Original subtitles

It's a long way from anywhere you've ever been before.

Got to get your act together, we're not sure.

Bonnie, only Hemingway.

It's a nonsense, isn't it? Trust the old groanier to get it back to front. It's

not a nonsense.

It's a leak?

I can't understand this, Bonnie. We're squeaky clean at Lowlands. We're state

-of -the -art. We're user -friendly.

But why?

We gave her a doctorate just last year.

Oh, well, look here. I didn't throw the bloody tomato, did I?

What? Oh, I'm sorry, Bunny. That's just not on. No, not in the present climate.

Absolutely out of the question.

Good, is she?

Oh, well, we'd be happy to afford them every facility.

Yes, delighted.

We've got nothing to hide at Lowlands.

Yes, please.

Yes, fine.

25 % cut, and it's official.

All over one rotten tomato and that mad woman at Fairley Hall.

And they're sending a fact -finding team to investigate waste and inefficiency.

Same team that did the Navy.

Oh, dear.

Well, they'd probably hit admin first, they always do. Cut down on the

secretarial staff.

Well, I suppose I could always go back to Austin Rover.

The helping the lewd guy was really lovely.

I'm not joking, Dorothy.

Neither am I, Ernie.

Heads are going to roll.

Oh, Jen, really?

Sorry. Filled all the other boats.

Got to catch this one before it goes away.

Whoa. That's really strange.

I think what we've got here is a whole new dimension of catastrophe theory.

Sharon, please, go away. I don't want any more catastrophes.

Catastrophe theory doesn't have to be bad.

It's just what happens when you push steadily along in one direction.

Everything's nice and logical.

Then suddenly the whole thing flips inside out.

Hello, Chin.

I didn't see you down there. Sorry, I intruded. Bugger off now, eh? Hey, not

my account.

We like your company, don't we?

Oh, yes, very much.

We think you're brilliant.

Why don't we invite him in?

Because I don't think Dr. Dacre would be up to it.

Oh, anyway, I haven't got the time.

I've got the headhunters after me today.

Bags are first in the shower, right?

Right.

That wonderful big girl got there, even?

Yes, yes.

That makes you sad.

I don't think I've got her for long.

The headhunters are after her.

She won't stay here.

She loves you, that big girl.

I know about all this stuff.

Jen, she's younger than I am. She's cleverer than I am.

She's stronger than me. She can run faster than me.

She's randier than me.

You know, when I dream about her, she's always ahead of me.

Getting further and further away.

Remember, catastrophic theory.

Sometimes the whole thing just flips inside out.

So, the axe man cometh. 25 % do the roll, and here stalks the campus, and no

one is safe.

I suppose it's only reasonable that Lowlands University should make its

contribution to the unemployment figure.

Not volunteering, are you, Rose?

No, Bob. As a matter of fact, I think the cuts could be a way of rectifying

of the inequalities in the system.

Inequalities? Oh, I see, yes.

We could chuck out all the chaps who've had the cheek to get themselves educated

privately, couldn't we? And then we could all eat peas off our knives. Is

the sort of thing? Actually, Bob, I did mean inequality as between the sexes.

Oh, really?

Got you now.

But, Rose, you mustn't think of it like that.

Honestly, Stephen, Jock and I, we all consider you are equal in almost every

way, don't we, chap?

Bob. Yes, Stephen, don't be a prat. This is a serious situation.

Oh, is it? Right, yes.

Thanks for pointing it out.

It is a tragically serious situation.

A 25 % cut represents over 1 ,000 undergraduates.

My God, yes, and more than 100 academic staff.

At least 200 ancillary staff.

Far from none.

Sorry. Sorry.

And one doctor from this practice.

Ah.

Um, Chuck, this investigative team, do we know anything about them?

Well, apparently they played merry hell with the Navy's shore establishments.

Apart from that, they're just three names.

Soames, Sod, and Pityman.

