Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

This is a fine romance.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Well,

it's not as if I can blame drink. All we had was egg and chips.

Oh, I blame anything.

Well, you were together.

It seemed like old times.

And you going home suddenly seemed like a bad idea. Well, you don't have to

explain the circumstances. I was there.

Well, then.

I'm too old to wake up in strange flats.

You used to live here. Well, that's just it, isn't it? I don't anymore. So what

am I doing here?

Making something out of nothing.

Your gift for the well -turned phrase hasn't deserted you. No, no, no, I

mean it.

I mean, we're friends again.

And if sometimes we're loving friends, well, then that's nobody's business but

ours, is it?

That's true, I suppose.

I wonder what Helen will think.

When shall I see you again? I don't know.

What about tonight?

For a meal?

Out.

Oh, all right.

Good. Only not egg and chips.

Who's been a naughty stop -out, then?

He's trying to look lofty. You're not tall enough.

Oh, Laura.

What's the matter?

Oh, Laura.

What?

I was worried about you. Well, I don't know why. You knew where I was. I just

don't want you to make a fool of yourself.

That'll be silly. It's a way of life.

I wish you'd do me the favour of not treating my private life like some sort

home entertainment.

Well, I can't help it. It is.

What he's trying to say, very badly, is, last night, does this mean that you and

Mike are back together again?

Well, of course it does.

They were always going to be back together again. No, it doesn't. I told

She means yes. No, I don't mean yes.

I don't mean no, either.

Well, Laura, what do you mean? Well, Mike and I are friends again.

I don't expect we'll ever be anything else but friends.

And? And we more or less decided that I'm going to move back into the flat.

Kiss. Curtain. Perfect.

We've also more or less decided that Mike's going to move out as soon as he

finds somewhere of his own.

I don't believe I'm hearing this. Well, I know it sounds a bit peculiar. It

sounds bizarre.

But we both worry that if we live together again, well, it wasn't going

anywhere, was it?

And nothing's happened to change that.

I think I'll have a bath.

run the water.

I don't know why you have to be so flippant about everything.

You've got to see the funny side of it, haven't you?

But if Laura's taking the flat and Mike's looking for somewhere else...

forget it. It won't happen.

Look, if you released a million balloons and out of those million balloons just

two got stuck in the same tree, they'd have Mike and Laura's name on them.

You must have the sexiest trowel action in the south of England.

No.

It's a compliment.

Mike called when you were out. He and Laura went off in the van.

So? Do you know where they were going?

Gretna Green? No.

You know that move that Mike wasn't going to make?

Well, he's gone to look at a house.

Oh? Yes. Oh, you and your two balloons stuck up a tree.

I can't remember.

Your father is not infallible.

No, this can't be right.

Are you sure you're not reading the map upside down?

Now, what did you do that for?

I just felt like throwing the map out of the window.

Okay, take date, Matthew.

I thought you asked me along to give an opinion about a house we can't find, not

as a navigator.

Anyway, if you can't draw maps properly... One mile up this lane,

what it says.

Come at least.

Laura!

Come and have a look.

We must have been right on top of it.

Shall we go to the right place?

Oh, don't say things like that.

It is.

It is.

It's like Brigadoon.

It's Harry.

I hope not.

I'm supposed to be taking you out to dinner tonight.

It does say it's in need of some repairs.

You would have to.

I wonder how long it's been empty.

More than a day or two.

No wonder it's cheap.

I think it's beautiful.

Do you really?

Yes.

Let's look inside.

Where is it? There it is.

When I say go, jump back.

Go! Don't kill it!

I don't have to.

Very dangerous things, these, you know.

This is called a hooded hosepipe.

Well, it looked like a snake.

They fix one end of themselves to a tap, squirt water all over you. All right.

I never knew you were such an expert at country law.

I'm not. Well, you sound like an expert. All that, don't move, jump back when I

say go.

It's all Stuart Granger. Do it on a film once.

I could have been bitten.

Or squirted.

If I ever come to visit you, remind me to bring my wellies.

How do you know I want it?

You're not a romantic man, Mike. Ever since you got here, you've looked

distinctly dreamy. Wow.

It would do.

The right size, the right place.

What about the travelling?

Where to?

Well, unless you've made enough money to retire the office.

That's part of the plan.

I'd sell that.

Because here, you see, here, I keep up the landscape gardening, but I

turn this place into a proper garden centre.

Not one of those twee places that sells plastic wishing wells, but a proper one.

Good plants, good advice.

There's plenty of land.

Some of these outbuildings would convert.

Look, I've made a sketch.

It got a bit mucky.

What do you think?

What's this squiggle in the corner?

That's a doodle.

You can see this, can you?

Oh, yeah.

It's ambitious.

Well, I can't muddle my way through life forever, can I?

What do you think?

Well, I think you should put in a bid for it right away.

I intend to.

But do you like the house?

You know, I think it's beautiful.

Despite the snakes.

What do you think, then?

Well, you know what I think.

It's your future, Mike.

You've got to decide.

I'm not making myself plain, am I?

You seldom do.

All right.

This business is about you moving back into the flat and me moving out. Yes.

Well, if I get this place, I think it would be better if we moved in here.

Oh, Mike.

Oh, it's tempting.

