Original subtitles

Ah, the end of summer. The only season we mourn. The last few blackberries on

the bush. The fading sounds of crickets cricketing and snapping turtles snapping

turtling. No more trips to the swimming hole or skipping rocks in the koi pond

or counting stars.

No more lemonade or state fairs or men coming home from the war.

That's why before summer disappears, I love to have one last cookout on Labor

Day. Tonight, outdoor entertaining on a very special At Home with Amy Sedaris.

Welcome to At Home with Amy Sedaris. It's Labor Day!

marking the end of summer. Now, this Labor Day, many of the staff thought it

would be behoovey to take the day off, which I replied, long silence, and they

understood. But guess what?

I have had a change of heart. And this Labor Day, I'm having an all -staff

-attend mandatory fun day.

Because I hate cleaning up after a party, I've enlisted my neighbor, Patty

to host the party in her backyard.

So today, I'll be the guest. And let's see, why don't you be my plus one, huh?

Don't embarrass me.

Special delivery.

Oh, why, it's Clovis, my local mailman.

I'm back on the job in focus.

Okay, great to hear.

I love receiving mail. It always gives me a special feeling inside knowing

someone knows where I live. Let's see.

Summon, summons, final notice, urgent matter, do not discard, subpoena, return

to sender, return to sender. Oh, what's this? Why, it looks like an invitation.

Thank you so much, Clovis. My pleasure, Amy.

Well, you better get back to your route. Uh -huh. Through snow or sleet or wind

or rain, hail or cold or hurricane, overcast or sunny or mild or nice,

misty or foggy or covered in ice, through thunder or none or

lightning or sun, whether it's 63 or 64 or 65 or 66

or 67 or 68 or 69.

You dirty tramp!

I'll take a dump in your mailbox.

Go to hell, Clovis! I'll do it! Get the f*** out of here!

I've done it before!

You're f***ing crazy! I'll do it again!

You're a maniac!

They should have let you out!

You!

Let's open my invitation.

Dear sir or madam, congratulations!

You have been cordially demanded to attend the At Home with Amy Sedaris

mandatory all -staff barbecue, which I will be hosting Labor Day at 4 p .m. If

you cannot attend, please show up in person and explain why not.

Dress, wedges for women, and no heavy skirts will be on flagstone for men,

collared shirts, and button -down pants.

Last day to wear what shoes?

See below for your potluck assignment.

Dessert for 12.

She was clear, concise, a perfect invitation.

I'm going to have this laminated and use it as a dustpan.

Now, to make dessert for 12, I've got just the person to help.

Helping me continue to outsource my Labor Day labor, please welcome the

director of the Research Triangle Theater, Russell Schnabel.

Hello, Amy.

Russell?

It's an honor to be back. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Now, don't be mad, but

before we start, I wanted to give you a prior for my new show. Oh.

Oh, wait.

Is this a mistake?

No, I'm out of ideas. Uh, so I thought it would be fun to have the ticket buyer

come up with the show, and then I'll perform it. Oh, okay. Well, let me think

about it. Great. You have until Tuesday. Curtain's at seven. Better get writing.

Okay, Russell. What do you know about dessert?

Well, Amy, last season, we tried our hand at Dinner Cedar. Oh. Oh, well, tell

about the show.

Well, people would come. We would show them a menu. They'd pick something off

said menu, and then we'd make it for them, and then, get this, serve it.

Sounds like a restaurant.

No, because for a restaurant, you need to pass a health inspection.

Okay. So, Russell, tell me about what you've come up with for my outdoor

Well, because we don't have the means to heat food at the theater... You don't

have a stove?

They shut off the gas.

I had to come up with creative foods that work at room temperature, such as

carpaccio, also a watermelon cake.

Oh, wow. Well, take us through it. First, you want to find a watermelon.

Okay.

Oh! Looks like you found one. I did.

I have one right here.

I'm still laughing just thinking about it.

And then what you're going to do is take a good quality electric knife. And

you're going to move it back and forth really quickly.

Wouldn't it be easier if you plugged it in? They turned off my electricity, too.

People are vultures. It's like they want money every month.

Okay. So once you get rid of...

All the rhyme.

It should look like this. Oh, my God, it's like a sculpture. Can we get a

-up on that, Larry? Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm talking about the watermelon.

No, I know.

Oh, okay. That is beautiful.

Okay, now you want to take one can of whipped cream. Okay. And you're going to

kind of cover it like the head of a former lover you're threatening to

suffocate. We've all been through that.

Now, all that's left is to coat the cake husk with berries. Oh, wow.

