Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you?

So far this week I've had a gas bill, one from the electric and the car

insurance.

Sometimes I feel like I'm running just to stand still.

You are.

I ain't told Daryl a call.

I mean, he's got enough on his plate. But it ain't easy, Dorian.

I went up Sainsbury's yesterday and nearly went into shock at the checkout.

Why, did someone offer to pack you shopping?

Do you know what a box of tea bags costs today?

No, but then I don't know what a box of tea bags costs. I haven't had intimate

contact with a teabag since Marcus introduced me to Earl Grey.

But all you have to do is flash your plastics and Marcus picks up the tab.

These are not plastics.

I mean your credit cards, not your frockney bits.

Oh, I see.

Well, of course Marcus picks up the tab.

I'm sure Daryl would pick up your tab if he didn't have his hands full of

mailbags. He's not doing mailbags no more.

He's reproofing Sam Westers for like... Well, as long as it's creatively

fulfilled.

There's plenty of swap.

Oh, yes, there is.

Actually,

and I don't want this going beyond this gym, I don't have any credit cards to

flash at the moment.

What, someone pinched her?

Yes. But Marcus hasn't told the police. He said the thief is spending less money

than I was.

Really? No, Tracy, it's a joke. Oh, because he's got to smack the truth

it. So what's really happened to your flexible friends, then?

Marcus has instituted an economy drive and locked all my cars in the office

safe. The business is going for a slow patch, you see.

Really? Yeah.

We're even talking about getting a cheaper car.

Tracy, I've just had a brainwave.

selling Daryl's Jaguar?

You know what?

Well, it would solve both our problems.

You'd make some ready cash, and we'd have a car we know has been treated with

kid gloves, if only to prevent fingerprints.

When Daryl was sent down, he made me promise to keep everything exactly as it

was. Well, why do you think I'm doing all this bending and thrusting?

Well, it was just a thought. I mean, you hardly ever drive it. And when Daryl

gets out, you can imagine the insurance he'll have to pay as a professional bank

robber.

I could smell four sweaty armpits.

What are you doing down here, Doreen? It ain't your room, Shane.

Don't annoy me, Sharon.

Here, Trace.

You'll never guess who I see getting out of a brand -new sports car at the

parade. You're right, I'll never guess, but you might as well tell me.

All right, spoilsport.

Lisa.

Lisa Rowe.

What's she doing round here?

Earning a packet.

So I thought, seeing as we're a bit short, I'd ask her how she's doing it. I

imagine how she's doing it.

She ain't working horizontal no more.

She's in the perfume game now.

Judging by the niff in here, I brought her round in a nick of time.

What? You brought her round?

She's in my house.

is every encounter is an opportunity.

When you go up Tesco's, flog some to the checkout girl. You get on a bus, flog

some to the driver.

You go down to Bingo, target all the grannies. And once you've got a

you get them to flog it to their friends.

Piece of cake.

Relax, Tracy, I ain't Nick Nothing.

There's nothing you've got I can't afford.

I pulled down five big ones last week.

And you still find time to settle that burden.

of shames of my past, so I went with men to pay the rent and feed me kids. Don't

everyone? No.

Anyway, you didn't pay the rent.

He was on rent strike like the rest of us.

That's all ancient history.

Now, do you want to get rich quick or not?

Of course we do.

I just don't see Aisling cheating. Then shut up and you might learn something.

Right. Let's suppose in the first month you sell four large bottles of

Aromantique at £3 .28 profit a bottle.

You'll make... £13 .12 profit.

That's a hell of a way from five grand a week.

That's only month one.

Now, in month two, you don't only sell four bottles, you recruit two new

distributors who also sell four bottles.

And then we make five grand.

And then you make another £13 .12.

Wow. Get the smelling salts, Shell. A lot of people lose their enthusiasm

month two.

Oh, we won't. Not with over £26 a show for our show.

This is where it gets exciting.

You excited, Shell?

Wetting myself, Tracey.

