Original subtitles

Welcome to my show on dips and dunkers. When it comes to shoving something dry

and crispy into something wet and mushy, you can't beat pornography.

But second to porn, dips.

Tonight, it's all about dips and what to stick in them. Then, later on, I'll be

putting together a buffet of my favorite snacks while we watch the big game.

Now, I'm not much of a sporting fan, but lately the network has taken a renewed

alarm in my ratings, which have sagged following the recent closing of Family

Burden's nursing home. The network is pushing me to cover sports, because

apparently it appeals to the coveted beer bong demographic.

Also, as a favor to the network, I'll be promoting their latest discovery, Chris

Lindsay, who will be premiering a new homemaking show this week on the

That's... Nice, but will he be delivering big -name guests like the

foremost dipologist?

Please welcome, straight from Honkers Sports Bar and Grill in Bunn County,

Crystal Dangles.

Hi, Amy. Crystal, thanks for coming out. And who's this?

Well, this is Poppy.

I hope you don't mind that I brought her with. It's an emotional support

situation. I see. So she's a service dog? No, no, no, no. She's the one with

emotional issues.

Poppy is a manic depressive and currently on suicide watch, so... Okay,

let's keep her away from traffic.

Let's talk about dip.

Crystal, when did you first realize that you had a gift for dip? Well, a few

years ago, I got my associate's degree in pest extermination. And after a

of very gratifying years poisoning rodents, I realized that my true passion

for dips.

So, sold the work van, did a little time, and turned all my energy and focus

cheese -based semi -liquid. Oh, wow.

You know you're in fact doing Maya's right.

No, I'm not.

You don't see all those droppings?

It's a cooking show. Those are chocolate sprinkles.

Let's see you eat one.

Chris, what would you say is your signature dip?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked. The lobster claw dip. Oh.

Okay.

Oh, look at that. Can we get a close -up on that, Larry?

Yeah. She sets the gold standard.

I mean, this dip has everything.

It's got your variety of cheeses, got your sour cream, your mayo, and when

correctly, the perfect consistency.

So you're going to take the spoon, and you're going to listen for that. Do you

hear that? Oh, my goodness. I hear it. I hear it. Hey, where's Poppy?

Oh. Poppy?

Oh, that's funny. Baby girl?

Poppy!

Step away from the window.

Honey girl, you don't have to do this.

You come here. You don't have to do this, honey. Give me your paw. Give me

paw. Come here.

Come here.

Oh, honey girl.

Oh.

Oh, wow. Does your dog all right? Does your dog all right?

Oh. This kitchen is a murder trap.

Oh.

Murder trap.

Crystal dangles, everybody.

Well, I have my dip.

And it sounds like my decorating team is getting into the spirit.

I've assembled a Cracker Jack squad to give my living room a game day makeover.

Let's see how they're making out.

I'm telling you, it's not her real hair.

It looks like a wig from a clown shop.

What's a clown shop? You know, the place you go for squirty flowers, floppy

shoes, and big hobo cigars. A place like that.

Oh, wait a minute, Amy Lou. We're just debating your skull and whatever that is

on top of it. You know, I pay you to be here, and I ask so little of you. You

know, this show isn't going to be around forever. And then what are you going to

do? What?

You mean this gravy train can run out of gravy?

Won't we clean up in residuals? That's what I've been borrowing against.

Look, nobody panic. I am the number one hit homemaking show, and we're going to

stay that way. And do you want to know why?

Oh, people are too lazy to change the channel? Having it on discourages

house guests. Oh, um, uh...

A path.

It's because I know how to stay relevant and appeal to the youth.

Speaking of which, please welcome my next guest from Quilty Pleasures

Shop, 86 years young, Miss Elva DeFossil.

Oh. Oh.

Beads and things and glitter and string, glue and sew and buttons and bows.

Welcome, Elva.

Now, you make these...

adorable crocheted cozies to keep dip bowls warm. Can you take us through it?

Oh, I would love to.

So first step, you take your yarn like this, make a loop like so.

Pull the loop through here.

Then you want to put your needle through.

Let's see. Let's get this like that.

Okay.

Where'd my needle go? One moment.

What an electric segment this is, right?

Okay. Elva, why don't we check back in with you later?

Ooh, how much later? I'm tired.

Okay, well, we'll think about that later. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I

to help the network promote their newest homemaking show. Not sure why the

network needs two homemaking shows. I don't know how both could survive, but

here's the trailer.

