Original subtitles

It's a long way from anywhere you've ever been before.

Got to get your act together.

We're not sure.

We're not sure.

Yeah!

Morning.

Morning, Greta.

Did you have a good sleep?

Yes, thank you, Greta. I had a brilliant sleep.

Did you have a good sleep?

Yes, not bad at all, matter of fact.

After the big disaster.

I'm sorry it was a disaster, Greta.

Not your fault.

I did warn you.

Actually, it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it was going to be, you know.

well, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Tell me, Steven.

How is it for you?

Oh, Greta.

It's pretty dreadful, actually.

There you are. I told you you wouldn't like it.

Now you know, eh?

At least I didn't go into spas, am I? No, you were very brave.

It's the way you screwed your face up.

Did I do that?

Yes.

Real nasty medicine face.

And the way you, well, shouted.

Was I shouting?

Well, yes, you were.

So what?

You don't like noisy women? You like to make love in total silence, or what? No,

no, of course not.

So what then?

It was what you were shouting.

And what I was shouting.

Oh, blimey, this is terrible.

Really?

I'm a terrible person.

I think you're going to have to jack me in. Better for you, better for me.

No, I don't think I can do that, I'm afraid.

I seem to be completely hooked on you.

That new thing.

And it is early days yet. You can't expect it all to come right at once.

Well... Takes time.

Blimey.

You mean you want to try this again?

Well, only if you do.

Okay. You have another condom?

Greta, I didn't necessarily mean right now.

You have another condom?

Well, yes.

Okay.

Start the lovemaking.

Something the matter here?

I love you.

Ah, Robert, my boy, come and join us.

Breakfast, the best meal of the day, so long since I had a proper breakfast.

Consvelo, my dear, this is delicious.

Oh, yes, of course.

Robert? Meet Consuelo. Consuelo, this is Dr. Robert Bogard.

This is your kitchen?

Yes, it is.

You are a very dirty man.

So, what do you want for breakfast?

Coffee, please.

Coffee, right. You want eggs?

No, thank you. Noel, you want toast, English muffin, corn muffin, or Danish?

No, thank you. My dear man, you must try something.

We don't want to hurt Consuelo's feelings, do we?

All right.

Toast, English muffin, corn muffin, or Danish?

Um, Danish muffin, please.

No, Danish muffin, Danish!

You want Danish or you want muffin? I want muffin!

All right, so don't shout.

Yes, my boy?

Did you not hear?

Good gracious me, no.

This is Consuelo.

Mrs. Daniels, our vice -chancellor's wife, was kind enough to lend us

on a part -time basis.

One time basis.

After today, you don't see me no more.

You want to know why?

Because you are two very dirty men.

Ah, no, no, no, no, my dear. You're far too soft -hearted to desert us, I know.

I agree you found us living in a pissant rat hole, but now you've transformed

that we will be very good in future.

We shall be two of the cleanest men you have ever known, I promise you.

Come on, my boy, cheer up.

You and I are going to have a woolly -ass good time.

It's all coming through, Charlie.

We're in line for double funding on the sensitive research. We got a blank

checkbook for the special people.

No public announcement until it's all done, but the UGC and the DES have got

behind the whole package.

Well, hell, they would, wouldn't they?

Their government wants it, our government wants it, and they're getting

because we went out and hustled for the co -production money. Yeah.

Charlie, I guess our research profile still looks kind of flabby.

The co -production money is going to want to see a lean fit outfit.

So, time to lose the rest of the arts faculty, right?

What do we have now, Charlie?

We got languages.

Hell, everyone speaks American now anyway.

We got history. Who needs it? Art history?

No, that's all taken care of. Old Purse decided to go for an early retirement

after all. How much did that cost?

Fifty -five grand.

It goes at the end of the year.

Old Purse.

What an asshole, right?

And then we have English.

I think we could go for the throat, Jack. I don't know.

George Bunn is trouble, Charlie. That guy's gonna be trouble whether we axe

department or not. And we still don't have enough on him.

Hell, we got enough to give it a shot.

Let's do it to him and do it to his department.

So there'll be unpleasantness. Well, that's to be regretted, but what can he

finally do?

We got history on our side, Jack.

We're axing history, Charlie.

So let's axe English, too.

That guy Bunn, he's not a reasonable man, Charlie.

It's a shame.

Hell, I wish.

Yeah?

No, nothing.

Crazy thoughts.

Yeah.

Mrs. Danielswell?

Oh, yeah, Charlie. Julie's fine.

She is?

Yeah, I guess she's finally adjusting to the climate.

Like she's finding new interests.

