Original subtitles

[music]

I once read that love is like an hourglass,

with the heart filling up while the brain empties.

This is my all-time favorite quote.

You ask any of my friends, and they'll tell you it sums up who I am,

what I suffer from,

and why I'm doomed to never find mature, lasting love.

My name is Amy Mandell.

I'm 29 years old, Jewish, Ivy League educated,

and as of very recently, I am a success in my chosen field.

I'm a best-selling author in the booming area of self-help.

You see, I tell women how to feel complete, without men in their lives,

and as you can see, I've become somewhat of a media sensation.

I know. Things look great.

I'm pretty.

I have cellulite on my ass,

and it's spreading down to the bottom of my thighs.

I'm famous,

although I could easily be one of those one-hit wonders

who people expect the world from and end up with nothing.

And I'm rich.

I sold my book for more than I care to admit.

The problem is, I'm caught in a timeless cliché where

money not only doesn't buy happiness,

it holds up a magnifying glass for why you see your deepest emptiness.

They say I'm rich, and I'm still unhappy.

Oy, now what?

Thank you all for coming. Thank you for coming.

- Get out of the way. - My publicist, Janet, insists

that I see her therapist, Danny,

but there's nothing he's going to tell me that I don't already know.

Amy, listen to me. You're not listening to me.

Fine.

Besides, I'm the one with the answers to everyone else's problems.

I decided to take my own shot at self-help.

I started going to confession.

Oh, yes, I know. I'm Jewish.

So what? It's free and pretty anonymous.

I like that.

We've actually hit it off, me and Richard Chamberlain Jr.

The thought of seducing a celibate man away from his allegiance to God

has become the fodder for my naughtiest pornographic fantasies.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh.

Okay, I'll stop now.

I know you're probably getting a little freaked out.

I look normal,

but like everyone else on this planet, I'm misguided, horny,

and ultimately just a hopeless romantic looking to connect.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Come on. Tell us.

No, you have to tell us what's going on first.

We just can't wait any longer.

Well...

You had sex. I knew this would happen.

Oh, my God. Now, you have to listen to me, Amy.

You are at the height of your career.

You cannot let a man get in the way of everything that we've accomplished.

Janet, stop it.

I've only been invited to speak

at the Women of the Millennium March in Washington this fall.

[screams]

That's great.

How come I didn't know about this? I'm your publicist, for Christ's sake.

I knew nothing about this.

I never heard about this until right this minute.

- How long have you known? - Did you have sex?

Wait. We're not on that.

I'm sorry. I just, I was thrown.

It's okay. It's all right.

Wait. Look at me.

Are you using the Retin-A I told you to use for your crow's feet?

Janet, I told you I hate that stuff. It burns. It dries my skin.

It doesn't matter. You looked really shitty on Leno.

You need to use it.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night, guys. - Good night.

Oh, my God. She's a crazy nut.

- Did you valet? - No.

Amy, you just sold your book for like a million dollars.

- What are you doing? - I found a great spot on the street.

Why would I valet?

We'll walk you.

Actually, Elizabeth and I wanted some time alone with you.

We really think you need to get back out there.

Why? So I can find someone to walk me to my car?

No.

Because you're an amazing person and we don't want you to be alone.

Yes, I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.

Real loneliness is when you're with someone

and you're still alone.

There are a lot of great women out there who are in relationships

who can be alone and still be very happy.

Sorry about that. I just tripped on your soapbox.

Don, come on. I don't appreciate that.

Come on. We're your friends, not your audience.

Listen. I believe what I write in my book, okay?

Women don't need men to feel complete.

The more we accomplish alone, the more we have to

bring into a relationship when we find the right person.

You can't just magically find the right person.

People learn about themselves by being in a lot of relationships.

That's how when you've found the right person.

That's right, baby.

All right. Listen. You don't test drive people.

It's too much wear and tear on the soul.

I'll know when it's right and it hasn't been right yet, okay?

Okay.

What about sex? People do have sex.

Sex is the logical outgrowth of love, okay?

Without love, it's just-- It just--

It just--

Oh, somebody needs to get laid.

[music]

Sometimes I wouldn't mind having some strange man

break into my room in the middle of the night

and just fuck my brains out.

As long as he was clean, good-looking, and Jewish.

Hey.

Where you been? It's been like weeks.

- I've been doing the talk show circuit. - And?

I'm a fraud and I know it's just a matter of time before I'm discovered.

Why do you think you're a fraud?

Because I have an entire generation of young women listening to me

when I've never even had a successful relationship my entire life.

I've never even had good sex.

Well, I've had good sex. Not great sex.

- Do you know what I mean? - Uh--

The truth is, I don't even know what a relationship is.

What it means.

I write about it like I do so people listen.

I'm just lonely and I'm so horny.

Talk about lonely and horny.

- I think you're the perfect man for me. - That's because you can't have me.

Did you ever read The Thorn Birds?

Read it. I got the laser disc.

You're listening to the Matthew Starr Show

where L.A.'s sexiest women bare their souls and other things.

Your tits are fake, right?

My tits are fake, but you know what, Matthew?

- My ass is real. - You've slept with over 400 men.

- Janet? - What?

How could you have put me on this guy's show?

My God. First of all, he's a total pig

and my tits are real and I won't show them to him.

What are we going to do for half an hour?

That's the question everybody's going to be asking.

Look, honey, you have to do Matthew Starr's show.

He reaches 250,000 men every single day.

We have to convince people that you're not a Jewish Ivy League whine.

You're a sexy woman.

Forget about Matthew Starr right now. Make sure you sign these.

I want you to sign each one individually. All right?

God, I just, I don't know why I was even invited to do this,

I'm a self-help author, not a freedom fighter.

Here's a list of the committee.

I'm nervous. I don't want to go.

Oh, honey, the Women of the Millennium March

will reach every American woman in need of self-help.

That would basically be every woman in America, except me.

[chuckles]

Women.

Looking at themselves, speaking their truths.

That's what this march is all about.

It's amazing how women are always being presented

as using their sexuality to either control or destroy men.

If not that, then we're using our sexuality

to survive as whores or trophy wives

because we're too stupid to rely upon anything else.

