Original subtitles

I can't believe it's already New Year's Eve.

It seems like it was Christmas a week ago.

Oh, hello.

New Year's Eve is a time to reflect on the old year that was while looking

forward to the new year that hasn't. Tonight, let's start with all the things

I'm grateful for.

I'm sure something will come to me.

Okay, well, that was a bust.

Why don't we just focus on the new year?

Ah, me.

Show me your palm.

Okay. Oh, long lifeline. Good for you.

Career thriving.

Uh -oh.

Sex at peak. Look at you. Oh, sorry. I was reading my own palm.

It's embarrassing. Let's see yours.

I just don't know.

You see, the lifeline is very, like, stubby. Like, stubby and insignificant.

Like, it doesn't matter in your hand. Castor Thomas, how's my love line?

To be honest, it's really hard to see because of all the colors, but... Ooh!

I do see something very exciting in the near future.

Well, you must mean the At Home With Amy Sedaris Cookin' New Year's Eve special.

No, this means a new pattern baldness, but that can't be... Oh, I see it now.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

The At Home with Amy Sedaris Cookin' New Year's Eve Special.

Brought to you by the local Hamily Wagleys. The place for all your pork

Balloons, confetti, champagne, balloons.

The biggest stars we could get.

And a countdown to the new year with Amy Sedaris.

This is the show.

This is part of it. The part with my voice.

It started already.

And now, the hostess with the osteoporosis, Amy Sedaris.

Where are the balloons?

Regrets, I've had a few.

Mistakes, I've made a slew. I've been awful, been vindictive, I've been mean.

But change is tiring, and what New Year's always means is a dirty slate

that's simply just wiped clean.

This year I'll be younger, I'll be thinner, find a husband who's a winner.

Save money and come back on drinking beer.

Stop world hunger, be less dimmer, learn to cook a chicken dinner.

I just have to wait for the new year.

I just have to wait for the new year.

Welcome to At Home with Amy Sedaris Cookin' New Year's Eve Special.

Thank you so much for spending this special night watching our special

Just 23 minutes until New Year's. Special thanks to Guy Lombardi, our

clocksman, for providing the official countdown clock.

We'll visit with him a little bit later. But first, champagne!

A New Year's Eve centerpiece is your last shot of the year to prove to your

guests you're not a total failure, which is why I love giant champagne towers.

They are my favorite way to display piles of alcohol right behind a beer

or a gin stack.

Here to show us how to make one, please welcome local stemware engineer, Melissa

Jenkins.

Get out here, Melissa.

So good to be with you, Amy. Oh, thank you so much. You're so young.

No.

I'm not. Oh, okay. Well, please tell us about yourself.

I studied the art of glass ranging under the champagne tower theorist Emmanuel

Duplan -Duchamp at the Institut de l 'Académie del Mundo. Why does that sound

familiar to me?

You've probably driven past it. It's right there on Route 43, next to Fatty's

Menswear. Suits for the stout for your fat night out. I always found that

to be insensitive.

Well, it sells a lot of suits. Yeah, okay. So, Melissa, how does one build a

champagne tower?

That's a big question.

Well, all right, it takes a lot of focus, knowledge of structural

concepts, and this is the most important part, just an enthusiasm for stacking.

Oh, okay.

Shall we begin construction?

Oh, look, I have a box of champagne flutes for you.

What? What?

That's very sweet. I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh. I don't want you to look

like an idiot.

We don't stack with champagne flutes. This might sound a little technical, but

the opening is too dinky.

It's dinky. Okay. No, what we use is the industry standard wide champagne

saucer. Wow, it's so beautiful.

Thank you.

You want to make sure that they're parallel and that there's a slight kiss

on the lips of the glasses.

Well, yeah, it's kissing for sure.

It takes a very steady hand.

Oh, my goodness. It's like magic.

Would you like to see what the finished product looks like? Oh, I'd love to.

Wow, look at that tower.

There you have it. I'll give you the honor of pouring the champagne.

Well, how do you get up there?

I hope the amount will suffice. How many guests are you expecting?

Three. I

think this

amount will suffice. Oh, okay.

Now all we need is the champagne.

Yoo -hoo!

Did someone say champagne?

Oh, it's Ronnie Vino, our regional wine lady with our champagne.

What do you have for us, Ronnie? Well, I gotta make this quick. I'm ringing in

the news. you're at the Research Triangle Square.

I got six tons of loose confetti squeezed into my van.

I got you a bottle of swine wine hand pain.

Now, the sea is silent because it's a port -based sparkling wine.

The vineyard sits on a swamp. It's like a bubbly barbecue.

Once you taste it, you go hug wild.

Gotta go.

It's New Year's Eve, and I gotta leave. Going drinking with Steve.

I'm gonna be late on next year. Toodle -oo!

So, let's get the ladder.

You want the ladder? Yeah, let's do it the right way.

All right. Okay.

