All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s01e01 Nicked.eng

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you?

What will I do?

I can't read, so I don't know what his
seven months there is.

I see you're tidied up, then. I've been
waiting for my trousers.

You took your bloody time, didn't you?

Oh, I could hardly drag myself away.

It was so romantic watching your jeans
wrapping themselves around my knickers.

It took me right back to when a quick
tumble meant more than 20p's worth of

air. Hot air?

You could talk about hot air.

Next time Richard Branson feels like
crossing the Atlantic in that giant

Johnny of his, he could come round here,
you could talk him up.

Right. Do you want a lift for your
sisters, or are you going to stay in the

wallpaper off the wall?

Hang on, hang on. I just did my thing. I
can't wait that long.

My tax desk gets spires at Christmas.

There was 30 quid in here when I went up
the laundrette. No.

Some thieving Turk must have had that
away while you were adding the fabric

conditioner. I didn't take my purse up
to the laundrette, you lying merchant.

That's my shopping money.

I won't bloody offer that, you thieving
ponce.

Do you know how many customers I had to
shortchange to scrape that 30 quid

together?

I was going to put it on one of your
three -legged horses, was you?

What I do with my money is down to me.

Parasite? You're supposed to be the
breadwinner here. Instead, you're

the crumbs off my plate.

What sort of husband are you?

Don't start all that.

At least I didn't marry you under false
pretenses.

Meaning what?

You know.

Say it. What's the point? Go on, say it.
All right.

If I'd known, you couldn't have kids.

Oh, you bastard.

Oh!

You told me to say it.

You're bloody mental.

Hang on, what about me lift?

Oi, get off!

What happened to the BMW?

Swapped it. Through what?

Exchange and prep?

Later this.

More dogs on this floor than down
Battersea.

No, I'm a bit untied, even.

Like the Atlantic Ocean's a bit wide.

Look!

Last time I'll get you a romantic little
surprise.

You've had a bird in here, haven't you?
Leave it out.

I only picked it up last night.

The car, I mean.

Well, you've got to be doing it with
someone.

Cos we ain't had anything for Christmas.

Then you kept calling me Sonia. You were
so pissed.

I had no reason of doing.

But then why should I expect any
different?

You're a lousy provider.

Why should you be any better in bed?

I might be if you lost a couple of
stone.

You can make a start by cutting your
tongue out.

If only I'd married someone like Meryl.

My sister wants for nothing.

Three quarters of a million that new
house cost.

Indoor pool.

Her swimming costume cost more than my
entire wardrobe.

Your swimming costume is bigger than her
entire wardrobe.

Blimey, is that the time? They'll be off
in a minute.

insurance.

What time is it, Trace?

What's happened to your new golden
platinum Rolex diver's watch, as worn by

Ballesteros, Frederick Forsyth, and...

What?

That's a five grand watch.

No, it ain't. It's a 50 quid copy I
bought off Chris.

Oh, you ought to know binary's moody
stuff's always rubbish.

I know, but he was a bit short and he
won't take a handout.

We are talking about the same Chris
here.

What my sister sees in him.

Yeah, well.

So what time is it anyway?

It's nearly one o 'clock. That's
assuming this watch you got me for my

is a real car.

I think I'd have a stint when it comes
to you, babe.

Look at our palace.

The pool.

The cars.

All for you and Garthy.

Why do you think I work all the hours
God sends?

Oh, I know. I'm really lucky to have
you.

You haven't yet.

But I think I'll squeeze you in.

Oh, well.

Don't warm me up.

Not here.

Why not?

Look, this is.

We're detached now.

There is one thing I'd really like.

Me too, but I'm not making much
progress.

Follow Eastern Paradise Cruise, calling
at Bali, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Singapore,

Bora Bora and Sydney.

Dunno. I don't really fancy all that
Bora Bora nosh.

No? Nah.

It's a great idea, Cruz.

After all, it's weeks since we went on
that safari.

So shall I book it?

Yeah, cool.

Oh, I really love you.

Come on, then. One for the road.

Stop me!

The first time your brother -in -law's
been on time in his life!

What a gorgeous house.

A bit flesh.

That's rich.

Coming from the owner of a white Zephyr
with tiger skin seats and more aerials

on it than the Russian embassy.

They've changed their cars again too.

He mustn't have erected a lot of
conservatories.

He would I was getting to take you on
full time.

I've got my own business.

Oh, yeah.

Self -employed minicab driver and
walking bookie's Christmas boner.

Get you out of bed, did we?

We was poor side.

Oh, pardon me for breathing.