That wouldn't be... P .R. Prettyman, by any chance? Jock Shrewsbury, Maudlin and

the Treasury?

The initials are P .R.

Heard of the man, have you, Bob?

Oh, you know, vaguely.

Fair -sized plant.

You know before, son?

No.

Lord, no.

Reminds one rather of cataract.

Cataract?

Oh, yes.

Cataract.

Hope the food's better.

It won't be.

What was that put him in?

Nothing.

Nothing material.

Is that right?

Yes.

Everything all right? Yeah, fine.

Hello, young man.

Looking for Buzzard?

Yes, but I wasn't quite sure where... In here.

It says, Doctor buzzard on the door. Do you see?

That's how you tell you've got the right room.

Clever, Dorothy.

Right, let's get you fixed up.

Well, of course you're under a strain. We're all under a strain. I myself

to feel the axe blade on my poor old neck at any moment.

And, of course, I'll prescribe something, Professor Ember.

But we're not machines, are we?

Even a professor of mathematics is not a machine.

How does it feel inside?

It feels... I haven't published for five years, from choice, and

now I'm on the verge of a breakthrough, a new development in catastrophe theory.

This is expect confidence.

Of course, of course. One of my research assistants is stealing my ideas.

Dear, dear, dear.

A young man, would that be?

Yes, an Asiatic.

Interesting. If he publishes first, they say I'm burnt out. Burnt out? Oh,

you're a mere boy.

No, no, I'm 42.

Most pure mathematicians are burnt out by the age of 13 with these cuts.

Yes, yes, I think I'm beginning to understand.

You're not burnt out. The problem is that one of your young men is steaming

fire. Exactly. Yes, I've seldom heard it put more poetically.

I'd hazard a guess that... John Thomas hasn't been up and about lately.

What? You're suffering impairment in the sexual drive. Don't worry. These

situations can often, how shall I put it, turn themselves inside out in a

of moments.

What? What do you know about catastrophe theory?

Have you been talking to Chen Sun Yao?

Not that I know of, my dear chap.

Now, sit down, why don't you, and let's have a little chat about libido.

Professor Ember!

Well, Dr. Tittle, quite straightforward as I see it.

You've got the screaming abdabs and I don't blame you. What should I do, Dr

Buzzard?

Kate says I've got to go back into school teaching.

Well, my wife Daphne gets these notions too. Just tell her to belt up and keep

taking the tablets. No, no, you don't understand.

Kate's an acronym.

Council for Accreditation of Teacher Education.

Ah, you're in the education department.

Senior lecturer. On the Mickey Mouse degree.

So... You give lectures on how to control the seething masses, do you?

Uh, broadly speaking.

And now they say you've got to get back in there at the chalk face or you're out

on your ear, right?

More or less, yes.

Classroom credibility, they call it. And you haven't set foot in a real school

for what?

Um, 15 years.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Well... Some would say you've got it coming to you. But I'm sympathetic.

Hairy places these days, state schools. Wouldn't let my kids near one of them.

I can't. I mean, I can't.

Oh, come on, cheer up.

I'll write you out something stronger.

Give me back that script.

There. Feel no pain with that stuff.

And I should get yourself a riot shield. Second -hand police job.

The non -flammable kind.

Yes, thank you.

Well, that's it then. Off you go to Bass Street.

And I shouldn't worry too much, buddy. You'll probably be on strike most of the

time.

Yes,

I can see exactly why you're concerned, Alice.

It's a very difficult time for women.

But I don't think drugs are the answer in this case.

The thing is, I can't concentrate with things like this.

Everyone says they're going to kick out 25 % of the second year.

Well, even supposing they did, why should it be you?

Getting steady gamma minuses for everything.

I see.

You're in the German department, aren't you?

Yeah. I thought so. Who's your tutorial supervisor?

Dr. Lavely. And he's the one who's sexually harassing you, yes?

Well, no, I didn't say that.

