Original subtitles

It's a long way from anywhere you've ever been before.

Got to get your act together.

We're not sure.

We know.

7 a .m. in the sick university, and the familiar odor of fear and loathing rises

in the air.

The armies of the sick are massing together for another day.

And for the last two nights,

McCannon has slept at his post.

He feels treachery in the camp.

He has slept badly.

The ghostly apparitions of the past have counseled him.

Despair and die.

Despair and die.

Yes.

But MacCannon is not ready to despair and die. Not yet. There is life in this

practice. The lake shimmers in the morning light like a silver blade.

The green shoots spread up against the frosty ground.

MacCannon takes comfort.

in the stubborn ferocity of a snowdrop.

What about you, then?

Pretty good, eh?

Really impressive.

Come here, Stephen.

Now, don't panic.

Just take it like a man.

Not bad at all.

Come on, Superman.

One more circuit.

Oh, please, sorry, darling, but there's no way I'm risking my life in that

vehicle. You take it in a wheelie for two new times.

Fine, fine, absolutely no problem, my darling.

I'll just give myself a quick coronary. You do know where the wheel is, don't

you? Ciao for now.

Into the car, Sprong. Back feet and belt up.

Daddy is not in one of his rages. Daddy is in complete control.

Why have we got to go so early?

Because Daddy's got a working breakfast and Mummy's making one of her points a

bloody principle.

It'll be a whole hour early.

Best hour of the day, Ollie. That's the one when you get ahead of the

opposition. No, it's not. All that happens is you get dust up by the

Do you know what they call us, Daddy?

They call us the double glazing vets.

Why do you think they do that?

Hi, Stephen.

Want a cup of tea? Chen, you shouldn't, really.

I mean, it's my turn.

I was up.

Big mathematical thought.

I made three cups.

I see you've got a big girl in your bathroom.

Um, yes.

It's okay.

I'll take my cup away.

I understand these English hang -ups.

What a wonderful phrase.

Oh, yeah. I'm not bleeding, Vicky.

Okay, enjoy.

No, no, really, it's not like that. Do stay if you like.

Thank you, but no. I have to think about math.

Hi, Chet.

Good morning, lovely girl.

Enjoy.

I do.

Hello.

Hello. It's all right, this meeting, the opportunities and all?

Yes, of course. Pleasure.

That's good.

And did he flinch?

No, he didn't. He took it in his stride.

Now, the thing is, first of all, your place is so much handier than mine.

And also, it gives you a good chance to get used to my body in a non

-threatening context.

See? Just absolutely ordinary stuff, Doc.

I wouldn't say that.

Couple of mates been out for a jog.

You can handle it.

I thought that came later on.

Oh, jokes now.

We are doing well.

Yes.

You're quite right, that does come later on.

Oh, whenever you're ready.

OK?

What's the next stage?

Hmm.

Let's see.

You and me.

In bed.

No clothes.

But no sex. How does that sound?

Nice indeed.

Good.

It really is extraordinarily kind of you, all this, Lynn.

You reckon?

Why do you bother?

Jordan's interested with that project.

Ah, yes, I see.

Your face.

Because I like you very much, you prat.

I think I'm in love with you.

Oh, dear.

Very bad, that.

Is it?

Well, of course it is.

It's part of your problem, isn't it? Faulty learning.

What sort of behaviour do you associate with love, eh?

Functional impotence, for a start.

Getting plates thrown at me.

Bad sleep patterns.

Gastric disorders, nausea, vertigo.

Banging my head on the bathroom wall.

Letters from the solicitor.

I do see what you mean, then.

Right.

So we'd better come up with another word for what you've got with me.

Lynne, I feel really good.

I think I'm a very lucky man.

This is true.

The more I see of medical practice, the more convinced I am that it's the simple

matter of some people knowing how to live in the 20th century.

Some who just haven't got a clue about the way it's going.

Absolutely, Jimmy.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, you're the guy in the surgery.

I haven't had my hands on a patient since I was a houseman.

Here, pass that over. Let's have a go.

Well, it is some sort of intelligence test. I remember this place when they

proper pots with silver spoons.

