All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s01e04 Womens Troubles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue? What will I

do when I'm alone with only

dreams of you that won't...

I don't know what I'm going to do with
her for two weeks.

You better behave yourself in Tenerife,
that's all.

What do you mean?

I know what goes on in them football
club holidays.

There won't be love urging left in play,
love, America.

I won't get into any trouble, sir.

I'll probably be legless every night.

Well, that's all right, then.

I'll bring you something nice back.

As long as it ain't nothing sexually
transmittable.

Not really.

You? Yes, eventually.

I hope you're being careful.

I never get on top of that safety net.
That's what's worrying me.

You know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

Well, I can't have kids.

I weren't thinking about kids.

There's so many things you can catch
these days.

I'll leave it there.

You're so ignorant, Sharon.

There doesn't have to be anything you
can see wrong with a bloke.

I was reading this article in my best,
all about, you know, STDs.

Are you trying to tell me there's some
special risk involved in going out for

blows if he works on the telephone?

STDs, sexually transmitted diseases.

Look, Dave's all right.

He has a bath every day.

I've seen him.

Talking of baths, do you mind if I have
a fizzy one later?

No, no, feel free.

I suppose I'm lucky you ain't invited
Dave in to bollock in the phone with

Well, I hope you don't think I'm that
much of a liberty taker.

I mean, I did think twice before I
invited Dave in for a quickie in your

little bed when he was that way close.

What's that then? Don't touch that.

All right, all right.

Hang on, that's one of them pregnancy
test things, isn't it? Yeah, well,

you go jumping to any conclusions... I
ain't the one that's been doing the

jumping.

Well, you must think you're pregnant or
you won't be doing this test thing.

Well, I ain't crystallising, Trace, but
who's the... It's Daryl's.

Are you sure?

If Daryl's all right.

If there isn't it, that is.

What's that there?

It's cleaning the nip from us.

Don't you believe me?

Of course I believe you.

Just like Daryl does when you go and
visit him tomorrow.

Look, remember when I went to visit
Daryl just before the trial?

Day of our wedding anniversary.

Well, Daryl'd cooked up this idea.

He knew that the prison chaplain was
taking a bit of a shine to him. Oh,

remember that chaplain.

I always thought he looked a bit stoke
on Trent.

Not that sort of shine.

You're mine.

It was after Daryl had volunteered to re
-glaze them windows in the chapel.

You know, after the riot. And the
chaplain found Daryl on his knees,

about the state of our marriage.

And? Well, it was a ruse, weren't it?
And it worked.

The chaplain was dead sympathetic.

Let me and Daryl get together in his
office to try and talk things over in

private. So you persuaded the Rev to
leave you two alone?

for a bit. We were alone in that office
a whole half hour. It was fantastic.

I never thought you could... Anyway, it
was fantastic.

Well, it would be, wouldn't it?

Doing it in unusual places with a risk
of discovery always makes it better.

Me and Dave did it in the back of his
telecom van.

It ain't so daring. Even me and Daryl
had done it in the back of a van.

Yeah, but we was going through a car
wash.

I hesitate to cook this.

It's done.

Here you go.

Fingers crossed.

Why didn't you bring me a cigar?

I like a nice cigar.

I know.

What have you got against me then,
Sharon?

It's only a one -hour visit. Where do
you want me to start?

Yeah. He seems to be settling down right
nicely at school.

Can't wait to see him at half term.

Yeah, it'd be good, wouldn't it?

Well, not good, but you know.

Yeah.

Yeah, Garfield wrote me how he'd come
third in the lower school cross -country

out of nearly 300 kids.

Must take after me, eh?

Remember when I legged it for Mollesley
Bay Ballstalk?

Yeah, and I remember how the police
picked her up and married me mum a

days later.

I know you had to serve an extra three
months.

I know, you said you'd go straight after
that, and now I believed you, and now

you're... I don't want to talk about it,
all right.

Me neither, I'm sorry.

So, you're all right for money now,
anyway?

Yeah, looks like Randy thought he'd the
bank out.

Cheek, freezing our assets.

