All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s01e03 Shift

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you

that won't...

What will I do?

What the...? It was an accident.

What are you cleaning up with? That's a
dishcloth, not a floorcloth. That was

new yesterday.

Oh, dear me.

That's a drycloth ruined.

It can't stay in the drains.

Quick, put the eggs up for sale.

The point is, the dishcloth lives in the
sink today and the floorcloth lives

under the sink. All right?

And the wicked troll lives under the
rickety bridge.

And he wants to eat the three billy
goats gruff.

King Prong.

What do you think you're doing eating
them?

I think I'm eating them.

Definitely what I'm doing.

You've got a nerve. They're Daryl's
favourite.

Well, I hate to say this, Trace, but the
Prong sell -by date is a lot earlier

than Daryl's dad's sell -by date.

You cow.

Well, I didn't send him, Dad.

No, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

It's just I was having this lovely
dream.

That's Daryl's favourite mug.

Sorry, Trace. I just thought it fell off
the table.

Daryl's 1980 West Ham FA Cup winner's
mug.

I bought him that. It's never even been
in a dishwasher.

I said I'm sorry, Trace.

If you like, I'll go down Upton Park and
get him another one, eh?

Of course, it'll have to be the 1989
relegation mug.

It's not funny, you clumsy, great lump.

Calm down, Tracy. You can't keep this up
for the rest of the century. What are

you getting at?

Ever since the boys got sent down, you
have been impossible to live with.

Yeah, well, there's a simple solution to
that, then. Sling you up.

What I'm saying is... Why are you
punishing yourself?

I'm not punishing myself. They're
punishing me.

They've put the man I love behind bars.

It's all right for you. You're pleased
to be the back of your Chris.

Didn't mean I wanted to see him locked
up.

I'd have been just as happy if he'd gone
off to live with Salman Rushdie.

They never think of the wives when they
send them into jail, do they?

Of course they think of the wives.

They think we're a bunch of old slags
who've had the benefit of our husband's

ill -gotten gain and deserve an hard
time when they get banged up.

Well, I'm going to cop for that. I'm
going to get on with me life.

So phone now on 499 -2191 and win your
30 -year -old autographed Jason Donovan

calendar.

What do you think you're doing?

You heard him. But you don't even like
Jason Donovan. Shut up.

Trace, I'm through.

I'm through.

Hello? Oh, dear.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm Sharon of Edmonton.

No, I ain't. I'm Sharon of Chigwell.

Yeah, I just moved.

What question?

I didn't hear no question.

I didn't hear no question.

That phone costs money, you know.

Did you hear a question?

What on earth have you felt like helping
with this bill?

Oh, you're money -mad, you are.

Hang about, hang about. What's all these
0898 numbers?

They're the ones you ring up and someone
talks dirty to you for 50p a minute,

aren't they?

No. It's only 38p off -peak.

Anyway, how do you know all about them?

Because I once caught Garfield using his
dad's car phone, talking to sexy Sadie,

all about, you know.

No, what?

Dirty things.

Like how to change an oil filter and
that.

You know what I mean, it.

Tracy, the hunk line isn't dirty as
such.

It's more sort of romantic.

There's this bloke with this really kind
of deep voice.

but only with it.

Bit like Alistair Burnett.

He sort of talks to you.

Quite erotic, really.

I phone it up sometimes late at night
when I can't sleep.

Helps me to my neck.

Yeah, well, judging by this, you've been
born asleep with a phone off the hook.

Look, it's got to stop, Cheryl. I know
that's thicker than water and all that,

but it ain't as if you ain't got your
own place to go to.

Yeah, but I ain't on the dog there, am
I?

Don't take the mick, Sharon.

Look, seriously, if I went...

Keep your company, eh?

Well, if it's a choice between company
and bankruptcy, I'll talk to meself.

Bankruptcy? Oh, do me a favour. You're
rolling in it.

This house, two cars, money in the bank.

Daryl's left you well set up. So what
have he did?

He still don't grow on trees.

Have you got any idea what this house
costs to run?

No, have you?

No.

Daryl took care of all the big bills.

The point is it costs a site more to run
this place than a council flat in

Edmonton. Well, I'd work that one out
for myself, Trace.

