Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you?

And you haven't worked since your dismissal from the supermarket.

Well, I had a couple of days casual at Buck House when one of Her Majesty's

ladies -in -waiting had the croup.

This is a serious restart interview, Mrs Theodopolopoulos. Not an audition for

Bob Says Opportunity Knocks.

Sorry, Miss Pollock.

There are several supermarket checkout vacancies at the job centre.

Have you tried for any of them?

No, I can't go back to that sort of work. It's too aggravating.

That's why I lost my job.

The stress of dealing with stroppy members of the public.

One of whom you hit on the head with a £3 Polish neckwurst.

I was provoked.

What sort of work do you think would suit you?

Oh, I don't know.

Film star, top model, pool's winner, Harrison Ford's love toy.

Not the sort of vacancies a public employment service tends to attract.

No? Shame.

Oh, well, I just had to struggle, buy all me pitiful doll money then.

Whilst actively seeking employment?

As active as Ben Johnson after an injection.

Come in.

Ah, Mrs Stubbs, isn't it? Do sit down. I don't want to bother you. I only called

for a repeat prescription. The receptionist said that I don't give

prescriptions. Please sit down.

I see you've been on antidepressants for six months.

That's right. Ever since your husband was sent to prison.

Who told you?

Oh, it's in your notes.

Oh. Well, can I have my Jimmy Eels then? I've only got a week's supply left.

I must tell you, Mrs. Stubbs, that I'm not inclined to give you any more.

What?

What's going on?

Oh, it's because I'm on the NHS, isn't it? All right, I'll come to you private,

how much? Mrs. Stubbs, um, Tracy.

Look, I never had this bother with Dr. Graham.

I mean, you could ring him up any time of the day or night and give him a

prescription for anything.

What happened to him anyway?

Struck off over prescribing.

Tracy, why do you suppose that you need antidepressants?

Because I'm depressed.

Are you sure you're a doctor?

But why do you think you're depressed?

What is this, some new game show?

My Daryl's away at Nick, my son's away at school.

I haven't had any you -know -what for months. And you think that

will solve these problems, do you?

Well, what do you suggest?

Go out and get my leg over?

Is that what you want to do?

Cheek.

Tracy...

Depression is often a form of anger turned in on oneself.

You're probably mad as hell with your husband for getting himself put away.

And until you can learn to express your rage... Look, I don't want all this

problem -pied crap.

Forget me tranks or not.

Not. What I'm prescribing for you is life. People, get out of the house.

Indulge in some social intercourse.

So you are telling me to cheat on you.

Mrs. Stubbs refused to repeat prescriptions, made good progress in

express anger.

Yeah, great. Oh, yeah. No, mate. Now, the lorry stopped with the lights at red

light. All this gear fell off the back light, so I was there with me motor.

Found it in light, yeah.

Now, I've got none left, son. No.

Here, listen, mate. Got to go. Yeah. Yeah, ta -da. Ta -da.

What do you say?

How's life in the fast lane?

Oh, the don't do the laugh a minute.

Not every day you see a photocopier in your front room.

What's going on, Stan?

Yes. Oh, great.

Yes. Yeah, looks good in a T -shirt, does she?

Yeah, one or two points of outstanding interest, daughter.

No, no, mate, no.

£200 a night, I take them, they'll bring them back.

All right, son, you're to die. Be lucky.

You're bang out of all this, Dan. You've turned my flat into a knocking shop,

haven't you?

On my boy's eyes.

You're so legit.

You ain't got a boy.

Thanks.

Are you trying to tell me that your girls are only two tan a night in the

vertical position?

Yeah. Why don't you come in the bedroom? I'll show you what my girls do.

You dirty... I'm a happily separated woman.

I don't want it taped.

Where's Mrs Fisher?

Having another hot flush, is she? No, I had to let her go.

Oh, what?

Someone paid a rent for her? No, Randy's coming round later for a serious talk.

He reckons we've really got to cut down.