A chap wouldn't wake up in the morning with a real pot of tea.

Got to go to Highland for that these days.

Okay, steady on.

Radical surgery.

Oh, damn!

Is that the feud?

What? Oh.

Yes, what do you think?

Damn good, Sue.

Mind you, it ought to be for the money.

Wasn't there any trouble about that, Walter?

No, no.

Couldn't put it through the books, of course. Had to take it out of the tea

money, so to speak.

Never mind.

Next time we'll get you a proper hamburger consultancy facilitation.

What's that, Jimmy?

A little check.

Quite a middling one, to be fair.

In any currency you like, within reason.

Multinationals have their uses.

Yes, I see, Jimmy. Oh, God, I wish I'd got in a pharmaceutical when you did.

No more propping up the mad old fart.

No more worrying about the uppity dyke and herb plots. And that new guy, who's

settling in far too well.

I should have been a hamburger man.

Well, it really isn't what it's cracked out to be.

Money isn't, is it?

Maybe it isn't, but I'd like to be in a position to say it from experience.

You are bald.

Well, you could be.

Freelancing from a solid base.

Best of all worlds.

I'm not supposed to moonlight, Jimmy.

Nobody is, but everybody does. Everyone who's got something to offer.

We don't call it moonlighting. We call it giving consultation.

Who knows?

We might even arrange for a bit of private consultation for you in return.

Can be very stimulating, giving consultation.

Really?

Trust me.

How did that happen, by the way? Wonderful girl.

Funny, I never seemed to think of her quite like that.

Oh, she's fine, I suppose. Bullet beans, getting on with her life.

Banging on about next summer already.

Tenerife, she said.

Out of the question, of course.

School fees, cars.

Of course, there's nothing I'd like more than to bring a smile to her face.

Oh, I think you might make that.

Really?

Think we could have more of this stuff, my dear?

We're having the Easter conference in Bermuda. Yeah?

I think Hamburger might be persuaded we need you along.

Couldn't quite swing it for Daphne, I'm afraid.

But you could for me.

Yes, we could.

Because you'd be giving a paper.

What the hell would I be giving a Hamburger paper on?

Ah, that's the number.

Very, very good of you all to give me a few brief moments from your manifold

tasks. Listen to this. It's from the vice -chancellor, malevolent, backbiting

dwarf.

Dear McCannon, not Jock, you note.

We on the academic and research committee feel that it's time that the

services contribution in the research field should have its proper recognition

within the university and also nationally and internationally.

Perhaps you'd let me have a memo of published...

ongoing and proposed research initiated in your group.

As ever.

Ernie. Well, I don't see what's wrong with that.

Don't you?

Don't you? It's Machiavellian.

Hemingway and his gang of cronies have tried to treat us like an academic

department as if we were philosophers or engineers.

Publish or die, and if you don't publish, we'll kill you. That is the

his letter.

Oh, dear.

But you've published, Jock. We've all published.

I haven't published.

And my work.

Major work, though it be, lies 15 years in the past.

Remainded on the university bookshop at 50p. But surely this isn't quite fair,

is it?

Fear?

You talk of fearless in a modern university.

But we provide a service, don't we?

Some of us do. Well, I mean, we're here to care for our patients, aren't we? And

that's surely a full -time job.

Well, if we do it properly, isn't it?

Well, bosh, Stephen.

If you start saying that, you may as well say that the lecturers are here to

teach their students.

Actually, I thought they were, Bob.

Notionally, yes.

Notionally. Hypothetically.

But in reality, they're here to avoid contact with the students as much as

possible while they write books and articles no one's going to read and swan

to conferences to give papers no one's going to listen to. And the more of that

they do, the more time off they get to do even more of it until they get so

eminent there's no danger of them ever having to see another student.

Some of one's colleagues are quite successful in avoiding student contact

without being eminent at all.

I am myself hoping that we can survive this difficult period until the cruel

searchlight swings round onto someone else. Meanwhile, I'll be very grateful

anything you can put in the memo.

I have myself begun a new work.

The Thick University.

I believe it'll have some little greatness about it.

