Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone?

Yes, I was eight and a half, so we had to walk home.

Well, that's my news.

What have you been up to?

Time, Tracy, just time.

Oh, come on, Daryl, talk to me.

I'll see you later then, Daryl.

All right.

You could make me, I'm going to miss you. Well, go on then, stay.

We'll let you. I won't miss you that much.

Anything I can do for you on the outside?

Yeah, turn the clock back.

Back? That'd be daft. Turn it forward.

About eight years or do you?

See you then, Billy. Thanks a lot, mate.

Cheer up, mate.

Boy, he dug a tunnel in the roof.

Bye -bye, Billy.

Cheers, Billy. Eight years.

Eight more years.

Well, what have you been up to?

I'm in prison.

Well, yeah, I know that.

Well, that's it.

Well, you must have done something.

I picked up a bent fork in the canteen on Thursday.

Then I put it down again, and I took a straight one.

Oh.

Well, nothing else?

No.

Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you. Sharon dragged me up Romford. You'll never

guess who's working behind the counter at MacReady.

Who? No, Guy.

Beaky? No.

Mickey? Mickey, erm... No.

Johnny Flynn?

No. Karen Oldham?

Simpoe's mother.

Well, I don't know, do I?

Jane Miller.

I don't know any Jane Miller.

Yes, you do. Of course you do. She's the girl that Sharon was sitting next to at

her evening classes after you got sent... You know that fork I was telling

about?

Yeah. Gary got it the next day.

This is ridiculous. We can't spend the next eight years talking about forks.

You don't want to talk about the outside. You don't want to talk about

inside. What do you want to talk about?

Daryl, we're married. We've got to talk. We've got to share something.

There's nothing to... Hey, I'm inside.

You can't share that. I wouldn't want you to.

Daryl, it's driving a wedge between us.

I want to share some of your burden.

I know, girl, I know.

But it can't be done.

We're a world apart.

He had nothing to say to me, nothing.

He just let me go on and on, and all the time I was making things worse, not

better. Well, he's never been very chatty, has he?

We had better conversations, we speak your weight machines.

He can't go on, I can't go on.

Trace, none of us can go on till you start the car.

Look, what more can you do?

You're already travelling halfway across the country to this jail for the next

nine years. It's not enough.

Too right.

Michael has deserved at least 15.

Daryl seems to be able to talk to the other cons all right.

It's because they're all in the same boat, aren't they? Exactly.

They all know exactly what each other's going through, every detail.

Well, if I knew that, if I'd been through it myself, then maybe Daryl

more to say to me.

Trace, you get caught turning over a security van outside Mothercare and

will have plenty to say to you.

Sharon, this weekend I'm going to cut myself off from the outside world and

like Daryl. This box room is going to be my prison.

Who are you trying to kid?

Spending a weekend in a box room ain't going to prove anything.

I'll be able to relate more to Daryl, won't I?

Trace, you won't be able to relate anything to him. You'll have nothing to

either. I don't care. I need to experience it. The boredom, the despair,

sheer grinding horror.

If that's all you want, I plan to take...

Don't bother.

It's only French and Saunders.

Look, if my Daryl can stick to it, so can I.

You'll crack, Trace.

No, I'll not crack.

Well, you are cracked already.

You must be to want to go to prison.

I mean, look around you.

The swimming pool, the sauna.

They're all temptations.

It's just a matter of self -control.

Ah, but your Daryl don't need self -control, does he?

No, it's not walls that make a prison. It's Walden.

To go to prison, you've got to go to prison, not Chigwell.

Then I wouldn't be able to visit there, would I?

Well, that's exactly what I'm saying, isn't it?

You wouldn't last eight minutes in a real prison. You're too soft.

Oh, and you would, I suppose.

Of course.

Oh, all right, then. Prove it.

I don't need to prove it.

I didn't need a judge to sentence me.

I was banged up by circumstance.

No money, no education.

Bad housing, bad marriage.

Fact.

When could I ever do what I really wanted, eh?

Eight years.

I'd be laughing.

I've done 30 and I'm still looking at a life stretch.

Sharon, this is me you're talking to, your sister. I was there, remember?

No. You got a free pardon when you appealed to Daryl.

You've lived the life of Riley, you have.