Aerobics, she says.

And she sure as shit looks well on.

I came home from class last night. Hell, her skin was glowing like a young

girl's, Charlie.

Is that right?

I owe that woman a lot.

I guess I need to remind myself of that from time to time.

Hell, you know I sometimes.

But, Julie, well, she's a special person.

Good morning, Captain.

All goes high at the count of the 4th of July.

If you'll excuse an expression I use. Good morning to you, Mrs. Kramer. How

things with you?

Is the fat flowing?

Are the vital juices coursing through the veins? Thank you, Dr.

McCann, and I'm quite well.

Oh, dear.

You know, some people in this dump are so tight you couldn't drive a muster

up their asses with a fledgehammer.

Ah, brave new world. So full of...

Vivid metaphors. And you, Dr. McCannon, are you quite well?

Flourishing, my dear, flourishing.

Practically frisky. You're late for the group meeting.

I see Glen Oaks pulled out of the final of the 1500 meters in Stockholm.

Shame.

Groin strain, was it, Dr. Buzzard?

I've no idea.

Actually, Jock agreed to take that particular student on his list.

Got a lot on my plate at the moment. Can't be at everyone's beck and call.

He does seem to be still around the place rather a lot.

I saw him in the waiting room on my way in. Oh, Lord, how did he look?

I think he'd been crying, Bob.

Well, it's nothing to do with me now.

But he did seem to particularly relate to you, Bob.

He's on McCannon's list now, all right? Do you think we could possibly change

the subject, Stephen?

Well, I think we should all be alert to the approach of the suicide season.

We're in the run -up to the exams now, and... Stephen, what can I say?

Mia Calpa.

Such a beautiful morning, such a beautiful day.

I guess I took a little detour on the way in.

The cattle were standing like statues, you know, and the grass was as high as

elephant's ass.

But I interrupted Deliver Eaton's room for a little one.

We were just discussing suicide, Jock. No.

Really, honey...

Don't ever think that way, because you have what it takes to make an old man

very happy, believe me.

Or a young man.

Or, indeed, a young woman.

Even though we labour in the pissant swamp, fulfilment is still there for

who seek it.

Are you all right, Jock? This question seems to be on every lip. Yes, Stephen,

I'm all right. In fact, I'm fine and dandy, why do you ask?

It's just that something seems to have happened to your vocabulary.

Ah, I see.

In such ways do the wisest men betray themselves. I have been dipping into the

honeypots of transatlantic popular culture, you know.

The better to understand the machinations of the Midnight Cowboy.

Who's the Midnight Cowboy?

Our leader, my dear, Jack Daniels, the Prince of Darkness.

I saw a student living in a cardboard box this morning.

Now, would he be a harmless eccentric, or does this presage darker things?

Well, you know they've index -linked the rents.

What does that imply, my lovely girl?

If they're not getting the maximum grant, they can't afford to live in Hall

eat and buy the books. So most of them just don't buy the books.

So I suppose this one's eccentric.

Good Lord.

I hadn't realised it had got that bad.

Stephen, you are warden of Kennedy Hall.

I'd have thought you'd be more in touch with student problems than the rest of

us. Well, yes, you're right, I should be. I suppose I've been rather

with other things lately.

Too much early morning sexual intercourse can disorientate the best of

Jock, please.

Uncle George and Auntie Mabel fainted at the breakfast table.

Only serves you as a warning. Never do it again. Jock.

I will follow up on this one, Rose, and thank you for alerting us to the

problem, Maureen. And you, Jock. Think nothing of it, my dear man.

Just a little bitty pissant passing thought.

Oh, I am sorry.

If I'd had any idea that something like that was going to happen, I'd never have

advised you to see Professor Bunn at his home.

You must have been terribly upset.

Well, it was a bit of a shock.

Of course.

And he was... Forgive me.

He was dark -naked.

Not quite. He was wearing shoes and socks.

And socks are spenders.

Quite pathological.

I've been thinking...

I mean, I know that he's been really down on us all year. And forcing his

pornography on us.

Yes, and that too.

It's just that... Well, exposing himself to us.

Couldn't it have been an accident?

I'm afraid these things are never accidents, Jo. He simply took his chance

inflict the final degradation.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

So you'd be prepared to repeat what you've told me in front of witnesses.

Oh, yes.

Oh, what a terrible job this is.

Why did I get lumbered with this one?

Old Dickie Dado and the uppity dyke actually enjoy examining women.

I can't be doing with it myself, Maureen.

Nightmare territory for Buzzard.

What do they call that fairground ride?

The Tunnel of Death.