Yeah, and sure, they might be a bit fragile and a bit difficult to work

but they're doing the best they can. Oh, no. Amy. Oh, no. What the what? You're

doing so well. Well, you know what, Amy? Berries have feelings, too!

Oh, God!

Russell Schnabel, everybody.

Okay.

This is how it looks when Russell Schnabel doesn't make it. We have a

so now I'll see you in my craft room.

Beads and things and glitter and string.

Glue and sew and buttons and bows.

The worst enemy of any outdoor barbecue is wind. If you don't include...

Please, you're being too generous. Look, it's season three, and I just want to

have some fun, okay?

Now, to keep your tablecloth and your napkins from blowing away from the

table, we're going to make festive painted rocks to hold them down. Here to

me is my good friend, I mean, good assistant, I mean, assistant, Pooja.

You know...

Pooja, I just realized I've never asked you your last name.

Let's begin.

All you need for this craft is right in your own backyard.

Pooja, bring me the rocks I asked you to collect this morning, please.

Okay. Let's see what we got here.

Anything fun? Anything good?

Nah. All right. We'll just use the ones that I have.

Okay? Now.

Can you get those rocks off the table, please? I want a wiggle room. Okay. Off,

off, off, off, off. Okay. Now, rocks are like the clouds of the dirt because

they can look like so many different things. Pooja, what does this rock look

like to you? There are no wrong answers.

An egg. Wrong.

Okay. I thought you said there were no wrong answers. Okay, listen. In this

country, that's what we call a figure of speech.

Okay? Everyone can see that this looks like a potato.

Can you get a close -up on this, Larry? I see a potato. So why don't we paint it

to look like what it already looks like? Okay?

Potato, here we come.

Let's see.

Oh, drats.

I messed up the chive. Now what am I going to do with it? Well, you can

give it to your mother -in -law.

What are you talking about?

I was just doing what you did.

Don't put this on me, baby. You're the one who said it. What are you talking

about? I was just making a joke. Oh, is it funny to you that I'm unmarried? Oh,

is that amusing to you that I'm alone?

One less egg to fry?

No. Then how is it a joke?

Even for you, this is cruel. The only person I know more cruel than you is my

mother -in -law.

See, Pooja, that's how you do it.

Okay?

Let's paint some rocks.

So, Pooja, are you coming to the mandatory staff Labor Day picnic?

Yeah, I thought I might. Mm -hmm. So you put in a request for time off?

I'm sorry?

What's so confusing, Pooja? All staff members are invited to attend the staff

party provided they request off from their supervisor. I'm the supervisor.

Okay. Can I have it off? I'm sorry. I would have needed that in writing at

two weeks prior.

When we return, we will take a walk next door to my neighbor Patty Hogg's famous

backyard to make our final party preparations, including bug spray you

drink.

We'll be right back.

Here we are at my neighbor Patty Hogg's house for an episode on outdoor

entertaining. Now, I've deputized my neighbor Patty, who is now marshalling

final details.

Over there.

Over. Over. Set it down.

You over -nudge! Smidge your back!

Oh, that table's a skew! Inexpensive pine picnic tables can be spruced up

simple gingham bed sheet held in place with our deceptively appetizing painted

rocks.

Precariously stacked dry straw bales make a terrific festive surface for

homemade citronella candles and paper cups.

Here we have the buffet table. What a spread!

Chicken wings, buffalo wings, buffalo chicken wings, beef wings, beef tails,

sheet cake, baked beans, bean cake, buffalo beans, chicken beans, buffalo

cake, hush puppies, and copper penny carrot coins.

Here is the perfect idea for the hungry children at your cookout, rake

inverters. Patty's farmhand, Hickory, here is going to help us out today.

Okay, now the preparation is easy, Hickory.

Okay, what you're going to do is you're going to slide one cold wiener per

prong. Okay, so help me there. Oh, that's a good one. All right.

Oh, yeah, that looks good. Okay, and you just want to keep doing it like so.

Sometimes what happens is you can take it and grease up the prong.

ahead of time with grease, bacon fat, or butter.

There you go.

As far as you can see, that's three, and then you're just going to keep going.

Like I said, children love hot dogs.

Well, it looks like we're in pretty good shape. Soon my staff will arrive, and

the yard will be a flutter with business fun.

Why don't we head over to the porch or HQ and check in with my field general,

Patty Hogg.

Hello,

Amy Lou.

This party is right...

I've done a magnificent job.

I smell a spinoff.

That is porch. Think about it.

Boy, is it hot.

It's hotter than a volcano's ass.

