Original subtitles

Christ is missing.

Where did he go?

The Lord has vanished.

Nothing to show.

Just my little brow and that old burial shroud.

He left me no clue.

Now what will we do?

How shall we commemorate this day?

Watch Easter Bunny zip and zoom, hopping by the sacred tomb. Now we know that

Easter's on its way.

With baskets full of toys and treats, marshmallow chips that taste so sweet,

enormous bunny to celebrate the day.

Welcome to the At Home with Amy Sedaris, a very special Easter special.

Easter has always been one of the holidays, certainly as long as I can

It brings back so many memories.

Baskets of jelly beans, bonnets of marshmallow chicks, and, of course, the

Easter Day Massacre of 1931.

Two rival gangs vying for control of the Research Triangle Gang Town District.

Easter is about more than murder.

It also marks the arrival of spring flowers, baby animals, plastic grass,

one more thing, brunch with the relatives from out of town.

Tonight, my older twin sister, Colleen, who I haven't seen since she moved

abroad, will be joining us for a festive meal of country ham, city biscuits, and

a suburban vegetable medley. Also on the menu for today's show, Easter crafts.

And of course, eggs.

We'll boil them, decorate them, and then hide them. from children as part of my

traditional Easter egg hunt. But before we do any of that, why don't we check in

on that ham?

Mmm.

I couldn't find the key to the can. I thought it best to get it cooked, then

deal with getting the ham out. And it will be worth the wait, because this

canned ham isn't just any canned ham. It's a Captain Briny's ham, who is also

the sponsor of my show today. Captain Briny's. When you serve ham, don't just

serve any ham. Serve the ham that refreshes. Watch.

Hey, honey. How was your Easter run?

The only thing rising today is my heart rate. I could really use some water.

Why don't you have some ham?

Like processed meat? I just ran 40 miles.

It's not just any ham. It's Captain Briney's ham, the ham that refreshes.

Captain Briney's? Yes, Captain Briney's.

First, we select only the hammiest hunks of ham. Then our experts mechanically

form it into the shape of a can.

Next, it soaks in the brining vat, and then we cure it in a sodium vault.

And after that, the salting process begins.

So, what do you think?

Sounds salty. I think I'll just have some water. Just try a big mouth.

That is refreshing.

You know, I'm going to go in the basement and do my Easter sit -ups. And

taking this ham with me. Don't you dare, mister. I said I'm taking the ham!

Captain Briney is brackishly delicious.

Now an extra salty.

Thank you, Captain Briney. I'm just going to take a moment to admire this

of a chicken made from eggshells.

I like this craft because it's humiliating to the chicken.

Crafting, or scissoring, is the art of getting in the ass with a glue stick.

This is Crafting Corner.

Beads and things and glitter and strings, glue and sew and buttons and

Today we are making one of my favorite Easter crafts.

And to help me do it, please welcome my assistant, Pooja.

Easter is, of course, a celebration of the rebirth of Jesus.

And Pooja, when you think of Jesus, what do you think of?

Uh, die for our sins. No.

son of god not even close i'll give you a hint look at my face now what does

this make you think of

True. Beard. Yes, correct.

Beard. When you think of Jesus, you think of beard.

That's why today we will be crafting Jesus beards. Right here. You can get a

close -up of that, Larry.

These are perfect for pageants, library enactments, children's playtime, or just

lounging around before bed or by the pool. They're very simple to make.

for 40 days and 40 nights, you're going to gather all your hair from your

hairbrush. This is mine, just from 8 to 9 a .m.

This is a plan of headcraft. That's what we call it.

And I like to store my previous hair harvests in peanut jars right here or

mayonnaise jars.

Is that all your hair?

No, Pooja, because my hair crop is meager. I go down to the kennel on

and I supplement it with dog fur. Most of this is a terrier mix.

The next step is to apply to your chin area using two -sided tape right here.

Now, I'll be using Pooja here as my beard model. Why don't you go ahead and

start applying that toupee tape?

Oh, my goodness. I never noticed you got a head start.

Quite a little peach fuzz you have. there now before i apply the hair i

the material into three piles or as jesus would say three mounds and then

going to apply them and build them out okay so apply that there like so see how

it sticks to the actual tape all right do a little bit there this really brings

out your eyes yeah okay and a little bit there Okay, so I want to be able to see

you talk.

I can't believe I'm saying that. Okay, there you have it. A perfect Easter

craft. Jesus Beard. Thank you, Cujo.