I mean, I thought it'd be a bit more
than what I pay for my flat, seeing as

you've got an indoor pool and I've only
got condensation.

You're lucky to have a council flat.
Some people have to live in cardboard

boxes.

Oh, you'd know all about cardboard
boxes, wouldn't you, eh?

What, with your new fridge, new cooker,
new telly, new dishwasher?

God, dear me, you must be solving the
airs in crisis single -handed.

I've got a peckham in stomach.

So what you're saying is you think it's
time I went?

No, I... I've outstayed my welcome. No.

So you want me to stay? Well, of course.
You've twisted me up.

All I'm trying to say is you could make
a bit more of a contribution instead of

poncing off me all the time.

I mean, after all, you have got your own
job to go to.

Go back to low price?

But I hate it.

Of course you hate it. It's a job, isn't
it? You've hated every job you've ever

had. I bet you'd find something to
complain about if your job was testing

condoms with Don Johnson.

The curtains were drawn.

I was watching a video, Dorian. Oh,
something racy.

Have I missed much?

Come in, madame.

Ooh, home movies.

Ooh, good -looking husband you've got
there.

You want to keep an eye on him.

I've got a pretty fair idea where he's
going to be for the next eight years,

thank you.

Dorian, this is my husband I'm looking
at. These videos are the remnants of our

life together.

Do you think I'll put all this make -up
on to watch Blankety Blank? No, no, of

course not.

Look, I'll go. I'll come back at a
better time.

How's your diary for 1995?

Insane. Like all my diaries till Daryl
gets that.

Look, I'm sorry I bit your head off. Is
this a social visit or did you just want

to borrow a sack of coal?

Well, actually, I'm collecting for
Greenpeace.

They put me on a committee.

You? I wouldn't have thought you'd be
into all that. Just because I don't ruin

my clothes with badges.

All right, how much?

No, no.

It's for the charity shop. It's old
clothes I want.

Anything. Larch is Kenzo. A Jasper
Conran you shouldn't have brought, but

couldn't resist it. When you got it
home, it clashed with your Catherine

What are you on about?

Designer labels, household names.

I always thought household names meant
Ajax and Rice Krispies.

You mean your clothes aren't designer?

Some of them are and some of them
aren't. And some of the ones that

Come again?

Well, for example, Sharon's brother -in
-law, George, has got a factory in Stoke

Newington, what turns out, T -shirt.

He also sells for a quid a piece. You
can buy them down Romford Market for £2

.50 or down South Moulton Street for a
score.

So what's the difference?

Well, you're not just buying the T
-shirt, dear. You're getting an

carrier bag, too.

The real trouble is you're such a snob.
No, it's no trouble, I assure you.

Well, as it happens, I do have a few
things you can have for your shop.

But I'm not sure the labels are up to
it. Oh, Tracy, please. Anything you have

to give will be gratefully accepted.

I mean, the sort of people you buy at
charity shops.

Down and outs, abandoned wives, Michael
Foot.

Well, then I... All right, come
upstairs, then. Thank you, dear.

And if they're really dreck, we'll hang
them at the back.

Can you wear these?

Oh, lovely.

What about shoes?

Yes, lovely.

We still mess wear, too.

What? I was just wondering, I mean... I
can't part with any fit of Daryl's. No,

OK, only, well, it'll all be out of
fashion by the time he gets back.

Out of fashion?

These are his clothes, understand?

They're part of him. They've got his
smell on them.

What? Sometimes at night I lay one of
his suits next to me on the bed with a

light set.

Sounded exactly like my sex life as
Marcus.

Actually, maybe Daryl's suits move
around a bit more.

I love this shirt.

I got it for Daryl to wear at the party
we was going to have when he got

acquitted. He's never even seen it.
You've got a tissue?

What? Oh, hang on.

What's the matter?

This shirt, I never even saw him in it.

Well, of course you never. Daryl's never
worn it. I've just told you. Not Daryl.

Luke.

What, your kitchen -fitting toy boy?

I bought him this exact shirt last week.
I just thought he'd look so sexy in it,

and I'd hardly given it to him when he
told me he doesn't want to see me

anymore. He didn't even wait to get the
pins and the cardboard dog collar out.

Then he met some young student teacher
he really likes.