Larry?

Are you ready for the homemaking event of a lifetime?

The most cooking show ever.

If you watch only one homemaking show, and let's be honest, why would you watch

more than one? Make it this one.

Chris Lindsay is mine.

Please welcome Chris Lindsay.

Yeah!

Welcome to the neighborhood, Chris.

Amy, before you say anything more, let me just say my mother is a huge fan of

yours. See, she grew up watching you because her mother was also a fan.

Got it. All right, so, Chris, tell us about your new homemaking show.

You want my show in three words?

Okay. Holograms, pyrotechnics, soup.

I am just exhausted.

Let me tell you what we're doing on my show.

Heritage Chicken Wings. Oh.

How quaint.

Nothing flaps louder on game day, quite like the smallest part of the chicken.

Always a crowd pleaser. I have old -timey orange juice, traditional

sugar, and a cup of grandma's corn syrup.

Do you mind if I stop you there, Amy? I do.

Well, I'm going to show you a modern twist on chicken wings.

First,

I'm going to put together a quick mixture of cornstarch, raw local honey,

wasabi peas, and Turkish delight.

And to kick it up a notch, I'm going to add single -batch, double -barrel

bourbon. Watch out, kids.

Now, we will whisk, or as I like to call it, frisk. Hey, look at that.

Now, we'll take a chicken wing, and we are going to completely soak it in our

mixture. Make sure it's good and wet.

I like to carry around with me a canister of liquid nitrogen.

I'm going to take this chicken wing and completely submerge it.

Don't forget, kids, presentation is 99 % of the game.

You see, Amy, chicken wings can take flight again if only we use

our imagination.

Voila.

I've a bit of spit on my wings. Sometimes I jazz them up with ranch.

People love it.

Chris, lint -seed everybody.

Why don't we check in with my pet club and see how our decorations are coming?

Oh, we watched that Chris Lynn feed. Oh, he's young, he's ambitious, he's

excited to watch.

Well doomed.

I love the way he dressed.

Hi, is this the executive producer of the Chris Lynn feed show?

Hi, are you hiring, and can I get an advance on my severance package?

Listen, all of you, we are a hit television show. We are vibrant, we are

electric, and we're going to be fine.

Every segment on this show is an action -packed rollercoaster ride of

excitement. Speaking of which, why don't we visit the lady who lives in the

woods?

That's a cut. Three minutes, everyone.

Amy,

what are we going to do? We can't just sit still, stare while our show ship

sails out to sea and sinks.

Don't worry.

I have a feeling everything's going to work out fine.

Great job, kid.

The network is very excited about you. I think they'll be making some swift

changes. I knew we'd go far together.

Yeah, speaking of we, there's something we need to discuss.

What is it, kid?

You know what?

Let me wash my face first. I don't like to deliver such soul -crushing news

looking this good.

Sure, kid.

Get yourself cleaned up.

Welcome back. If you're just joining us, I'm preparing dips and dunkers for our

game day party.

I've made traditional chicken wings with ranch dip, and we're creating dip

cozies. How's it going, Alva?

Where am I?

Who are you?

Well, it sounds like the cozies are coming along.

Also, my team is decorating the living room. Let's see what else.

Oh, yes, a guest of mine was found dead in his dressing room. So, we've covered

dips. Let's dive into dunkers.

Oh, that must be the police.

Does someone want to get that?

People go away when their fists get hard.

Oh, this is silly. We're perfectly innocent.

Oh, hope you don't mind.

Let myself in.

Could someone please get me a damp cloth if it's not too much trouble?

Somebody, anyone?

These are very gentle on your skin.

Great for makeup.

Here you go.

Oh,

Detective Munger.

Homicide.

Homicide?

But this was an accident.

And if you don't think so, just look at the surprised expression on my face when

you say homicide.

Yeah, it does look surprised. Listen, this is just routine. I'm sure it's a

and closed case.

Boy, look, I collected a lot of... Gris, hustling on the shoulder of I -70.

Got a flat tire in the beltway. Luckily, I have my trusty pair of lady ramblers,

so it was a fairly, uh, comfortable jump.

Can we just get to it, Detective?

This is a 24 -minute show.

Uh -huh. Well, I spoke to the officer on the scene, and apparently the deceased

was found in his dressing room with his head submerged in a sink of water.

