Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you?

That's not your wife, dear doppeloppeter.

Nah, your wife won't come.

So is this charming young lady, then. A relation, is she?

Nah, but we had relations.

A few times.

I see.

And what is this? This artefact?

Well, I made it. She's got a little boy.

It's his birthday.

Ah.

Did you help to make the little boy as well?

It's hard to be certain.

There's quite a few contenders for that title.

You catch me drift?

Ah, yes.

So you have laboured in the prison workshop to produce this charming,

to bring a moment's birthday joy to the life of an unfortunate infant.

Yes.

How pathetic.

How perfectly nauseating.

What's the poor little bleeder's name?

Wayne.

Wayne.

Watch your dog.

Hello, darling.

Thanks for coming.

What slag was he and Chris for?

Well, Chris ain't got no one coming to see him, has he?

Sharon should come, but she never turns up. Well, he can't expect her to, can

he? The way he behaved to her.

He was bonking everything in sight.

Including that one.

Yeah, I know, but he really needs to see her. He really does.

He's starting to go a bit funny.

How do you mean, funny?

Well, it started last week.

Harrison, he's one of the trustees, has had a lot of marijuana smuggled in.

He was working in the kitchens at the time and they suddenly sprung a search

him. So he tipped it all in the Irish stew.

Oh my God.

The whole of B -Wing was up all night singing Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Chris and Reginald was carrying like a couple of loonies.

What, are you and Chris in the same cell again then? Yeah, me and Chris and

Reginald. What's this Reginald like?

Oh, he's a elf freak, which is a bit of a problem. He eats a lot of brown bread,

spinach, beans and that.

There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

There is when you're sharing a cell with two other girls.

Anyway, halfway through this night, Chris suddenly comes over all weepy

Sharon. He suddenly starts regretting all the things he did on the outside

her. Well, all the things that he was doing with everyone else that he should

have been doing with her, to see what I mean.

And he suddenly starts confessing to Reginald.

Reginald used to be in that game.

What game?

Taking confession.

He was a Roman Catholic priest for a while.

Father Reginald.

Oh, my God, and what now he's in prison?

Well, he wasn't a real one, was he?

He was a con man.

He used to get people to confess, and then he'd blackmail them.

She told me you was with her the night you told me you was watching a midweek

replay at White Hart Lane.

But, Lisa... You are a two -timing, ratty little plonker. Lisa, I can

everything. I don't want your explanation.

And, dear little one, don't want your pop...

Search me.

Right, Theodore, belong to us, back to yourself.

Tracey, tell Sharon I have got to see her, please.

I can't bear it.

Excuse me, is this a rare change?

Yes, thanks, go on then.

Well, I'll give you some then, you stuck -up, selfish cow.

Asked as nicely as that, how could I refuse?

Typical, the Tory trash who live round here, innit?

Won't even spare a bit of change for someone who's hungry and homeless.

Come on, what about a bit of social responsibility?

You tight -fisted slag.

Who are you calling a Tory?

Information, sunshine. I haven't got a penny piece on me.

Cos I'll give you all me change at ten o 'clock this morning.

Eight hours...

When I see you ban three quid off people in ten minutes, which means you're...

What are you doing?

Get out of my face! What's going on down there?

Jesus is getting mad.

Well, come on then, let's help him.

It's nothing to do with me.

What about your social responsibility?

That'd be funny.

I think so.

Leave your toe, Greg.

Did he take your wallet?

I'm afraid so.

Are you hurt?

No, no, no, not really.

Thank you very much for coming to my aid. I was very brave of you.

That's all right.

I'm used to violence.

I'm a married woman.

Well, normally, Marcus never mentions money.

But a week or so ago, he started complaining about the... a cult of my

lessons. French lessons?

Mm, the teacher comes to my house.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about them sort of French lessons?

Please don't be vulgar, Tracy.

And then last week, at Mark's rotary dinner, we were the only couple not

a property in France. It was dreadful.

I haven't been so humiliated since I learnt our phone code was 081.

Well, if you're not buying a place in France, how come you're learning French,

then? Well, I've got to keep up appearances, haven't I?

Marilyn Levitt and Beverly Roden only ever speak French to each other these

days. And all they've got is a park chair and a mobile home in Normandy.

Right.

Some old bloke got muds at the station.

Edmonton? No, Chigwell.

Chigwell?

Yes, it can happen, Dorian.

Muggers can catch trains, you know.

