Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friends, it is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potato.

A fine romance with no wrestling. A

fine romance.

With no nestlings We might as well play bridge with our maiden arms Love

hasn't got a charm This is a fine romance

Good morning.

Good morning.

May I come in?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

May I sit down?

You're very polite all of a sudden. I'm always polite.

Last time we saw each other, you called me a reptile.

Yes, well, I'm not going to do that anymore.

Thought of a new expression?

I mean row.

I don't think we should row anymore.

We may not be... We don't have to be enemies.

Surely we can be civil. Of course we can.

So, may I sit down?

Of course you may sit down. Thank you.

Not at all.

Look, could we just settle for being non -insulting?

Less of a strain.

Your iron's still on.

Very, very professional.

I have ironed shirts for myself before you.

Who?

Well, I'll be wearing a jacket.

Oh.

There's no need to do that.

It won't take a minute.

You didn't come round here to do the ironing.

No. I decided I would sort out the things in the flat. You know, his and

Well, there's no rush. I mean, if you're happy living with Phil and Helen.

They're lovely.

But their faces are getting very lined.

I know they are.

So, I've decided to give them back their lives.

I'm going to look for a flat.

You could move back in here.

It's only two weeks since you split up with Elaine.

I know.

I mean, what kind of lady killer do you think you've become?

Off with the old and on with the new.

Or to put it more literally, off with the new and back on with the old. No,

on, hold on.

I didn't mean move back in here as a... I meant move back in as

a... Housekeeper, Mrs Danvers. I didn't ask you to iron the shirt.

No, I meant as a friend.

With one bed?

Well... No, I'm going to look at a flat today, so I'd sooner just sort the

things out, if you don't mind.

But I've got to go to work.

I shan't steal anything.

I know that.

Of course.

If there's a room in the house you don't want me to look into, I mean like the

bedroom... Well, why shouldn't I want you to look into the bedroom? Well, with

this new image of yours.

I haven't got a new image.

In any case, if you're so keen to get things sorted out, you'll have to look

into the bedroom.

Well, I won't pry.

I'm going to work now.

How is work?

Oh, it's going very well, thank you.

It's just as well something is.

Morning. Morning.

You're early.

Little Lana was bouncing about like a yo -yo at six o 'clock.

Was she?

Yeah. Wait till you have one.

What's the book?

Homework.

Do you know there's more to this garden than meets the eye?

I've been telling my customers that for years.

For instance, I never realised there are male plants and female plants.

Oh, it's a very sexy business.

Must be very frustrating.

I mean, imagine you're a male plant and you fancy this female plant.

I mean, what can you do about it with your roots buried in six inches of soil?

Morning, mate.

Morning, Wilkins.

Oh, Terry.

Yeah, Wil.

Did you know there were male and female plants?

Oh, yes, that's where the birds and bees come in.

You know, I never realised where that expression actually came from before.

Now, you can see how your parents use it as a way of explaining the facts of

life.

I think it's rather convoluted, personally.

My father tried it on me. Hadn't the faintest idea what he was talking about.

What did you tell your kids?

Oh, had a stiff drink. Tell them the truth.

Probably best.

Yeah, I think I'll do that with Alana when she grows up.

Or dunk girls' arse their fathers.

Ah, well, one of mine did. But to my great relief, Jennifer... I hate

to talk to you family men about work.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Terry, how's that job in Hascom Road coming?

Oh, I should finish it today.

I'd have finished it earlier if they'd keep their boxer indoors.

Have a word.

Well, I did.

Every time you talk to him, he jumps all over you.

I mean the owners.

That's a good idea. I do have them sometimes, you know. Well...

Go on, have a go then. All right. Cheers.

He's a good lad.

Oh, yes, yes, I know.

So, I have a letter here from a customer who's just returned from abroad.

Seems very surprised to find his garden suddenly overgrown.

Probably told everything to stay as it was and hope for the best. Have a crack

at it, will you? That's the address.

Only good.

Oh. Something wrong?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

This chap Maybury, before I was made redundant, we were neighbours, and not

put too fine a point on it... You don't want him to see the depths that you've

sunk to by working for me.

Oh, I wouldn't put it quite like that. You would.

You'd have just used longer words.

You do believe in calling a spade a spade, don't you? I'm a gardener.

Sorry, I was being a bit precious, wasn't I? Just a touch.

Well, damn it.

I'd hardly be proud of having the job on one hand and ashamed of what some

people might think of it on the other. Of course not.

Anyway, why be ashamed of having a job that makes the world a slightly prettier

place? You know, my school captain, he wanted to be a barrister.

If I met him today and he asked me what I'd do, I'd tell him, with some pride.

Yes, you're quite right.

Did he become a barrister, by the way? I don't think so.

Last time I heard from him, he was in prison.

Pull yourself together.

I brought you back your door key.