Because you make commission on everything your recruits can flog and

their recruits can flog and everything their recruits can... Yeah, yeah, yeah,

we get the general drift, but what does it amount to?

Let's just say...

With my network of recruits, I can make 20 grand a month without getting out of

bed. So no change there, then?

I've given you enough chances, Tracy Stubbs.

Oh, no, hold on, hold on, Lise. Don't listen to her. I'm game.

I didn't say I wasn't interested.

All right, we'll give it a bash.

Congratulations, you've just made a life -changing decision.

What does this gear actually smell like?

What's that got to do with anything?

Yes, it does smell remarkably like your favourite perfume, doesn't it? And at a

fraction of the price.

So you too can feel sensuous and desirable without breaking the bank.

Breaking the bank? You'll never guess what I just did to the postman. You

I didn't crush his circulars.

I only flogged him some aftershave, didn't I?

What, out of magic books?

Yep, it was brilliant. I just said, morning, Peter, what's your favourite

And he told me, and I told him not to be such a cheeky little beggar, what was

his favourite aftershave I meant.

And he said, and I said, don't you think this one is very reminiscent of it? And

he said, yeah, it is, as it happens, after I explained to him what

meant. And I said, what would you say if I told you you could have 100ml of

this? For the price of 25 mil or that. Yeah. And he said, nah.

And I said, yeah.

And he said, leave it at. And I said, straight up, do you want some?

And he said, do you mean the aftershave or what?

And I said, what?

And he said, I'll see you tonight. And I said, I'm a married woman.

And then he bought some.

The big bottle, there and then, paid cash.

See, I told you, Trace.

Lisa was right.

We are going to be two rich bitches.

What are you doing here? We were supposed to meet outside Rumbelows.

Well, I finished early, so I thought I'd come and soak me feet.

But... But I didn't take me key.

Well, why not?

Because I thought we was meeting outside Rumbelows.

Get a grip, Trace, get a grip.

So, how'd you get on then?

Oh, not bad for the first time, Matt. You?

I had a...

An interesting day? Me too.

Very eye -opening.

There's a lot to this selling game, you know.

Yeah, well, you mustn't expect to run before you can walk.

Not that I expect to be able to walk again this month.

So, how much to get rid of, then?

How do you mean?

I mean, how much Aromantique did you part with in exchange for cash or

under £50 supported by a valid cheque guarantee card?

Look, it ain't just a case of taking orders, Shell.

Like the handbook says, you've got to build up your territory, do your market

research, develop your contacts.

That's the opposition.

You didn't sell any, did you?

I'll put it like that.

I got rid of all of mine.

All of it? How did you manage that?

I flung the whole stinking lot into the canal.

You never.

I did.

It was a complete waste of time.

I must have gone into 50 shops and offices and didn't get a single tickle.

Not even in Lovecraft.

Oh, Sharon, the canal.

Yeah, well, make the fish feel sensuous and desirable, won't it?

Lisa, go bar me.

Oh, tough tippy.

I didn't flog any.

She's saturated, Chigwell.

The bank, the pet shop, do her, do it all.

I knew we should never have trusted that flag.

What do you mean, you knew?

It was you what talked me into it.

I see Lisa's clothes and that car. I mean, you can't deny she's done all

Trace. Oh, of course she's done all right. She was in on the grand floor.

But we were on the top floor and the lift broke.

And now what?

Oh, don't ask me.

Back to square one, I suppose, with a stack of outgoings and not enough

incomings. Not exactly back to square one, Trace.

Oh, blimey.

That's another 300 quid a month.

Where am I going to get that from?

1988 Jaguar, 18 ,000 miles.

Yeah, I know it's below average, but my husband hasn't been getting out much

lately.

Yeah, air conditioning, leather seat, derio, all the bits.

Right, I'll hold.

I thought you were going to try and flog it to Dorian. I am, but I'm trying to

find out what it's worth. Yes, I'm still here.

Right, and you'll put it on for 20k ono.

20k, no?

Ukraine's our nearest offer.

Oh, right you are, then. And it goes on the computer straight away?

