Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue? What will I

do when I'm alone with only

dreams of you that won't...

It is, Trace. It's like when we were kids, isn't it? You know, sorting out

jelly babies.

Green for you, brown for me.

Did they do a brown one?

No.

Did a black one, though.

I always used to try and pick the black ones.

Well, the way I worked it out, if jelly babies were boys, the black ones would

probably have a bit more jelly.

Yes, well, I was young and impressionable then, wasn't I?

Hi, Garth.

Hello, Richard.

People from Dorian, Mrs... Aunty Sharon.

Oh, she doesn't seem to have finished this one.

Oh. Right, you can do the rest of the trip this afternoon, boys.

Well, I must say, you get a better class of empties at Dorian's.

Oh!

It's very liquid.

Boys will be wotsits.

Ain't you talking to me?

Eh? No.

I mean, yeah, I'm talking to you.

What, in sign language?

All right, then I'm not talking to you.

Could have told me.

Oh, look, it ain't that perfectly innocent remark I made, is it?

Is it?

It is, isn't it?

Blimey. Tough when you have to do both sides of an argument.

Innocent remark?

Innocent remark?

Which innocent remark might that be, Sharon?

The perfectly innocent remark about the boys having to take separate showers

here because this ain't a public school?

Or was it the perfectly innocent remark about most boys bringing home dirty wife

hands but Garfield bringing home occupied ones?

Look, look, look. It was just a bit of fun.

I didn't mean anything.

And even if I did... Look, you're always jumping to conclusions, you are.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are. I mean, who was it buried the answer?

Yeah, well, I was, I don't know, such an heavy sleeper.

Look, just because Richard is a sensitive, nicely spoken, 17 -year

Poofter.

See, there you go again. If it don't drool over page three, it's as bent as

Quasimodo's coat hanger.

Tracey, it was a joke. Don't take it so serious. I didn't really mean anything.

No, but you were thinking it.

You were thinking, here comes Garth, never brought a girl home.

You were thinking, here comes Garth, he invites this boy home to stay for the

holidays. This boy, who is not only two years older, but also very good looking.

Yeah. If you like that sort of thing.

And you were saying it looks as if Garth he does.

Like that sort of thing, I mean.

No, you mean.

So you're saying that I'm saying Garth's a bit of a Moulinix blender.

Yes. Trace?

What?

Nothing.

So that's probably the most I've ever said without opening my mouth.

Oh, what a pigsty.

Boys, why can't there be more like us, eh?

A bit tidier with a mess, you know.

More organised.

Oh, dirty socks in one corner, dirty knickers in another, dirty books under

bed.

Tracy, what are you doing?

I'm searching, OK?

And what do you hope to find?

16 bound volumes of gay news?

Julian Cleary fan club badge?

Sooty club membership card?

I don't know, but I'm going to prove to you that my garth is not, you know.

Tracy, you don't have to prove anything to me.

Except perhaps it weren't you that scratched my basic rollers, LP.

That was 16 years ago.

So it was you, then!

Nice try, Sharon.

But you're not going to distract me. I'm going to show you that our suspicions

are totally out of order.

Our suspicions?

Tracy, I told you, I'll take your word for it. It's not good enough.

Look, if you say he's straight, then he's straight.

You've known him since he was a kid.

Almost all his life, in fact.

So he's normal, then?

So why are you looking through that lot?

Tracey, if anyone's going to snoop in other people's things, I want to be in

it.

Oh, have a look.

Oh, damn those staples.

in the nude, what?

The... Tracy?

How am I going to tell Daryl?

Tracy, I've got pictures of us with our arms around each other.

You think that means anything? You're off your hostess trolley.

So you don't think that means anything then?

Oh yeah, it means something.

It means Richard and Garth went into a photo booth somewhere and spent half a

minute with their arms draped loosely around each other.

Everyone does that.

I just don't like the way he's looking at my garthy.

What, you mean with those come -to -bed eyes?

Here, Trace, let's go and finish with this woman's own.

That'll be Dorian.

She don't need an invitation, that one.

Like a sort of Jewish...

Hello, Sharon.

Sorting out your bedding?

There's never a big bed wolf around when you want one, is there?

That was a little red riding hood.

Oh, yeah.

It was Goldilocks who had the free beers, weren't it?

Lucky Goldilocks.

Tracy. Turn off the fan, Tracy. Something's going to hit it.

Tracy, I felt I had to come round to congratulate you. I? I just want to say

think it's marvellous.

All right, I'll give up. What's marvellous, Dorian? The way you've

Richard into your home, of course.