Tunnel of Love, they called it in County Kerry, Dr Buzzard. Don't you believe

it.

All right, Miss Blackbush, come out, come out, wherever you are.

Brownleaf. What?

She's called Brownleaf. Really?

Out you come, then, Miss Brownleaf.

Come on, then, sit down there.

Well, you're definitely not pregnant for a start.

Well, that's something.

I didn't really see how it could be. I mean, we always... All right, all right.

There's the details.

But I have lived two periods.

Well, you know the reason for that as well as I do, don't you?

No, I don't.

That's why I've come to see you, Dr Buzzard.

You're anorexic, aren't you?

No, I'm not.

You should take a look at yourself in the mirror, young lady, arms and legs

sticks. You're doing yourself a lot of harm, you know, so why don't you stop

this nonsense and get yourself round a few steak and kidney puddings. You'll

soon find your, um, thingies will be back to normal.

Right. OK, thanks very much, Dr Buzz.

Just a minute, Annette. Oh, come on, Maureen. We haven't got all day. Just a

minute. It won't take long, Dr. Boggart.

Oh, right. Fine.

Sorry about this, Miss Blackbush. Thought I was the doctor for a moment,

seems that Nurse Gagan is in charge. Do go ahead, Maureen.

Did you get a grant?

570.

But your parents make it up.

Well, Dad said you can't afford to this year.

It's not his fault.

Terrible in the building trade at the moment.

Fascinating, fascinating. And you live in university accommodation?

Well, up to now, £12 .50 a year.

How can you afford to eat?

I do eight hours a week stacking shelves.

Paid not very good, though.

And with finals coming up, I'll have to stop that.

There you are, then.

What do you mean, there you are?

Well, it's obvious.

She's suffering from malnutrition.

Really, Maureen, come on, do us a favour.

This is England.

Sammy Lim, my dear young friend.

What an unexpected pleasure.

How are you doing, Doc?

Fine, fine, never better.

The McCann and Gunnads have been one hell of a surprise.

But you've been in the walls.

Which of your young women have been beating you up this time? No, no, it

that this time. I just came off the bike, grazed a taxi in town a couple of

ago, I thought.

Well... No, no, it's okay. I came off near the hospital and they fixed me up

casualty. It's no problem.

So this is a social call, my dear fellow.

Why didn't you say so?

Sort of.

No, no, thanks. A bit early in the morning for me.

Well, your good health.

Here's to the Lone Star State of Texas.

So we, uh, what was it, Sammy?

I don't suppose it's anything, really. A bit of a headache off and on, and I got

this dizzy spell on the bike this morning. I didn't pass out or anything.

felt, you know, dead weak, and the bike felt too heavy to drive.

What time of day was this, Sammy?

7am, my way back from Nottingham.

And had you been imbibing on the previous evening? Well, you know, a bit.

Ah.

John Barleycorn's revenge.

I had many similar experiences in the old Riley.

Quite worrying until I took the matter in hand. What did you do?

I gave up driving, Sammy.

Well, in point of fact, the magistrate had some influence on my decision.

I can't give up the bike.

Deliveries are all I've got to keep body and soul together.

Better give up the booze, eh? A terrible dilemma.

I feel for you, Sammy. I feel for you.

I guess that brings us to the bad news.

As a consequence of our success in achieving top league status as a center

research excellence, we've had to accept a certain degree of rationalization in

some areas, mainly affecting undergraduate intake and staffing in art

sciences.

So naturally, all present courses and commitments will be honored.

I guess you know how badly I feel about this.

I still hold to my vision of Lowlands as a platonic community, blending the best

of all the arts and sciences.

But the only way we can achieve it is by paying our way, all the way down the

line. And that's meant taking some very painful decisions.

You'll find the details in Senate Paper 42.

Okay, I'll take discussion now.

I guess Professor Bond would wish to comment.

No.

This sure isn't the George Bond we know and love.

Recently I found Senate a very unrewarding arena for debate.

I find the press more receptive, and one or two people from the television.

Now, I shall be presenting my views on Sunday week.

The destruction of learning.

Channel 4, 11 .30, I'm afraid, but perhaps one or two of our legislators

awake. Uh, yeah.

Thank you, George.

I think we should hear a reaction from Students' Union.

Harry.

Thank you, Vice -Chancellor.

Um, you realise that any comments I make now are off the record.

I have to be mandated by my members at a general meeting.

But I think I'm fairly safe in saying that the union will be bitterly opposed

every single one of the measures outlined in paper 42.

And that honouring present courses goes no way at all towards appeasing student

feeling.

