Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far away

and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you

that won't come true?

Used morning and night, this moisture -rich, specially formulated cream will

enhance your skin's natural luster and delay the aging process.

You don't believe this cobbler, see?

29 quid that cost me.

Yes, you can't delay the ageing process.

Look at Bruce Forsyth.

Well, what about that mate of Dorian's, then? If I look like her when I'm 45,

I'll be well pleased. Yeah, she's had so many facelifts, she'll have a beard

soon.

Look, you might not give a monkey what you look like when the boys get out of

prison, but I do.

You can't make time staying still.

Wrinkles and bags under your eyes are God's way of telling you you're

Bags? What bags?

Oh, talking of bags, there she is. Stop.

I'm not late, am I? Well, put it this way. We've ordered you a clam and

Well, I'm sorry. It's been a bit of a morning.

Luke's been letting you play with his ceramic hob again, has he?

I have been to Lundquist Kitchen, as it happens.

And I've brought you some new brochures.

Oh, thanks, Dorian. I'll put them with the 97 others you've given me this week.

Well, I'm sure you'll want a press start when Chris is out of prison.

I'd rather have a fresh husband.

Michael Douglas would be due to be getting on with. The way I see it, dear,

way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Must be why Marcus has a peptic ulcer.

What's wrong with that, Dorian? I'm sorry?

Why the sudden obsession with kitchens? Apart from the fact that your Luke flogs

them for a living. Well, that's just it.

He doesn't.

I mean, he isn't.

There's been a slump in sales.

In fact... They've dropped off completely.

I didn't say a word.

It hasn't sold more than a mud tree for weeks now.

I mean, what is wrong with people?

Don't they recognise fine British craftsmanship when they see it?

Lundquist. British.

It's jack crap, isn't it?

Perhaps they're too busy wasting their money on silly and important little

things like interest rises and poll tax bills and stuff.

Not in Chigwell, Tracy. We have accountants for that.

So what's the problem, then?

If Luke doesn't sell a kitchen soon, they are threatening to shut the shop

transfer him to a branch up north.

Oh, goodbye, Luke.

And goodbye, rumpy -pumpy behind the scrubbed -out corner units.

Couldn't you see it in your heart to buy a kitten, Tracy? Yours is at least

three years old.

No, I couldn't. Me and Daryl chose it together. He'd be glad if he came home

find different cabinets.

Look, think of it this way. You'd be bringing your home into the 21st century

and you'd be saving my marriage.

Saving your marriage?

We've got more chance of saving the Brazilian rainforest.

Don't you see? Luke makes my marriage last.

He takes the pressure off poor Marcus by satisfying my essential need.

He performs a vital role.

How do you do it, Dorian?

Her agent, she wants diagrams.

I'm sorry, Dorian, you'll have to find someone else. I don't want a new

Oh, well, the best laid planned.

Or the best planned lay.

You could always try and find yourself a new fella.

In case Lundquist do give Luke the old evo.

Anything here take your fancy?

Sharon, I couldn't.

Luke is a very warm, giving person. He means the world to me.

Nice bum on that one.

What about him over there, look?

Oh, that one up there, look. Oh, he's nice.

Sharon, please. The man with the face like a pizza I can do without.

Sharon, who does he remind you of?

Jason Donovan.

Vinny Hutchins.

That piece of scum.

No, it can't be.

He's doing a five -stretch in medicine with Chris and Daryl, isn't he? I heard

he was there.

Can't have been for good behaviour.

Another graduate of the Nicholas Ridley Charm School.

Anyway, this is all purely academic.

Luke's the one that I want.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I envy Dorian.

What? Her energy, her passion, the way she knows what she wants and she goes

it. No, the way she can blow 60 quid on make -up without batting a false

eyelash.

And that flash motor of hers.

Yeah, nice little motor, innit?

And Luke.

If I found him in my bed, I'd give him 24 hours to get out.

Bloody hell.

Are you acting?

You are as you ask.

Wait for the standard, you said.

See what he's done, you said.

Well, we did, and we have. So now what?

So now chuck us over another gypsy cream, will you?

Pensioner Edna Phillips, 72, is still recovering from shock after the Scarface

Raider thrust a sawn -off shotgun into her stomach.

And all you can think about is gypsy cream.

Cheryl, you've got to face facts.

Vinnie Hutchins pulled a job today and we're witnesses.

We've got to turn him in.

It says here the raider wore an Arsenal bobble hat.

