All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s03e03 Outdoor Entertaining

Ah, the end of summer. The only season
we mourn. The last few blackberries on

the bush. The fading sounds of crickets
cricketing and snapping turtles snapping

turtling. No more trips to the swimming
hole or skipping rocks in the koi pond

or counting stars.

No more lemonade or state fairs or men
coming home from the war.

That's why before summer disappears, I
love to have one last cookout on Labor

Day. Tonight, outdoor entertaining on a
very special At Home with Amy Sedaris.

Welcome to At Home with Amy Sedaris.
It's Labor Day!

marking the end of summer. Now, this
Labor Day, many of the staff thought it

would be behoovey to take the day off,
which I replied, long silence, and they

understood. But guess what?

I have had a change of heart. And this
Labor Day, I'm having an all -staff

-attend mandatory fun day.

Because I hate cleaning up after a
party, I've enlisted my neighbor, Patty

to host the party in her backyard.

So today, I'll be the guest. And let's
see, why don't you be my plus one, huh?

Don't embarrass me.

Special delivery.

Oh, why, it's Clovis, my local mailman.

I'm back on the job in focus.

Okay, great to hear.

I love receiving mail. It always gives
me a special feeling inside knowing

someone knows where I live. Let's see.

Summon, summons, final notice, urgent
matter, do not discard, subpoena, return

to sender, return to sender. Oh, what's
this? Why, it looks like an invitation.

Thank you so much, Clovis. My pleasure,
Amy.

Well, you better get back to your route.
Uh -huh. Through snow or sleet or wind

or rain, hail or cold or hurricane,
overcast or sunny or mild or nice,

misty or foggy or covered in ice,
through thunder or none or

lightning or sun, whether it's 63 or 64
or 65 or 66

or 67 or 68 or 69.

You dirty tramp!

I'll take a dump in your mailbox.

Go to hell, Clovis! I'll do it! Get the
f*** out of here!

I've done it before!

You're f***ing crazy! I'll do it again!

You're a maniac!

They should have let you out!

You!

Let's open my invitation.

Dear sir or madam, congratulations!

You have been cordially demanded to
attend the At Home with Amy Sedaris

mandatory all -staff barbecue, which I
will be hosting Labor Day at 4 p .m. If

you cannot attend, please show up in
person and explain why not.

Dress, wedges for women, and no heavy
skirts will be on flagstone for men,

collared shirts, and button -down pants.

Last day to wear what shoes?

See below for your potluck assignment.

Dessert for 12.

She was clear, concise, a perfect
invitation.

I'm going to have this laminated and use
it as a dustpan.

Now, to make dessert for 12, I've got
just the person to help.

Helping me continue to outsource my
Labor Day labor, please welcome the

director of the Research Triangle
Theater, Russell Schnabel.

Hello, Amy.

Russell?

It's an honor to be back. Thank you for
having me. Yeah. Now, don't be mad, but

before we start, I wanted to give you a
prior for my new show. Oh.

Oh, wait.

Is this a mistake?

No, I'm out of ideas. Uh, so I thought
it would be fun to have the ticket buyer

come up with the show, and then I'll
perform it. Oh, okay. Well, let me think

about it. Great. You have until Tuesday.
Curtain's at seven. Better get writing.

Okay, Russell. What do you know about
dessert?

Well, Amy, last season, we tried our
hand at Dinner Cedar. Oh. Oh, well, tell

about the show.

Well, people would come. We would show
them a menu. They'd pick something off

said menu, and then we'd make it for
them, and then, get this, serve it.

Sounds like a restaurant.

No, because for a restaurant, you need
to pass a health inspection.

Okay. So, Russell, tell me about what
you've come up with for my outdoor

Well, because we don't have the means to
heat food at the theater... You don't

have a stove?

They shut off the gas.

I had to come up with creative foods
that work at room temperature, such as

carpaccio, also a watermelon cake.

Oh, wow. Well, take us through it.
First, you want to find a watermelon.

Okay.

Oh! Looks like you found one. I did.

I have one right here.

I'm still laughing just thinking about
it.

And then what you're going to do is take
a good quality electric knife. And

you're going to move it back and forth
really quickly.

Wouldn't it be easier if you plugged it
in? They turned off my electricity, too.

People are vultures. It's like they want
money every month.

Okay. So once you get rid of...

All the rhyme.

It should look like this. Oh, my God,
it's like a sculpture. Can we get a

-up on that, Larry? Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm talking about the watermelon.

No, I know.

Oh, okay. That is beautiful.

Okay, now you want to take one can of
whipped cream. Okay. And you're going to

kind of cover it like the head of a
former lover you're threatening to

suffocate. We've all been through that.

Now, all that's left is to coat the cake
husk with berries. Oh, wow.

