Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I...

Yes, bring them over, please. Thank you very much.

Hello?

Would someone please open the door?

Oh, it's you.

I was hoping it was Meals on Wheels.

I put the chain on the door when Tracey goes up.

My nerves are shot to bits ever since.

You got slaughtered on tequila slammers and fell off the bath stool.

I've missed your cruel yet witty banter, doll. But don't worry, you don't have

to show me any consideration. Now I'm... differently abled.

What's going on, Sharon?

Corporate negligence, that's what. A punter spilled a slush puppy on the

bookie's floor and I slipped on it.

Went arid over apex.

I think I broke my coccyx.

But the x -rays were inconclusive.

They couldn't penetrate all the way to the bones, you mean.

So while you've been swanning around on your luxury cruise... It wasn't a

holiday. I've been working my passage.

I bet you have.

I don't call that work.

Giving a couple of readings out of your smutty book.

Still looking on the bright side.

Social services gave me this.

It's been a goth tension.

I don't know how to stretch for the remote anymore.

Still got feeling in your legs, then? Yes!

It's my back I've hurt!

Oh! Why would you do that? Why would you kick someone in a wheelchair?

I'm sorry, I just thought... You are going to get better, aren't you? Fingers

crossed. Would you like a cup of tea?

No. I've got tea coming out of me ear holes.

I'll tell you what you could do, Dor.

Take me for a walk, just up the park.

Had a long trip. I'm tired. Can't you wheel yourself?

Oh, please, doll.

Staring at these foul walls, it's doing my head in.

Put your back into it, doll.

Oh, sorry.

I've left the brake on.

This sauce is going to split if we don't eat it soon.

It's OK.

Sharon's back.

Welcome home, Dawn. Sauce is located.

We went to the park.

Then Dawn took me to Molotov's for a few slammers. And she won't let me pay

either. Oh, this is impossible.

Scrupulous.

Immoral. Oh, save your breath. It's like water off a duck's arse. I knew there

was nothing wrong with you. That's not entirely true.

I did incur a bruised jacksie as I hit the deck.

The wheelchair and the neck brace are to Connor Boss at a 30 grand's worth of

compensation. You took me for a ride.

Strictly speaking, Dore, you took me.

Travis joining us. He's not here. He's off on his gap year.

Tracy's finally let her little soldier off the leash.

Well done, Tracy.

What's he doing? Pony trekking in Patagonia.

Cycling through the Hindu Kush.

Working in a bar in Marbella.

You can't spend your gap year on the Costa del Sol.

I don't see why not. At least everyone speaks English and you get a decent cup

of tea.

You'll have to be quicker off the mark than that dog.

I told you about using that thing at the kitchen table.

And why are you still in that wheelchair?

Because the insurance assessor might come round again.

And Fat Angela says they don't always knock.

Because when she was trying to sue the council over that dodgy curb, which she

claimed gave her a prolapsed disc, the assessor snuck through the kitchen door

while she was doing it with a milkman.

Which surprised me, because she's supposed to be lactose intolerant.

Give me that.

Serves you right if you get caught.

You've got a real problem with disability, you have.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Oh, that big Travis.

He's so reliable.

He has to call or text her every dinner time.

Stretching the apron strings all the way to Spain.

Just finished his bar job and now he's off for his Spanish lessons.

I've forgotten how sore it gets afterwards.

The swelling will go down eventually.

Looks good on you.

Not as good as you do.

I've got the day off tomorrow.

Do you fancy going down the water park?

I'd love to, Travis, but I've got to take the ferry over to Morocco.

It's a work thing.

How long will you be gone?

Hard to say.

Suppose I don't let you go.

Where did you learn that?

Girl guides.

You're hurting me.

Travis, don't start getting all serious on me.

Are you really hurting me?

Look, can't I come with you?

Just for the day, and you can get on with doing whatever a travel rep does.

Didn't your mother say you weren't allowed to leave Marbella?

She doesn't tell me what to do.

Okay, she does, but I don't have to do it.

Part of me roots your door.

Get it yourself.

Have you got any idea where he's gone?

Because he's supposed to call me every day.

Well, as soon as you hear from him, can you tell him to contact his mum?

I haven't heard from Travis for three days.