Let's head over to the kitchen to talk butter lambs.

Aren't these adorable?

You know, when I was a child, our Easter table was always adorned with butter

lambs. Now you can go the easy route and buy them from a store, or you can make

it really special and carve it yourself.

Look at that.

Gosh, I feel good. I feel like I did something today.

Uh -oh.

Butter lambs? It's either Easter or I've stumbled into a dairy -based

petting zoo.

Colleen. Oh.

All right, everybody. This is my special guest, my older twin sister, Colleen.

Yes, older by only a couple of hours.

I was wedged in there pretty good. I can't believe it.

I'm home.

I grew up here. Oh, no.

Actually, this is the studio where I shoot my TV show. Oh, I guess I'm just

excited to see you that the memories are flooding back.

Oh, gosh.

I remember my 12th birthday party. Oh, Colleen, where... Nobody came. You know,

you went around the neighborhood telling the kids that I had just gotten a glass

eye. And then they all came over.

But all they wanted was to poke my eye with a stick. Oh, well, that was a long

time ago, and you're here now. I am. I'm here.

Everything's going to be all right.

I'm smiling. We're family.

Tradition.

Have you heard from him? Huh? Well, no. What do you mean? He's your husband.

Weren't you abroad together?

Oh, of course. Of course. Douglas.

Right. He decided to stay abroad a little bit longer, and I decided to stay

little less longer.

But don't worry. He'll come around. He always does.

It's not because of your drinking, is it, Colleen? Oh, Amy!

Always the big sister.

Well, you are the older one.

Well, regardless, I have my drinking under control. Good to hear it.

I don't need it.

And I don't want it. Great.

Are those rum balls?

Yes, Grandma's recipe is just a little bit of honey and two pints of rum. Are

you hungry?

Oh! Oh, no. No, no, no. I ate on the bus. But come here, come here. Give your

sister a hug. Oh, it's so good to see you. Yes.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back to my special Easter show special.

My twin sister Colleen is here, and she is helping me prepare Easter brunch.

So, what are we doing, Amy?

We are making the perfect centerpiece. Do you remember when we were kids, we

used to make cattails? Oh, did you say cattails? Oh, cattails for the

centerpiece, remember?

We would get rocks glasses, we would use cans as shakers, and then we would raid

Dad's liquor cabinet, and we would have lunch meetings.

No, that's still cocktails. I said cat -tails.

Oh. How did that go? Oh, come on. Remember, it was fun. What you do is use

of baby corn, a plate of cinnamon, construction paper to make the grass,

wooden skewers.

First thing you're going to do is you're going to pluck some corn from the jar

like so, and you're going to roll it in the cinnamon. If you can get a close -up

of this, Larry, you can also use allspice or curry, whatever it is that's

color. You're going to take a wooden skewer that's pointy on one side, and

you're going to insert it in the base of the Chinese corn.

Oh, I just love this craft.

You're going to set it aside like so.

Try one. You just love telling people what to do, don't you? I'm sorry? Why do

you have to control my life?

Why do you have to tell me how and where to roll it? You know what? I'm the big

sister. Okay.

I'm sorry.

It's been a long trip. I think I need to freshen up.

Uh, could I use your liquor room? I'm sorry? Your lady's room. Oh, sure. It's

right through there.

Okay, just turn at the wet bar. Ah, okay. I'll be right back.

Okay.

It's just a nasty!

Oh, well, hello, Patty.

Up to you, nasty.

Christ has risen. Indeed, he has.

Ha! You know, the Greeks dye their eggs red to represent the color of Jesus'

blood. And they also celebrate a week later so they can save money. Greeks are

cheap. You should know.

Sedari, you're not fooling anyone.

Okay, is there a reason you're here, Patty?

Yes, I brought your Easter centerpiece from my yard of the month. I brought you

an award -eligible bunch of my ribbon -deserving tulips grown from champion

bulbs. I've got tulip mani...

Priceless. They're going to go perfect with these.

What are those?

Well, I thought they'd look good as a centerpiece. Is it okay if they show the

spotlight with your tulip? Let me think about it. No.

Patty, they're homemade cattails.

Cattails? They look like what comes out from underneath the cattail. You know

what I'm saying?

The asshole.

Yeah, I got it. They're going to look fine together, Patty.

This is my twin sister, Colleen.

Colleen, this is my neighbor, Patty Hogg. Pleasure to make your

Oh, how we do.

Guess which one of us is older?