Oh, there it is. Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

Exciting.

Wow. Okay.

You all right?

Okay. I can't get the... Nice

catch.

With pleasure.

Melissa, you know, if we don't do anything later, there's a spare glass

available. Why don't you come by the party?

I'd love to, Amy, but I have to catch an 1158 bus.

Perhaps another year.

I hope so.

Okay, bye.

Here's Eve. There is no better time to gather with your closest friends to

reflect on your favorite moments from the past year. This is my good friend,

Chassie Tucker.

Hi, Chassie.

Thanks for spending New Year's with me. Oh, Amy, I couldn't imagine being

anywhere else.

For specials, we get time and a half, right? I'll look into it.

Now, we've asked you, the audience, to pick your top three favorite moments

Chassie and me from this past year.

Let's take a look at what you chose.

Happy birthday, Amy.

Chassie, that's so thoughtful.

That's what good friends do.

Oh, there's no I in my name.

You know what?

You are so wrapped up in your own little world that you are completely blind to

the fact that everyone here caters to you.

Well, if you wanted to know how to spell my name, you could have looked at any

of the checks that you get from this show.

Oh, you bitch!

for the second most favorite clip.

So, what are we making today, Amy? Denver omelet.

Denver? Mm -hmm. After what happened to me in Colorado?

You bitch!

And the number one scene you picked between me and Chassie from last year

You will never work in the local homemaking industry again! You're...

I apologize.

Boy,

Chassie Tucker, we sure have been through an awful lot, haven't we? Oh,

But even after all the ups and downs, I still love you.

Right. Should we do the song now? Let's do the song.

Tonight's duet is sponsored by Hamily Wagily Grocery Stores. At Hamily Wagily,

your family.

Say... so long to last years glories and troubles another year

has come to an end pour champagne with

extra bubbles I'll give a toast to my remarkable friend

hello new year would you bring me

how about a hot dog for this ravenous gal

That hot dog comes from Hamily -wag -thes Can't wait to share it with my

tubby old pal Say so long to last year's glories and troubles

Amy Sedaris Cookin' New Year's Eve special.

Stay tuned for the 28th biannual New Year's After Eve Spectacular, pre -taped

live from Research Triangle Square.

Sponsored by The Pork Right.

If you're not doing it right, you're doing it wrong.

The other pork guys.

The After Eve Spectacular will be hosted by celebrity contortionist Archie

Ragsdale. with musical performances by the Mung Sisters, the Pigeon River Jug

Quartet, an original poem by Becky Brote, and special celebrity guest

Streisand. My wish for your New Year's is to live.

My father was a scholar.

And it wouldn't be New Year's Eve without the Big Nut Drop. So tune in to

28th biannual New Year's After Eve Roaring Spectacular, pre -taped live

Research Triangle Square, and relive New Year's Eve.

All over again.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

But we're in the middle of our show and we have... 13 minutes.

13 minutes till the nut drop happening in downtown Research Triangle Square.

Just pass the bus stop.

big countdown tonight we're making a classic new year's dish that sends a

message of prosperity and good luck to help us prepare it please welcome my

friend and neighbor patty hogg you are welcome amy lou i didn't say thank you

yet apology accepted okay so tell me what we're making today we're not making

anything i'm making my great great great -grandfather's New Year's Eve recipe

that's been in our family since the Louisiana Purchase. And just like my

-great -great -grandmother's musketoon rifle, nobody outside the Hog family is

to lay a finger on it. Okay, just consider me an owl. I'll just observe.

Mm -hmm, that you will.

Now, according to the Southern tradition, this dish will bring

that consume it. The ingredients are as such.

A black -eyed pea medley and mustard green soup flavored with the Hog family

hock. Now, this...

Thigh bone has been passed down in my family for generations, since before the

great struggle. After soaking your beans and blanching your greens, you're going

to combine them in this here pot.

Now you're going to add an onion, whole, some horse carrots, I prefer

Clydesdale, then toss in the family ham hock for flavor. Now, you're going to

let that hock do all the heavy lifting. You're going to bring it to a bowl, then

simmer it down, pour it in a jello mold, and chill overnight.

Serves well.

Oh, okay.

Teddy hog, everyone.

I'm going to need that ham hock back.

You've got to get your own ham hock. Your own tradition. That's what makes me

and you you.

I've said too much. Actually, I haven't said enough.

Be careful. It's slippery out there.

Why don't we check in with our clock counter downer?

our terrific countdown clock, we've got owner and master clocksman from the

local clock shop, Clack -A -Doodle -Doo, on Curry Tuck Drive, Guy Lombardi.

Oh, how close are we, Guy?

Uh, we're close.

Can you be more specific?

Just this far.

Oh. Now, Guy, I must say, this is a big clock.

Well, all the Lombardi boys are known for their huge clocks.

I wish we could say the same for our penises.

Speaking of which, how's your wife, Joan?

Oh, my dearest Joan.