Rosemary?

I'll let you have a list, Jock.

Mainly on women patients in a world of male doctors.

About a dozen over the last two years, including conference papers.

And I've got a contract with Virago for a book.

Stephen?

Nothing at the moment, I'm afraid.

I'm hoping to, of course, but, um... Well, I'm finding the actual general

practice of taking up all my time so far.

Well, Stephen does have a particularly heavy patient load.

Never there, Stephen.

Think about it.

It's crucial.

Bob.

No problem.

Bob! You haven't, you... Yes,

it is, actually.

Very smart.

Would that be marmalade you've been smearing over your crotch? Yes, it

Jock. I see.

And have you anything to offer us besides your decorated suit?

Indeed I have.

Confidan.

I've got us a real project.

An in -depth, intensive study of the new hamburger tranquilizer breakthrough.

Sure, I've read something about that.

Wasn't there some sort of trial in the States?

Yes, I think there was, but that was just a preliminary hiccup. We've got the

real thing.

Intensive user trials with Hamburger funding personal consultancy fees and

real chance of endowments for the university if we get it right.

Endowments? Ah, that awful of a smell of an endowment. Bob, you have done well.

Thanks, Jock.

and I'd be happy to let you in on some of it, Stephen, until you get your own

project underway.

That's very kind of you, Bob. Thank you. And you, Rosemary, if you're

interested. No, thank you, Bob. I'm quite happy with my own work.

Fair enough.

Well... There's the bump.

Confidant.

That's the paddle that's going to get us out of Shit Creek.

Has someone been vomiting on it, Bob?

The beauty of it is we can get a really big sample because confidant has so many

indications. It's bloody wonderful stuff, Stephen.

Examiners, I don't know.

Absolutely.

Reduces anxiety without turning you into a cabbage.

Be spot on for your panic and terror, Stephen.

Fancy a couple now? I know. Actually, panic and terror have been on the

lately. Is that toddy of yours?

It's not my toddy, Bob. Yes.

Fair enough.

If you ask me, a woman's only a woman, but a good drug's safer in the long run.

Anyway, this stuff.

Exam nerves aren't the half of it.

Post -flu depression, nausea and diarrhea, general undefined shitty

male menopause, menstrual gloom, you name it, confidence the answer.

It's compatible with alcohol, too.

You make it sound like a patent medicine, Bob. I haven't thought of

off a barrel in the market, have you?

Let's be serious, Stephen.

This is the one that's going to put us on the map.

It's not an analgesic, but the mood management factor's so good, I'm even

to try it on minor sports injuries.

Raises the pain threshold, you see?

Pop it into a few of those big chaps.

Then you could hit them with a goalpost. They wouldn't care a bit.

Well, right.

I wouldn't be sticking my neck out if I wasn't sure.

If Hamburger International are going all the way for it, it's going to be good.

And why have they picked up?

Oh, well, bit of luck, really.

Old school friend of mine, Jimmy Partington.

Always kept in touch, and now he's a big hamburger man.

Right.

Starting tomorrow, we'll push the stuff out. It's strictly a short -term job, so

we should get all the data we need in a couple of weeks.

I'm going on to three -minute consultations to get the numbers up, and

you to do the same.

Oh, Stephen.

I haven't felt so cheerful in years. We're really going somewhere at last.

Look, Bob, I'm really awfully grateful, but I'm a bit worried. Are you saying we

should just get the patient, listen to the symptoms, prescribe confidant where

indicated, and shoot them out again?

Exactly. And where indicated means just about every single bot that walks

through your door. Then check them out in six and ten days. Bingo. I don't

I can just do that, Bob.

I mean, they come to us more than that, don't they?

I'm not going to poison them, buddy.

This stuff's going to do them good.

The thing is, if you're going to let them cry on your shoulder or mop their

fevered brows or whatever it is you do, it's not only going to take up time,

it's going to fog the issue.

What made them better, Confidant or Dr.

Dacre's doggy eyes?

You know, if this goes well, buddy, this time next time you'll be walking around

the university in a suit like mine.