Even the silent majority of head -down, hard -working students now feel that the

cynical exploitation of university life has reached crisis point.

We are seeing the systematic erosion of this country's educational base, and

Lowlands University is leading the assault.

What's happening in student accommodation is, if anything, a hotter

We shall be demanding a full and instant consultation. But this isn't going to

satisfy my members.

Now, as I say, this is off the record.

But I wouldn't rule out total lecture boycotts.

I wouldn't rule out rent strike.

I wouldn't rule out sit -ins.

My members aren't just discontented.

They're desperate, Vice -Chancellor.

I think we're in for the biggest period of student unrest for 20 years.

Well, I'd like to thank Harry Pointer for that very frank and helpful input.

And, of course, you'll get full consultation all the way down the line.

We've licked some pretty thorny problems together, and I think we might be able

to find a way to handle this one. It's a real challenge.

But you know what they say.

When the going gets tough, the tough... Get going.

Um... No.

Don't say anything. I understand.

You're tired.

You have so much on your mind.

Yeah, um, listen, Rose.

This is kind of hard to say.

You can say anything to me, Jack.

Well, I guess we have to stop seeing each other.

Julie knows.

And what Julie says goes.

Oh, honey, it's not just that.

I guess you and me, it was just one of those wonderful dreams that had to end.

What you've given me, it's meant so much to me as a man.

And to me, Jack, as a woman.

But you know, a president can't just be a man like other men.

A president?

A vice -chancellor, Rose. He represents something more.

He's got to be emblematic of the values of the community.

And at this point in time, we're foregrounding traditional family values.

And extramarital sexual affairs, even the postmodernist conceptual kind, don't

quite go with the image. I knew you'd understand.

And I know I can count on your discretion, Rose.

You've been able to count on it up till now, Jack.

Yeah.

I wish there was something I could do to make you happy, you know?

Dean of Women is still on the cards if you want it.

Jack,

don't you think it would be a forward -looking move if a woman were to become

head of the health center?

Oh, well now, Rose, that's a tough one.

Steve Dacre, he's kind of well -liked.

And Charlie Dusenberry figures he's meaner than he looks. Jack, if you can't

manage it, I'll understand.

I don't expect you to perform miracles.

Oh, hey now, honey, I didn't say I couldn't deliver.

It's just that sometimes miracles can take a little time, you know?

You ever known me not to deliver, honey?

Oh, I know, Jack.

Sometimes, well, it's as if you had a magic wand.

Yeah, and I'm real grateful to you, Rose.

You showed me some cute new ways to... Do you know women and head of the

health center? Well, now, that's quite a little goodbye present.

Just what I always wanted.

I kind of feel that's two presents, not one.

Remind me again what it is you're giving me.

I'm giving you my promise of absolute discretion, Jack.

Yeah, I guess.

And I have something else to give you as well.

You do?

I'm going to give you... George Bunn.

Evening, Mrs. Kramer.

Don't worry about Buzzard. You pack up and go home. Got a few bits and bobs to

tidy up in the body lab. That's all right, Dr. Buzzard. I quite understand.

Your special appointment's waiting for you in your room.

Special appointment?

I haven't got a special appointment.

No, of course you haven't.

Mum's the word, eh?

Good God, it's not my mother, is it?

No, no, this is madness. Who let you in?

Mrs. Cramer, ma 'am. She had no business to... McCannon's the man for you now.

Sorry, this isn't on bad medicine.

Oh, come on, Bob, man, have pity on me.

You're not my patient any more.

This is personal.

Oh, my God.

Don't you understand, Glenn, that's why I transferred you.

I suppose so.

But I thought, like, we could still be friends.

Oh, God.

I don't mind telling you, Glenn, this business has shaken me up more than

somewhat.

I mean, I thought we were.

When I think how I... Lord, it throws a chap's whole life into

question. Ah, you know.

No, no, you have to understand.

Not on.

Absolutely out of bounds.

You're just going to have to pull yourself together and get on with your

That's what I've done.

Oh, Bob, I've tried, but I can't.

I can't run, I can't train, I can't sleep, I can't walk.

I'm failing my subset. I'll be out at the end of the year.

Please help me, Bob.

Look, I... Oh, this is terrible.

What's your subject again?

English.

Well, I thought I was all right, like with Professor Bunn's second mark, my

coursework.

He said it was Boulder Dash.

He gave it an F.

He really had it in for athletes, Bunn.

Bunn, eh, that fat pompous... patronising slob.

You're being victimised.

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not so good at English, like, but I hope they'd

scrape through.

Listen, Glenn, you're a good chap, despite... Well, enough

said.