Women. We're such tricky creatures.

we espouse sisterhood, emotional maturity, communication.

That's what these meetings are about.

The truth is, we hate each other.

How'd it go?

Great. They were all really nice.

Oh, please.

They're a bunch of bleeding-cunt feminists for Christ's sake.

It's all for show.

Ahem.

Oh, you have that Matthew Starr interview tomorrow morning,

and next Monday you have the lecture at UCLA.

Oh, I made you an appointment at Anastasia this afternoon

to have your eyebrows plucked.

- Everyone thinks they need to be shaped. - Who told you that?

Everyone.

At least people are not saying that you're too fat anymore.

Today, I keep my listeners guessing.

We're going to go to higher ground with best-selling author Amy Mandell,

writer of the book, Why Love Doesn't Work.

I've got to tell you, in my radio booth, love always works.

Oh, hi. I'm Michelle. I'm Matthew's producer.

You are Amy Mandell, right? I recognized you from your book jacket.

Matthew is on the phone with a girlfriend,

one of the many, like I'm one to talk.

Wow. You're a lot thinner in person.

Listen, why don't you get yourself a cup of coffee or something

and he''ll be ready for you in a few minutes.

Amy's here.

Mandell, the writer.

She's out getting some coffee.

We're on this morning with best-selling author Amy Mandell,

writer of the book, Why Love Doesn't Work.

Tell me, Amy, why doesn't love work for a beautiful girl like you?

You'll have to read my book to find that out.

- I did read your book. - And?

I was expecting some closet dyke to walk in here,

but I have to tell the listeners,

this girl has a set of headlights on her to light up any man's inner darkness.

That's right, LA, Amy Mandell is one hot piece of ass.

Which made me start to think, I started wondering,

do you really believe this crap that you write in your book that

women are actually happier not having sex,

or is that just some calculated lie

to sell books to angry women who can't get laid?

I don't say women are happier without having sex.

I say they're happier without having sex with jerks like you

who reduce us to a pair of tits and ass as soon as we enter your sight line

and put you in touch with your, what was it, your inner darkness?

You're a high maintenance piece of ass, but that's okay.

Because you know I'm right.

No, because I know you're very sexy,

and you're one colossal orgasm just waiting to happen.

Look, let's cut the crap.

Some Ivy League putt screwed you over,

and now you've decided to swear off men

and make a living at it to boot, is that right?

Maybe.

But you like me,

and you'll probably think about me when you go home tonight and masturbate.

You're probably right.

It's a shame I could never date you.

Why's that?

Slut, trollop, tramp, whore.

Now you're turning me on.

Those are all words that would describe you if you were a woman.

You're not. You're a man.

A stud.

I don't date studs.

You don't date at all.

Repression, anger, self-hatred, fear,

all wrapped up in a chastity belt of baby fat.

Wait, Amy.

Look, I'm sorry if I went too far in there.

It's the nature of the show. I didn't mean to.

Yes, you did.

Okay, only the part about you being sexy.

I thought you were great in there.

Look, I don't usually get guests who are sexy and smart

and who can one-up me like that.

- It usually takes three guests. - I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

I did.

So did you.

Come on, I'd like to see you again.

Why?

Because I like you and I'm attracted to you.

I'm attracted to you, but I don't like you.

I don't understand that.

Read my book. It might enlighten you.

Okay.

You quote me any passage from your book,

and if I can guess the chapter it's from,

you give me your phone number.

Okay.

"The primary difference between a man and a woman

is that a man gets his self-esteem when a woman says yes

and a woman gets hers when she says no."

Chapter 12.

- I'm so tense. - You're kidding me.

This is about the first time you've been touched in how long?

All right, don't start with me right now.

It's really not normal to keep your sexuality so precious.

You haven't been laid in, let's see, in about 25 years.

Oh, am I boring you?

- Are you bored? - Come on, please.

Janet, listen to me.

I'm not just going to have sex to-- I know, I know.

I'm not just going to have sex to give myself the faulty sense

that I'm experiencing--

- I can't believe you just did that. - That's exactly what I'm talking about.

We love each other. It's natural.

You just had an experience.

- One second. - This is really embarrassing.

- I'm not gay. - Why not?

Thank you.

I think your book is one of the most insightful pieces

of female psychology I've ever read.

How can you know so much at such a young age?

I really don't know that much.

- I just write what I've experienced. - You're a kid.

How could you possibly experience half of what it would take

to make such an arrogant assumption?

You're saying that women should jump ship and not even give love a chance.

You have no right to write a book like this.

My daughters take you seriously.

It's taken me three marriages to figure this stuff out.

Not even give love a chance.

[gunshot]

[screaming]

Oh, so it's my fault that some psychopath tried to kill me.

What do you expect when you tell men that women don't need them?

If I weren't your father, I'd shoot you.

Alan, that's sick.

Honey, Sandy Bear read your book three times.

She's a smart gal.

She thinks it's the best book ever written on contemporary relationships.

Look at all that money you made.

Now all you need is someone to share it with.

Mom, why does there always have to be something missing?

Why do I always have to fall one step short?

Why can't we just be honest with you?

We're your parents. We want to see you happy.

Honey, what's the point of success

if you don't have someone to share it with that you love?

- You think I don't know that? - Of course you know that.

It's not like I can just go out there and miraculously find the right person.

It's not like I have his phone number and won't give him a call.

I don't have his phone number, and he's not fucking listed.

What did we do?

I didn't do anything wrong.

We're back with Shannon Steele,

national spokeswoman for saline breast implants.

At first I had silicone,

but then I decided they were too hard, so I got saline.

Oh, my God, they are so nice.

I lay down, they spread out,

they don't poke your eye out like a torpedo.

They're great.

I should show them to you. You want to see them?

They're really-- Hello?

Do you want to see my tits or not?

Matthew, want to see my boobs?

What are you thinking about?

[music]

Chapter 12.

I don't get it.

Neither do I.

Sex is the logical outgrowth of love.

"Without love, it's an empty and needy display of--

The primary difference between a man and a woman

is that a man gets his self-esteem when a woman says yes,

and a woman gets hers when she says no."