My, my, Grandmother, what big eyes you've got.

I mean, I never realised the working class could be so relaxed about

like this.

You wouldn't like to explain exactly what Dorian means by this, would you,

Sharon?

My, my.

grandmother. What a big mouth she's got.

Ah, you mean you didn't know?

Well, she did.

Then she didn't.

Then she wasn't sure, and then she was.

Well, how stupid of me not to realise, but he is only a friend, isn't he? It's

nothing to be upset about.

Upset? Me?

Upset? Well, let me put it this way. You reckon my son's closest, most intimate

best friend is one of them?

They're just... What does that make Mark half?

Here, you see that? Keezy with the tattoo. I thought you'd never leave.

Hi, Mum.

All right.

Have a good time.

Yeah, great.

Something wrong, Mum?

Aunty Sharon's not been washing her tights in the B -day again, has she?

At least this time she took them off first.

Well, see you later then, Mrs Stubbs.

Yeah, see you later, Mum.

Bye.

Yeah, Trace, you just would not believe that Chigwell helped the aged.

You know, they have got designer labels coming out of their ear holes.

There's bag women out there with better wall jobs than what I've got.

What? And now, wearing last year's cast -off Armani... ..it's now

the inebriate woman.

I've got to thank the girl.

miles on the clock and a blue nanostane on the bench.

You haven't been crying again, have you?

No.

Yeah, it was a sad film.

Oh, yeah.

Real weepy, was it?

Carry on camping.

Oh, Cheryl, what am I going to do?

Oh, come on, Tracy. You can't do nothing.

It's all my fault.

It's nobody's fault.

No one's to blame.

No, it's my fault. I'm his mum. A mum should know.

Know what?

What side he passed his trousers on?

You wouldn't understand since you've managed to dodge the responsibility of

having kids.

Thanks, Trace.

Oh, I'm sorry, Shao. I didn't think.

He certainly doesn't get it from you, does he? What? It's his sensitivity.

A mother should be able to spot the signs.

Signs? Well, little things.

Like... When he was a baby, he always used to sleep on his tummy.

Oh, well, that's it then, isn't it?

Might as well put him in charge of the Queen's pictures now.

Tracey, what the hell are you talking about?

You mean you haven't heard that one?

Tracey, get a grip on reality, girl. Oh, so you don't think that means anything

then? Oh, yeah, yeah, it means something.

It means you're a complete div.

Tracey, pull yourself together.

You're still his mother?

Yeah. No matter what he is, he's still my son, eh?

Right.

Anyway, we don't know who he is. Yeah, but shall... For a start, we don't know

who he is.

Look, it says here... According to the eminent sexologists Masters

and Johnson, phases of this thought are very common among adolescent boys who

almost invariably revert to a normal lifestyle.

Are you saying it might just be a phase he's going through?

Yeah.

Me, Masters and Johnson.

And that fat woman who does the problem pages.

Well, it shows what you know, doesn't it? I never noticed no boys going

no bent phase in Stoke Newinan. Oh, they did, Trace.

But how would you have known if you couldn't get in to see whether they

their tummies or not?

Look, Tracey, if you was a bent kid in Stoke Newinan, you'd hardly go around

advertising the fact, would you?

You might as well wear a sign on your crap saying, kick here.

You've got to admit, it's possible.

A phase, I mean.

Yeah.

OK, it's possible.

Good.

Now, what if it isn't just a phase?

You're trouble, Tracy Stubbs.

Your class is prejudiced against anything that's different.

Listen, I'm not in a class.

Besides, what has class got to do with it? I just know what I want for my

Oh, yeah?

Yes. Job, wife, little kiddies. Ariel, Pittsburgh, up dead angel.

No, not with a public school education he won't end up like that because he'd

in a different class to us.

I thought you weren't in a class, Tracy. I thought you didn't believe in it. I

don't. I just want my girthy to be in a different one.

I just want him to be, well, normal.

Tracy, normal and right aren't always the same thing.

You shouldn't expect your kid to live up to your idea of what's normal.

Look, suppose he does actually turn out to be different.

How are you going to react?

I don't know.

Close, but the correct answer is so what?

Makes sense, Sharon.

Trace, I am making things.

So he's gay.

What difference does it make?

Well, apart from obvious, it means I ain't likely to become a grandma.

Look, why don't you stop thinking about how it's going to affect you and start

thinking about how it's going to affect Garth? Are you calling me selfish? Yes.

Is it going to stop him from being your son?

No. Is it going to stop you being proud of his marks at school?

