Original subtitles

I was just looking through some old pictures of me and former boyfriends.

Here's me and this guy.

And me and whoever this is.

And oh, I remember this dress.

The point is, people come and go in your life. But if you're really lucky, you

just might find that special someone. And if you do, you don't want to let

slip away.

There's a special someone who knows me intimately.

Doesn't mind if I'm in a cranky mood.

Likes the way I look in the nude.

Laughs at all my jokes heartily.

And I'm never gonna give you up for someone else's touch.

To see you to be you reminds me that I love you much.

And now, even after all that...

I'll be waking up right next to you. Cause there is nothing else that I can

Together forever, it's me inside of you.

Valentine's Day tonight on a very special At Home with Amy Sedaris.

You can go now.

Welcome to the At Home with Amy Sedaris Valentine's Day Special.

So many fans have asked me, Amy, why haven't you done a Valentine's Day

before? Well, I have my reasons, and none of them are because I'm alone.

All of the reasons are other reasons.

But today... It's all about buttercream roses, homemade Valentine's Day cards,

boxes filled with candy and heart -shaped sugar cookies.

We'll be doing it all. And later in the show, we'll pull it all together for my

first annual never -to -be -repeated Valentine's Day mixer.

But first, flowers. You know what they say.

Valentine's Day without flowers would be like Thanksgiving without arguing.

Please welcome from the Research Triangle local flower shop, One

God, the first couple of bouquet, Antonin and Belinda Thornberry.

Welcome, Belinda and Antonin. Thank you so much for having us.

Who are you two? Why flowers on Valentine's Day?

Really, Amy, what better way to celebrate indelible and enduring love

cut flowers that look beautiful for only eight hours? Oh, my goodness. How did

you two get started?

Well, we felt so blessed to have found love. We wanted to help. others express

their love for one another.

Oh, my goodness. That's so beautiful.

And then her mother died and left us a flower shop, so things kind of lined up.

Oh. And Amy, our arrangements are about celebrating people being together.

Antonin and I firmly believe that there is nothing more sad than a person alone.

Oh, no. I'm currently not in a relationship.

Oh, I am so sorry. I did not know that.

Oh, Amy.

We're here for you.

Amy, whatever you need. No, no, it's okay. I'm fine.

I mean, I'm sure just the sight of flowers alone must be so painful for

It's as if their beauty is mocking your crippling loneliness.

No, really, I'm fine. I promise you. You're very brave, Amy.

Can we just make a flower arrangement?

Why don't we just put something together that celebrates your type of situation?

Yes, yes. Okay.

Emphasizing detachment, loneliness, and forlornness.

Okay, so although there are multiple flowers, you can see that they have no

relationship to each other.

Lonely, middle -aged islands in a sea of solitude.

So, what do you think?

Gosh, it does seem sad.

Thank you. Remember, Amy, it's not too late.

There has to be someone out there for you. Don't you think so, Antonin? What?

Oh, sure, yeah. I mean, I can't think of anyone off the top of my head, and I

know a lot of people, but... Okay, well, listen, I can't thank you enough for

coming by. Belinda and Antonin Thornberry, everyone.

Okay, thank you so much.

Oh, that's my sugar cookies.

Mmm. Oh, nice, the vanilla.

Okay, now I'll decorate them using little things.

Hug me.

Alone.

Spencer.

Oh, who can that be?

Hello? I have a delivery here from Hamily Waggly. Oh, well, I'm in the

my show.

Well, I could come back.

Oh, no, it's fine. Come on in.

It's probably the hams I order for my Valentine's Day mixer later on in the

show. You can set them down there.

Travis. Travis, I'm Miss Adaris. I say Miss because I'm unmarried.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, let me give you a little something for your troubles.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you. Would you like me to help you unpack?

Sure. Can I get you some coffee?

Oh, is coffee the hot brown one? I could add some milk and sugar.

Maybe I'll just take the milk and sugar.

One sugar milk coming up. Great.

Have you worked at Hamily Waggly's long?

Well, actually, just a summer job until the end of February.

Then I'm going off to Lumberjack School.

Oh, wow.

Have a powdered honey glaze with your sugar milk?

There you go. Wow.

Lumberjack School.

That sounds exciting.

What will be your area of expertise?

Probably chopping.

Chopping? That's a good area. We could use more choppers. I hope.

What are you staring about, Travis?

I was just thinking that I will never see a donut lovely as a tree.

