Original subtitles

Do you mind if I try?

It's okay.

Hush, baby little one, close your eyes.

Itsy feet and bitsy hands, no more cries.

Dreaming of a gourd based on pumpkin pie.

Rest your head, it's sleepy time lullaby.

There's another verse.

There's another verse.

Sleep, honey buttercup, don't you sigh.

Mama's here and daddy's gone, no surprise.

Lipstick on his collar, all men lie.

Come into this world alone and that's how you die.

Alone, because he's a cheater. Cheater.

Baby, tonight on a very special At Home with Amy Sedaris.

Babies, we've all had them. But what do we really know about them? They cry when

they want something and sleep when they don't. After that, it's anyone's guess.

I suppose babies are a lot like Mugu Gai Pan.

You don't know what ends up in that wok.

And how about Egg Foo Yong?

Is it an omelet? A stir fry?

Look, I'm not trying to come down hard on Chinese food. I just believe food

needs to be American.

So, babies, how do you prepare for something you don't understand?

Tonight, I'm going to show you how to plan for the life -altering event known

childbirth. We're going to cover all the important stuff from picking the

perfect name to reshaping what's left of your perfect body to planning the

perfect nursery.

Here to help us do just that, please welcome the creative director of the

Research Triangle Community Theater, our very own Russell Schnabel. Get out of

here, Russell.

Amy. Good to see you. Good to see you, too.

Now, before we start, I did want to plug my new production.

It's called Long Day's Journey into La Mancha. It's a faithful adaptation of O

'Neal's Long Day's Journey into Night, but instead of the main character being

addicted to heroin, she's obsessed with paella.

That sounds delicious.

Here's the flyer, and I do hope you can make it. Oh, when is it?

Curtain opens in about eight minutes. Wow.

Eight minutes? I'm sorry, Russell, we're in the middle of the show here.

We'll hold.

Okay, so Russell, tell us why you suggested yourself on a segment on

nurseries. Well, Amy, not only am I the creative director of the triangle

players and the bulk of the cast, I'm also the set designer.

Wow, you sure wear a lot of hats.

And wigs.

No, Russell, you spent all week transforming my craft. into a nursery.

you show us what you've done?

Absolutely. Okay.

Oh, Russell, this is absolutely amazing.

Isn't it?

Can you imagine living in the womb, bathing in warmth and solitude for nine

months, and then opening your eyes to this?

That must be jarring.

Thank you. You see, Amy, my primary goal with nursery design is to really

challenge the baby to force it to think deeply about national themes. Mm, I see.

And I have to tell you, Amy, I love working in the nursery medium. I really

I didn't think I would, but I really do.

You know, because a baby is completely captive. Just imagine if my audience

couldn't walk out after the first act.

Why don't you take it through it, Rocky? Of course, of course. I believe that

visual chaos...

promotes intellectual growth. Now, is there some sort of science behind this?

Yes, way behind.

Okay. Well, tell me, what was your nursery like, Russell? Nope!

Now, over here is a pirate ship next to a teepee, and I want to say giraffe.

Okay.

And as you can see, I'm drawing from the great surrealist masters of the past in

hopes of assaulting the... God, I'm sorry.

You okay?

You want to know about my childhood?

I really don't. You want to go there?

I really don't. Okay, fine, we'll go there. Oh, no, Russell, we were doing so

well. No, no, see, that's not how this works, Amy. You open the can, so here

the worms.

I grew up in a mid -century ranch house. My father, if you can even call him

that, was a stay -at -home dad, though we spent plenty of time together.

His interest in my well -being was...

My mother, if you can even call her that, was a tenured history professor,

she spent much of my early childhood on sabbaticals so she could nourish my

intellectual growth.

God damn it!

Do you know how difficult it is to be an artist with no history of trauma to

draw from?

I'm so sorry, Russell. I didn't know. Do you want to continue?

If I quit now, do I still collect my entire appearance fee? No. Okay, then

soldier on. Over here is a cactus, a clown, and a spaceship.

Okay, Russell, I'm going to use the word understand to describe my feelings here

towards the clown and the spaceship, but the bloody guillotine and the heavy

rack of Elizabethan capes, I'm confused.

Good question, Amy. Those are from a failed production of Henry VIII.

Okay, well, how do they fit into a nursery thing? They do not. We lost our

storage space.

I and the owner had a difference of policy, specifically what constitutes a

living space, and let me tell you something, it wasn't living.

