Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard At Home with Amy Sedaris, episode 301. We

know you have a variety of entertainment options, so we thank you for choosing

us. Total program time is expected to last 24 minutes, but as always, we'll

to get you in a little early.

At this time, we'd like to extend a special welcome back to our season one

two viewers. We appreciate your loyalty.

We're set to take off momentarily, so sit back and relax for this very special

At Home with Amy Sedaris. Tonight, travel.

Let's roll!

Oh, hello, or bien verdurchi. Welcome to my special episode on travel.

I was just taking this opportunity to organize my vast international oven mitt

collection. Now, if you watched my Mother's Day special, you already know

committed isolationist, except in instances of forcibly annexing new

territories. But I'm willing to sacrifice those values for free things.

Which is why I have great news for you. I'm going on an all -expense -paid

cruise. Thank you. In exchange for promoting them on my show, Royal Pompeii

Adventures has invited me to set sail on their maiden voyage to the Federland

Islands. So let's get my side of the agreement over with and get to the

sponsored content.

Please welcome Captain Benton Sides.

Welcome, Captain.

Ahoy there, Amy.

I'm so excited. Excited to be one of the first passengers on your maiden voyage.

Oh, it will be our great pleasure to have you aboard, Miss.

Every passenger of the Royal Pompeii of the Seas will have all the comforts of a

five -star hotel, packed into two stars.

Our chefs are always on call to provide meals of only the highest quantity,

including 48 feet of shrimp cocktail, bottomless meat, and our 24 -hour

tower. Oh, my goodness, that sounds plentiful.

You bet.

Tell us about your ship, Captain.

Certainly. Are you into history, Amy?

Because the Pompeii of the seas has a long, storied past.

She first sank during World War I, when she was the jewel of the Kaiser's navy.

It was a few years before the Soviets dredged her up and recommissioned her as

tuna barge during the Cold War.

In the intervening year, there was a couple more sinkings, and now she's

We loaded her into dry dock, patched the holes, added a shuffleboard deck, some

fresh curtains, and an impressive collection of bilge pumps.

And now she's ready for the high seas.

Fingers crossed.

I can't wait to enjoy that pudding on deck.

What else can you tell us, Captain?

Well, I could keep talking, but I know the company's lawyers would prefer I

So instead, why don't we watch this promotional film? Okay, great. Roll it!

Just look at her, won't you? The majestic Royal Pompeii.

Ten thousand magnificent tons, poised for the remotest corners of the high

The destination?

Luxury and sunshine.

All aboard, I do dare say.

Put your mind very much at ease, as our friendly porters take exquisite care of

your belongings.

Below deck, our capable stewards are hard at work, stocking the mighty vessel

with all the sumptuous comforts of land.

luxurious frozen hogs, one for every guest, 30 -gallon drums of mustards and

chutneys. These ladies are loading the flowers for the onboard funeral.

Let a lifetime of failures float away as you enjoy a splendid vermouth on the

glittering high seas.

Try your hand at the shuffling board, finish up some last -minute paperwork,

play with the ship's adorable onboard infant, available to any guest for a

deposit. And for the ladies...

Let our maritime beautician create a hairdo fit for Poseidon himself.

Yes, it's all at your fingertips now, for you have a seat on the Royal

I am ready to set sail now.

I understand your enthusiasm, but you might want to put your affairs in order

first, Amy.

Oh, okay. Well, great advice.

Captain Benton Sighs from Royal Pompeii of the Sea.

Bye -bye.

Today's show is all about travel.

And because none of you are famous enough to get a free cruise, I thought

might be fun to bring some of those exotic cultures and foods directly to

Fargistan, located suspiciously close to the Tropic of Cancer, is a remote

isthmus of arid wetlands. Their major export is garage doors.

My husband has to fix that.

I'm proud to present to you, all the way from the Borgastani Consulate down the

street, the Junior National Borgastani Government Dance Troupe.

A couple notes.

It was way too long. We got the idea at the first twirl. Secondly, who's going

to clean the scuff marks off my floor? Okay?

Okay. Great job, really.

Three of you were terrific.

Now, here to help me cook the national dish of Borgistan, please welcome Jason

Sudeikis. Get out here, Jason.

Hi. Welcome.

Hey. Thanks for having me. Yes, I'm very excited that you're here. Oh, me too.

So, Jason, what do you know about Borgistan?

Well, from what I understand, it's remote isthmus of arid wetlands. Oh,

accurate. Thank you.

So, Jason, is there anything that you want to plug while you're on the show?

boy. Where do I start?