I'll see what I can do about this bun business, but as for anything else,

it, buddy.

Out of the question.

Not even just the odd little kiss, like?

Absolutely not! You're just going to have to pull yourself together!

Get on with your life!

Put all that sort of thing behind you, so to speak.

All right, then.

I'll try.

Sorry I'm a bit late in phoning.

Patience, you know.

Coming out of the woodwork.

Look, Freddie, you know that little wheeze you were mentioning?

No, no, not the rubber Johnny Lark.

The, you know, the international connection.

Middle East to South America.

Like to follow that one up, Freddie. You see, I thought I could run it all from

the centre, save on the phone bills.

Yes. So, um...

Could you fill me in on a few details, old buddy?

It seems such a strange thing for him to do, asking you to photograph him in the

nude. I don't think so.

Anyway, it was the other way around.

I asked him.

He said he was a secret nudist. I thought, hello, male nude, my special

get him for the book.

Oh, I see.

But he wasn't reluctant.

Oh, no, he was asking as horseradish. And afterwards, you know, it was so

You know what he gave me?

A bag of toffees. No, not really. He thinks I am a little girl.

Men are such odd creatures. Yeah.

You know, it's nice to talk and be friends with a woman.

Talk with men. There is always something else going on there, you know.

Greta, you know, I had hoped there might be something else going on with us.

Yes.

I do know this, but... Too complicated, eh?

And we can be friends.

Harder for men?

Yes.

I'm so happy for you, Greta, that you're getting on so well with Steely.

Yes.

He's a nice man, I think.

Mind you, our sex life, total disaster.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Greta. Well, that's how it is with me.

I'm dog's breakfast in bed.

Tell me, how did you get started?

You're a bit of nosy buggers tonight.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Gretchen. I wouldn't want to embarrass you. I just suppose I

want to know everything about you.

Well, no skin of my nose.

Between you and me, though.

It all started the night Antoine was after me.

I was scarcetless. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't go to you.

You said you were all tied up, remember?

So if... So I went to Kennedy Hall.

It was near, and Stephen was there, and he mended my head and everything.

And we end up in bed.

Bongo!

Bingo?

So, you slept with him while you were still his patient?

I suppose.

But no funny business. You know, like with you.

So how do you think he's going to sue the university? He's well out of order,

that Sammy Lynn. Always was.

Dr. Dacre, come in.

What can we do you for?

Well, if you're not too busy.

Not really. Just taping a bit of this claret we're thinking of putting in the

union bar. Pour a glass for Dr. Dacre, Mal.

Oh, thanks very much.

There you go.

Male Prentice, Entertainment Officer.

Johnny Grafton, VP, External Affairs.

Dr Stephen Dacre.

Called you Stephen, all right?

Yes, of course.

Cheers. We haven't met before, have we, Stephen?

No. You union officers must be very healthy people.

Ah, well, you see.

Tabatical postholders get booper. Brought that in in my first term.

Now, I have to ask you this, Stephen. You're nothing to do with that inquiry,

are you?

No.

What inquiry?

They're investigating us again.

Oh, so silly.

They won't find a single dodgy thing. It just creates bad feelings.

After all we've done for the ungrateful bastards.

All right, Johnny.

He's very sensitive. I keep telling him you can't be too sensitive in this job.

So what's on your mind?

Well, I should imagine the same things that are worrying you.

The systematic running down of parts of the university.

And, uh...

What seems like the deliberate application of market forces to the

accommodation departments. We're actually starting to get students coming

whose illnesses are poverty related.

Yeah, right.

Shocking. Shocking.

I feel very guilty I haven't actively involved myself until now.

A lot of apathy about, Stephen. And you're very busy with your doctoring.

are you? I don't actually see my job as narrowly as that.

And, well, I'm on your side and I'll do what I can to help.

Good on you, Stephen. There's not many like you.

There hardly seems to be anyone who questions what's going on.

And, well, actually, till I heard you, I hadn't realised just how militant the

student feeling had become.

Have a drop more claret, Stephen.

Oh, thanks.

I mean, I used to think that Ernie Hemingway was crazy.

Now I'm starting to think that Jack Daniels is just as crazy in a different

I've never thought of either of them as crazy, Stephen. Just doing their job,

same as you, same as me.

Ernie wasn't very good at his job. Jack Daniels was a bit on the sharp side. It

doesn't do to underestimate the enemy.

No.

Well, I suppose I'm a bit naive politically.

Well, aren't we all to start with? Now, look, Stephen, I really appreciate your

coming over. We'll keep in touch, all right?

