Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

Not a chance.

This is a fine romance.

Laura's packing.

What? Laura's packing. Just pass the room. She's packing.

What's she up to now?

Packing.

I know that. I mean, why?

Oh, I've given up asking why Laura does anything.

Well, I'd better go and find out.

Well, what's Bill going to do? Mow the lawn?

When you grow up, Bill, I hope you don't find it too embarrassing to have a mad

aunt.

Laura? What are you doing?

I thought I'd go and see my madame for the weekend.

Oh, I was just throwing out to tell you.

You didn't think I was going to do anything silly again, did you?

No.

You did.

Well, be honest.

This hasn't been the sanest period in your life, has it? No.

But it's going to change now. I'm quite excited about that.

Oh, good.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Find a nice flat.

What about Mike?

He's already got a nice flat.

The one we used to live in. You know what I mean. No, I don't know what you

mean. Now, why should everyone suddenly assume, because I came back from

Brussels, that Mike and I were going to pick up from where we left off? Because

you did.

Oh, was it that obvious?

No.

Fairly obvious.

Do you see? They all get on each other's nerves.

Oh, yes.

Well, that's a good sign, isn't it?

There are no good signs.

What's the point in looking for good signs?

Elaine, you mean. Yes.

I can't help it if Mike's suddenly displaying a sudden predilection for

teenagers. You said she was thirsty.

Well, young women, then.

Fight back.

I would.

You've got the ammunition.

You can't blame him, you know. As far as he knew, you've gone for good.

He must have been lonely.

Well, I don't blame him. I just... I'll blow him anywhere. I've got my life to

get on with.

Put Bill back in the pram.

Couldn't stand the suspense.

I'm going to see Mum and Dad for the weekend.

Oh, that's good.

Nice. Hello.

Yes.

That must be my taxi. Give them our love. When will you be back?

Oh, Monday morning, I should think.

Depends how much I get on their nerves.

Bye. Bye, Laura.

That good came out a bit too quickly, didn't it? Yeah, it did a bit.

I was just thinking of having a whole weekend to ourselves at last.

Except we were going out Sunday night.

That's all right. Laura wasn't coming.

I know.

She was going to babysit for us.

Hello, Daddy.

Hello, Dumpling.

Come see you. Well, that's good, isn't it?

Isn't that good?

Only for the weekend.

Johnny good.

Alice, you let your mother know. If anyone arrives unexpectedly, she always

the house is in an awful mess.

Look who's here.

The house is an awful mess.

It'll be a nice surprise.

Oh, it is, except the house is in an awful mess. Hello, dear. Hello, Mummy.

How's my little grandson?

Oh, he's fine.

And Helen?

She's fine, too.

How's your uncle?

He's fine.

How am I?

Well, we don't know, dear. You know that.

I'm fine.

Just for the weekend.

It suits you. It really does.

We were lucky to get a table. They get quite crowded at lunchtime.

It's half empty in the pub.

I thought this would be more lively.

Oh, it is.

Very lively.

Have you decided?

What are you going to have?

A number seven. Oh, I'll have the bread.

You don't like cooked cheese.

Oh.

Do you want me to read it out to you?

No, thank you.

You vain old thing.

Well, it is a bit dim in here, isn't it?

They suit you.

No, no, no, they really do.

That's the A to Z that get you.

Pardon? The A to Z, all those tiny little street names.

One day you just can't read them.

And then you realise that for the rest of your life you'll never be able to

them without wearing glasses.

Street names in A to Z isn't exactly a vital part of life, is it? No.

Which makes me wonder how much else of you is going into decline.

Shall we order?

Yeah, well, if ever I can attract the attention of... Ah, there you are.

A number 7, please. One number 7.

And I'd like number 3, please. One number 3.

And a number 14.

Number 14.

What about the wine? That was the wine.

That it?

Yes, thank you.

What a charming girl.

I thought you didn't like gushy service.

Well, I don't like gushy service, but I don't object to the odd trickle of

civility.

How's Laura?

I don't know how Laura is.

I haven't seen her lately.

Why ask about Laura? Because you're ratty.

She'd love that.

Mike, I've had some news about my job.

Huh?

It seems I'm to move off a bracket in the stores I demonstrate in. Oh, good.

And as most of the stores are in London, I shall be moving down here.

To live? Yes.

Oh.

Oh, good.

One number seven, one number three, one number 14.