That's beautiful.

You know what else you'll never see? A hardwood floor made of donuts.

You've got white powder all over your white apron. Oh, where?

It's on there, probably.

Aw. I'll tell you what. Why don't you let me do a quick wash just to play it

safe, okay? Oh, I sure appreciate that, but that's okay. I can just brush it

off. I can't have a future lumberjack going back to a grocery store to work

summer job in the dead of winter with a white apron covered in powdered sugar.

What kind of hostess would I be?

But don't you have a show to do? Oh, they'll wait.

You'll wait.

Now hand me that apron, young man. I'll just do a quick bleach wash.

All right.

Here you go.

Okay,

my bleach is on the top shelf, so I'm going to need my stepstool to get to

it. Oh, yeah.

All right.

I've got it. Okay.

Now where did... I put that bleach.

Hmm. I know it's around here someplace.

Not there. Not there.

Oh, here it is. Got it.

Okay.

Listen, Travis.

Yeah?

You're a nice young man.

Thank you. Oh, oh, oh.

I don't smell anything, Patty.

Well, I do. It's hanging thick in the air. A fungal, earthy smell. Woody. Like

the back seat of a Pontiac sedan at the prom.

Who's this?

I'm just delivering ham.

Why is there a stepstool present?

Is there a reason you're here, Patty? I couldn't bear to see you alone on your

own Valentine's Day special, Amy Lou. It makes people sad.

Very sad.

So, I... I got you a date.

Look, Patty, I don't need a date. Now, before you say no, say yes, because he's

already on his way. Patty!

Now he's a local celebrity. He founded the Moose Lodge. Do I know you?

Travis Whitemore.

Whitemore, huh.

Are you related to the Havelock Whitemores?

Edgar Whitemore was my grandfather.

I knew it! Leaf burner!

Edgar Whitemore would pile up his leaves and then light them ablaze. He had a

blatant disregard for the city's open burning ordinance.

There are leaf burners, a whole lot of them. That was my grandfather, ma 'am.

That's not me.

Okay, Patty.

Well, Amy Lou, I would keep your eye on your rake and your matches.

Leaf burners, I knew it. I can't wait to call everybody.

Oh, don't worry about her. No, she's right. My grandfather was a leaf burner.

That's why I want to become a lumberjack, to clear my family name by

down the very thing that used to produce the leaves that he loved so much to

burn. That makes a lot of sense.

Well, listen, I better be on my way.

No, wait!

Your apron is still in the wash. Not that I care one way or another.

Right. Yeah, right. You stay, okay?

When we return, buttercream flowers.

Welcome back to my special Valentine's episode.

Here to teach us how to make buttercream flowers, my good friend and former

pastry chef, Chassie Tucker.

Hi, Chassie.

So tell me, Chassie, do you have a special Valentine this year? Of course I

Oh. I mean, this town is 80 % men, 20 % women.

That stampede at the Susan B. Anthony March put the odds firmly in our favor.

It's true. So, Jessie, you're here to teach us how to make buttercream roses.

That's right. That's right. How do you do that?

Oh, Jessie, come on. You promised you would take this job seriously. I take

job very seriously, which reminds me, if someone from the unemployment office

calls, I don't work here anymore.

To make... your buttercream frosting, just follow the recipe in my new

on sweets.

I have a confection to make. Book?

Who ever learned anything from a stupid book?

Hey, Chassie.

Let me ask you something.

I didn't take it, and or I thought it was mine.

Look, if you want to search my purse, you're welcome to. After, I take a

things out, which I will only do so that it's easier for you to see that I have

nothing to hide. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to

you something, but it's strictly confidential, okay?

Nobody can hear about this.

Oh, is it about you and that ham boy?

What? What are you talking about?

Everybody's talking about it. What are they... What are they saying? Oh,

saying, you know, you got this thing going on with the ham boy. He's too

for you. You're too old for him.

Even people who don't know anything about the ham boy think you're too old.

Well, it's not true. Nothing is going on. Okay, well, fine.

What did you want to ask me? Well, I have a friend.

Oh. Oh, Amy.

You don't have to invent someone.

I know you don't have any friends.

Okay, fine.

I have a cousin. Oh, my gosh. Oh, I'm all ears.

Okay, well, this cousin of mine wants to do the right thing, but she's not sure

what the right thing is.

Okay, is this one of those stories meant to teach me a lesson? Because I'm

telling you, I didn't steal anything from your bathroom.