Russell, I can't let you leave all these props here.

Oh, my God, Amy.

Amy, we're going to have to discuss this later because I have a show to do and

it's places, and I still have to apply my sideburns. Wait.

Russell Schnaubel, everyone.

Now that we have our nursery worked out, why don't we head over to my bedroom to

meet Piper Porchmouth, the designer of a wonderful new maternity line.

Oh!

Thanks so much for joining us, Piper Portsmouth from Plymouth. Actually, it's

Piper Portsmith from Plymouth.

It doesn't matter. Now, Piper, tell us about your maternity line.

I decided to design my own line of fashion forward maternity clothes called

Here to Maternity. Why don't we take a look at some of your designs?

Now, I thought it would be fun, Amy, if you modeled a few of the pieces.

What? No, I don't think I'd make a very good pregnant woman. My stomach is flat

as a worked board. Oh, don't you worry, because I brought this.

What? I don't know. I've been trying to avoid that. That's why I had a

vasectomy. Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

Oh, I should have gotten his name.

We're releasing his face.

Oh!

Okay. Wow. All right. Well, let's try something on.

Oh, let's see.

Why don't we try this? Ooh, that's pretty.

Salmon, okay.

Now, this dress is fashionable from conception to crowning.

All right, Amy, let's see how it looks.

Okay.

What do you think?

I think I look like a mom.

I feel, I don't know, complete.

Piper, we're running short on time. Where can we find your designs?

From Here to Maternity is available at all major maternity outlets, including

the Gestation Station, Midwife Crisis, and Senior Stork. Oh, well, that sounds

fantastic. Thank you so much.

Piper, Portsmouth, everyone.

Goodbye. Bye -bye.

Okay. Well, we have an adorable nursery, the perfect maternity clothes. Now we

just need a name. I'll see you in the living room.

Choosing a name for your child is a very personal process, so I decided to

invite a few random people to throw in their two cents.

What, this?

Oh, no, I was just getting in the spirit of the show. Now, I asked you all over

to throw out some baby names, and I thought maybe... I think it should be a

family name.

Nonsense. Firstborn should always be named after a great ship, like Lusitania

Queen Mary II.

Well, I don't know. I was thinking... The best criteria for picking a name is

find something you don't mind screaming at at a playground.

Archibald, stop throwing sand in her face.

Lucretia, why is there sand in your face?

Well, if I can just... Hold on, Amy. You want a name that's common, so if you

get ratted out by a stoolie, you can say... I'm sorry, officer. You must be

looking for a different John Johnson.

Oh, Chatter, that's idiotic. If you want a good baby name, look no further than

the garden. Rose, Petunia, Iris, Wandering Jew.

Now, Patricia, I think you'd want something more austere than a simple

name. A name that will inspire rough -hewn men to rally around on the high

like... Captain Jean, or Rear Admiral Ashley.

I'd follow those men anywhere.

But I really think I was... What do you two know about picking a baby name?

Patty. Patty runs with Thaddeus. Oh! And Leslie, that's a lady's name.

Leslie's just a nickname.

Short for Leslie Ann.

Good one! And look who's talking anyway. Chastity named that for the rustling

shell of a Pontiac. That Pontiac was my father's pride and joy. You don't know

who your father is. Listen to me. I'm going to name my baby the way I want to.

And I'm going to raise it however I want to.

It's kicking.

It's kicking.

an expectant mother like i am it's important to have a support system and

understands a soon -to -be mom quite like another soon -to -be mom that's why

i've invited another mom to be to help me craft beverly briberly from brinkley

get over here hi amy thank you for having me do you know what you're having

baby a real one and you a girl oh so close Well, now that we're both crafting

for two, I thought we could make a cute mobile for the nursery.

Oh. So what we're going to do is we're going to make these adorable rusty nail

baby chimes. Now, Beverly, you're probably asking why rusty nails are not

regular nails.

No, that wasn't the question that I had. Well, I use rusty nails because I think

it adds a little color. Now, what I did, and Larry, if you can get a close -up

of these, I threw these nails out in the yard a few months ago during an

emotional downswing so I could search for and collect them during a manic

That's why it's the perfect craft for a pregnant woman or anyone with hormonal

instability.

Are you okay?

I'm so sorry. My back is just hurting.

Do you think I could pull up one of the stools?

Oh, yeah. No, please. Of course. You know, it's funny.

Mine is killing me, too.

Oh, my goodness.