Sounds like a common household accident. You know, the bathroom is the most

dangerous room in the house next to the oily ragshed.

Now, as a Navy man, I can tell you, water has killed a lot of men.

Probably what happened was he was shaving, dropped his razor into a sink

water, went to retrieve it, and drowned mid -retrieval.

Happens every day. No more questions, Your Honor. That's lunch.

There you have it, Detective.

Now, if you don't mind my show, well, then, I guess I'll leave you to it.

You know, I was just saying, there's a funny thing here.

This disease just appeared on your television program, is that correct?

Yes, detective.

Mm -hmm. I wonder why he would choose to shave after he was on television. I

mean, that's like taking a dump before dinner, right?

I'm not aware of the intimate bathroom habits of my guests, detective.

So if there is nothing more, I have a finger food segment to get to.

Of course. But just to be safe, it might be behoovey to do an autopsy.

Autopsy? We've never done an autopsy on the guests who died on this show before.

The police have always given us the benefit of the doubt. Always.

Well, I have a bit of a hunch.

Also, I have an idea.

What are you writing down, Detective?

Huh? Oh, what? No, I was just doing a sketch of a donkey with buck teeth.

I doodle.

Fastest time while I'm trying to solve a murder.

Oh, well, you do what you have to, Detective.

I have a big game to prepare for and then a one -way flight to catch out of

country. Chassie, can you help me in the kitchen, please?

Sure, Amy.

You're the ringleader.

I just follow your orders.

Enough of the drama.

Leslie and I are going to sit right here calmly so that we do not appear

suspicious or bring attention to ourselves.

We are acting perfectly natural.

Keep it together, Chaffee. I can't do that.

I'm no good with cops.

I don't want to go to jail.

I want to live.

Keep your mouth shut.

This episode is over in about 11 minutes and we can all go back to our lives

like nothing happened.

I'd like to apologize for the unfortunate disruption.

Let's get this train back on the rails.

Dunkers! One would assume that any dry food that fits in a bowl and is rigid

enough to support dip can be a dunker. And that's where parties go south.

Nothing is more important than to pick the right vehicle to transport the dip.

Chassie, what's your favorite way to scoop dip?

I don't know.

Uh, clamshells. What?

That's crazy. You sound like a murderer.

Oh, detective.

I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting something?

Oh, we're just in the middle of a segment. And by middle, I mean

What, it's happening now?

Yeah, well, there's a camera right there, detective. You're surrounded by

It is a studio.

Oh, look at that. Yeah, see, I've never been on TV before.

Oh, what a shame.

Okay, well, detective, I was just about to explain to Chassie here the many

benefits of pita points. Why don't you help us toast?

I'm not Andy in the kitchen. In the basement, I'm a whiz.

Okay, well, it's very simple. What you're going to do is you're going to

the section pita right there in front of you, and you're going to arrange it on

this cookie sheet.

Looks like you got a mouth problem.

No, those are chocolate sprinkles, detective.

No,

it's mouth.

You're infested. Yeah.

Okay, so you got the pitas here. Yep.

Try like so.

All right. One more. I'm pretty hungry.

And now you're going to brush it with a little bit of olive oil.

With olive oil? This olive oil right here? Okay. With olive oil.

All right. A little dab will do it.

That's enough, detective. You're not shellacking a deck.

Okay? You can add a little seasoning.

Okay? Then what you're going to do is you're going to pop it in that preheated

toaster oven. Toaster oven. I got one on my camper.

I've got a basement.

Hot oven, isn't it?

There you go. That was pretty easy.

That's what I meant on cooking show, huh?

Amazing.

Excellent job, detective.

All right, well, grab a few of these. We'll see you around.

Okay. While our points toast, we'll go into the living room and make our final

arrangements for the big game.

Jesse, come along.

Tablecloths at a festive florist for your big game buffet.

Approaching.

Will you be staying to watch the big game, detective?

Yeah, you know, I just might stick around.

I had a development in the case.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, in order to move things along, I had to perform a quick autopsy.

What? Yeah, sliced him open right there in the dressing room.

Autopsy? In my green room? Is that normal police procedure?

Well, traditionally, it's performed by a medical examiner in a police lab. But

once I started poking around, I got a little carried away and ended up

most of his organs.

You know what I found?

I don't, detective.

Once you cut into a human body, it's hard to stop. Also, Mr.

Lindsay didn't die from drowning.

Now, he died from electrocution.

