Original subtitles

Ace Mix Bumbles here. In two days, it's the parents and pigskins game.

Bulldog players and their parents will team up for flag football.

You'll see screaming, whining, and bad sportsmanship.

And that's just the parents.

Here's a highlight from last year.

He's at the 10, the 9, the 8.

I love this game. It always makes me feel better about my own life.

All right, Bulldogs, after hours of deliberation, I've carefully selected

teams for the parents and the pickings game.

You just threw the maggots on the board, didn't you?

Didn't even open my eyes for it.

Newt, we're on the same team.

Oh, looks like it's you and me, Troy.

Are you playing with your mom? Nah, she's got work, and my dad's still

overseas. So I think I'm going to ask my Uncle Milton.

Oh, is he any good at football?

Well, he spends all day doing computer security for the government, so I doubt

it. Oh, he works with computers.

Interesting. Sawyer, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Did you hear that?

Troy's uncle is a nerd.

So are you guys starting a club?

No. This is my chance to finally beat Troy at something. He beats me at

everything.

But this time, I'm going to win. My dad's really good. He played four years

college. And your dad was all state in football, right?

Yeah, all six years of high school.

Yes, this is the moment I've been waiting for.

Hey, Dixon, we're going to crush you so bad, they'll have to use dental records

to identify your body.

Whoa there.

A little aggressive, don't you think, dude?

Well, maybe you don't like Winner Newt, but you better get used to it. Sawyer,

you, me, game plan, let's bounce.

I like Winter Newt, but I'm also afraid of him.

Sawyer, get out here!

Coming!

So, uh, what about you, Bella? Can I ask your mom?

Football isn't really her thing.

She thinks a quarterback is the change you get back from a soda machine.

I'll probably ask my uncle, too.

Well, I'm really looking forward to this game.

And since I don't have to play, it's going to be me, a food vendor, and a hot

bag of mini donuts.

Maybe two hot bags.

We have got to get that man a girlfriend.

Or at the very least, some vegetables.

Dream life, team life, living life, one of the boys. She got it going, going,

she got it going on.

Gonna play like Friday night, kick it like one of the boys. She got it going,

going, she got it going on.

Mom,

where's your address book? I need Uncle Dad's phone number. Address book?

I'm a modern mom.

It's all in my smartphone.

Where is my smartphone?

I'll get the address book.

Why do you need to talk to Uncle Dale?

I'm going to ask him to play in the parent -kid flag football game.

Hey, I'm your parent.

Why don't you play with me instead?

Oh, I didn't think you'd be interested.

Since you joined the team, I've been getting more into it. I even read the

Moron's Guide to Football.

The name is insulting, but it is very educational.

Come on, quiz me.

Okay.

How many points is a touchdown?

Six. And then you can have one of those kicky guys kick it for a point or one of

those little speedy guys run it in for two.

Okay, you did say kicky guy, but I'll allow it.

So, can I play?

Yeah, let's do this thing.

I just have one thought.

What if we played with the other team instead of against them? That way we'd

win.

Oh, no.

Okay, well, what if every down was first down?

No. What if you got more points for Team Spirit?

Yeah, I'll talk to Coach about that.

So, I was thinking, for the cheer booth at the game, we could sell drumroll.

Your mom's tamales!

First, what kind of drums are those?

And second, my mom would never reveal her recipe.

A, they were clearly bongos.

And B, maybe she will.

That recipe's a closely guarded secret.

Like her age, her real hair color, and what really happened to her hamster.

Hamsters don't just pack up and move away.

Hola.

Just ask her nicely. Try opening with a compliment. E, turn to it.

Mom, your hair looks great.

What'd you put in it?

What do you want?

Actually... Pepper and I love your tamales, and we're hoping you'll share

secret tamale recipe with us.

I'm glad you like my tamales.

So you'll give us the recipe?

No.

Please? We want to make them for a cheer fundraiser, and we swear not to tell

anyone. By the way, did I mention how much I love your shit?

Oh, yeah.

No.

I won't give you my recipe, but I will make them for you.

And it's easier to do with you out of my way.

Really? Thanks, Mom.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Are you sure you don't need any help?

Um, yes, and the answer is no.

I see.

Mr. Huggins, this is my dad, Vance. He played quarterback at Yale. Started all

four years.

Pleasure to meet you, Vance.

Name's Cleveland.

Of course, our old teammates call me Stucky.

Why's that?

Because every pass they threw would stick to my hand.

Wouldn't it make more sense to call you Sticky?

Yeah, but the team already had another Sticky, and you do not want to be Sticky

number two.

Sticky, Stucky, who cares?

Can we just stop with the stories? We need to practice. Easy, Newt. It's just

game.

