All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s03e07 Dips and Dunkers.eng

Welcome to my show on dips and dunkers.
When it comes to shoving something dry

and crispy into something wet and mushy,
you can't beat pornography.

But second to porn, dips.

Tonight, it's all about dips and what to
stick in them. Then, later on, I'll be

putting together a buffet of my favorite
snacks while we watch the big game.

Now, I'm not much of a sporting fan, but
lately the network has taken a renewed

alarm in my ratings, which have sagged
following the recent closing of Family

Burden's nursing home. The network is
pushing me to cover sports, because

apparently it appeals to the coveted
beer bong demographic.

Also, as a favor to the network, I'll be
promoting their latest discovery, Chris

Lindsay, who will be premiering a new
homemaking show this week on the

That's... Nice, but will he be
delivering big -name guests like the

foremost dipologist?

Please welcome, straight from Honkers
Sports Bar and Grill in Bunn County,

Crystal Dangles.

Hi, Amy. Crystal, thanks for coming out.
And who's this?

Well, this is Poppy.

I hope you don't mind that I brought her
with. It's an emotional support

situation. I see. So she's a service
dog? No, no, no, no. She's the one with

emotional issues.

Poppy is a manic depressive and
currently on suicide watch, so... Okay,

let's keep her away from traffic.

Let's talk about dip.

Crystal, when did you first realize that
you had a gift for dip? Well, a few

years ago, I got my associate's degree
in pest extermination. And after a

of very gratifying years poisoning
rodents, I realized that my true passion

for dips.

So, sold the work van, did a little
time, and turned all my energy and focus

cheese -based semi -liquid. Oh, wow.

You know you're in fact doing Maya's
right.

No, I'm not.

You don't see all those droppings?

It's a cooking show. Those are chocolate
sprinkles.

Let's see you eat one.

Chris, what would you say is your
signature dip?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked. The lobster
claw dip. Oh.

Okay.

Oh, look at that. Can we get a close -up
on that, Larry?

Yeah. She sets the gold standard.

I mean, this dip has everything.

It's got your variety of cheeses, got
your sour cream, your mayo, and when

correctly, the perfect consistency.

So you're going to take the spoon, and
you're going to listen for that. Do you

hear that? Oh, my goodness. I hear it. I
hear it. Hey, where's Poppy?

Oh. Poppy?

Oh, that's funny. Baby girl?

Poppy!

Step away from the window.

Honey girl, you don't have to do this.

You come here. You don't have to do
this, honey. Give me your paw. Give me

paw. Come here.

Come here.

Oh, honey girl.

Oh.

Oh, wow. Does your dog all right? Does
your dog all right?

Oh. This kitchen is a murder trap.

Oh.

Murder trap.

Crystal dangles, everybody.

Well, I have my dip.

And it sounds like my decorating team is
getting into the spirit.

I've assembled a Cracker Jack squad to
give my living room a game day makeover.

Let's see how they're making out.

I'm telling you, it's not her real hair.

It looks like a wig from a clown shop.

What's a clown shop? You know, the place
you go for squirty flowers, floppy

shoes, and big hobo cigars. A place like
that.

Oh, wait a minute, Amy Lou. We're just
debating your skull and whatever that is

on top of it. You know, I pay you to be
here, and I ask so little of you. You

know, this show isn't going to be around
forever. And then what are you going to

do? What?

You mean this gravy train can run out of
gravy?

Won't we clean up in residuals? That's
what I've been borrowing against.

Look, nobody panic. I am the number one
hit homemaking show, and we're going to

stay that way. And do you want to know
why?

Oh, people are too lazy to change the
channel? Having it on discourages

house guests. Oh, um, uh...

A path.

It's because I know how to stay relevant
and appeal to the youth.

Speaking of which, please welcome my
next guest from Quilty Pleasures

Shop, 86 years young, Miss Elva
DeFossil.

Oh. Oh.

Beads and things and glitter and string,
glue and sew and buttons and bows.

Welcome, Elva.

Now, you make these...

adorable crocheted cozies to keep dip
bowls warm. Can you take us through it?

Oh, I would love to.

So first step, you take your yarn like
this, make a loop like so.

Pull the loop through here.

Then you want to put your needle
through.

Let's see. Let's get this like that.

Okay.

Where'd my needle go? One moment.

What an electric segment this is, right?

Okay. Elva, why don't we check back in
with you later?

Ooh, how much later? I'm tired.

Okay, well, we'll think about that
later. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I

to help the network promote their newest
homemaking show. Not sure why the

network needs two homemaking shows. I
don't know how both could survive, but

here's the trailer.