Yeah.

Well, Vinnie supports Spurs, doesn't he?

This is serious. He had a shooter.

Look, Chris and Daryl didn't exactly go to work with water pistols in their

pocket, you know. What are you getting at? My Daryl's shotgun weren't even

loaded. Oh, well, that must have been a huge... comfort to the poor beggars who

had it stuck in their stomachs.

The point is, Tracy Stubbs, you don't grasp on your own.

What do you mean, your own?

Oh, don't be so stupid, Trace.

How do you think Daryl paid for this little lot, eh?

SO tokens.

How dare you compare my Daryl to that slimebag Vinnie Hutchins?

Sorry, your Daryl was the Roger Moore of the sawn -off shotgun, was he?

It don't matter.

You know what your Daryl's going through.

Banged up for years in that Victorian car, see?

No exercise, crap food, having to do his business in a bucket with that nasty

bug roll that slides off your bum.

And you'd wish that on Vinnie Hutchins. Yes, he's a violent criminal.

And what's Daryl?

Desmond Flippin' Tutu?

Look, I've said it before, Trace.

You don't grasp on your own kind.

Do I?

Yeah, well, you bloody well ought to.

Remember that time you sellotaped a fish paste sandwich to the bottom of Miss

Perkins' desk at primary school?

Oh, yeah.

That was great, that was. She didn't find it for weeks.

Yeah. And they'd have carried on blaming smelly Stephen Ridgeway if Lorraine

Morris hadn't grassed you up.

OK. She works for the tax office now.

Well, ain't that taught you anything?

Yes. If I stuck it behind the blackboard, they'd never have found it.

Look, it's hardly in the same league as holding up a building society, is it?

That's true.

You and Garthy aren't exactly living off the ill -gotten gains of a fish -paste

sandwich.

Look, I didn't know how Daryl earned his living.

Exactly.

And you wouldn't have been over the moon if someone had grasped your precious

Daryl up back then, would you?

No, but... Look, let's leave it till morning, eh? Let's sleep on it.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep.

Of course you will.

Try to remember a funny Jim Davidson joke. Always does the trick for me.

Local news headlines at 10 o 'clock.

Loughton geography teacher Trevor Makepeace has begun his attempt to walk

backwards across Australia in order to raise money for a kidney dialysis

machine. And police are still appealing for witnesses in connection with the

armed raid on a Kigwell building society yesterday.

This raid is the third of its kind in the Essex area this week, and police

believe the same man is responsible.

Trouble broke out yesterday.

Hear the news, did you?

Yeah.

This is awful, shall.

All right, Moaning Minnie, I'll clear up later.

This is the third building society he's turned over this week.

Well, you're all right. Your money's in Barclays.

But leave it to the boys in blue, will you, Trace? Keep our noses clean.

Do you really think so? Yes.

Hear no evil, see no evil. That's my motto.

We didn't see nothing, so we've got nothing to worry about.

But we did.

Sorry, officer. I had these funny turns.

Strange mist descends and suddenly I can't see a thing.

You're worse than Chris, you are. When God was giving out principles, you was

behind the bike shed with five Nick Woodbine.

And butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, I suppose. My Daryl is paying his debt

to society and so should Vinnie Hutchins.

You don't mean that.

As far as you're concerned, society could go and get stuffed if your Daryl

back under the duck and dam with you.

Why don't we suss out the boys this afternoon and see what they think?

No way am I going to visit Chris.

But he is your husband.

Don't you have any feelings for him?

Tracey, I've had ear infections I'm more fond of.

I don't know.

You must know what happened, Tracey. You're on the outside.

Daryl, I ain't got the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Phil and David, they're having this dreadful barney about when to bring the

dairy herd in, and me tranny packed up.

You what?

The archers. Everyday story of country folk.

I ain't come all this way to talk about the sodding archers.

No. Sorry, babe.

So what you been up to, then?

Not a... Not a lot, you know. What do you think?

Almost murdered Sharon yesterday for leaving a pickled onion in me Wedgwood

bonbon dish.

Well, you could take a fifth of the chigwell, but you can't make her posh.

Uncle Costas came last week.

Yeah? Yeah, he was about as entertaining as athlete's foot and all.

I'm here, aren't I? Yeah.

Why?

Because there was only Prime Minister's Question Time on the telly this

afternoon.

So tell us what you've been up to, then.

Well, Richard Gere keeps ringing, but I've told Tracy to tell him I'm washing

hair.