You by years.

Her by hours.

Close.

So what time is Easter supper?

Well, actually, it's going to be brunch and it's at 2 o 'clock. Brunch?

I've already eaten an enormous ham lunch.

You know, I gave up ham for lunch, so I went hog wild.

I had a ham hock, ham soup with peas, ham salad, ham and eggs, eggs and ham,

a hamburger.

Also, pork rind croutons with a crunch.

The crunch!

I've said too much. I've said too much. Well, Patty, it's traditional to have an

Easter brunch.

But two o 'clock? Amy Lou, I don't know whether to wear my daily pants or my

evening slacks. And what about the bread? The bread?

Too early for dinner rolls and too late for breakfast biscuits.

Patty, please.

While Patty and Colleen show you some other creative ways to decorate the

table, I'll try to get that ham out of the can. Take over, ladies.

Okay.

Oh, now.

The centerpiece is the anchor of the table. Without it, the brunch would

out to sea.

Of course, you could over -anchor. Here's a good example.

Toot -a -loo!

Now, that's better. Now, let me show you how to arrange various candies into

daffodil cups.

But these and those, that and this and them and there.

Okay.

Which and what?

Not this and there, them and those.

Okay, well... So, Colleen, tell me, what is it that you do -do?

Oh, I'm sort of in between jobs at the moment. And where is that you live?

I'm sort of in between houses at the moment.

I know you. What's your name?

Colleen. Colleen, that's right. I know you. I know your ilk. I've seen your

kind. You're zigzagging down the bunny trail with your Easter basket full of

secrets. Hippity -hoppity, flippity -floppity. The blackout is on its way. I

don't know what you're talking about, fatty.

It's Patty with a P.

Is it?

I'm going to go take a nap.

Oh, look at this. The table's really coming together.

Where's Colleen?

Sleeping it off.

Poor thing. With all that traveling, she must be dog tired.

And skunk drunk.

What are you getting at, Patty?

Amy Lou, I know this is a delicate matter.

But you need to wake up and smell the coffee and then drink the coffee and

yourself another cup.

Your sister is an alcoholic.

What do you know?

I know one when I see one. I go to all the meetings.

Patty, you're an alcoholic?

Oh, please. I like to keep track of who in town has a drinking problem so I can

stay out of the carpool.

Well, you're wrong, Patty, about my sister.

I apologize for this unfortunate detour on my Easter special. It is time for my

annual Easter egg hunt.

Excuse me, Patty.

I'll try.

First, I'll collect the decorated egg.

Chessie, happy Easter and perfect timing.

I need your help hiding these decorated Easter eggs.

Chessie, where did you get that baby?

Part of my new probation.

For the next six months, I can't go anywhere a baby's not allowed.

Chessie, please, I don't have the time. And had you checked the time, you would

know that it's time for my annual egg hunt.

I hate her, too.

Okay.

Let's hide some eggs.

Oh, hold on.

Right.

Jack!

Why are you holding a baby?

It's a long story, Patty.

Actually, it's a short story, but with a lot of unanswered questions.

Every year I hold my annual Easter egg hunt for the neighborhood children.

All that's left to do now is to hide the golden egg.

Let's see.

Perfect behind the couch.

Okay.

Let's let the children in.

Hey, you guys look terrific.

Adorable.

Oh, look. She's chomping at the bit. Keep a hold on her, Hickory.

Traditionally, we always let the little ones get a head start to give them a

chance. And then we let the this one come in later.

Everybody ready?

Yeah. Go.

Oh, look at them go.

Oh, Joanie, look what I have on the pillow.

Just fine, V.

Oh, look!

I'm talking to you.

It's about time somebody called you on your shit.

When we return, a visit from the Easter Bunny.

Welcome back to my Easter show special.

I'd like to start off by extending a heartfelt and on -the -record apology to

the parents of the children who were traumatized during my annual egg hunt.

gesture of goodwill, each child will go home with a free Captain Briney's ham.

It's time for brunch. To help me set the table, my good friend Chassie Tucker.

Hey there, Chassie.

Oh, hey, Amy. I got one for you. What has two thumbs and can't hold her

Oh. Your sister.

Jesse, what makes you such an expert?

Did you grow up with an alcoholic in your family? No, but my family did, so I

think I know a little something.

Well, my sister's not an alcoholic.

She just had a little drinking problem.

The problem isn't hers, Amy. It's yours.

You're an enabler.

And she's never going to stop until you stop enabling her.