You shouldn't have bothered.

Should have left it above the door. Well, I finished sorting out the things,

as most of the things in the flat seemed to be mine, I'd sooner it wasn't

burgled.

Ah, fancy some lunch?

Why? It's lunchtime.

Well, I'd like to, Mike, only I've got this flat to look at.

Oh, why don't I come with you? Why?

Why do you have to keep saying why all the time?

Why should you say why don't I come with you? Well, I don't know.

Come.

In any case, you need a man along.

Landlords can get quite, uh...

Funny with a girl on her own?

If he's old enough to think of me as a girl, he'd be too feeble to get funny.

You know what I mean.

There's a bit of a knight -errant about you.

Oh, now, look.

It's nice.

I would like you to come along, actually.

Fine. If you don't mind.

It was my idea. Oh, so it was.

And if we've got any time, we can have some lunch afterwards.

My treat, then.

I offered.

Dutch.

All right, then. Good.

It's reassuring to know we can still decide things without any fuss, isn't

Mike, could I have a word?

I'm sorry.

Miss Dalton, how nice to see you again.

Terry said you were back.

Bad penny. Still enjoying the job?

Oh, yes. Yes, very much.

Well, that is to say, I was.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

Mike, I'm afraid I'm going to have to resign.

Why? Look, do you mind? Why?

Because I simply can't finish the job. I can't stand him or his jibes any

longer. Whose? What jibes?

He's been standing over me all morning.

He began by patronising me, then he built up into what he considers a

thrust. Shafts of wit, like hardly middle management, is it, old boy? And

you on an expense account, or did you bring sandwiches?

Who is this man?

Chappie used to be Wilfred's neighbour.

And you sent Wilfred to work in his garden?

How screamingly sensitive.

Well, I didn't know he was going to carry on like that. You should have told

Well, after you read me the riot hack this morning, I didn't like to.

You've become a tyrant. I haven't become anything of the sort.

Now, first of all, Wilfred, there's no question of resigning. Just switch jobs

with Terry.

I wouldn't do the job at all, blow him. Now, look.

The customer may not always be right, but he's the bloke with the money.

I can see why business is booming.

Mike, I feel in honour bound to resign.

Now, will you shut up about resigning?

Now, please, Wilfred.

When Terry gets back, just you switch jobs with him and get on with it. All

right? That's very kind of you. And if anyone should call, I'll be back later.

We're going to have a look at a flat.

Oh?

You're getting together again, then?

I am glad.

That's it. Number eight.

Can I drive on?

No.

First impressions?

No one in their right mind would stay around long enough for a second one.

Dumb, isn't it?

Well, I admit it doesn't look much at the moment, but empty places seldom do.

I think I could make it very... very... snug.

I've seen dog kennels that look more snug than this place.

Well, the rent's very reasonable.

It would have to be.

You haven't had one good word to say for it, have you? Give me a year or two and

I might think of one. Oh, funny.

Well, I'm not being funny, believe me.

I just don't want you to take this rotten flat. I'll take what rotten flat

want.

Oh. Hello again, Mr Wiggins.

Mrs Wiggins wondered if you'd... Well, I'm still thinking about it.

Only I've got a cod on, you see.

Sorry?

Not that the cod's a problem in itself, no. It's the butter sauce.

You see, if it gets at all lumpy, Mrs Wiggins gets very tense.

And so I have to give it my undivided attention from the start.

Well, I'll just be a couple more minutes, Mr Wiggins.

I'll lay the table.

And he's like something out of Psycho.

I don't believe there is a Mrs Wiggins. But you can't seriously be considering

this place. I have to.

Look, I don't want you to feel that you've been rushed into making a

Mrs Wiggins's cod.

So, if you would like to ring me later, say tonight... Well, yes, that's very

fair. Well, I'll do that. I'll phone this evening, Mr Wiggins.

Would it be impertinent if I was to ask you as to whether there are any

indications?

Well...

I'd say my answer will almost certainly be yes.

Goody -ho.

Almost certainly no.

Goody -ho.

Has he rung? What? Has who rung? Hello, Jerry.

Oh, hello.

I hear you and Mike are getting back together again.

Well... Has who rung?

That Mayberry bloke.

Only I want you to listen to my side of the story first.

Why should I have to listen to a side? What's happened?

I threatened to wrap a shovel round his neck.

You did what?

I threatened to wrap a shovel round his neck.

I'd hardly got there before he started on about Wilf. You can't go around

threatening to wrap shovels round customers' necks.

You already have. Good for you, Terry.

What do you mean, good for you, Terry? Well, this Mayberry bloke is obviously a

troublemaker. Right.

First thing he says.

What, no Wilfred Robinson this afternoon?

Having a light down, is he?

Manual work tar him out, does it? You could have asked him to stop.

Well, I did. By threatening to wrap a shovel around his head.