And then there's Tom Cruise.

Love him.

insisted on flying me out to Acapulco for a party, but I said, I said, Tom,

got a lovely bit of liver in, don't sit going away.

You know, you should rent that tongue of yours out, you know, so someone could

fly Sam on it.

Who you been strumping in, eh?

Do you mind?

I went out for a drink with one of the girls from Low Price last week, and,

uh... I thought I saw Vinnie Atchins the other day. Yeah, he's out.

Lock up your daughters.

He's still married to that, er... What's his name? Jackie, isn't it? Yeah,

what's that old Vinnie putting it about?

You and him both.

You never exactly thought our wedding vows were carved in stone, did you?

No, but our wedding cake was.

I got a smashing letter from Garfield the other day.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, it's turning into a real chip of the old block.

He ain't been caught nicking software out the computer room again, has he?

But he had to give that Routledge a good going over for shopping him to the

housemaster. Shopping him for what?

For selling Latin translations at a fiver or a fro.

I think he must get his business sent from me.

So, do you reckon Vinnie will go straight?

Yeah, straight back in here.

He's a nasty piece of work, him.

And you're purer than an angel's fart, I suppose.

I know I'm not the ideal husband, Shell, but Vinnie Hutchins, he's a toe rag.

He's a toe rag's toe rag.

Why's that, then?

Well, he knocks his Jackie about, doesn't he? And her with three kiddies.

Oh, nice.

Look, I never knocked you about, did I?

If you'd have tried, you'd have got your teeth back in an ashtray.

Look, I may have carried the shooter, but I never used it. You know that,

Yeah, that's true.

You jump six feet in the air, someone bursts a crisp packet near you.

Give Vinnie Hutchins a gun.

He thinks he's popping off ducks at a fairground.

Look, I'd tell the thought myself if I knew a case like him was tooled up.

I don't want Garfield getting into fights.

But he didn't have no choice, did he? I mean, you don't stitch up a mate, do

you? Oh, sometimes you have to.

No, Tracy, I'm sorry, but that's cobbler.

Mates are mates.

Even if you ate their guts.

I mean, look at me and Chris.

All right.

Last Monday, a bloke on Seawing got unexpectedly circumcised. Do you know

He was Jewish.

No.

He grasped a fella up three years ago, didn't he? And he thought he got away

with it.

Three years it took, but they found him, and they got their own back.

Got a little bit of him back and all.

But that's terrible.

I don't say it's right, Chase.

But that's the way it is. You've got to understand, you don't grow.

And how's that sister of yours, Deb?

Still going out with a creature from 10 ,000 fathoms?

Oh, she ain't, is she?

What, the bloke from Sketchley's, the spotty one?

Oh, she's an half -pick 'un.

Pick 'un, is it?

and their sheepskin clean for nothing.

Get to the point.

Yeah, uh, Chris was saying the other day that Vinnie Atchins is there.

You're a mate of his wife, Jackie, aren't you?

She must be well pleased to have him home again.

Oh, is she?

Oh, well, good for her.

Yeah, that's the trouble, though, isn't it? You kick them out and they do keep

coming back again.

I think Chris made more comebacks than Gary Glitter.

gets violent again, she should go to the woman's refuge.

Well, for her sake, as well as the key.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, I've got to go now, Deb.

How about you and me going out one night, getting rat -arsed, eh?

All right.

Yeah, see you later. Bye.

Well, that poor cow.

I thought my Chris was bad. That Vinnie Hutchins takes the biscuit.

He deserves locking up and the key being thrown away.

What? Grass him up, you mean?

No, send him on a world cruise, Tracy.

But we can't grass, you said.

I thought you had your heart set on winning Supergrass of the Year Award.

And I thought you were going to change the habit of a lifetime and keep your

mouth shut for once.

We are prisoners' wives, Tracy. It is in the job description.

So we don't grass, is that what you're saying?

And meanwhile, poor Jackie Hutchins gets another black eye from accidentally

walking into a door.

Yeah, well, that's not our problem.

Oh, yes, it is.

She's a woman like you and me.

Where's your solidarity with your sisters, eh? You've been watching

again?

I never thought I'd hear myself say it, Trace, but Vinnie Hutchins deserves to

be turned in.

We owe it to womankind.

And what about our debt to the boy?

I don't owe Chris nothing.

In fact, he owes me 147 quid and that gold chain he gave me for his 21st

birthday.

