All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s01e02 Just Visiting

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you?

What'll I do?

The share is the benches at Wimbledon.

Yeah, I couldn't have ever thanked a
bloke with false teeth.

Hi, Trace.

Are you still in there, are you? Any
longer and you'll get poached.

Two to be taken four times a day before
meals.

What if you ain't got no appetite?

Are you sure those acutablets are strong
enough?

I don't know.

I feel lousy.

But maybe I feel worse about them.

No. I don't feel worse than this.

That's out of it, Trey.

You can't stay on trance for the next
ten years.

It ain't ten years.

The good behaviour will be out on July
the 15th, 1997.

What time?

7am.

Look, it ain't funny, Sharon. I've lost
a man I love.

It's all right for you. You're happy
they put your crick away.

I'm not happy.

I'm ecstatic.

You've been so heartless.

Well,

I've told you before about eating them
in the jacuzzi. Daryl says it burns up

the filter.

Oh!

Oh, calm down.

Say a few crumbs.

Perrier.

Camembert.

Fromage fraise.

What happened to egg and bacon?

Fried bread?

Porridge? Sorry, forget I said porridge.

Why, it's cold. Not the fridge, your
face.

Just making conversation.

Well, don't.

Suit yourself.

You eating that, measly?

What's it look like?

Looks like pig's will, if it's going
begging.

Oh, pig's will's right, the noise you
make.

I'm just draining out the hard bits from
me teeth.

The hard bits are good for you.

That's what Chris used to say when we
were caught in... Here.

Guess what I've got in my pocket.

He used to say that, didn't he, Wretch?

Put a sock in it, Sharon.

No, no, no, it's not a sock.

It's a letter addressed to you in a
childish, unformed hand.

The question is, why is my Chris writing
to you?

It is, slagbag. It's from Garth.

Oh, I bet he's found out about his dad.

You mean he's not Daryl's?

You can always go back to Edmonton, you
know. You're supposed to be here to

cheer me up.

Sorry, Trace.

So what's my nephew got to say for
himself?

Dear Mummy and Daddy.

Dear Mummy and Daddy.

Must be an echo in here.

I can't. You read it.

Dear Mummy and Daddy.

Sorry I haven't written before, but I'm
having such a super time here, I forgot

to.

Fisk's is a great school.

I've really settled in well.

All the stories about bullying and
caning and rotten food and cold dorms

sinister homosexual initiation rites
aren't true at all.

A lovely turn of phrase, isn't he?

Mind you, it's spelling.

Initiation, right? R -I -T -E -S. Oh,
that's it.

I'm really looking forward to you both
coming up to Fisk's on our open day next

week. And maybe you can take me into
Kettering for a slap -up curry.

Not that food here isn't fitting.

I love you both, Garth.

Oh, bless him. Sounds like he's setting
in OK.

So when are you going to tell him that
his dad's staying at the Queen's Hotel?

I can't. I can't.

Why are you going to tell him that his
dad's been selected for the first manned

space flight to Saturn?

I thought maybe I could say that Daryl's
gone to build a conservatory in the

Middle East.

For eight years?

Tracy, the Crystal Palace didn't take
eight years. Don't be so stupid.

I've thought it all through.

See, I've picked on the Middle East so
that after a few months I could say that

Daryl's been taken hostage by Shiite
militants.

Well, Shiite's the word.

Right then, Kate Adie, what would you
tell Garth?

The truth.

It'll have to come out in the end. I
can't.

Honesty is the best policy, Trace.

Did you make that up yourself?

No, it was a motto in a box of Christmas
crackers I nicked out at low price.

You ain't got no braids.

Yeah, well, you know where the shops
are.

Well, thank you ever so much for
demonstrating your new rotating spit,

I'll certainly discuss it with my
husband.

Dorian! Hi!

Dorian, hang on!

Dorian, any chance of a lift?

Dorian!

It's me, Sharon.

I'm aware it's you, Sharon.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go
home and put on Marcus's dinner.

Won't suit you.

It's pottos first. It needs a lot of
simmering.