Dreadful riffraff can get into Chigwell.

Brain a checkpoint, keep their oi -palloy out.

No.

I'm doing a prison.

Chris wants to see you.

Oh, yeah.

I often wanted to see him when we was married, but he was otherwise engaged.

Lisa. I was visiting him.

What? Who's Lisa?

Lisa is the old slag. He was knocking off in the back of his zipper the night

before he was nicked. Oh, shit.

He didn't. Oh, yes, he did.

How could he?

I know.

In a cord?

You're in for supper tonight. Me and Dorian's going to cook.

No, thanks. I'm going out tonight.

I've got a date.

Who is?

No one you know.

On your own tonight, then, are you?

My boyfriend'll be back in a minute.

Oh, I see.

He's just walking the rottweil.

Jolly good.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world.

She walks into mine.

Oh, hello.

Do you live around here, then?

No, no, I'm staying at Round Oaks. I'm here on business.

Are you alone?

Yeah. May I buy you a drink?

You certainly might.

Who's Sharon going out with tonight, then?

Dunno. Didn't know there was anyone.

Is she all right?

Well, she's been a bit down lately, but I reckon it's just because she ain't got

a fella.

But she's got a fella now?

Well, yeah, that's what she said.

She's very good of you.

No, in the slightest.

I was going to dime my client anyway, but he left.

So expenses -wise, you can be Marcus Green and the Celsius.

I'm just delighted you were free to join me.

I said I'm delighted you were free to join me. Is she your client? Marcus

Oh, yes.

Do you know him?

What exactly do you do?

Well, financial advisor.

Well, well.

It's an old world, isn't it?

He's, uh... He's rich, Marcus.

He is rich, isn't he?

I could never discount that client. No, no, of course you couldn't.

But he is, isn't he?

Well, Marcus... and I never talk about money, ever. He makes it, I spend it.

I mean, that was always the agreement, right from the start.

Yeah, and you've stuck firm to your side of the bargain through thick and thin,

eh?

Well, there hasn't actually been any thin so far, Tracy. But when I suggested

him the other day that we move... Move?

Yeah. When I said, why don't we move?

Well, what do you want to move for?

Well, lots of reasons.

The area isn't quite what it was.

We'd like a larger garden.

And we're 081, you know.

What do you mean you're 081? We're all 081. We're out of London.

Well, exactly.

Well, you can't move just because of that. It's just two areas. In a London's

071, out of London's 081.

So what's the difference?

Don't be so silly, Tracy. It isn't geography.

It's data.

And those three little numbers are cruelly eloquent. They say so much.

071 says select, 081 says common. I don't care what Maureen Lipman says.

I mean, you can't... Say 081, but a very select part of it, with an ex -JS

cabriolet in the coach house and a jacuzzi in the downstairs bathroom.

They just hear 081 and you are damned.

They know you've got a colonial front door, a Ford Fiesta and a DIY superstore

around the corner.

It is unspeakable.

Those three dreadful numbers lump us in with Haringey, Chinkford and Fry and

Barnet.

The government should never have allowed it to happen. You can't... You can't

move ass just because of a phone code.

Of course I can. I cannot go through life being drenched in shame every time

am asked for my phone code.

It's more than flesh and blood can stand.

Beverly Rosen has had her calling cards printed with the 071 in gold.

I've forgotten your name.

Don. Don Sheridan.

Sharon Theodopoulopoulos.

Pardon?

I married a Greek.

Ah.

About the only thing I've got in common with a queen.

Where is he now?

He's banged up.

In a cell with two other blokes, a well -worn picture of Samantha Fox and a

bucket in the corner.

I don't like him.

No, he treated me like dirt.

And they got him banged to rights.

But is that a civilised way to treat people?

I mean, it's a man for fuck.

You haven't got any kids?

No, no, we couldn't have... He's got a very low sperm count.

Oh, dear.

Which is good news for the future of mankind, I think.

Mind you, the few he had were very liberally shared apps.

He had so many girlfriends, I reckon they must have had about one each.

Is that why you were so unhappy tonight?

What? Well, you said that you'd left your sister and your friend to come here

alone to... To get rat art.

Exactly.

Oh, well, I don't know. A lot of things, really.

No money, no career, no nice ass, no prospects, no size 16s in C &A sales.

And I'm 30 next birthday.

I remember on my 30th birthday, I was given the Sergeant Pepper LP.

Oh, see, you had all that. The swinging 60s. Oh, it must have been wonderful.