Have you seen his marks?

Is it going to stop you sneaking a quick hug when you think I ain't looking so

you won't embarrass him? No.

Oh.

Garth will still be Garth and you'll still be his mum.

It's just that he'll be a bit... funny.

Special.

Special?

Yeah. Or maybe I've been a bit selfish, looking at it as my problem.

Well, it ain't.

No, it ain't.

He's Garfield.

And you'll stand by him?

And I'll stand by him.

But not too close, eh?

What?

Well, let me put it this way. Remember I told you I found those copies of Men

Only under his bed?

Yeah. Well, it seems he misunderstood the title.

What? But it's no use screaming and shouting, Daryl. No, no, you're right.

It's just that I can't believe it.

Well, you'd think I made it up.

Some joke that's going round the Prisoners' Wives Association.

Let's all tell our husbands their sons are pusses, see who gets the blackest

eyes. All right, all right.

It's just that, I mean, he's such a well -set -up kid.

Yeah, I know.

Broad -shouldered.

Athletic. Where's brute?

Hmm. Daryl, I know all that. It means nothing.

Quentin Crisp's first lover was a lorry driver.

Who?

Sharon read it in a book somewhere.

Sharon? I might have known this had something to do with Sharon.

Look, this ain't got nothing to do with Sharon. It's to do with Garfield.

You saying I don't know my own son? After 12 months, no.

They change so quickly, Daryl. Yeah, in the dresses, according to you.

No, that's transvestites, not homosexuals.

Transvestites are rarely homosexuals.

Sharon. Sharon.

Whatever he is, it don't make sense.

My son?

I mean...

If he was in trouble with the old Bill... Oh, well, that'd be all right

wouldn't it? Well, at least I could walk around... Oh, at least it'd be manly.

He could go to ball school, learn to fight and steal and smash things up.

he could move on to some serious blagging.

Even land himself a nice little twirl stretch like his dad. Don't get shirty.

ain't down to me. Oh, meaning... Meaning? If you hadn't wrapped him up in

wool... Right, I see. Maybe it might have been different. Right, so it's my

fault. I didn't say that! Good.

Only the thought had crossed my mind that having a dad that knocks over banks

and gets himself locked up might just have had some effect.

In fact, I heard somewhere that where there ain't a father figure, boys can

sometimes turn funny.

Sharon? So if we're going to start dishing out blame, just remember the

neither of us is getting our oats is one of us is doing porridge.

Trace.

That was Chris's fault.

Oh, at last. The truth.

It's Chris's fault, Garfield's bent.

Are you sure?

What am I going to do?

What are you going to do?

All you've got to do is not plan any extensive holidays for the next eight

years.

I'll never be able to show me face up the hammers again.

Oh, rubbish.

They'll just give you a pink season ticket instead of a blue one.

Trotty, you've got to understand that this is a big shock.

Oh, it was a real treat for me, Daryl.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugar, I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too.

So, what are we going to do?

Well, I know what we don't do. We don't start blaming each other, and we don't

blame Garfield.

Look, it needn't be a problem for him unless we make it one.

Right.

Right.

So we keep stumped?

Yeah, I suppose.

Good idea.

The fewer people who know, the better.

They'll throw me out the golf club if they find out.

Oh, so being a blagger's OK, is it?

Yeah, after the committee's been inside.

It is.

I'll never live this down.

Beryl, I was hoping you'd say something useful.

Like what?

I mean, apart from talk to the boy, but, I mean, that's the first thing you do

anyway, isn't it?

You have talked to him, haven't you?

Well, not exactly.

Well, not exactly? Do you mean Garth hasn't told you he's a nut?

That he bats for the other side?

Might have known. It's you jumping to conclusions again. I do not.

By the time you thought he was pregnant, and what happened? I had goth.

Another time. I had kittens.

If I'm always jumping to conclusions, how come I didn't suss that you started

taking other people's money out the bank with a sawn -off checkbook?

You don't know, do you?

What do you think you're playing at, coming in here worrying me stupid when

haven't sounded him out about it?

No, not even close.

Well,

how'd it go then?

Not entirely successful.

Yeah? Do you mean the same way the Titanic didn't entirely get to New York?

Thinks I'm off me rocker.

Well, that makes two of us.

Oh, hello, door.

Look at that.

Terrible waste of a terrific little body, eh?

I don't know. I really don't know.

Don't know what?

I don't know.

You don't know what you don't know?

Well, at least I'm one up on you, Dorian.

At least I know what I don't know.

So, how are you going to do it then?

Search me.