I'm talking about Daryl. I don't aim to lose the fight over Stanley knife

because we stitched up Vinnie Hutchins.

Vinnie Hutchins deserves to have his liberty and one or two other things cut

off.

Well, couldn't we ask Dorian what she thinks we should do?

Dorian? The woman that thinks principles is a dress shop.

A small sherry, please, Sharon.

Do you want a grape peeling while I'm at it?

I had to get out of that house.

Marcus is driving me through distraction.

Why? What's he doing?

Being nice. I can't stand it.

Your ungrateful cow.

Some women would get their right arm to have their man around the house. Yeah,

and some women would be glad to be shot of him. I know. I'm a lucky woman.

I've got a beautiful home. Good luck.

More Jasper Conran than I know what to do with.

Neighbours who never saw you sling your hook. What more could I want?

You tell us. I want Luke.

Just a couple of afternoons a week.

It's not too much to ask, is it?

It do may.

I called the head office today.

He was told that if he hadn't sold a Lundquist kitchen by Friday, they'd shut

down the branch and have him transferred to Ilkley.

Ilkley's not the end of the world, Dorian. You can see it from there.

I mean, it's all the uncertainty, you see. Could I cope without him?

Would he forget me?

And would they convert Lundquist kitchens into yet another body shop?

Oh, you'll find someone else. You'll sort always do. Well, that's just where

you're wrong, Tracy. I love Luke.

And he fulfils my needs.

Listen, Dorian, most women would give up a month's income support for your

needs. Thank you, Sharon. If I'd wanted politics, I'd listen to the Jimmy Young

show.

Oh, turn up the TV. It's Shaw Taylor.

Oh, go on. Cheer yourself up with some poor bastard misfortune. Not at all.

I just want to see if they've found our Capodimonte yet.

Chris's favourite programming.

Taught him everything he knows.

How to get round Edmonton, one way for a panda car up your bum.

How to shoot 500 moody stereos.

What's the matter, Doc?

Bought you Del Monte?

Right.

There he is.

What would you say he was? Early 30s, maybe?

Medium height?

Stocky build?

The one thing you can't see is the fact that his skin is very badly...

Pop -marked.

The jacket is blue in colour. The hat, the woolly hat, red and white.

Arsenal colours.

Do you think you recognise that face?

Let me issue a word of warning. If you do see him, don't go near him, because

he's dangerous.

He has a gun. He's prepared to use it. In fact, one cashier has been shot in

arm. If you can put a name to that face, get in touch with Crime Busters. 0800

555 111.

You don't have to give your name and you could earn a Community Action Trust

reward.

It's that revolting man from the pub.

What man?

Sure, Taylor, don't use that pub.

You remember a couple of days ago.

You know him, don't you?

I've never seen him before in my life, officer.

What was it you called him? Lenny Huggins? Lenny Hutchins? No, no.

Vinnie Hutchins. That was it.

You phoned the police, have you?

Look, we might as well tell her, shall we?

Oh, shut up, Matthew.

Oh, of course.

Your thought don't do that, do they?

I know about these things. I've watched Minder.

Well, don't look at me.

Look, you've got to help us, Dorian. Should we grow up? Grow up?

Has this got something to do with illegal substances?

Do we shock Vinnie Hutchins, hand him over, stitch him up? Well, of course you

do. It's your civic duty.

Yeah, well, it ain't as easy as that. He's a friend of the boys.

So we should keep shtum, right?

He's also a complete psycho that thinks wife's another word for punchbag.

May I ask a question?

Yeah. How big is a Community Action Trust reward?

That's not the point.

Well, it's worth considering.

I mean, are we talking £10 worth of luncheon vouchers or a villa in

I reckon you wouldn't see less than ten grand. I don't believe I'm hearing this.

Two days ago, you said you'd rather wake up next to Norman Tebbit than shot

Benny Hutchins.

No, you're talking blood money.

Well, if they're offering trace, it would be rude to refuse.

So you think we should phone the police?

Yes, I do.

Honesty is always the best policy.

Oh, so you've told Marcus all about your bit of Lundquist leg over, have you?

That's different. The shock would kill him.

No, I think you should phone the police, but not until tomorrow.

As my mother always says, things are never as hard in the morning.

Wake up, faceache.

I am awake, faceache.

There better be a good reason for you bursting in here at... 12 minutes past

three.

I can't sleep.

What do you want, one of me tranks or three bursts of golden slumbers?

I keep thinking about Vinnie Hutchins.