It's meant to be.

No, Mike, I'm sorry.

I can't go through that again.

Oh.

If I thought... What?

Hello, Mike. Hello. Hello, Mike.

Come in.

Sit down.

Mike, we... We... We should

mind our own business. No.

We're very fond of you, Mike.

Oh, thank you.

And I don't want to take sides or anything, but don't you think it's time

made up your mind one way or another about Laura?

I did.

I finally did this morning.

When you went to see the house?

Yes.

Laura said it was beautiful.

Could be.

Anyway, she said no.

And you blame her?

I suppose not.

I don't exactly rate myself that much of a catch.

But you are.

Then why don't you blame Laura for saying no?

But to what?

Marriage.

What? I asked Laura to marry me and she said no.

Are you sure about this?

Of course I'm sure.

But she said that if you got the house, you wanted her to move in with you.

Well, I would, wouldn't I?

I didn't envisage us both of us living in different houses.

But don't you see, that's all she thought you meant.

Well, that's very peculiar.

Look, this proposal, did he use the actual word?

Proposal? No.

Marriage. Did he use the word marriage?

No, I don't think I did.

Well, when you know somebody well, you don't always use the exact words, do

But you both know what you're talking about.

You're not quoting today as a prime example, are you?

Took a lot of working up to as well.

You'll ask again?

It looks as though I'm going to have to.

Oh, Mike!

It was the house that did it.

I suddenly realised.

Tonight? You're going out to Villarsca tonight?

In a restaurant.

I proposed to Helen in a telephone box.

No, I don't think I fancy that.

Just say something beautiful, Mike.

Laura would love you to say something beautiful.

Well, if God's sake, make sure she understands the question.

Why I have to get dressed up for a perfectly ordinary dinner, I simply

know. Because.

Because what? Because.

Doesn't she look lovely, Phil?

Yeah, terrific.

Really.

In fact, if I wasn't a happily married man... There's no need to get silly.

Stop it, Laura.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

What's that?

It's a body clip.

It's pretty.

I feel like a Christmas tree.

I'm not even sure I feel like going now. Of course you do.

Well, today wasn't one of my best days, you know. It'll get better. When?

Here he is.

Hello. Hello, Mike. Hello, Mike.

Well,

I must say, you look... Excuse me, you've got something stuck there.

It's meant to be stuck. to me.

Well, it looks very, very... Shall we go?

Yes.

Sparky.

Go on, then. You two have a nice time. Have a lovely time.

Remember what I said, Mike? What?

What did you say?

I can't remember.

Good evening, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

Yes, at Selway.

Selway, Selway. Is that for two, sir?

Yes, that's right.

Ah, here we are. If you follow me, please.

This way, if you please.

Numero Cinque. Subito. Duo.

Buonasera, signora.

Giovanni. Sorry.

Sorry.

May I offer you an aperitif, madame?

And for you, sir.

Yes.

Two gin and tonics, please.

One with ice and one without.

Yes. It's just opened, apparently.

It's good. It's very...

It's very...

cosy. Quiet. Oh, cosy, yes. And quiet.

It's still early.

Oh, yes, of course.

It's bound to fill up later. Oh, it's bound to.

I'll be glad I booked then instead of just taking potluck.

Well, it's always best.

What is the time, by the way?

Half past eight.

Well, it's still early.

Because when I rang, they didn't say they had a table straight away. They had

look.

They were bluffing weren't they?

It looks like it.

We don't even smoke.

It's therapy, I suppose.

Is that not very nice?

It's fine.

It's just that every time I chew it, it sounds like a volley of rifle fire.

It's just typical, isn't it?

You want to know?

No.

It's just that I'd like to... What would you like, sir?

Nothing, thank you. Very good, sir.

It's... It's just that I'd like, well, just once,

for things to be, well, I don't know, the way they're supposed to be.

Who's dead?

I do.

Who says the way things are supposed to be?

Sunday supplements, the inn crowd.

That was the 60s. Oh, I suppose they're the older inn crowd now.

I never seem to see them anyway.

Nor did I.

Signor.

Top it up.

It's just that I'd like to talk to you.

Well, there's nobody else here.

I'm sure they're earwigging.

It's not as if we're having a conversation of a highly personal

No.

But I'd like to.

Go on, then, sir.

Well... Well, this morning, when I was

looking at the house... Excuse me, sir.

You're dark.

Please,

please, please, don't bother. It's all right.

Look, I think we've finished with this, actually.

Of course.

Signora. Grazie tanto, signora.

What about this morning, Mike?

It's sweet for my dad.

For you, sir. Signora, summertime pudding? Very, very good. Very good.

Do you think we could leave it for a bit?

Of course.

Of course.

Avanti!

Signore. It's a lot to be said for a telephone box.

What?

Never mind.

What about this morning?

Well, I got it all wrong.

I didn't mean to say what I did. Well, I did, but I didn't mean it to... It

seemed to mean something other than what I said, what I meant it to mean.

You said what you meant?

No, I meant to, but I got it wrong.

What?

What I meant to say.

Shall we go back to the beginning?

Yes.

I was a romantic girl and

you were so romantic I saw it in your teeth I saw

it glistening

not just like that yes I will oh

Thank you.