He's a healthy young man, Tracy, with a young man's appetite.

I know, but he gets his dinner at the bar.

You're getting yourself worked up for no reason, Tracy. No reason?

No -one's heard from him since Friday.

Something's happened to him, I know it has. He could be lying in hospital in a

coma. He's gone to Morocco with his girlfriend.

There you go.

What girlfriend?

Why didn't you tell me he had a girlfriend?

He asked me not to.

He thought you might overreact.

Who is this girlfriend? Where's she from?

She could be from some kidnapping gang.

And they accuse me of having an overactive imagination.

Well, I'm going to have to go out there and look for him, aren't I? Tracy, do

you have any idea how big Morocco is? Of course. Me and Daryl went there once.

It's basically Monte Carlo and a car park.

No, that's Monaco.

Morocco is in North Africa.

Africa? My baby's lost in Africa.

He could get mauled by a lion.

And you knew.

Where's me passport?

What are you possibly doing out there?

You don't even speak Moroccan.

Actually, they speak French. Do they?

Well, you speak French. You're going to have to come with me.

I'm coming and all in.

I ain't missing out on a holiday.

It's not a holiday. I'm going to rescue my son.

He'll turn up, Trace.

Then we'll have a holiday.

I can almost taste the promise of exotic intrigue around every corner.

Desire and sensuality virtually hanging in the air. I can actually feel it

stirring my passion.

Could just be a cystitis comeback.

Morning. Do you speak English?

Yes, of course, madame.

Reservation for staff.

We've got room for three people sharing.

What?

It's a double bed and a single bed, but I'm having a single.

Well, in the hot climate, I always sleep au naturel.

Oh, great.

It's going to be like kipping next to an old leather armchair.

Where is he?

He's hardly going to be in the first place you look, Tracy.

Not Travis, the bloke from the embassy. I've emailed him. He said he'd be here.

There's one way to find out.

Is there anyone here from the British embassy?

Mrs Stubbs.

That's me.

I'm her sister.

And I'm... Our diplomatic bag.

Dorian Green, a .k .a. Foxy Cohen.

Perhaps he's read my... Are you from the embassy?

From the consulate, actually.

Rupert Julian Jones.

I've often wondered, what is the difference between an embassy and a

Well, one's mental, are you?

Never mind all that. Have you met my Travis?

Has he had an accident?

Something's happened to him. I know it has.

To be honest, we haven't the least idea of your son's whereabouts. So there's

nothing you can do to help us?

Well, Morocco is a very large country, and I have a very small staff.

Don't look so disappointed, doll.

If you can't help us, then we'll just have to go and find him ourselves.

Well, please do be careful. This isn't Romford.

There are a lot of desperate characters out here, and things can get very

violent very suddenly.

Have you been to Romford?

Travis in there.

Where's Dorian?

Doing what she does best.

Does she ever give it a rest?

She's frightened it'll seize up.

Well? Well what?

Has he seen my Travis?

Ah, sorry. Forgot to ask. Hold on.

They've got really good knock -offs, Trace. Look.

Channel. Mock Shino.

Dolce and banana.

My son is hovering between life and death and all you can think about is

shopping. Give me it.

Give...

I think he's gone. Thank God.

His heels aren't made for running.

Maybe they'll remember Travis in here.

I don't think I can face another bar trade.

First time I've ever heard you say that.

D 'oh. Do your French.

Excusez -moi, monsieur.

Mais vous avez...

Of all the bars in all the world, I had to walk into yours.

You know, people always said it when they come in here.

I've got no idea why.

I never said it was culture.

Well, it is a turn -up, isn't it? Trace, that's trick.

Never mind all that.

I've still got the needle with you for defiling Daryl's funeral.

Yeah, well, I was led astray.

It wasn't my idea to have it off in the back of a hearse. Was it, then?

Guilty, me lad.

Yeah. Did you ever find your knickers?

It was a funeral.

You're a filthy animal.

I tell you what, let me get everyone a drink on the house. Come and sit down.

Samir, four house cocktails.

We don't have a house cocktail.

Yeah, well, use your imagination.

So, why are you hiding away in Tangier?

Find you had a starring role on Crimewatch.

Oh, do me a favour. I just fancied dialling the pace down a little bit. You

know, I keep myself busy.