- Hello? - Hi, it's Matthew Starr.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm going out.

Do you have a date?

No, I'm going out with some friends.

Oh.

I have two front-row seats

to the Brahms Chamber Group on Tuesday night,

and I have no one that I feel close enough to go with.

Do you actually like classical music, or is this a ploy based on Chapter 4?

You'll just have to come out with me Tuesday night to find out.

- Okay. - Really?

I hope these are free, because everything else is so expensive.

I met someone.

Really?

Oh, we're waiting.

He interviewed me on the radio the other day.

Not Matthew Starr. Please tell me it's not Matthew Starr.

I just pray it's not. Come on.

- You know his reputation. - No.

Oh, well, he's after the real story.

It's the one he's going to tell right after she gives him a blowjob,

and then she's history.

Please, she's paranoid enough about men as it is.

Why can't you just say, "You know what, hey, that's great"?

Why should I say that? It's not great.

Amy, that's great. How old is he?

He's 37.

- How many times has he been married? - Never.

Never? Let's see.

He's pushing 40. He's never been married.

What do you think that means? It means he can't commit to a relationship.

It means everything to your idea of being special to someone.

Think of who he slept with. Everyone.

Everyone? Everyone.

Amy Mandell. Feminist icon.

Matthew Stern. Big fuck-around pig.

Loser. Loser.

Loser. Loser.

Wow, you got a beautiful posture. Look at me.

Look at me.

I got to stop one moment.

I got to stop because you're a very, very, very beautiful woman.

I'm telling you, I see a lot of women.

I see a lot of women in the afternoon, in the morning, at night, all the time.

They come to me.

Oh, my God. Look up a little bit. That's it.

You're beautiful, It's like, I know. I saw you and I was like,

what are you doing this weekend?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

A beautiful woman like you alone in the weekend in the city?

No, no, no. Not so early.

Look at me. Look at me.

She's breaking my concentration. What are you doing?

- What is she doing? - You're freaking me out.

No. I'm not freaking you out.

Because you know what I'm doing? I got to get the cover.

With you over there breaking my concentration,

what am I going to get?

I'm going to get like the middle page, maybe page number 44.

What is that? You want a cover?

You want a cover? You go in the back.

She want a cover? You go in the back.

He's such an asshole.

He really needs a haircut. I just hope he took a good picture.

Oh, Amy, I forgot to tell you.

We have a really important party tomorrow night.

I have plans and I can't go.

What are you doing?

I'm busy. I'm going on a date.

You're kidding me.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me it's with that opportunistic Matthew Starr guy.

Oh, come on. You don't even know him.

Oh, well, I don't need to. Men are all the same.

- They're not all the same. - They are.

- Why do you do that to me? - You can dress them up a little differently,

but they're all run by the same throbbing, senseless motor.

I, for one, will never have another one of those in my mouth again

for as long as I live.

Thank you for sharing that.

[music]

[doorbell rings]

Hi.

Hi.

Aren't you going to let me in?

Yes, come on in.

You've done well at 28.

I'll be 29 next month.

Still, you've done well. I'm 37, I don't own a house.

It brings up a lot of issues, owning a house.

What do you mean?

I don't know, I never thought I'd buy a house alone.

A house is something that you share with someone.

That doesn't sound like something you'd write in your book.

I believe everything that I write.

Okay.

This is my office.

Where all the brilliance happens.

More frustration and mediocrity.

This is my bedroom.

Where all the brilliance happens.

More frustration and mediocrity.

[music]

What happened with your last boyfriend

that inspired you to write a book about hating men?

My book isn't about hating men.

God, it's about women loving themselves.

Who was he?

He was a long time ago.

I met him when I first moved out here.

He was a writer, pretty well known and I was impressed,

but when it came time to share my goals,

he really didn't take me too seriously.

I guess you could say he treated me more like a little girl than a woman,

except in bed, of course.

That's where it was okay to be a woman.

Who dumped who?

I hate that word, dumped.

Human beings don't dump each other. We're not garbage.

People end relationships.

I guess he dumped you.

[chuckles]

[music]

I had a really good time tonight.

[music]

Oh.

- What's your disorder? - What do you mean?

The last girl I went out with was an alcoholic.

The one before that was bulimic. Before that, anorexic.

Jesus, what does that say about you?

That I fall for really fucked up women.

[laughs]

My disorder is that you will never find out what my disorder is.

It's just guarded and afraid. Everyone's like that to some degree.

The inability to share my life with somebody.

Too general. Everyone's afraid to let someone in.

- Then-- - What?

I haven't had sex in four years.

It's such a big deal for me that having it with the wrong person could just

really devastate me forever, so I don't have it.

That's my disorder.

I never have sex. I'm a sexorexic.

[music]

What's your disorder?

I already told you. I always go for really screwed up women.

- That's it? - That's it.

That's all you're going to give me?

I thought I was the guarded one.

Well, I had a really nice time tonight. Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me walk you to the door.

No, that's okay.

Don't kiss me when we get to the door.

- I wasn't going to. - All right.

I just don't want it to be all awkward and everything.

Understood.

Okay. Thanks again.

Good night.

Amy.

Thanks for taking a chance on me.

[music]

- Good night. - Good night.

[music]

I suck.

[music]

[telephone rings]

Hello.

Yes, listen, Jerry Hageman wants to do an interview with you tomorrow.

Are you serious?

I had to tell you.

It's my responsibility as your publicist, but you know what I think.

Yes, Janet, I know what you think.

He's so pompous, he's so conservative,

and I'm telling you, this is too dangerous.

I don't want you to do it. I want you to forget it.

Book it.

Amy, come on-- Amy?

Amy? Amy?

[telephone rings]

- Janet, I've made my decision - What's the decision?

Oh.

Hi

Why don't you come over on Friday and I'll take you out to dinner.

I'm still waiting for you to disclose your disorder to me.

I'm still waiting for a good night kiss.

Great.

I'll call you later on in the week and give you directions.

Wait, I didn't say that I was--

[music]

We're continuing with Kiss and Tell on the Matthew Starr Show.