She might. I won't.

Beautiful, Trace.

It's like Summit at Santa Barbara.

Well, you can come in, you know. There's
no charge on a weekday.

Apart from a guided tour, we've got to
be a new Paul Pagnol one.

Well, don't be late home, because we've
got you a nice fillet steak for you to

see. You take your time, Daryl. I'll
make sure your steak goes to a good

She's been living in her dreams. She's
been living in her car. She's been

in a plastic bubble.

She's been living way beneath, but she
thought her life would be bad now.

Lying.

Oh, yeah, the cross was big. It was all
right for a semi, but we was overlooked

by the neighbours.

Better than being overlooked by the
council.

I ain't had hot water for three weeks.

Well, maybe if you paid your rent.

Oh, don't you start.

You forget what a struggle life is for
Chris and me.

I mean, it's all right for Daryl, isn't
it?

He's got a booming business.

Six directors and a full -time
accountant.

But what does Chris earn?

I don't know. What does he earn? Feet?

Sovereign.

Search me.

It'll be easier to find out the Pope's
inside leg measurement.

Then when he does have money, he spends
it on sick animals.

Don't suppose you could get Daryl to
take him on...

Full -time, could you? Oh, no, show. I
never interfere in Daryl's business.

But I know he don't need no full -time
drivers.

Only when he goes on these long hauls.

Anyway, it's enough of the boys.

If it's girls, they out.

Got some lovely leather trousers in at
Skinner Bronsford.

I can't afford leather trousers.

Me purse is plastic.

And it's empty.

That cat, I nicked me spending money.
Again?

Here, treat yourself.

No. Go on. It's only 50 quid. Go on.

I don't like to play charity, Chafee.

I've got my principles.

Hello, my name's Dorian Green. I live
next door. Can you help me? I'm in the

middle of a terrible crisis.

So, I came back from shopping to find
the entire ground floor under three

of foam.

What, you've had the fire brigade round?

No, the carpet cleaners came a day early
and the stupid au pair let them in.

I told Marcus we shouldn't have a
German, but he said live and let live.

I had all the girls coming over for
coffee this afternoon. What am I going

do? I can't make them all sit in the
kitchen.

Of course not. I bet he's hardly bigger
than a tennis court eye.

I'll get one, Sal.

I'm not one to interfere.

And God knows cleaners are hard to find.

But if mine spoke to me like that,
Sharon's my sister.

Really?

You've decorated beautifully.

Thank you.

Oh, is this your son?

Garth, he's a white fisk. That's a
public school.

Oh, public school.

Well, we want him to learn to talk
proper.

Naturally. So, how are you settling in
in our exclusive little enclave?

What? Ryan Close.

Oh, you mean Ryan's here.

Oh, it's lovely.

Bit quiet, mind. Yeah.

People do keep themselves to themselves.

I've just had the most wonderful idea.

I was going to have a little get
-together for a few friends later before

disaster with the deep pile.

What are you up to this afternoon?

Well, we was going shopping.

Kettle's on.

Tea, coffee or pot noodle?

Even better, because actually, my coffee
afternoon was going to be in the nature

of a product party.

What?

It's a way of viewing and buying high
-quality merchandise at wholesale prices

in the comfort and privacy of your own
home without any high -pressure

salesmanship. Say you'll do it, you'll
be saving my life.

No.

That's, uh, sort of like a tap -a -wear
party, then, eh?

I like to think it's a tit -up market
from plastic boxes for leftovers, dear.

to put me in me place, innit?

And Tracy, the party hostess gets a 15 %
commission and all she has to do is

supply the nibbles and the drinkies.

You could easily pick up 40 or 50
pounds. Pin money.

Thank you, Dorian, but I don't need pin
money.

Oh, I do.

I'll be your hostess.

Thank you, dear, but I don't think my
friends want to slap out to a council

in a tower block where the lift doesn't
work and your cabriolet gets vandalised

while you're still in it.

You've been telling her where I live.

Just a lucky guess.

Why am I doing this?

I don't want Tupperware. I don't need
Tupperware.

I don't even like Tupperware.

It ain't Tupperware, Trace. What?

I've just seen that door and I'm packing
her gear.

And no way is it Tupperware.

Oh well, they're stomach.

What is it then?

Perfume? Jewellery?

Look.

I ain't got a, you know.

I would. I thought it'd make Chris pay
any attention.

Mind you, anyone notice me in bed if I
had a picture of Gary Lineker tattooed

me bum?

I just don't want this stuff in my hair.

Oh, there, nothing.