Oh, you know what? I just got my real estate license.

Oh, wait a minute. I thought you were already selling timeshares in the

Good memory. Yes. No, that's true. I should be more specific. Yeah. No, I

got my international real estate license. Oh. So now I can sell

anywhere in the world, and this time nobody can say jack squat.

Whoa.

By the way, can I interest you and 51 of your closest friends in a beautiful two

-bedroom desert view beauty of an apartment? Let me think about it. That's

I'm asking. That's all I ask. Okay, so Jason, what are we making today?

Well, this is so delicious, Amy, and so traditional to the Borgestinian people.

Borgestine people.

Borgestinians. It's tough. It is tough, yeah. So all we need for this are some

durum wheat tubes right here, yellow milk fat solids, and then a little milk.

Okay. That's it. It's that simple. Easy peasy, Borg and Easy. You know, I have

to say, it sounds a lot like macaroni and cheese. No, no, no, no, no. No,

totally different. Totally different. Yeah. So what you want to do is you're

going to boil down your noodles. And then, of course, add your powdered

Oh. All right. And then you're going to want to put a little splash of milk.

Just like... There you go. Oh, yeah. Look at that. A little splish and a

if you ask me.

And then, remember that macaroni I said to keep around? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's

why. Because, boom!

Oh, look at that. All that junk's going in there.

Yeah. Look at that.

All right. Easy.

All right. Then we just mix that fucker up. Beautiful.

Creamy. That's gorgeous.

How about that? So what do you think? What?

About the timeshare.

I know. It's just too good of a deal to pass up, right? Listen, I promise you

I'm going to get back to you on that, okay?

That's all I ask. That's all I'm doing, okay? Okay. So what day and what time?

What? What day on the calendar and what time on the clock are you available to

check? No pressure. I just want to be available.

To you. Just work around your schedules.

Jason, listen to me. I don't want to buy a timeshare.

I don't want it.

Fine. Okay. By the way, you know what?

This is mac and cheese, okay?

I don't know what the Borgans eat.

All right? Sorry.

Jason Sudeikis, everybody.

Good day.

Good day.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

When we return, I'll set up my house sitter, show you how to pack a bag, and

learn how to survive in a foreign prison.

Come on. What do you think? It's still new, Jason. Go.

Just a second.

Could you get him off the property, please, somebody?

Welcome back.

One of the headaches we all experience when traveling is leaving our precious

ones behind. You know, plants, fish, leftovers.

To have peace of mind, it's important to set up a house sitter and create a

detailed list of what needs attention and how it should be attended to.

While I'm away on my free cruise to the Federal Islands, my friend and neighbor,

Patty Hogg, offered to keep an eye on my place.

I've asked her over so I can run through my itemized list of directions.

Please welcome Patty Hogg.

Welcome, Patty.

I am happy to help out, Amy Lou.

This is how it's gonna go.

Number first.

No plant can be more than 12 paces from a water source. You're going to have to

rearrange some of these pots or some of your plumbing.

And let me tell you something, Amy Lou. I do not do bonsais. I don't trust a

tiny tree.

Patty. I'm just getting started.

I'm a subject of mail.

I will not be responsible for sorting. I will not cut packages from the porch.

I will not handle catalogs, magazines, phone books, or digest.

As for my various home duties, I do not clean.

I do not turn lights on.

I do not turn lights off. I do not set clocks ahead. I do not set clocks back.

will not reach or bend.

All items I tend to must be at hip level.

Now, Amy Lou, this is a waiver releasing me from any and or all responsibilities

of the deceasement of any plant or animal under my supervision.

Sign here.

Initial here.

Fingerprint here. I can wait on blood work.

Are we done?

We are not.

This needs to be notarized.

Notarized? Notarized.

Wait. Barry, my accountant is a notary.

Barry!

Barry, Lynn.

Oh, can you notarize this for me?

Oh, you're the best.

Well, I hope after all this, my house is in good hands.

Yes, in the capable hands of my assistant, Nutmeg.

Nutmeg?

Thanks a lot, Patty.

That's what neighbors are for.

Did I mention I'm going on a free cruise to the Federlands?

I thought it might be a good idea to learn a bit more about this exotic

location. I'll see you in the craft room.

and glitter and string, glue and sew and buttons and bows.

I'm so excited to introduce to you, all the way from the Federal and Islands,

please welcome Ingrid Fiorkin. Welcome, Ingrid!

The orphan. That means I'm standing here in my language.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Is Fetterlandish one of the romance languages?

Actually, it's a hostility language.

