All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s03e10 New Years

I can't believe it's already New Year's
Eve.

It seems like it was Christmas a week
ago.

Oh, hello.

New Year's Eve is a time to reflect on
the old year that was while looking

forward to the new year that hasn't.
Tonight, let's start with all the things

I'm grateful for.

I'm sure something will come to me.

Okay, well, that was a bust.

Why don't we just focus on the new year?

Ah, me.

Show me your palm.

Okay. Oh, long lifeline. Good for you.

Career thriving.

Uh -oh.

Sex at peak. Look at you. Oh, sorry. I
was reading my own palm.

It's embarrassing. Let's see yours.

I just don't know.

You see, the lifeline is very, like,
stubby. Like, stubby and insignificant.

Like, it doesn't matter in your hand.
Castor Thomas, how's my love line?

To be honest, it's really hard to see
because of all the colors, but... Ooh!

I do see something very exciting in the
near future.

Well, you must mean the At Home With Amy
Sedaris Cookin' New Year's Eve special.

No, this means a new pattern baldness,
but that can't be... Oh, I see it now.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

The At Home with Amy Sedaris Cookin' New
Year's Eve Special.

Brought to you by the local Hamily
Wagleys. The place for all your pork

Balloons, confetti, champagne, balloons.

The biggest stars we could get.

And a countdown to the new year with Amy
Sedaris.

This is the show.

This is part of it. The part with my
voice.

It started already.

And now, the hostess with the
osteoporosis, Amy Sedaris.

Where are the balloons?

Regrets, I've had a few.

Mistakes, I've made a slew. I've been
awful, been vindictive, I've been mean.

But change is tiring, and what New
Year's always means is a dirty slate

that's simply just wiped clean.

This year I'll be younger, I'll be
thinner, find a husband who's a winner.

Save money and come back on drinking
beer.

Stop world hunger, be less dimmer, learn
to cook a chicken dinner.

I just have to wait for the new year.

I just have to wait for the new year.

Welcome to At Home with Amy Sedaris
Cookin' New Year's Eve Special.

Thank you so much for spending this
special night watching our special

Just 23 minutes until New Year's.
Special thanks to Guy Lombardi, our

clocksman, for providing the official
countdown clock.

We'll visit with him a little bit later.
But first, champagne!

A New Year's Eve centerpiece is your
last shot of the year to prove to your

guests you're not a total failure, which
is why I love giant champagne towers.

They are my favorite way to display
piles of alcohol right behind a beer

or a gin stack.

Here to show us how to make one, please
welcome local stemware engineer, Melissa

Jenkins.

Get out here, Melissa.

So good to be with you, Amy. Oh, thank
you so much. You're so young.

No.

I'm not. Oh, okay. Well, please tell us
about yourself.

I studied the art of glass ranging under
the champagne tower theorist Emmanuel

Duplan -Duchamp at the Institut de l
'Académie del Mundo. Why does that sound

familiar to me?

You've probably driven past it. It's
right there on Route 43, next to Fatty's

Menswear. Suits for the stout for your
fat night out. I always found that

to be insensitive.

Well, it sells a lot of suits. Yeah,
okay. So, Melissa, how does one build a

champagne tower?

That's a big question.

Well, all right, it takes a lot of
focus, knowledge of structural

concepts, and this is the most important
part, just an enthusiasm for stacking.

Oh, okay.

Shall we begin construction?

Oh, look, I have a box of champagne
flutes for you.

What? What?

That's very sweet. I'm sorry, I don't
mean to laugh. I don't want you to look

like an idiot.

We don't stack with champagne flutes.
This might sound a little technical, but

the opening is too dinky.

It's dinky. Okay. No, what we use is the
industry standard wide champagne

saucer. Wow, it's so beautiful.

Thank you.

You want to make sure that they're
parallel and that there's a slight kiss

on the lips of the glasses.

Well, yeah, it's kissing for sure.

It takes a very steady hand.

Oh, my goodness. It's like magic.

Would you like to see what the finished
product looks like? Oh, I'd love to.

Wow, look at that tower.

There you have it. I'll give you the
honor of pouring the champagne.

Well, how do you get up there?

I hope the amount will suffice. How many
guests are you expecting?

Three. I

think this

amount will suffice. Oh, okay.

Now all we need is the champagne.

Yoo -hoo!

Did someone say champagne?

Oh, it's Ronnie Vino, our regional wine
lady with our champagne.

What do you have for us, Ronnie? Well, I
gotta make this quick. I'm ringing in

the news. you're at the Research
Triangle Square.

I got six tons of loose confetti
squeezed into my van.

I got you a bottle of swine wine hand
pain.

Now, the sea is silent because it's a
port -based sparkling wine.

The vineyard sits on a swamp. It's like
a bubbly barbecue.

Once you taste it, you go hug wild.

Gotta go.

It's New Year's Eve, and I gotta leave.
Going drinking with Steve.

I'm gonna be late on next year. Toodle
-oo!

So, let's get the ladder.

You want the ladder? Yeah, let's do it
the right way.

All right. Okay.