He's giving you steady gamma minuses when you're clearly a highly intelligent

woman. I think that's as clear a case of sexual bullying as anywhere likely to

see, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

I never thought we'd be like that.

Alice, I'd like you to go back to the German department and insist on having a

female tutorial supervisor.

If they ask you why, simply say you have your reasons at this stage.

But there isn't a female lecturer.

Really?

Good. That'll give them something to think about.

And you won't be on your own. The Women's Committee will back you all the

And I think you ought to do some assertiveness training at the Well Woman

Centre. The classes are free.

I take them myself.

All right.

Terrific. Thanks a lot.

We're going to take care of you, Alice.

Oh, and by the way, I think it might be a good idea to go to some German

lectures and read some books, just in case.

Yeah, right.

Brilliant.

Mr. Rott?

And you're the Arts Council Fellow in Creative Writing, right?

And how's it all going?

Oh, fine.

Well, not bad.

Well, it's horrible, really.

The room they've given me, it's a bit like death row.

But he hasn't got a phone, that's one good thing.

My students write about suicide, mostly.

Yeah. I'm having a whale of a time.

Are you able to do much writing of your own? Oh, well, that's the problem,

really. You see...

I seem to owe the BBC 17 ,000 quid for reasons I can't quite understand.

So I decided to write off the debt with this little serial.

Set in a place something like this.

Well, you know the sort of thing.

Sharp, satirical, black comedy with a bit of Chekhovian understated pathos.

Heaven on wheels, right?

The thing is, this place is crazy.

Every time I think up something really outrageous, reality comes up.

And tops it.

Any damn fool thing I think of really happens.

It's as if the university is mocking my powers of creative intelligence.

I keep getting this feeling that things are going seriously out of control.

I do know exactly what you mean.

But I'm not sure that I can help you with it.

That's all right. I didn't really think you could.

Um, what are you doing?

Oh, that's what I really came in to see about.

Why don't you take a look at my foot?

Two nuns ran over it in the car park this morning.

See what I mean?

They're here. Oh, damn, already? Couldn't you...

Ah, come in, gentlemen, come in. Morning.

Make yourselves at home.

Let's sit over here, shall we? It's much more comfortable. Coffee, I think,

Dorothy?

We've met before, haven't we, John?

Burlington House, wasn't it?

Burlington House, indeed it was, Ernie. May I introduce Granville Sard of the

Property Services Commission.

How do you do? Do you like it?

And, er, P .R. Pritterman.

Oh.

I'm sorry?

Um, Treasury.

Ah, yes.

Good, fine.

Well,

gentlemen, I'll lay all my cards on the table.

A 25 % cut has become something of a shock. I won't pretend it hasn't.

And that's why I'm delighted to see you here.

Now, I want you to feel free to go anywhere you want to, see anything you

to see, to talk to anyone you want to talk to.

Because I'm competent.

That you'll find... that you're in the most...

in the most cost -effective campus in the British

Isles. Knowing you, Ernest, I think we may well find just that.

Not as cost -effective as a poly.

I'm sorry, Mr Bridgman, I didn't quite catch that.

Oh, um...

Nothing really, Vice -Chancellor. It's just that polytechnics are, in general,

more cost -effective than universities.

Hardly comparable, surely.

Both servicing national needs for first and further degrees, both funded for

research.

No, you're probably quite right.

We're having to make a lot of noise at the moment about equal funding for the

polys, of course, but I don't think that one's a serious runner, Ernest. Not

when you consider the background of the present Cabinet.

Or any other, past, present or future.

Yes, well, I've worked out a possible... possible programme for the rest of the

day. It's entirely up to you, of course. Wonder where you will.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you'd probably like to talk to the chaps in cybernetics to hear about

the plans for the science park. That's entirely private funding, of course.

And then I thought, tonight, dinner, at a rather...

rather good little local restaurant.