Last week I went toe to toe or should I say tit for tat

with one of my guests.

She agreed to go out with me, but on this version of Kiss and Tell,

there was no goodnight kiss.

I'm talking about that hot little writer of Why Love Doesn't Work.

Would you look at those fucking tits, huh?

- Nice to be here. - Thank you for coming.

Tell me, how do you reconcile

your heightened views of romance

with your base view of sexuality?

I think that at heart every woman is the classic virgin whore

which is why we find that women are much more complex than men.

Where men are basically all whore,

women are fighting this constant bipolarization

that keeps them at once more thoughtful,

but also more neurotic and secure and emotional.

That's my girl.

It boils down to this, Jerry.

- We all want hot, nasty sex. - Oh.

Not just men. Women want that too.

It's the context of that sex that separates us from each other,

that makes us different creatures.

For example. I met this guy last night at a party.

We went back to his place and had the most unbelievable sex.

- I don't even know his name. - You whore.

For a man, you never hear a man say, I had bad sex.

I met this girl last night at a party, gorgeous girl,

and we went back to my place and had unbelievable sex.

The best part is, I don't even know her name.

Man, that's fantastic, dude. You're a go-getter.

- Right? [chuckles] - Give me a high five.

For a man, any type of sex is good,

even if it's with some girl that they despise.

Why is that?

Because the part of sex that's linked to a man's self-esteem

is the act of conquest.

That's how he's been brought up since he was a child.

For a woman, it's a whole different thing.

For a woman, sex is healthy only when the man

falls in love with her afterwards.

I think you're a lesbian.

All of this work, all of these things,

moving towards understanding men and women better,

maybe all of that is just you avoiding

your own uncomfortable sexuality.

Jerry, I don't think I'm a lesbian because when I fantasize,

I fantasize about sucking dick.

[music]

I like her.

I can't believe that you said sucking dicks on the air.

What were you thinking? No wonder somebody tried to shoot you.

Oh, please.

Amy, this is not the image of you that we're trying to create.

I'm not trying to create an image, Janet.

I'm trying to be honest with the public. I'm trying to have a sense of humor.

Yes, well, while you're being honest with the public,

you're trashing my reputation.

I have a reputation, too.

Miss Mandell.

You know what? It's always about you.

I feel like it's just always about you.

It's so ridiculous. You don't care.

Please. How dare you?

Don't you insult me.

Do you have any idea how much I do for you?

Do you know how many people hate you?

No, I never tell you about that. What are the critics saying?

They're saying pubescent whining.

One of them, no, I didn't happen to agree with this,

says you're bottom heavy.

No, I never told you. I don't tell you because I protect you.

I protect you and your precious, precious ego.

Oh, my ego.

All you care about is yourself.

Fine.

If you feel that way, then you get yourself another publicist.

Oh, please.

This has nothing to do with this interview. It's about what happened the other day.

What?

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

What are you talking-- Oh, the other day when I kissed you?

Oh, you're kidding. Oh, honey, I just did that for you.

I can get any woman that I want.

- Can I watch? - Oh, fuck off.

Do you know what the funny thing is? I don't even think you want me.

You did it to control me, to put me on the spot and embarrass me.

Please, can we not be so self-involved?

It's true. You know I'm not gay.

Did you even consider my feelings for one instant?

No. All you feel is some bizarre rejection

at not getting something that you didn't even want in the first place.

It must be really nice to have all the answers to life

while you're really busy not living it.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Lenny, I need that file.

Do you have a problem?

No, but half our callers will

when they find out you're dating Amy Mandell.

- You like it? - Oh, God, they're amazing.

- You are so talented. - Oh, thank you.

Listen, when are you going to come with me in my boat?

I'm seeing someone.

[music]

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Because you find the one guy who's good to you,

he's happy, you're happy, I'm happy, it's okay.

If this guy one time he's not good to you,

you come to me.

[music]

Wow. This is great.

Let me show you the rest of the place.

This is my bedroom.

It's a great bed.

Hard as a rock.

Frustration or mediocrity?

No, more brilliance.

Come on.

I think you need a drink.

Martini would be great.

[music]

Cheers.

Cheers.

I think you're going to have to kiss me later.

[music]

Tell me about your family.

- What do you want to know? - Are you close?

Close.

My father and I talk.

What about your mother?

We don't speak.

Just because I have a shitty relationship with my mother

doesn't mean I hate women.

I didn't say it did.

But you know your mom's never going to change.

You're the one who has to reach out and make the effort to change things.

Look, I know this sounds horrible, but the way I see it,

you don't choose your family.

You're stuck with them.

You choose your friends, your lovers.

It's God's second chance of letting you fix everything

that was fucked up in your childhood.

Yes, but your lovers are just an extension of your parents.

If you don't heal your rift with your mom,

you're going to replay the same drama with all your girlfriends.

This is a date.

It's not therapy.

Is there a difference?

[music]

Thanks.

Well, I should go home now.

Okay, I'll walk you to your car.

Don't worry, I won't try and kiss you.

Actually, I'd like to come in.

Okay.

I'm glad you like to drink.

Oh, I like to drink. I like to eat.

Yes.

No sex, huh?

Only with the right person.

I think I'm as paranoid about marriage as you are of sex.

I'm not paranoid about sex.

I just think it's important.

They say for a man, marriage is the death of desire,

and that for a woman, sex is the end of romance,

which is why friendship is so desirable.

God, here I go. I'm writing my next book.

I'm sorry.

You're very cute.

I'm really scared to kiss you.

[music]

Are you okay?

Yes.

Wow.

[music]

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

Don't think, just pretend you're one of those nasty sluts in a porn film.

Fuck his brains out. Fuck his brains out.

Fuck his brains out. Give him a blow job.

Okay, but don't have sex with him, just give him a blow job.

Okay.

You can give him a blow job, but you've got to have sex with him first.

Okay.

I wonder if I'd be selfish if I just had him go down on me.

[music]

Ow.

I haven't had sex in such a long time.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

[moans]

I've got you, under my skin.

I've got you, deep in the heart of me.

So deep in my heart--

[noise]

What happened?

I had sex last night.