I am not an enabler. Do I look like an enabler? Okay, fine, whatever.

Oh, by the way, can you watch the baby for a couple hours? I got invited to a

drug outing. Sure, no problem. Have fun.

Chessie, I am an enabler.

Oh, my gosh. Listen, Chessie, I just want to get through this Easter special

while Colleen is asleep.

Can we do that?

Can we?

Fine.

Well, for Easter brunch, we'll be setting the table with this gorgeous

china. It was a wedding gift.

You've never been married.

No, I know. It was a wedding gift for Barbara Streisand when she married

Gould. I suspected it wouldn't work out, so I kept it.

You know, so anyway. Oh, that must be my guest arriving. How do I look?

Okay, just use this china, will you? Okay, sure.

Oh, why, it's my close friends from around the neighborhood.

Come on in.

Oh, gosh, it's so great to see you all.

Hey, why don't you have a seat in the back over there so you don't block the

main cast?

I went with my afternoon dungarees. Do that.

Okay. Please sit.

Everybody, there you go. Henry?

Father?

Oh, I've got a full bladder. First, I'd like to express my gratitude to you, my

good friends, Addie, Chassie, and the gang.

Now, to sing our menu today, I am proud to introduce from local church, Our Lady

of the Research Triangle Choir member, Miss Lockamy, and accompanying her on

piano, her godson, Giancarlo. Take it away, please.

Pitch it down.

Pitch it down.

Oh, that's good. That's good. Right there. Right there.

Gumdrop and rosia, homemade cha -cha -cha,

hot rose and lamb butter, extra cheesy

potatoes, asparagus pinwheel pies,

celery peas, celery peas, celery peas, canned

ham, silly nuts.

Drink a bow, son.

Drink a bow.

Oh, that was terrific.

God bless.

Now, before we enjoy our brunch, Patty, would you like to say grace?

Let's join hands.

you in the kitchen, please?

Well, yes, sir, officer.

What bug is up her ass?

Colleen, why do you drink so much?

Where is this coming from?

You know, Colleen, you're just going to have to be a drunk on your own because I

can no longer enable you.

Thank you, Amy, for owning up to your part in this.

And guess what?

While I was passed out and urinating in your bed, I did a lot of soul

-searching, and I came to realize that maybe I can't find all the answers in

bottom of a bottle of booze.

Oh!

I'm so glad I have that dark cloud lifted. Oh, this ugly chapter is finally

over. That sounds good, Colleen, but shouldn't you go to some meetings or

something? No, I'm fixed. I'm fixed just by saying it.

I'm as cured as the ham stuck in that can.

Don't believe me?

I'll prove it to you.

Follow me.

Oh, they're coming back in. Go, go, go, go, go, go.

How are you going to prove it, Kimmy? Simple.

Offer me a drink. What?

If I was still an alcoholic, would I be able to turn it down?

You don't have to do that.

Please. This is important to me.

I locked it after her earlier outburst.

Can I have the key, Patty?

Well, I seem to have misplaced it. Oh, I think I have it.

Is this it?

Hey, that's the hand key. Now I can unlock dinner.

No.

Don't worry, Annie.

I can pick the lock.

All right.

Now. Oh, could an alcoholic pull a glass full of, let's say,

Irish whiskey and stop at one?

Oh, this ridiculous display has gone on long enough.

Whatever. You people are a bunch of squares.

I don't need to put up with this. I got plenty of things that I could be doing.

Jassy, can I borrow your baby? I'm going to take it swimming.

Okay, sure, Colleen.

She is in no condition to teach swimming.

Oh, why don't you stay out of it, Grandpa?

I have had it with your small -minded moralizing. Now give me that baby. I

to get it in a pool.

Colleen, you're not taking that baby anywhere because I've always said it.

Alcoholics shouldn't take babies swimming.

Read the sign.

Are you calling me an alcoholic?

Yes, Colleen, I am.

Fine.

I'll teach myself how to swim.

How hard can it be? I was gonna force a baby to do it.

This holiday can best be summed up in the words of Jesus Christ when he said,

rose up for this.

But it's all Easter under the bridge.

Speaking of bridges, my twin sister Colleen drove off one. Don't worry, the

bridge is fine.

I think the most important part of Easter is that it's a chance for all of

be reborn, to start over anew, and stop making the same mistakes of the past.

Hi, Douglas.

which will be my goal for future Easter's. We'll see you next time. Happy

Easter.

Family.