Will you listen to me?

My cousin, through completely innocent circumstances, thinks she might be

falling for a much younger man.

Hold it right there.

amy you tell this cousin of yours that i once courted a younger man and the

stain on my reputation almost ruined me and we're talking about a

reputation that was already pretty seriously stained okay i guess i'll tell

see who needs a stupid old book

jesse tucker everyone

Why don't we head over to the craft room for some Valentine's crafting? Also, so

I can do the right thing.

Travis, I... Oh.

Oh. Ms. Sedaris, I'm sorry.

Tempering my surging testosterone while waiting for my apron to dry. I didn't

mean to embarrass you. No, I...

I'm fine.

I like your bracelet.

Oh, it's an emergency bracelet. I'm a fall risk.

Maybe you just need someone around to catch you.

Oh, I should really get back to my show.

Sure. Yeah.

A toilet paper roll butterfly.

Crafting is the art of taking items you would normally throw away and making

them into something somebody else can throw away. This is Crafting Corner.

Beads and things and glitter and strings.

Glue and sew and buttons and bows.

Remember being a schoolgirl making cut -in -face valentines and then handing

them out to all the boys?

Remember not getting any back?

Well, I have a boyfriend now, so the past can no longer hurt me.

Now, here's the traditional Valentine I made that includes a very special name.

Special person in my life, yes.

Before you move on from homemade Valentines, I have one more guest who

own version of the perfect Valentine. Please welcome Tony Pugnalata.

Oh, my goodness, hi, Tony.

And a happy Valentine's Day to you. How have you been?

What have you heard?

I haven't heard anything. That's why I'm asking you.

So I could say anything and you wouldn't...

Try to verify it? I'm the only source of information you have on this issue, and

you just take it at face value?

Yes, of course. Well, in that case, I'm good.

Okay. All right. Glad to hear it. So what are you here to show us today? As

know, Valentine's Day is a day to commemorate your feelings to a special

someone. One way to do it is a card.

Another way to not do it is to make a love shrine out of human bones.

But if you really want something special for her...

Might I suggest a tree trunk carving?

Now, you're going to want to use a sharp, thick blade knife.

Because you don't want it folding up on you at the hilt when you jab into

something hard. I've lost plenty of fingers that way. Oh, it looks like you

all ten.

You're too kind.

First,

you carve the initials so that you know how big to make the heart around. Sure,

yeah. And then, this is just an example.

I'll just use my initials for that one set.

I guess the other set will just use your initials.

Okay.

I really like this form because the initials cannot be uncarved. Do you

understand the ramifications of the carving?

I think I'm following.

So now our initials are set in stone, so to speak. You mean wood. I said so to

speak. Oh, yeah, that you did. And then finally the heart around the outside.

And that seals the deal.

Oh, my goodness. What a clever idea.

You know, I grew up in the woods, and I see tree trunks all...

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Amy Starris. Yeah, Tony.

Would you be my valentine?

Now, I know I am but a humble knife man, and I can't offer you a lot in the way

of fingers, but I can provide in the way of knives.

Tony, get up. Get off your knee.

I already have a valentine.

It's really sweet, but I...

Just get up.

Oh, that's a lot of knives, Tony.

I got it. Don't touch them. No, I'll get props.

Don't touch them.

Don't touch my knife.

Dad, I didn't mean to upset you.

You humiliated me in front of your audience. I didn't mean to humiliate

asked me. I should have known ahead of time. We had a rehearsal.

we've made our valentine's day cards why don't we head over to the living room

to put final touches on our decoration travis you care to join me

it's really exciting i can't wait to

meet my parents oh what are you What are you all doing here?

We're here to let you know that we know what you're up to and you should be

ashamed of yourself.

No, we're only here to help you. Why am I here?

Just stay on board, Chassie. It's not an intervention with only two.

Look, my personal life is none of your business. Now, if you don't mind, I'd

like to get back to my show.

Listen, we are only concerned about your reputation as well as the reputation of

this here boy.

Think of his future.

Think of your past and how much distance there is between his present and your

birth. Our ages don't matter. Age is just a number.

You know what else is just a number? Twelve, twelve, and twelve. That's the

devil times two.

Patricia, as a retired maritime psychologist, may I step in here? You

listen to him. Even though he can't legally practice on land, he's still

full of practical advice.

Please, have a seat.

Now, you two need to understand.

What is happening is not about love.