Well, Jill, I think you're coping with it very sensibly.

It is a daunting experience reading a seminar paper.

But you got through to the end, didn't you?

Yes, more or less.

About halfway through, the floor started coming up and tilting.

And I had this very strange sensation that my professor was turning upside

Quite funny, really.

Anyway, I managed to say any questions so far. And, of course, there weren't.

that gave me a chance to do your breathing thing.

And the floor... I thought it got itself together, and my professor, very, very

slowly, turned all the way back again, and I got the thing finished.

Well, that's fine.

We're winning slowly.

I wish we were winning fast.

Well, I'm going to give you something which should help in the short term and

reinforce your own efforts.

It'll relax you generally, and that should help you control the

hyperventilation.

Now, I want you to take one of these three times a day, every day, and come

see me again in six days' time, OK?

Yes.

Thanks ever so much, Dr Dacre.

See you Tuesday, then.

OK, then.

Come in, Rosemary.

Do you have a moment?

Yes, of course.

She was my last this morning.

What is it, Rosemary?

Well...

As a matter of fact, I want to confide in you.

Oh.

Right, fine.

But don't be alarmed. I'm not alarmed.

I'm afraid I alarmed you when I confided in you last. No, you didn't, really.

Oh, I think I did.

I told you I was having an affair with Helen Fury.

And you've not been able to look at me without blushing ever since.

Why is that, I wonder?

I haven't told anyone else, you know.

Oh, sure you haven't.

Not that I'd mind if you did.

My sexuality disturbs you, doesn't it?

No, really.

Well, I mean, it did surprise me a bit at first, but then when I thought about

it, well, I mean, I find women more attractive than men.

Women are more attractive than men, so it's hardly surprising if they're

attracted to each other.

Well, when you look at it like that, it's a wonder you're not at each other

the time.

It's very sweet of you to say that, Stephen. You're trying very hard to

understand, but you still can't look at me, and you're blushing as much as ever.

What is it, Stephen?

I just don't know how to take you.

As a friend and a colleague, I hope.

That shouldn't be too hard, should it?

Oh, no.

I mean, I really admire your work and everything, and I respect your judgment.

But you're still bothered because you find me attractive.

And you can't reconcile that with your stereotype of a lesbian woman, that's

isn't it?

Oh. And being bisexual, like over 70 % of the population, I can empathize with

that.

And yes, your instinct is right.

I find you attractive, too.

You and I could quite easily have a relationship, which I'm sure would be a

valuable learning experience for both of us.

But we're not going to, of course.

Because we're adults, and we're capable of exercising our options in a rational

way.

Aren't we?

Yes.

Yes, of course we are.

I'm really impressed with the way you've thought this through.

You're absolutely right.

It's best to get the psychodynamics of the thing out into the open.

I really feel much better about the whole thing, thanks to you.

Well, thanks very much, Rosemary.

You know, I've made up my mind to leave it all undiscussed. I came in to talk

about something quite different.

What was that?

This confidant study.

Are you quite sure you're not being exploited?

No, I don't think so. I'm keeping an open mind. In fact, I'm prescribing it

selectively. That's not quite what I meant.

Bob Buzzard is a dear friend, of course, and a valued colleague, but he is very

ambitious.

There could be a great deal of prestige value in a successful study. You are

sure you've been credited with joint ownership on the report?

Well, no.

I mean, it is Bob's thing.

Ah. So, in effect, he's using you as an unpaid and unrecognised research

assistant.

I never thought of it like that.

I am speaking as a friend and a colleague in confidence.

Yes, of course.

Thanks.

Um, Rosemary, if this project carries such prestige, why didn't you want to

in on it yourself?

I have my own lines of research, Stephen.

Anyway... I just wanted you to get your full share of the credit.

That's all.

As a colleague and a friend.

That's right.

What do we have to do now?

Nothing, Doc.

Absolutely nothing.

Just relax and eat your banana.

That's the programme.

That's really all?

Yeah, that's really all.

Don't you think we might get bored?

It's all right to get bored.

As long as we're comfortable.

Right.

What if we happened to... What if we found we felt like we wanted

to? We just don't.

