Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yet it is not the top tone.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

What a charm.

This is a fine romance.

Laura! Laura!

What's the matter?

Look.

Very nice.

It's not very nice. It's a triumph.

I vowed I'd get back into this dress after having a baby, and I have.

Diet, exercise, yes?

You're horribly disciplined, aren't you?

Yes. Jealous? Yes.

Woman, your Lord and Master's home.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

It's that dress, isn't it?

I have nothing but happy memories of that dress.

Dream of the time.

Hello, Laura.

I coughed because I couldn't get out of the room without you seeing me.

That's all right. It's not all right.

It's not all right at all.

Sort of broke the mood, didn't it?

Poor Laura.

I hate her feeling she's in the way.

Well, she is, isn't she?

Well, sometimes.

But she gets it out of proportion.

I mean, it's not as though we were about to leap into bed, was it?

Wasn't it?

What do you mean? I'm washing up. I can see that. And I was listening to the

radio.

Look, you didn't interrupt anything.

I'd like to hear Phil say that.

Phil, I didn't mean it.

What? Laura wants to ask you something. No, she doesn't. Oh?

I really don't. You said you did.

Well, I don't. You're turning it into one of those conversations, isn't it?

It's me.

Oh, I know.

No, he's right. Let's face it, I've got to find somewhere else to live.

I'm in the way here.

Well, go on, say I'm not.

Well, not all the time.

You're ever such a help with the baby. You don't need help with the baby.

You're indulging me.

Sometimes I even think the baby indulges me.

Tonight, when I was bathing him, he looked up at me and his little face was

saying, you're not very good at this, but I know you mean well.

Have you got any money?

Not much.

Well, that's a good start.

What about Mike?

Well, I'm not asking Mike for money.

No, I mean the flat.

You used to go hard with the rent.

Most of the furniture's yours, not to do something.

Phil's right.

Sounds a bit News of the World -ish, doesn't it?

Linguist and landscape gardener in Loveness tug -of -war.

I'm not talking about sewing.

You're still friends, aren't you?

I suppose we are.

Well, have a chat.

I suppose I could.

Look, if you need the money... Well, Saturday tomorrow, I'll go round and see

him. Right, that's settled. I'm off to the pictures now.

You don't have to go to the pictures. I know you don't have to, but I want to.

Oh, what's on?

A film.

Phil, will you talk to her, please?

Yes, I will.

It's plucky little cinema -goers like you that'll help the film industry

survive.

Now, you're not going.

That's final.

All right.

I didn't really want to anyway.

Good.

The theater.

Did you forget your key again?

Oh, sorry.

Um, can I help?

Well, I was looking for Mike Selway, but perhaps he doesn't live here anymore.

Oh, yes, he does. He'll be back in a minute.

Would you like to come in and wait?

Oh, no.

I don't think I would like to come in.

I'm Laura Dalton.

Elaine Davis.

Laura Dalton.

I'm sorry, you're saying it as though it's supposed to mean something.

Am I?

No. It doesn't mean anything at all.

Oh, sit down. Can I get you a coffee?

No, thank you. Then would you excuse me? I don't mean to be rude, but I really

do have to get dressed.

Oh, of course, go ahead.

I couldn't get any artichoke hearts, so I got sprouts. Is that all right?

Oh.

Hello.

Elaine is getting dressed.

She was having a bath.

I gathered that. You should have phoned.

I'm sorry, I didn't realise I had to make an appointment to see you.

No, I didn't mean that. I meant I wasn't expecting you.

Obviously.

There.

What was that you said about artichoke hearts?

I couldn't get any, so I got Sprite.

You are sweet.

Look,

um, I've got to dash.

Nice to meet you. Laura Dalton. Yes.

Bye.

I'll see you tonight, Mike.

Yes, I'll see you tonight.

Would you like a coffee or something? No, thank you.

That was Elaine.

Yes. She told me.

She's a nice girl. Yes, I'm sure she is.

She's a demonstrator.

She demonstrates things.

Really?

Gadgets.

How nice.

She gets down to London sometimes?

I suppose she must do, otherwise she wouldn't be here.

Look, about Elaine... Look, Mike, you don't have to explain.

We split up. We've gone our separate ways for six months.

That's true.

Time hasn't frozen.

Things haven't stood still.

For either of us.

Oh?

No.

Well, that's fair enough.

They don't, do they?

Who?

Things stand still.

No, indeed they don't.

I've been meaning to phone to arrange that get -together, but I've been pretty

busy. Quite.

You still staying with Phil and Helen? Yes, actually, that's what I came to see

you about. Oh?

Well, you know, it's not really fair on them with the baby and everything, and

now Helen getting into that dress again.

What dress?

No, just sit with the baby and everything.

So the long and the short of it is that I've got to start thinking about getting

somewhere else to live.

And not here.

A place of my own. Oh, yes.

Good idea.

Yes.

Only... Well...

When I lived here... When I moved in... Oh, of course, the furniture.

Some of it's yours.

Most of it, actually.

You want it back?

Sounds rather me to put it like that.

No. We lived with it, on it.

And I seem to have taken it for granted, even after you left. It just seemed

part of the flat.

Well, it was.

And then there's the rent. You paid half of that all the time you were here. No,

I didn't want any of that. You've had to find the extra money.

Oh, business is better.

Yes.

