Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue? What will

I do when I'm alone with

only dreams of you?

Look at the space she's made of this room.

Tracy, it's obvious that you and me living in the same house doesn't work.

We just get on each other's bristles.

I'm going back to Edmonton. I'll ring you. Love, Sharon.

What's the matter? Now what's given you the ump?

I've got the ump. What are you talking about? This.

Well, go on then. Go back to Edmonton if you want.

Oh, you silly care.

I wrote this when we had that row about me cutting my toenails with a bread

knife.

cleaning it tidy up. Too true, madam, and you can start right now.

This place is filthy.

Look.

There's stuff going in there with a deeper pole than the downstairs carpet.

It'll soon scrape out.

Come down, Tracy. You've got a very bad karma, you know. Yeah?

Well, I probably called it from this pigsty.

No, you see, there was this programme on before Neighbours, all about yoga and

how we should deal with the pressures of modern living by spending hours in

peaceful meditation.

It's a very rare and moving experience, Tracey.

It sounds like another excuse to me for you to sit on your jacksie all day.

I mean it. Tidy this room now.

All right, all right.

You got any more of these mugs in here? I'm missing about half a dozen.

Oh, here, there's one here.

I think there's one in here somewhere.

Here.

You are a dirty article.

That'll be Dorian.

I mean it, now tidy this place up.

Yes, milady.

Would you like me to draw your bath afterwards, milady?

20 questions

that tell you if your man measures up.

Where's me felt tip?

Oh, that's right, I left the kebab.

You're feeling okay, Dorian. You're looking a little bit flushed.

Perfectly. I'm meeting Luke in 20 minutes.

Anticipation's half the thrill.

Oh, Tracy.

You've done nothing through that workman, of course, slipping in your

this morning, has it? Good grief, no.

He's, er, my odd job man.

Oh, yeah?

Honestly? So, what's this fever you're after?

I'm arranging a little party and I need your contacts to help fill it out.

Good for you, Tracy. It's about time you spread your social wings.

I'll get Luke to bring round some of his friends from the gymnasium. Oh, Jerome,

it's not that sort of party. It's a product party for me to sell me

Still flogging your fake perfume? Oh, I don't know, Tracy. It's not very

Chigwell, is it? Oh, please, Dorian.

I need the money.

You don't have to get involved. Just invite some of your mates round.

Me? Tracey, I am part of a social enclave.

I don't have any mates.

It's not like you to be unprepared, Dorian.

I've got a couple in my handbag you can borrow if you want.

No, I'm sorry, Tracey. If I introduced my friends to your perfume, they

be my friends anymore.

Oh, don't worry, Trace.

Don't need a stack -up mob.

We'll make a few phone calls and invite some of the family round.

Oh, yeah. We could, couldn't we? Yeah, there's Aunty Sylvie and her Rita and

Angela. Oh, and Captain Terry.

And Sheila.

I think she's out of Holloway now.

Oh, and all the kids.

All the kids?

Must be nearly 30 between them. Yeah, we could have a street party.

Oh, yeah.

Jelly deals, bit of a knees up, bit of ass breaking.

All right, all right. Right, I'll get some of the girls round.

Thank you, Dorian. But couldn't we say it's for a charity or something?

No, I'm not lying.

Don't worry, Dor.

The girls will love our romantic. It's good stuff.

Since I've been wearing it, I've done more pulling than a tug -of -war team.

In fact, I did pull a tug -of -war team.

Oi, stop eating them king prawns like they're sweets. Do you know how much

cost? You're turning into a right neg, you are, Trace.

It's a bit late for the kiss of life, Sharon. It's definitely dead.

I'm sucking the eggs out.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

It's only the same with caviar.

That's only fish eggs, and you'd eat that quick enough, wouldn't you? Yes, on

delicate slices of French toast.

I would not suck them directly from the sturgeon's womb.

Tracy.

A word of advice.

If I were you, I'd get Sharon to keep a low profile when the girls are here.

Women who wear Aromantique suck the eggs out of prawns isn't what you'd call a

winning sales pitch.