The Dolce Vita of Chigwell.

Try and sit and make anyone soft.

I am not soft.

I'm going to do my bird.

a bit over the top, innit?

It'll help create an atmosphere.

Well, it's back, it certainly will.

Look, if we're going to be banged up in here for two days... We?

We? Oh, no. This was your idea, girl, not mine.

But you said you could handle it better than me. I thought you was going to show

me how it's done.

Tracey, I know how it's done.

You sit there staring at a blank wall with absolutely nothing to think about

go slowly off your trolley.

No, thanks, love.

Sharon?

You're not leaving me.

I know it. You've gone soft. I am not soft.

Tracy, have you gone soft? Your kitchen door's unlocked.

I mean, you of all people should know better than that anyone could walk in.

I can see that.

I'm locked out.

I mean, look at this. Dead lock.

Mortise lock.

Double security lock.

Don't they work?

Yes, these are Marcus's office keys.

That idiot has taken my house keys with him on a neighbourhood watch convention

in Keighley.

Well, you can't stay here. Well, I can't go anywhere else. I haven't waxed my

legs.

Look, we're cutting ourselves off.

We're locking ourselves in here so we can live like prisoners. Uh, uh, uh, uh,

less of the we.

She's got this daft idea she wants to go to prison to go through what Daryl's

going through.

That's not so daft.

Trapped in a confined space with hundreds of sex -daft men.

About eight years' time.

Oh, I can't wait that long. Where's my address book?

Dorian, my husband's burning up with misery.

We're not interested in your scrubber's night in.

You speak for yourself.

You weren't the only scrubber invited.

Anyway, I've had enough of her majesty's pleasure. Thank you. A bit of me own

now. Come on, Dorian. No.

This is my air.

All right, Dorian, if you're locked out, then I suppose you're left to stay.

But on one condition.

You keep an eye on her.

And I've had enough of you calling me soft.

I was as hard as you when we were kids and I'm as hard as you are now.

We'll see who can stick to being in prison.

Oh, all right then, all right, we will.

And it's her you want to keep an eye on, Dorian, because when she cracks, she'll

have to be on end with a Kleenex in the jacuzzi.

No, I won't be. I'll be too busy laughing.

You're really serious about this, aren't you? Well, I must say, I'm impressed.

Eh? Yes, I'm impressed she's staying here. I can have her room.

Just leave us to it, will you, and lock the door.

the door?

If you had any self -control, you wouldn't leave the door locking. I

neither do I. Good night, Dorian. Good night, girl.

Oh, don't forget to wake me in eight years' time.

Do you mind?

There's someone trying to be depressed down here.

What's the matter, mate?

Can't you sleep?

How many boogie nights in eight years?

A million.

It's a lot of sleep to catch up on when I get out.

Yeah. Me?

I'm going to do it the other way round.

I'm going to get six years' sleep now, so when I get out, I don't have to stop.

I'm going to party till I'm 50.

My boy will be 24.

How can I sleep through the best years of his life?

You've got the wrong idea, mate. Look, prison is a state of mind.

It's not worth fretting over the things you ain't got.

You might as well make good of the things you have got.

Gary, all I've got is suicidal tendencies and a copy of Penthouse.

How do you make the most of those? Slobber yourself to death?

Look, I'll prove it to you.

I'll give you the best weekend you ever had without even leaving Chokey.

Now, what are you missing the most, eh?

worry about Darryl.

I mean it's all right for us. All we've got to do is lie here all night.

Well that's something to look forward to, isn't it?

I mean Darryl's got to cope with the, with the, what's the word?

Boredom.

Sensory deprivation.

I wonder what they think about.

I wonder if they're wondering what we're thinking about.

I wonder if they do that.

They must do because I can't sleep thinking about it.

Not now I know what my Daryl's going through.

Lying awake night after night worrying about me.

If only he knew I was lying awake worrying about him.

Well then he could stop worrying and go to sleep.

And then I wouldn't have to lie awake all night worrying, would I shall?

Sharon? Sharon?

Sharon?

I'm not losing any more beauty things.

Who's soft now?

You are.

Oh, yeah? It wasn't me who wheedled and lied to keep the door unlocked.

It wasn't me who snuck out for a cheese roll like a... Like a... Like a thief?