Amy Lou, I want you to meet my papa, Colonel...

meet you all the pleasure is my own little miss look at you just a whisker

mouth listen your daughter patty is a true asset to my show i remember when

here little biscuit was born right after the war could have been before the war

you see i wasn't in the war if i don't use it as a marker no one wants to hear

your war story you hush now child this ain't nothing but a little porch talk

well anyway after a few years my little angel blossomed into this fire Fine

gardenia you see hunched before you.

Every male suitor in town was buzzing about. She could have married anybody in

town. But she settled for Rebecca of Sissybrook Farm here.

My name is Leslie.

What did she say?

Colonel Daddy, please. Leslie is a good man.

Look how he cares for that bonsai.

You mean that lady tree?

Tree's supposed to be big.

Not small?

It's small because I pruned it.

Okay, Colonel Daddy. Why don't you come over here and have a sit?

There you go. Just relax a bit. Now, can I get you anything?

Maybe some more corn, Colonel? More corn would be lovely. Would you like that?

I'll decop it for you.

Oh, look.

The staff bus is leaving my set to come over here.

And it's arrived.

Cassie! That bus ride was miserable. No smoking?

It's a four -second ride.

That's four seconds without a cigarette. Look at me. I'm shaking. You are? Well,

why don't you have a cigarette now?

I only smoke on buses, Amy. You know that.

All right, sunshine.

Hey, Tony!

I have to say, I really like the leisure wear.

Well, it's my day off, so I thought I'd leave the knives at home.

Oh, looks like you got plenty of knives.

Oh, these are just my casual knives just for personal vendettas, no work

grudges. I see. Well, why don't you fix yourself a plate?

Corny bread?

Yep.

Oh, Ruth and Esther, and you brought Artemis. What? We're not staying long.

Esther was a little disagreeable on the bus, and this no longer feels fun.

I see. Well, you're here now, so why don't you unwind and try to turn it

It's going to be very difficult to get this one back on the rails, Amy.

Some things were said that can't be taken back.

I'm feeling pretty good.

Why don't you put your rock salad on the table?

Nothing makes your outdoor party shine like a well -curated guest list. Don't

invite anyone who senses the sunlight or is turned off by a few specks of dirt

in their food. For this party, I put together a very select group.

Who's that?

Down by the carriage house. Coming through the gazebo around the marigold.

What a suspicious yet tantalizing stride.

Well, he's a drifter and he's drifting this way.

It doesn't work for my show.

Sir, ma 'am, you.

I surely do hope I'm not intruding on your Labor Day festivities, but I

to find myself in your lovely area, and I'm wondering if you might be an even

extra set of hands.

A man looking for labor on Labor Day.

There's no work for you here, mister.

Nice knife, mister.

Thank you, son.

Chastity Tucker.

Not a ring on my finger or an STD in my bloodstream, I'm sure.

I just finished a rather intense course of antibiotics.

The maximum they could legally prescribe.

I didn't catch your, uh, name.

Yes, what do they call you, attractive man?

My name's Glaze.

Julie Glaze.

Glaze.

Glaze.

That don't ring no bell.

Where are your roots?

I'm a tree without roots, sir. A tumbleweed just blowing through.

Why don't you just keep blowing, mister?

This here's a staff affair.

Everyone here got an invitation and everyone brought their own dish.

I'm doing a show on outdoor entertaining, not entertaining drifters

So off you go.

Much obliged.

I'll be on my way.

Help!

You okay?

Yes, except for being helped by a man.

What happened, Ruth?

I pivoted to give Esther a cold shoulder to express my dissatisfaction of her

enjoyment of the party given our circumstances.

And there the stump was.

Damn that stump!

That stump's been a stain on my family for years.

Its lack of removal falls squarely on the narrow shoulders.

Of this year's sister boy.

I tried.

She's so thick. I tried.

That stump, I'm so tired of hearing about that stump.

I have won yard of the month many a time, but yard of the year has always

me. They said my ranunculus wasn't up to standards, but I knew, I knew it was

that stump.

When I was a little girl, my daddy had a stump like that in our yard.

And that's why he didn't love me.

When I was a boy, I used to play in a tree.

Happiest days of my life. Then they chopped it down.

Give me back my tree stump.

Whoa.

Sweet ax, mister.

Stand back, son.

My God, he's having at it.

Why, he's taking out that stump.

You took it. You took it. Are you all right, Miss Tucker?

Oh, I'm still a little unsteady from remembering all my trauma. You better

unclutch me just yet.

Have any of you folks seen my shirt?

Shirt.

Oh, there it is.

I found it.

Well.

Great work, son.

Oh, really?

Oh, amazing. You have done the hogs a great service by taking care of that

stump. I mean, I was wrong about you, Drifter.

You're good, not bad.

