Original subtitles

Tonight,

first date on the very special At Home with Amy Sedaris.

I don't know what's up with that guy.

On tonight's program, First Dates, we'll cover what to make, who to wear, where

to wash, and what to leave alone.

Now, you may be asking, Amy, what do you know about First Dates? Funny you

should ask. I've been involved in a very romantic letter correspondence with a

gentleman stranger.

To give you a taste, I'll read you his first letter.

Okay, I'll put my glasses on.

All righty, here we go.

Dear Amy Sedaris, hello.

I recently saw your program in the common room and I felt I must write you.

name is Tom Jefferson and I am a citizen of America, so that is of no concern.

My occupation is that of a legal employee of a real company.

I have so many questions.

What are your hobbies?

How many televisions do you own? Do you have access to family money?

Please write back and send pictures of your address.

I know this seems early, but could this be love?

TJ. My goodness.

We'll find out the answer tonight.

Because TJ and I will be having our first date on this very television

Ratings! There is so much to do before our first date arrives.

To kick things off, setting the mood, I asked my good neighbor, an annual winner

of Garden of the Month, to arrange a flower bouquet.

Patty. Hog.

Hello, Amy, and welcome me.

Hello, Patty. So tell us, what is the perfect arrangement for a first date?

Well, for the first date, it's important to put together an arrangement that is

festive enough to set the mood, but modest enough to say, keep your hands

I can see them, I have boundaries.

I can't wait to see.

It is a mixed love mutt. It suggests to your suitor that you are loyal,

obedient, and ready to be domesticated. That is a doorbell.

Now, Amy Lou, I have to ask, what do you know about first aid?

Well, I know I'm a professional woman, but I still have thoughts of settling

down and even maybe having a baby.

A baby?

Oh, Amy Lou, that train left the station years ago and then derailed and

careened into a canyon.

Okay.

I can always count on you for a hearty laugh. Imagine a mature woman like you

pregnant. You know, I put my money on that poodle arrangement having a litter

before you.

I've got to go, Amy Lou. I have a date to get my bushes sheared.

Fatty hog, everybody.

Oh, Lord.

When making dinner for a first date, the most important factor to consider is

time. You don't want to tie yourself up in the kitchen preparing your meal when

you could be using that time preparing your you.

So how does one make an impressive meal in the least amount of time?

The answer, Plop Plop Meals. And I make mine using a Flickr 3000, another proud

sponsor of the At Home with Amy Sedaris program.

Rusty? Tender chunky duck.

Boiling hot meat mix.

And Tennessee rump cooked in its own water.

It's Plop Plop Meals, made in the Flickr 3000 from JoJoCo.

Hi, I'm female entrepreneur JoJo Galloway, inventor of the Flickr 3000.

When you're a career woman like me with an active love life, you don't have time

to spend in the kitchen cooking meals.

That's why I created the Flickr 3000 and the Plop Plop Meals recipe booklet with

over nine meals that you can make in just minutes.

Watch how easy.

For Cajun Tang chicken, plop in a couple of boneless breasts.

Add the Cajun Tang Plop Powder packet.

a can of root beer, and a fistful of salt. And that's it.

Plop, plug, and prance away.

How does the Flickr 3000 cook so fast?

Its electrical components are manufactured in a country without laws.

exposed coil technology, which heats up your food at temperatures not normally

available in this country.

Order now and you'll receive two dozen replacement fuses and a smother blanket.

I've got my meal cooking, my flower arrangement arranged. So what's next?

Well, nothing sets a romantic mood quite like candles.

We're going to make perfect candle holders. So if you would, join me in the

craft room.

Beads and things and glitter and strings.

Glue and sew and buttons and bows.

At the beginning of each new season, as a reward for avoiding major fines by the

FCC, the network gives the show a bonus to apply in any way I see fit.

Now, I put a lot of thought into the best way to use that money.

Should I give the staff a pay bump or pay for lead paint removal in the guest

screen room?

Well, I'm happy to announce this year I got an elevator.

A top -notch, state -of -the -art elevator.

Personal private elevator.

Now, today, we will be making real hobnob glass candles by gluing a variety

dried beans to a glass and then painting them.

Now, where are my dried beans? Last time I saw them... Oh, I know. Just one

minute, please.

Oh, my goodness.

Wait a minute. What am I doing? I have a personal elevator. Why would I take the

stairs when I get there by standing?

Go?

Ready? Yes.

Second floor, please. Going up.

One minute.

I may get through two hit seasons without an elevator.

Helping me today with this craft is my assistant, Pooja.

Well, you didn't congratulate me on my new elevator yet, Pooja.

Congratulations.

I'm sure you're overjoyed to see that your bonus check has been well spent.

Let's get crafting, shall we? Now, would you please grab the peas?

Sure. This is a terrific craft for the elderly because it's tactile. What in

absolute hell do you think you're doing? I was just going to go get them.

In my private elevator, you're not. You take the service stairs.