There's no future going out with a
married woman. He said, you'll never

your husband. He said, I'm just a bit of
fluff to you, he said.

Well, he is right, isn't he?

But I love him.

Well, then why don't you leave Marcus
and set up home with this load? Because

don't want to be poor again.

Again? Tracy, no -one in Chigwell except
Marcus knows what I'm going to tell you

now. You've got to swear you'll keep
this a secret.

I'll swear.

Before I got married, I lived with my
parents in the top half of a house in

Collindale.

No, you never.

Yes.

My poor father overshowled and sold
fabric in my Uncle Lou's shop.

My Uncle Lou had a Humber Super Sniper
house in Wilton when it was something to

be proud of and a flat in Eastbourne.

And my father, he had a heart attack.

What's funny?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dorian, but I never
thought you was working class like us.

Do you mind? I am not working class.

I'm Jewish.

I've had a go.

Now, come on, don't get all stroppy.

Look, if you really love this Luke,
you'd just have to fight for keeping,

wouldn't you?

If it was me, I wouldn't give up so
easy. You're right, Tracy.

Why should I let some 19 -year -old
bimbo with blonde hair, perfect skin,

legs, pert breasts and firm bottom make
all the running?

I've got something she hasn't got.

Cellulite?

Money. Well, Marcus's money, to be
precise.

I'll buy Luke that wild silk suit from
Emporio Chakamani I know he loves.

£700, but this is war.

Fancy a trip to Kensington?

Yeah, all right. Why not?

You're funny. You're the first person to
make me laugh since... Oh!

Oh!

250 gram apricot halves and heavy syrup.

34p.

34p. That's what I said.

Sharon. Didn't expect to see you back. I
mean, not yet.

Well... Your doctor said it'd do me good
to get back to work. Be among me

friends, you know.

Morning, Mrs. Hick.

Mr. James.

Had a good look, have you?

Anyone would think you'd never seen a
gangster's mould before.

What till do you want me on, then?

Well, under the circumstances, I don't
mean any personal slight, but all things

considered, I'd better put you on the
delicatessen and cold meats for a couple

of days.

Cold meats?

Oh, I...

What you're saying is you don't be near
the money.

My husband's a convicted felon, so I'm
tired with the same brush.

Guilt by association.

I've been here ten years.

I've been here longer than what you
have.

Sharon, I know you're as honest as the
day is long.

Clock's going back tomorrow night.

But if you're a till short at the end of
the day through no thought of your own,

then head office just might think...
That I'm a thief.

All right, fair enough.

I hear ya.

Cold meats it is, then.

It's a beautiful suit, isn't it?

The trousers... are half -lined.

It looks fantastic on you, doesn't it,
Tracy?

What? Doesn't Andrew look great?

Yeah, lovely.

Have you got some neck arse and a
stranger to try a suit on for you? He

here. Oh.

Your son's very lucky getting a suit
like this for his birthday.

Well, you know how fashion -conscious 14
-year -olds are.

Well, it's hard to believe you could
have a teenage son.

I love the old lines.

What's done?

I didn't want to tell him it was for
Luke, did I? I might put him off. Off

Off me.

What do you mean, off you? Well, you saw
him. He's gorgeous.

Yes, but you're buying this suit to get
Luke back.

You're crazy about Luke. Remember,
without Luke, life is meaningless.

You told me that in the car. And I meant
it. Without Luke, my life's a vacuum.

But that doesn't mean that I'm not drawn
towards masculine beauty. There's

nothing wrong with that.

I'm a very sexual person.

That is, we're in a wedding ring.

So am I.

Anything else?

Not in the way of clothes.

You're a right cart, you are, Dorian.

No, I'm just in tune to the rhythm of my
body.

American Express?

Of course.

I'll have to phone for a sanction.

Take all day.

Do you want my name and address?

That's not necessary for a credit card.
I know, but take it anyway.

Don't call after 7 o 'clock. And if a
man answers, say you're seeking

to charity and he'll hang up.

Hello? Yes, I'd like a sanction on an
American Express card. Oh, you've got to

have these sweaters. They're fabulous.

Yeah, but they're so expensive.

Not for designer labels.

I don't know why you don't wear your
clothes inside out if the labels are so

important. I'm sorry, Tracy. I'm being
thoughtless.