Bit of this, bit of that. Bit of the other.

So don't you do anything kosher?

Well, apart from her, of course.

Are you on the holidays?

Yeah. No.

We're looking for my Travis.

Who's Travis?

My son.

He's gone AWOL over here somewhere.

Remind me again what he looks like.

Samir, you recognise him? He would have been here in the last few days.

It's possible. I'll check the CCTV.

Oh, please, God, he's on there.

Make yourself an estate, Chase.

It'll be fine. I know it.

Do you think Samir's got a girlfriend?

I think I may have found something.

Is that him?

Might be.

Can you rewind it a bit, please?

Wait again, Sam.

Oh, that's great.

What?

Humphrey Bogart. Ingrid Bergman.

You must have heard of Casablanca.

Yeah, of course I have.

I go there every week.

It's the only place I can get my baked beans.

It is him.

It is my Travis.

Who beers?

Oh, they do baked beans.

I've really missed baked beans.

We haven't got time to eat.

Well, there's another one in the morning. Are you trying to get rid of

but I've got to be this minute.

Police! What?

Nobody move! Stop!

Stop! Leave him!

Stop! Stop!

What are

you

doing?

Please, stop!

Oh, my God.

He must be banged up.

Why am I not surprised?

I thought you said you'd know if Travis had been arrested.

Well, I'm dreadfully sorry, Mr Stubbs, but we've been severely understaffed

since Brexit.

Boris has got most of my people negotiating yak milk quotas without a

Well, they can't keep him inside just because they had a dirty old jug on him.

Well, they can when the jug in question is part of a collection stolen from the

National Museum.

And when your son's brought in, you won't be allowed any physical contact.

Oh, don't worry.

I know the form.

Right, Mum.

Shut this.

Hey!

That's for not staying in Marbella.

I did say no physical contact. Yeah, well, I thought you meant hugging.

Are they treating you OK, love?

Compared to you, yeah.

Who's he? A lawyer.

Rupert Julian Jones from the British Consulate. We're doing everything we

Which so far amounts to sweet Benny Adams.

But I didn't do anything.

I've never seen that old jug before in my life.

It wasn't even my bag.

Angelina must have... No, Angelina? Some girl we've got mixed up with.

Well, do you know where we can find her?

She's a travel rep.

She could be anywhere.

Do you know anything that could help your keg?

I know you, Travis.

You're holding something back.

I'm not?

Honey?

Could you give us a minute, please, Rupert?

Right, you're hiding something. What is it?

You promise you won't get angry? No, tell me first, then I'll decide if I get

angry.

I've had a tattoo.

Another one?

You promised me you'd never get tattooed again.

I bet this Angelina's put you up to it. Haven't I always told you, never to let

a woman tell you what to do?

Listen to yourself, love. This is why I don't want to say anything in front of

that Rupert Postbroke.

Well, come on then, show me.

Not in front of him.

Why? Where is it?

Not on your... This is done. This is in terms of net, I'm afraid.

Bonham. Don't worry.

I'll have you out of here before you know it.

Well, I hate to pry, but it's vital I know everything if I'm to assist.

What did he tell you?

It's personal, all right?

Hello. Who are you? I'm the insurance assessor, acting on behalf

of Mrs Theodopoulopoulos' employer, Mr Arboretum.

And? I need to speak with her.

The underwriters require a great deal more clarification about the

of her unfortunate tumble.

Sorry, she's not here.

I find that surprising.

Seeing she claimed that the simple act of drawing breath was the equivalent of

having 100 red -hot pokers driven into her bruised and broken body.

Well, this is it. What is what? The agonising pain is the reason why she's

to Lourdes.

But surely the cricket season's long over.

Lourdes in France.

Westpick people go for a miracle cure.

I see.

When might you be expecting her back?

She didn't say.

Then would you get in touch with her and tell her I'll be back the same time

tomorrow? And unless she's been granted her miracle, she'd better be here.

Aunty Shell, we've got a problem.

helping me to track down this Angelina. Just having a quick one, Trace.

I hope one of those is for Dorian. No.

I've got the bog off.

Hurry up.

Well, don't rush me.

This is one of my five a day.