Oh, he's horrible.

Not like that, you leaven.

Oh, I get it. Been working out how you're going to spend the reward money,

you?

Cross my mind.

Oh, I'd love a motor, Trace.

Nothing flash like Dorian's. A little hatchback or something.

You can't drive.

Could take a crash course.

Oh, so you'd have my Darryl done over for a Fiat Panda?

No.

A Golf GTI, at least.

Sharon, you wouldn't. Course I wouldn't. If anything happened to my Darryl, I'd

never forgive you.

Trace, if all I cared about was the reward money, I'd have given Shaw Taylor

ring hours ago.

Yeah, OK.

Now, what I was thinking was, you know who could really do with that money?

No way.

Your Chris can pay off his own gambling debt.

Stuff Chris?

I mean Jackie Hutchins.

Imagine what she could do with ten grand, eh?

Get out of that slum, fortnight in Tenerife, treat her kids.

Well, what do you reckon?

I reckon, Shell, that for a faultless, self -centred cow...

You can be quite nice sometimes.

Here, hang about.

We're going to have to grasp Vinnie Hutchins anonymously, aren't we? I mean,

it's the only way.

How else can we be sure of keeping Mardaro out of it?

Yeah, but what about the reward?

Stuff the reward.

It's ten grand minimum.

Yeah, well, what you've never had, you won't miss.

I've never had size ten hips, but I wouldn't say no.

All the money was going to Jake Hutchins.

Yeah, well, it's all academic now, isn't it?

Shane, Jackie would have liked Tenerife.

Yeah, well, I'll see you in the morning for a bowl of cornflakes and an

anonymous phone call.

Blimey, I never thought I'd turn into a thorn pigeon.

It's the first time for everything.

Actually, it's not the first time.

Eh?

Remember that business with a fish paste sandwich?

Yeah.

I think you owe Lorraine Morris an apology.

It's past eleven and still in your dressing gown.

You're letting yourself go, Tracy.

Not my worst. The next day, just pouring straight vodka on your fruit and fibre.

I overslept, all right.

I had an awful night, as it happens.

Blimey. Last time I did that much tossing and turning in bed, I had cramp

them.

Not anymore.

Dorian Green saves the day.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

I telephoned the police for you.

You what?

I gave them a full description, told them I'd seen the man they were looking

for, and, this bit's brilliant... I can't wait.

I even said I overheard his accomplice calling him Vinnie.

But he didn't. All right, so I bent the truth a little.

But I only did it to protect you.

You shocked Vinnie Hutchins.

The detective I spoke to called me a very hot lead.

But we was going to do it. But were you?

I could see you wrestling with your consciences, so I thought it best, as a

friend, to relieve you of your moral dilemma.

And hence as a knicker.

Well, someone had to claim it. And you were short of readies, I suppose.

Look, I know you think I'm a selfish, spoiled woman, but how I spend this

may finally convince you that I am not.

You're buying a water -purifying system to help the people of Sudan.

No.

I'm buying a kitchen system to help my Luke.

I have never met anyone so...

Oh, I'm gobsmacked, Olivia.

Don't you think your mother might notice this second kitchen when he falls over

it in the hall?

Well, I was hoping you'd keep it in your garage until my friend, Debbie

Zuckerman, can convince her husband that they need a new one. And then you'll

give it to her, at the goodness of your heart? No, at cost price. There's no

such thing as a free ride, Tracy.

Your rides on Luke certainly don't come cheap.

You'd be quizzing at the end of all this, wouldn't you?

Well, making a profit is not a sin, you know.

But through time in your husband is.

Let alone ten -timing.

Do you know, Dorian, I've got a good mind to grass you up for your Marcus.

You wouldn't. You tell me why not.

Friendship?

Loyalty?

A free week at Champneys?

We saw Vinnie Hutchins, so it's our reward money, which makes it our

But you didn't want one. Well, I do now.

Changing your mind isn't a sin, you know.

Look, you give me that kitchen and I'll drop you right in the car seat without a

rubber ring.

Right.

What's Marcus's work number, Shell?

All right.

All right.

You win. The kitchen's yours.

But I warn you, Tracy Stubb, it's got stippled Sienna worktops.

No, I mean, I thought I could play dirty, but you can outdo Maradona.

Yeah. Good, weren't I?

Be honest, Trace. You don't want another kitchen.

No.

But I know someone who does.

It's Jackie Hutchins' phone number.

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