Anyway, it's stupid for two healthy 30 -year -olds to employ an unhealthy 60

-year -old who needs massive hormone replacement therapy before she can get a

support odon of a morning.

I'll pay for Mrs Fisher.

There.

50 quid.

Where's this come from?

Stan. Who's Stan?

The speed what's up letting me flat for a warehouse.

The Stones are at Wembley all next week, right?

And Stan reckons I can flog a couple of hundred of these T -shirts a night.

I'll get a quid each.

Well, they're bound to do well because the official tour T -shirt cost a

He's only a fiver. What, you mean they're pirates?

Yep. Personally printed by Captain Birdseye.

So you're doing the Stones out of their rightful.

Oh, don't, Tracey. You'll make me cry.

Poor old Bill Wyman.

He'll really be struggling to raise his wife's school fees, won't he?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mangy. I should have realised you don't eat bacon. Don't

I always thought it was your four -by -twos what didn't eat bacon.

Carry on, Mangy. Well, that's it, really.

You're f***ing Tracy. Sorry.

You're joking.

Accountants don't make jokes about money.

But what about Daryl's business?

It's useless without Daryl.

Still, you can at least sell the house.

I can't sell the house. It's everything Daryl's worked for.

And blagged for. Look, the housing market's a bit flat at the moment, but

can still get out with enough money to pay off your debts, buy a nice little

semi somewhere and put a bit in a bank.

I can't go back to a semi.

Oh, no.

Where would Imelda Marcos put her shoes when she comes today?

I'd just have to sell me Tom.

I thought you loved that cat.

I could take out a huge insurance policy on Sharon's life and then murder her.

There is one way of getting a decent price for the business.

How? Well, there's a couple of house builders I'm tight with. Now, I could

them to put in some big orders for conservatories. Yeah, a couple of phone

and I could generate half a million's worth of orders. Great. So what's all

drama been about?

They won't be real orders, Tracy.

What? Oh, you're so naive.

You get your mate to place some orders, right?

Then you sell the firm to some mug, and then all the orders mysteriously fall

through. It's called massaging the figures.

Well, that doesn't strike me as 100 % honest, Rangy.

You've spotted the scheme, single fraud, eh?

It'd work, though.

No. No way. I'm not entertaining. Nothing that ain't kosher.

Hooray!

Better let her in, then.

I thought so.

Bacon sandwiches.

Correct. Double your money.

Oh, the smell's been driving me mad. It wadded over your head in my kitchen

window. Well, I'm sorry, Dorian, but we can't be held responsible for the smell

of our food.

Who's complaining? I adore the scent of bacon.

I even switched my ventaxia to suck.

There's no answer for that.

May I?

Yes. I thought you lot weren't meant to eat bacon, though. I know.

That's what makes it so fantastic.

Forbidden fruit.

It's like having an orgasm with your clothes on.

I know.

I'm still waiting for an introduction.

I'm Ranjit Gupta, Mrs Stubbs' accountant.

Dorian Green, the mad Jewish woman from next door.

They've probably told you all about me. No. Why not?

I have to go. Tracey, I'll speak to you later. Do you have a... Business card,

Ranjeet? Yes, of course.

Dorian?

What do you want his business card for?

Your husband's an accountant.

Well, you never know when you might want a second opinion or something.

He's gorgeous. Where did you find him?

Oh, he delivered a goat vindaloo one night. Just sort of stayed.

Is he married?

He's got four wives.

Don't think he's happy with none of them.

Is anyone going to join me?

Bit early for that, innit? It helps me eat out me pills. Oh, Tracy, you're not

still taking those.

Dorian, if you were to tell your doctor that you were feeling very down and

depressed, like life wasn't worth living, what would he prescribe?

A cruise?

Or Tom Cruise?

Look, Tracy, you want to get out more, live a little.

Live a lot.

Oh, this is a conspiracy, innit?

I don't believe you.

Three hours without your loft installation and you're turning

I've got a wonderful idea.

There's a ladies' night next week.

What's that? Posh name for an end party?

No way am I going to another one of those.

She dragged me to one last Christmas.