158. Thank you.

You're just four years old.

V .E. Day.

You've got a little flag.

V .E. Day?

That's a tram in the background.

Yeah. Was I allowed to pack the horses?

They weren't horse -drawn, dear.

Don't be silly.

Oh, there's one of your fathers showing off in his uniform.

Let me see that.

I'm not showing off at all. I'm just standing there.

You're showing off.

You've got your arms folded.

You always folded your arms when you were showing off.

You wore some very saucy hats in those days, didn't you?

Chic. Ah, there she is.

Pretty little girl.

Helen? Yes.

You're in it as well, Dumpling.

reading. You always had your nose in a book.

What? Playing with the other children.

Perhaps you're in one of your moods.

I've got a silly hat on as well.

You'd love that hat. Oh, I would, wouldn't I? You used to sleep in it.

I must have been a weird child.

All right, that's it. I recognise the signs you're overtired.

I'm not overtired.

Well, I'm ready for bed.

I'll be up in a minute.

Good night, India.

Good night, Mummy.

We'll have a nice long talk in the morning.

Yes, in the morning.

We were very proud of your reading, you know.

I don't know what to do.

I wish you could be happy.

Mummy doesn't want to talk about it, does she?

She doesn't know what to say.

I mean, being a parent doesn't automatically make you wise.

Aren't you wise?

Anyone whose idea of showing off is folding his arms, can't they?

And these problems, you see, they didn't exist in our day.

Well, they must have done.

There were men then, weren't there?

There were women.

Yeah, but all this living together.

Do you think it's immoral?

No, confusing.

Well, I'm not living together, am I?

I mean, you can't run off for six months and then expect to come back to find

everything the same, you know.

Helen said that.

Did you want it to be?

Helen said I did.

You always had such a clear mind.

I know.

You do when you're on your own.

You're on your own now. Yes, I know, but I don't seem to have a mind.

I don't know what's happened to it.

You haven't seen one lying around anywhere, have you?

Ah.

Did you and Mike ever discuss marriage?

Not discuss, no.

Apparently, he once nearly proposed to me.

What do you mean, apparently?

Well, he told me he did.

Well, surely you must have been there at the time.

Yes, but I was asleep.

I can't think of anything to say about that.

No.

Anyway, I told Helen I was going to get on with my life.

Well, that sounds very positive.

Yes.

Except that I don't actually know what it means.

Why don't you go to bed?

Yeah, I think I will.

What about you?

In a minute.

You know, if we'd had more talks like this, I'd be better at them.

So would I.

Good night, company.

Good night, Daddy.

What are you doing?

Looking at the cemetery across the road.

Just because you've got reading glasses doesn't mean you need to think that far

ahead.

It's quite lively on a Sunday.

Well, perhaps lively is not the right word.

We often used to... Well, anyway, what would you like to do this afternoon?

Well, actually... Mike, would you mind if I went back to Birmingham today

instead of in the morning?

I wasn't going to suggest we sit and look at the cemetery all afternoon.

No, I know.

Which is the job, you see. Moving down here, there's quite a lot of things to

clear up.

Yes, of course.

Well, I may as well go now, actually.

Um... When you move down to London... You don't want me to move in with you,

you? No. Well, don't mess about. Give me a direct answer.

That sounds awful, doesn't it?

Honest. Not flattering, but honest.

It's not you.

It's me.

You see, being with someone some of the time is not the same as being with

someone all of the time.

Oh, no, well, that's obvious, isn't it?

What I mean is... Mike. No, let me finish.

What I mean is that we like the best of each other.

I think all the rest, the bits in between... Mike. No, because there are

between. There are the dull bits and the tired bits and the angry bits.

And when you balance all those bits up against the best bits, well, it's a

terrible risk, isn't it?

Mike, if you'd have asked me to move in, I'd have said no.

Oh, I see.

Well, don't look injured. You just explained it yourself.

Do you mean to say that you understood what I was talking about? Yes.

You were talking about Laura.

Oh, she's got nothing to do with it.

Oh, yes, she has.

Because with her, you got as close to taking that terrible risk as you're ever

going to get.

And you're the same sort of people.

Oh, what sort would that be? Dull.

Oh, thanks.

Well, nice.

dull. Oh, that's even better.

Not to each other, to me.

Now, come on, let's stay honest.

What am I to you?

Well, certainly not dull.

Tiring.

Yes.