Let me guess, the guy that you wouldn't even let kiss you good night?

Yes.

Did you use protection?

Oh, that's a long story, but let me tell you,

we didn't have intercourse, so that was not a problem.

Well, you didn't really have sex.

Oral sex. Trust me, that's sex.

I mean, for a woman, I think it's the best sex.

Not that I can speak for all women,

but it's a fact that the clitoris is the female penis,

which makes sense that oral sex for a woman is intercourse.

Could you just keep it down a notch?

Anyway, I've been crying all day long. I am so afraid.

What are you afraid of?

That he'll lose interest now that he has me.

Whoa, just because he kind of had sex doesn't mean he has you.

Yes, it does. The power has shifted,

Men are constantly on their best behavior while in pursuit,

but once they get what they want, the struggle is over, they move on.

You want to know something? No.

Assholes move on, okay?

Can I just say that? You know who moves on?

Assholes move on, and if this guy's an asshole--

I guess we haven't still figured out if he is an asshole or not,

but if he is an asshole, then you know something?

You are way better off without him.

How many times did I just say asshole?

It doesn't take much for any guy to know

he's supposed to call the day after.

If not, I'm sorry, but he's a schmuck.

Yes, well, maybe he's waiting for me to call.

Well, you know if he is, that's bullshit,

because he's a guy, he knows he's supposed to call.

Why are you making her more upset? It's only seven o'clock, he'll call.

I know he's going to call;

I'm just saying I would always call a girl after a date.

I'd do it in a cute way so it wasn't awkward,

I'd wait a little bit, and then I'd call the girl and say,

"Hey, is two hours too soon to say that I had a great time?

I'd like to do it again." See, you're laughing, it was cute.

You never did that with me.

Sure, I did.

No, you didn't.

- I did. - No, you didn't.

Of course, I--

Let's not do this now, okay?

This is Amy's time.

She opened up to someone tonight, and that is a very big step for her, right?

You have no messages.

Oh, I should've turned off the light.

I should've known as soon as he got a look at my ass,

it would be a dealbreaker.

Oh, God, that's so fucked up.

If my ass is a dealbreaker, then he's not for me.

Fuck him and his passive games.

I hate men.

[music]

[doorbell rings]

- Amy Mandelll, I can't believe - Hi.

-you came to my party.

Everyone, everyone, this is Amy Mandelll,

the writer of Why Love Doesn't Work.

- Amy. - You have lost weight.

It's Cherry, it's Cherry Goldstein from Darthmouth.

- How are you? - Good.

I love your book. Why Love Doesn't Work.

Why love doesn't work. Why love doesn't work.

I've read your book three times.

I loved that chapter on--

It doesn't take much brainpower to know he's supposed to call the day after.

If not, I'm sorry, he's a schmuck.

Maybe he's waiting till you make a call.

Because he's a guy, he knows he's supposed to call.

I got to make a call, I'll be right back.

[music]

[phone rings]

- Hello? - Hello?

Amy.

Hi, I've been thinking about you all day.

Did you get my email?

[music]

I couldn't wait to see you again.

[moans]

[music]

The power of a single woman in the '90s.

Women who have achieved without being in a couple

and are still seen as sexy and desirable.

I mean what is more current than that?

Since this is your area of expertise, Amy, what are your thoughts?

[moans]

Amy?

Amy?

[moaning]

Amy?

Amy?

Amy?

[music]

Amy?

What are your thoughts on the subject?

It was already happening.

A few orgasms and I was losing brain cells by the second.

[music]

Amy Mandelll?

Michael Hendrix from the LA Times.

I still can't get your book out of my head.

I read passages to my daughter all the time.

She just loves it.

Oh, well, your review was really helpful.

Whatever I can do. I'm just--

[laughter]

I'm just a member of the frustrated book reading public.

When I find a pearl amidst the swine, I champion it.

Thank you, thank you. It's good to see you.

- Sure, you bet. You too. - Goodybye.

[music]

Excuse me, didn't I see you on a talk show?

You wrote that book?

Yes.

Honey, she wrote that book I was telling you about.

The one that says relationships can't survive in today's society.

You wrote that book?

Well, you might as well put poison on the shelves

because that's what you're spreading.

Poison.

We have a very happy relationship, but I bet you think it won't last.

Oh, of course she doesn't think it's going to last.

You know what? Do me a favor.

Just because you can't find a lasting relationship,

don't doom the rest of us, okay?

Earlier today, Amy Mandelll, flavor of the minute,

and author of that pop psychology phenomenon,

Why Love Doesn't Work,

- fainted while shopping here- - Oh, God, I am so embarrassed.

-at Frederick's of Hollywood.

Now, these people witnessed it. Can you tell us what happened?

I just told her that I hated her book,

and she just blacked out.

Baby, you didn't even read the book. He makes me do all the reading.

Really?

- I do not. - Yes, you do.

When do I even have time to read?

I'm too busy busting my ass supporting you and your prescription drug habits.

I can't believe you just said that on the news, you cock sucker.

Think of it, because of this, your sales are going to double on the book, come on.

You sound like Janet.

[phone rings] I got it.

Amy's place.

Yes, hold on.

It's for you.

- Hello? - Hi, it's Matthew.

Oh, hi.

- Are you free Friday night? - Yes.

Great, because I told my brother a lot about you,

and he really wants to meet you.

- Great, I'll be there. - Okay, bye.

So? When am I going to meet him?

When I'm secure enough to put him to the test

of another man's opinion.

Oh, that's pathetic.

I know.

[music]

Mmm. You smell good.

- This is for you. - Thank you.

Come on in.

Hi, you must be Amy.

- I'm Tina. - Hi.

This is Mike.

Hello.

I'm going to go check on the pasta.

Matthew gave me your book to read.

Did you like it?

Not really, but--

I liked it.

What didn't you like?

It's sort of hypocritical.

Mike, please.

- She doesn't need to hear that. - It's okay.

What do you mean, hypocritical?

You're dating my brother of all people.

It makes it hard to take anything you say seriously.

Just ignore him.

I think your brother's a great guy.

How well do him?

A lot better than you in a much shorter time.

When you make it to the four-month mark, let me know.

