Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you?

Are you Trace?

No, it's the Virgin Mary and I'm looking for me donkey.

Oh, there you are.

Still raining, is it?

Talking of virgins, where the hell did you get through my umbrella and my away

day? I took you out open for half an hour for another ticket.

Me?

I was outside Virgin Marble Arch like you said. Where was you?

I didn't say Virgin Marble Arch. I said Virgin Tottenham Court Road.

You ain't trying to tell me there's two virgins in Oxford Street this day and

age.

And what the hell do you think you're doing with that? That's probably Sylvie.

Well, my needs are greater than hers.

As are my sisters.

Oh, I think I'll have to pull out the London Marathon trace.

Well, I can't give it to an act, can I? They can aim.

No, it's not.

They can foot.

Give it to me.

Anyway, she'll never use it.

She's agoraphobic, isn't she?

Don't you remember last Christmas when we had to post her turkey through the

letterbox, limb by limb?

What did you get her then?

Got her a file of facts. A file of facts for Aunty Sylvie?

Yeah. Help her organise her lifestyle.

She's a 77 -year -old pensioner. She ain't got a lifestyle, she's got Barrett

Spain.

It's a bargain train.

Only 4 .75 down Barrett Street Market.

Oh, you're unbelievable, you are. You'd buy a barrel of care dung if it was on

special.

You see?

Now you guess what I got you for Christmas.

I'm not funny, you know.

Well, didn't you get the final effect?

Look, I treated myself to a genuine fake cartier lighter for a fiver.

Indistinguishable from the real thing.

Yeah, I'll bet.

See?

Inextinguishable. Anything else, Santa?

Yeah. I've got Dorian 100 mils of Calvin Klein's obsession.

39 .50 inside boots or two for a tenner and a suitcase.

And that is the room for it. Oh, yes.

Must be a two for a tenner. Well, it's not tough, is it?

Smells like cat repellent.

Hang about. This says Morris Klein.

Don't you see?

Oh, well.

Should stop the local toms peeing on Dorian's shoulder pads.

Hi.

Still raining, is it?

alone tonight with a severe frost in sheltered areas such as this fort.

So don't invite me in.

Oh, right!

Only shows me!

This recorded delivery letter arrived for you, Tracy.

for it as you were both out. How so?

I must tell you, the post office have taken on the most gorgeous holiday

I had to invite him in for half an hour to warm himself up. Poor boy was frozen.

That's the way you like them, Dorian.

Here, Dorian.

Talking of postmen, right, do we send you Jews Christmas cards or what?

I mean, like seeing how you killed Jesus and that.

Not me personally, Sharon. I was at the hairdresser's.

You know what I mean.

Well, I'm sending you one if that's any help.

Oh, great.

Yeah? Lovely.

Not bad, are they?

One ninety -nine for a hundred.

Designs like these never go out of fashion.

Particularly if you like cards with enough glitter on them to make an up

-over garage door.

So, Tracy, aren't you going to open the letter?

Well, of course not. It's addressed to Daryl.

So? Oh, look, you may have opened all Chrissie's mail.

Oh, true, true.

Mind you, I don't know why I bothered.

He only ever used to get finaled emails or death threats.

Daryl and I have always trusted each other.

Really?

got round to telling you he was a bank robber then, innit?

It's crazy.

He doesn't have to know. You can steam it open.

I'll just put the kettle on.

Oi!

Do you mind, busy?

You mean to say you really aren't curious?

Well, of course I am.

But I'll take you up the nick and he can like me for himself tomorrow.

Oh, brilliant.

Are you on about?

Suppose Daryl had arranged with a mate of his to send him a nice little wad for

Christmas.

You know, Luke, from the Great Train Robbery or something, if Daryl had

away. The Great Train Robbery?

Daryl was only about four.

He could have bunked off place ago.

The Frank says Thomas Cook.

Frank who?

Oh, my God.

What is it?

I've just remembered the last thing me and Daryl ever did in this house

together. Yeah.

We were talking about a Christmas cruise.

Well, he must have booked it on his car phone.

Well, he was on his way to rob that security van. Oh, that's what I call a

considerate husband.

A luxury winter cruise on the

SS...

go on holiday while he's languishing in the nick well i could well you should

both go do the world of good even if it is only economy class whatever that is i

could do with a break from this lousy country yeah i suppose it would be nice

for the three of us to get away for a bit hang a bear it's only two tickets

What are you, Daryl?