I wish you had.

And I do wish you'd keep out of this.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?

I'm getting a roll of kin.

He threatened to hit Mayberry with a shovel.

Did you really?

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

You're all grinning like Cheshire cats.

Subway Landscape Garden.

Ah, Mr Mayberry.

Yes, I just heard.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I was just on my way around to see you.

Indeed, it was inexcusable.

You blame me for sending you what?

Just hold on a minute, will you?

Mr. Mayberry, no, no, no, no. You listen to me.

I did not send you a broken -down personnel manager and a violent yob.

I sent you two decent, hard -working people who are prepared to work for a

living, and that's what they get paid for.

Not to be subjected to mindless sneers from someone who has the effrontery to

feel superior, because presumably his employers don't realise what a bunch has

jumped up.

twit he really is.

Never swore once.

I still shouldn't have brought shovels into it, though. My dad always said to

me, if you're thinking of hitting someone, always count to ten first.

Then hit him.

If it occurs to me, I know lots of people round there, most of them with

gardens, and, well, they're not all mavericks.

That's a good idea, Wilf.

We'll drive round one Saturday.

Ah, yes, fine.

Right, I'd better be off.

I like to play with Alana before she goes to bed. Oh, I'd better be off too.

Joan always worries about me.

Bye, Miss Dalton. Bye, Derek. Yes, bye.

Bye, mate. I expect we'll be seeing more of you now, eh?

Family man.

Yes.

Well... Well... I suppose...

I could cook us egg and chips.

I'd like that.

leave the best bit of your meal till last, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Best chip.

Best bit of egg. I've always done that.

I eat my best bit first.

Probably significant.

Probably means something.

What do you think it means?

I haven't a clue.

Probably something to do with impetuosity and caution.

I mean, what was the last cautious thing I did?

What was the last impetuous thing you did?

Oh, I don't know.

Probably when I wrote to Hedy Lamarr.

What was that?

1954.

I was in love with her, you see.

Did she write back?

No. Black Mark Hedy.

Probably just as well.

Couldn't have lived on my pocket money.

I fell in love with Charles Lawton when he played the hunchback of Notre Dame.

It's different.

It was that one sad eye.

Did you do anything impetuous?

Oh, yes.

Found out where he was making his next film, got a bus, went to the studios and

asked to see him. What happened? They wouldn't let me in.

It's all right, though.

I never felt quite the same about him after he started playing two -eyed parts

again.

Don't take that flat.

Got to phone him tonight.

I know.

Say no.

The rents are reasonable.

He ought to pay you to live in a hobble like that.

It was awful, wasn't it?

Even I wouldn't live there.

Well, perhaps when I get my translation work going again, pick up the threads

from Brussels.

If it's none of my business, please tell me so, but you must have made a lot of

money in Brussels. What happened to it? I spent it.

I always spend money when I'm unhappy.

Why didn't you come back?

I did?

Earlier.

On your terms?

Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that.

I would.

Phone Wiggins.

I wonder if his butter sauce was up to scratch.

I hope so, for his sake.

Ah, Mr Wiggins.

Laura Dalton.

Yes. Look, I'm sorry, Mr Wiggins, but I've decided not to take the flat.

I'm very sorry. I hope it won't inconven... Sorry?

Oh, yes, of course. Yes.

Goodbye, Mr Wiggins.

He's in the middle of a red custard.

Well, that's that.

Good.

Look, I've been thinking.

You oughtn't to be looking for a flat at all.

This is where you should live.

Oh, Mike.

I don't know.

I should move out.

What?

Well, most of the things in it are yours. You certainly turned it into a

didn't. You're confusing me. I don't mean to. Oh, what a mess.

You're not a mess. No, I didn't mean me. I mean us.

I suppose we always have been, really.

Well... Well, look, I'll have to think about it.

I must go. Phil and Helen will wonder what's happened to me.

Don't go tonight.

What?

Stay.

Are you trying to seduce me?

Yes.

I mean, we're such a mess.

What's happening?

I'm moving in, you're moving out, sometimes, when, and in the meantime,

trying to seduce me all over again.

Yes.

Well, do try and put some words together. You were eloquent enough when

telling Mabry what to do with his job on the phone. Oh, I was different. I

didn't like him.

Well, I wish I'd never thought of egg and chips.

I thought you were trying to seduce me. Well, perhaps I was.

I missed you.

Yes, I missed you too.

I better phone Phil and Helen.

You did the ironing.

That was before I thought of egg and chips.

Hello, Phil?

Um, it's Laura.

Look, there's nothing to worry about, but I'm going to stay out all night with

friend.

Yes, of course it's Mike.

He's laughing.

Will you stop laughing?

A fine romance with no wrestling

A fine romance with no nestling We two are just as

prickly as cactus plants Love hasn't got a charm It is a fine

romance