Well, they'd be frosted now, aren't
they?

So,

what you been up to then?

Stayed indoors most of the time, same as
you.

At least you're allowed to watch the
telly after half seven.

Yeah.

So... You seeing anyone?

What's that supposed to mean?

Just wondered if anyone's dropped round.

My Uncle Charlie embezzled and he
said... Don't do me that. You want to

I'm knocking it off with another fella?

No. I know you wouldn't.

Would you?

No, I would not.

That's all right, then.

Daryl, we've been married... Daryl,
we've been married over 15 years.

I know, but... Women on the outside... I
mean, it's only natural.

And you are a great looker.

Got the best -looking bird here.

Look, it ain't got nothing to do with
it.

I love you, and I promise to wait for
you.

Yeah, I know.

Sorry, sugar.

Only so many women do.

I know.

Sharon's got a bloke.

You're joking.

No, phone engineer.

Very well connected.

Listen, don't say nothing to Chris or
he'll blow his top.

You what?

You slag!

Well, it didn't take you long, did it?

British Telecom have been reducing their
waiting list.

Sit down, Sorber, or it's the end of
your visit.

Beryl? Yeah?

Do you remember our 15th anniversary?

Remember it?

How can I forget it? That was the last
time we... Nah,

it wouldn't work here, Trace.

Chaplin's been around too long to fall
for that one.

Not that.

Oh, God, this is hard.

Look, you know I stopped taking the pill
after he got reminded.

I mean, there didn't seem to be any
point.

I didn't, but so what?

You're not ill, are you?

There was this thing on Woman's Hour the
other afternoon all about the pill and

women who smoke.

No, I'm all right.

Well, yeah, I am all right, but... But
what?

I'm pregnant.

You what?

What are the lovebirds boning about?

Tracey's pregnant.

What?

Mother Teresa's wandered off to straight
and narrow, is she?

It's Daryl's, you toe -rag.

Yeah? What's he been sticking his
envelopes down with?

What a turd brain.

His wife's sister says it's Daryl's. I
don't give a toss either way.

At least I don't have to worry about
you.

Your fallopian tubes are more congested
than the Bakerloo line in the rush hour.

You're a real piece of scum, you are.

If only I'd known sweet, innocent Tracy
Stubbs puts it about.

I've always fancied a portion of that
myself.

Just shut it, all right?

Daryl the father.

I'll pull the other one.

Oh!

What a lovely little boy.

Look, when the new baby's born and Daryl
sees it, I mean, Garfield was the

spitting image of his dad, wasn't he?
Yes, but I can't go through the next

-odd months with Daryl thinking I've
been unfaithful.

By the time the baby comes out shouting,
you who, Daddy, recognise me, our

marriage will be as good as over.

On the other hand, looking on the bleak
side... Oh, guess who?

I'll have to get you a latchkey cut,
Dorian.

My mother always said good manners cost
nothing.

What do you want?

To which you muddled off.

Well, what's that when it's at home? It
means congratulations.

Sharon's told me about your forthcoming
event.

Oh, has she?

Sharon!

You've got a mouth on you, haven't you?

What? Have you told all in sundry I'm
expecting?

No, only Dorian.

Am I all or sundry?

And Chris?

And Aunty Sylvia in Oxton?

You shouldn't sit on good news.

And Dave?

Course I ain't told Dave.

Well, they're stomach.

He's been ten or eight.

So what would you prefer, a boy or a
girl?

I'd prefer a bit of privacy.

Oh, no, a little girl would be nice.

Then she'd have the pair, wouldn't she?

Oh, I love little girls' clothes.
They're so sweet.

Put a disposable nappy in it.

Pay no attention to her.

She's down because Daryl don't seem to
believe he's the father which art in

prison. Your husband's the father.
That's even better.

private life you're discussing here. Why
don't you just ring up the nose of the

world? Good idea.

You got the number?

Everything's a joke to you, isn't it,
Sharon?

Sorry, Tracey.

Tracey, a new baby should be a source of
joy regardless of the problems.

Look, I brought a few things.

A friend of mine has a very exclusive
baby boutique in Snaresbrook.