Yeah, and sure, they might be a bit
fragile and a bit difficult to work

but they're doing the best they can. Oh,
no. Amy. Oh, no. What the what? You're

doing so well. Well, you know what, Amy?
Berries have feelings, too!

Oh, God!

Russell Schnabel, everybody.

Okay.

This is how it looks when Russell
Schnabel doesn't make it. We have a

so now I'll see you in my craft room.

Beads and things and glitter and string.

Glue and sew and buttons and bows.

The worst enemy of any outdoor barbecue
is wind. If you don't include...

Please, you're being too generous. Look,
it's season three, and I just want to

have some fun, okay?

Now, to keep your tablecloth and your
napkins from blowing away from the

table, we're going to make festive
painted rocks to hold them down. Here to

me is my good friend, I mean, good
assistant, I mean, assistant, Pooja.

You know...

Pooja, I just realized I've never asked
you your last name.

Let's begin.

All you need for this craft is right in
your own backyard.

Pooja, bring me the rocks I asked you to
collect this morning, please.

Okay. Let's see what we got here.

Anything fun? Anything good?

Nah. All right. We'll just use the ones
that I have.

Okay? Now.

Can you get those rocks off the table,
please? I want a wiggle room. Okay. Off,

off, off, off, off. Okay. Now, rocks are
like the clouds of the dirt because

they can look like so many different
things. Pooja, what does this rock look

like to you? There are no wrong answers.

An egg. Wrong.

Okay. I thought you said there were no
wrong answers. Okay, listen. In this

country, that's what we call a figure of
speech.

Okay? Everyone can see that this looks
like a potato.

Can you get a close -up on this, Larry?
I see a potato. So why don't we paint it

to look like what it already looks like?
Okay?

Potato, here we come.

Let's see.

Oh, drats.

I messed up the chive. Now what am I
going to do with it? Well, you can

give it to your mother -in -law.

What are you talking about?

I was just doing what you did.

Don't put this on me, baby. You're the
one who said it. What are you talking

about? I was just making a joke. Oh, is
it funny to you that I'm unmarried? Oh,

is that amusing to you that I'm alone?

One less egg to fry?

No. Then how is it a joke?

Even for you, this is cruel. The only
person I know more cruel than you is my

mother -in -law.

See, Pooja, that's how you do it.

Okay?

Let's paint some rocks.

So, Pooja, are you coming to the
mandatory staff Labor Day picnic?

Yeah, I thought I might. Mm -hmm. So you
put in a request for time off?

I'm sorry?

What's so confusing, Pooja? All staff
members are invited to attend the staff

party provided they request off from
their supervisor. I'm the supervisor.

Okay. Can I have it off? I'm sorry. I
would have needed that in writing at

two weeks prior.

When we return, we will take a walk next
door to my neighbor Patty Hogg's famous

backyard to make our final party
preparations, including bug spray you

drink.

We'll be right back.

Here we are at my neighbor Patty Hogg's
house for an episode on outdoor

entertaining. Now, I've deputized my
neighbor Patty, who is now marshalling

final details.

Over there.

Over. Over. Set it down.

You over -nudge! Smidge your back!

Oh, that table's a skew! Inexpensive
pine picnic tables can be spruced up

simple gingham bed sheet held in place
with our deceptively appetizing painted

rocks.

Precariously stacked dry straw bales
make a terrific festive surface for

homemade citronella candles and paper
cups.

Here we have the buffet table. What a
spread!

Chicken wings, buffalo wings, buffalo
chicken wings, beef wings, beef tails,

sheet cake, baked beans, bean cake,
buffalo beans, chicken beans, buffalo

cake, hush puppies, and copper penny
carrot coins.

Here is the perfect idea for the hungry
children at your cookout, rake

inverters. Patty's farmhand, Hickory,
here is going to help us out today.

Okay, now the preparation is easy,
Hickory.

Okay, what you're going to do is you're
going to slide one cold wiener per

prong. Okay, so help me there. Oh,
that's a good one. All right.

Oh, yeah, that looks good. Okay, and you
just want to keep doing it like so.

Sometimes what happens is you can take
it and grease up the prong.

ahead of time with grease, bacon fat, or
butter.

There you go.

As far as you can see, that's three, and
then you're just going to keep going.

Like I said, children love hot dogs.

Well, it looks like we're in pretty good
shape. Soon my staff will arrive, and

the yard will be a flutter with business
fun.

Why don't we head over to the porch or
HQ and check in with my field general,

Patty Hogg.

Hello,

Amy Lou.

This party is right...

I've done a magnificent job.

I smell a spinoff.

That is porch. Think about it.

Boy, is it hot.

It's hotter than a volcano's ass.