Yeah, it must have been.

You all right?

I'm going to sit down.

As soon as the room stops moving, I'm going to sit down.

Oh, this is the worst bit. What?

Well, there's being drunk, which is lovely, right?

Then there's the morning after, which is horrible.

Then there's this bit in between, which is the worst.

Because you know your fun's over and you've got it all to come.

Getting up every hour on the air with a blinding headache to read the words

Armitage Shanks.

At very close quarters.

Sharon, you look terrible.

Yeah, I bet I do.

Still, you both look terrific.

Did your fella bring you back?

I ain't got a fella, Trey. I thought you said... I lied.

I wanted to be miserable on my own.

But I met someone very nice.

He bought me dinner.

Which I think I shall very soon be having another one.

It

wasn't

so much the noise you made each time you parked your dinner.

It was the long pitiful moan you done afterwards that really got me.

Sorry. I don't want to sound heartless, Shell, but next time do you think you

could at least close the door each time?

Sorry? I mean, that bathroom's got great acoustics and all -night stereophonic

chat, which I'm glad I could have done without.

Sorry.

Lisa's been on the phone for you.

What? She wants you to ring her urgently. It's a back frisk.

Thank you for dinner last night.

No, no, no, not at all. I feel terrific.

How are you?

Oh, that'd be lovely.

Yeah, OK then.

See you. Bye.

I've got a date.

Who is this bloke?

He's a financial advisor.

Oh, yeah?

Guess there has been advising.

Where's Shatana?

Marcus. He never reads.

He is.

Marcus nearly went under a little while ago.

That's why there's no Jeets in Bordeaux for Dorian.

Apparently, ten grand either way could sink him now.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

He told me in strictest confidence.

Made me promise not to tell no -one.

Blimey.

Thanks for breakfast.

Do you know when the swinging 60s really started?

1960, I suppose.

No, 1963.

End of the Chatterley band and the Beatles' first LP.

I got mad in 1961.

Two years later, the world went mad.

An explosion of colour, of maturity.

Cannabis, rock and roll.

Strangely situated Mars bars.

The world was having a party and I hadn't been invited.

Me and Sandra listened to Pearl Carr and Teddy Johnson.

Drank baby champagne.

And made a packet of three last a fortnight.

Things were pretty thin. I didn't realise till it was all over I'd missed

everything.

I was born in 1961.

Good God. So you were.

It's a fame for me.

By now, I thought I'd have a nice husband, a couple of kids, a nice house,

golf GTI, and a 26 -inch waist.

Some things in life you just ain't meant to have.

Oh, come on, shall.

Who is this bloke?

You keep asking me that, Tracey. Well, I'll keep asking you that because you

won't tell me.

You know I'm nosy.

Are you going to bring him back here?

What, so you can check him over?

Yes, of course.

It's obviously serious.

No, it ain't. Don't be daft.

Serious. I've seen him a few times.

Five. And each time he come home happy and singing and full of the joy of the

spring. Do I?

Yes.

And I'm dead jealous.

Honestly, Tracy. They're just mates.

He's married.

And he's told me there's no way he's leaving his wife. And that's that.

But he is nice.

Chris makes something that's got some sort of box in it.

Like the bonnet of a model car.

Then he gives it to her.

The screws have already checked it.

Then she puts the dope in the box bit when no one's looking.

Then they have a barney and she chucks it back at him. And now he wants you to

do it for him. Yeah.

Well, the bloke that runs it all will pay me.

That's why that Lisa did it.

We're in your bedroom.

Yes.

After you've taken me out a few times.

Yeah.

Does that mean you was hoping we'd... Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that.

No, it's just... Well, that's exactly what I was hoping, yeah.

Hoping that he'd not taken anything for granted.

No.

You're a perfect gentleman, ain't you?

Well, that's the image I aim to project, yeah.

In the hope that it might prove effective.

Well, I'm afraid I have to tell you that... What?

You may be in with a chance.

Oh, come on, Shell. Tell me who he is.

You don't want to know.

I do.

Look, I might not do it myself anymore, but they don't mean I don't like talking

about it.

So here we start again.

Who is he?

He's the bloke that got mugged at the station.

He can't be.

But he is.

But he's old.

No, he isn't.

Yes, he is. You said he was.

Oh, I never. Yes, you did. You said, this old bloke. Oh, I didn't. You did.

Well, I was wrong.

He isn't old.