Well, no more than usual.

No, I mean with your husband living away
from home, so to speak. Of course you

have to be a little careful with money.

I want for nothing.

Daryl's left us very well provided for.

Financially, at least.

I'll have them both.

One for me and one for Garfield. Well,
put them on my bill.

I'm not taking any down. I'm not
offering. You can settle up with me

All right, then.

Fine, thanks.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

It's a pleasure to be of service. I'm
glad to hear it. When's your day off?

Just over, all right? No, I want it
exact.

I'm not made of money, not like some
people around here.

Oh, surprised to see you back at work so
quick.

Made your day then, hadn't I?

Portable corned beef with no thumb, if
it ain't too much fun.

I've been seeing you at the flat.

Been to town with your sister?

Yeah, that's right.

Surprised you have to work.

What with your old man's stash and your
Tracy being loaded and all. Oh, I don't

have to work.

I choose to work. To pay me way at
Tracy's.

I mean, I could ponce off her, but I
don't like to. All right.

Not that you'd understand.

Meaning? Meaning the concept of honest
labour is one that you've never really

come to terms with.

I've got to make ends meet.

Like your end and my Chris's end, for
example.

Look, that's ancient history.

We had a few drinks, we were in his new
full supper.

He was feeling sorry for himself, seeing
as you had gone right off sick.

Oh, that's what he said, was it? That's
what he said.

And you felt sorry for him?

Yeah, I did, as it happens.

So you give him a free sample?

You saying I'm on the game?

I'm saying nothing.

But then it weren't me that put
postcards up in every sweet shop window

Edmonton. Swedish message.

Your sexual services are better than
your spelling.

Sharon, my office, now.

There's no need.

You can give me a check.

Oh, I'd rather give you the cash. Me and
Daryl prefer cash.

No money?

How can I have no money? My husband's a
bloody bank robber.

Hello, it's Mrs Stubbs again.

What time did Ranjeet leave?

Well, he ain't here yet.

I don't give a toss how much traffic
there is on the M25.

Look, give me his car phone number.

Oh, it's all right. That must be him.

Oh, his entry.

Couldn't get to my key.

I'll shut the door, shall I?

Oh.

So, then I turned on the old waterworks,
didn't I?

I said, how did he expect a poor girl on
her own to cope without a job?

He felt sorry for me. Gave me a month's
pay in lieu of notice.

Which you instantly blew, downward green
shopping city.

Eh? Why shouldn't I?

Well, if you don't know.

I mean, you could have offered thanks
for all the phone bill.

Oh, there.

Or the electric, or the gas, or the
water rates.

and you're always snarting around in
that fridge.

You spend more time in the jacuzzi than
what the plug does.

Hold up, hold up.

It's all right for you, Mrs Moneybag.

You give better things to charity shops
than what I've got.

When was the last time I had some new
gear, eh?

When have I ever had anything really
nice?

When we were kids, all I had was your
hen, me dam.

Me first nappy had your skid marks on
it.

Once in my...

I decided to treat myself.

Yeah, what's that?

A carrier bag.

You've seen a carrier bag before,
haven't you?

Oh, Trace.

Why didn't you say you got us a jumper?

Which one's yours?

The red one.

Oh, is it?

I like the red one.

I like them both, of course.

It'll be on the small side, though.

It's because it's for Garth.

Oh, thanks a bundle. They didn't have
your size.

150 quid.

You hypocrite.

I bought two dresses, a suit, three
blouses, five T -shirts, a jumper, two

of shoes, six pair of tights and some
naughty knickers and it never came for

quid. When I bought this stuff, I
thought I had money in the bank.

What do you mean, salt?

Well, Dorian laid out for me in the
shop. When I went to get her money back

of one of those cash machines, it chewed
me card up and told me I was skinned.

She'll be knocking on the door any
minute now for 300 quid. What am I going

do? Don't ask me.

In our flex, we do a runner if a
neighbour comes to get a cup of sugar

If only you'd show me a bit more
consideration.

Don't start all that again.

I ain't psychic, am I?

How was I to know you was down and out
in Beverly Hills?

Look, if you're really in trouble, I...

I'll take my stuff back tomorrow, get
you some credit notes.

