Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

This is a fine romance.

Hello, Bill.

You shouldn't have waited up for me.

Well, Bill, I've gone and done it.

I'm going to get married.

I feel ever so peculiar.

I know.

Why don't I bundle you up and we'll run off somewhere together?

Somewhere I've never been.

What about... Clash End?

Or Tortorich?

Did I hear you say Tortorich? Joella? Yes, I didn't wake him up.

I just wanted to tell someone.

About Tortorich? No, about the thief.

My God, me to marry him.

Well, what did you say?

Yes?

Laura, go and make some coffee. No, you make the coffee.

Oh, do you think that's a good idea?

Yes, you'd be thrilled.

Well, I... Are you thrilled, Bill?

Yes, I thought you would be.

I told Laura you'd be thrilled.

I am.

I am.

Incredibly, really.

You may not believe it, but when an old sleepy here proposed to me, I felt

wonderful. Sort of light -headed or trembly.

How do you feel?

A bit peculiar.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry I do.

Well, I'm thrilled.

Can we get back to bed now? No.

I want to hear all about it. What was the restaurant like? Was it candlelight

and soft music?

No candlelight and a loud singer?

And Mike proposed when he'd finished singing.

No, he shouted, will you marry me in the middle of a song.

Shouted? Yes.

And you shouted yes back?

Yes. Well, what did the other customers say?

There weren't any. We were the only two there.

Even if it was late and they'd all gone home?

No, it was early and they'd never arrived.

Just typical of you two.

Why is that?

I don't know.

The way of things.

Now, don't say it like that.

Mike asked you to marry him and you've accepted.

I mean, that's lovely, isn't it?

Don't say the way of things as if it's some awful, inevitable conclusion.

Well, it is in a way. I mean, we both know for some time that we'd have to

settle for each other.

Missy Romance is dead.

You are happy, aren't you?

Oh, yes.

I think so.

I just feel a bit peculiar.

All this time, all these ups and downs, Mike finally proposes, and all Laura

feels is peculiar.

What do you think?

I'm thrilled!

I'm thrilled!

So, I proposed, and she said yes.

Well, many congratulations, Mike.

I really couldn't be more delighted. Thanks, Wilfred.

When's the great day?

What great day?

The wedding day. Oh, I don't know.

It's a funny word, wedding, isn't it?

I've heard funnier.

It's one of those words with a ring of finality to it.

Like terminal, kismet, irrevocable.

I think you should stop there. I recognise the symptoms, you know. The

definition is cold feet.

Stupid, I know, but...

I thought, well, I thought once you'd made the final commitment, things would

sort of unclutter themselves.

Yeah, I'll be honest, Wilfred.

Since I proposed, I've thought of more reasons why we shouldn't get married

I did before I proposed.

Well, that's par for the course.

Well, I thought of running off and enlisting. But you didn't. Oh, no. I

the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Funny thing, though.

Three weeks later, I got called up for national service.

See? Spend the rest of your life with.

That's got a final ring to it as well.

Well, it is supposed to have.

I was looking at that house in the country that did it.

I suddenly realised I didn't want it unless Laura was there.

Hello, it's your way, landscape gardening.

Who?

Oh, Laura.

Hello, this is Mike.

Well, yes, I suppose you would.

What?

When?

Ah, that's terrific.

Ah, it's wonderful.

No, I am not pulling faces.

I'll see you later.

She feels peculiar.

I wish you wouldn't smirk, Wilfred.

You're not a natural smirker. It doesn't become you.

I'm sorry.

What was wonderful and terrific that you were putting faces out?

Laura's mum and dad are coming down. I thought you said they were nice.

Well, they are.

It's just that... I don't know. Things seem to be closing in.

I do wish you wouldn't smirk, Wilfred.

Well, well, well.

My little dumpling getting married.

Yes, your little dumpling's getting married.

We'd almost despaired, you know.

Of course, when I started drawing my old age pension.

Oh, now, don't be silly, dear.

I simply meant that you and Mike... Yes?

Well, it has gone on, hasn't it?

Well, I've only known him a year.

and we haven't seen each other for six months of that.

And not so much in time, in density.

You see, the last we heard, you decided to be just good friends.

Well, we had, but then suddenly he shouted, will you marry me, and I

yes. Shouted?

Yes.

Why should he shout, will you marry me?

Well, look,

does it matter? It's done now.

You make it sound like some awful mistake.

Well, maybe it is.

Nothing's wrong.

It's just nerves. When you've accepted a proposal of marriage, you feel... You

feel... Peculiar?

Yes. Oh, don't touch me! Oh,

that'll be my... Hello.