Everything else in the front room needs
batteries.

Don't worry, I'm going to tell her to
sling her a rock.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Action stations.

Oh, I am pimpy.

I really am.

Just a big space.

Go on, what's the damage?

Damage? These are perfect goods.

I mean, how much did it cost?

£75.

Blimey. You must have it. It's so you.

Nothing that costs £75 is so me.

It's money well spent, darling. It'll
put the magic back in your marriage.

I think Paul Daniels could put the magic
back in his mind.

Look at, I'm all about you, Troy.

You've got the figure for me.

He said, knock your damn socks off if he
come home and see you in this.

Our marriage doesn't need artificial
age, thank you very much.

I thought you said you'd been married
for 14 years.

I have.

Childhood sweethearts they were.

Met in Woodbury Down, comprehensive in
detention.

She's never been out with another bloke.

Let alone slept with one.

Do you mind, Matthew?

No, it's sweet.

I was the same.

I met my husband on a kibbutz when I was
18.

We were engaged for three years and I
was still a virgin when I got married.

Good for you. It was only later I
started going out with other men.

You mean you're two -timing?

Absolutely not. I'm utterly faithful to
Luke.

Thought your old man's name was Marcus.

He is.

But Marcus and I haven't had a physical
relationship since October 1987.

No, it was the stock market crash, you
see. It rendered him impotent.

And though the FT index has staged a
remarkable upturn since then, Marcus

hasn't.

Who is this Luke, then?

Sharon? No.

Twenty -three.

He's gorgeous, and he works for
Lundquist Kitchen.

We met when he came round to measure up,
and boy, did he measure up.

Sorry, Dorian, but I think it's all
disgusting.

You con me into having this party, you
bring round all these horrible, smutty

gadgets, and then you talk about
knocking off other fellas.

All right, Tracy, don't be such a prude.

Just because you've got a perfect
marriage and a perfect husband and a

house, don't mean the rest of us poor
also -rans can't have a bit of fun.

Thank you, Sharon.

Though I'd rather it than being called
an also -ran.

Well, I'm sorry if you're offended by my
presence, by my attempt to befriend

you, to introduce you to my social
circle, to ease your way into Tidwell's

society.

If you are so morally far above us, then
I shall pack up my harmless love toys

and vanish from your life as suddenly as
I entered it.

Thank God. What for?

Go on. No, go on.

It was nice meeting you, Sharon.

You might live in a slum, but you do
have a certain grace.

Sorry, it's my fault today and I'm
making a man out of a mowhill. She's got

cream that does that.

I accept your apology, dear.

Look, you must have something to please
this incredible husband of yours. Not

one of the battery -powered items,
obviously.

But how about a camisole?

No, he's got an umbrella.

So, Jo...

what a camisole is, all right?

Oh, it's gorgeous.

Thank you. How much?

Have it on me, dear.

Then you can have it on Daryl.

No,

come on, I've got to pay.

No, please, it's just a manufactured
sample.

Oh, well, if you're sure, then. Of
course.

So you owe me a favour.

Are you going to model it for us then,
Trace?

Do you mind?

This is for my Daryl's eyes only.

What's his eyes got to do with it?

Rick, careful!

Have you caught that white zepper?

Yeah, it's smart.

You're joking, aren't you?

No.

Wasn't it a white zepper that failed to
stop an accident in Bowes Park this

morning? I think we'll have chummy.

Tracy, dear, you know that favour you
said you owed me?

No.

When I gave you the camisole.

Since I showed you the favour, you said
that... Well, let's not sit here.

The thing is, Luke's got two tickets for
Frost at Wembley tonight.

You're a bit old for popcorn,
substantial.

You're as young as the man you feel,
dear.

Oh, now, I like that. That is good,
isn't it good? Anyway, the thing is, I

an alibi to tell Marcus tomorrow. So do
you mind if I say I went to the ballet

with you?

Yeah, I don't mind if it happens.

I thought you went to the ballet with
me, if you want.

With respect, Sharon, it has to be a
plausible alibi.

Yeah?

David, bud.

Yeah? CID.

Can we have a quiet word?

I know I should never let you talk me
into it. Me? What have I done?

It's only the old Bill, isn't it?

Old Bill who?

Lily Lordorian.

Bill? Lily?

I'm completely confused.

What's she talked you into, love?

Don't say nothing without a brief,
Trace.

Don't talk to me about sudden briefs.

Look, it weren't my idea to have this
stupid six -day party. I've got nothing

hide. So who tipped you off, eh?

One of them mates of yours is a grub.
Look, there's nothing illegal about

that go bonk in the night, love.

