drop you?

I thought you'd just done that.

Feeling any better, mate?

I will be when I've finished this.

Look, getting paralytic drunk ain't going to solve anything, Trace.

Not this.

This letter.

Oh.

Who are you writing to? The Association of Edfeelers. Get old Gerald struck of.

Would you like me to get you a glass?

Oh, no thanks. Tastes like neck.

So,

who's the letter to, then?

Daryl.

Saying your sorrys, are you? Yeah.

I feel really guilty for what I've put him through.

Trace, it's nothing to go into sackcloth and ashes for.

You only thought about doing noughties. Yes, but I'd have done more than think

about it if Gerald had been game.

But you're a woman on your own.

Your juices are bound to get the better of you now, aren't they?

I know.

I don't think I'm going to be able to go about a man until Daryl gets that.

I really used to enjoy sex.

Lean up against that washing machine when it's on spin, ain't no substitute.

Now the tumble dryer's better.

You ain't going to put that in that letter to Daryl, are you?

No. Well, not about being desperate for it, but I am going to tell him the old

truth about Gerald.

Harry was right about me fancying him.

Are you serious?

Yes.

What do you think is the best way to put it?

Leave a big blank page.

You tell Daryl that, it could send him right over the top.

He'd be ready to believe you're having an affair with anyone from Dutty to

Julian Cleary.

But I want to tell him the truth. After the way I had to go at him about the

banks, I'd be an hypocrite if I lied.

Don't be so sick, Trace.

It's lies what make the world go round.

I thought that was love.

You've been reading too many Barbara Cartlands, you have.

It's when people stop lying the trouble begins.

That's not true.

Gerald said... Listen, you're going round Dorian to apologise later, aren't

Yeah. What are you going to say?

Something like, sorry, Dorian, I was wrong. You're not a nosy old scrubber.

Yeah, something like that.

But she is a nosy old scrubber.

So you'll be lying.

Listen, Trace, you tell Daryl the truth, all you're going to do is upset him and

cause you both a load more grief.

Whereas if you say this Gerald was a bit of a chancer and you showed him the red

card, it'd be smiles all round.

He's a good girl.

You know, it makes sense.

started smoking again, are you? Yeah. All that going about's doing is giving

the ump and nails that look like I've been digging coal.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Of course not.

I was going to pack it in with you.

All they do is make you smell like an old ashtray, ruin your elf and cost a

fortune.

Okay, then. We'll both stop.

Yep.

All you need is a little bit of willpower.

We don't need no therapist putting the fluence on us, eh, Trace?

Just have one last one, shall we?

What do I do when you are far

away?

Get ready for more cackles than a hyena on laughing gas. More giggles than a

naughty kid in a sweet shop. More laughter than a... Whatever.

Anyway, basically, it's the Kenny Everett television show after the break.