Larry?

Are you ready for the homemaking event
of a lifetime?

The most cooking show ever.

If you watch only one homemaking show,
and let's be honest, why would you watch

more than one? Make it this one.

Chris Lindsay is mine.

Please welcome Chris Lindsay.

Yeah!

Welcome to the neighborhood, Chris.

Amy, before you say anything more, let
me just say my mother is a huge fan of

yours. See, she grew up watching you
because her mother was also a fan.

Got it. All right, so, Chris, tell us
about your new homemaking show.

You want my show in three words?

Okay. Holograms, pyrotechnics, soup.

I am just exhausted.

Let me tell you what we're doing on my
show.

Heritage Chicken Wings. Oh.

How quaint.

Nothing flaps louder on game day, quite
like the smallest part of the chicken.

Always a crowd pleaser. I have old
-timey orange juice, traditional

sugar, and a cup of grandma's corn
syrup.

Do you mind if I stop you there, Amy? I
do.

Well, I'm going to show you a modern
twist on chicken wings.

First,

I'm going to put together a quick
mixture of cornstarch, raw local honey,

wasabi peas, and Turkish delight.

And to kick it up a notch, I'm going to
add single -batch, double -barrel

bourbon. Watch out, kids.

Now, we will whisk, or as I like to call
it, frisk. Hey, look at that.

Now, we'll take a chicken wing, and we
are going to completely soak it in our

mixture. Make sure it's good and wet.

I like to carry around with me a
canister of liquid nitrogen.

I'm going to take this chicken wing and
completely submerge it.

Don't forget, kids, presentation is 99 %
of the game.

You see, Amy, chicken wings can take
flight again if only we use

our imagination.

Voila.

I've a bit of spit on my wings.
Sometimes I jazz them up with ranch.

People love it.

Chris, lint -seed everybody.

Why don't we check in with my pet club
and see how our decorations are coming?

Oh, we watched that Chris Lynn feed. Oh,
he's young, he's ambitious, he's

excited to watch.

Well doomed.

I love the way he dressed.

Hi, is this the executive producer of
the Chris Lynn feed show?

Hi, are you hiring, and can I get an
advance on my severance package?

Listen, all of you, we are a hit
television show. We are vibrant, we are

electric, and we're going to be fine.

Every segment on this show is an action
-packed rollercoaster ride of

excitement. Speaking of which, why don't
we visit the lady who lives in the

woods?

That's a cut. Three minutes, everyone.

Amy,

what are we going to do? We can't just
sit still, stare while our show ship

sails out to sea and sinks.

Don't worry.

I have a feeling everything's going to
work out fine.

Great job, kid.

The network is very excited about you. I
think they'll be making some swift

changes. I knew we'd go far together.

Yeah, speaking of we, there's something
we need to discuss.

What is it, kid?

You know what?

Let me wash my face first. I don't like
to deliver such soul -crushing news

looking this good.

Sure, kid.

Get yourself cleaned up.

Welcome back. If you're just joining us,
I'm preparing dips and dunkers for our

game day party.

I've made traditional chicken wings with
ranch dip, and we're creating dip

cozies. How's it going, Alva?

Where am I?

Who are you?

Well, it sounds like the cozies are
coming along.

Also, my team is decorating the living
room. Let's see what else.

Oh, yes, a guest of mine was found dead
in his dressing room. So, we've covered

dips. Let's dive into dunkers.

Oh, that must be the police.

Does someone want to get that?

People go away when their fists get
hard.

Oh, this is silly. We're perfectly
innocent.

Oh, hope you don't mind.

Let myself in.

Could someone please get me a damp cloth
if it's not too much trouble?

Somebody, anyone?

These are very gentle on your skin.

Great for makeup.

Here you go.

Oh,

Detective Munger.

Homicide.

Homicide?

But this was an accident.

And if you don't think so, just look at
the surprised expression on my face when

you say homicide.

Yeah, it does look surprised. Listen,
this is just routine. I'm sure it's a

and closed case.

Boy, look, I collected a lot of... Gris,
hustling on the shoulder of I -70.

Got a flat tire in the beltway. Luckily,
I have my trusty pair of lady ramblers,

so it was a fairly, uh, comfortable
jump.

Can we just get to it, Detective?

This is a 24 -minute show.

Uh -huh. Well, I spoke to the officer on
the scene, and apparently the deceased

was found in his dressing room with his
head submerged in a sink of water.