We just lie here, enjoying it.

Enjoying what?

Wanting to, but not.

Knowing we could if we felt like it, but not.

That's the rule.

Oh, I see.

Had all the bananas you want?

Yeah, thank you, Min.

Right, then.

Turn over.

You've got a nice, warm back.

What am I going to do, Lin?

Just lie there.

I do things. You don't do anything.

That's the rule.

No, I mean, what am I going to do about the research project?

Hmm.

I've been thinking about that. I think Rosemary's got a point.

Why don't you ask Bob if you can run a control group?

Match the symptoms, different treatment. Bob gets the wonder drug, yours gets

the usual.

Then that's brilliant.

No, it's not.

Standard procedure.

I mean, why isn't he doing it already?

You don't suppose he's trying to fake something up just to please the company,

do you?

Might be.

Have you switched your brain off?

Are you all right in there?

I'm fine.

I think...

Actually,

I think I'm surprising myself.

Oh, yes?

Then, do we have to stick to the rules?

Yes, we do.

Oh.

Then, how long does this stage of the programme last?

About six months.

Oh.

Your face.

That's fine, Stephen. Control group. Damn good idea.

No need to worry about the numbers. I scored 25 yesterday.

25?

Prescribed confidant for 25 patients. Certainly I did, buddy. If a thing's

doing, it's worth doing well.

And they're all in the old memory bank.

Oh, don't you worry, Stephen. Even if you're monitoring the control group,

should still be a suit in it for you.

Really? Just like yours?

Well, maybe not. Just like mine. But it will have the marmalade crunch.

Sorry, don't quite follow your buddy.

Seen Jock today?

No. A bit worried about Jock, actually.

He seems to have stopped going home. He just crouches in his room, muttering

into a cassette recorder.

I think he's all right.

He's working on his book, buddy. He's fine. Never better.

At least it's keeping him out of mischief.

Oh, damn.

Always takes me by surprise, that.

Well, there it is. The shape of the future.

Look, buddy, we've both got a heavy day today. Why don't you come round for

lunch on Sunday and we can talk the thing through then?

Daphne and the boys are dying to meet you. Oh, thanks very much.

Fine. Bring that toddy of yours, if you like. Good God, is that the time? I'd

better get cracking.

I'm aiming to shift 30 of them today.

Mr Harari for Dr Dacre, please.

Ah, yes, starting to dry up very nicely. I can see that from here.

And feeling a bit more comfortable, yes.

But it's been a worrying time.

Herpes simplex is a bit of a downer, isn't it? So I want you to carry on with

the original medication and take three of those a day as well. You'll feel a

better in general and come back to see me in six days, right?

Fine.

Blender parrot for Dr. Buzzard, please.

Yes.

Yes.

A typical consultation in the sick university.

Always the same, always new. One face, one body.

Taken at random from the long procession of pain.

This is a young man.

The unlined, greasy, pustular skin denotes innocence and ignorance.

But then the eyes meet the eyes of the doctor and everything is changed.

changed utterly in that moment of acknowledgement of a shared mortality in

each symptom inscribes itself as an ideograph of the inevitable death that

all we humans share.

A terrible beauty is born.

The existential bond has been forged and now it can begin.

So, what's the matter with you? Who made your chair up? Uh, piles.

Fine, fine, don't think we need to look at it now. The nurse will change the

dressing for you. Still a bit painful, waking you up in the night now and then?

Never mind.

Take three, no, four of those a day and come back to see me next Tuesday, right?

Miss Julie Cranford, Dr. Buzzard, please.

I thought it was San Diego.

And they shredded it.

And you're sure it was that hamburger tranquilizer?

That's very interesting, isn't it?

Lois, you don't happen to know anyone who was on the team, do you?

OK.

Lois, that would be marvellous.

No, Mrs Kramer, that wouldn't be any problem at all.

I'm only seeing 37 patients on Thursday. I can fit in with Pickles at 3 .51

precisely.

Each day, death triumphs.

Each day, they come to us, the faces of the sick, demanding to be made better.