Anyway, I thought the police were already out looking for Angelina. I want

get my hands on her first.

Why? Because she made my Travis have a tattoo on his...

You know where.

Where? You know.

Ooh.

Hello?

Angelina?

No, of course my Travis isn't okay.

He's rotting in some Moroccan prison, thanks to you.

Hold on. Pen.

Pen, hang on.

Come on. Here, here.

Okay.

Come on, door.

Here we go. Have you Omar Hakimi?

Oh, and here's number 24.

Looks a bit rough.

Look who's talking.

Perhaps I'd better wait outside.

Oh, why?

We need you to parlez -vous the lingo.

Angelina! I don't like this, Tracey.

It's a bit minimalist for my taste.

Don't do that!

I've just had a thought.

If Angelina wanted to talk to you, why didn't she just come to our hotel?

Because she's on the run!

Fair point.

I've had a thought.

How did she get your mobile number?

You know what?

This could be a trap.

It's obvious who's behind this.

Vince. He's got my Travis mixed up in his antics racket and he doesn't want us

poking our noses.

Why are you assuming that Vince is involved?

Because he's dodgy.

So are you.

Granted, I'm a bit dodgy, but he's well dodgy.

Just because he's all bit of rough doesn't mean he's not in it up to his

I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't knock us off. And not in a way you'd

I can't breathe. We've got to open a window.

I can't take this much longer.

Slap her, Trace. Slap her hard.

I'm not hysterical. No, but you're getting on my swippenies.

There's still no signal.

How are you getting on with that tunnel?

How do you think I'm getting on with a tunnel trace?

I've only got a nail file.

That bloke in Shawshank Redemption dug a tunnel with a tiny, tiny little hammer.

It took him 25 years.

Oh, and it's all the end.

Oh!

Oh, my God, he's going to plug us into the maze.

Don't make hats like the first time.

I have to show you something.

Used by October 1989.

It may be out of date. I've never had to repel a man before.

And we shall know.

Don't mention it.

But she's talking

dirty again.

It was nothing.

I'm just a lonely civil servant doing his duty.

Oh, you're too modest.

Has anyone ever told you you look a little like Tom Hiddleston?

How did you find us, though?

Well, the local police traced the taxi driver.

They think he was kidnapped because the smugglers think Travis knows a lot more

than he's saying.

Mrs. Stubbs, Tracy, whatever he told you, I need to know. For his sake.

All right.

I don't see how it can help, though.

He's had a tattoo.

A tattoo?

Yeah. I can't believe it. He'll be starved for life. I don't care about his

stupid tattoo.

Now, he must have said something else about the antiquities, where they're

hidden. Who else knows?

You want to find that Angelina.

Is there what tricks us into going into the ass?

Oh, no, my sunglasses have just blown out the window. You must stop the car,

Rupert. They're Valentino. They cost an absolute fortune.

Dorian, what do you think you're doing?

Did you notice? how irate Rupert became, when all you could tell him was, Travis

has a new tattoo.

Maybe he's got a teenage son.

Or maybe he's the criminal mastermind.

You're barking at the wrong wrong -and -or. Trust me, Rink is behind all this.

Well, ask me this, then. If Rupert is just a lowly civil servant, how come he

can afford to wear a diamond -encrusted chronometer?

What's a chronometer?

A watch, Tracy.

Well, too late now.

Are we there yet?

Does it look like it?

Look, we should see the casino any minute now.

Casino?

This is a map of Monaco, you dozy mare!

Morocco! Morocco!

Well, that is a simple mistake.

Yeah, simple as the world.

Turn around, doll.

There really isn't any point.

Why not?

We're about to run out of fuel any second.

Hello? Anybody home?

Hello?

That was close.

Thank you. What are you doing in our house?

Who let you in?

Your door was ajar.

I was concerned.

Is Mrs Theodopoulopoulos back from Lourdes?

Yes. But she's in the bath.

I was just scrubbing her back.

Really? Well, would you tell her I need to speak to her?

Now?

Otherwise... All right.

Hold on.

Barbarita and said he needs to see you.

Well, tell him he'll have to wait.

I'm all stiff.

I think he suspects you're not on the level. Then tell him he's a nasty,

suspicious so -and -so and he can't blend it up.

Sorry, she's indisposed.