Good to know we'll have your support in the fight against injustice.

When the time comes, eh?

You seem curiously anxious for my company these days, Daniels. Well, I'm

George, to take it from your work. We'll try not to take too long.

I have a couple of proposals I'd like to put to you.

The mind boggles.

The principal of Harvard University has been in touch with me, George. He's very

anxious to get a hold of you.

So much so that he's proposing to create a new chair in 18th century studies.

No teaching or administration unless you want it.

The salary would be roughly three times what we're able to pay you here.

Not interested. Don't like America. Next proposal.

Charlie and I have been able to create a rather special early retirement deal

for you, George.

We call it the Eisenhower Special.

You know how farmers were paid twice as much for not growing crops as they got

for tilling the land?

It's a little bit like that.

And it wouldn't stop you from taking up another post elsewhere?

You do try, don't you, Daniels?

I really feel quite sorry to disappoint you.

Well, in that case, George, I have to tell you that your attendance is

next Friday at a university court.

Convene to determine whether or not you should be dismissed from your post on

the grounds of gross moral turpitude.

Maybe you'd like to reconsider one of the other proposals?

Dr. Hassan!

Robert Buzzard here, Buzzard Lowlands International Supplies.

Actually, we met in Saudi.

Jeddah Rackets Club?

Yes, I believe it was 72 to Buzzard. So, how are things in Al -Makala?

Really, envy you. Pissing down here, of course, as per usual. Now, my associate,

Mr Frith, tells me you've got a bit of a...

Surplus. You'd like facilitating.

Dr. Dakin.

Well, I'd have to rearrange a surgery, but yes, I could manage that if it's

important. What's it for, exactly?

It's kind of delicate, Steve. We're considering an official complaint some

students have lodged against Professor Bunn.

As the defendant, George Bunn is entitled to nominate one member of the

Committee of Inquiry, and he's nominated you, Steve.

Right. Well, in that case, of course, I'd be glad to.

Jack says he looks forward to getting your best input on this one, Steve.

Does he?

Well, yes, Charlie, you can tell Jack he'll be getting my very best input on

this one.

Hello.

How did you get in?

Sammy opened the door for me.

Do you mind?

No, of course not. Are you all right?

No.

I saw Professor Platt today.

My crap department is closing down.

Ten handshake for Dr.

Grotowska. Not very nice, eh?

The bastards.

Well, you should know you're one of them.

What do you mean?

You're insane.

You mean you didn't know about this?

I know that Jack Daniels is trying to squeeze arts and social sciences, but

nothing's settled yet, Greta. We're going to fight it.

How are you going to fight it if the professor takes his money and runs away

Venice? What, do you think I'm a dozy bugger or what?

No, I don't think you're a dozy bugger.

I think you're wonderful.

Look, there must be something we can do.

I don't want your soft flunk.

What is it?

Nothing for you to worry about.

It's all right, Stephen.

You don't have to do anything for me.

I'm known in my field. I speak five languages. I can work in Germany. I can

in Paris.

I can even go back to Poland.

Lots of bastards there, too, but at least you know who they are, eh? Look,

you want to stay here? I want you to stay here. No, I don't think so.

I think it's been very convenient for you if I lose my job and go away.

I think it's been quite nice for you to amuse yourself with a bit of foreign

crumpet till the wonderful girlfriend comes back and you can have your

sex with her again.

And maybe have a good laugh about rude, nasty girls at a dog's breakfast in bed.

Greta, what are you talking about? Lynn's not coming back to me.

So what's all this?

Keep taking pills, Doc. I am. Laugh, Lynn.

All right.

I know it's bad to go looking through your stuff.

But I was lonely waiting for you here. I wanted to see your things.

Greta, they're just postcards. She keeps in touch, that's all.

I don't believe you.

Look. I told you about Lynn. I told you I loved her.

It was all before I met you.

And you still love her, don't you?

You don't just stop loving people. But it's all over, Greta. She didn't love me

enough to stay with me.

And yes, it hurt a lot at the time, but not now.

No.

No. Because of you.

So?

If she does come back, what then? Greta, she's not going to come back. But if

she does?

I don't know.

Oh, yes.

I think you do know.

Hello, wonderful girl sent on your bike route, nasty Polish person.

Well, I think I've saved you the trouble. Greta. And I tell you something

Sometimes it's quite easy to stop loving people.

This is a university court convened according to charter and presided over

Lord Thickthorne, president of the university council.

Its purpose is to investigate allegations of gross moral turpitude

Professor George Bunn.

Professor Bunn, I understand you waived your right to legal and union

representation. That's correct.