Oh, there it is. Okay. Here we go. Here
we go.

Exciting.

Wow. Okay.

You all right?

Okay. I can't get the... Nice

catch.

With pleasure.

Melissa, you know, if we don't do
anything later, there's a spare glass

available. Why don't you come by the
party?

I'd love to, Amy, but I have to catch an
1158 bus.

Perhaps another year.

I hope so.

Okay, bye.

Here's Eve. There is no better time to
gather with your closest friends to

reflect on your favorite moments from
the past year. This is my good friend,

Chassie Tucker.

Hi, Chassie.

Thanks for spending New Year's with me.
Oh, Amy, I couldn't imagine being

anywhere else.

For specials, we get time and a half,
right? I'll look into it.

Now, we've asked you, the audience, to
pick your top three favorite moments

Chassie and me from this past year.

Let's take a look at what you chose.

Happy birthday, Amy.

Chassie, that's so thoughtful.

That's what good friends do.

Oh, there's no I in my name.

You know what?

You are so wrapped up in your own little
world that you are completely blind to

the fact that everyone here caters to
you.

Well, if you wanted to know how to spell
my name, you could have looked at any

of the checks that you get from this
show.

Oh, you bitch!

for the second most favorite clip.

So, what are we making today, Amy?
Denver omelet.

Denver? Mm -hmm. After what happened to
me in Colorado?

You bitch!

And the number one scene you picked
between me and Chassie from last year

You will never work in the local
homemaking industry again! You're...

I apologize.

Boy,

Chassie Tucker, we sure have been
through an awful lot, haven't we? Oh,

But even after all the ups and downs, I
still love you.

Right. Should we do the song now? Let's
do the song.

Tonight's duet is sponsored by Hamily
Wagily Grocery Stores. At Hamily Wagily,

your family.

Say... so long to last years glories and
troubles another year

has come to an end pour champagne with

extra bubbles I'll give a toast to my
remarkable friend

hello new year would you bring me

how about a hot dog for this ravenous
gal

That hot dog comes from Hamily -wag
-thes Can't wait to share it with my

tubby old pal Say so long to last year's
glories and troubles

Amy Sedaris Cookin' New Year's Eve
special.

Stay tuned for the 28th biannual New
Year's After Eve Spectacular, pre -taped

live from Research Triangle Square.

Sponsored by The Pork Right.

If you're not doing it right, you're
doing it wrong.

The other pork guys.

The After Eve Spectacular will be hosted
by celebrity contortionist Archie

Ragsdale. with musical performances by
the Mung Sisters, the Pigeon River Jug

Quartet, an original poem by Becky
Brote, and special celebrity guest

Streisand. My wish for your New Year's
is to live.

My father was a scholar.

And it wouldn't be New Year's Eve
without the Big Nut Drop. So tune in to

28th biannual New Year's After Eve
Roaring Spectacular, pre -taped live

Research Triangle Square, and relive New
Year's Eve.

All over again.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

But we're in the middle of our show and
we have... 13 minutes.

13 minutes till the nut drop happening
in downtown Research Triangle Square.

Just pass the bus stop.

big countdown tonight we're making a
classic new year's dish that sends a

message of prosperity and good luck to
help us prepare it please welcome my

friend and neighbor patty hogg you are
welcome amy lou i didn't say thank you

yet apology accepted okay so tell me
what we're making today we're not making

anything i'm making my great great great
-grandfather's New Year's Eve recipe

that's been in our family since the
Louisiana Purchase. And just like my

-great -great -grandmother's musketoon
rifle, nobody outside the Hog family is

to lay a finger on it. Okay, just
consider me an owl. I'll just observe.

Mm -hmm, that you will.

Now, according to the Southern
tradition, this dish will bring

that consume it. The ingredients are as
such.

A black -eyed pea medley and mustard
green soup flavored with the Hog family

hock. Now, this...

Thigh bone has been passed down in my
family for generations, since before the

great struggle. After soaking your beans
and blanching your greens, you're going

to combine them in this here pot.

Now you're going to add an onion, whole,
some horse carrots, I prefer

Clydesdale, then toss in the family ham
hock for flavor. Now, you're going to

let that hock do all the heavy lifting.
You're going to bring it to a bowl, then

simmer it down, pour it in a jello mold,
and chill overnight.

Serves well.

Oh, okay.

Teddy hog, everyone.

I'm going to need that ham hock back.

You've got to get your own ham hock.
Your own tradition. That's what makes me

and you you.

I've said too much. Actually, I haven't
said enough.

Be careful. It's slippery out there.

Why don't we check in with our clock
counter downer?

our terrific countdown clock, we've got
owner and master clocksman from the

local clock shop, Clack -A -Doodle -Doo,
on Curry Tuck Drive, Guy Lombardi.

Oh, how close are we, Guy?

Uh, we're close.

Can you be more specific?

Just this far.

Oh. Now, Guy, I must say, this is a big
clock.

Well, all the Lombardi boys are known
for their huge clocks.

I wish we could say the same for our
penises.

Speaking of which, how's your wife,
Joan?