I've made sure a few of the key people from finance and development will be

along, and you can make it a working meal. Ask any questions you want, sort

thing. Well, that all sounds like a very satisfactory start. Good.

Well, are there any initial questions before we kick off?

Could you tell me where the lavatory is?

Oh, of course, yes. It's outside the door and first on the left. Ah, right.

No need to be too concerned about Pretty Man Ernest.

He's a bit of an oddball.

Quite harmless, eh?

And likes to wander round on his own a bit.

Bit of a tourist, really. Ah.

He probably won't be joining us for dinner this evening.

Better, really, on the whole.

Spill soup and all that.

Ah.

Yes, fair enough.

Well, gentlemen, welcome to Lulun.

I think I've got to take it, Steven.

But will you like it, Lynn?

Will I like it?

Yeah. I'll love it.

Pitching at Hendon Police College.

Well, fantastic.

And it won't just be the ordinary college.

I'll be sorting out the real high flyers, inspectors and above.

Your girlfriend will be subsidising the top coppers of tomorrow.

Can I miss you?

Oh, Lynn.

You could come. It's not easy to get a job. Come and be my kept man. I can

afford you, then. I think I've got to stay here, Lynne.

Until they chuck me out, anyway.

Yeah.

Thought so.

Still, it's not that far.

You could come and see me.

I can come and see you. Won't be the same, though, will it?

No, won't.

Well, how could it? Everything changes. You'll find someone else.

Yeah, I might.

I don't know, do I? We'll just have to see how it goes.

Look, don't let's be sad about it.

Things sometimes have a habit of flipping themselves inside out.

Hello. Good evening.

You're in my bedroom.

Are you a mathematician?

No, I'm a doctor. Oh.

Look, what are you doing here? How did you get in?

Ask him.

Oh.

Are you part of this investigator team?

In a sense.

No, you're not. You're a chance professor. We met at the VC's party.

I'm Stephen Dacre.

Oh, yes.

Listen to me, Dr. Dacre.

The department's rather worried about Mr. Song Yao. He's been playing with

It would be better if you didn't mention my visit to him.

Would it? Why?

Just take it from me, Dr. Dacre.

As a professor.

My apologies for any inconvenience.

Good evening to you.

Dr. Dacre.

How do you do? Dr.

Buzzard. How do you do?

Dr. Rosemary.

Hello. Hello.

Nurse Gagan.

What's the matter with your finger?

Oh, nothing. A little scratch.

Will I have a look at it for you? Oh, no, no, no. Thanks.

Suit yourself.

Make yourself at home, my dear chap.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, well, the committee has asked me to take a look at the medical centre.

With a view to recommending one of us for redundancy.

Really? 25 % cut for doctors.

Oh, yes, I see. Yes, that would be logical.

But you're not necessarily going to do it. Oh, no, not necessarily.

No, we have quite a wide range of options.

We might recommend winding up the practice as a whole.

What?

Well, there is a notion abroad that one might do an asset -stripping exercise on

the whole university.

Move a couple of prestige departments over to Cambridge, say, or the

sector, close down the rest and dispose of the campus as real estate.

I don't suppose anything will come of it.

I shouldn't really be telling you that.

Actually, I'm just the dog's body. They've told me to spend a day with you,

watch you work and get the smell of things.

I'm sorry, it must be a frightful nuisance.

Not at all, my dear fellow.

It's just a question of browsing through some paperwork.

Ah, bit of a snag there.

We're living in the 20th century in this practice, and all our records are on

floppy disk. So if you're not familiar with the technology, old chap... I am,

thanks. Oh, right, fine, good.

And apart from that, if you don't mind me mooching about and chatting to you,

awful bore, I know.

I'm not sure that'll be possible, Mr. Prettyman.

All of us have a full day of visits and surgery, and even if my job depends on

it, I'm not prepared to compromise the doctor -patient relationship by having a

lay observer present.

