Original subtitles

Although I didn't know the deceased personally, I've been asked to give the

eulogy, so here goes.

Let's see.

Unmarried, no children, no significant contributions to society. Well, there

must be something here worth noting.

All right, well, as I look out on all the faces of the friends and family who

have gathered here to mourn, I'm reminded that the true measure of a

not what they did, but who they are. They touched.

Uh, excuse me.

We're here for the next funeral.

All right, seal it up. Show's over.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Here's something.

She had a popular recipe for ginger snaps.

Sing us your dishes tonight on a very special At Home with Amy Sedaris.

Nachos. Fettuccine Alfredo.

Captain Crunch.

What do these dishes have in common? If you answered, I shouldn't have eaten

them all right before bed last night, you'd be correct.

But the answer I was looking for is that they were all named after their

creator, otherwise known as signature dishes.

These chefs will forever be immortalized by their great contributions to the

gastric arts. To have a dish signatured, it must be sampled, savored and

sanctioned by the Culinary Academy.

Tonight, I'm proud to announce that I will finally be joining the ranks of

Ignacio Nacho, Alfredo Delilio, and Captain Charles H. Crunch because the

Culinary Academy has chosen to formally recognize Amy's original ginger

snap.

Oh, please. Thank you. To finalize the selection, the head of the Academy,

Denise... Hershey Musgrave, there you go, will be here on this very show to

sample my snaps, give them a blessing, and present me with a certificate

solidifying my place in the pantheon of culinary, etc.

Tonight, I will prepare a special batch of my soon -to -be -renowned ginger

snaps, and for the first time, reveal my highly guarded recipe.

Nine, two, one.

Here we go.

Butter, sugar, an egg, molasses, flour, ginger.

There you have it. The beans have been spilt, the cat is out of the bag, and

robe has fallen open to expose the genitals. I will now gather my

Don't mind me.

What a surprise. My neighbor in front of the show, Patty Hogg.

Just wanted to come by and congratulate you on your nomination for the signature

dish. Thank you, Patty.

It's just a shame you didn't win it sooner, before that award lost its

You know, I can't remember, but didn't you submit one of your dishes to the

Culinary Academy for consideration, Patty? I was snubbed! Not that I care

way or the other. I don't need a shallow award to make me feel good about

myself. I love my life!

I've said too much, but if you would, when Denise Hershey Musgrave arrives,

you introduce her to my vegetarian zucchini fritters?

Patty's. Patty's. Good name, right?

They cannot be denied.

By the way, keep these in the fridge.

There's a lot of goose liver in there.

First of all, Patty, if there's goose liver in them, they're not vegetarian.

I've fed that goose nothing but corn.

More importantly, this is my day, and I have stuff to do, so if you wouldn't

mind... Well, I've got...

lot of stuff to do, too. Can I do it here? I'm sorry, Patty. I have to move

with my show.

Patty Hogg, everybody.

Let's look back now at the very first Culinary Academy certification.

Crowds gather at the Royal Garden Hotel and Banquet Chamber for the very first

Golden Pear Award.

Tonight's challenge...

Make the avocado their own.

Why, here come the award -eligible concoction.

A gesture mole.

You'd be a fool not to enjoy that one.

And there is a top contender if ever I've seen one.

Into the mouth with you, straight away.

Soon, a winner emerges.

Miss Annabelle Fernsby Cornish from Kenting, who's won over the judges'

with her shiny custard avocado pilot.

She'll get the accolades tonight.

There's a good girl.

Now the losing chefs are taken to the parking lot and beaten in front of their

families. A well -deserved pity.

With that, all eyes turn to next year's contest.

Who'll enrapture the judges' mouths and delight their teeth?

Only time shall tell indeed.

Wow, what an honor.

Well, as you can see, I have my ingredients all laid out, my measuring

assembled. All that's missing is my next guest.

Here now to help me make my soon -to -be -famous snaps, please welcome one of my

heroes, former local food critic Janice Shanks.

Hello, Amy. Oh, Janet, I am so excited you're here. I mean, you're a legend. I

have read every one of your columns.

I was the first to use the term erotic to describe Clan Chowder. I remember.

Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan. Oh, please, I'm blushing. Let me take you

through my snap. Of course, you want to use lots of ginger. As you can see, I've

got the real ginger here. She is more plain than I imagined.

Her tiny head crowned by sporadic wisps, like the hairs on a coconut.

She possesses a perverted girlishness, despite her advanced age.

