Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue? What will

I do when I'm alone with only

dreams of you?

me or has it gone colder?

Oh, it's Garfield.

Oh, love him. He's really good about writing.

Oh, he ain't. That's only the second letter you've ever read from him.

Yeah, well, this time it's a very long letter.

Dear Mum, I'm writing this so you find out from me rather than from the

teachers. Oh, my God.

First of all, don't worry. There wasn't a lot of damage and it's all been sorted

out now. Oh, no.

Blimey, what's he done?

Well, it's nearly all been sorted out.

It all started because I was being persecuted.

Oh, that's good, isn't it?

What do you mean, good?

Well, he knows big words.

Persecuted.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, little love.

Oh, look how he spelt it with a C.

You do spell it with a C.

Do you? I thought it was a K.

Get on with it, Trace.

And Henry Routledge said, what does your old man do? And I said he was banged up

for armed robbery.

Oh, nice one, girl.

Well, we brought him up to tell the truth.

And he said that I must come from a very violent family.

Well, I couldn't just take that, so I decked him.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I can't read any more.

Er, he was standing against this tree.

Well, he had been standing until I hit him.

It was a young tree. He broke it when he fell.

He's a great fat guts rat, Lidge.

He's about twice the size of Aunty Sharon.

Thank you, gosh.

It don't mean nothing, Shell.

Yeah, well, I'm going on a diet.

Get on with it.

I think it cost a lot of money.

I'd like to talk to you about it, so I'm coming home this weekend.

See you then. Love you, Gav. Oh, that'll be nice. At least I'll have coffee for

a weekend.

What are all those letters?

Just bills and stuff.

What do you mean, bills and stuff?

I haven't even opened them. I don't have to. They're all under ex -orders.

Daryl told me.

Yeah, but you've still got to check them, don't you?

Can I just leave them? Yes, go on.

All right.

What are those dates, hey?

18.

If we do not receive full payment by the 17th, we shall disconnect your service.

Oh, my God.

That's why it's so cold in here.

You've had your electric cut off.

If we do not receive the minimum amount of £120 by the 11th, we shall institute

legal proceedings without further warning.

What's that?

Access. Well, there's been a monthly payment, but it ain't been enough.

Legal proceedings? Oh, my God.

Stay on that.

That's it. That's why I haven't paid it. I'm on a cruise.

Oh,

please, Shell.

Come on.

Dorian. I can't stay long.

It's very warm in here.

Your guttering's blocked.

Water cascades out of it. Every time it rains, your garden looks like an advert

for lavatory cleanser.

Where's Tracy?

It's only Dorian.

What do you mean, only? It is Dorian.

Thank God for that.

Well, that's a welcome. Who were you expecting?

The police or the bailiffs. I beg your pardon?

She'd come to complain about our guttering.

Why? What's the matter with it? It's blocked.

When it rains, it makes a waterfall.

Does it? Well, it's only in my garden.

Yes, but it's near our bedroom. It's like trying to sleep at the foot of

Falls.

It kept us both awake all last night, and I don't like having Marcus awake in

the middle of the night. It gives him ideas.

Well, you know Marcus.

He and his investments are inseparable.

When shares were slow to come up after the 87 crash, so was he, which puts

But recently, he's been telling me his prices have started to harden.

So I've had to be on a key bead, as it is.

Why are you expecting the police?

She ain't paid the electric.

Is that why it's so cold in here? Have they cut you off?

No, they have not.

Oh. Are you in dire financial straits?

Do you mind?

Look, what are we going to do about the guttering? Nothing. I'm too busy. Leave

me alone. I've got enough to worry about. What with Garfield and Exie.

And the fact that you haven't done large amounts of washing up that you promised

to do.

Yeah, well... What's wrong with Garth? We just had a letter. Nothing!

Taking drugs, is he?

No, he is not.

Just mind your own will, you Dorian.

I'm only trying to be helpful.

Sympathetic. They are a great worry these days, adolescents, what with drugs

AIDS and so on.

Yeah, well, it's nothing like that, Dorian. And mental problems.

You know...

Getting girls in trouble.

Getting boys in trouble.