She's on life support now.

Soon I'll have no choice but to pull the plug.

Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

There are the rest of the balloons.

I'm sorry, Guy. What were you saying about Joan?

Pulling the plug.

I mean, I'm doing the right thing, right? I don't know. That's really a

you're going to have to make off the air.

I mean, to be honest, Joan left us months ago. She's barely more than a

furniture at this point.

But I made a promise that she'd see the new year.

So that's what we're doing.

Not that she'll know the difference.

Yeah, well, Guy, thank you so much for the time update.

Insurance is a goddamn mess. At one point, we talked about donating her

but I just couldn't.

It's the idea of her being chopped up for parts.

Is that all a life amounts to, just boxes of stuff and your organs doled out

like candies?

All that will be left is this clock.

I made it for Joan on our wedding night.

Soon it'll be all I have to remember her by.

So I'll stand here and count down the minutes, bringing the new year I'll have

to face alone.

Do you have any New Year's resolutions?

I'd like to travel more.

Guy Lombardi, everyone.

When we return.

More celebration.

We have an old New Year's Eve tradition around here we've never tried before.

A New Year's Eve square dance led by Chuck Ducey and the Fiddlestick.

to help us ring in the new year please welcome the research triangle square

dancers welcome john oh thank you amy so why don't you tell us a little bit

about square dancing well as far as i'm concerned square dancing is america's

national pastime now to be honest when speaking in terms of the dictate and do

dance genre i'd say square dancing is safe at the top what about the hokey

god damn it the hokey pokey is better that's what it's all about take it away

john boy

All right.

Here we go.

Grab your partner.

Uh -huh.

Oh, swing your partner round and round.

Watch the seconds on the clock, down, down.

Swing your arms in a revolution. Now it's time to make a resolution.

Circle to the left, circle to the right. Grab the partner you're going to abuse

tonight.

Ha -ha.

Now shoot the star and go, see, go.

gals should have a bowl.

Now switch partners.

Pokey, pokey, my ass. Oh, wow.

Well, thank you, Chug. That was a lot of lonely.

While my guests arrive, why don't we go into the kitchen and magically change

into another dress?

Well, we're close to the magic hour, so why don't we join our guest for the

countdown?

What's that?

Hey,

Melu,

you have pulled it off. This is a tip -top classy affair.

Oh, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, Patty.

Well, I'm very impressed with that towel, Bubbly. It's unwieldy. And look

I'm lubricating for tonight's big kiss at midnight.

Mmm. Extra juicier. I also brought the mistletoe from Christmas. Double whammy.

I let my hair down.

Two girdles. I'm looking fine.

I'm looking nasty.

Beware.

Amy, you have really outdone yourself with this one.

Oh, have you met my new boyfriend, Chuck?

I didn't know you were available.

Remember that time I was dancing without a partner? And what, you were single

the whole time?

Sorry,

Amy, but I'd just gotten out of a serious relationship earlier in the

and when I met you, I wasn't ready to jump back in so soon.

You met Chassie two minutes later.

Well... Time heals.

Come on, Chug. All this talking is keeping us from drinking.

I decided to take the 1204 bus.

Why? Because I had to tell you, I love you.

Oh, my goodness.

What do you want me to say to that?

You can't just come rushing back into my life after 11 minutes.

Besides, you're just saying that because you don't want to be alone on New

Year's Eve.

No, if this was about me being alone, I would just go home to my wife and three

children. This is about me loving you.

Please, I don't know. I... What, you don't believe me? I mean... I love...

That you have your own TV show.

I love how your... Your face is just... It isn't symmetrical at all.

Doesn't look like both parts belong on the same head.

I love this wig.

And I love how you're missing a tooth.

I love your dry, cracked lips and your phlegmy laugh.

And these hands.

How they look like they've spent a lifetime shucking oysters.

But most of all, I love the idea of spending New Year's Eve with you.

Happy New Year.

Come away with me, Amy. Come with me on the 1204.

I will.

Oh, wait.

What's the matter?

Oh, I just can't go rushing out that door with you. I've got my TV show.

Well, can't someone else do it?

Oh, most people.

I know. I'll have Chassie look after the show. And then once we've settled, I'll

send for it. Okay, I'll be right back.

Happy New Year, Amy.

I'm going to run off with this guy I just met. Will you keep an eye on the

You...

Ghost Claws!

Ghost Claws!

Hello.

It's a new year.

and a fresh page of my old party log.

My party log is where I keep my hits and misses, as well as my deepest thoughts.

Overall, I thought my party was a huge success.

Sure, tensions ran high, property was destroyed, and I lost what was probably

the greatest love of my life.

But you know what they say, it's better to have loved and lost than to get hit

in the head with a brass clack clapper. And I would know, because I've done

both. But this new year, I have hope in my heart, most of my teeth, and most

importantly... I'm drawing a blank.

Thanks for watching.

Good night.