Now, as soon as Sharon told me the
news... Oh, look at these. Aren't they

lovely?

Oh, Dory. You shouldn't have.

£60? Yes, but Zara says you can have
anything you like for a third off the

ticket price.

Put me down for this. Be my present.

And we'll show commission, Dorian.

As if I'd take commission in these
circumstances.

I only wish I had occasion to buy these
clothes for myself.

They'd never fit you.

What, can't you have kids?

I'd call that rather a personal
question, Sharon.

Yes, so would I.

What's the answer?

Marcus and I have chosen not to have a
family.

He's fanatically dedicated to his
career.

And you're fanatically dedicated to
strumping the bloke in the kitchen shop.

It's not funny, Tracy. I'm a driven
woman.

Illicit love is a rocky path strewn with
pitfalls.

The deception, the lies, the tears, the
stolen moments.

Always apart, the last week in July, the
first week in August.

I hope you're paying attention.

Illicit affairs always end in tears.
You've heard it from the horse's mouth.

So much for cosmetic dentistry.

I'm not cheating on Chris.

I've told him all about Dave.

Really got his rag. It was brilliant.

Well, I just hope you've had a good
check -up. Eh?

Whenever I take a new lover, I see my
Harley Street gynaecologist.

Must cost you a fortune in parking
meters alone.

Tracy, I am trying to give your sister
sincere and honest advice.

When I want constant sniping and
character assassination, I'll phone my

No notice of her. She's got the right
hump.

That makes sense, what you said.

I think I'll give this gynaecologist of
yours a ring. He's very expensive,

Sharon.

When it comes to my health, Dorian,
money is no object.

You'll pay for me, won't you, Tracy?

Maybe it would be cheaper, I mean, more
convenient, to see Tracy's man. Who is

your gynaecologist, Tracy?

I don't know. Whoever's up the hospital,
the day I go.

You mean you're having your baby on the
NHS?

Yes. Why?

People like us who can afford to go
private owe it to those who can't, like

Sharon, not to clog up the health
service.

It's your social duty to go private.

I never thought of it like that before.

Go and see my man, Rodney Kaufman. He's
wonderful. Have you heard of him?

No, should I? He does a late -night
programme on Capital Radio, a phone -in,

Women's Trouble. It's a fascinating
programme.

There was a call last night from a man
who said he was trapped in a woman's

body.

Lucky woman.

Tuberculosis? No.

Diphtheria? No.

Epilepsy? Not that I know of.

Syphilis? You what?

Why, it's a pre -printed form.

Fine. Well, there seems no reason to
think things will be completely

straightforward. You seem a very healthy
young woman.

Now, Tracy, we're going to do a little
examination.

What sample?

Oh.

Rather generous one at that. Thank you.

First, I think if you'd like to step
behind the curtain and remove your

and perhaps your friend would care to
wait in the reception lounge.

Oh, I'm not her friend. I'm her sister.

I'd like her to stay, please. I mean,
after all, she's going to be there when

the baby's born.

I see.

And I'm going to help bring it up,
aren't I?

Oh.

Oh, of course.

Well, that's fine.

No problem.

Stable home is a stable home after all.

I hope you don't mind my asking, but how
did you decide which sister was going

to be the biological mother?

What?

Did you have to get together with a man,
or was it a case of artificial

insemination by donor?

A donor?

Hang on.

reckons we're a pair of lesbians.

Either that or you've had it off with a
kebab.

Do you mind? I'm a married woman. I've
already got a teenager.

Oh, I'm sorry, but when you said you
were sisters, I... We are sisters.

We've got the same mum. And the same
dad.

They don't make us sisters.

But you said you were raising the child
together.

Well, my husband's working away from
home. All right.

On a long -term contract.

I see.

Of course.

Please do forgive me.

Yeah, all right.

Don't do it again.

Get behind the curtains and drop them,
Trace.

It's one of his money.

That of American washing machine magnate
Hiram Wilmington Ill, the

third, was seen cavorting at the Barclay
Square Ball.

They're both.

No, that's impossible.

What have you done to her?