Well, if you ask me... Well, go on then, ask me.

All right, I'm asking you.

If you ask me, you can go about this in two ways.

You can either say, Garth, do you feel that the works of Oscar Wilde have

received... unjust criticism based on the author's private life rather than

their literary merit.

Or... Or you can say, Garth, are you a shirtlifter?

What are you boys saying?

I don't know.

Can't I talk round it a bit first?

OK, then let's have a little practice.

What?

I'll be Garth and you be you.

You do your little talk to me.

Sharon, I'm having enough trouble picturing Garth as an homosexual.

I don't think I could cope with a Garth who's wearing an Evans hat so I could

drop an M &M's.

I've got to lose.

All right, but you've got to be serious.

Promise.

Right.

Garth? Yes, Mum?

I wanted to have a word with you.

Yes, Mum?

I wanted to have a word with you about, well, you know, things.

Things, Mum?

Right, I'm not doing it if you don't take it serious.

Sorry, right.

Go.

Right.

Garth, I was wondering if you were having any kind of worry or doubt, kind

in the sexual areas of your life.

You mean apart from being a woolly wolf to me?

You make one more crap like that and I'll feed you that pina colada

intravenously. Little umbrella and all.

I'm sorry, Trace. Just haven't you got to admit your approach is a bit

isn't it? Oh.

So you could do better, could you? Well, go on then, do it.

What? You be me and I'll be Garth.

OK, then. Right.

Right, Garth.

Yes, Mum?

Sit down a bit, love, eh?

You've had a rough time with it lately, haven't you?

Yes, Mum.

Well, I just want you to know that I'm proud of the way you got through it.

Your dad being put away and stuff.

It's been hard on you, but, well, I don't know how I'd have managed without

Thanks, Mum.

Garth, if there's anything you ever want to tell me, I mean, not now, when

you're ready, I just want you to know that I love you, that I'm on your side.

Whatever you do, whatever anyone sees...

Nothing ever's going to change that.

And if you feel that there's something, I don't know, that you're different from

other boys, or that something's worrying you, I'd like to feel that you could

come and tell me in your own time.

You do understand what I'm saying, don't you, girl?

I'm sorry.

Sit down for a minute, eh?

Go on.

Garth, I... Where's Richard?

Oh, er... He's gone next door to help Dorian out with something.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, er... Her porch light's not working or something. She can't reach

Right. Garth.

Now, this isn't easy for me.

But what I wanted to say was, well, I was wondering if you was having any kind

of problems, like of a... ..private nature,

you might want to tell me about.

What? Well, you're probably going through changes at the moment, but I

to know... Oh, Mum, I had sex at school.

Mr Bannister showed us a video.

Oh, God.

Look. It's going to be tough for a time. We've got to manage without your dad,

and you're coming up to a time in your life when things could get difficult.

Dangerous.

But I want you to know that whatever you do, whatever you are, I'm on your side.

Great. Can I go now?

No. Look, what Sharon means is, well, if you're feeling uncomfortable because

you're different to other boys... What do you mean, different?

Shut up. I haven't finished yet.

Look, what I'm trying to say is you shouldn't bottle it all up.

You should just, well, you know, be brave. Let it out.

Open the wardrobe door.

I will.

Will I be off then? No, you won't.

Look, what I'm trying to say is... Yeah?

Different people have different tastes.

Like, some men like tall girls, some men like short girls.

Welshmen like sheep.

you were puffed up.

What happened to subtle?

You tried that and look where it got you.

Because you live in Manchester, don't mean you can't support Chelsea.

Well, yeah.

Are you sure you're not... Positive.

See you later, Mum.

Yeah, see you later, girl.

Well,

he seemed to take that all right, didn't he?

Yeah, like a man.

Yeah.

Probably means he's a puff.

Tracy, I must talk to you.

What? You've come to tell us that we was wrong about you. You're really frigid

and all the boys are just for appearances.

What? Oh, don't be absurd.

All right, what do you want to talk to me about, Dorian? Well, it's Richard.

Uh, Dorian, I don't think this is a good... No, no, no, listen.

You remember I said that I thought Richard was?

But that didn't mean that Garth was.

Well, anyway, I thought that if Richard wasn't, then Garth couldn't be, and the

good news is he isn't.

Dorian, have you been mixing tranks and antifreeze again?

Let's put it this way.

You can stop worrying about Darth because you can take it from me that

is definitely straight.

You die!

It's time for your daily dose of hyperactive tomfoolery next, so suck up

old e -numbers, it's the Kenny Everett television show.