Unlike Luke Skywalker and his rotating
spit, eh?

I've nothing to say to you, dear.

And will you take your hand off my car?
Your sweat is dulling the bright work.

What's got into you, face ape?

Oh, no, don't answer that one.

So what's the problem?

Didn't your vikings take you all the way
to Valhalla? You don't realise, do you?

You just don't understand the
cataclysmic impact your husbands have

No. That's because I only speak English.

Marcus has calculated that having a pair
of gangster's moles living next door

has knocked at least 40 ,000 off the
value of our house.

Gangster's moles?

Look, we didn't even know that... Oh,
please.

How can you live with someone and not
know his every movement?

I don't know.

I'll have to ask your Marcus if he knows
your every movement, particularly at

the Lundquist Kitchen and Ecstasy
showroom.

You wouldn't tell Marcus that. Well,
let's put it this way.

A gangster's mould's never grass on a
friend.

But then you ain't a friend no more, are
you?

Dan, Dan, the chlorine man.

I've come to give you a good service in.

And while I'm at it, I might even do
your pool for you as well, if you like.

Do you get it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've always liked this pool.

Nicest pool in Chippewa.

What? I mean, Bobby Moore's got a bigger
one.

But it's football shakes, you know.

Very difficult to work out how much
chlorine you've got a bung in it, you

what I mean?

By the way, I was sorry to hear about
your old man getting banged up.

Who's been drawing?

The next door.

Oh, yeah, should have known. All math
and shoulder pads, though. Yeah.

I bet you feel you lost a loved one,
don't you?

I have lost a loved one, you dope.

Yeah, of course you have.

Of course you have.

So, er, keen swimmer, are you?

Not really.

In fact, I don't suppose I'll ever swim
in it again.

No? Why is that?

Because it makes me cry.

What, too much chlorine?

Oh, the thought of my Daryl in it every
morning doing his lengths.

He'd like to get a lengthening in the
mornings, didn't he?

You can blame him.

Dirty little sod.

Just trying to be jovial.

Look, just clean the pool, all right?

All right.

So, uh, how old will you be when your
old man gets out of neck then?

I'll be 40. All right, nosy?

40? Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.

What are you getting at?

Well, you've just got to get on with
life, haven't you? Pick yourself up,

new people, get out and about.

You're trying to pull me, aren't you?

No, no, no.

Well, obviously, I wouldn't kick you out
of... I wouldn't say no. You're a very

tasty... You're a very attractive woman.

So you are trying to pull me, then?

Well, every night... I'll go down the
flying angel. Now, if you want to come

down there sometime, have a bit of a
bevy, a bit of a laugh.

Now, on Thursday, there's a wet T -shirt
competition.

I'm not suggesting you went or anything.

I'd like to see a pair of pert nipples
prodding through the flimsy fabric of a

wet T -shirt.

Blimey. This could be my lucky day.

Fuck!

Oh, no, it ain't.

I'm going to get him struck off.

He's a poor man, Trace.

Not a guy in a college, is he?

Oh, it's all right for you. You weren't
sexually harassed.

All right, don't rub it in.

Next time, you can go up the shop.

I could have been raped.

Oh, do me a favour.

It was him what needed mouth -to -mouth.

Good job I come home when I did, or the
poor bloke would be trans.

I thought he was bluffing to get a snog.

How was I to know he couldn't swim?

Bit stupid in his line of business.

When I tell Daryl tomorrow... You can't
tell him.

The poor bloke will go spare.

Well, he can't do anything about it, can
he? Locked up in there.

No, you've got to talk about nice, warm
family things.

Keep his pecker up.

You're right, Shell.

I'm going to write down everything I
want to say.

Otherwise I'll get all tongue -tied.

Oh, I don't need to write down what I'm
going to say to Chris.

I've learned it by heart.

On your bike, toe rag.

I'll get it.

Might be the pool man back for another
Frenchie.

I've come to apologise.

Don't stand on ceremony. Come in.

Tracy. Sharon.

What can I say?

Plenty. Unless you put your tongue in
traction.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
She knows, Trace.