What is it? Ain't twins, is it?

No, it ain't nothing.

I'm sorry.

What?

A phantom pregnancy, I'm afraid. Not
that unusual when couples are forced to

live apart.

I'm going to be sick. I've got to go to
the loo.

Miss Finch, would you look after Mrs.
Stubbs, please? And medicinal brandy

be in order. Thank you.

Are you serious?

There ain't going to be no baby.

Wishful thinking can be a very powerful
phenomenon.

Oh, yeah?

And why did Tom Cruise never materialise
in me bed tonight?

Oh, poor Tracy.

I don't suppose you could give me the
once -over, could you?

I mean, she did book you for half -hour,
so you have got ten minutes to kill.

Uh, why?

Well, when I woke up this morning, I had
this... You know.

Uh, could you be a little more specific?

This itch.

You know.

So shall I hop on the table and you can
put your marigolds back on then?

It is a bit... Irregular?

Those going around accusing respectable
married women of being doics.

Touquet.

Gloves first.

Sharon?

We'll be on the screens, Trace.

Our faces are pulled.

If you're feeling better, Tracey, would
you mind waiting at reception?

What? What's happening?

Mind your own.

Since when have we had secrets from each
other?

Since I climbed on this table.

Well?

Well, there's good news and bad news, as
they say.

Oh, what's the bad news?

Well, it's not really very bad. It's
simply a mild case of thrush.

Kill that, Dave.

Oh, it's not necessarily anyone's fault.
It can be caused by stress, excessive

drinking. It ain't caused by sex.

A direct causal link has never been
established, although nuns don't seem to

it.

Must be the stress thing, Sharon.

So what's the cure, then?

Tablets? Well, I could give you
antibiotics, but I don't like

willy -nilly.

Use your pen, then.

In my opinion, the best treatment is
live yoghurt.

Try it out.

Precisely.

What? No, you don't actually eat it. You
apply it to the affected area.

Are you saying I've got to walk around
with live yoghurt in me Alan Wickers?

It is the best treatment, I assure you.

Well, if you say so.

You're the governor.

Come on, Trey.

I did say there was good news.

Don't tell me. You know where I can get
yoghurt wholesale?

No. Sharon, you're pregnant.
Congratulations.

I just can't believe it, Trace.

You know I can't have kids.

He must be wrong.

He's a top man in Arley Street.

I got Billy for 200 quid to prove it.

Garnet with water, conserving new
potatoes and green salad.

Because Marcus and I don't want to bring
children into a crowded, polluted and

dangerous world.

I know Tidwell isn't that proud, but...
Gotta go, Mummy.

I'll talk to you tonight.

What's the brolly for, Dorian? I don't
know how to turn off the automatic

sprinkler.

Well? Well, what?

So, how did you get on?

Dr Kaufman, gorgeous. Hasn't he got
beautiful fingernails?

I'm just glad he keeps them short,
that's all.

Conditioned, Tracy. Is everything okay?

Dorian, has it ever occurred to you that
we might not want to share all our

intimate secrets with you?

But he's my gynaecologist.

Oh, I see.

Yoghurt.

Yes, you see.

Yoghurt. So?

Thrush is nothing to be ashamed of,
Sharon.

I just like eating yoghurt, all right?

There's something wrong, I can tell.

Just leave me alone, Dorian. It was a
false alarm, wasn't it? You aren't

pregnant. I'm sensitive.

I pick up telltale non -verbal signs
like smoking and drinking.

All right, clever clogs, I'm not
pregnant. But she is.

Sharon!

Thank you very much, Tracy.

But you yourself told me you couldn't
have children.

Yeah, well, that's what I thought.

Well, surely you had all the tests done.

Oh, she had all the tests done, but she
couldn't understand the results.

Why not?

They were in Greek.

That lying merchant of a husband of mine
had him done on the cheap by his cousin

Tony, who worked in some hospital lab.

The results were in Greek.

Chris had to translate them for me.
That's terrible.

Oh, what a mug I was.

I swallowed it all.

It was Macho Man who couldn't make
babies, not me.

All those years I let him walk all over
me.