I'll get you a free suite at Caesar's Palace.

- I used to bartend there. - Yes, that's his big claim to fame.

Hey, Amy.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

The putts on the radio?

The alter ego who loves fake tits and dumb sluts?

That's the real Matthew Starr. Always has been.

- What do you think of that? - Mike, stop being a jerk.

I guess Matt should be congratulated.

Most of the girls he asks us to have dinner with

can't even read, let alone write.

Excuse me.

I can't help it. He hurt my feelings.

Look, I know my brother's a jerk.

I just thought it would be better for you to meet him sooner rather than later

and just get it over with.

That's a painful subject for you, isn't it?

Yes, I guess it is.

My whole family's screwed up.

I'm the normal one, if you can believe that.

I can believe it. I think you turned out pretty great.

Thank you.

I love you, Matthew.

I know.

Just because he didn't say it doesn't mean he doesn't.

No, I said it too soon. I fucked up.

You said it when you felt like saying it. Would you stop second-guessing yourself?

I can't take this anymore.

You are bright, you're honest, you're pretty.

Maybe you're just with a big fucking pussy who can't commit.

Oh, big fucking news.

How many times have you slept with this guy?

I don't even need to know.

All this time he can't even say I love you?

[laughs]

I've got news for you. Two words, intimacy problem.

If you couldn't have sex with this guy, would you even be with him?

Obviously you haven't read my book.

It's a yes or no question.

- I'm ready. - Just give me one second.

I just want to see if they can make this field goal, okay?

Why'd you do that?

That's a very clingy dress.

What, does it make me look fat?

No. You look great.

It's just, why are you trying to attract the attention of other men?

Because maybe you don't make me feel sexy.

Okay.

Maybe I do need other men to look at me because you don't, Don.

If we were staying home tonight, you wouldn't even notice my dress.

Okay.

Can we start over? Can we do-- I'm sorry.

Come here.

How can I not notice you?

How can I not notice this dress? You look beautiful.

- Yes? - Yes. Come here.

- Can you do me a favor? - What?

Please go change.

I love your show. I listen to it all the time.

Thank you.

No, really. Every morning on my way to work.

It must be exciting interviewing all those centerfolds all the time.

It used to be.

Now they all seem sort of boring after I interviewed Amy.

That was such a great show. I really think that was your best show.

Honey, you hardly ever listen to the show, so how would you really know?

I need to get some fresh air.

I'm sorry. She's been so sensitive lately.

Don, you were just a total asshole.

I'll be right back. I'm just going to make sure she's okay.

I think it's always important to show your very worst side

when meeting someone for the first time.

Don't worry about it.

Amy likes you.

I know.

No, I mean she really likes you.

Trust me, the feeling's mutual.

She makes me feel--

She makes me feel.

I look at Amy and Matthew, and I see what we once had,

and it's gone.

Honey, nothing is gone. What they have is new love.

By definition, it is what it is because it's new,

and how can it be new when it's old?

- How's the speech coming? - I'm blocked.

That's because she's spending all her time with that schmuck who's twice her age.

He's not twice my age, Daddy.

Besides, how am I ever going to write about love if I don't experience it?

You wrote about it before without experiencing it.

That's not true.

I had a brief, very passionate affair that ignited the first book.

Oh, it was a one-night stand. Don't be so melodramatic.

It wasn't a one-night stand. It was one long weekend.

You know what? I don't know why I'm so honest with you,

and all you ever do is, you just throw it right back in my face.

- Honey. - Nobody's throwing anything-

back in your face.

We're your parents. We owe it to you to be honest.

Not if honesty is mean and hurtful and causes your children to build

so many fucking walls they can't experience adult life.

Amy.

- Alan, really? - What did I do?

She's emotional, just like you.

[doorbell rings]

I hope you don't mind. I'm trying to be more impulsive.

If I knew you were coming over, I wouldn't have just jacked off.

You want a beer or something?

No, thanks.

Do you jack off a lot?

What's a lot?

I don't know. Do you do it every day?

Yes, I do it a lot.

God, that makes me feel like I don't satisfy you.

Of course you satisfy me. It has nothing to do with you.

I'm crazy about you.

Yes, but I don't do it anymore because I have you.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I just can't get these images out of my head.

These images of like these three blonde girls

with strap-on dildos on some beach in Hawaii.

That's what I keep seeing.

I don't know, when I masturbate, I only think of him.

Hello?

He's going to cheat on me. He's going to leave me.

I'll never be able to fulfill his most primal sexual fantasies.

I can't be the college girl without celluloid.

The redhead with monstrous tits and natural crimson pubic hair.

The blonde model with legs higher than my IQ.

He'll get sick of me and my complex emotional needs.

He won't be able to get hard and he'll hate me for it.

God, I wish I never met him.

You feel that in a relationship

a sexually satisfied man will abstain from masturbation?

Yes.

Clearly you have some detractors.

What do you say we open up the room to some questions?

Sure.

Yes, sir.

I've been happily married for 23 years and I masturbate regularly.

I've never had an affair,

but if I didn't have a mental fantasy outlet, my marriage would die.

You're holding that up to an impossible and dangerous ideal.

Why dangerous?

Because you're putting a value judgment on masturbation.

You're saying it fills a void when actually it adds to a healthy sex life.

Sexual fascism.

I just have my opinions like anybody else.

If we have to rely on fantasy while in the presence of another human being

then something's wrong.

[applause]

Thank you.

Is masturbating in front of your partner all right?

[laughter]

- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.

Something's wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

I just, I resent what you did yesterday.

That was so clearly personal. My friends were watching that.

- Matthew, this is the stuff I write about. - Our private life is no one's business.

If you want to use it for your work,

then you can find someone else to be your guinea pig.

Matthew, I'm sorry.

This is how I work my problems out. It's the only way I know.

I write about it. I talk about it.

I dissect it. I obsess over it.

At least I deal with it. I deal with it.

No, airing it in front of a room full of strangers,

it is not dealing with it.

At least I don't come on to porno stars on the radio.

At least I know it's for show.

You actually take yourself seriously.

Matthew.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Caroline.

Amy.