Many conflicts have occurred because of our language. Oh, and why is that?

So many of our words have two meanings.

Oh, you mean like a bear or soul?

Yeah, exactly.

For example, in our language, one word means both breakfast and liar. And

another word means both father and disease.

And one of our words means look out as well as you're fine.

Well, can't your nation do something about it? We tried, but the phrase we

should do something about this also means stay the course.

Now, Ingrid, I can't help but notice next to you is a doll?

Oh, him.

In our culture, these little people are called firkinfo.

Magical and mischievous stewards of nature who live in the trees and pass

judgment on all who go before them.

But, of course, we don't take this folklore too seriously. Oh, well, he is

adorable.

Show him reverence and courtesy.

I'm sorry?

Well, he must have the highest status in the room. My goodness, well, it seems

like you do take this seriously. No, no, we just pretend for the kids. Don't

look him in the eye. Okay, okay.

Listen, why don't we talk about this shawl?

Well, Amy, in the Federland, we are known for our hand -knitted shawls.

Each family clan has developed its own unique stitch and specific patterns.

That's where we can identify our dead.

Oh, well, can't you tell by their faces?

Well, most Federlanders die from mauling.

We have a large Wolverine population.

Okay, well, thank you so much, Ingrid. I look forward to visiting your lovely

country. Okay,

coming up next, we are heading over to the library.

Meeting Ingrid today reminds me.

I'm afraid of foreigners.

Since I'll be traveling abroad, I thought it would be a good idea to have

local knife man, Tony Pugnalata, give us tips on how to stay safe from people

who are different than us.

Welcome, Tony.

Thank you, Amy.

Now, Tony, you're a man of the world, for instance. You didn't grow up in the

Research Triangle, did you?

That's correct.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about your childhood?

Oh, I'd rather not.

That would bring up some pretty unpleasant memories that are tragic and

and if they were to resurface, it would reduce your viewing audience to tears.

Also, it might be fun.

All right, I'll do it.

C 'era una volta.

Veniamo da un paesino piccolo e da bambino provavo ammirazione per il mio

Lui era un ciabattino, un calzolaio di successo, ma per i cavalli,

intendiamoci, non fabbricava feri di cavallo, faceva proprio delle scarpe

le nostra, ma...

Per i cavalli. I cavalli indossavano le scarpe fatte da mio padre durante la

festa di San Genesio in piazza. Come i bambini ridevano un sacco quando hanno

visto i cavalli impacciati.

Diviene famoso come l 'uomo del clop -clop. In tutta la ragione, sì.

Ma con la fama arrivano anche i guai.

Il capo di tutti i capi locali mi rifiuto di pronunciare il suo nome.

Voleva a tutti i costi che il mio padre gli rendesse omaggio, ma lui si

rifiuto. E quell 'uomo ancora non fare il suo nome.

Okay, please, just say it or skip the part about the crime boss, okay? You're

ruining my carpet.

Oh my

goodness,

Tony, that is an amazing story.

What was the name of your village?

Detroit.

Yep, right here on the Met. We also had a cottage up on the UP.

It was a pretty nice childhood, really. Oh, my goodness. I mean, except for the

horseshoe stuff, which really wasn't so bad for me.

Right. Okay.

So, Tony, have you ever traveled abroad?

Nope, no desire.

Okay, so maybe you're not the best person to ask for staying safe when

abroad. Oh, no, the approach is the same wherever you go. You know, no matter

what country you're in, the state...

You just wave one of these around in front of your face. Wherever you go,

stay away from you.

I see. Okay. Well, thank you, Tony.

Tony Pagnolotta, everyone.

So, I now have my trusty cleaver and my traditional Federlin shawl. When we

return, I'll get some packing tips from my friend Chassie Tucker.

So, what language was that, Tony?

Welcome back. As you can see, I've got my breakfast hat, my deck hat, my formal

hat, and my bunk hat. To get this to fit into my suitcase, I've enlisted the

help of my well -traveled friend.

Please welcome Chassie Tucker.

So, Chassie, what valuable packing tips do you have?

What do you mean?

Well, let's imagine you're leaving the country to go on a trip. What would you

pack? Well, first of all, I need to know who's chasing me. Is it the

authorities? Is it a former lover? Is it the jealous wife of a former lover who

now works for the authorities?

I need to know the level of urgency.

Jesse, no one's chasing you. Well, then why do I have to leave the country? You

don't have to leave. You want to leave. It's like a vacation.

Just to be clear...