Well, how old is he, then?

Well, I mean, yeah, he's a bit older than me.

How much older?

I don't know, a bit.

He's 40 -ish.

He's in his 40s, you know.

Late 40s, 40s.

He's 53.

All right, all right.

Keep your hair on.

It's not the end of the world. People can still walk when they're 53, you

Sharon, you're going out of a wrinkly.

He is not a wrinkly.

It's different these days.

People live longer. They're younger longer.

Sharon, he's 53 now.

When you're 50, you'll be a lot older.

74. 74?

Yes, but it's different these days.

People live longer, much longer.

There's a bloke in Durham who's 104, and he's still healthy.

Oh, yeah?

Going out of him next week, are you?

and healthy man.

53 is not old.

I'm hardly a teeny bopping bimbette myself, am I?

And I know what you're thinking.

And the answer is yes, he can.

A hell of a lot better than Chris could, if you want to know.

I do not want to know.

Well, I did wonder, actually.

Theodopoulopoulos. You are to carpentry what Cyril Smith is to pole vaulting.

What is it?

It's an ornament.

No, it isn't.

No, no, no, it isn't, it isn't. It's an eyesore.

That's what it is.

A purpose -built, hand -crafted, made -to -measure eyesore. You are a wally.

Go on, give it to the poor lady.

Sir.

What?

It's a food choice.

How do you mean?

Well, the governor's wife lives off the food we have in here.

It's a thing with her, you know, to prove it's good stuff.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that, is there?

Well, ever since last month, she's been asking for Irish stew nearly every day.

She keeps telling Ayrton it's not quite as good as it was the first time.

It's not like Greg Ender Lamb, it's like living on a Falkland Islands.

So, what do you think then, eh?

treasure this.

What?

It's not what it is so much.

Although it's lovely.

It's the fact you made it especially for me.

Sharon.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Thank you, my darling.

You leave it out. She'll chuck it over.

I'm going to have to go now.

Because I'm so moved.

Looks like Christmas had better luck this week, then. Yeah.

This is rather embarrassing. I wondered...

possibly stay here the night.

Well, why can't you stay in your own house? Marcus is there.

Yes, I know.

He's your husband, Dorian. You're allowed to spend the night in the same

as your husband.

That's the whole point.

It's all the other men you're not supposed to stay with.

Perhaps that's where you've been going wrong, eh?

Thank you, Tracy, yes. Very funny.

I want to avoid Marcus for a bit.

Why? Our phone bill came just after he left this morning.

And it's rather larger than normal.

Ah, I've been partying with the young ones on the 0898s, have you?

I paid British Telecom for us to be 071 instead of 081.

You can do that.

And I've just found out how much it's going to cost.

How much?

£2 ,000.

I think you'd better stay the week.

The phone's off the hook.

Sandra might ring.

Oh, last night?

Yeah.

Here.

What's this?

Present.

Sergeant Pepper!

Thank you. You're welcome.

And this is for us.

They give it to me.

Try and get me to smuggle the dope.

You didn't do it.

No, of course I didn't.

I ain't a drug runner.

Are they... Yeah.

Reapers, dope, wacky -backy, Lucy in the sky.

This'll help us recapture the swinging 60s, eh?

What'll it do to us?

It'll be an experience, Don.

Well, we'll never get him like this again.

They're big, aren't they?

They certainly are.

Well, come on, then. Let's see the marmalade skies.

Who is it? Police.

Oh, my God.

What do they want?

Oh, my God.

They followed you.

They do that. I saw a programme when they're onto a dope smuggling ring.

Flush it down the loo.

They're worth a fortune. We'll never get them like this again.

Come on, Sharon, or we'll both end up with your husband.

Oh, look,

they won't all go down at once.

Police, open up, please.

Just come in.

Oh, Dom!

Look, we're going to have to wait for the tank to refill.

Look, you lock yourself in, right?

Fill something.

Flush the rest down, right, go on.

Mr Sheridan here, madam.

Yes, officer, he's in the loo.

I tried phoning the room, but the phone seems to be out of order.

Oh, yes.

Only we got his wallet back, you see.

Is that why you're here?

That's right, yeah.

No other reason for being here. No, no, it's on my beat, you see.

Don!

What other reason were you thinking of, madam?

Nothing.

Don, there's no need to... I mean, I think we'll keep the...

Funny thing about

life, isn't it?

Some things you just ain't meant to have.

Thank you.