Amy Lou, I want you to meet my papa,
Colonel...

meet you all the pleasure is my own
little miss look at you just a whisker

mouth listen your daughter patty is a
true asset to my show i remember when

here little biscuit was born right after
the war could have been before the war

you see i wasn't in the war if i don't
use it as a marker no one wants to hear

your war story you hush now child this
ain't nothing but a little porch talk

well anyway after a few years my little
angel blossomed into this fire Fine

gardenia you see hunched before you.

Every male suitor in town was buzzing
about. She could have married anybody in

town. But she settled for Rebecca of
Sissybrook Farm here.

My name is Leslie.

What did she say?

Colonel Daddy, please. Leslie is a good
man.

Look how he cares for that bonsai.

You mean that lady tree?

Tree's supposed to be big.

Not small?

It's small because I pruned it.

Okay, Colonel Daddy. Why don't you come
over here and have a sit?

There you go. Just relax a bit. Now, can
I get you anything?

Maybe some more corn, Colonel? More corn
would be lovely. Would you like that?

I'll decop it for you.

Oh, look.

The staff bus is leaving my set to come
over here.

And it's arrived.

Cassie! That bus ride was miserable. No
smoking?

It's a four -second ride.

That's four seconds without a cigarette.
Look at me. I'm shaking. You are? Well,

why don't you have a cigarette now?

I only smoke on buses, Amy. You know
that.

All right, sunshine.

Hey, Tony!

I have to say, I really like the leisure
wear.

Well, it's my day off, so I thought I'd
leave the knives at home.

Oh, looks like you got plenty of knives.

Oh, these are just my casual knives just
for personal vendettas, no work

grudges. I see. Well, why don't you fix
yourself a plate?

Corny bread?

Yep.

Oh, Ruth and Esther, and you brought
Artemis. What? We're not staying long.

Esther was a little disagreeable on the
bus, and this no longer feels fun.

I see. Well, you're here now, so why
don't you unwind and try to turn it

It's going to be very difficult to get
this one back on the rails, Amy.

Some things were said that can't be
taken back.

I'm feeling pretty good.

Why don't you put your rock salad on the
table?

Nothing makes your outdoor party shine
like a well -curated guest list. Don't

invite anyone who senses the sunlight or
is turned off by a few specks of dirt

in their food. For this party, I put
together a very select group.

Who's that?

Down by the carriage house. Coming
through the gazebo around the marigold.

What a suspicious yet tantalizing
stride.

Well, he's a drifter and he's drifting
this way.

It doesn't work for my show.

Sir, ma 'am, you.

I surely do hope I'm not intruding on
your Labor Day festivities, but I

to find myself in your lovely area, and
I'm wondering if you might be an even

extra set of hands.

A man looking for labor on Labor Day.

There's no work for you here, mister.

Nice knife, mister.

Thank you, son.

Chastity Tucker.

Not a ring on my finger or an STD in my
bloodstream, I'm sure.

I just finished a rather intense course
of antibiotics.

The maximum they could legally
prescribe.

I didn't catch your, uh, name.

Yes, what do they call you, attractive
man?

My name's Glaze.

Julie Glaze.

Glaze.

Glaze.

That don't ring no bell.

Where are your roots?

I'm a tree without roots, sir. A
tumbleweed just blowing through.

Why don't you just keep blowing, mister?

This here's a staff affair.

Everyone here got an invitation and
everyone brought their own dish.

I'm doing a show on outdoor
entertaining, not entertaining drifters

So off you go.

Much obliged.

I'll be on my way.

Help!

You okay?

Yes, except for being helped by a man.

What happened, Ruth?

I pivoted to give Esther a cold shoulder
to express my dissatisfaction of her

enjoyment of the party given our
circumstances.

And there the stump was.

Damn that stump!

That stump's been a stain on my family
for years.

Its lack of removal falls squarely on
the narrow shoulders.

Of this year's sister boy.

I tried.

She's so thick. I tried.

That stump, I'm so tired of hearing
about that stump.

I have won yard of the month many a
time, but yard of the year has always

me. They said my ranunculus wasn't up to
standards, but I knew, I knew it was

that stump.

When I was a little girl, my daddy had a
stump like that in our yard.

And that's why he didn't love me.

When I was a boy, I used to play in a
tree.

Happiest days of my life. Then they
chopped it down.

Give me back my tree stump.

Whoa.

Sweet ax, mister.

Stand back, son.

My God, he's having at it.

Why, he's taking out that stump.

You took it. You took it. Are you all
right, Miss Tucker?

Oh, I'm still a little unsteady from
remembering all my trauma. You better

unclutch me just yet.

Have any of you folks seen my shirt?

Shirt.

Oh, there it is.

I found it.

Well.

Great work, son.

Oh, really?

Oh, amazing. You have done the hogs a
great service by taking care of that

stump. I mean, I was wrong about you,
Drifter.