Great.

Me credit card number. Hold on.

Tracy asked me to pop in for coffee.

Must be a whole new experience for you, Dory.

Getting invited round.

Lovely. Thank you. Bye.

Oh, glad you could pop in.

Fancy a coffee?

Is it real, or is it freeze -dried and you try to fool your guests by imitating

a puking cat while you boil it?

Might as well ask.

Lovely.

Tracy, Sharon, I hope you don't take this amiss, but people are talking.

I know.

People have been talking for nearly a million years.

distinguishes us from the higher eight.

That and file of faxes.

What exactly have people been talking about, Dorian? People are talking,

about two of our neighbours hawking cheap scent round Chigwell like a couple

gypsies. Who's doing that, then?

Nothing wrong with gypsies. I like gypsies. Well, so do I. They're very

picturesque. They make wonderful violinists and very skilful scrap metal

dealers, but in Chigwell... Oh, you're so stuck up. Just because we don't make

people pay through the nose for fancy packaging... Tracy?

Remember the handbook?

Aye. Lesson one, don't antagonise the customer.

Customer? Oh, I see. You want me to buy some.

Oh, why not? Order me a bottle for my mother.

Oh, right.

Which one? It doesn't matter. She had a slight stroke three years ago. Now she's

got no sense of smell.

The perfect punter.

Oh.

So, how's the car running going?

We've seen nothing we fancy.

Have a bite, Aunt Dorian. Oh, very nice.

Thank you, Tracy.

Dorian, I suppose you're hoping that Tracy will change her mind about selling

you the jag.

Sharon, you're psychic.

Must be me gypsy blood.

Change me mind about selling you the jag.

Wonderful.

But you were so adamant. I know, but you were right.

He will want a new car when he gets back, and it's silly just letting it

dust. Yes, and of course the mortgage interest rate just went up again.

£15 ,000.

What? We'll give you £15 ,000 for the car.

Computer car said it's worth at least £20 ,000.

Yes, but they don't know it belongs to a convicted felon, do they?

You know where the door is, don't you, Dorian?

It's that large opening at the end of the hall, slightly smaller than your

mouth.

She's got some neck.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, the Beatles are getting back together again now.

Look out for a car just like it. Come on. Where are we going? Outside. I'll

wash, you can wipe.

Mrs Stubbs.

It's me.

I've come about the Jaguar.

Oh, great.

Blimey, that was quick.

She's only just put it on the computer.

It's a lovely car.

Yeah. We'll be heartbroken to part with it.

Not that we've got to sell it, ain't I?

Oh, we haven't got to sell it. It's just that we're a Ford with a colour ratio.

Now, the price is no problem if it's the car I want.

Well, computer cars said it's worth at least 20 kronos.

Now, if you could just pull the bonnet release for me.

Ah, you got me there.

Look, I know this makes me sound like a right donk, but the boot and the bonnet

are a mystery to me. Yeah, I'll get it.

You know.

First borrowed a jag once.

Oh, we said he borrowed it.

Then why did he spray it and change another plate the next day?

That seems in order. Do you have the registration document?

Oh, yeah.

There's that shell.

Here. Thank you.

Oh, I see your husband registered a care of a pier box number in the city house.

I'm sure he had his reasons.

Not to worry.

If I could just take it for a test drive. Yeah, yeah, of course, help

Oh, I'd better check my bike fits in the boot.

Well, I'll do that.

Thank you.

Oh, isn't that clever?

It's good, isn't it? It's really clever, isn't it?

Here, you get the wheel.

My fingers.

Yeah.

In you go.

Yeah, I know it's been repossessed. That's what your underling said.

Yeah, but how does me sister get it back?

Oh, right.

Gotcha. Thanks very much. Bye.

Well?

It's back in the showroom.

You can have it back by the end of the week if you pop along with 18 fares and

dim reddies.

Doddle.

This is the last straw.

I might as well go upstairs and slash me wrists.

What with? Your lady shave?

Calm down, Tracey. You ain't on Kilroy.