Knowing that no one can be made better, they are just preserved a little longer.

Each day, the Sisyphean therapist pushes his boulder up the mountain.

Each day it rolls back.

Each day he ponders the alternatives of cynicism and despair.

And so the thick university, emblem and icon of the dying planet, shuffles

towards the end of another week.

Eh?

I'll be with you in a moment.

Tube node.

Three times a day.

You'll notice the difference by tomorrow, but come back to see me again

Tuesday in any case.

But I'm not ill.

Nothing wrong with me.

All right.

You put him for extra secretarial assistance?

Well, here I am.

Oh, I see.

All right.

Fine.

You look a bit peaky, though.

Look, um...

I've one of mine.

I can't quite think why I'm going to all this trouble, can you, darling?

I don't suppose any of them have even heard of Nouvelle Cuisine.

They wouldn't know a kiwi fruit from a gooseberry.

That person in the boiler seat will probably ask for salad cream on it.

I mean, why can't they all stay in their bedsit with their pot noodles and let

us get on with our lives?

We are getting on with our lives, my darling.

Oh, yes, we are, my darling.

Entertaining your no -hope drunken friends.

Honestly, Robert, darling, if any of them falls face down in the pudding this

time, that's it. No more, no way. They won't do that, my darling. Working

Working lunch?

If it's a working lunch, why has Dado brought his tart?

She's not his tart, my darling. She's his totty. Now, tart or totty, what's

doing here?

Why are they so early? Don't they know what time people have lunch?

Good practice for the boys.

Fine. Splendid. Wonderful practice. Let's invite a bunch of tramps round

Sunday. Even better practice.

Thank you very much for that.

Daphne.

What?

You do love me, don't you, Daphne?

Robert? Are you all right?

It's been a bit of a fraught week.

Oh, Robert.

Didn't notice.

Yes, of course I love you.

And I'm sure this pill thing's going to be absolutely the cat's pyjamas.

It's just a... Sometimes, you know, one wonders what it's all about.

That's all.

Let's have a fast gin, just you and me.

Let them stew for a bit.

Get ahead of the opposition.

That's it, my darling.

Not unrelated to Tenerife, this lunch.

What's going on with our lives?

Mummy and Daddy are having a row in the kitchen.

How do you know?

I mean, they might be making love for all you know.

Don't do that in the kitchen.

Right, I'll try and remember that, Ollie.

Anyway, I think it's rather rude to talk about that sort of thing.

Oh, Daddy's a doctor, you know.

Are you a doctor, too?

Yes, I am, actually.

He hates being a doctor.

Because of the patients, you know.

And his colleagues. You see, he has these awful colleagues.

The mad old fart.

And the uppity dyke.

Actually, I'm not sure what an uppity dyke is.

They have a lot of them in Holland.

And the wet liberal.

He's so wet, he could shoot a snipe off his back.

Sounds a useful character.

Yes. If you wanted to shoot, Snipe, I suppose you would be.

Stephen Lynn drinks.

Thank you, boys. You can bugger off now.

Honestly, darling, you are making rather a dog's breakfast, aren't you?

Awkward swines, these saddles of land. She doesn't know which way to come at

them. Jimmy, would you be an angel and pour the wine?

No problem. Damn.

Oh, really, darling?

I think he's doing fine.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Lynn thinks you're doing fine, so there's nothing to worry about.

Of course, I was terribly spoiled to the girl.

Daddy was a wonderful carver.

And still is.

Isn't he, boys?

Daddy, she would have you know, is an obstetric surgeon.

A really fast man with a knife. First time I saw him go to work on a turkey, I

fainted dead away.

Well, at least he didn't pour juice all over his suit.

What? Oh, God!

Quiet, civilised lunch. Do you think we could do that now, darling?

Well, here.

Thank you.

Here's to us.

Confident. Oh, yeah.

How's that going?

Well, Bob's the man, Clark.

Absolutely fine. Not a hit, not a hiccup. Mind you, it's next week we're

to see the first proper result, but I'm very confident. He ought to be. He took

two of them just before lunch. What method are you using for dealing with

um... Oh, what's he called?