All those years he'd... family treated
me like dirt because I weren't a

woman. Oh, Sharon, look on the bright
side.

You've always said you love children and
now you're going to have one.

You've got a nice new man.

Does he like children?

I don't know if he likes children.

I don't even know his surname.

So, did you have a good holiday?

Yeah, magic.

From the first Wednesday to the day
before we come back, it's a complete

But I've seen the photos, so I know I
had a blinding time.

Got the stand?

Yeah, God knows how.

They must have taken the roof off the
pub.

Still, back to earth, eh?

Can I get you a drink?

Nah, better not. I'm driving.

So, where is she, then?

She's not back yet.

Oh, I hope she ain't long. I booked a
table for half nine.

Aw, are you taking her out for dinner?

No, down to snooker club.

She shouldn't be long. She's got a job,
ain't she, in that west?

Really?

Yeah. Up with the suit.

She's real classy, your sister.

Lovely dresser. Yeah.

I don't know why she's bothering,
though. I mean, she left the jacket in a

months, didn't she?

Yeah, why's that, then?

Well, because of the baby.

What?

What, you having a baby, are you, Tracy?

Look at her.

Here, ain't your old man?

Well, I mean, I'm not saying that... I'm
not having a baby.

Sharon is.

She's having a baby.

What?

You mean I... I'm gonna...

Here, hold on. I bought her 300 extra
long and a bottle of vodka.

Look, don't let on I said anything, all
right? She'll want to tell you herself.

Dave's here, shall?

Hello, doll.

Oh, blimey.

And I've missed you.

Yeah, me and all.

Look, I don't really know where to go
next night, Dave.

I've had hell of a day.

Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah.

Just sit down, put your feet up.

We'll stay in and watch the telly.

That'll be creaky, don't mind.

He had his boxing on later.

I'll just have a share in an early
night.

Yeah, fine, OK, yeah.

You just take it easy. I mean, in your
condition... Oops.

What do you mean, oops?

Oh, look, I can't wait any longer for
you to tell us official, like, I'm on

bricks, it's knockout.

You told him?

I didn't mean to.

It was an accident.

That's all right, I'm really chuffed.

Mum's always saying I should settle
down.

You know, there was three less on
holiday this year.

Everyone's getting wives and kids and
mortgages. Oh, shut up, Dave!

What?

Look, it's the hormones.

First few weeks are always upsetting.

She'll be all right.

Look, you make yourself at home.

What's the matter, Cheryl?

I mean, Dave's happy as a dog with four
lampposts.

You never thought that, did you?

He's really pleased.

It was none of your business.

You had no right.

No, I know.

I'm sorry.

I mean, you had to tell him sometime,
didn't you?

I mean, he'd be banned to notice.

You know, in five or six years' time
when you've got to start picking it up

school.

What is it?

Look, Dave's a nice bloke, Trace.

He's a real laugh.

But it don't mean I want to time
yourself down, does it?

But he really wants you.

Oh, Chris really wanted me when we was
first together.

They're all the same blokes.

Football, boxing, snooker, darts, going
down the local with their mates, fencing

anything that moves in a short skirt.

Once the knobby wears off, he'll be out
on the beer and I'll be indoors ironing

nappies. Get disposables.

Get stuffed.

Look, Dave might be different.

He might be, but he ain't.

Well, you've got to give him a chance,
haven't you?

I mean, you're going to have his baby.

No, I ain't.

What?

I said I ain't. You deaf?

Oh, you ain't going to do nothing
stupid, are you?

No, I ain't going to do nothing.

I already have.

That's right.

Penny dropped, has it?

I didn't go job hunting today.

Go downstairs, will you, please, Trace?

You tell Dave you'd better go home.

And I might give him a ring in a couple
of days.

If he still wants to talk to me.

Oh.

Hello, mum?

Yeah, you better sit down.

Oh, I ain't calling you from the Spanish
police station again.

I learned my lesson last year.

No, now stop trying to guess or I won't
tell you.

Mum?

You're going to be a name.

Yeah, of course I'm going to marry her.

I love her.

Yeah. It's really smashing.