Where shall we go then, Butlins?

You look great, sugar.

I'm tired.

Here.

Oh, smashing.

Have you got one for me, darling?

No, but you can open this tube and I'll tell you right where you can stick it.

Shut it, Stubbs.

I know you've always wanted one.

Why? Not the... Why don't you open it and see?

Oh.

A video Walkman.

Brilliant. Now I can take the football.

Happy Christmas, darling.

Hold tight, hold tight. Now, what the hell's going on here?

Well, it's his Christmas present, of course.

How did you get that past the gate? You can't bring presents in here. I'll see

to it.

The prison governor, the own secretary and me.

Don't get your knickers in a twist, darling.

That is up your wearing, Annie.

Sit down, Stubbs.

You can have it back later.

But it's his Christmas present.

He's in here to be punished for his crimes against society, not to be

mollycoddled with Japanese consumer durables.

I hate you being in here, Daryl. Yeah, the novelty's wearing thin for me too,

sugar.

These cruise tickets came yesterday.

I don't know if I completely forgot.

But there's only two.

Of course.

We wouldn't have wanted Garfield on playing Goodsbury, would we?

Thought the whole idea was for a romantic cruise for the two of us.

Imagine.

New Year's Eve beneath a tropical moon.

Porpoises gambling in the surf.

Flying fish.

Flying about.

You and me cracking a bottle of Dom Perignon on the poop.

And what was we supposed to do with Garfield? Put him in the kennels?

I suspect he did it on a school trip or something. I mean, there's always school

trips and Christmas, isn't there?

I mean, he don't want to be hanging around with his mum and dad all the

does he?

When we was 15, all we wanted was for our parents to disappear off the face of

Stoke Newiton so we could have a decent snog.

Anyway,

now I'm otherwise engaged, it don't matter, does it?

You can take Garfield instead.

He'll love it. Yeah, but what about Sharon?

Well, if I go with Garfield, she'll be all alone in the house over Christmas.

What, you think she'll wreck the joint?

No, she'll be lonely.

Got friends, doesn't she? No, not really.

Tracy? She's lucky we let her live in our home. Our palace.

No, you go with Garfield. You don't owe her nothing.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

No, my father didn't allow us to celebrate Christmas when I was young.

Younger. And Marcus doesn't go in for it much, other than liking a goose on

Christmas Day.

Don't we all?

Bought you 100 Christmas cards for £1 .99.

I might have done. Why are you sitting in the dark? Don't ask.

Good visit.

No, not really. That rotten screw wouldn't let me give Daryl his Christmas

present. It wouldn't by any chance be the same screw that you kicked in a

ghoulies on your last visit.

Will he bear you a grudge?

Well, what about the decorations?

Who did all this?

Well, it was really funny, Tracey.

kitchen, having our cup of soup, when all of a sudden we heard this strange

rustling noise.

And we couldn't believe our eyes. There was all these little pixies coming up.

Oh, they're lovely.

Nice for sharing over Christmas.

Well, not we're going to get full benefit.

What, a cruise leaving on the 23rd?

Yeah, the cruise.

Look, I had a word with Daryl.

It weren't no mistake.

There was only ever two tickets.

So I'm sorry, Shell, but me and Garfield are going to have to go without you.

Oh, no, you won't.

Oh, yes, we will.

Oh, no, you won't.

Oh, yes, we will.

Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, we will. Look, I love a good pantomime, but I've

to go.

I'm interviewing a new au pair at six.

Yeah, well, you'd better hurry or you'll miss her.

Him.

Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, I will, business about.

Garfield phoned when you was out.

Is he all right?

Yeah, yeah, he's in great form.

Only he ain't coming home for Christmas.

What? I don't know. He's going on a school choir trip to Germany or

I hope you ain't winding me up, Sharon.

Aren't you, Tracey? It's the truth.

Yeah, well, it better not be a wind -up.

Are you phoning?

The school.

Headmaster's office.

Dr. Kenworthy.

Hello.

This is Mrs. Stubbs, Garthy's mummy.

I've just had a garbled message about some choral trip abroad.

Oh, really?

I didn't even know he was in the school choir.

I've only ever heard him scream along with Def Leppard.