Sorry. I just really want to beat Troy.

I'm also feeling a lot of pressure. Brent accidentally shrunk my undies.

there, son.

Hey, don't worry.

Troy and his nerd uncle are no match for us.

That's right. Check this out.

Think he can handle a pass from my golden slingshot?

Does a heifer tell points half on a full moon?

That means yes.

Yes, he can.

Oh, man, our team's looking pretty good. Yeah.

Oh, hey, Troy.

Where's your uncle?

Running late.

But it's okay. He doesn't need too much practice. Besides, game's just for fun.

Troy's up to something.

I mean, when has he ever said a game was just for fun?

He always has to win.

Yeah. When we were kids, he refused to play Simon Says unless we called it Troy

Says.

And he never let me be Troy.

Okay, this is slightly different than normal football.

Instead of tackling, you rip off one of these flags.

Other team flags, Mom.

You just tackled yourself.

You'd think in the moron's guide to football, they'd have a section on flag

football.

Morons.

Okay, let's work on your catching. Do you remember how to run a button hook?

course I do.

It is such a cute name.

man or a stack of cannonballs?

I think it's a robot sent from the future.

Uncle Milton, you made it. Here, let me help you with those.

There's good.

Water's over here if you need it.

Thanks, coach.

So, you ready to start practice?

Hey, buddy, I'm sorry. That was work.

I gotta go.

I'll see you at the game tomorrow. I get it. Probably got to stop an evil hacker

from infiltrating the government's firewall, right?

Troy, you make it sound like I work for the CIA.

I just fix computers for the DMV.

Gotcha. The DMV.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, James Bond.

How are we ever going to beat that guy?

My dad's got it covered. He used to be a steer wrestler.

Yeah, but that guy makes a steer look like a chihuahua. You got this covered

right going, Slanky? Seems more like a job for Stucky.

The only thing worse than knowing I'm going to lose to Troy again is knowing

going to have to cut my undies off to use the bathroom.

I'm glad Miss Fitz let us throw the tamales in the school fridge.

They wouldn't be safe at my house with all my brothers.

They wouldn't be safe at my house either.

I eat a lot.

Um, the card isn't working.

Let me try.

of coaching my mom and somehow she got worse.

I feel awful saying this, but she was kind of... Horrible?

Embarrassing? Even worse than new?

My bad. Did I get too real?

No.

Unfortunately, that covers it.

Well, stop worrying.

It's just flag football.

I mean, it's not even a real game.

You're right. I shouldn't be embarrassed. People probably won't make

about it.

Thanks, Troy.

Hey, you're the kid with the mom who tackled herself.

Yeah. Who taught her how to play?

A moron?

No, it was a book. This is more embarrassing than the time I

my science teacher mommy.

You might want to think about moving to Alaska.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Bella.

Are you okay? You zoned out for a minute. I can't let her play.

I have to stop her. Who? My moron. I mean, my mom.

I gotta go.

I gotta remember to stop getting too real.

Hey, Sophie, thanks for bringing these crutches. No problem.

My brothers can find something else to hit each other with.

Why do you need them?

My mom is so embarrassing. The only way to keep her off the field and not hurt

her feelings is to pretend I'm injured.

Okay. So, what's your story? I twisted my ankle in the locker room.

Which ankle?

My right.

That's your left.

And that's why you're a terrible liar.

If you want her to believe it, you have to give her specific details.

Like, how exactly did it happen? Who else was there? Paint her a picture.

Hey, Mom, you're home.

Honey, what happened? Are you all right?

I'm fine. I just twisted my right ankle in the locker room.

It was 3 .32 p .m., and I was walking along, and I slipped on Coach's hot bag

mini donuts.

There was a bear claw and a honey bun. Ooh, and a chocolate glaze. Anyway, she

went to see the school nurse and she said she should lay off of it for a

days. Which means I won't be able to play in the game tomorrow.

Oh, honey, I know how much you were looking forward to that. Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry. I guess that means you won't be able to play either, Mom.

Well, we could have had fun together, but the most important thing is that you

rest it for real football.

Thanks, Mom. Glad you understand.

Tell me if you need anything, honey.

Great job!

No, that's how you lie.

In your face.

No, no, no, no, no.

In your face.

Every time.

Wow, his uncle sure is strong.

What if that's not even his uncle?

I mean, Troy is so competitive, I bet he'd hire a professional athlete to

pretend to be his uncle just to beat us.

Troy would never do that. He's too cheap.

But it does feel awfully convenient.

You know what? If that's really Troy's uncle, he'll have family photos to prove

it. Hey,

Uncle Milton.