I just want to offer a total,
unequivocal, 100 % apology for what I

Sharon. You got something I can put the
flowers in?

Your mouth.

There's a vase under the sink.

So what happens this half past eleven,
then?

Are the ads valued, have you?

Please, it's nothing to do with money.

It's just I've come to realise that I
was wrong to judge.

Let she who is without extra marital
nookie cast the first stone, eh?

And what's the big idea mouthing off to
the pullman about my Daryl? I know, I

know. Sorry, grovel grovel.

Look, I know I've got a mouth on me.
Like a whale?

A sperm whale.

But I've got a heart of gold.

Ask anyone.

She got an alcohol chill.

That's the buzz on the street, Trace.

And on it, please.

I just want to be friends.

What, a pair of gangster's moles like
us?

I have apologised.

I have brought and arranged flowers.

All right, Dorian, apologies accepted.
Now, do you want a sandwich?

Uh, no.

Can I have two?

Yes, lovely.

No milk. Slice of lemon.

Don't think we've got a lemon.

We've got a grapefruit.

I'll drink it black.

So, Tracy, how are you bearing up?

The nights are the worst.

I just lie there thinking about how it
used to be with Daryl.

Tossing and turning, remembering.

Doctors put me on pills.

Oh, don't start on tablets. You don't
want to get involved with tablets. I

about tablets. I trained as a Samaritan.

I did all the training.

I was prepared to commit myself.

Only in the end, they said my listening
skills weren't quite up to scratch. And

I said, what? And they said, your
listening skills aren't quite up to

But the stories I heard, women on
tablets for 20 years, it's a life

Now, I know your Daryl is going to be
behind bars until the Queen's golden

wedding. But he will come out.

And when he does, he doesn't want to see
his wife turn into a pill -popping

zombie.

She's right, Trane.

No, better than drugs. You want to
pamper yourself. I mean, look at you.

When did you last put on make -up?

When did you last have your hair done?

Last day of the trial.

You haven't had your hair done in over a
week.

I haven't had my hair done in over a
year.

There's no point throwing good money
after bad.

Sharon, sorry, just a joke, I promise.

I don't think it's very funny.

A bad joke, I admit it. I ought to bite
my tongue.

Mm, there.

Listen, Tracy, when you go to visit your
Daryl, he doesn't want to see you

looking like this.

This is a good day.

So, while the other cadets were re
-enacting the invasion of the Falkland

Islands, I sloped off.

It's the right catering station, and
here I am, playing truant.

It ain't truancy, Garth. It's desertion.

When you go back, they'll probably shoot
you.

Ah, they won't.

Because I ain't never going back.

Ain't never.

Is this the same kid what wrote that
lovely letter?

Dear Mumsy and Dadsy, Latin is super,
spotted dick is spiffing.

coded message.

Oh, well, I didn't get it.

Did you?

I mean, do I ever call Mum and Dad Mummy
and Daddy?

Of course not.

That's a secret signal.

I worked out with Dad in case I had
Niagara at school.

But he must have stuffed it.

Oh, well, he ain't seen it yet.

Well, why not?

Do you want another sandwich?

No.

Why'd he read it?

Well, he's been tied up.

He ain't been home for a few days.

Well, where is he then?

Are you doing a job somewhere?

Look, your mum will be home in a few
minutes.

Something's up, innit?

They ain't split up, have they?

Is that why they sent me off to Fife?
Because they're splitting up?

Don't be daft.

Look, they're potty about each other.

It's embarrassing to go out with them in
public sometimes.

Well, then what is it, then?

Thank you very much, Tracey.

I love Marcus Groping a quarter of a
million a year, but he's never there

need him emotionally or physically.

Dorian.

Can I help it if I'm a sensual person,
Tracy?

There's no good Marcus being tied up in
the boardroom when I want to be tied up

in the bedroom.

Haven't you got no shame?

What do you mean, shame?

This is home territory. All the boys
know me. We have no secrets.

Catholics go to the confessional.

Rich, poor Jewish housewives go to the
health car and have a fair.