Yes, yes, I suppose it is a honour.

Of course, if he really wants to go.

And a Merry Christmas to you, too.

Honour?

How am I going to get through Christmas without my garfy?

It's still got me, Trice.

That's it. As far as I'm concerned, Christmas is cancelled.

Let me speak to her.

Ah, you've got yourself in.

That should bring a run in.

Ah!

It's designed for train smokers.

What the?

I will, Tracey. Just wanted a quiet word.

What?

Quiet word about your cruise.

Oh, I'm going back to bed.

Oh, Tracey, this is silly. Now sit down and listen to me.

Well, you're not talking me into it.

Oh, don't you try and trick her into enjoying herself.

Now, you did say that Daryl wanted you to go on this cruise.

Yes, with my little Garthy. Yes, but in your little Garthy's absence, would he

want you to deny yourself?

No, he'd want you to go with me.

I don't want to go with no one. Give me the tickets and I'll find someone to go

with. If I ain't going, you ain't going.

You are so selfish, Tracey.

No, she isn't selfish, Sharon.

I'll give her a roof over her head. You're not selfish. You're just

You're frightened of enjoying yourself.

Oh, I mean, no one can accuse you of... I have never denied I'm a lover of life.

And anything can try this.

Look, Tracy, I know you've had a dreadful year.

You're telling me.

But this is a godsend opportunity to get away, to recharge your batteries, to

rest. Think about what you're going to do with your life.

Exactly, Trice. In the old days, doctors used to prescribe a long C -void as a

way of getting over it. Illness or depression.

Oh, yeah.

Most of the people on the Titanic were only there for their health.

Look.

You could have a wonderful time if you would only relax and go with the flow.

Think of it.

Superb food, fabulous entertainment, fresh sea air, magical ports of call.

Far away places with strange standing names.

Oh, yeah, there is that.

And the men?

What?

Well, most of the women on cruises are elderly widows spending the money their

husbands had heart attacks amassing.

So a young, attractive girl could have the pick of the men.

Dorian! Now, most of the male passengers will be even more decrepit than the

women. But they'll be stunning.

A handsome, blonde, vitring officer.

Not to mention the able seaman.

Dorian!

When I went round the Caribbean with my friend Jamie, the captain had me on his

table. Three nights running and I'm not talking dinner here.

There you are.

Do you know, for a second there I was weakening. It was just a floating

shop.

Thank you very much, Doris.

You were very persuasive in a subtle sort of way.

Sorry, I got carried away.

But don't worry, Sharon.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Tracy, if you really don't want to use those tickets, I'll take them off your

hands.

You what?

Tracy, don't ignore me. You're not my mother.

You'll take them off my hands?

Yeah. What do you mean?

Well, I'll buy them.

To make a nice surprise for Marcus.

Well, are you sure? They're a lot of money.

Hang about.

What about me?

He can afford it. He's had a very successful year. Anyway, I'll put it on

business. I don't believe this.

But I thought you and Marcus lived separate lives.

No, not separate.

Semi -detached.

But he's still my husband, and he's been working far too hard.

No, he could do with a couple of weeks off. No point being the richest man in

the cemetery.

A couple of weeks? It's a six -week cruise.

I know.

So Marcus takes a fortnight's break, then he flies back from the Far East,

can really start enjoying myself.

You're unbelievable, you are. All right, I'll get you the tickets.

And I'd better go make my peace with Sharon.

Sharon!

Looks like there's going to be some great films on over Christmas, eh?

Yeah.

The Poseidon Adventure.

Mutiny on the Bounty.

The Love Boat.

Carry On Cruising.

What's all that then?

Just felt like splashing out a bit.

Oh, sorry.

I mean, it is Christmas, isn't it?

Is it?

I'd heard it had been cancelled.

Look, perhaps there was a bit of a moody care last week.

Would you try?

to the idea of Garfield being away.

Here, look at this.

Christmas pudding made with real armagnac.

Lovely. An individual cocktail -sized kitchen.

What for?

Well, in case anyone pops round for a drink.

Like who?

Father Christmas?

No one's going to pop round for a drink.

We don't know anyone round here except Dorian and Margaret, and they'll be off

somewhere having our...

I'm sorry, Shell.

I suppose the cruise would have been nice.

Well, it ain't too late.