I'm not leaving the country, nor am I open to even discussing leaving the

country, because that would suggest that I am a flight risk, which I know would

be upsetting to my parole officer, as well as violate the terms of my parole.

main focus currently is on re -becoming a productive member of society.

Amy, just lift the tickets from my purse, create a diversion, and I'll meet

at the terminal.

See, I don't have any tickets for you to go anywhere.

Of course you don't. What?

All right, Chassie, take us through it. Well, first you want to pack the decoy

bag. Decoy? Yeah, you know, the one you can leave behind at the hostel.

The one that's safe for the policia to rummage through. You know, it has all

usual junk.

A couple shirts, a pair of pants, and one of these, um... Oh, not mouth comb.

Oh, gosh, my mom had one of these. What, um... A toothbrush?

Toothbrush, toothbrush, yes.

Just make sure that it has someone else's DNA on it. Open, say open.

Okay.

Now, the important stuff. I'm talking cash.

I'm talking prescriptions. I'm talking small weapons, you would. Put another

bag. Transport.

Prison style.

Up my ass. Okay, I'm going to take over. Okay. All right? Wait a minute.

Why are you packing a gingham tablecloth? Those are for underpants.

I like them a little roomy.

Wow. A floral parachute.

Those are also my underpants.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, let me guess.

Oh, it's a sleeping bag for a manatee.

Oh! My ship to the Federal Island is boarding. We gotta go.

This is exciting.

So exciting.

Okay. Get my hat.

Get my hat.

Hurry,

Amy. You're going to be late.

You could help me, Chassie. I just had my nails done.

They look like they always do. I said they were done. I still have to go pick

them up.

Hello, sailor.

Hold on, boys.

It's way weak.

Hello,

Amy. Now, before we set sail, I should be quite honored if you would

in our christening ceremony.

Oh, I'd be happy to. Wonderful. But first, a poem from locally renowned poet

man of words, Sir Michael Stipe.

Churning and churlish, blackened brine swell, a tempestuous gray lady

to quell.

Treacherous and cold, she's dismal and vast.

But why metaphorically female?

The sea, you might ask?

At the considerable risk of me seeming petty, I'll now bear my soul, and I'll

it already.

Aunt Janice would sit me when I was a boy. She was strict with the bedtime and

short. with the toys, a stickler for vegetables, homework, and baths. Clean

whole plate. Practice your math.

So when I say perilously sullen with a soul black as anise, am I describing the

sea or speaking of Janice?

It's Janice.

Thank you, Michael, for that stirring tribute to the sea.

What a gift you have for capturing in words the majesty of the big, watery

place.

And now, Amy, before you do the honors, please welcome Her Majesty Queen Sigrid

of the Fetterland Islands, soon to be the oldest living monarch.

Oh.

Moved along, Your Highness, we have a schedule.

Okay.

Was a terrible omen.

This bodes very poorly for our journey.

Oh, well. Must be off. Let's head sail.

All aboard!

Ready the engines, men!

Amy Lou!

We came to shove you off!

Oh, Amy.

How I envy you.

I'd give a shiny little doll to be back on the high seas.

The salt on my face. The salt on the rim of my margaritas.

The salt of the sweat of the shirtless men in the boiler room?

Now, Amy, as a seafaring man, I want to give you some sailing advice.

Although this is a pleasure cruise, you must keep your mind occupied so as to

avoid sea madness.

Oh, I know, Amy. After hours and hours on the open sea, the unchanging seascape

does strange things to a human psyche.

They say a man meets his true self at sea, and he might not like what he

Or, in my case, he might love it.

Thank you, Leslie.

I'll miss you all.

Don't eat the shrimp and don't bring back any diseases.

Amy, you look horrible from this angle.

Why do people leave where they are?

How does she look from the deck?

Why, she's gorgeous.

She's a grand old ship.

She's a slow cruising ship and long on the way may she sail.

She will never sink into the drain.

She's solid from bone to her tail.

She's a great big boat, a big giant boat. She's always on top of the

wave. She doesn't need my boat.

She'll always float and will never need to be.

I'm surprised I made it that far.

Well, not every trip goes as planned, but at least we had an adventure.

Sure, this one had a good number of casualties, but that was mostly from the

shrimp buffet.

But it does answer some burning questions.

Would I do it again?

Probably not.

But am I happy I did it once?

Certainly not. Have I been rowing in the wrong direction for the past week? A

resounding yes.

Have I been subsisting solely on my own urine and gall meat?

That's a yes with a second power.

At least I haven't succumbed to sea madness. Have I, Orson?

Good night.