Oh, my goodness.

That's bold.

Oh, just forget it. I'll get it myself.

I

got

him. What are you doing?

Are you trying to make me look bad?

Is that what you're trying to do?

Why do I hire you? Oh, that's right, because nobody else will.

Do you want me to bring them back up? I want you to disappear from my life,

Pooja. Okay.

Unbelievable.

Okay, Pooja.

Glue the beans and the peas to the side of a candle right here. We took a jar.

You're going to glue them to this. It's not as simple as it sounds, okay?

Glue, apply, dry, paint. Understand?

Got it. Now I better get these peas back to their container.

When we return, more preparation for my big day.

When it comes to dinner dates, it's my belief that a meal is only as good as

face that serves it. That's why I'm here with my good friend, Chassie Tucker,

who's here to punch up my face and give us some smart makeup tips along the way.

Now, Chassie, what do I need to do?

You... Would you mind peeing in this cup for me?

What? Please, just pretend it's a tiny toilet.

Chassie, I don't know what kind of trouble you got yourself into, but I am

bailing you out. You have to learn how to fend for yourself.

But I... Fend.

For yourself.

You should be the mad one.

Preparation is the key to a successful first date. So I've asked first date

expert and local life man Tony Pagnolotti here to give us some

Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on. It's always a pleasure.

So, Tony, what makes you such an expert on first dates? Well... They rarely go a

second round. I see.

Well, why don't you take us through the process? Okay. First, keep it casual.

I'm not looking for a proposal on a first date, although I do require a

pledge. Okay, I see. Look, I could regale you all night about my expertise

first phase courting, but it's not going to stick unless you put it into

practice. So what do you say we role play a first date, you and me? Oh!

Don't be nervous. I'll guide you through it, okay? Okay, all right.

Oh, hi.

I'm Amy. It's so nice to meet you.

How old are you?

Okay, listen, I've got an idea. Why don't we have a seat at this restaurant

table and order some food, shall we?

Oh, my.

Okay.

I've got a lot of specials.

Mmm, the lasagna looks good.

Oh, don't you think that's a little pricey?

Oh, yeah, right. Maybe I'll just get a salad.

Oh, hello.

I'll have the house salad and some water.

Uh... How about you, Tony?

Why don't you come back? I'm not quite ready.

Okay.

Well, Tony, what do you like to do for fun? I, uh... Would you get a thing for

that waiter?

What? The waiter. I'm not stupid. I can see how you're leering at him.

You're talking about the one we made up? Flashing him your flirty smile and big

old can.

I promise you I have no interest in that waiter. Don't embarrass me. Here he

comes with that stupid salad you ordered.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, that looks good.

Could I... Could I have some? Oh, sure. Help yourself.

Wow, you ordered well.

Oh.

Oh, cheese, huh? Fresh. I barely recognize it anymore.

Mmm.

Mm -hmm. Smells delicious.

Oh, what's that?

Pepper flakes? Pepper flakes. I see it now.

Oh, good.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness gracious. Look at the time. Well, this has been just lovely,

I have to go.

Tony Paglalata, everybody.

While I make some final date preparations, let's take a quick visit

in the woods.

Could I see you again?

No.

Deep in the forest a lady lives In a small house that is made of twigs She's

earthy and simple and mostly plain And what you don't know she will try to

explain She bathes in a creek and she sleeps on a cot Feasting on mushrooms

apricots Her bathroom's a hole in the dirt that she dug Her friend's a raccoon

and a slimy spring slug She's a lady who lives in the woods

Thank you, Amy, and hello, and welcome to The Lodge. I'm Ruth, and this is my

life associate, Esther.

Because the topic of today's show is about sexual attraction, I thought it

be fascinating to look at the courting habits of the animal kingdom.

Doesn't that sound fascinating, Esther?

Does it?

Esther is a little touchy today because I will not agree to her request for a

television, so she's watching our painting of a horse.

The peacock.

During the courting ritual, the male peacock displays an array of fanciful

feathers in order to attract a female.

But I find flashy plumage isn't always the best allurement. The better draw

might be a simple and restrained plumage, a no -nonsense plethora of

browns and beiges.

You see, Esther, only the shallow bird is attracted to the fleeting garishness

of the harlequin's feathers.

I'm dying here. I want to claw my eyes out.

Here's an idea. How about we build a kaleidoscope? We can use a small,

-out log, a polished seashell, iridescent river rocks. I'm having fun

talking about it. Here's another idea.

I'm going to a sports bar. They have a TV.

Well, this was fun.

Thank you for joining us on our discussion of animal courtship. We'll

next time at the lodge.

It looks like it's just you and me, Artemis.

She's a lady who lives in the woods.

Thank you, Ruth and Esther. My date should be here any minute, so I'm going

apply a delicate homemade soup of scents. Now, where did I put my hole of

Bay? Oh, I know where. It's upstairs.

Everything's upstairs these days.

Go.

I'll listen to some music.