You can still get the tickets back off Dorian. Of course I can.

I mean, they're sailing tomorrow.

Has she paid you?

Well, not yet.

She's got to get Marcus to write the cheque out.

But he can't write the cheque out yet because she ain't told him it's down on

the cruise yet.

Well, then that ain't really us yet, are they? Oh, we can't do them out of their

holiday now. It wouldn't be fair.

Oh, no.

Doing me out of my holiday's enough for one Christmas, isn't it?

he's going?

Well, Dorian's told Marcus they're going to see some friends of, and then when

they get there, she'll spring it on him.

Well, like Jeremy Beadle, it'll be a real blast.

Oh, yeah.

Side -splitting. I can hardly catch me breath.

Oh, come on, shall.

No, I won't come on, Trace.

I can't share in your new -fan mood of general hilarity, but I had a once -in

-lifetime chance to see the world and meet interesting, rich old men.

And you've had to cut from me lips.

When will I ever get a chance to even set foot aboard a luxury liner again?

Aha.

Ha what?

Aha, aha.

Aha, aha what?

That's where you're wrong.

Dorian's only given me these two passes to go on Baltimore and see him off.

You're some kind of sadist, you are.

It's going to make it worse, isn't it? I thought you'd like to go and see the

boat. We can go and have tea. The cakes are supposed to be something else.

What? Frog?

Wood? Brick? Oh, Sharon.

Oh, you go. I can't face it. I told Dorian we'd both turn up.

Well, then you can go on your own, then. But I don't want to go on my own, then.

Well...

No, no, don't do me no favour.

I can be just as depressed in our age as they are. No, no, if you're going to

throw a wobbler all over the shop... Well, go and see them off.

All right?

Happy?

No.

Me neither.

It'll be lonely this Christmas Lonely and blue It'll be

lonely...

Lonely without you, it'll be lonely...

Thank you. It's a lovely post, Dorian. Thank you, Tracy.

Do you know how many nylons? Don't wait to make that. Oh, shall we, please?

We're not on the boat yet.

We can tell Marcus yet. Don't worry, he knows.

Where is he?

He's on board, working out.

What, in the gym on one of them nowhere -less machines?

No, in a cabin on one of those adding machines.

What? He's working out how much this present is going to cost.

This is the Equator Lounge, where they serve tea and also it's used for

Dancing? It's like a bailing walk.

Don't you take your partners for a zimmer slope, then?

It's really fun, though, isn't it? Shit, Sharon.

Yeah, I've got with me. I'm sorry, Sharon.

Can I have a look at this, please? Look.

Typical dinner menu.

Smoked salmon with a little caviar or gazpacho or Mediterranean prawns

by roast ribs of beef. Can our dogs come and cook?

What? It's duck, served with a sauce made from tiny eggs.

What? You're having a dinner in your arse. You've got the same plate.

I'm not giving it a bash. There's no chance there'll be a hole in it. Well,

tell you what. I'll start the third for the set clean.

Come on.

Are they great?

Duke Ellington, how do you do?

A bit of banter with a crow?

Well, we ain't doing the cruise. I'd die of embarrassment ten times a day.

I don't know where Marcus could have got to. It's not like him to be so

thoughtless. Perhaps he's been distracted by the myriad of diversions a

cruise ship can offer.

Or taking a swim in one of the three heated pools.

Or in the sauna.

Or the gym.

Or having a squash lesson from the onboard pro.

Or watching a first -run film in the air -conditioned cinema with Dolby Stereo.

Or having a haircut or a manicure.

Or enjoying the sophisticated surroundings of the casino.

So knowing, Marcus. He's probably just taking a sleep in the cabin. The

luxuries. All right, all right, you two.

I admit it, I was wrong. I wish I was going on the cruise.

Now, don't rub it in.

I'll just go and look for him.

Wait here.

Do you hear that?

Yeah. She said first call for visitors down the shop. Oh, right.

Are you sure? Yes, come on.

Look, that door in a marker. That door in a marker.

Is it up or down?

Down or behind the sea level, wouldn't it, you dope?

our cabins to get changed from the canardo kumquats.

Changed?

Dorian smuggled all our gear on board.

I've been had, haven't I?

Not yet, but we live in home.

I say, the door has gone off with a captain.

He's driving the boat.

Shit, Sharon.