Yet, there is something intriguing, perhaps not instantly obvious, but

those hunched shoulders and sloping chin, there is an intangible something

makes me say, more.

Please. Just because it makes it more time -consuming, I have nothing else to

do. Well, once I have my batter mixed, as you can see here, my secret is I take

a glass. I'm going to use the bottom. I'm going to put a smear of butter on

I am going to dip it into the sugar.

I'm going to take my pre -rolled balls, and I'm going to press. And the reason I

do this is just to make sure that my ginger snaps are uniform.

You know, Amy, that technique is unusual.

Huh? but also somewhat familiar.

It's very strange. Your recipe seems quite similar to a recipe created by

chef. What's his name?

Gerald Jasper Cutlet.

Huh, that doesn't ring a bell. Should it ring it a bell? I don't hear a bell.

Isn't that his cookbook right there on your shelf?

Oh, that Gerald Jasper Cutlet. Now that I remember, I'm remembering. You

know, I suppose I could have been inspired by Jasper's recipe here, but I

you, I put my own little twit on it.

That's a relief, Amy, because the Culinary Academy is very strict about

matters, by which I mean recipe, copyright infringement, and I would hate

you embroiled in scandal, battered in shame, and then sealed in disgrace.

You could do it yourself.

Oh, that's my recipe, Janice, okay? I promise you.

Former food critic, Janice Shanks.

Okay, bye -bye.

Along with my signature disc certification, I will also be receiving

Academy's Golden Pear to commemorate the event.

And what is the best way to protect these most treasured items that are

objective proof that all people who doubted you were wrong?

Trophy sacks.

I've attached bells to discourage that, and I've also created a border of

metallic rickrack to hint at the grandeur within.

I will top off my award sack with a decorative pom -pom. To make a pom -pom,

will need a piano bench.

First, saw off one of the legs and discard the rest of the bench.

Next, drill holes into the bench leg about a quarter inch apart.

Now, insert pegs into the hole.

Now, simply wrap the yarn around the pegs like so.

Mm -hmm. Tie it off in the middle, give it a waistline, and clip the ends.

Okay? Fluff it out, and there you have it. A pom -pom.

Now, if you don't have access to a piano bench, you can always just buy a pom

-pom at your local craft store.

Hobbly lobbly. They're dirt cheap.

Oh, Janice, what are you doing here?

I took the liberty of cross -referencing your ginger snap recipe with an

archival copy of Jasper Cutlet's because I knew you would want to know

definitively. And it's what I feared all along.

They're exactly the same.

Can I confide in you?

You can tell me anything. We're friends.

I just don't want you to think less of me.

Oh, there, there, sweet girl.

Tell Janice what's weighing on you.

Who's Janice?

Me.

Janice. Oh, right, Janice. Janice, Janice, I... I stole the recipe.

No! You have to understand, I'm the host of the number one regional homemaking

show in my time slot when you factor in invalids and shut -ins, and I've been

passed over for this award year after year. Do you know how humiliating that

But that means you've submitted a plagiarized dish to the Culinary

And now that I know, if I do nothing, I'm complicit. I guess I'll start

preparing my mind for prison.

No, Emmy.

I won't allow it.

I won't let them destroy you. What are you saying?

I will keep your secret, Amy, but you must do the right thing.

You have to change that recipe.

But I've already submitted it.

Well, just tell the Academy board that the recipe you submitted was a mistake.

Oh, I don't know.

But if they consume that plagiarized fraudulence, you will be finished.

I don't want to be finished. I want to be started.

Then leave out the ginger.

But they're ginger snaps. It's like peanut without the brittle.

You have no choice.

I am trying to fool you, Mary.

I don't know. My God, Janice, I just was so anxious.

You know, when I was a schoolgirl, we used to do something at Horse Scouts.

We would knead the inside of each other's thighs, in a friendly

way, just until the tension dissipated.

Did you do that at your school?

No, no.

No, we didn't.

It's fantastically soothing.

Would you care to give it a try?

Not now. I'm in the middle of lesbian.

Remember, Amy, we are bound now by our secrets.

And if you're open to it, horse belts.

Well,

I should go and let you get on with things here.

Okay.

While my culinary life hangs in the balance, why don't we head over to the

living room and get my table set for Denise Hershey Musgrave.

Tonight, I have Denise Hershey Musgrave coming to certify my recipe. So it's

important to create a stunning tablescape to support my ginger snaps.