Mmm,

I love this movie.

Well, that's funny.

I never heard of something mechanical breaking down.

Please. Oh, Chassie!

Oh, Chassie, hi. I'm so glad it's you. Look at me.

My date will be here at any moment, and I'm stuck in my exquisite state -of -the

-art personal elevator.

Well, well.

I wish I could help you, Amy, but a very smart friend of mine insisted that I

should fend for myself.

Oh, come on, Chassie. You know what I meant.

No, no, no, no.

A fender's fend should be fended through the fending of the fender.

Not through the fens of the friend of the fending fender, for that would

the fens of the fender fendless.

I'm sorry, have I offended you? Chessie, I'll give you all the urine you want.

I already got it from a German shepherd. And while it was drug -free, the court

now thinks I have mange.

So thanks for nothing.

Oh, come on, Chessie. I'll give you a stool sample.

Chessie!

Oh, come on. We interrupt this radio cast for an emergency bulletin. A

from the Research Triangle Minimum Security Correctional Facility has

In other news, there is a national recall issued for the Flickr 3000 Quick

Hello?

Hey, hello.

Tom? Yeah.

Oh, it's my date. I'm saved.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back. If you're just joining us, I'm dressed to the nines, my date has

arrived, and I'm trapped in my own private elevator.

Help!

Seriously, help!

Up here!

Amy Setters?

Tom! We finally meet face to face.

Wow, you're just as handsome as you insisted you were in all those letters.

Oh, here, let me get your coat.

Oh, that's right.

Why are you in a cage?

Oh, this?

Oh, it's a little embarrassing.

Not the fact that I own a personal elevator. That's enviable.

But the fact that I'm stuck in it. It's crazy.

Well, I wanted a memorable first date story, and now I've got one.

So, should you get me out of here now so we can start the first night of the

rest of our lives?

I'm thinking about it.

Oh, okay. Well, when you're done thinking about it, there's a tall ladder

ladder closet and a few more ladders out in the ladder shed.

Did this ever happen to you?

Things just kind of fall into place without any effort on your part, you

what I mean?

Circumstances just sort of smile down.

What are you getting at, Tom?

How can I put this?

Let's say you want to go duck hunting.

So you grab your gun, your hat with the flaps, you walk out the cabin door

toward the lake, and there at your feet...

You find a plump old duck sitting in a cage.

I wouldn't know. You know, I don't eat duck. I prefer something more gamey. So

why don't we stop joking around, because there's an ex -convict roaming around

the research triangle area, and I just really want to be held by a man and told

not to worry.

Oh.

I've been planning this for months.

Oh.

Sitting in my cell, marking days.

I knew I needed a place to lay low once I broke out, so I watched the TV looking

for some lonely old lady I could befriend.

And then I saw you.

I checked your ratings. No one watches this.

So I knew this would be a safe place to hide out.

What about all those people?

None of you better say a word!

Looks like you and me are gonna be roomies.

Please!

It's just you and me.

Hey, you got the ladies in the cage.

Oh, and Lenny.

Oh, no.

I'm your animal.

No, please,

no. Don't touch on those crabs.

All right, Lenny, Lenny.

Let's go get some chow, huh?

I know what I'm going to get for dessert.

to my special meal.

No, stay away from that table.

Oh, look at this. She got it all set up for your date.

Oh, look at this.

We got shrimp with a dipping sauce.

Oh, you can drink gravy.

What are you doing?

Butter beans and mushy peas.

That table had...

Wait a minute.

It occurs to me this meal is nothing but sides, you know, accompaniments.

No, no, that's it.

That's the whole meal, guys.

You holding out on me, sister?

Where's the main course?

I'll never tell you.

And you'll never have the satisfaction of eating that main entree.

is a luxury personal elevator for a woman of means.

Secondly, I'm in danger.

I'm stuck in this elevator, and I need to get out.

Well, geez, what can I do?

You can call the police.

Why, well, I'll do it, but I'm not giving them my name.

With all those open containers in my...

I gotta help a lady stuck in an elevator.

You're in luck. I'm the elevator repairman.

Problem solved.

Check it off my list.

It's Friday night.

I'm gonna get drunk.

Yeah. I'm gonna get late. All right.

That was real stupid.

Now, you're gonna pay, old lady.

Oh, please, I beg of you. Hear me? Not the bruised. You're gonna pay.

Why don't you stay put till I get back?

Oh, no.

Don't eat that entree.

It's all cold and everything.

Was the bucket plugged in?

I think so.

Hey, maybe it's the juice.

Oh, here's the juice box.

I'll switch it.

It's not the worst first date I've ever had. We'll be right back.

Well, nobody ever said jumping back in the dating pool would be easy after 39

years of flying solo.

But even though things didn't work out perfectly with Tom, I learned an

important lesson.

Some people die alone.

In other news, I... decided to return the elevator and the Flickr 3000 and use

the money for something a little bit more practical, like motorized slippers.

Living room!