Seventy -five checkout girls getting legless on Pernod and Black while the

stripper waves his meat and two veg six inches from your face.

Oh, it was brilliant.

No, Tracy, a ladies' night is when the master of the Masonic Lodge, next year

it's Marcus, invites all his, I hesitate to use the word, members and their

wives to a dinner dance.

It's a fun evening, what do you say?

Where does Luke fit into this picture?

Oh, you're very astute, Tracy, I admit it. I want you to take Luke as your

dinner partner. I'll pay for the double ticket naturally.

And what's in it for you?

I just want the opportunity to dance with him.

Go on, it'll do you good, Tracy.

I'm going to... to be up Wembley every night next week.

Don't want to sit in here, do you, staring at four walls?

I don't even know, Luke. I've never even seen him.

Here. You carry a picture of him with you.

It was taken while he was fitting my new kitchen.

Marcus thinks I carry it around because I'm so proud of my ceramic hob.

Well, judging by the tightness of his jeans, Luke's fairly proud of his and

Oh, fast, Trace. That's how Marilyn Monroe got started.

You don't want to help John singing goodbye Trace and stuff.

Right.

Here goes.

It's just you against the world now, girl.

Rangy, what do you want? I'm just going out.

I know.

I'm your date.

What?

Looks like Labour's rising in the opinion polls.

Was it something I said?

No, it's something you didn't say.

You forgot to tell me about the late substitution you made to tonight's team.

Oh, you mean Randy?

I thought you'd be pleased.

You know him.

He's a very presentable dinner partner, a lovely dancer.

Oh, and how do you know?

Been practising the horizontal conga with him, have you?

the king of the kitchen fitters, then? I've treated Luke to a medium -density

fibreboard appreciation course in Birkenhead.

Oh, you must think it's his birthday.

He'd only have been out of his depth here.

Brangit's the man of the world.

Luke's just a callow youth. He doesn't even have his own dinner jacket.

Well, you ain't only cheating on your husband, you're cheating on your lover,

too. It must be nice to see the world in such simple terms, Tracy.

Oh, what do you mean, knowing the difference between right and wrong?

Well, I'm surprised at Ray and Jeep. I mean, he's supposed to be engaged, isn't

he? Yes, Tracy.

But I don't think his fiancée will be too upset.

I think she's only nine years old and lives with her granny in Karachi.

I'd like to thank him for his kind words.

It's a great honour.

It's the amount of a joke I once heard. Marcus, I'm sorry, Dolly. I feel very

queasy all of a sudden. Me too. I hate making speeches.

No, I mean I feel physically sick.

Must have been the sweet bread. Buffalo never agrees with me. Dolly, please.

I'm trying to learn my joke.

I've got to go. Take me home, Marcus, please.

Are you mad?

I'm incoming master of the lodge. I can't leave.

I feel like death.

What comes first, the lodge or me?

Normally I'd say you, but tonight is the biggest night of my life.

Bigger than our honeymoon night.

Dorian, I don't know. I'm not master of the lodge yet.

Look, hold on a minute, Green.

If Mr. Green could take Tracy later... Oh, would you? That's so very kind of

you. No, you don't want to put yourself out, Marcus. I'll go with Ranger. He's

in Dorian now.

What do you mean, put himself out? You live next door.

It's no trouble, is it, Dolly?

Stay, Tracy.

Enjoy yourself.

No, I'd better come. I did first aid in the guide.

There's no need for you to spoil your evening, but suppose you come over all

faint in the car.

Who's going to loosen your clothes?

Ranjit can't take his hands off the steering wheel.

It's OK.

I've got power steering.

I hope she's all right.

Oh, she'll be fine after a little lie down in the back of Ranjit's car.

One more song to play.

And then I saw you out the corner.

Oh, you really think this mate of yours could be interested in the business?

Well, no promises, but it would fit nicely into his portfolio.

He's got a big one, has he?

Portfolio, I mean.

You've got a very nice laugh, Tracy.

I didn't really want to come tonight.