There's no water.

Well, they have cut you off, then. They have not.

They have.

It's the same as the eating, isn't it? It's days.

It's not. Look.

Oh, yeah. Well, he said that you can't pay his school fees. Mind you, that

upset him. Kids hate other kids knowing that their parents are poor.

Dorian. I said I can't stop.

I'd be glad if you'd fix that guttering.

I don't want Marcus trying to recapture his lost youth. It'd be embarrassing.

Bye now.

That woman.

So what are we going to do about the guttering, then? Nothing. Nothing at

I'm too busy.

Joyce, you're going to have to get a grip.

You know, in this house, and all your business, go to pot.

Put the kettle on.

We've just had coffee.

You're putting the kettle on to do the washing up.

at me, I'll get a grip on your neck.

Come on, you can phone now. I start early.

I don't know who I'm going to phone yet.

What do you mean? The central eating's on the blink. You want a plumber, don't

you? Well, let's wait and see if he knows one.

Look, you ain't going to see Daryl for a week.

eating salted by then.

Horrible washing in cold water.

You don't have to tell me, especially using that bidet.

I tell you, we've had an insult to injury splashing cold water on it.

There you are then.

Well, let's ask Dorian.

Oh, don't be daft.

We want to know how good their plumbing is. Is that how nice their bums are?

If you ask her if she knows someone that does good... pipe work, you'll get the

entirely wrong sort of answer.

Look, you want a place warm for when Garfield comes home, don't you?

Yeah.

Look, find out if they belong to some association or other.

Ask a few of them to give us a price and you pick the cheapest one that don't

suck his breath in over his teeth.

They all do that. It must be in their training manuals. Please, Trace, come

sort a few out.

It's either that or schlepping back to Edmonton for a bath.

Well...

Oh, for God's sake, give it to me.

You heard the cowboys in here, love?

Have I?

Afraid so.

It's an unreturned atmosphere, Pike.

What's wrong with it?

You haven't got one.

A brandy, a little lie down.

It's only a central eating system, mate.

We're not talking major bereavement here.

We're not about to need counselling or tranks.

We just need it fixing.

Why don't you do that?

Do what?

Suck your breath in over your teeth.

Look, just tell us how much it'll cost, will you?

Well, with carts and labour, £2 .50.

It's fine.

You all right?

No, I need counselling.

Well, I'm not having him do it. He was a tits. He was grief -stricken just

looking at it. We've got others coming.

I've got others to come.

Two this afternoon and the one who can't give a firm time.

There'll be one there.

About this guttering, I hate to be a nuisance.

It hasn't rained since, Dorian. I know, but I'm very on edge.

I keep having to check the weather forecast to find out whether Marcus is

to sleep on it.

It's absolutely freezing in here.

Dorian.

Would this be the bailiff? It's a plumber.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

This does just happen to be my house. I was only going to show him the way.

Yeah, and I bet you wouldn't show him in the way.

If that's the case, would you like coffee?

Oh, cheers, yeah. Two sugars, please.

Make the man a coffee, will you, Trice?

Have you got a cheek?

Well, it is your house, isn't it?

This is a beautiful installation.

if it ate the water and the radiators.

It'd be simply stunning then.

Oh, they've done away with the atmosphere pipe.

That's clever.

This is the best eating system I've ever seen.

We are talking premium quality here.

This is state -of -the -art.

Yeah?

Well, once you've got over the joy of its beauty... How about making it work

we can have some premium quality, state -of -the -art, deluxe hot water?

I couldn't touch this.

Why not?

Way above me, this.

This isn't your common old garden of central eating.

This is serious stuff.

You've gone beyond eating now.

I know that.

That's the problem.

We don't want to go beyond it. We want to go as far as it is and then stop.

I've got blue toes, chapped hands, and I'm starting to go a bit niffy.

Any good?

He's not up to it.

Really? He looked perfectly up to it to me.

Actually, I do know of some plumbers I've just remembered, but... But what?

Well, they're women.

Women? Yes. I saw their card in the newsagent. Two women plumbers, it said.

job too big.

I've never heard of women plumbers.

I did.