And since no electric device was found near the body, one can only conclude it

was murder.

Murder, murder, murder.

I don't recall murdering anyone today.

Well, I'm going to have to ask all of you what your relationship was with the

deceased. Well, we all hated him.

Yeah, he was going to take over Amy's show, you know, unless we did something

about it. We wanted him gone for good.

Well, I found him charming, Detective, aside from the fact that he was a threat

to my livelihood.

Is that all, Detective?

Detective, mind if we speak privately in public?

Take the floor.

I'll have you know I'm a bit of an armchair detective, detective.

As such, I've assembled a list of suspects as well as motives so we can

this case buttoned up. Okay.

Number one, Amy Sedaris. What? And why she is thirsty for attention and she'll

do anything to stay on top.

Number two,

Chassie Tucker.

Long criminal history, short to a memory loss.

Her sexual advances were rebuffed, and she lashed out in the only way she

Murder! Number three... That's a long list, Miss Hogg.

Leslie Hogg!

Isn't that your husband?

Well, it pains me to say it, but if the saddle shoe fits, then so be it.

And, Hogg, why do you think your husband would commit a murder?

He's killed half my houseplants. Who knows what he's capable of?

All right, well, that's absolutely fascinating. But I've discovered a

suspects myself.

I found this in the waste receptacle near the crime scene.

Can you get a close -up on that, Larry?

See what it says there.

Well, I haven't used that mixer in years.

I'm a hand whisker myself. Feel my forearm.

Tight as a drum.

It's not that tight. Oh, I found it along with this oven mitt.

I just got the carpet cleaning bill from your autopsy. You couldn't put down

plastic? You couldn't have high -weight floors?

We'll be right back.

The big game is about to start. My guests are gathered to root for their

favorite sportsman's team. To announce the table spread, local legendary

sportscaster Chad Chutney.

Starting off the pack, we have a buffalo dip, followed closely by artichoke,

running neck and neck with blue cheese, spicy wings and non -spicy wings, and

ring of meat.

But hold on, coming around the corner is cheese plate, grape, habari, and

manchego. I'm bringing up the rear ribs.

Oops, yeah.

It's coming back.

Thank you, Chad.

Mind if I hang out for the big game?

Ooh, we're sort of short on wings. I hope your team chokes and then you do,

Chad Chutney, everybody.

It's game time.

Anything?

Nothing yet. My father would hit it with his feet.

Oh, is that it? Oh!

Sorry to interrupt your game, but I have an announcement to make.

You looking for me, detective?

Yeah, why don't you have a seat? You might want to hear this.

Oh, olive.

That's good.

Oh.

Mmm. You know, I have to tell you, I love a black olive, but, you know, the

always land up in my pockets. Look at that.

Guilty. I had two already this morning with my black coffee.

Now, let me see here. Mr.

Mr. Linseed returned to his green room. He had a discussion with his manager. Is

that correct?

It is.

Now, his manager left the room and Mr. Linseed alone walked to the sink to

remove his foundation.

Makeup, stage makeup, clown makeup, right?

Mm -hmm. Now, I believe Mr.

Linseed washed his face, the murderer snuck up behind him while wearing an

mitt to avoid prints. Very smart, very clever.

dropped this old appliance, you can see here, avocado green, into the water. The

killer retrieved the mixer and dropped it and the oven mitt into the trash bag.

So who's the killer, detective?

Well, I checked Mr.

Linseed's wallet to see if there was a robbery, right?

But he had $180 on him.

Closer inspection, I found this bank slip showing he withdrew $200 from a

banking machine right before his appearance.

It's got stains on it, but this is it.

I'll have things.

Then it hit me. The amount that was missing.

Ten percent.

Now, who among us would feel entitled to ten percent?

Chelsea! Chelsea. Oh, I'll pass.

Good work, detective.

But can you blame me?

I was there from the beginning.

I discovered him.

I nurtured him.

And then I found out he was going to throw me aside for another better agent.

I'm off the hook.

But there's something you missed, Detective.

I'm not just Mr. Linseed's manager.

I'm also... his

manager's twin.

Oh, I didn't see that coming.

I'm too old for this shit.

You look great.

Thanks, Jess.

We'll be right back.

Well, the big game is over and the team won.

I did learn something today. A good hostess doesn't let a murder get in the

of a great game day party.

Unless, of course, they're the one who's murdered.

Good night.

I have a feeling everything's gonna work out fine.