You look good, Matt.

You never tell me about your past.

You never tell me what painful things have happened to you in the past

to put you close to 40 years old and still unable to share your life with anyone.

What do you want to know?

Anything.

Tell me about your past relationships.

Tell me about the other girls you've been with.

I guess I should get back in line before I lose my place.

It was good to meet you, Amy.

Bye, Tam.

Tam?

Matt spelled backwards.

Who was she?

Look, can we just go see the movie?

No, I'm not in the mood to see the movie?

Who was she?

An old girlfriend, but you knew that.

Did she dump you?

I don't know. I don't remember.

Matthew, why won't you open up about this stuff to me?

Last time I opened up to you you talked about it on television.

That's different. This is a woman you were involved with.

It's important.

No, it's not. She meant nothing to me then.

She means less to me now.

Then why were you with her?

I don't know.

We had things in common. We had fun.

We had great sex.

She's really thin. I really like that about her.

She's tall and lean and thin. You're fat.

You got a big, fat Jewish ass.

It's a long time ago.

You're what's important, okay? You.

Nothing else matters.

That's in the past, and that's why it's in the past.

Amy.

What?

If a really gorgeous woman,

I mean the most physically beautiful woman imaginable

pursued you on a business trip, what would you do?

That would never happen to me.

What do you mean that would never happen to you?

Things like this are scenarios set up by insecure women

in order to get the men who love them, me,

out of trouble by saying the wrong thing.

See, when in fact it's just a hypothetical situation.

- Why do you always do that? - What?

Why can't you just say,

I love you and no woman could ever tempt me?

Why can't you let me say it on my own without having to pull it out of me?

I'm like you, Elizabeth.

I'm not always going to say what you want me to say

whenever you want me to say it.

I do love you, and no woman could ever tempt me.

If you don't know that without me having to say it,

I don't know what to tell you.

Okay.

- Hmm? - Okay.

Now I'll give you a blowjob.

That's worth waking up for.

Oh, there we go.

I have a stomach ache.

I'm so horny right now.

I just don't feel good, Amy, okay?

Come on.

- Look. Look. - Come on.

Try to understand, okay, that when we talk about my past girlfriends

and failed relationships and you grill me over a spit,

it takes away my sex drive.

Okay.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm trying to communicate with you and you just roll over and you distance me.

It's been three months, and I'm telling you, there's no depth.

It's like every time I try to get inside of him,

he puts up a wall, and I end up feeling guilty.

Seems like he's stimulating your mind a lot less than he's stimulating your,

what'd you call it, female penis.

Oh.

I have a unique talent for being uniquely untalented at love.

You have a unique talent for having bad taste in men.

I don't think we should do this anymore.

You're so negative lately. It's weird.

I'm trying so hard to make this work,

and I feel like I come in here and you've just been--

Forget it. it's just not working out anymore.

Are you dumping me?

[music]

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm great.

How are things going with him?

- Matthew? - Yes.

They're good.

Love sucks, doesn't it?

I miss you.

You're just nervous about the Women's March.

It's coming up, isn't it?

Why do you have to do that? Why do you have to do that?

Why can't you just say, Amy, I miss you too?

Because you don't get to write all the parts.

No, you do. I don't even know why I came here.

[phone rings] All right, all right.

I have to get that.

Yes.

No, I told you to get back to me last week. Allison's not available.

Yes.

I could maybe get you Amy Mandell?

- All right, well, then I'll get back to you. - I'll do it.

Yes, I think maybe I could. I could make that work out.

Yes, I'll call you.

Okay.

You're going on the radio tomorrow and I miss you.

You're such a pain in the ass.

Love.

What is it?

It's what we feel for children. It's what we feel for our parents.

It's what we feel for our puppies.

For men and women? No.

It's just sex dressed up as love

so that we can give ourselves some sort of meaning

in our empty and wounded lives.

Folks, it's what we feel for our puppies. I'm sorry.

You got to go love this woman. San Diego, what's on your mind?

I got news for you, Ms. Mandell.

No one gives a shit about what you have to say.

You're just a big hypocrite, a big fraud.

You probably don't even believe your own lies.

You know what? You're probably right.

Of course I'm right.

Obviously, if you're dating that misogynistic pig, Matthew Starr,

all you must really want is a big dick and a good fuck.

We need to evacuate the building immediately.

- There's been a bomb threat. - What?

Everybody out. Now.

You got a paramedic?

I'm sorry.

Why?

I'm sorry for being such a controlling bitch.

Oh, honey.

Oh, my God. We've been worried sick about you.

Your mother thinks it's time to stop doing the interview circuit.

That's right, are these insane ideas worth risking your life for?

The bomb squad is here for God's sake.

What would your father and I do if something happened to you?

Hi. I'm Matthew.

Oh.

Can't you talk some sense into her then?

Get her to stop doing these stupid interviews?

How do you think she met him in the first place?

My parents are nuts.

They're cute.

Maybe they're right.

Maybe you should stop doing these interviews.

What do you mean?

You don't even believe half the stuff you're saying anymore.

I embarrass you, don't I?

The only thing that embarrasses me is that

I love a woman who tells the world that love doesn't work.

Honey, you need your sleep.

All that violence made me horny.

Yes, but Amy, I'm worried about you.

I'm not going to suppress my voice

because some psychopath with a small dick doesn't like me.

What if it's a woman?

Why do you always have to take the other side?

Keep you on your toes.

Look, this lunatic, he or she,

is not going to ruin the rest of our night.

No. I'm exhausted, okay?

I need to sleep. Good night.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

Actually, there is something wrong.

Talk to me.

I don't think you're attracted to me anymore.

Amy, come on. That's insane.

Why don't you want to make love as much as we used to?

What are you talking about? We have sex all the time.

I remind you of your mother, don't I?

Oh, my God.

I'm controlling, and you are getting tired of me.

I feel like a goddamn laboratory animal under your microscope.

Why can't you just accept the fact that we have a great relationship

and everything is actually okay?

Maybe I'm just tired. Why does everything have to be about you?

It's not working out.

What are you doing?

It's not working out.

It's never going to work out.