I think it's lovely news.

Only, uh, be careful what you say to Laura.

Why?

So am I.

Here he is.

Here he is.

Here I am.

Now, congratulations, Mike. Oh, thanks, Phil.

Alice, Tom.

Why did you shout, will you marry me?

Well, there was this singer. Never mind about that.

Well, have you got a kiss for the old dragon?

Oh, certainly.

Not that you are, but I had.

Had what?

A kiss.

Oh!

And there's your Laura.

the rugby on Saturday?

Yes. You know, the French have a place -kicker like Ollie Campbell.

We're not here to talk about rugby.

Well, I certainly don't want everybody talking about Mike and me all the time.

No, of course not.

When's the wedding?

We don't know.

Oh.

Church?

Or register office? We don't know that either.

Perhaps if it'll make everybody happy.

You know about the temper?

It's not temper.

She feels... What?

Peculiar. How do you know?

You told me on the phone.

Oh.

Yes. What about you, Mike?

Quite a step, isn't it? What is?

Marriage. Oh, yes, I suppose it is, darling.

My age.

Don't worry, Mike.

Easiest falling off a log.

Your best man said you were shaking like a leaf when you were waiting in the

church. I wasn't.

Helen looked so beautiful.

So will Laura.

Why couldn't you say that?

You were just going to, weren't you, Mike?

No.

See?

Well, I would have if I'd thought of it.

Well done.

treasuring all the beautiful things you might have said if you thought of them.

Now, look. I know.

I'll get Jenny to look after Bill and we'll all go down and look at Mike and

Laura's house.

Well, we haven't got it yet.

It's office over, you see. We've just made a bid.

We'd love to see it.

Laura?

Well, sure. I mean, get up a coach park, if you like.

I'll go and feed Bill.

talk to Jenny?

All right.

Excuse me.

I must powder my nose.

You know, in life, I

think I'll powder my nose too.

I would have said it if I'd have thought of it.

I know.

You don't have to wear a hat.

Neither do you.

Oh, that might be for me.

I left the number with Wilfred.

Hello, Selway Landscape Garden. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

788 -2196.

Yes, speaking.

Oh, Mr. Baldwin, right.

Mr. Baldwin,

how about the house?

I see.

When was this?

Is that final?

I don't know.

Yes, I realize that.

Yes, if I can, I will.

No, no, no, no.

No, I understand.

Yes. Goodbye.

There's another bidder, isn't there?

Yeah. And he's just outbidded.

Oh, we knew this might happen. You said we could go up another 500 pounds.

I know, but he's gone up another 1 ,000.

Oh, Mike.

Perhaps we can raise it.

Where? I don't know.

Shall I tell you what I'm most happy about?

What's that?

The question of a baby.

With you wanting one and Mike not, well, quite honestly, I thought it was a

difference that couldn't be solved.

But you obviously have.

You've obviously discussed it and decided what you both want to do.

That's what I'm most happy about.

Well, well.

Yes.

Well, it's certainly got character.

Yeah, it's the sort of place you could do things with if you wanted to.

It's not actually derelict, is it?

Well...

Isn't it beautiful?

Yes. Would you like to look round?

There's plenty of land up buildings.

Yes, we'd love to, except... Oh, I've got some wellies in the van.

Oh.

I've only got one pair, though.

Oh, that's all right. Helen can carry me.

Daddy?

Yes, Tom, please?

Unless we can find £2 ,000, we shall lose it.

I know it's a mess, but it won't always be.

Mike loves it, and I love it too, and we've got plans.

It's a dream.

It doesn't take me so long to have a dream.

Would you like a cheque or use banknotes in an old suitcase?

Tell Mike when we get back. I'd like it to come from you.

I'm not very good at that sort of thing. That's all right.

I'm going to look at the outbuildings.

Laura said you wanted to see me. Yes, I thought we should have a little talk,

Mike.

Yes, of course.

Jolly good.

I think there's something you ought to know straight away. I am not a

Aren't you?

Well, that's good, isn't it?

And I don't drink. Well, I do, but not to the falling down stage.

Well, I did fall down once, but I was only 17.

Jolly good. The thing is, Mike, I had a talk with Laura. Well, you need have no

fears on that score.

What score?

Fidelity. No, no.

We were discussing finances.

Ah. Well, I can only promise I'll try. I don't claim to be a potential Paul

Getty, but I do work hard. Mike, I think we're at cross -purposes.

I was talking about a loan.

Oh. You're not offended?

No. But quite frankly, Tom, you've caught me at a bad time.

I don't want you to lend me money. I want to lend you the extra money you

to get your house.