Now, what's the matter?

Oh, it must be on its holidays then.

No, it wasn't a mouse. It was probably a beetle or something.

What, wearing a fur coat?

Chase, watch my lips.

It was a mouse.

We've got mice.

We have not.

My house is spotless. You only get mice in dirty holes.

No, you flaming don't. They like clean places.

I well told you that. It's true.

your front door it was odds on some boozy Herbert had chucked up his pronoun

black all over your mat Tracy I know what I thought

ashamed of.

Trey? Be quiet.

This is your fault. You've bought them here.

Me?

Oh, who am I then? The Pied Piper?

You've been too lazy to do any housework. That's why this place is so

I admit my room's a bit untidy. Oh, a bit?

But I cleaned this kitchen.

The floor's clean, the table's clean, the work surfaces are clean.

What about the insides of the cupboard? Look.

Oh, now you're just being picky, aren't you?

I could murder you.

Makes me feel all cootie just thinking about it and running around in here.

Don't you dare tell anyone, especially not Dorian, with her mouth.

I'd die if anyone found out.

You'll have to get some poison.

You can do that, and then we, and that includes you, you lazy cat, are going to

clean this house from top to bottom properly.

All right, all right.

You've given me an headache now.

Where's me norepinephrine?

Upstairs in your bedside drawer. Move!

The kebab.

have you been smoking roll -ups?

Trying to save money, aren't I?

This furnace could do with another once -over.

Tracey, that would be the fifth once -over it's had.

If I do any more polishing, you'll be able to see your face in the carpet.

I want it done properly.

I have done it properly.

Doctors operate in dirtier rooms than this.

Yeah, well, your idea of properly and mine ain't necessarily the same. Have

pulled that dressing table out and done behind it?

It might be a mess.

Any excuse?

It ain't an excuse, Trace. Honestly, I'm terrified of them.

When we had them in the flats, I had the fright of me life.

Opened the drawer and found a dead one in me bra.

Oh, it was horrible.

I had to get Chris to get it out.

In fact, I think that was the last time I let Chris put his hand inside one of

me bras.

Is this the poison?

Yeah.

see him off this wheel. Here, look, read what he has to him. I don't want to

know. I don't like killing things.

I'd rather there was another way to get rid of them.

Well, I suppose we could always leave a little note by the skirting board asking

them to move to Eastbourne for the summer.

It's all right, you starky -care, just because I've got an heart.

Trace, believe me, there is only one way to permanently evict the evil little

monsters.

We've brought enough here to kill an herd of elephants.

We've probably only got one or two.

You never have just one or two, Trace.

They're at it more than Dorian.

You'll need this to give the furniture another once over.

I'll get on with cleaning the oven.

What glamorous lives we do lead.

This smells funny.

It's special ladies' tobacco.

It's scented.

Sent it all the way from Morocco.

Can I sleep with you?

I'm sure I can hear the little beggars scratching about under my floorboards.

Oh, you're a right nuisance.

Thanks, Trace.

Oh, careful.

Sorry, sorry.

I hope you shaved your legs. You'd get worse stubble than George Michael.

I don't want you catching my silk sheets and making them go all bitty.

Shift! Any more orders?

Yes. Go to sleep.

you miss Daryl?

No, it's because they took Crossroads off the telly.

Now please go to sleep.

Trace?

What now?

I don't think that poison's working.

I think the mice look forward to eating it.

I read somewhere that they can become immune, you know.

Super mice, they're called.

Yeah? Wear little red capes and blue tights, will you?

I know what I'm talking about, Tracey.

We'll have to get a cat.

Do you know what I said?

I heard. I'm thinking about it.

A cat would be company.

True. Be no need for you to stay then, will there?

Shift, will you? You give out more heat than a furnace.

I'm on the edge as it is. I don't think there's enough room in here for you.

Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?

Your own sister calling you fat.

I'm not calling you fat. You're just so fidgety.

When we was kids and went to the caravan at Lay's down, you kept me awake all

night with your tossing and turning.

We used to have a laugh down the caravan, though, didn't we? No, we

rained all the time.