Sounds like a common household accident.
You know, the bathroom is the most

dangerous room in the house next to the
oily ragshed.

Now, as a Navy man, I can tell you,
water has killed a lot of men.

Probably what happened was he was
shaving, dropped his razor into a sink

water, went to retrieve it, and drowned
mid -retrieval.

Happens every day. No more questions,
Your Honor. That's lunch.

There you have it, Detective.

Now, if you don't mind my show, well,
then, I guess I'll leave you to it.

You know, I was just saying, there's a
funny thing here.

This disease just appeared on your
television program, is that correct?

Yes, detective.

Mm -hmm. I wonder why he would choose to
shave after he was on television. I

mean, that's like taking a dump before
dinner, right?

I'm not aware of the intimate bathroom
habits of my guests, detective.

So if there is nothing more, I have a
finger food segment to get to.

Of course. But just to be safe, it might
be behoovey to do an autopsy.

Autopsy? We've never done an autopsy on
the guests who died on this show before.

The police have always given us the
benefit of the doubt. Always.

Well, I have a bit of a hunch.

Also, I have an idea.

What are you writing down, Detective?

Huh? Oh, what? No, I was just doing a
sketch of a donkey with buck teeth.

I doodle.

Fastest time while I'm trying to solve a
murder.

Oh, well, you do what you have to,
Detective.

I have a big game to prepare for and
then a one -way flight to catch out of

country. Chassie, can you help me in the
kitchen, please?

Sure, Amy.

You're the ringleader.

I just follow your orders.

Enough of the drama.

Leslie and I are going to sit right here
calmly so that we do not appear

suspicious or bring attention to
ourselves.

We are acting perfectly natural.

Keep it together, Chaffee. I can't do
that.

I'm no good with cops.

I don't want to go to jail.

I want to live.

Keep your mouth shut.

This episode is over in about 11 minutes
and we can all go back to our lives

like nothing happened.

I'd like to apologize for the
unfortunate disruption.

Let's get this train back on the rails.

Dunkers! One would assume that any dry
food that fits in a bowl and is rigid

enough to support dip can be a dunker.
And that's where parties go south.

Nothing is more important than to pick
the right vehicle to transport the dip.

Chassie, what's your favorite way to
scoop dip?

I don't know.

Uh, clamshells. What?

That's crazy. You sound like a murderer.

Oh, detective.

I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting something?

Oh, we're just in the middle of a
segment. And by middle, I mean

What, it's happening now?

Yeah, well, there's a camera right
there, detective. You're surrounded by

It is a studio.

Oh, look at that. Yeah, see, I've never
been on TV before.

Oh, what a shame.

Okay, well, detective, I was just about
to explain to Chassie here the many

benefits of pita points. Why don't you
help us toast?

I'm not Andy in the kitchen. In the
basement, I'm a whiz.

Okay, well, it's very simple. What
you're going to do is you're going to

the section pita right there in front of
you, and you're going to arrange it on

this cookie sheet.

Looks like you got a mouth problem.

No, those are chocolate sprinkles,
detective.

No,

it's mouth.

You're infested. Yeah.

Okay, so you got the pitas here. Yep.

Try like so.

All right. One more. I'm pretty hungry.

And now you're going to brush it with a
little bit of olive oil.

With olive oil? This olive oil right
here? Okay. With olive oil.

All right. A little dab will do it.

That's enough, detective. You're not
shellacking a deck.

Okay? You can add a little seasoning.

Okay? Then what you're going to do is
you're going to pop it in that preheated

toaster oven. Toaster oven. I got one on
my camper.

I've got a basement.

Hot oven, isn't it?

There you go. That was pretty easy.

That's what I meant on cooking show,
huh?

Amazing.

Excellent job, detective.

All right, well, grab a few of these.
We'll see you around.

Okay. While our points toast, we'll go
into the living room and make our final

arrangements for the big game.

Jesse, come along.

Tablecloths at a festive florist for
your big game buffet.

Approaching.

Will you be staying to watch the big
game, detective?

Yeah, you know, I just might stick
around.

I had a development in the case.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, in order to move things
along, I had to perform a quick autopsy.

What? Yeah, sliced him open right there
in the dressing room.

Autopsy? In my green room? Is that
normal police procedure?

Well, traditionally, it's performed by a
medical examiner in a police lab. But

once I started poking around, I got a
little carried away and ended up

most of his organs.

You know what I found?

I don't, detective.

Once you cut into a human body, it's
hard to stop. Also, Mr.

Lindsay didn't die from drowning.

Now, he died from electrocution.