The... The data?

Well, it's all a bit technical, then. A bit hard to explain to the layman. A lay

person, Jimmy.

Yes, indeed, lay person.

Well, then, do you see yourself as a lay person?

Yeah, now and then, Jimmy.

Not in this context, though.

I mean, crudely speaking, your problem would be matching the control and

how much to allow for the Holthorne effect.

Well, that's a start.

Hey, hey, hey.

You're not just a pretty babe, are you?

No. My bum's usually considered to be my best feature, Jimmy. How about you,

huh? Stop that!

I do hope I'm not going to have to ask anyone to leave the table.

Stop it!

Stop!

Plenty of energy, that totty of yours, Stephen.

She's not a totty, Jimmy, and she doesn't belong to me, you know. I think

find she does, old chap.

I didn't tentatively test the hypothesis on the landing earlier on.

No dice.

Awfully nice about it, but no dice.

I belong to Stephen.

That's what her lovely eyes said.

What did her lovely mouth say?

I think it said, don't let's make prats of ourselves, Jimmy.

So there you are.

Belongs to you.

There's a logical flaw in the design of your experiment.

Just because she doesn't fancy you... Hello?

Nobody belongs to anybody else.

I belong to Daphne.

Where is Daphne?

Out with the dogs. Think it's best.

You know...

I'm very glad I got you both here today.

Like old times.

Absolutely.

You and I didn't have any old times, Bob.

No. But from now on, we can.

Important point in history, this.

Start of something getting done.

Feel as if I started to get on with my life again, not bogged down.

Well, if we can get a good result on this one.

Hamburger are going to be very happy.

And what exactly is a good result?

You know what a good result is, Stephen. It's the one that gives us the

consultancy retainers and the elegant research profiles.

Not to mention the suits.

Not to mention the suits.

Actually, I wish you hadn't mentioned the suits just now.

And the university endowment. We could go the way that Salford's going. Get so

much private investments, we could go independent, eh?

I'd like to be a part of that.

That is a breakthrough Robert Buzzard could spearhead.

Daphne would be pleased.

Daphne would be very pleased.

She's given me the best years of her life.

At least one could hazard a guess that they were the best years of her life.

She's been very patient.

Do you know, everyone in my family is a company director, except me.

And everyone in her family is a consultant, at the very least.

And here she is, married to a general practitioner in a holiday camp.

I've seen it in her eyes.

When's he going to get on with his life?

Well, I think this is really going to be it.

That's very moving, Bob.

I hope it all works out for you.

Thanks, Stephen.

And I'll tell you another thing.

I won't forget your help and encouragement.

Oh, hello, my love. lovely girl. Come and have a brandy with us. No, thanks,

Bob. I've come to take Dr. Dacre away.

Hmm. I think you've made a bit of a dog's breakfast of him.

Come on,

it's important.

If I make it to the bridge.

We'll see.

You do smell very nice, I'll say that.

Apart from your breath.

I gargled. What with, Doc?

Gavossier?

You smell very nice.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact, I don't mind the smell of brandy. Not really. It's all

right on you.

Um, what are the rules?

Well, I thought I'd stay here all night.

If that's okay with you.

You have to diddle in.

Anything else?

Nothing else.

I thought we'd see how it goes.

How about that?

Well, then... And, um... Well, if we do feel like doing something, we might as

well get on with it. That's what I thought, because it's not as if it's any

the first time. No.

I've got no great expectations of it, but, well, we can have a laugh, can't

Yes, I'd like that, dear.

There's something else I've got to say to you.

Go on.

Well, if it turns out to be a great success, you're not going to go all

me, are you? How do you mean?

Oh, you know, the way people in love go on.

Possessive, obsessive, nasty, jealous, sulky, all that.

No, I've done all that, Lynn. Good.

Because when I'm with you, I'm with you.

But I like to be in other places, too.

Yes, I know that.

And other people, Stephen.

I really fancy quite a lot of people.

Yes, I do realise that, Lynn. I mean, if you didn't, you probably wouldn't fancy

me, would you?

That's nice.

OK, Doc.

You've passed the fiver.