It feels so much better on my pregnant back. Yeah, doesn't it? Oh, what a great

idea to take the time out to sit down.

So, here is my finished project.

Oh, that's a good stretch right there.

Doesn't that just look terrific?

What? Oh, she's kicking.

Ow! Oh, mine too. Even harder than yours.

Let me tell you, this has been so great having you on. I feel like we speak the

same language. I just feel, I feel so supported right now.

Do you feel supported?

Oh, I do. Because I have a very loving and caring husband at home who's getting

me through all of this. Oh.

Right, absolutely.

You do not want to go through this alone.

I also have a father of this baby who loves me, and I'm sure wishes he could

a part of all of this, which is why I can't wait to tell him all about what's

happening. Good luck. Thank you so much. Okay, wobble out.

There you go.

Oh,

that's a big jump. Okay, as previously discussed, one of the most important

steps in any pregnancy is alerting the father.

Oh, and there he is now.

Oh, my gosh. Come in, Dan.

You look exactly the same.

So do you, Mr. Sedaris.

Is your daughter here?

Dan, it's me, Amy.

Oh, yes, of course it is. I... Oh, my gosh. I couldn't... Under the bright

studio lights, I couldn't tell who I was looking at. Yes, of course. You are

Amy.

That's your face. Welcome to my show, Dan. I want to say hi to the audience.

I was surprised to get a phone call from you, Amy, after so long. Yeah.

I've been following your show and everything. Oh, wow.

Yeah. I have wonderful news, Dan.

What is it? I'm pregnant.

Really?

And you're the father.

Well, that would be a neat trick.

I'm not kidding, Dan. This is really happening.

I'm pregnant with your baby.

Our baby.

I haven't seen you in 15 years.

It's a cryptic pregnancy, Dan. See, many years ago, your sperm, your sperm, Dan,

attached itself to my second uterus, sort of like a barnacle on a sunken sea

vessel, where it went into a hibernatory remission. I don't think we need to go

into all the scientific details. The short story is, you better get a second

job, because we're a family now, and we have expenses.

Ah, look, I already have a family.

I'm happily married with children.

Yeah?

What are you doing here?

You called me.

That's right, I did.

I just want to be part of your life again, Dan.

Is that too much for the mother of your child to ask?

I think maybe it was a mistake coming here, and I should just go.

I will not be ignored, Dan.

What, you think you can just screw me and toss me to the curb, Dan?

We went to a boat show 15 years ago with a group of other people. I don't think

I even left with you. I am pregnant with your child.

I want a little respect.

I'm 58 years old. This may be the last chance I get to have a child.

Has this pregnancy been confirmed by a doctor?

I don't call a doctor every time I think something's going inside of me. Who

does that?

Oh, Dan.

Dan.

Remember that time at the boat show in Beaufort?

Why can't we be like that again?

Don't we look good together? Don't we?

I wish you all the luck in the world, but I have to go.

I'll call your wife.

What did you say?

It only takes a phone call.

You stay away from my family. You need to show some responsibility.

Dan, look, I'm sorry. Look.

I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot. Look, I got us tickets to see Madame

Butterfly. Right here at the Raleigh Little Theater.

Two tickets.

Three, really.

I know how much you like the opera.

Wait, Dean.

I'm Bartlett, everyone.

Let's head into the living room.

It's important to get organized before the baby comes, especially if you'll be

doing it alone, without the father.

I'm sorry. If you can just excuse me for just one moment.

Can you come over?

I'm not feeling well.

Please, sit.

I don't think I can do this alone.

Amy Lou.

Now, Patricia, I think you should let me handle this.

Why don't you take the weight off your feet, Amy?

Sit here.

Isn't that better?

Now, you will not be alone because your friends are here.

What she needs is a good whack across the snot with a rolled up newspaper.

Listen to me, Amy Lou. You are without child and you are without wit.

Now, I am going to slap you. You need to prepare your face.

This comes from a place of love.

Patricia, can I speak with you a moment?

Listen to me, Patty.

I've only seen this phenomenon in flounder, seahorses, and certain clams.

What are you saying there, Lesbo?

Hysterical pregnancy.

Hypernatal matricosis.

Her motherly instinct is stronger than her rational thought.

The situation needs to be gently diffused. Diffused with a rolled -up

She's gone.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

So, you're not pregnant?

Pregnant? How can I be pregnant?

When I've just given birth.

I want you to meet my baby.