Oh, dear, sorry.

Yes, of course, you're quite right. It's very crass of me.

The thing is, you see, I've got to... Perhaps you could spend some time on the

floppy disk this morning and then chat with us in the evening.

Right, good idea. We'll work you out a programme, pretty man.

Still play squash, do you?

Still? I don't quite... Oops. As you were, enough said.

Do you happen to play squash?

Occasionally, yes. Though chess is really my game. Right, half past five,

court, to the death.

We'll take the rest of the evening from there.

Oh!

Oh! Way back.

Here we go.

5 -2 to Buzzard.

What was that, old man?

Oh, nothing.

You don't look too grand, old buddy.

Yes, I... I do feel a bit below par.

This finger's throbbing a bit.

Ray circulation, nature's way of telling us healing.

Don't you worry, buddy. You're not going to die. Not till you see the old red

lines under your armpit.

You gave me a darn good game.

Takes you back, doesn't it?

Yes, yes, it does.

Lord, you were a cool one this morning. Could have warned you didn't remember

me.

You did that, didn't you?

We can talk in here.

Perfectly safe. Not a beat from here to the horizon.

Well, yes, Buzzard, of course I remember you.

Life's a funny thing, isn't it? All those years ago, and here we are again.

Yes.

You can come clean with me, Pierre.

That was just a smokescreen, wasn't it, about all those options? I mean, what

you're really looking for is one redundancy in the practice, isn't it?

You can tell me.

Won't go further than these four walls.

Well, yes, it does seem the likeliest of the alternatives.

Fuck, sir, fuck.

So?

Well, present company accepted.

You've got quite a choice of candidates, haven't you?

What makes you think present company's accepted?

What?

Well, you know.

I mean, we go back a long way, don't we? Happiest days of your life. Two old

buddies, P .R. Prettyman and Buzzard Major.

I really don't think you remember at all, do you?

When you were head of Junior Dawn, you didn't call me P .R.

Didn't I? No. You called me ugly bum.

And you slippered me every single bloody night.

Good God, are you sure?

And it was you who pointed out to the whole lower school that the label on my

vest said cherub.

So it did. So it did.

Cherub. I remember now.

Yes, you see, I used to lie awake every night trying not to sob too loudly.

And what I used to think was that one day I'd get that thick, sadistic,

buzzard major and I'd bloody well crucify him.

I'll try not to let that influence me too much, Dr. Buzzard.

Oh,

God,

here he is. Lieutenant Patrol Inquisitor.

Um, over here.

Sorry, I'm running.

Only a bit. Um, Lynn Turtle, this is Mr. Prettyman.

It's all right, I'm not stopping.

Get you a drink, right? A bitter?

Oh, that's very kind of you. And I wonder if I might... Oh, yeah.

The peanut man.

I'll get you some.

Ah, dear.

Does growth go well?

Uh, not too well.

Bob took me to play squash on my first day here. He's very good, isn't he?

Ah, yes.

As a squash player.

Here we are.

And the peanuts.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, congratulations, by the way. Thanks. What for?

The Hendon job.

How did you know about that?

Oh, sorry.

I hope it's not confidential.

It's just a contact.

Your name came up in connection with a possible opening in social policy.

But Hendon got in first.

They're very pleased with themselves at Hendon.

So they should be.

Yeah. Well, thanks.

I'm sure you'll be much missed here. Yes, you will.

Come here, pretty.

Oh.

How did you do that?

Not to tell him.

Anyway, I've got to go now.

Don't drink too much.

Very gifted young woman, that.

Yes, I know.

Not just with peanuts, you understand.

Yes, I do understand.

Poor doctor's full time in a practice of this kind is a bit of a nonsense, isn't

it? Um... You have very few young children and over 70s, and that's where

bulk of a doctor's work lies.

Or have I got it wrong?

No, you haven't got it wrong.

It is a bit of a luxury.

Oh, dear.