And there was no telly.

All we did was play Scrabble every day with Uncle Albert.

And all he knew was swear words.

It was his fault I got kicked out the brownies.

Right, pack it in there, Tracey. It's not funny. Look, it ain't me.

Throw it in there!

What were they getting under the floorboards? There's nothing I can do

Perhaps that'll teach us to clean properly.

What am I going to do?

You can always go in the downstairs toilet. It's got a concrete floor.

They can't get you in there.

Right.

You can't sleep down there.

You watch me.

Here she is, Trace.

Tiddle, the killer cat.

She'll soon get rid of them mice, won't she?

Yeah, well, just as long as you remember you've got to look after her and lay

out for all her food.

She's going to be my protection against them furry terrorists.

I'll be able to sleep easy in my bed once she's with me, won't I? Yes.

I certainly can't spend another night in a toilet.

Woke up this morning with a stiff neck and a ring round me bum.

Where did you get her in the end?

Chris's cousin, George.

The one with the kebab shop?

Yeah, that's the one.

He's got a tabby that gets pregnant, and the mere mention of the word Tom... So

he's always looking for homes.

Let me have her for £4 .80, didn't he?

It's reasonable.

Well, that's the price of two small donnas and a shish.

That's what he reckoned he'd get out of her.

She don't look much of a killer to me.

Of course she is.

They all are.

It's in their nature, innit? It is. It's in your nature. Well, go on, then.

What?

Come on then, tits. Come on. Come and show Aunty Tracy what you can do.

You're a clever pussycat, aren't you? Come on.

We'll show her.

Right.

OK, tits.

Kill. Kill, tits.

Kill. Go on, tits.

in here though.

town of the area there by living in filth. I wouldn't.

Tracy, don't be silly.

Anyone can get might. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Say, I told you.

Are you feeling all right? I'm your friend.

If your home is infested with rodents, I wouldn't assume for one second it was

anything to do with your standards of cleanliness.

Oh, thank you. You do vacuum the floors regularly, don't you? Yes.

I wasn't being critical. It's just they can exist on the tiniest of crumbs.

Honestly, I wasn't criticising.

Well, that's it. I'm not taking the chance of anyone else finding out and

looking down their nose at me. You can tell the girls that this afternoon's

party's cancelled.

She can't.

We need the money. I won't be able to afford to go out this weekend.

Can't we have the perfume party round your house, Dorian? Well, normally I'd

only too glad, but I'm having a man in.

So, he can wait for you in the bedroom till the party's over, can't he?

It's my odd job, man. He's still got a few things to finish off.

Tracy, if you need the money, please don't cancel. I'd feel terrible. Why

you feel terrible?

Having to disappoint the girls. They were really looking forward to it.

You see?

You can't call it off, Trace.

They're dying to throw their wonga at you.

Their what?

Their wonga, their spums, their wedge. I don't know.

I'm sure it'll be OK. Mice are very timid. They won't come out if there's a

crowd. Anyway, Tiddles will see them off, won't she?

Oh, go on, Trace. It'll be a good little wear and wear.

Oh, all right, then.

But what about the dead one in there?

I'll get that for you.

Oh, how could you touch it? Since learning about friends of the earth,

become very at one with nature.

And you remember?

No, but Luke isn't. He's shown me his pamphlets.

You're a friend of a friend of the earth.

Precisely. Bit more to the right, Dorian. Got it.

girls here yet? No, not yet.

Mrs. Free, where's your broom?

My odd job, ma 'am.

I'll be back in a sec.

You're a naughty cat, Tiddles.

Am I supposed to do your piddles in the litter tray?

Where's she gone?

Tiddles!

Tiddles! What if I've done enough, though, Cheryl?

What's that smell?

It's probably just me tobacco, Tracey.

What have you done?

I ain't done nothing.

Just giving the place a final spruce up.

You know me.

Yeah, I do. So what have you done?

I don't want to alarm you, Tracey, but there's a very peculiar smell.

Oh, it's in here.

And the carpet's wet.

Oh, she ain't been over there in all of she.

What do you mean?