It's about lust. And I know, for I have lusted in my own heart.

Recently.

Now, Travis, you are a strapping young buck. There is no debating that.

And Amy, you're a well -preserved, capable middle -aged woman.

Now, sometimes we allow our desires to dominate reason and lead us down a

debaucherous, uncharted course that although feels right, the good book

that it is wrong. And so then must be.

In the morning, we put on our pants, shamble home, dirty and ashamed,

our secrets into the pit of our stomach, back to our families now and never

again, yet longing to take advantage of our next weak moment.

This guy queer?

He may be a little odd, but there's a method to his madness.

He's a military man.

Look, can I give this a shot? We really need to wrap this up.

How about it? All right.

Look, I mean, it's just not realistic.

Okay? I mean, sure, it's fun now, but where's it going?

I mean, in ten years, you'll be, what, ten years older, and you, you'll be 93,

94. We're talking long -term care here, okay?

It's like babysitting, Travis, but with bigger diapers and hotter, wetter poop.

All right, Chassie. Please, I think I should go.

I don't want to come between you and your friends.

We're not friends. And this whole thing is kind of weirding me out.

No, it's... Travis!

It's for the best, Amy Lou.

It's for the best.

This

Valentine's,

stock up on Hamily Waggly Candy Specials. Pecan bumps or slammies, only

a sack.

Taffy taints or sherbet nickels, 19 cents a pound.

As a marital infidelity tore open a bitter chasm, bridge it with a fistful

caramel bungles. Mighty milky and mighty good, 12 cents a scoop.

And be sure to check the Sunday Circular for more great savings.

Bargains with your bag -a -lee, there's no need to haggle -ee. At your local Ham

-a -lee, wag -a -lee store.

Oh, did you see Amos? You know, I set them up. Match made in heaven.

Oh, here they come now.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

I thought you'd be alone forever.

Can't wait to hear those wedding bells ring. You two look perfect together.

Wow, look who finally came to her senses.

You two look appropriately adorable.

I should check on the sour ham, Deb.

There she is, soon to be single no more.

Oh, the happy couple.

Amy Lou, can I speak with you for just two minutes? Just two minutes, okay?

I like your hair color.

Now, Amy Lou, I know this might be a bit premature, but I've got two words for

you. Wedding planner. Now, you don't have to respond, but this here is the

I am going to slip it in your hand.

You don't have to look at it tonight, but when you do call him, tell him Hogg

sent you.

Oh, we are overjoyed.

I thought you'd always be alone.

Oh, handily waggly.

I thought they were recalled.

Amy, did I upset you?

Oh, oh, Albert.

Oh, it's not you.

Well, it's a little you.

But aside from being you and your significant part in it, there's just

else. A forbidden romance.

I see.

I know a bit or two about forbidden romances.

I once had a thing for a lady who swung both ways, if you know what I mean. I

do. The kind of gal who was into folk songs about nature.

I understand.

Yeah, the type of lady that might manage an apartment building or get her hair

cut at an army recruiting office.

Yeah, I got it. Well, I soon realized that I was chasing after something I

couldn't catch because I was running away from what I didn't want to face.

Oh, Albert.

You're talking about yourself, aren't you?

I'm talking about the Lord, our Savior.

Get on your knees and pray with me. Yeah, no, Albert.

Yeah, no, no. Yeah, no, that's all good. Why don't you pass out some fireballs,

okay? Yeah. Change your mind. Yeah, I won't.

Travis?

Travis?

Couldn't stay away knowing that you had my apron and they'd charge me 15 bucks

for it. Oh, I feel the same way.

Listen, Travis.

I've been doing a little thinking.

And over the last 18 minutes, we've said a great many things.

But it all adds up to one thing.

Are we still talking about my apron?

I'm staying here, and you're going off to lumberjack school, because if you

don't follow your dreams of chopping down trees, you'll regret it.

Maybe not now, certainly not tomorrow, but someday.

As for us, we'll always have the craft room.

Here's your apron. I threw my red one in with your white one, and this is what

happened. I should have used a cold rinse.

Can I go now?

I think it's for the best.

All right.

blocking the way. Oh.

Coming!

Valentine's Day is over.

And the Valentiners have all gone home.

I, of course, will be going to bed with the person I woke up with.

But that's okay.

It's a relationship that works. It works because I have one rule. I never go to

bed angry at myself.

Looks like I'm going to be up all night long.

Happy Valentine's Day. Good night.