I was afraid of that.

Look, um, Dr Dacre, I think I ought to say that in these exploratory

the usual form is for people to tell me lies.

Does it get them very far?

Um... Hard to say for certain.

Buzzard took an interesting line. He showed me how the practice could be run

one, or at the most two, doctors using computerised self -diagnosis and

standardised medication strategies.

With overseas students paying full private fees, the medical service would

become a profit -making sector of the university.

I see.

I was hoping that you might, well, persuade me not to adopt that point of

Yes. One does like to know who one's doctor is.

Especially in a place like this, I should think.

It is a crazy place.

Oh, it's been crazier.

It must be terrible, your job.

Yes, it is, rather.

It's an awful responsibility, Stephen.

But you do share it, the responsibility. I mean, you're part of a team, I guess.

Well, um, not really.

I shouldn't really be telling you this, but...

Soames and Thod are just the front men.

I make all the judgments.

Do most of the work before I visit the place, of course. Read all the files,

all the right questions.

Former working model.

Your friend Chen Song Yao's a gifted man, isn't he?

Yes, I think so. They think so at UCLA, too.

Still, um... Where was I?

Soames and Thod. Yes.

Good chaps.

They're here to keep the vice -chancellor off my back so I can do my

You see, they're, um... They're not acting very bright.

You see?

And you are?

Yeah.

Afraid so.

P .R. Prettyman.

Bit of an oddball. Too clever by half.

Do you feel strange? It's very warm in here.

Yes, it is rather.

Perhaps you should go a bit slower on the beer.

Oh, no, I don't think it's the beer. I always drink a lot of beer.

Your colleague Buzzard's a bit of a fascist, isn't he?

Bob is all right when you get to know him. Is he really?

How about the other two?

Well, Rosemary's a brilliant doctor.

Totally dedicated, too.

And Jock?

Well, Jock's just about the most distinguished name in the development of

student ethics.

You're not making this very easy, are you?

Don't you want to fight for your job? Don't you like it here? Yes, I do, and I

don't want to lose my job, but I don't want to... Oh,

it's all right.

I just feel a curious sense of fatalism about the whole business.

Yes.

What will you do if you're made redundant, Stephen?

Oh, that's easy.

Go to London, try and get myself locum jobs.

I'll see you in a little bit.

The sexual life.

Something I've never managed to organise for myself.

You really should.

Yeah, well, it's not all that easy.

Good evening, Mr Prettyman.

Hello, Steve.

Good evening.

That's a nice dress. Can I say that? I've never seen you in a dress before.

you can say that, Steve.

Shall we have some beer? I think the idea is that we have dinner.

If that's all right, if you haven't eaten already.

Oh, no, no, I haven't.

Actually, I don't think I remember to have anything to eat today.

They say the executive grill is quite bearable.

How's the steak?

Oh, very good, I think.

Good.

I rarely eat meat myself, but I do like to see a man eat steak.

Strange, that, isn't it?

I'm really quite a good place, this.

Not a very moral place, I'm afraid.

Politically, I mean.

Catering charges the students the full -going rate for junk food, so it's able

to subsidise its place quite heavily.

Cholesterol and claret for the academic staff at £5 a head. And, of course,

they're waited on by their own students, which makes them feel good.

Oh, dear.

Rather like Catterick.

I didn't realise there was a university at Catterick.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's the army camp.

Much the same, though.

Inessentials. That's amazing.

I'd never have thought of that.

You must look very deeply into our society.

Yes, I suppose so, in a way.

Missed most of it, of course. Not really observant.

Blunder about, you know.

You give a very good performance, Mr. Prettyman.

Performance, do I? You don't blunder about. You grasp them very quickly,

you? No, I don't. Not really.

I feel quite out of my depth with you.

I don't usually feel like that with people.

I expect you're always finding that.

What?

Well, I suppose you'd have to call it the aphrodisiac properties of power.