Oh, my dearest Joan.

She's on life support now.

Soon I'll have no choice but to pull the
plug.

Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

There are the rest of the balloons.

I'm sorry, Guy. What were you saying
about Joan?

Pulling the plug.

I mean, I'm doing the right thing,
right? I don't know. That's really a

you're going to have to make off the
air.

I mean, to be honest, Joan left us
months ago. She's barely more than a

furniture at this point.

But I made a promise that she'd see the
new year.

So that's what we're doing.

Not that she'll know the difference.

Yeah, well, Guy, thank you so much for
the time update.

Insurance is a goddamn mess. At one
point, we talked about donating her

but I just couldn't.

It's the idea of her being chopped up
for parts.

Is that all a life amounts to, just
boxes of stuff and your organs doled out

like candies?

All that will be left is this clock.

I made it for Joan on our wedding night.

Soon it'll be all I have to remember her
by.

So I'll stand here and count down the
minutes, bringing the new year I'll have

to face alone.

Do you have any New Year's resolutions?

I'd like to travel more.

Guy Lombardi, everyone.

When we return.

More celebration.

We have an old New Year's Eve tradition
around here we've never tried before.

A New Year's Eve square dance led by
Chuck Ducey and the Fiddlestick.

to help us ring in the new year please
welcome the research triangle square

dancers welcome john oh thank you amy so
why don't you tell us a little bit

about square dancing well as far as i'm
concerned square dancing is america's

national pastime now to be honest when
speaking in terms of the dictate and do

dance genre i'd say square dancing is
safe at the top what about the hokey

god damn it the hokey pokey is better
that's what it's all about take it away

john boy

All right.

Here we go.

Grab your partner.

Uh -huh.

Oh, swing your partner round and round.

Watch the seconds on the clock, down,
down.

Swing your arms in a revolution. Now
it's time to make a resolution.

Circle to the left, circle to the right.
Grab the partner you're going to abuse

tonight.

Ha -ha.

Now shoot the star and go, see, go.

gals should have a bowl.

Now switch partners.

Pokey, pokey, my ass. Oh, wow.

Well, thank you, Chug. That was a lot of
lonely.

While my guests arrive, why don't we go
into the kitchen and magically change

into another dress?

Well, we're close to the magic hour, so
why don't we join our guest for the

countdown?

What's that?

Hey,

Melu,

you have pulled it off. This is a tip
-top classy affair.

Oh, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself,
Patty.

Well, I'm very impressed with that
towel, Bubbly. It's unwieldy. And look

I'm lubricating for tonight's big kiss
at midnight.

Mmm. Extra juicier. I also brought the
mistletoe from Christmas. Double whammy.

I let my hair down.

Two girdles. I'm looking fine.

I'm looking nasty.

Beware.

Amy, you have really outdone yourself
with this one.

Oh, have you met my new boyfriend,
Chuck?

I didn't know you were available.

Remember that time I was dancing without
a partner? And what, you were single

the whole time?

Sorry,

Amy, but I'd just gotten out of a
serious relationship earlier in the

and when I met you, I wasn't ready to
jump back in so soon.

You met Chassie two minutes later.

Well... Time heals.

Come on, Chug. All this talking is
keeping us from drinking.

I decided to take the 1204 bus.

Why? Because I had to tell you, I love
you.

Oh, my goodness.

What do you want me to say to that?

You can't just come rushing back into my
life after 11 minutes.

Besides, you're just saying that because
you don't want to be alone on New

Year's Eve.

No, if this was about me being alone, I
would just go home to my wife and three

children. This is about me loving you.

Please, I don't know. I... What, you
don't believe me? I mean... I love...

That you have your own TV show.

I love how your... Your face is just...
It isn't symmetrical at all.

Doesn't look like both parts belong on
the same head.

I love this wig.

And I love how you're missing a tooth.

I love your dry, cracked lips and your
phlegmy laugh.

And these hands.

How they look like they've spent a
lifetime shucking oysters.

But most of all, I love the idea of
spending New Year's Eve with you.

Happy New Year.

Come away with me, Amy. Come with me on
the 1204.

I will.

Oh, wait.

What's the matter?

Oh, I just can't go rushing out that
door with you. I've got my TV show.

Well, can't someone else do it?

Oh, most people.

I know. I'll have Chassie look after the
show. And then once we've settled, I'll

send for it. Okay, I'll be right back.

Happy New Year, Amy.

I'm going to run off with this guy I
just met. Will you keep an eye on the

You...

Ghost Claws!

Ghost Claws!

Hello.

It's a new year.

and a fresh page of my old party log.

My party log is where I keep my hits and
misses, as well as my deepest thoughts.

Overall, I thought my party was a huge
success.

Sure, tensions ran high, property was
destroyed, and I lost what was probably

the greatest love of my life.

But you know what they say, it's better
to have loved and lost than to get hit

in the head with a brass clack clapper.
And I would know, because I've done

both. But this new year, I have hope in
my heart, most of my teeth, and most

importantly... I'm drawing a blank.

Thanks for watching.

Good night.