All right. Uh, Mr. Duesenberry?

The charges are fully detailed and documented on paper 1 -3, A through E.

One, that on 17 separate occasions, Professor Bunn sexually harassed female

students by reading obscene poems to them. Two, that when two of these

sought to discuss this with him, he refused consultation and abused them

verbally.

Three, in the case of another student, Glenn Oates, he altered a final mark

a pass to a fail.

so that a student he disliked would be required to leave the university.

Four, when Cloris Jakeman and Joanna Lentil sought to discuss their grievance

with him on the 29th of last month, Professor Bunn indecently exposed

them.

Well, let's see if we can look at these in order.

Obscene poems.

Appendix 1A.

Well...

I've read more poetry in the last week than I have in the last 40 years.

Rather rum stuff, too, some of it.

Do you deny that you read any of these aloud to your students, Professor Bunn?

I do not.

Celia Schitt, eh?

Did Dean Swift write that?

He did indeed, Lord Thickthorn.

Well, well. We learn something every day.

And you also made these young women discuss and write essays about them?

Yes, amongst other major 18th century works.

And to save you the trouble of more tedious questions, I freely confess I

pleasure in this. It seems a curious idea that a professor should not enjoy

work.

I also confess that I refused to discuss my choice of syllabus with them. A

rather high -handed bun, wasn't it? I'm sure it was.

You let your undergraduates dictate what bugs and germs they're going to study,

no doubt. Well, jolly good luck to you.

I take my job more seriously.

Verbal abuse.

Yes, I confess to that.

I called them a couple of silly young women.

That's most regrettable.

I didn't realise it was a hacking matter.

Now, as to the mark I award my students...

I am prepared to submit to the judgment of the external examiners, but I can't

see that this court has any competence to question them.

Hmm.

Nor do I, I must say.

In any case, both these students were given clear passports.

Do you think the university might agree to lay aside these minor charges? After

all, this is about whether the fellow's a flasher or not, isn't it?

Ah, Glenn, my dear fellow, come in and sit down.

What news from the stadium?

How are all those runners and their little silky shots?

Thank God, you look a bit rough.

What on earth have you been drinking?

Nothing, don't know what kind of... Well, we could soon remedy that.

Ah, Glenn, Glenn, it's a wonderful world if only you could get the knack of

seeing it in the right way.

Of course, you might have to wait until you're my age, but believe me, it's

worth waiting for.

So...

What seems to be the problem?

Well, it's sort of a moral problem, like. Ah.

I'm rarely consulted on moral problems, but never fear. These days, old jock can

rise to any challenge.

Let's have a stiff now, eh?

And when we came into the room, Professor Bunn sort of jumped up and

towards us.

And he was naked.

Thank you, Miss Lentil.

Do you want to ask any questions, Professor Bunn?

No. I've no wish to embarrass either of these young ladies any further.

Then I think they might leave. Thank you, Miss Drakeman. Thank you, Miss

So, you accept their version of events, do you?

Uninvited visitors to my house must take me as they find me. They found me

naked.

Point of fact, I'd completely forgotten I had no clothes on.

You expect us to believe that, do you?

Sounds most unlikely to me.

Lord Tickthorn, I can confirm that Professor Bunn doesn't wear any clothes

home. Odd though it may seem.

Really, Dacre?

Seen him yourself, have you? Well, no, not personally, but... Here's the

evidence, I'm afraid, Dacre.

All right, Mr. Duesenberry, who's next? The other doctor, is it? Dr.

Rosemary.

I understand you saw the two students both before and after the incident of

29th. Yes. They consulted me on two occasions before the 29th. I judged them

both to be under severe stress, directly arising from Professor Bunn's behavior,

and prescribed rest and tranquilizers.

Despite the distress they had suffered, they were brave enough to make one last

approach to Professor Bunn to discuss their academic and personal differences.

I saw them again after the incident in a state of severe shock.

I feel that this incident was the culmination of a series of insults and

humiliations deliberately directed at these students. That's not a fact.

just an opinion.

My expert opinion as a medical practitioner.

I'm sorry, Stephen.

And I feel I should add that another female patient came to me and told me

Professor Bunn had invited her to take photographs of his naked body.

Using a bag of toffees as an inducement. Oh, really, Rose? That's absolute

bloody nonsense.

Really, Dacre?

Hardly the language of the courtroom.

Are you going to produce this female patient, Mr. Dusenberry? I understand

too distressed to give evidence, Lord Thickthorne. And Dr.

Rosemary can't say any more than she has done for reasons of medical

confidentiality. So that's just hearsay evidence, too.