See, that's why you're soft.

A real connoisseur duck and dies.

Search for an opening.

Scuffle to put one over on the screws.

You live on your whips inside.

And whatever your Daryl's doing, you can bet your life you ain't moping around

wondering who's wondering about him.

He'll be there for the main chance.

Plotting, conniving. Strolling through an open door to raid the fridge.

If he could, he would.

Well, I wouldn't. You're well out of order.

You won't be wanting your one, then.

Kippers for breakfast.

Now, ain't this like a real Saturday?

No, we don't have kippers.

We have ready brick.

Well, Tracy likes it.

Me, I prefer cocoa honey pox.

That's a man's breakfast.

All right.

So what do you do after you finish your cocoa honey pox?

I mean, after I cut out and folded my three Gorbachev masks on the back of the

packet, saved me box stocks for a phony Walkman, and sent off the coupons for me

Debbie Gibson Chancellor. You mean after that?

Gordon Bennett, after that, he's back to bed, isn't he?

After that, I bite down on the plastic dinosaur and knack a 500 quid's worth of

cosmetic dentistry.

All right, all right. You made a meal out of your breakfast.

Well, what did you do to relax?

Normally, I go up with them.

With them?

You're a glutton for punishment, aren't you?

Now, check the bathroom.

You've got two facials, a mud pack and three sachets of body balm. So, Sharon,

if you take first turn on the sunbed, Tracy can have the bath and I'll wax my

legs. Then we'll think about... Dorian, this is supposed to be a prison, not a

beauty salon.

Well, people must have facials, even in prison. No.

Well, I had no idea what a prison was like and then it came to me.

Total exclusion from ordinary human contact, a strict regime, poor diet,

exercise and merciless attendance.

Yeah, prison.

No, health farm.

What's this?

Freshly squeezed carrot juice for the complexion.

Dorian, a prison warden's supposed to be a vicious, bigoted pig.

Why do you think we asked you?

Prisoners don't paint their toenails. They do our degrading work.

Rock breaking, sewing mail bags, mending fishing nets.

Well, I've got a pair of fishnet tights. You can fill the holes in for me.

What about potatoes?

They peel potatoes.

Well, I suppose I could dig a few out the bin for you.

Bin? They're in the vegetable.

Oh, not anymore. I'm not spending another night chasing you round the

Sharon. I decided to remove all temptation.

What about lunch?

What about dinner?

Oh, there's plenty more carrots.

You're in luck.

It's a local derby.

Every game's a local derby in the neck, isn't it?

Check the atmosphere, eh?

You've got to show your ID at the gates.

All the spectators are caged in like animals.

You can't move for the law.

And after crime's been done for GBH.

Just like the real thing.

All right, which side is the Amazon?

Hey, mate, which side's losing?

good time.

There's so much you can do together on a nice Saturday.

You can walk in the park, go to the zoo, drive out in the country, make glorious

love in a field a week.

Who if?

Your Daryl was always at West End on a Saturday.

I know, but I used to think about it while he was there.

Oh, it all might have been for you, innit?

We could have done this, we could have done that.

Trace, you and Daryl could have done any... And what did you do?

Go shopping.

What's that supposed to mean?

All Daryl's freedom meant to you was the full freezer, the clothes, the three

holidays a year, the handbags.

Tracey, you was the Imelda Marcos of Chigwell.

All you cared about was a woman's right to shoe.

It's a wicked thing to say.

Me and Daryl loved each other. I'd give up every single possession to have my

Daryl back now.

It can be seriously offensive when you try, Sharon.

Thank you, Tracy.

I'm trying to be a serious offender, aren't I?

All right, all right, come on.

What's your favourite Saturday night?

Saturday night is a slap -up meal in a really exclusive restaurant.

Done.

Would sir like to step this way?

Can I show sir the tea list?

Yeah, come on in.

Can I recommend the house, Brown?

1983 from a south -facing urn.

It even smelled like shit.

Marcus, it's me.

Because I am locked out.

No, I haven't checked the house.

Because it's the middle of the night, I'm a woman alone, and I don't have any

keys.

You and your crime prevention weekend have my keys.

Oh, Mary Marcus, that's a pathetic excuse.

Yes, it is.