Oh, ain't you got no sympathy?

No, I'm too angry for sympathy.

And so should you be.

I mean, what sort of husband is he, your Daryl, eh?

Any decent villain would have stashed away some moody money for his wife and

loved ones.

Oh, no, I'm not sure, old man. He didn't even pay cash for his car.

Are you sure this house ain't rented?

Cheek. No -one pays rent here.

Though one of us might have to start.

What's the point?

You're wasting your breath.

Maybe, but what have I got to lose?

The sight of one eye?

Hello.

You want something?

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what's your favourite perfume?

You what?

Your favourite perfume.

Are you taking the piss?

No, I just thought that you might be interested in a perfume that smells

the same as your favourite, but less... Now, listen, you stupid cow.

I have to go without fags to find the fare to visit my old man here. I can't

afford soap, let alone poxy perfume.

Sorry, I didn't mean anything. I've seen you here, showing out week after week

with your flash clothes and your jewellery and your streaky hair. What do

know about going without?

She knows.

She's...

I've said me stories, haven't I?

They are.

Right, you lucky people.

Howe, Walker, Jenkin, Fowler. Come on down.

Pierce, Greenwood, Stubbs, Scargill. Some relation, I hope.

Theodopolopoulos.

Mrs. Theodopoulopoulos.

Present.

I must say, you don't look like any of the photos your old man's got over his

bunk. Fair enough.

You don't look like none of the blokes I've had in mind.

Coming in, then.

Thanks. I only come to keep my sister company.

Your old man's going to be really cut up.

Yeah? Well, you tell me who's doing the cutting and I'll send him a thank you

card.

I'm making a guitar in woodwork.

Yeah? Yeah.

It's slow going, mind, because they keep all the tools blunt for security

reasons.

You all right,

Tracy? You look a bit off colour.

No, I'm fine.

When I've finished it, I'm going to take lessons.

You changed your perfume?

Yeah. Do you like it?

No, it's horrible.

Thanks.

No, I don't mean it's horrible. It's just... You know I hate you changing

things. I know, but I'm trying to make some money, Daryl.

Yeah, you haven't forgotten my cigar, have you?

No, of course not.

What's this?

Where's my Havana?

Do you know how much they cost?

It's only one a fortnight.

This is pathetic.

I mean, you can't imagine Winston Churchill saving the Empire with one of

pitiful little things stuck in his gob, can you?

They say size isn't everything.

Half bloody half.

I'm sorry, Dale, but money's been very tight lately.

I look forward to a good smoke.

Everything's going up.

The mortgage rate's gone through the roof, so I don't suppose you'd notice

living in here in free.

Tracy!

If only you'd put the money aside for me.

It's all in the house, Tracy.

Well, I can't find it.

No, I mean, it's all tied up in the bricks and mortar, isn't it?

When we sell, we'll be millionaires.

Are you saying I should sell?

Over my dead body. That house is for when I get out. It's an investment for

middle years.

I ain't going to have no middle years if I don't get some cash soon. I'll be

dead of starvation. Don't you think you're going a bit over the top? No, I'm

not. I'm thinking, Daryl.

And he'd go after his school fees.

No way are you taking him out of public school. I suppose that gold watch.

Oh, not the one I gave you. No, the one I gave you.

And then there's the jag.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me you're flogging me jag.

No, of course not.

Oh, thank God for that.

Tracy, you must never, under any circumstances, sell my Jaguar.

What am I supposed to do, Daryl?

Look, all right, I wasn't going to tell you this, but as it happens, I do have a

nice little wad tucked away.

What? Then why haven't you never said?

I was keeping it for an emergency.

Daryl, this is an emergency.

Yeah.

All right, I suppose.

So where is it, then?

You know I don't take sugar.

It's good for shock, isn't it?

Yeah, but not as good for shock as being told your old man's hidden 25 grand in

the spare tyre of his Jag the day after it's been repossessed.

Look, it ain't all bad, Trace.

You owed 18 grand on it, so you're only really 7 ,000 out of pocket.