If I were you, I'd try marriage guidance
first.

Do you mind?

I've got a perfect marriage.

And? I think I'd better be going.

Who are you?

Just a neighbour.

What about you?

I'm her sister.

Ah, so.

You're Sharon Theo... Theo Dollyplops.

it's been for eight years and I can't
still pronounce it.

So what do you want, eh?

Well, there ain't been an accident, has
there?

No, I wouldn't call it an accident.

What's happened?

Well, now, how can we put it, eh?

Oh, I know.

You, um, you want to stock up on these
six days, love?

Because you won't be having any nookie
with your husband again this century.

Oh, well.

Now to run the gauntlet of all them
slags. It can't be that bad.

You try living here.

No, thanks.

Exactly.

Tell you, Trace, hopefully I can take
much more of this.

You go, for the boys.

He could be on remand for ages, but once
he comes to trial and they get off...

Get off?

Get off?

Trace, the law firm shouldn't be in the
car.

There's no way they're going to get off.

Oh, well. Keep smiling.

And you know they're right. It really
does... It does get the wash clean,

even at low temperature.

It's all right, lady.

No need to change the subject on my
account.

I know who you're talking about.

It ain't every day we get an armed
robber on our floor, is it? Yeah.

You normally have to make do with drunks
and wife beaters like your elf.

Where's the money from all these raids?
That's what I'd like to know.

You don't fool us by walking around in
all your cheap clothes from the market.

The sun reckons you must be sitting on
half a million.

And if I was, do you think I'd still be
living in this car, Zee? If you ask me,

it's your fault your Chris turned to
crime.

You what?

He gave me a lift home the night before
he was nicked.

That was nice of him.

Yeah, he'd just got that new Ford
Zephyr.

Anyhow, we got talking... Before or
after?

And he was saying how you couldn't give
him babies.

And what a disgrace that is for a Greek
Cypriot bloke.

He was very upset, and you comforted
him.

Yeah, I tried to cheer him up.

Well, after you finished cheering him
up, you left your knickers in the glove

compartment.

And when stopped, could give no
satisfactory explanation for the

thorn -off shotguns in the boot of the
Ford Zephyr, owned by Mr.

Theodore...

The jury know who I mean.

Finally, we have the matter of the large
accumulator wager placed by Mr.

Stubbs, co -defendant, a bare half an
hour after the security van was raided

outside Mothercare, Newport Packnall.

We have heard how banknotes stolen
during this evil armed robbery were

from the turf accountant's office and
subsequently were found to bear the

fingerprints of...

of the aforementioned individual of
Greek Cypriot extraction.

Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
as you retire to consider your verdict.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have
you reached a verdict?

Yes. Is it the verdict of you all?

Yes. How do you find the defendants,
guilty or not guilty?

Guilty. Oh, no.

Daryl Kevin Stubbs and Christopher
Theodore.

Dr. Theodore got a lot of this, you
stupid old fart.

You are in contempt of court.

Big deal. I'm there for a tense stretch
anyway, am I not?

I sentence you both to serve 12 years
imprisonment.

Take them down.

Afraid they'll hear often in your most
exclusively homosexual atmosphere of

average top security crew.

You dare all?

Wait for me, Tracy.

Wait for me at all, Sharon.

What? You bloody joke.

Let us see him, you callous sod.

I'm sorry, madam, but the charcoal
leaves are funky brixton in five

time. You wouldn't want them to miss
their tea, would you?

It's spanned this afternoon.

Come to think of it, it's spanned most
afternoons.

I tell you what, get yourselves round to
the tradesman's entrance.

Maybe you can give him a wave goodbye.

What do you think he saw me?

I don't know, Trace.

Those windows are just slits, aren't
they?

Oh, I'm sure I saw him waving.

Yeah, of course you did.

Come on, let's go, eh?

What am I going to do, Shell? I'm
gutted.

It's like being widowed.

It was my whole life.

I haven't let myself think about it till
now.

What's Garth going to do without her
dad?

And the house.

It'll be so big and empty.

I don't even know how to change a plug.

I do.

I'm dreading it, Shell.

I'm dreading going home on my own.

Look, if you like, I'll stay with you
for a bit, eh?

Until you're feeling yourself again.

We'll just pop back to the tip and I'll
excavate a few clothes, all right? You

don't want to come home with me.

You've got your own life to lead, don't
you?

True.

I'd rather leave, John.

Oh! Oh! What?

I let you show, didn't I?

Oh, come on.

And I'm alone with only three of you.

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