Sharon, I can't give Dorian a C &A
credit note.

She'd rather have Colonel Gaddafi round
for drinks and be seen dead in C &A.

Oh, well, if that's your attitude,
you're just as bad as she is.

Right pair of snobs.

You know what your trouble is, don't
you?

You've forgotten your roots.

Well, I ain't. I'm working class and I'm
proud of it.

And I ain't going to stand round here
and be insulted.

I'm going to go up and have a jacuzzi,
then I'm going to the wine bar.

They've got that Beaujolais Nouveau gear
in this week.

Can I borrow your heated rollers?

No.

Not bad for a chain store, shall?

Even though I think myself.

If you don't pull tonight, girl.

Might as well become a nan.

Detective Inspector Monk, serious crime
squad.

You don't mind if we turn your gaff
over?

Do you, darling?

I don't believe this.

But what are they looking for up there?

Am I allowed to open my own front door?

Oh, have I called at a bad time?

Yes.

Anything I can do?

No.

Oh, Ranjith, thank God.

Where have you been?

Come on.

What's going on, Ranjith? I've been
trying to phone you. Yeah, and I was

to phone you, but you were engaged.
That's co -reg monks upstairs with a

warrant. I know, look.

Do you mind, love, isn't Mrs Stubbs
entitled to some privacy when she's

to a solicitor?

But you ain't me solicitor, you're me
accountant.

She don't know that, though, does she?

What are they looking for? I mean, they
searched the house three times while

Daryl was on remand. Yeah, but last
night they pulled someone who's put his

hands up to being on a big job Daryl was
supposed to have done back in 87.

A pal of mine at your bank said office
tipped me the wink. Yeah, but what's

got to do with freezing my bank account
and everything?

It's obvious, Tracy.

Well, not to me it's not, Ranji.

Look, the police never believed that all
this was bought with kosher money, did

they? But why not?

I mean, Daryl's legit business was doing
terrific.

He couldn't have wrecked his
conservatories quick enough.

The business still wasn't making a sort
of money that buys a million quid house,

two new cars every year, gas school
fees.

A million pounds?

Of course, didn't you know?

Daryl took care of all the bills.

Exactly. So if the police can prove that
this house was bought with the proceeds

of crime, they can take it away from you
and put you out on the streets.

They can't. Well, I bet.

They can even bang you up for receiving.

But, I mean, if Daryl did do a big job
three years ago, they're hardly going to

find a sack of money under the bed now,
are they? They're not looking for money.

The grass says Daryl did that wholesale
jewelers in Atten Garden.

Look, he was in all the papers and he
got away with nearly half a million's

worth.

When was this exactly?

February the 12th, 1987.

I hope you didn't get any really nice
toms for Valentine's Day, that, yeah?

my God.

My diamond ring.

What? It's on my ring tree.

Which you keep in a safety deposit vault
in Geneva.

Which I keep on my dressing table
upstairs.

I hope you've got a nice warm night, you
Tracy.

Because they're not into central eating
in Holloway Prison.

Of course.

I make a tidy bit outside doing jobs for
a new mate.

I mean, telecom pays the rent and
there's five at work that run DXR3i.

Have a drink.

Sir, I'll have a champagne cocktail,
please.

Over here, John.

Champagne cocktail and a lighter.

So, are you celebrating something, then?

Yes. I had a bit of a windfall today.

Oh, very nice.

So what do you charge?

Do you mind?

All right, let's sort it out.

For an installation, I mean.

Well, I could do with my own phone.

You pick the piece, get in the oven, and
I use those all the time.

What, rabbit into the fiancé, are you?

What fiancé?

I am engaged.

Unlike the telephone.

Right.

So what's that big diamond ring all
about, then?

Oh, this?

No, it's a bit of costume jewellery I
lent off my sister.

Yeah?

I don't reckon that's no cubic zirconia.

I reckon that's the business.

Get off.

Just wanted an excuse to roll me in,
didn't you?

This was a real diamond.

It's cut bells, wasn't it?

Thanks.

And I thought I pulled a millionaire in
tonight, the way you'll turn out.

What is?

25 quid in C &A sales.

I like a woman who's careful with money.

Does that mean you take me home tonight,
then?

I'll drink to that