Yeah, women everything these days.

Women decorators, women tax... Taxi drivers, women dustmen.

We should encourage them. Do our bit for feminism.

I don't like feminists.

They'll be all airy and smelly.

Yeah, just like we'll be if we don't get the hot water sorted.

Well, if it is a real advert, there'll be a pair of lesbians.

Hey, Rose.

Stop being so obstructive, will you?

You won't have grief -stricken, do it.

Not up to it's not up to it.

Oh, Doris, round a couple that may be able to help us.

Get positive, will you, Trace?

I bet they are dykes.

Why? Well, come on, a pair of feminist plumbers.

Who mentioned feminists?

Women plumbers, you said.

There's nothing dykey about women being plumbers or britties or whatever.

The same as there's nothing pansy about blokes being flare arrangers or... Yes,

there is.

Of course there is.

OK, yeah, you win. They are a pair of dikes.

They invented it. They could les for England. OK!

There's a big butch one with a wax moustache and there's a little femme one

wears pink and white overalls and got pearl -handled spanners.

They're covered in gay pride badges and they've got a ghetto blaster playing

Dusty Springfield's greatest...

atmosphere pipe without sucking in so much breath their mouths are getting

damaged.

I mean, who gives a toss if they're over each other every hour on the hour?

What I think we're saying is that feminist plumbers might be feminist

plumbers second.

Yes, but it would work the other way, wouldn't it?

I'm saying the other way.

Better than men because of all this prejudice.

What prejudice?

I don't believe you.

The prejudice I've been getting off you two for the past half hour. I'm not

prejudiced. I just don't like feminists.

Actually, not up to it. Said we don't need a what name return pipe.

Well, grief -stricken said that was the problem.

Yeah, well, you don't think much of grief -stricken, do you? No, I do not.

Which only leaves two weeks in Lanzarote and got a big job on Cardiff for a

month.

So, it's hey -ho, the Germaine Greer combo.

Oh, yes, I think it is, yes.

Hello?

Yeah?

I've seen women plumbers.

Often? You mean you haven't seen some?

No.

We were the only ones at sex.

What was the men like to you?

Well, when we first went there, we thought they'd all be sexists and

to make pass and suggestive jokes all the time.

Yes.

And then when we got there... That's exactly what they were like.

And then there were the especially charming ones.

who assume we must be a pair of lesbians.

Well, they had good evidence to support that, mind.

Did they?

Did they?

Certainly they did.

But we wouldn't sleep with any of them.

What?

150 quid for cash all in?

Lovely. Can you give me a firm time for doing it?

Nine o 'clock tomorrow morning.

Great.

Want some scrambled eggs?

No, thanks, Trace. I'm dieting, aren't I?

And his parents would muck three times a day.

Oh, God, I'm starving.

I'm going to be dying in 23 minutes.

It's another letter from Garfield. Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Did you remember

to pay the access and the electric?

No, I forgot. I'll do it tomorrow.

Oh, come on, Trey.

I know those bills are a load of vassal, but that's what life is.

A load of vassal and then you die.

You've got to face up to things.

Read this to me. No, you read it. Oh, please, I'm frightened.

Oh, give it here.

Thanks, Shell. I will get on top of things, I promise.

Yeah.

Uh, dear Mum, there's good news and bad news.

First, the good news.

No, you do the bad news first. Everyone knows that.

I'm only reading it. It says here, first, the good news.

Well, what's the bad news?

Well, how should I know?

Ratledge started blackmailing me about facing him.

I wasn't having any of that, so I went to the headmaster and told him it was me

who knocked down the tree.

Aha. Just like Abraham Lincoln.

That was George Washington.

Was it?

Well, same thing.

Go on.

So I had to apologise to Routledge and he had to apologise to me.

We both felt a right couple of prats.

Well, Routledge is a prat.

The bad news is you're going to get half the bill.

Sorry about that, Ken.

Love you, Garth.

Well, that ain't too bad, is it? No.

He's a good kid, isn't he? He gets things sorted.

Yes. Some people take a pride in sorting out their lives.

What? I'm going shopping.

So we need to give Bixie and Garth a coming home.