Have I already said that?

Well, you did mention it once or twice.

Or thrice.

Everyone's been telling me to get out of myself since, you know, Daryl. I know.

It must be hard for you.

Well, only if you don't drink the prison tea.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm never like this normally.

Sharon's the crude one.

Yes, I know.

I've seen her at the bus stop, picking her nose.

Dorian told me she picked her nose out of a catalogue at the plastic surgeon.

Oh, I'm terrible tonight.

But I'm enjoying myself.

I am.

I'm enjoying myself.

My Daryl locked up.

And I'm enjoying myself.

Together. And the winner, with a total sale of 997 T -shirts, is the

enterprising Mrs. T.

Sharon. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Couldn't have done it without

you, Stan.

Here you are, Shaz.

Let's call it a grand.

Brilliant.

Here you are, Susie Wong.

Four bottles of pills.

Pills? You want chemist?

No, no, no.

Lager. God blimey, she must have come on the same boat from Hong Kong as my T

-shirts.

She speaks better English than what you do, Chinese.

Oh. Do you like the stones?

Stones? Stones.

Oh, stones.

Ginger wine, whiskey mac.

Oh, my God. I like, no, the rolling stones.

You know, brown sugar, satisfaction.

Listen, listen, listen. Now, look. Get four menu Ds with extra crab claws, some

of that crispy duck stuff and some of that plum sauce. Oi.

Where do you think she's going? Oi.

Here, Tosh. Here, Mr. Wood. I was just giving your compatriot our order. Why

won't she serve me?

Because she was a customer, sir, and she didn't pay her bill.

Hmm.

Your husband's done some very nice work.

I know.

If only the silly sod had stuck to sticking up conservatories instead of

security vans.

Other halves often do things we don't always admire or understand.

I really like you, Tracy.

What?

Oh, you're very nice, too.

Get off! Get off!

Get off! Get off!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me. A vodka and tonic.

Oh, God. Oh, God. What have I done? What have I done?

You know what you've done.

I think you'd better go.

Tracy, I'm so sorry. Please, let me explain.

What's to explain?

You're just another dirty old man who thinks any woman on her own is fair game

for a bit of a feel.

Just because I danced with you a few times and laughed at your pathetic

I'm so sorry, what can I say?

Try goodnight.

No, Tracy, please.

Look, I love Dorian.

You've got a funny way of showing it. It's just that she's not interested in,

well, you know... In you?

No, in a proper marriage, you know, in a sexual relationship.

We are talking about the same door.

What do you mean?

Well, nothing.

Just she's always struck me as so, well, you know, vivacious, fun -loving,

outgoing. She just puts that on.

Really, the poor woman's a maelstrom of confusion and anguish. I try to

understand. Try not to be too demanding.

But it's hard.

I even suggested a sex therapist.

Do you go?

No. She prefers to go on her own.

Four evenings a week.

She says he's very good, this doctor, but I can't see any improvement.

You won't tell her, will you? I beg of you, it'll be the end of everything.

Marcus Dorian's one of my best friends.

How can I not tell her her husband tried to jump me?

Tracey, I'd do anything.

Really?

Anything?

Well, how about introducing me to this mate of yours who might buy the

That was just a ruse to get invited in.

There's no such client.

Well, you better find one. And double quick, Marcus.

Morning. Have a good night.

Depends what you call good.

You? Yeah, not bad.

Yeah. You know I don't eat biscuits.

Go on.

What's this?

500 quid.

Half my T -shirt money.

A small...

Large contribution to the running of this hotel.

Oh, Shell, you're great.

I know.

On a day in Edmonton later, me signing on day.

Oh, you ain't still collecting the doll.

Course I am.

But you've just made a falter and that's cheating.

Don't start all that again.

Look, Tracey, when you sign on an indignity you've never had to undergo,

have to claim that you haven't worked for the previous six days.

for the previous six nights.

That's splitting hairs.

Oh, I've got goody -two -shoes.

Didn't mind going along with Dorian's little scheme last night, did you?