You must think I was born yesterday.

That was you in there putting on a silly voice.

She's not here at all, is she? Yes, she is.

Poppycock!

Oh!

I'm so very sorry, Mrs Theodopoulos.

Do you make a habit of bursting in on poor, defenceless women in the bath?

She could have had a seizure.

I'm going to have to report this.

Sexual harassment.

Please. It was all a horrible mistake.

I'm under a lot of pressure at work.

I'll recommend full payment of the claim right away if we could just...

Forget this ever happened?

Well, just this once.

Thank you so much.

Cheers, Aunty Vera. You were brilliant.

My pleasure. But tell Sharon I expect a nice treat when her compensation comes

through.

I don't get these puppies out for less than 500 each.

Why don't we call the I .I.? We're in Africa, Tracy.

We'll have to step out on foot.

Good luck with that, girl.

Oh, that's so typical.

Tracy, are you with me?

It's getting dark.

Fine! Stay here, then, and starve.

Oh,

Moody.

What are you doing?

Cooking a lizard. What's it look like? Why?

Breakfast.

If I can get this paper to catch.

They're not even magnifying lenses.

Oh, good point.

Looks like it's your lucky day, Liz.

Go on, off you go.

There.

Now you've wasted all the water.

Well, I was hardly going to drink it after a lizard had been in it, am I?

You weren't going to eat it, were you? You turn your nose up at couscous.

This is different.

I'm starving.

Don't worry about that. We'll probably die of thirst.

Unless Dorian finds help.

No.

She'll be lying out there, a dried -out husk.

Vultures picking at her bleached white bones.

You should never have let her go. No.

She'd be good for eating about now.

It's hot.

Oh, my God. Look.

What? There's a KFC just over there.

Why didn't we see it before?

I'm having a double -bucket family feast all to myself.

Oh, no, Shell. I've lost me purse.

Maybe it's in the car, along with your marbles.

Can't you see that KFC?

No, mate.

Can't think I'm going bonkers.

All right, Trace.

You're just a mirage.

Blink and it'll go.

Has it gone? No.

Blink harder.

Has it gone there?

Yeah. Now I can see a camel.

It's not quite as bonkers, but... It's not a pink one, is it? No, no.

It's more like camel -coloured.

Oh, my God.

Morning, girls.

Oh, there you go.

I'm so happy to see you.

Where did you get the camel from?

Believe it or not, there's a holiday in just the other side of that big sand

dune. They do camel rides.

A hotel?

So why did it take you 12 hours to come back and get us?

Well, I was filthy and sweaty, so I checked into a room and had a delicious

bath. Then I realised I was famished, so I went for dinner in the Omar Sharif

Carvery, where I met a charming man who plied me with cocktails and invited me

back to his suite.

Meanwhile, we've been stuck here getting ready to gnaw on a raw lizard.

I think you're overreacting.

Wow. You girls look like you've been on a wild ride.

I've been on wilder. Stop that.

Don't pretend you don't know exactly what we've been through.

All those pretty boy looks and dimples don't fool me, mate.

It's because of you that my Travis is where he is right now.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

See what I mean?

Blatant. Cheers for letting me use your shower, Vince.

I was really ramp. Yeah, any time.

Come on, Mum. Travis!

Angelina got me released.

After she got you banged up first?

I think I'd like a word with that little madam.

Hi. You?

I'm really sorry I got Travis mixed up in all this.

He shouldn't have gone back for my rucksack, but you brought him up too

Mrs Tubbs.

Well, I did my best.

Now, don't explain how you had a nick turn.

I was going to use it as bait.

You see, I am an undercover and strict recovery agent.

So cool.

I tried to kick him out of it, but once he was arrested, I figured, well, he'd

be safer in jail. Until the villains broke cover. And thanks to you, they

If it isn't Vince, then who is it?

Rupert. I knew it! I knew there was a reason why he was pretending not to

me.

Angelina reckons Rupert's trying to top up his civil service pension by muscling

in on the antiquities racket.

Wait till I get my hands on him.

The important thing is you all get the boat back to Spain as soon as possible.

Why the unseemly haste? I mean, as Sharon says, we're here. We may as well

a holiday.

I'm sure there are sights you're dying to show me, Vince.