You're good, not bad.

I reckon we can find enough manly work
around here to keep your hands busy for

little while.

God knows no one else is doing any.

What are you doing?

We're doing a TV show, remember?

We can't afford to spend a bunch of time
with an attractive stranger that isn't

me. We don't know anything about this
drifter other than he drifts. Listen to

you, careful Amy.

I prefer to jump in mouth first with my
eyes closed and let it all backfire

later. That's how I got to where I am
today.

This drifter is the best thing that's
ever happened to us.

Stay a while, Glaze.

Get washed up.

Eat a frankfurter.

Maybe.

Marry my daughter.

She's already married. No court in the
land would uphold this farce. You call a

marriage. Mary, over here.

Sonny, every outdoor party needs a
refreshing drink. So easy to make and

more interesting than a drifter. First
take four to 18. Oh, this drink is a

stink. Oh, my God.

I'm talking about tea over here.

In a large pitcher combined.

Well, don't go anywhere.

You know what?

Forget the tea. When we return, how to
dispose of your hypercap. Drift on,

on, drift on.

Do it again.

Do it again.

Welcome back to At Home with Amy Sedaris
with Amy Sedaris. My Labor Day staff

party is in full swing, so why am I here
sitting alone sulking?

Well, if you've been watching, you know
that my event was hijacked by an

uninvited guest who my staff seemed to
find more interesting than my party.

Mind if I join for a back and perhaps a
fourth?

It's a two -person swing, ain't it?

Fireflies are out. Reckon you can see
their neon butt clear of the pond.

You may have charmed my staff with that
pretty talk of yours, but I am not

buying whatever it is you're selling.

You sure about that? You haven't seen my
entire stock.

Mr. Glaze, I don't like you, and I am
done talking. Not talking? That doesn't

seem very hosterly.

Why don't you host my staff party? You
seem to be a bigger hit than me. I'll

just retire to my room, where I've got a
cold glass of milk getting warm and a

warm bowl of soup getting cold. I also
have a pastry that's best served room

temperature, so I'm not worried about
that. Now, if you please excuse me. Ever

since I showed up in this here yard, you
treated me like a moth in your

underwear drawer.

Care to tell a fella what he done wrong?

Drifter, I have planned this Labor Day
barbecue down to the very last detail.

The yard games, the picnic basket
auction, the squirrel talk.

These folks are here to have a good time
celebrating me as a boss. But all

they're gonna remember is the drifter
with the charming talk and the tight

You know what I'll remember?

Those rocks painted like food holding
down tablecloths.

Oh, you notice that?

I remember those hay bales with candles
teetering on top.

Maybe most people would look at that as
just a crude fire hazard, but all I saw

was the charm.

Oh, Drifter, I might have misjudged you.

I'm so happy you're sane.

Which is why I'm going to leave.

But I don't understand.

Listen, I'm a drifter, and drifter's
drift.

The only thing I've ever been good at,
even as a boy, people used to say, that

child sure has a gift to meander
haphazardly. The fact is, I care for

which means I want to stay, which tells
me I have to go.

I understand.

Do you?

No.

Maybe I can drift with you.

Well, that wouldn't really be drifting,
would it? It would be more like going

for a walk. Right. It's difficult to be
aimless in pairs.

Sure, I understand.

Do you?

No. Well, you will or you won't, one of
the two.

Before I go, I'd like to leave you with
something.

Mind if I blow a bit?

Oh, no, please. Go ahead and blow me
something nice.

Oh, no, that's okay.

No, that was perfect.

Well, as I told Miss Amy here, it's time
for me to move on. Ah.

All right, now, let him be.

Just like a brown bear, drifters are
solitary animals.

Also, they'll dig through your trash.

I want to thank you, drifter, for that
stump removal.

We all owe you a debt of gratitude.

I believe with that miraculous
extraction, you've solved just about

problem we ever had.

Well, I suppose you've come to realize
your problems are something you all

have fixed all along if you looked deep
inside yourself.

No, it was the stump. Yeah, definitely
the stump.

I have to disagree with you about it not
being the stump. You're telling me I

tripped on something other than the
stump. I saw her trip on the stump. So

settled. It was the stump!

Well... I ought to be getting on.

I'm mighty grateful to you kind folk.

Take care.

Take care.

Drift safe.

The Drifter, everyone.

Drifter. Oh, Drifter.

Where's he going?

On to the next town, Chachagirl. No.

No, Drift.

What did you tell him about me?

Nothing. Drifter.

Come back. Chachi. Drifter.

We'll be right back.

I think this party was a great success.

I hope my staff appreciated it because
it's coming out of their bonuses.

As you can see, we all decided to put
the stump back.

As it turns out, life is a lot better
when you have a stump to blame your

problems on. Good night.

We'll get it in post.