It's that cat, isn't it? It's weeds all over. my shake pile.

It's that ear and all.

The old place stinks of cats.

Oh, it ain't that bad.

It's disgusting.

Well, at least the smell will keep the mice away, won't it? Oh, I'm glad you

think it's funny.

Look, Tracey, it'll be all right.

Why don't you get your aromantic samples out? You won't be able to smell a pair

of month -old kippers in here.

I'm not having people in with my ass in this state.

Definitely this time.

Party's off. I knew I should never listen to you two.

Well, you can't cancel now. They'll be here any minute.

Tough. We'll just have to sit here and pretend we're out.

Well, what am I going to tell the girls?

Tell them she was rushed to hospital. You won't be lying.

Bit like hiding from the rent man, isn't it?

I wouldn't know.

They're here.

I've left me fags in the kitchen.

Sharon, pass us your roll -up over.

Look,

it's your fault. You left to go with that till they've gone.

this wacky backy out of my ass.

All right, all right.

Any chance for a refund, doll?

Nothing to do with me.

Luke gets it.

The cat's in the hallway.

She looks so innocent just sitting there.

Oh, no, she's not just sitting there.

I'll kill the little...

You wait.

Do you think they've gone?

I'll go and see.

Oh, Tiddles.

I thought you were about to moan, mate.

I think they've gone.

Are you sure?

God, I was beginning to feel like a criminal.

No offence.

None taken.

I'll get my own bowl.

You're still not talking to me, then.

My house is a health hazard.

I've been shown up in front of my neighbours.

I don't think I'll ever show my face outside that front door again.

Today, you are going to take that cat back to the kebab shop, get someone in

clean my carpet, and ring a proper pest control bloke to come round and sort out

their mice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I will, I will. Yeah, well, all right, just make

sure you do, cos I've had it up to here with you and your cats and...

Bed up.

Morning, darling.

Sharon, you made me jump.

Don't suppose that's the last one you'll have today?

Oh, come on, Trace. Give us a smile. It won't kill you, will it?

Look, don't let it get to you. A couple of the girls have already run to ask me

to tell you not to worry. They all saw the funny side.

Oh, great.

So now you're telling me I'm a laughing stock.

Look, why don't you come to the Haven with me this afternoon? We'll have a

sauna, a massage, the full treatment.

I can't afford it. Oh, don't worry. My treat.

No, thanks. I'm not in the mood.

You saw your Luke Thursday afternoons.

The kitchen fitter that reaps his parts other kitchen fitters cannot reach.

Yes, well, I have cancelled to take Tracy out to cheer her up. Well, thank

but no thank you, Dorian. You go and have your session with Luke. I'd rather

on my own.

I want mine sooner.

Tough! You've got enough to do.

Now, get on with it. Have you run that bloke? I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

Oh, my odd job, man.

You're keen, Mrs Green. Yes, thanks. Finished, have you? Yes.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hello?

Mr Eddon?

Speaking.

Mr Eddon's pest control?

24 hours a day, seven days a week?

That's right.

I thought you was an odd job, man.

No, love.

I'm Booker.

British Pest Control Association.

You haven't got mice, have you, Dorian?

Has she got mice?

Did a one -legged duck swim in circles?

Spread over here now, have they?

Spread over here?

Yes, thank you. Your check will be in the post. I shall see you to your van.

no, you won't.

You two... Look, girls, I feel really bad about this and that's why I've

cancelled all my appointments just to cheer you up. You caused my mice.

trying to be green.

I bought a hundredweight of muesli and stored it in the shed and the mice got

and had a sort of picnic.

I couldn't tell you. I was too embarrassed.

Let's kill her.

No.

I've got a better idea.

Give us these.

Why? What are you going to do? I'm going to let Tiddles into your ass. Oh,

Tracy, no.

She'll rot my underlay.

We're only going and having a Birds of a Feather night, Sunday night from nine.

A touch of romance next, though, when Sharon has a brief encounter with a

dark, handsome financial advisor in Birds of a Feather. So I'll thank you

coming back to me after the break.

What will I do?