First, I'll start with a pedestal to focus.

She moves like an awkward homunculus. You could put hot dogs on it if you

Her grotesque limbs swinging recklessly to and fro.

I should be utterly appalled.

And yet, there is something enticing about this fumbling frow, this skittling

bird. In case someone wants to eat the ginger snap with a fork, put that over

there. I'm reminded of a trip I took as a child with my father.

When we came upon a museum of other tapes, inside were the conventional

crocodile skeletons and shrunken heads.

And then I saw it. A taxidermic magpie that's been tattered and broken.

Amy is like that bird.

And this time, I will have it. So trust me, if your tablescape says, wow, they

won't hear your lasagna scream, I hope you ate before you came.

Here now, with more presentational ideas, our good friend, Chassie Tucker.

Hello, Chassie. Hi, Amy. You look nice today.

Oh, thank you. Now, as you know, I'm presenting my ginger snaps today with

Culinary Academy, and I would like to display them with a flourish.

What is she doing here?

She's just a friend, Chassie.

You don't have any friends.

What does she have on you?

Is it the same thing I have on you? Because I'd like to be the only one with

that thing on you.

What kind of spell has she cast?

That's absurd, Chassie. She has zero control over me.

Amy! Kitchen!

Now! Coming!

I'll be back.

What is it, Janice? I just want to make sure that you removed the ginger from

your snout.

We cannot be lax about this, Amy. Yes, I did it.

Is that a girl?

Also, I've been thinking, I think it might be a good idea if I replace that

jazzy in your tablescape exhibit.

I don't want her to leave. She's a friend of mine.

I'm the only friend you need now.

We share an understanding.

No one can breach our clandestine sacred trust.

Yoo -hoo!

Huh. But who might you be in your urchin cap and jangly bottom?

This is the regional wine lady.

Ronnie Vino at your service.

Purveyor of pick -me -ups, concoctor of concoctions.

Annie Hoosel. Amy, I heard there's a fermented grapevine about your show on

Signature Dishes, so I thought I'd bring you a signature drink. It's called the

Brew Ribbon. What you do is you take one part blue curacao, one part

gin, A squeezy squeeze of lemon juice.

A bottle and a half of cold lager. You drink the other half while you're making

it. Gently stir, then garnish with three blueberries on a cocktail sword.

En garde!

A couple of these and you're sure to be slurring your acceptance speech.

Anyway, I gotta go. I'm accepting an award myself.

Customer of the Month at the Liquor Doodle.

It's Friday night.

I'm gonna get drunk.

I'm gonna get laid. I'm gonna be laid on Monday.

Toodle -oos. Toodle -oos.

You know how much I value your contributions and how important you are

helping the show run smoothly.

Um, well, I was wondering if you'd be okay if I did this segment with Janice.

What?

Amy, I have been preparing for this segment for all of a few minutes.

Okay? I came here.

I'm standing here. And now you want to toss me aside like I'm one of your

romaine salads?

Salads are supposed to be tossed. Whatever.

I am a human being, damn it.

You're still going to get paid.

Oh, cool. See ya.

Oh, um, one more thing.

At the risk of sounding like someone who cares, watch out for her.

I can see it in her eyes.

She will wring you dry.

And I should know, because that's exactly what I'm doing to someone.

And I want to make sure that that someone isn't wrung dry before I've

wringing out of them. Do you follow what I'm saying?

No.

Neither do I.

But, uh, keep an eye on her.

Chaffee, Tucker, everyone.

No, it's just... Oh.

Here, little.

Well, you and me and the audience and the crew, whatever that is in the urn

brought. Oh, you know, when I was a schoolgirl at the field hockey

academy and we'd feel upset, some of the girls and I would unwind by stroking

each other's faces with the inside of our forearms.

Jolly relaxing.

For the giver and the receiver.

Try it with me. No, no, this way. Jim, I really have to get to a commercial

break, maybe. Let me just do this commercial break, and I'll be right

we return, I'll serve my gingerless snaps to Denise Hershey Musgrave. You

want to miss it.

Or, if you'd rather, we could whistle into each other's mouths.

Open wide.

Don't look here.

Welcome back to the show. My table looks terrific, my snaps are in the oven, and

all that's left is for me to receive my award.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

Was my tip -tip -tappity -tap interrupting your little show?

You know, Janice, I have an idea.

Here's a few dollars. Why don't you go see a movie?

I want to help.