Laura shouldn't have asked you. I'm her father. Even so.

I see here. My...

You're not just getting Laura, you know.

You're getting a family as well, heaven help you.

Now, get your house.

I should telephone straight away if I were you.

Thank you.

Incidentally, just now, were you asking for Laura's hand?

No, I was only trying to explain what a thoroughly decent son -in -law I'll

make. Hard -working, good prospects.

That's very thoughtful.

The only trouble is I end up by borrowing £2 ,000.

You will ask your cousin Sybil to the wedding, won't you?

What?

I don't know. What cousin Sybil?

You met when you were little girls.

You had a terrible fight and fell into the Helleniums.

Why, no. Should I invite her to my wedding?

She invited us to hers.

Do you remember going to her wedding?

We couldn't. She lives in Canada.

Well, then she's hardly likely to make the trip to mine, is she?

No, but she should be asked. Oh, this is absurd. Look, we haven't got a date, we

haven't got a house, and here you are, asking me to invite people to my wedding

who obviously won't come anyway.

Oh!

Oh, I was afraid you'd say no.

He's bigger than me. Get on the phone! Get on the phone!

No to what?

Daddy lent us 2 ,000 pounds to buy the house.

Where did you get 2 ,000 pounds from?

The IMF.

You're secretive sometimes, Tom. Did you know that?

Engage. Oh!

Where's my grandson?

We've sold him.

Why is everybody being silly today?

We left him with Jenny. I don't think tension's very good for babies.

It's my fault, isn't it? I'm sorry. No, it's all of us. Even Phil's afraid.

No, I'm not.

What's happening now?

Mike's phoning the estate agent with an increased offer. But they're engaged.

But that was hours ago. Get on the phone. Try again.

I think we all need a drink.

Who wants a drink?

Very large gin, please.

Good old Alice.

Mr. Turway speaking.

How about the house?

The house I want to buy.

Get by!

Here's the house!

What? Oh.

No, I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Must have dialed the wrong number.

Got a Chinese takeaway.

I think I will have that drink.

What's the number, Mike?

Relax, everyone. I'm lucky like this.

It's ringing.

Hello, this is Mr. Selway speaking.

No, I'm sorry.

Mr. Clark there, please.

Mr. Clark?

Mr. Selway speaking about the house.

Yes.

What?

Yes, but now I'm happy to be able to tell you that I'm in a position to...

that was this morning.

Yes, I understand that, but surely it's not too late.

Oh, I see.

No, no, no.

No, I quite understand.

Yes, goodbye.

It's gone.

It was for cash, you see.

Quit sale, no complications.

End of story.

Oh, dear.

What stinking luck.

Look, I know it's rotten, but it's like that with houses.

No one's lucky first time.

We're never going to be lucky.

Now that's silly.

No, it's not.

It's a...

She didn't mean it, Mike.

Anyway, thanks,

Tom.

I don't want to be alarmist or anything.

The last time Laura ran away, she ran away to Brussels.

But she isn't packed.

She's Laura.

You've got to go after her this time, Mike.

No, I haven't.

Quite. Frankly, I'm beginning to think you both need your faces slapped.

Yes, you're probably right.

But I mean, I don't have to.

If she runs to the right place, all I've got to do is go there and meet her.

He wasn't talking about a suicide pact, was he?

Of course he wasn't.

I hope Laura does run to the right place.

Where did you go?

I went to the E .T.

What was it like?

I don't know.

I panicked, Mike.

I've been panicking all day.

I did notice.

And then not getting the house.

Is life trying to tell us something?

It hasn't said anything to me.

I mean, here we are getting married. We never talked about anything.

You mean a baby?

Yes.

Well, I've changed my mind. I think I'd quite like one.

Oh, that's no good. It's no good just changing your mind to please me.

Oh, I didn't.

It's probably childish, but I think I had to know that you wanted me first.

That is childish. Yes, I know.

I'm probably too old anyway.

Probably.

We are a shambles. I know.

Well, you don't have to keep agreeing with me all the time.

We'll probably become an equation taught in schools.

Mike plus Laura equals shambles.

It's not the only house in the world, is it?

Just as well, really.

Not what you call a flying start.

It'll get better.

Will it?

Oh, yes.

Why, Mike?

Because... Yes?

Well, because... Yes?

I got you some flowers.

The owl must have fallen off.

Are you sure?

I must have done.

It was that when I got it out the shop.

No.

Are you sure you have me?

Well, I could never make a speech like this if I didn't.

Yet did it mash the potatoes A fine romance with

no wrestling A fine romance with no nestling

We two are just as prickly as cactus plants Love hasn't got a charm

It is a fine romance