Marcus, I know a pathetic excuse when I hear one. After all, I married one.

What I'm really saying is my whole life has been a complete waste of time.

No, no, not a complete waste.

Just 99%. Look, Trace, when Daryl was there, you never did anything.

You never went to the theatre, you never went to the art galleries.

I bet you never even see a film without Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.

You never did that, neither.

Well, I couldn't afford to, could I? I was poor.

But you never even voted. Yes, I did, in 1987.

Oh, yeah.

And who's for?

Frank Bruno, Sports Personality of the Year.

Look, if I'm so stupid, how comes I can do this?

I don't know.

But then you don't need a degree to peel a crinkle cup chip, do you?

I'm carving as a chess set, aren't I?

I can't play chess.

Neither can you.

Yes, we can. When we were kids, we ran Arnie Silvers, remember?

It's obvious, isn't it?

No, it ain't. It's the OC.

Mother, what are you doing here?

Oh, my God, it's happening. I've turned into my mother overnight.

One minute you're locking people in a room, feeding them slops. The next you

pull pot with a handbag.

Marcus always said this would happen.

Marcus.

The house.

Sunday. We were lucky to just get off with a warning.

I didn't mind you smashing all them plates, but she was pushing it doing the

belly dance and the rice pudding.

But what a Saturday, eh?

So, what do you do on a Sunday?

Sunday is a day of rest.

They sit back, take the phone off the hook, have a few mates round, and plan a

bloody big bank job.

Of course I haven't phoned the police. I haven't got an insurance policy with

the police. Are they going to pay me £150 ,000?

I'm not making a drama out of a crisis.

Well, if that's the way you feel, I suppose you'd better phone the police.

Oh, yes, I'll be sure to make an inventory before they arrive.

Right.

When I get out of jail, Mick stays with our hotel in Bond Street.

Terry the Turk covers the station.

Gary, you've got a car.

I've got a car.

I'll take the bank.

Everybody know what they're doing?

Yeah, everyone.

I've got a good feeling about this one.

We're on a roll.

She should have been here by now.

She's overslept.

That's it. I'm breaking out.

I knew you'd crack first.

Just me skin.

Look at this. Spot.

I'm allergic to anger.

No one's allergic to anger.

Well, I am.

It's a medical fact.

You keep me angry long enough and I'll die.

Don't. What if something's really happened to Dorian?

Well, it could be days before they find us. We could starve.

Oh, yeah.

We'd have to eat each other.

Oh, hang on.

That's not fair. There's more than me.

I'll have to eat both of us.

Thank God Dorian's not here.

Another mouth to feed and we'd be finished.

This is serious, Sharon. She's leaving us here for stew.

Well, she needn't bother with you.

You're soft already.

A Louis XI chair and a Steinway baby grand piano?

Do you live here, madam, or was it more sort of a whereabouts?

You'll need proof of purchase before you can make a claim on insurance for the

jewellery. They didn't come with receipts. They're all family heirloom.

Your family or the royal family?

Shouldn't you be out looking for the burglar?

Madam, according to this list, I should be out looking for a forklift truck and

a pit for his removal bed.

Come on, Dorian, stop playing games!

Look, this isn't games, Trace. This is for real.

She can't do this to us.

We're here again.

Yeah, she's probably there against her toy boy.

I might have laughed at your Daryl, but I'll never take my freedom for granted

again. Me neither.

There is one way out.

Which way?

The strange way.

No way am I getting on that roof.

Lead crystal chandelier.

Met your lamp, shall I?

Terry the Turk still owes her five grand.

He said he's gutted.

He can't get to the bank till Monday.

Monday the 2nd of December 2012.

Still, he's got his 40 Bensons on account. Lovely.

And the board.

Do you know, there's something I've always wanted to do to this poxy game.

There.

Now, I can always pass go and collect 200 quid.

Of course, I'd rather pass Chigwell and pick up Tracy.

Yeah, who wouldn't, eh?

But we had a good time, didn't we? Good weekend.

Yeah.

Still prison, though.

I just wish I could be wherever she is now.

You're right, Trace.

It is the little things you miss.

Yeah, only a full tiara ain't little, and you didn't miss it.

Look on the bright side, eh?

They've still got something to talk to your Daryl about.

Yeah.

If I get bail.