I belong alone. Isn't that what I preach?

I don't need you rejecting me

and putting down my work and making me feel like shit.

For what? Regular orgasms?

I can eat a pint of ice cream and watch a different porn film every night.

- Maybe you should go to therapy. - Oh, fuck off.

I ignored my own advice, and I'm paying for it.

I've no idea how old this is, but go ahead.

Knock yourself out.

Thanks.

You look great.

As opposed to what?

You always look great.

- It's just that you look so much-- - Younger, thinner.

Oh, so now you want me? It's too late.

I met someone.

Is she gay?

Fuck you.

[phone rings]

Janet Gaines.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Oh, what time is it? Oh, yes.

I was going to leave in about 20 minutes. Amy Mandell stopped by.

Oh, no. Just business.

Yes. Me too.

I know. Later?

Okay.

Love you. Bye.

Isn't she great?

How do you know if it's going to last?

Oh, Amy, no guarantees up front.

That's the good thing about being a smart woman.

You can tell the good ones from the bad ones.

I don't think I'm that smart.

You know what? I think you're right.

You're probably not very bright and you're extremely fat.

[laughs]

- Oh, I'm such an asshole. - And exhausting.

How do I know, Janet?

Just take your best guess and you go with it.

Don't you dare say I told you so when I call you six months from now

and tell you that she's pregnant and living in Westchester.

You know what? There is no right or wrong, sweetie.

You had needs, and they weren't being met, right?

It's important for a woman to feel understood, okay?

Desired.

You have to be with someone who bolsters your self-esteem.

It's important for men, too.

It's more important for a woman.

Women are very vulnerable in today's society.

Yes, well, I couldn't disagree with you more.

- Of course you couldn't. - Oh, will you please stop it?

I know you love each other.

Why do you always have to prove me right

about my nasty bullshit theories about relationships?

I need an example. Give me a good example.

Look how cute she is.

- Should we give her an example? - I think we should give her an example.

[music]

You have no messages.

You have no messages.

No messages.

No messages.

You have no messages.

You have one message.

Hi, Amy. It's Amy.

Thanks a lot for putting me back at square one.

That's right. You belong alone.

Who needs a flesh and blood fallible human being

to complicate your life further?

Why is there a section in every bookstore on women understanding men,

understanding women, understanding bullshit?

I Know Shit, Amy Mandell.

Anyway, men have it the best. They don't have to be in love.

They can bide their time waiting for love by fucking around

and orgasming their way into oblivion until Ms. Right shows up.

Women, look at us.

We're trying to beat a clock of impending cellulite and despair

all while hoping that great guy we just blew doesn't turn out to be a schmuck.

Face it.

An orgasm lasts a split second. Heartbreak lasts a lifetime.

Oh, my God. I am losing my mind.

I do need to go to therapy. I need to talk to someone.

I need to read my own book.

God, I promise I'll go back to synagogue if you just give me a sign.

Amy Mandel?

Of course you don't recognize me.

All right, let me give you a hint.

You once said you thought I was the perfect man for you.

- Father? - Yes.

No, no, no. I got canned.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, some asshole from the archdiocese. He came to visit the pair.

She was eavesdropping on one of our sessions.

That's how they get off.

I think it was the one about the clitoris being the female penis.

Actually, you know what it was?

It was the three blonde chicks with the dildos.

I pushed them over the edge. That's what they get off on.

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, no, no no.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me, honest.

After I got the axe, I had a little time on my hands.

I read your book.

Can I confess something to you?

The girl who's preaching in that book?

It isn't half the woman who came into my booth

and was searching for her own answers.

I think you got to go let it go. Just let it go, you just got to--

You got to go pretend you're in the booth talking to me.

You're going to be surprised how many people you reach.

[music]

We're back live with the Millennium March.

Our next speaker, the youngest speaker here,

is giving young women a whole new way

of approaching relationships and themselves.

She says, we don't need men to be complete.

We need ourselves.

Let's give a warm welcome to Amy Mendell.

[applause]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's such an honor to be here.

Especially with so many of the women that I have admired my entire life.

When I first started writing my speech,

I realized it wasn't anything different than you've already read in my book.

I thought, well, what can I say that they haven't already heard?

I realized it was simple.

I wanted to tell everyone that I'm a liar.

I definitely believe everything that I write in my book,

but the truth is I had no experience of love.

Real love.

Sex?

I didn't even have sex until I was 26 years old.

It was in the context of a one-month relationship,

but I never even had an orgasm.

Oh, God.

This kid just can't get out of her own way.

I had a physical orgasm, but not a mental one

where you let someone inside and you really see yourself.

That's the elusive orgasm we're all really seeking.

A few months ago, I met a man.

I really think I'm in love with him.

The only thing that's getting in the way of it

is my stupid idea that love doesn't work

and that any sort of compromise means a death of self.

Instead of the opposite, finding a new self.

One that can admit it needs love to feel alive.

I need love.

Like water.

Like food.

I need it to survive as a healthy person instead of some martyr

who thinks self-starvation is some chic political idea

because I have nothing else to stand for.

Love does work.

Women need men to feel complete.

That's what makes women so much smarter than men in the first place.

We still love you, Amy.

[applause]

[music]

My name is Amy Mandell, I'm 29 years old, Jewish, and single.

My name is Amy Mandel, I'm 35 years old, Jewish, and single.

My name is Amy Mandell, I'm 40 years old,

Jewish, and alone and lonely.

Hey.

Hi.

- I liked your speech. - Oh, you heard it?

- How are you doing? - I'm good.

I'm busy, but I'm good.

I'd like to take you out to dinner sometime if you're not too busy,

but you seem pretty busy.

Yes.

No.

To be honest with you, I spend most of my time lying in bed

remembering what it was like to be with you and how much I miss that.

That keeps me really busy.

You haven't changed.

No. But I'm ready to.

I'm really ready.

So am I.

[applause]

Thank you all for coming. Thank you.

Actually, I don't think people change. They emerge.

I read that in a book.

I didn't write it, unfortunately, but I think it's true.

In retrospect, people think they've changed, but they really haven't.

Not that I'm not changing. I am. I really--

[music]