It's just not fair, is it?

You're with a bloke you couldn't give a
toss about, and I'm kept apart from the

most important person in my life.

And what am I going to tell my Garth?

I think this is where we came in.

Tell him the truth.

I can't.

Ow!

Garth!

Open this door now!

I ain't doing any good.

She was going to tell you herself.

Eventually. She just didn't know how to.

Not ripping our clothes to shreds by
now.

Your dad bought her that mirror.

when she gets home.

Oh, Garth and me.

Please.

Is that you, Trace? Oh, who else has got
a key?

Garth has. Now get your bum up here
quick.

What's happening?

He's in there ripping your clothes to
shreds. He's also improving the value of

your house by providing you with a
second indoor swimming pool.

I'll kill the little...

Dead? Who?

I tried to be tactful, Trace.

Oh, that's a bundle, Murphy.

Garth, it's Mummy.

Come out, please.

Get stuffed.

Too grand a turn, Wilsby.

Oh, please, I'm sorry.

It's all my fault. I should have told
you I was a coward.

No, in the door!

Open this door now. or I'll go into your
room, rip up all your West Bank

programmes, chuck your computer out the
window and I'll tell your dad about the

dirty magazine I found under your bed.

It was Dad's magazine.

I was only lending it.

Oh.

Garth, can I come in?

Hold on, Mum. Let me just take the blue
movie out of the video.

I was only joking.

Do you mind if I turn it off?

Nah, it's only sky.

So what can I do for you then?

Do you want to borrow another deaf
leopard tape?

We've been thinking.

We? Me and your auntie Sharon.

Oh, she can think, can she?

But I suppose she has to take her mouth
out of gear first.

Do you want to flick here?

That's all right, Mum, I've already
eaten.

Anyway, we've been thinking, and I
really think that you should go back to

school.

Oh, I am going back to school.

Lay it in comprehensive.

No, not lay it in comprehensive. Fix.

Yeah, but you said... Look, I know what
I've said, but I've changed me mind.

Nah, it's her, isn't it?

Arnie Hitler.

And that's letting you off lightly. If
your dad was here, he'd give you a right

good idea in flipping my clothes to
shreds. Yeah, if my dad was here, I

have done it.

I know.

Look.

This is from your dad.

I didn't want to show you before because
it's got some, well, quite personal

things in it.

I want you to read that bit there.

I want the boy to stay at public school,
pass his exams and get some

qualifications so he don't have to take
to crime.

He wouldn't want me to stay at Fisk if
he knew what he was really like.

I've been banged up too.

Look, I know it's hard, love, but you're
making a guy at Fisk to help your dad

do his bird.

I mean, if we got up there tomorrow and
tell him you're doing a runner...

It'll be like ashes in his mouth.

Well, I've said me piece.

It's down to you now, Garfield.

What, you really reckon it means that
much to him? Well, you can ask him

yourself tomorrow.

All right.

I'll turn myself in.

If anybody tries to bully me, I'll tell
them my dad's a big -time villain and

he'll get his lads down here to
rearrange their faces.

Yeah, I'm all for the subtle approach.

Good night, love.

Yeah, good night, Mum.

It'll be all right. Yeah.

Good night, Mum.

Well? He's going to go back and do his
time.

Oh, great.

My speech any help?

Yeah, I think the bit about the ashes in
the mass swung it. I knew it would.

Works in war and remembrance of Robert
Mitchum.

Do you have to have that crap on?

The ground results are coming up in a
minute.

I don't believe it.

What? I do not believe it.

Of course you don't believe it. It's in
the tongue.

No. I mean, Bretton Woods is under the
30 in the 245 at Wincanton.

So? So, he'll walk it.

And he'll come last.

The other horses will be running.

You should volunteer for the prison
panto.

There's the back end of the cow.

Well, there's got to be a way to get a
bet on in this rat hole.

Look, I'm trying to read Tracy's letter,
all right? And it's hard enough.

It's hard enough without you rabbiting
on and on.

Well, you're going to be seeing her this
afternoon.