I'll torture myself by buying food, smelling food, handling food.

It'll be good for me character.

I hope those girls are all right up there.

reminds me, Trace, if you get a chance to talk to him later, drop a few remarks

about your husband, will you?

I heard him guessing earlier.

I think we're a couple of Lizzie's.

Do you have a jade cloth I could borrow?

You've been sick.

Put the eating in.

What has it put in?

My sister Sharon, her husband, used to work with my husband

sometimes.

They work together, our husbands.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, yes, please.

Where's Gloria?

Oh, she's had to go out. She cracked her nipple.

Oh!

one of her nipples, no.

No, plumbing nipples.

Oh.

Yes, I sent her to get some more.

Poor Gloria.

Not a lot of fun at a trade counter for a lady plumber asking for nipples.

We used to get a lot of harmless fun about all that from the chaps at the

Blimey, I'll bet you did.

Male and female connections.

Round bastards.

The gardening fillers.

What's a round bastard?

Quite a few of them were. I think it was a lot.

No, it's a sort of file.

What did your husband do?

Oh, he's, um... He's, um... He's banged up for our robbery.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tell you. I don't know why I just come out

it like that.

It's just that...

Sometimes things get a bit on top of me. Yeah.

Yeah. You see, I miss him so much.

Yeah. Yeah.

My sister Sharon, she's always going on at me about bills and the ass and not

getting a grip.

Well, she forgets what I'm going through.

Are you married?

Well, um, yeah.

What does he do?

Well, as far as I can make out, he seems to be a freelance bonker.

He found he couldn't stay at home, he missed his girlfriend too much.

He left me with two kids.

Oh, no.

How do you cope?

Well, I don't really.

I just sort of get through each day, you know. Juggling babysitters, customers,

solicitors. Oh, like you say, trying to get a grip.

It's called life, I think.

They're gone!

Yeah, you're warm, yeah.

They've gone. Job done.

Dive for a pee, Trace.

You know, you're right about me, Shell.

What? I am pathetic.

I was talking to that elephant earlier.

Trace? She's a lot worse off than me.

She's got two kids to look after, she does all her own accounts, makes

for a little girl's play, everything.

And she can do plumbing.

No, she can't. The tank's leaking.

What?

I even filled a thermos for her.

It's an ounce of fun.

God, why does everything have to happen to me?

What was that?

What was what?

What? I just fell on my head.

Good afternoon, Sharon. I have found a man.

I'm very happy for you.

To do the guttering.

Who is that?

Can't give a firm time.

Look, to me, as if he could give you a very firm time.

and fix it properly.

Oh, can't you do it now?

No, I've got a job in Southgate. I'll see you tomorrow.

When? I don't know. After 12, but I can't give a firm time.

Well, I'm going back to Edmonton for a bath.

Do you want to come, Trice? Why bother?

Just go round Dorians and have one.

Oh, no thanks.

Never know who she's had in it.

His other job got cancelled, so he came back.

Oh, I've had a nice long bath, and it'll be lovely and warm for Garfield.

Oh, hold your office, Trace. This letter was on the mat.

Oh, no, it's from Garfield.

You read it. Get a grip, Trace. Oh, please, it'll be bad news again.

Oh, all right.

Are you clicking comfortably?

Then I'll begin.

news and bad news again.

First the good news. Oh no, he's doing the good news first again.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah.

Everything's alright.

Routledge's dad is going to pay the old bill.

Routledge is alright after all.

But the bad news is... Yeah?

I've got Routledge pregnant.

I'm going over to his place for the weekend, so I won't see you till after

Lots of love, Garthy. Oh, no.

Never mind, Trace. You've still got me.

Yeah. Why are you back so soon? I thought you were staying up Edmonton.

Oh, it's not the same there now.

Got nothing in common with the people, Trace.

No, this is where I belong.

With my sister.

Sticking together through thick and thin.

And what's the real reason?

I've been here so long I forgot to pay my gas bill.

What'll I do when you are gone? One man, one

show, one channel. And more gags than you can possibly handle. Yes, it's the

Kenny Everett television show. Up next, only on Paramount Comedy 2.

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