Huckleberry. Oh, my sweet Jesus.

I may have been mistaken in my approach.

Are you hungry?

Yeah? You're hungry?

Oh, okay.

That's okay.

There you go.

You got it.

We'll be right back.

Oh, oh, he's clamped on. Careful.

Oh, they're so tender.

Welcome back. There are so many baby foods on the market out there.

Powdered, chunky, strained. But, you know, sometimes you just want a steak.

Today we're going to learn how to make nutritious baby food. Get out of here,

Chassie.

Look at this.

Oh, this is my baby Huckleberry.

What are we doing?

Okay, well, we are making our own baby food. What we're going to do is we're

going to chop up these sweet potatoes and we're going to toss them into the

steamer. How long is this going to take? Remember, you promised to take me

skating.

Chessie, I can't take you skating today.

I have to practice tummy time with Huckleberry.

But you promised.

Chessie, I have a baby now. Things are going to be a little different around

here.

I don't want things to be different.

I want things to be the same.

No, Chessie, please. Okay, we can't do this right now. What I want you to do is

chop up the sweet potatoes, okay? We're going to chop them up.

Okay.

Sweet potato.

Oh. Oh, suddenly you noticed me.

Well, why don't you have your stupid baby chop the sweet potatoes if he's so

born? Okay, Chassie, put the knife down. Put the knife down.

Ow, ow, ow.

Oh, I did not hurt you, Chassie. I'm bleeding.

You're not bleeding.

So why don't you plug in the blender? Just plug the blender in.

Come on. Pull out the plastic piece, okay? I had it baby -proof.

I... I... Okay, Chassie, here. I want you to hold Huckleberry. I'll do it.

It's always good to have help in the kitchen.

Okay, pull it out.

Chassie! I was just holding him over the water because he looked cold.

I wasn't going to put him in. Chassie, once your sweet potatoes are cubed and

steamed, okay, like so, we're going to put them into the blender like this.

Like that.

Put the lid on it. Look, we got the lid on it. Turn it on.

Oh, my goodness.

Will you look at that?

Take a look at the variety of foods you can match.

Potatoes and tomatoes, peas and cheese, carrot coins and tenderloins.

Did I tell you what happened to me and the Alfonso twins down at the liquor

store?

You're not even listening to me.

Everything now is just baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.

Well, I have needs too, you know. I wish you never even had me on this show.

Jesse!

Jesse!

Having a baby can really change the whole family dynamic. But the more...

most important challenge for us new mothers is getting that pre -baby body

But how are we going to find time to exercise when you're taking care of a

full time?

I just think I might have the answer.

Hey, Amy.

Hey, Justin!

Hey, are you wearing eye makeup?

No. Oh.

Say, me and all the other teenagers are gonna go pour some gasoline on this old

leather soccer ball, light it on fire, kick it under some parked cars. You

go? Hell yeah! Let me grab some matches!

Right on.

Yeah!

Yes!

Oh.

Oh, yeah, right.

They say the first day is pretty important baby bonding time, so I better

Sure, yeah.

I just... Hope this doesn't start to happen all the time and then we lose

forever.

Come on, Krooky, let's go.

No. Well, Justin, maybe after Huckleberry goes down for a nap.

Hey, Dan, are you still in the green room?

I'm in the craft room. Can we speak in the kitchen room?

I don't want any trouble.

And Dan, I thought you might want to meet your son.

He looks just like you.

Meet Huckleberry.

Oh.

Okay.

In case you're interested, it was a pretty tough labor.

There was a lot of tearing.

I had to sew his arm back on. But it was worth it. Isn't he amazing?

Yeah.

I'm very happy for you.

Yeah. I should go.

Look, Dan, I think you should know this has been the hardest 20 minutes of my

life. I just don't know if I can be a mom and still have a lot of fun.

You know how to do this. Would you raise him, Dan?

What does that mean exactly?

You take him and you walk out this door.

I think it would be best for the baby if you raised him as your own.

You can change his name. I don't care.

So I take this and we cut all ties. I never see you again.

That's correct.

Do you mind if I just have a moment with him before you do?

When we return, how to turn a baby room back into

a craft room.

Welcome back to my very special episode on babies.

We've learned a lot today.

Most importantly, I'm not ready to be a mom just yet. My advice to any woman out

there who is unsure about whether or not they're ready to raise a child, I say

have one and try it out for a day.

You'll figure it out real quick.

I'll see you next time. Good night.