There are things in this letter I know
she won't say in a room full of people.

Oh, a bit naughty, is it? Here, can I
borrow it tonight?

You are barfed.

You still ain't told Garfield where I
am.

Starts both for the best, really.

He wants me to go off with him, you see,
and I do love him. He excites me.

My husband's always been good to me in
our little girl. I really like my

husband.

But you don't love him?

He's away so much, you see, in the Navy.
We don't see him for months sometimes,

and now I'm pregnant again.

I think it's really brave of Fergie to
ring up.

A wife of a serviceman, or a man whose
work takes him away for long stretches.

Yeah, like the 12 stretch.

Shut it.

And I'm not getting any younger, you
see.

They're all the same, women.

She won't wait, neither will our two.

Mind you, Sharon, clear enough, don't
cause me no grief.

Tracy's never looked at another fella.

Well, no.

Not if you're around. Of course not.

But you're in here.

She's out there.

Contracted woman, 32, just coming to her
sexual peak with that rat bag of a wife

of mine to lead her astray. Shut up,
Chris.

Yeah, I've got to face facts, Del.

They all get itchy knickers sooner or
later.

Not my Tracy.

And we all wish Jane of Egham the best
of luck. Now, after the news and sport,

we'll be back with Tracy from Essex.

Oh, it didn't take that long, did it?

I'm sure you're a boy in, Mum.

It's a nicer area than Brixton, though.

And it's easier to park. Oh, that'll be
a great comfort to the boys, that will.

Hello. Hello.

What time did he let us in?

About one.

Oh.

First time here, is it? Yeah.

Our Kevin's on remand.

Gone through a fight in a pub one night
and forgot he had a glass in his hand.

How unfortunate.

Excuse me, there's something dripping
out the bottom of your bag.

Oh, no.

That'll be our Kevin's artist role.

It's his favourite. I wrapped it in
newspaper.

I can't bring food in here.

What? Ah, they've changed the roles.

You used to be a lad, but you can't
anymore on account of all the drugs and

everything. Can't get high on Arctic
roll.

No, I mean... I've only got my giant
Yorkie bar.

Saved a cherry Genoa.

Some instant whip.

Hey.

Some tins of draft Guinness. I love
draft Guinness. That's what he was

that night.

What are we going to do with it all?

Well, I ain't eating yet.

It's a lovely day for a picnic.

Where's Morning?

I hope you don't smoke. Your dad'll
break your neck.

Well, that'll help him get parole.

Perry, Matlock, Peake, Haynes, Waller
and Dudley.

Here, hang on, hang on.

What about us?

Well, who are you then?

You got your visiting orders for today,
have you?

No, we're Japanese tourists.

We're not on my list.

Hang a bat.

We've come all the way from Liverpool.

Liverpool? Yeah, Liverpool.

Well, it looks like you've had a wasted
journey, filler.

What?

Prisoner 1296521 Stubbs is on rule 47.

Well, what's that in English?

It means he's on punishment for doing
gross personal violence to a fellow

prisoner.

Aren't you calling me a liar?

No. But what happened?

This is Her Majesty's prison, not the
Daily Telegraph information service.

Oh.

Gordon Bennett.

Here we go.

The old waterworks.

Oi, don't talk to my mum like that.

All right.

All right.

Hold on.

I don't understand it, Shell.

Daryl's not a violent bloke.

Well, he is in for armed robbery.

Oh, he's got a lovely nature.

Some Toreg. Some piece of filth must
have provoked him.

What happened?

Seems he got involved in a nasty punch
-up in the dinner queue.

What? Yeah, got into a heated debate
about the sanctity of marriage.

Aye? Yeah, this other concert you'd be
shafted all comers by Christmas.

And then Bishbosh... One in solitary,
one in plaster.

So what about Markery? He's still, mate.
Was he involved?

Oh, yes.

He was in the thick of it.

Trust him. Lad's a rat.

What was he thinking up for me?

Not exactly.

Dear Sharon, I'm sorry I couldn't see
you today, but me and Darren...