Wine bars and street markets and all -night showings of Cary Grant movies at

NFT.

It's not you, is it? Oh, I fell asleep.

Missed the second film entirely.

Would be a disaster.

I'm too old to be a disaster.

I'm too young.

I think I'll get my things together.

Thanks, Mike.

What for?

The best bits.

Because they were lovely.

No, Jenny, of course it's not your fault.

No, you haven't let us down at all.

Yes, some other time.

Bye. Oysters.

How far have we been moved for?

The babysitter's let us down. We'll have to settle for fish fingers.

She promised.

I had no kids today. Got no consideration for other people at all.

She's got a cold and she didn't want to give it to Bill.

Well, that's thoughtful, isn't it?

I was really looking forward to this evening out.

Well,

That's the trouble with being parents.

You don't get enough chances to play grown -ups.

Well, I might as well take this off.

On the other hand, we can always play grown -ups at home.

I thought you were in the mood for oysters.

I'm adaptable.

If that's anyone who looks in the least bit like a babysitter, drag him in.

Back on the oysters.

Hello. Mike!

I was wondering if Laura was in. No, she's ageing her mother and father at

moment. Sorry.

She's visiting Mum and Dad, Mike. We're not expecting her back till Monday

morning.

Did you want to see Laura about anything special?

No, no, no.

You look nice.

Thank you.

We were going out, actually, but the babysitter had to let us down at the

minute. Oh, that's bad luck.

You ever done any babysitting, Mike? No.

Well, if he's not doing anything...

Well, I wouldn't mind.

What have I got to do?

Oh, make yourself at home, pour yourself a drink, watch television. Oh, I think

I could handle that.

And what happens if the baby wakes up? Well, uh, jiggle him about a bit.

That's all the same, Mike.

Well, the restaurant is only five minutes away, you know.

That's true.

He's a good sleeper, is Bill.

That's true as well.

Look, leave the number of the restaurant, and if anything happens that

handle, I'll get the baby to give you a call.

No, I'd like to, really.

We won't be late.

Now, you will call... I promise.

Come on, before you change your mind.

Thanks, Mike.

Have a nice time. Bye.

You were supposed to be at your parents'. The conversation dried up.

What do you know about babysitting?

More than I did an hour ago.

Is he all right?

Of course he's all right.

He woke up and had a little cry, that's all.

What did you do?

Well, I jiggled him about a bit.

But he didn't seem to like that.

So I just chatted to him till he went to sleep.

What did you chat to him about?

Football.

Gardening.

You.

What did you say to him about me?

There's no need to ask like that.

He's not going to tell anybody, is he?

I just think it's a peculiar subject to talk to a baby about, that's all.

Well, no, it isn't.

I came to see you, but you weren't here, so I finished up chatting to the baby.

What did you want to see me for in the first place?

I thought we could go and have a drink.

We can't leave the baby. In the first place.

And have a chat.

What about?

Us.

Oh.

Go on, then.

Hiya,

Mum and Dad.

We're fine.

It's not about us.

Funny.

That's what I went to see them about, having a chat.

How did that work out?

Not very well.

Every time I tried, Daddy patted me on the head and Mummy brought up the

photograph album.

We should chat to each other.

We are.

Right.

I'll start.

Right.

Elaine said something today.

Really?

Yes, really.

Now, look, do you want to listen to this or not? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Right.

Well, I was talking about the dull bits of life, the tired bits and the angry

bits, and she said I was talking about you.

Do spit in her eye for me the next time you see her.

I shan't be seeing her.

What? It's finished.

This afternoon.

And you came round here to see me this evening?

Yes.

You reptile. What do you mean?

What do I mean?

Miss Wonderful walks out on you, and not only did you come round here to get me

back, but you try and do it by quoting her juvenile opinion.

If you're going to resort to abuse, at least don't be repetitive.

I'll think of something better in a minute.

Let go of the door. You let go!

All right.

Look, you've got this all wrong.

Really?

Yes, really.

For a start, Elaine did not walk out on me.

Did you hear that?

I must have done.

She was talking about moving down to London and I thought she wanted to move

with me and I suddenly realised I didn't want her to.

Because of me?

No.

Not directly, I mean.

Oh, I don't know.

You don't have a monopoly on feeling confused, you know.

Start just... that if we don't talk... I'm fairly sure of

one thing.

Not sure.

Fairly sure.

I explained it better to the baby.

This is a fine romance.