Well, um, let's, yeah, sort of give it a whirl, eh?

Hey you.

Two glossy crows blown on the wind across the dead camp.

And the doctor has come full circle to despair again.

Morning has broken.

The bottle is empty.

The book is written.

No, spoken.

No, better written.

Oh, I don't know, though.

Ah.

Who cares?

All right, Jock.

No, I am not all right.

I am trying to hang myself and it's proving extra all the more difficult.

Would you be kind enough to go a long way away, Bob, and leave me to destroy

myself in peace?

Ah, right.

Fair enough.

Sorry, Jock.

No, sorry, not on. I just can't let you go through with this, Jock.

Indeed. You surprise me, Bob.

Well, I think you ought to try a course of these first, anyway.

Mr. Dacre, will you just pop in here a minute?

Yes, sure.

Anything I can do to help.

What's Dr. Botterby doing to a patient?

What do you mean?

Well...

It looks as if he's been clipping them round the ear hole.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, that's not like Bob.

He doesn't like patients.

But he doesn't hit them.

He doesn't even touch them, if he can help it.

Well, you know he doesn't even like examining them.

Well, you look for yourself.

I swear I have seen six of them coming out of his room this morning, ears as

as beetroots.

It's probably just the trick of the light, Maureen.

Unless... Really?

You're sure?

Any disturbance in the sense of balance?

Yes, I see. Well, thanks a lot, Lois. That's just what I needed to know.

Well, what a shame.

It went fine.

I actually enjoyed it.

My professor even congratulated me on my presentation.

And he stayed the right way up all the time. Well, I'm delighted.

The only thing is, I hate to be a drag.

Go on.

Well, I seem to have picked up some sort of ear infection or something.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I don't know what to just tell you, Bob. It's this thought that occurs to me

about confidence.

If it's anything to do with ears, I don't want to hear about it.

Bob, can I come in? Why not? Why not?

I've been talking to a friend in San Diego, California, Bob.

You know they did a trial there of something that sounds just like your

thing. Oh, yes?

The buzz goes they ran into a few odd side effects.

Ear inflammation, of all things. Really?

Startling frequency.

81 % with impairment of balance in 27%.

Really?

I just thought you ought to know.

Thank you, Rosemary.

I'm getting 70 % and 21%. Oh, dear.

I am sorry, Bob.

You do actually realise, Bob, how appallingly irresponsible it was.

But it was a hamburger product.

You knew about that California research, didn't you?

Well, vaguely. You didn't check it out. No, I didn't.

What are you going to do, gate me for a month, haul me up for a prefect's

beating?

Fair.

Jimmy Partington swore they'd modified it.

Not enough, it seems.

I mean, it's not as if it's a dangerous side effect. No, and it's a bloody

marvellous trank, you've got to admit that.

You know what you've got to do now, don't you?

Stop prescribing it.

Cabulate the evidence. Make a cautiously negative report.

That's not a good result, Stephen.

It's a valuable bit of research.

No Tenerife for Daphne.

No Bermuda.

No consultations in South American pleasure resorts.

No BMW Series 7.

No bloody fun.

No bloody games, back to square bloody one.

At least you've made your mark.

Shall I tell you something, Stephen?

I hate being grown up.

When I was 14 years old, I was head of dormitory, I had to flip out anyone I

liked.

I think of those days with increasing frequency.

Oh, come on, Bob.

That's another thing.

No one calls me Robert.

I don't like being called Bob.

It's not a serious name.

Oh, yes.

Sorry, Bob. Robert.

Just we keep forgetting.

No, it isn't.

Nobody sees me as a Robert.

They look at me and think, ah, yes, there's one of the Bobs of this life.

you see, I thought that this confidant thing I could... Oh, well, mustn't get

more than...

At least they've still got the suit.

Popped it into one of those two -hour dry cleaners this afternoon. Good as

eh? Ah, Bob.

Robert.

I want to thank you. I'll say no more.

You know what I'm talking about.

Oh.

I feel a bit...

That isn't your new suit, is it?

That's all right, Chuck.

Don't give it another thought.

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