Oh, so that's all right then, isn't it?

I mean, fancy hiding money in a car you ain't even paid for. It's criminal.

Well, he is a criminal, isn't he?

Hold on.

Hold on. All is not lost.

Why don't we mosey on up to the garage, ask to look inside the spare wheel, and

bingo. Three years for receiving.

Oh, yeah.

Didn't think of that. No, you never think of nothing, Sharon.

No, we're never going to see that money now.

Not necessarily.

I'm working well here.

Why don't we ask if we can take the car for a test drive, run it round to one of

them tyre places and do a quick swap?

And you really think they're just going to let someone get in that car and drive

off with it?

Well, you did.

Stop, Sharon.

Oh, better still.

We take the Nissan up the gauge, say we want to part exchange it for the Jag,

sign an HP agreement for the balance, drive it off.

Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt and your gran's in the Air Force.

Sharon, that is the most brilliant idea you've ever had.

Good afternoon, madam.

I want to buy the car of the week. Tracy!

You've got to be a bit cagey.

Why? We might be able to knock them down a couple of hundred on the price.

Why bother?

25 grand in the boot.

Well, you don't know that, do you?

We'd like to have a look at some of your low -mileage XT6s, please.

Including your car of the week.

Certainly. All our motors come with a full service history and a year's

warranty. Parts and labour.

That's good.

It's good, isn't it, Cheryl?

Oh, very good choice.

So, tell us about your car of the week. Amongst others.

Right.

Well, it's a very fine example, and we're practically giving it away.

Really? Give us the keys, then, and we'll shoot off.

Very good. No, I mean giving it away, figuratively speaking.

It's 3 ,000 under book price.

Really? I can't. Sharon knows.

Well, strictly between us three.

We're clearing it for a finance company.

You see, it used to be owned by this notorious bank robber.

Nasty bit of work. He registered it in the silly hours and never paid a single

instalment. It would never have been recovered, only his bimbo wife goes and

tries to sell it through a computer.

She has a direct line through to Scotland Yard. Everyone knows that.

Does everyone know that?

I didn't know that.

Did you know that, Tracey?

If I did, it must have slipped my mind.

Look, let's cut the waffle, eh? I've got a 1989 Nissan Sunny Coupe, 13 ,000

miles. One angry lady owner.

What are you giving me against the Jag?

Tracey, how can you think about sex at a time like this?

I'll just go and check with the manager.

The light's locked.

It don't matter.

I think we pulled it off.

taking that car?

To the workshop for a pre -delivery check.

Oh, that's all right. I don't want it delivered. I'll take it with me now.

No, I'm afraid you don't understand. You see, since we've been standing here

talking, someone's phoned up and bought the car sight unseen.

You what?

I don't believe it. But we do have an almost identical car on the forecourt

there. Now, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

You know where you can arrange your almost identical car?

What? I'll give you a clue.

Takes a hell of a lot of industrial lubricant to get it in.

And a highly skilled medical team to get it out again.

Take it easy, you said.

Don't be too hasty, you said.

If we'd just gone straight in and done the deal, we'd have 25 grand spread out

on that coffee table right now.

Oh, give it a rest, Trace.

Look, if it hadn't been for my brilliant idea, we'd never even have been in with

a chance.

come at a bad time.

Oh, even the good times are bad, Dorian.

Oh, what's the matter? Oh, you know what's the matter. The car's the matter.

Look, Tracy, I can explain.

Explain what?

I didn't do it to upset you or annoy you or spite you. It was just such an

incredible bargain, I couldn't resist it.

What are you rabbiting on about, Dorian? Well, I was driving past Merritt's, you

know, the Jaguar dealer, and what should I see in the window but your Daryl's

car, car of the week?

So I phoned Marcus on the car phone. He called them.

And when we found out it was an HP repossession, we thought we must buy it

before all of Tidwell found out you couldn't afford to keep up the payments.

I'm trying to say I did you a favour.

The girls are getting environmentally friendly next on Paramount Comedy 2 in

more Birds of a Feather.