I reckon we can find enough manly work around here to keep your hands busy for

little while.

God knows no one else is doing any.

What are you doing?

We're doing a TV show, remember?

We can't afford to spend a bunch of time with an attractive stranger that isn't

me. We don't know anything about this drifter other than he drifts. Listen to

you, careful Amy.

I prefer to jump in mouth first with my eyes closed and let it all backfire

later. That's how I got to where I am today.

This drifter is the best thing that's ever happened to us.

Stay a while, Glaze.

Get washed up.

Eat a frankfurter.

Maybe.

Marry my daughter.

She's already married. No court in the land would uphold this farce. You call a

marriage. Mary, over here.

Sonny, every outdoor party needs a refreshing drink. So easy to make and

more interesting than a drifter. First take four to 18. Oh, this drink is a

stink. Oh, my God.

I'm talking about tea over here.

In a large pitcher combined.

Well, don't go anywhere.

You know what?

Forget the tea. When we return, how to dispose of your hypercap. Drift on,

on, drift on.

Do it again.

Do it again.

Welcome back to At Home with Amy Sedaris with Amy Sedaris. My Labor Day staff

party is in full swing, so why am I here sitting alone sulking?

Well, if you've been watching, you know that my event was hijacked by an

uninvited guest who my staff seemed to find more interesting than my party.

Mind if I join for a back and perhaps a fourth?

It's a two -person swing, ain't it?

Fireflies are out. Reckon you can see their neon butt clear of the pond.

You may have charmed my staff with that pretty talk of yours, but I am not

buying whatever it is you're selling.

You sure about that? You haven't seen my entire stock.

Mr. Glaze, I don't like you, and I am done talking. Not talking? That doesn't

seem very hosterly.

Why don't you host my staff party? You seem to be a bigger hit than me. I'll

just retire to my room, where I've got a cold glass of milk getting warm and a

warm bowl of soup getting cold. I also have a pastry that's best served room

temperature, so I'm not worried about that. Now, if you please excuse me. Ever

since I showed up in this here yard, you treated me like a moth in your

underwear drawer.

Care to tell a fella what he done wrong?

Drifter, I have planned this Labor Day barbecue down to the very last detail.

The yard games, the picnic basket auction, the squirrel talk.

These folks are here to have a good time celebrating me as a boss. But all

they're gonna remember is the drifter with the charming talk and the tight

You know what I'll remember?

Those rocks painted like food holding down tablecloths.

Oh, you notice that?

I remember those hay bales with candles teetering on top.

Maybe most people would look at that as just a crude fire hazard, but all I saw

was the charm.

Oh, Drifter, I might have misjudged you.

I'm so happy you're sane.

Which is why I'm going to leave.

But I don't understand.

Listen, I'm a drifter, and drifter's drift.

The only thing I've ever been good at, even as a boy, people used to say, that

child sure has a gift to meander haphazardly. The fact is, I care for

which means I want to stay, which tells me I have to go.

I understand.

Do you?

No.

Maybe I can drift with you.

Well, that wouldn't really be drifting, would it? It would be more like going

for a walk. Right. It's difficult to be aimless in pairs.

Sure, I understand.

Do you?

No. Well, you will or you won't, one of the two.

Before I go, I'd like to leave you with something.

Mind if I blow a bit?

Oh, no, please. Go ahead and blow me something nice.

Oh, no, that's okay.

No, that was perfect.

Well, as I told Miss Amy here, it's time for me to move on. Ah.

All right, now, let him be.

Just like a brown bear, drifters are solitary animals.

Also, they'll dig through your trash.

I want to thank you, drifter, for that stump removal.

We all owe you a debt of gratitude.

I believe with that miraculous extraction, you've solved just about

problem we ever had.

Well, I suppose you've come to realize your problems are something you all

have fixed all along if you looked deep inside yourself.

No, it was the stump. Yeah, definitely the stump.

I have to disagree with you about it not being the stump. You're telling me I

tripped on something other than the stump. I saw her trip on the stump. So

settled. It was the stump!

Well... I ought to be getting on.

I'm mighty grateful to you kind folk.

Take care.

Take care.

Drift safe.

The Drifter, everyone.

Drifter. Oh, Drifter.

Where's he going?

On to the next town, Chachagirl. No.

No, Drift.

What did you tell him about me?

Nothing. Drifter.

Come back. Chachi. Drifter.

We'll be right back.

I think this party was a great success.

I hope my staff appreciated it because it's coming out of their bonuses.

As you can see, we all decided to put the stump back.

As it turns out, life is a lot better when you have a stump to blame your

problems on. Good night.

We'll get it in post.