I think you've seen them all.

Listen, you're all in danger, as long as Rupert thinks Travis can lead him to

the stolen antiquity. What's all this got to do with Travis?

That's where Angelina's so brilliant, Mum. Turns out my tattoo is really a

I needed a low -tech, hacker -proof method of storing the information, in

anything happened to me.

That's ingenious.

Do you mind if I use that in my new book?

So you disfigured my Travis for life.

Why didn't you just grass Rupert up to the local filth? We don't grass, Trace.

That's in England.

We're in Monaco.

Monaco!

The local police can't touch Rupert. He has diplomatic immunity.

I still don't see how you can draw a whole map on the end of Travis's poor

little... It's on my back.

Thank God.

I fancy Cambodia next.

Don't even think about it. After what you've put me through, you can spend the

rest of your gap year in your room.

My only regret is that I never got to rekindle my romance with Vince.

Never a hearse around when you need one, is there?

Come on.

Let's celebrate our escape.

My treat.

Champagne.

Hold the champagne.

It's just been announced that the ferry is going back to Morocco.

Why?

Mechanical problems.

I don't think so.

You are kidding.

Excuse me.

We're in a bit of a pickle.

Bit of a pickle.

Excusez -moi, mesdames. Mais vous parlez français?

Sorry, pet.

I don't know what you're on about.

What's the problem?

You're English?

Yeah. Newcastle. Just over visiting relatives.

We're having a bit of both, and I was wondering...

This way.

We're clear.

I don't think anybody's following.

Come on, Shroud.

It's a leaf, her pet.

Bloody hell!

We'll have a right good laugh about this when we get back to Chibber, won't we,

Trace?

Trace?

Sure.

Hey, you.

Money. Money.

Money. Money.

Well, you can't stay here. This Rupert geezer is bound to know this is where

you're going to run to.

You've been shopping?

It's a long story.

We need to get you out of here.

One -eyed Mark?

One -eyed Mark.

I hear he's out of rehab.

Who's One -Eyed Mark?

He's a pilot.

Oh, wonderful.

Mon amine.

Where is it the car guy called you about?

You need to get out of Morocco in a hurry.

Can you help him?

But of course.

For 30 ,000 euros.

That's a big statement.

They are free to try easy, Jet.

We don't have that sort of money. Is there another way out of Morocco?

Tunnels? I'm not doing that again.

I'm still picking sand out of my Versace.

Come on, Kampai.

Me? Don't mess about, shall?

That text that came through on the ferry was telling you your compensation had

come through, wasn't it?

How did you know? I can read you like a book.

You've never offered to buy champagne before in your life.

That's 30 ,000 euros. It'll wipe me out. What do you think Rupert's going to do

when he catches up with us?

Do you take debit cards?

Of course.

I hope I get a window seat for this price.

Nothing.

Incorrect pin number.

Really? Sharon!

Oh, I know what I've done.

I've put in Dorian's pin by mistake.

You knew I'd never been to Primark.

Ladies, your plan awaits.

We have a small problem.

My plane is only a four -seater.

So? There's only four of us. And which one of you is the pilot?

Hmm?

Someone will have to stay behind.

Not me.

I just bought the bloody plane.

I'll just have a smoke while you decide.

Very well, I'll stay.

Sorted. Come on.

Sharon.

Look, we can't leave you behind, doll.

It's all of us or none of us. Tracy.

If you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it.

Maybe not today.

Maybe not tomorrow.

But soon.

And for the rest of your life.

Cut the cobbler's door. She only wants to stay here so she can snuggle up to

Dimples there.

and I finally got rid of them.

Why don't we find ourselves a cosy little hideaway until the police deal

Rupert?

I hope Dora's going

to be all right.

Please, Tracy.

This is going to be the most expensive flight I'll ever take.

I'd like to enjoy it.

Not thinking about what that old trollop's getting up to.

And at last, just me and you, Dore. With no uninvited visitors dropping in.

Stay with us this Christmas Eve for our first ever festive visit to Grantchester

next. Sydney and Geordie reunite for a Christmas special.

And who would let Keith Lemon loose in their home? Well, celebrities full of

Christmas spirit, that's who. Through the keyhole, Christmas special follows.

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