It's something I don't like to admit to you, but there it is.

Do you mind?

Uh, no.

Oh,

no, no, really, I'm drinking this.

Oh, I don't have a very good head for wine.

Oh, well.

You're tired, aren't you?

I do feel a bit... Sorry.

You must have had a terribly exhausting day. Look, I've got an idea.

Let's skip coffee here.

I'll take you back to my flat. It's not far.

You can put your feet up and relax for half an hour.

Actually, there's something I'd really like you to look at.

Just a few notes on the way you run the practice. Nothing very profound.

Probably you'd find them rather naive, but...

I'd love your opinion.

Or you could have a nap.

Whatever you like.

You're a remarkable person, Mr.

Prettyman.

A very unusual man.

Oh, dear, am I?

It's hard for me to form a judgment about that. I don't get any practice,

see.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine, I think. Thank you.

My arm feels rather strange.

Only your arm.

I feel strange all over.

Really?

I don't usually make a habit of this, you know.

No, you've been very kind. I've taken up far too much of your time.

Don't go.

Well, Dr. McCannon's expecting me.

Woe and duty.

Woe and duty.

Will we see each other again, Mr. Prettyman?

Oh, I... I hope so.

I'm glad.

Actually, um, there was something else I wanted to ask you.

Yes?

Do you think I could have another glance at those files of yours before I go?

And Jock, poor old Jock, is last.

Well, the readiness is all.

Walk towards the chink of light, Mr. Pretty Man, and not be to run away.

Pardon?

Dr. McCannon? No need to tell me, pretty man.

I know your errand and your fell purpose.

The old king must be sacrificed so that the lowland may bloom again.

No, really, it wasn't that.

Come closer, pretty man.

I want to see my executioner clearly.

I, um, I don't feel all that.

Good God, he disappeared.

Where are you, pretty man?

No need to crawl on your belly like a snake.

Where are you, man?

What's the matter with you?

I wonder if you'd mind looking at my right armpit.

An odd request.

Freemason, I suppose.

Please. If you insist.

You're not really dressed for this game, you know.

Red marks?

No, no, Freud and Melanie Klein every time for me.

Now, let's get some light on this.

Oh, I see.

Red marks.

Pretty man.

You have acute blood poisoning.

You're going to die.

Oh.

Morning.

I'm not dead, then?

Of course you're not dead.

You're full as a gum with penicillin, you are.

Up and about tomorrow.

Good.

You've been a bit of a mucky pup, haven't you?

How did you know?

You let that little scratch get all infected.

You would have been a goner if Dr. McCannon hadn't got his act together.

Still, you're on the mend now.

Has, um... Has Dr.

Rosemary said anything?

She's been in to see you.

All the doctors have been in to see you. You've had four doctors and a nurse,

and now you have.

You've been treated like royalty.

You're all very kind.

My case. Where's my case?

It's right by the bed here. Don't you worry.

I must see my colleagues, Mr. Thones and Mr. Sod.

Gentlemen.

Chen, what are you doing?

Packing my gear, as you see.

Things flip around very fast here.

What happened?

University of Lowlands reluctantly finds it has to let Chen go.

What?

Was it Amber?

Yeah, but don't worry about Chen.

Amber goes to Hemingway and... tells him a load of rubbish about me.

Then the bit I don't understand, that guy, what's his name? Pretty Boy. Pretty

Boy makes a phone call. Pretty Boy.

That's the guy.

Then suddenly, Berkeley, California, can't wait to have me. First class

my own blackboard, my own surfboard, my own keyboard.

All I have to do is think.

Well, as our national poet says,

I think I could cope with that.

I'm sure you could, Chen, but what about all this? I mean, your new breakthrough

in catastrophe theory.

Oh, Dad, I leave it to Professor Amber.

Chen, you can't do that. It's yours. He'll just take credit for it.

Well, I was looking at it all again last night.