There's nothing for you to do. The cookies won't be ready for another...

No, no, they're not.

Janice, it's nothing. It's nothing.

Janice, please.

These biscuits look fit for a queen.

And I'm sure no one will miss the ginger.

Okay, well, off you go now. I have a show to do.

I want to try one.

Well, those are for the Culinary Academy.

Oh, they won't miss one.

Oh, oh, God, I'm so sorry. I have a spastic colon in my elbow.

Hereditary.

You're not trying to hide something from me, are you, Amy?

I put the ginger in.

I risked everything for you, everything.

Little Miss Ginger, with your snippy snaps.

You've humiliated me.

I'm sorry, but the ginger has to stay in.

So this is your choice, is it?

Think very carefully about the decision you are making, little Missy.

I understand if you have to inform the Academy. That's your business. But I

to move on with my show.

Unlike you, I understand what friendship means.

The Academy may well find out about your deceitful dish deed, but they won't

hear it from me.

Thank you so much.

Now, if you don't mind, I will take a moment to gather my urn, and I will no

longer be a bother to you.

Prude tea. Nothing goes better with a ginger snap than a home -brewed

tea. Here to help, my neighbor, Patty Hogg.

Yoo -hoo!

There you sit.

Look at here. I brought you today from my garden of the month, one just this

week, fresh spearmint.

Look, it's still got its ribbon on it. Take that, golden pal.

Well, here's a pot of hot water. Why don't you steep the spearmint and set

tea on the table, and I'll arrange the cookies on a plate.

You got it, Chief. You're the boss, applesauce.

Follow me, Larry, and stay on the runner.

Oh, boy.

Now that spearmint, because it gives you that zing. That zing!

Are you with the Culinary Academy here to judge Amy's overrated ginger snaps?

It doesn't matter.

I was just leaving.

Hmm.

Can you keep a secret?

What do you know, and who can I tell? I won't say a word.

Just kitchen gossip.

But about those ginger snaps... Never mind. I don't want to tell tales out of

school. What's the scoop?

I do not like to be outside of the looped area and circling the scoop.

Well, it appears that Amy's signature recipe was signed by someone else.

You don't say.

Recipe theft.

Well, if the Culinary Academy were to find out, that would prevent Amy from

receiving the award. How tragically appropriate.

I've got to go. My finger has an appointment with a rotary phone.

This is she.

What?

What? No, but I... Well, don't hang up.

They're revoking my certificate.

Oh, no, no.

Poor dear.

Come to Janice. There, there.

And just like that, the donkey gets the carrot.

There, there.

Amy, you rest here, and I'll bring you some tea and warm up my forearms.

Huh.

Jennifer's private thoughts.

I'll just take a public peek.

Put those down!

Those are my private paper!

This is what you think of my show?

grubby, loathsome writing, vile crafting segment?

And you told Patty everything?

I should have figured that out the second I heard you dictating that out

while you were typing.

That's how I write.

You promised to keep my secret. You ruined me.

Everything I've done has been to protect the bond we share.

You're insane.

The Academy could suspend my show for five years.

Now fly by.

You can't be serious.

You want to go back to your wretched little show?

I saved you from it. That's what you think?

That I'd rather be here with you than to do my hit show?

We'll start a new show. You and I.

A nature show with geese. They'll fly by.

Oh, Miss Musgrave.

Hello, Amy.

May I come in, please?

Oh, please.

Oh.

This is, uh... Janice Shanks. Oh, I know who she is.

Your treatise on kidney pot pie was brilliant.

Thank you.

Now, please sit.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Amy. Yes. We owe you an apology.

You owe me an apology?

Yes. There's no question that you plagiarized your famous ginger snap

from Gerald Jasper Cutlet. But upon further investigation, our culinary

archivist... discovered that Gerald Jasper Cutlet had plagiarized it, too.

congratulations. Since no one else claimed it, it's yours.

Oh, my goodness. How do I look?

Here is your certificate.

Oh, look at that, and it's unframed. And the golden pear.

Oh, look at that. It's so gold.

I'm sure there's a lesson in here somewhere, but who cares? I have a

polish. We'll be right back.

There. It goes perfect between my most improved hostess award and this French

Open trophy I bought at the estate sale of tennis legend Pancho Gonzalez.

What a legacy I got.

There it is. An absolute and official validation of my undeniable success.

Now I have physical proof proving that I'm a winner.

I wonder why I feel so empty.

I know what I need. Another award.

Good night.