Hey. We were planning a prank on Troy and we wanted to know if you had any

embarrassing photos.

Yeah, and if you're in them too, even better.

No, no embarrassing photos.

But... I do have this picture of Troy and me at his fourth birthday party. You

remember, right, Sawyer?

Wait, what?

Oh, you're Uncle Elton. I couldn't say my M's back then. He was so cute.

Oh, really?

Was it cute?

I'm going to urder you.

It was cute.

I'll see you guys at the field tomorrow.

Later, Elton.

Love that guy.

I can't believe you forgot that's his real uncle.

Hey, I was four. I couldn't even remember how to put on my pants.

I wonder if it's too late to propose a trade. My dad for Troy's uncle.

You'd trade away your own father?

To beat Troy? Yeah.

What is this game doing to you?

I don't know.

Hey, Bella, what happened?

It's nothing. It'll be better next week.

You're faking.

No, I'm not.

The subtle indentation in your right arm shows me your weight hasn't been

displaced on your left foot and that you've actually been walking.

Fine. You got me.

Wait, you just made all that up.

Yeah, Sophie told me she was lying, but my version sounded way cooler.

I'm faking because I didn't want to be embarrassed by my mom, so I took us both

out of the equation.

Embarrassing parents. I know what you mean. You think I'm particular?

My dad ironed his workout shirt three times this morning.

Oh, man, I found a crease.

I can't wear this. I'll look like a vagabond.

I know it's annoying, but I don't get to spend a lot of time with him.

Don't worry, Dad. I have a travel iron in my locker.

Yeah.

You think Newt's dad is embarrassing?

Have you seen my dad's shorts?

No. How could you? They're so tiny.

What can you do?

It's not like you can trade him in for a cooler model.

He's my dad.

You're right.

And he's my mom.

All right, Sawyer.

Time to suit up.

Forgive me for this.

I

can't

believe you couldn't find the recipe anywhere.

Trust me, I think this will work.

Okay.

Are you sure this is the best way to grind the corn? If we want to make them

authentic.

Forget authentic.

The game... starts in an hour and we haven't made any tamales we're using a

blender no pepper i don't think that's a good idea i was right

mom you're supposed to be a rafa

more, but we couldn't find your secret recipe.

Why is she laughing? That's usually what happens before she snaps.

You couldn't find my recipe because there is no recipe.

I buy frozen tamales from Coslo Club.

Huh?

But every time you make them, it takes hours, and your face is always covered

cornmeal.

Yes.

I used to make them from scratch before I had 10 kids.

Now I'm way too tired, so I send everyone away.

Homemade tamales are good.

Free time is better.

Wait. This means we can get frozen tamales for the cheer booth.

Mom, you're an evil genius.

I want to grow up to be just like you.

Bella,

you shouldn't be off your crutches. Mom, I'm actually fine.

I lied about being injured because I was embarrassed of you playing.

I'm sorry. I can't believe I did that.

Honey, I know.

Your story was a little too specific.

It was the bear claw, wasn't it?

When I was your age, I was embarrassed of my mom all the time.

Like how she always seemed to find the quietest moment during my dance recital

to do a... So I know how you feel.

I don't have to play.

No, I don't care anymore.

You're my mom. I want you to play.

Oh, no.

I have just become my mom.

It doesn't sound so bad.

Anybody have a napkin?

Never mind.

What are you guys doing?

Anything we can to stop your uncle.

We're playing man -to -man -to -man -to -man -to -man defense.

So so fast.

What just happened?

Man, being on a football field is tough.

Wait, you've never played football before?

Do I look like I play football?

Yeah, 100%. Oh, you mean this?

I just like to keep in shape for my real passion, synchronized swimming.

I didn't invite him because he's good at football.

I invited him because he's fun to hang out with. Plus, dude has a super cool

job. He spends all day fighting cyber terrorists and super hackers.

Troy, for the last time, I don't work for the CIA.

Oh, so you really do work at the DMV?

Can I come down there and help you pick the least flattering photos from

people's licenses?

Of course. That's what we do.

Awesome.

Wow, we totally misjudged them.

Troy cares more about family than women.

And that will be his downfall. Let's take his butt.

to keep talking, or are we going to go play some football?

That's right.

We said we'd button -hook these bozos.

You got it, Mom.

I can't believe you thought I was embarrassing, so where's Dad's weird

Mom, get in here. It's about to start.

Ace McFumble's here.

It's the moment you've all been waiting for.

The Parrots and Pigskins highlight reel.

Don't worry, Mom.

It could have been worse.

And now for my favorite highlight.

See?

Worse.

If I were you, I'd stay home sick tomorrow.

I'll even write you a note.