I found this big mistake right here.

In the middle.

Everything after this, just a load of rubbish.

I think it will take maybe a year to work it out.

Mr. Thames and Mr. Sartre. Ah, yes. Come in, gentlemen.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Come in.

As you've all been so kind, I thought you should be the first to know about

recommendations for the practice and for the university as a whole. My

colleagues are with the vice -chancellor now.

Glad to see you're looking so much better, PR.

Oh, thank you, Buzzard.

Can I help you with that, PR?

Oh, thank you.

Now, as you've worked out for yourselves, four doctors in the present

constitutes a luxury.

The committee's recommendation is that Dr. McKinnon takes early retirement with

a suitable financial arrangement.

You miserable, ungrateful git.

However...

In view of the tremendous strain the practice will be under with the coming

merger, you'll want to buy Dr. McCannon back again on a freelance basis to give

consultation. So Jock gets two incomes.

Um, that's how these things usually work.

Dr. Dacre to take over as head of the practice.

Congratulations, Steve.

Yes, absolutely.

Best man for the job.

My dear boy, my kingdom will be in safe hands.

But I don't think I'm up to it.

That's the usual form, too.

Sorry.

As to the university as a whole, we're recommending fairly sweeping changes.

Who's for the chop, then?

Well, the most important one's the vice -chancellor, of course.

Ernest Hemingway?

Well, it was obvious.

He's failed to keep his talented people, he backed all the wrong horses, and he

couldn't even flog the campus to the Japanese.

His lack of principle, I'm afraid, is mitigated only by his lack of

He'll probably get a government post and something in the honours list.

You said something about merger.

Yes. I can't give you details at the moment.

It'll necessitate some readjustments, but it should take care of the financial

problem. But who is it with, the...

Polytechnic? Um, I'm not at liberty to say just yet, Sprouse.

But, um, well, you might be able to guess.

What's the fastest -growing employment sector in the economy?

Fast food industry?

The HSA?

Um, I'm afraid I can't say any more than that.

Out of the practice, though.

Didn't I keep telling you you were wonderful?

Yes, you did.

And Prettyman thought so, too.

He seemed to like all of us, in a way.

Cheer up, then.

Here we are, the two big successes.

I don't want to be a big success, Lynne. I thought I did, but I don't.

I just want to do my job and be happy.

I just wish things could go along like this.

Everything changes, Doug.

So do I.

But it wouldn't be me if I did, would it?

No.

I do love you, Lynn.

Yeah, I know.

Me too.

Bleeding tragic, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Oh, hey.

Things work out.

Put your trust in catastrophe theory.

Still early days.

Well, everybody's going.

How am I going to cope?

You will cope.

Hang loose.

And you can both come out to the coast and see me. Aye.

Look at this.

Party here by the name of Sung Yao.

Right here, baby.

Take my bags.

And remember, sometimes things flip right inside out.

Come on, man, get in.

And now you're going.

It's like the start of a new ice age, Lynn.

Yeah. Did you arrange all of this, then? Yes.

You know, I wanted something in keeping with my mood.

What do you think of it?

Oh, hey.

Don't be sad.

I'm not sad, not really.

I'm just waiting for things to flip.

Sorry to interrupt. That's all right. How's your foot?

Oh, the foot's healing fine. Thanks. The main thing is, I've cracked the story.

Nobody could possibly think of this one. Listen.

The university's going bust, right? So, they sack the vice -chancellor.

How's that?

Er, rust.

Ah, that's not all.

They then merge the university with... This one you'll never get.

Hendon Police College!

Heaven on wheels!

What do you say?

Daryl, look.

No.

No.

No.

Get happy.

It's my foot, Doc.

It's not my other foot! Don't move. I'm going to be all right.

Help me, Doc. Help me.

Okay. I'm looking after him now. He's going to be fine.

Thanks, Doc.

Thanks.

Don't thank me.

I'm just doing my job.