And since no electric device was found
near the body, one can only conclude it

was murder.

Murder, murder, murder.

I don't recall murdering anyone today.

Well, I'm going to have to ask all of
you what your relationship was with the

deceased. Well, we all hated him.

Yeah, he was going to take over Amy's
show, you know, unless we did something

about it. We wanted him gone for good.

Well, I found him charming, Detective,
aside from the fact that he was a threat

to my livelihood.

Is that all, Detective?

Detective, mind if we speak privately in
public?

Take the floor.

I'll have you know I'm a bit of an
armchair detective, detective.

As such, I've assembled a list of
suspects as well as motives so we can

this case buttoned up. Okay.

Number one, Amy Sedaris. What? And why
she is thirsty for attention and she'll

do anything to stay on top.

Number two,

Chassie Tucker.

Long criminal history, short to a memory
loss.

Her sexual advances were rebuffed, and
she lashed out in the only way she

Murder! Number three... That's a long
list, Miss Hogg.

Leslie Hogg!

Isn't that your husband?

Well, it pains me to say it, but if the
saddle shoe fits, then so be it.

And, Hogg, why do you think your husband
would commit a murder?

He's killed half my houseplants. Who
knows what he's capable of?

All right, well, that's absolutely
fascinating. But I've discovered a

suspects myself.

I found this in the waste receptacle
near the crime scene.

Can you get a close -up on that, Larry?

See what it says there.

Well, I haven't used that mixer in
years.

I'm a hand whisker myself. Feel my
forearm.

Tight as a drum.

It's not that tight. Oh, I found it
along with this oven mitt.

I just got the carpet cleaning bill from
your autopsy. You couldn't put down

plastic? You couldn't have high -weight
floors?

We'll be right back.

The big game is about to start. My
guests are gathered to root for their

favorite sportsman's team. To announce
the table spread, local legendary

sportscaster Chad Chutney.

Starting off the pack, we have a buffalo
dip, followed closely by artichoke,

running neck and neck with blue cheese,
spicy wings and non -spicy wings, and

ring of meat.

But hold on, coming around the corner is
cheese plate, grape, habari, and

manchego. I'm bringing up the rear ribs.

Oops, yeah.

It's coming back.

Thank you, Chad.

Mind if I hang out for the big game?

Ooh, we're sort of short on wings. I
hope your team chokes and then you do,

Chad Chutney, everybody.

It's game time.

Anything?

Nothing yet. My father would hit it with
his feet.

Oh, is that it? Oh!

Sorry to interrupt your game, but I have
an announcement to make.

You looking for me, detective?

Yeah, why don't you have a seat? You
might want to hear this.

Oh, olive.

That's good.

Oh.

Mmm. You know, I have to tell you, I
love a black olive, but, you know, the

always land up in my pockets. Look at
that.

Guilty. I had two already this morning
with my black coffee.

Now, let me see here. Mr.

Mr. Linseed returned to his green room.
He had a discussion with his manager. Is

that correct?

It is.

Now, his manager left the room and Mr.
Linseed alone walked to the sink to

remove his foundation.

Makeup, stage makeup, clown makeup,
right?

Mm -hmm. Now, I believe Mr.

Linseed washed his face, the murderer
snuck up behind him while wearing an

mitt to avoid prints. Very smart, very
clever.

dropped this old appliance, you can see
here, avocado green, into the water. The

killer retrieved the mixer and dropped
it and the oven mitt into the trash bag.

So who's the killer, detective?

Well, I checked Mr.

Linseed's wallet to see if there was a
robbery, right?

But he had $180 on him.

Closer inspection, I found this bank
slip showing he withdrew $200 from a

banking machine right before his
appearance.

It's got stains on it, but this is it.

I'll have things.

Then it hit me. The amount that was
missing.

Ten percent.

Now, who among us would feel entitled to
ten percent?

Chelsea! Chelsea. Oh, I'll pass.

Good work, detective.

But can you blame me?

I was there from the beginning.

I discovered him.

I nurtured him.

And then I found out he was going to
throw me aside for another better agent.

I'm off the hook.

But there's something you missed,
Detective.

I'm not just Mr. Linseed's manager.

I'm also... his

manager's twin.

Oh, I didn't see that coming.

I'm too old for this shit.

You look great.

Thanks, Jess.

We'll be right back.

Well, the big game is over and the team
won.

I did learn something today. A good
hostess doesn't let a murder get in the

of a great game day party.

Unless, of course, they're the one who's
murdered.

Good night.

I have a feeling everything's gonna work
out fine.

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