Quite significant, though, Dacre.

Unless we take the view that the doctor has fabricated the story.

And do you think it's also significant that everyone on this panel, with the

exception of Lord Thickthorne and myself, has a personal interest in

George Bunge at the sack?

That's what this whole charade is about, isn't it? I take exception to that.

Well, it's true. Thank you, gentlemen.

Very much.

I, um, suggest that we adjourn for lunch.

Steve.

I guess I'm real disappointed.

I'd been hoping we could do great things together.

I sure hope you're going to shape up.

I'd really hate to lose you, Steve.

Yes?

I love you.

My name is Greta Grotowska. I am a lecturer in art history.

I am an authority on a male nude.

Many publications on this subject.

I asked Professor Bunn if I can make photographs of his body for my book.

He was kind enough to agree.

I think some people get this story wrong.

What I saw and what these girls saw is the exact same thing.

A man in his house without his clothes.

A vulnerable human body.

If they are shocked, then I'm sorry for them.

Perception theory teaches us this.

We see what we wish to see.

The body is a simple sign.

We, who look at it, make our own meanings.

And here we all are now, inside a big suit.

Vulnerable human bodies.

It's not so terrible to think about, is it?

Why people are so frightened of this?

Listen, you want to sack Professor Ban because he makes trouble?

Do it.

But not because of his vulnerable human body.

Thank you, Dr. Kutowska.

You're welcome.

You don't want to come back to this Oates business, do you, Mr. Dusenberry?

Seems a bit of a side issue to me.

Not for glanitism. He's been thrown out of Lowlands just for spite.

Sorry.

The case is that Professor Bunn went out of his way to get a hold of Mr. Oates'

papers and reduced another lecturer's mark from a C to an F.

I certainly did.

The work was balderdash.

I guess, in fairness to Professor Bunn, we should look into this.

All right.

Go ahead, Mr. Dusenbitter.

Dr. Buzzard.

Glenn Oates is a student of this university, my lord, and, as your

know, a very distinguished athlete, a really...

A really excellent all -round man.

All right, Dr. Buzzard, get on.

Right, Your Lordship. Bob! Bob!

Don't do it, man! Who is this?

I don't, Lord Tickthall.

It's not right, Bob. I should never have asked you to.

It's not fair on you.

I do what they do on the pack. It was crap work.

Oh, Bob, man, you're really great doing this for me, but it's just not right.

He's only doing it because he loves me, like.

He's mad!

Oh, my God!

What is going on here, Mr. Dusenberry?

I guess the university would wish to withdraw this particular charge, Lord

Thickthorne. I'm very glad to hear it. And all the others, too, if you take my

advice. I don't mind telling you, the whole thing smells pretty odd to me.

Vice -Chancellor?

What can we do for you, Dr. McCallum? I'm merely a messenger, Lord

Mrs. Daniels has been unavoidably delayed, but I gather she has some

that might be of assistance about family volumes, patient -doctor relationships,

and social mores in the pissant swamp.

That won't be necessary, Dr. McKinnon.

It's my very happy duty to say that the university no longer finds any substance

in the complaints leveled against my old friend George Bunn. George, I'm only

sorry it had to come to this.

Are you indeed?

But the university has to uphold the highest standards of personal conduct.

And it's necessary that justice should be done.

And be seen to be done.

Oh, absolutely, Vice -Chancellor.

I understand exactly how you feel.

You're leaving?

After going through all that, I don't understand.

I have no wish to halt the places where my honour died.

But your honour didn't die.

Oh, thank you. No small part to you.

But, uh...

It came to me, you know, as I sat there listening.

I am an old freak.

I'm quite out of touch with these people and their concerns.

I mean, these young women may be quite right about my taste in literature.

I simply have no interest in their opinions.

Not a shred of it.

Well, a man like that shouldn't be teaching literature to the young.

So, I'm taking myself off.

Where?

My old college in Oxford's offered me a fellowship.

The 18th century is near still alive and well there.

I have no wish to watch the midnight cowboy drag us into the 21st.

Thank you, Grater.

I appreciate what you've said.

Trouble is, I... I didn't understand a word of it.

Good night.

Not many of us left, Stephen.

No.

Oh, well, at least we'll read about it in the newspapers.

Yes, indeed.

Prince of Darkness suffers temporary setback.

Well, I must leave you too.

I have a pressing appointment, as they say.

reconstituting the remains of poor young Robert Butter.

So... what now?

Well... Doug's breakfast.

Could you send it?

Really? You mean it?

I mean, that's really what you want?

Sometimes.

I think you just have to trust someone, you know.