No, but I wish I hadn't. Dorian feigned food poison and pissed off with Angie.

Angie? Leaving me pissed off with Marcus.

Why, what did he do?

Only tried to jump me, that's all.

One minute he's spinning me this mood that he might have a client to buy the

business. Next minute he's trying to lick me tonsils with a tongue like an

ironing board.

LAUGHTER

So what did you do?

I didn't do nothing.

I ain't you.

So what happened once you repulsed his beastly advances?

He was distraught.

Begged me not to tell Dorian. Which you wouldn't. Course not. But he weren't to

know that, so I stiffed him. I told him that unless he really found someone to

buy the business... Oh, so you blackmailed him?

No. I wouldn't really tell Dorian. She probably wouldn't give a monkey's

It's still blackmail?

I don't believe you, Trace.

Mind you, you always was a right little hustler. Who, me?

It's you.

I remember the way you used your body to get Daryl. What do you mean? I wouldn't

let him touch me till we got engaged.

Exactly.

That's the way to land a rich husband.

Daryl didn't have nothing when we started going out. He was on his uppers.

Tracy, everyone was on his uppers. He was the amphetamine king of Stoke

Newington.

Why don't you just shut up about Daryl? I'm sick of hearing about him.

going on about him? I know.

I know I am.

Stupid soddies.

I'm in this mess because of him. Because he always wanted more and more and

convinced me I wanted more too.

I was happy when we was up his mum's. I loved that little house in Leytonstone.

The semi and whips cross was great but it weren't good enough for him. Oh no.

had to live in the same turning as Bobby Moore.

Nothing less would do.

I went along with it. I thought it was all great. The business was booming.

Everyone and his dog wanted a conservatory.

See, calm down. Have a pill.

I haven't got any pills.

And if it weren't bad enough they're all getting banged up, I have to get landed

with a sister who's trying to fiddle her way into Holloway and a neighbour who

wants me to wreck their decoy.

Sick and tired of everyone leaning on me.

Does that mean I don't get me lift?

No. Of course I'll take you.

That doctor said I needed to get all the anger out of me system. I think she was

right.

Not very nice here, is it?

Not very.

In fact, Joan Collins has threatened not to come back till they redecorate.

Everyone looks so downtrodden.

Because they are, Tracy.

Welcome to the backside of Thatcher's economic miracle. Oh, don't start

all Ken Livingstone with me, Sharon.

You don't have to sign on. You've got somewhere nice to live. You can earn

money. Look, if I don't have... and I was going to get this sort of ear

I'd have come on the bus.

Why should I feel guilty about saving a bit of doll money than what you do about

ripping markers off for 50 grand?

Because what I've done, I've done for us, and what you're doing, you're doing

because it's too easy.

I can add your card, please.

What? Oh, right, yeah.

Hello, Mrs Theodopoulopoulos. Remember me?

I wore the T -shirt because I know we all look the same to you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Cathy Lee, Department of Social Security.

Fraud officer.

Oh, the Chinese detective.

Have you just signed the unemployment register?

Yeah. Oh, no.

Then I shall have to ask you to come with me to my office.

And suppose I don't want to?

Oh, ain't you in enough bother?

Then we'll do the show right here.

Sian Theodopolopoulos, I have reason to believe you have just made a false

declaration of unemployment in order to claim benefit to which you are not

entitled.

Not bad for a chink.

I knew this would happen.

Well, you do to her.

She'll be brought before the magistrate, probably get a hefty fine.

Though some persistent social security fraudsters go to jail. Go straight to

jail. Do not pass go and do not collect £200.

You're really pleased with yourself, aren't you?

I am, as it happens.

I enjoy catching blatant abusers of taxpayers' money.

Well, I've got two pieces of bad news for you.

The first is, I never signed on.

I signed off.

You what?

Oh, it's worth losing that money just to stop you nagging me.

And the second, now that you've told me your name, Miss Lee...

I'll pass it on to the manager of the Golden Chopstick.

He's after you for doing a runner the other night.