I sold the van and the office the other week. Oh, that's partly due to you as

well, all that free time you put in.

Well, I didn't mind. I enjoyed it. And then there's the deposit on the flat.

We went halves on that as well.

Oh, this is going to be tricky.

I didn't mean it to be.

That's life.

I mean, the furniture's...

Pretty simple.

All we have to do is to identify what belongs to you, and then you can take it

away. But the other things, we're going to have to put a price on them.

And I'm blurred if I know how.

Oh, it's awful.

Sounds like alimony.

No, because it doesn't go on, does it? It's a final reckoning we're after.

Now then.

Elaine's a demonstrator, you say?

Yes. Gadgets.

When I saw the blazer, I thought for one awful moment she was still at school.

She's not that young. She's 30, as a matter of fact. Oh.

That young. She stayed the night. Is that what you're fishing for? Well, I'm

fishing for anything.

Obviously, she stayed the night. I didn't think she just popped in for a

Now, look.

If you want to know... No, I don't want to know anything about her.

Fine. How often does she get up to London?

You're jealous.

I'm not.

That's rich, that is. You were the one who moved out in the first place. Not

with somebody else. I only met Elaine about a month ago. Oh, yes?

Well, there's no point in raking over hot toads, is there? Ashes. Ashes,

No, no, indeed there isn't. In any case, we've got to sort out this money

problem of yours.

You don't think I'm being mercenary?

No, I think it's being perfectly fair. It's just difficult to know how to work

out, that's all.

Excuse me.

Hello. Ah.

Hello, Cheryl.

No, I can't tonight.

Yes, I'd love to, but I'm going to be rather busy tonight.

Hmm.

OK.

Give love to Alana.

Goodbye.

Now then, where were we?

Well, that's mine for a start.

That's yours.

Check.

And that?

lavatory brush.

Yes, I distinctly remember you buying it. Oh, for goodness sake, I don't want

the lavatory brush.

The mood you've got into it's a wonder you're not demanding custody of the

washing -up liquid.

Well, if you've made it last for six months, it's obvious you haven't done

washing up.

Unless, of course, these girls bring their own.

Girls? What girls? What are you talking about?

By Cheryl, love to Alana.

Cheryl is a married woman.

That's nothing to boast about.

She is married to Terry, who works for me, remember?

Yes, oh.

She and Terry invited me round to dinner tonight, where I would have had some

passionate exchanges with their daughter, Ilana, who is 14 months old.

Well, don't tell me Elaine's a distant cousin. I don't get a chance to tell you

anything about Elaine. Each time I start, you say you don't want to know. I

don't. Then why keep bringing her up? It's just a question of who's been

sleeping in my bed.

You're getting the bed back anyway. Would you like to charge for wear and

I'm not being boastful.

As a matter of fact, Elaine is... I don't want to know!

It's one thing, just one thing. I'd love to know one thing. What?

What on earth do you see in her?

Somebody who doesn't keep pushing me into corners.

Oh.

Now, can we get on with the matter in hand?

Don't keep asking you about the men in your life whilst you were in Bruttles.

Just as well. I've forgotten most of their names.

Who's being crude now?

There was one.

Okay, fine.

What was he like?

He'll probably be coming over soon. I'll introduce you.

What's he like?

Georges.

Very wealthy.

Very good -looking and very young.

Well, he is very wealthy.

He's not what you call young, and as far as looks go, he's... Well, he's...

Stout. Fat? Yes.

There's nothing wrong with that, as long as he's a nice chap.

Fat people are very jolly.

And astonishingly light on their feet.

There we are, then.

When's he coming over?

He's not.

Oh, he gave you the elbow, did he? No, he did not.

Actually, he asked me to marry him. That's why I came back.

Oh.

That's going to be a bit tricky.

I didn't come back to you. Don't flatter yourself. I just came back.

Fine.

We understand one another.

What about the bed linen?

What? Well, we bought most of the new stuff together.

Perhaps we should halve it. Probably best.

Not tear it in half.

Half each?

Half each, yes.

Do you realise it's the first family we've had to ourselves since Laura came

back from Brussels?

Nice, wasn't it? It's nothing.

Just us and Bill.

You know, I never get a chance to play with him when Laura's around.

You jealous?

No, I just want him to know who I am, that's all.

And then a chance to watch Grandstand at Peaceful Weeks, either.

We didn't watch Grandstand.

No.

And then a chance to do that, either.

I'm not getting a Laura.

I mean, she can't find somewhere to stay. She can stay here, of course she

So it'll have to be nice just for a few hours and not have to worry about her.

Yes.

Ten o 'clock, why? Well, I'm a bit worried about her. Oh.

She should have been back by now.

No, she's old enough to stay out after dark, you know.

I bet she's still at Mike's.

Of course she is.

Sorting out what belongs to who is bound to take a long time.

Anyway, they're probably out for a meal together.

Maybe she'll even stay.

What, overnight?

Well, we did used to live together, you know. Even so.

You're becoming a prude.

That's not what you said when we weren't watching Grandson.

We're married, aren't we? It's all above board.

Do you think she really might stay overnight?

Oh, I don't see why not.

Being back in the flat together, remembering, tinkling piano in the next

apartment, all that sort of thing. Who's to know?

Baby!

On the other hand... So... Sorry I'm late.

That's all right.

How did you get on?

Oh, it's going to take ages.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Phil, but it is.

Mike wants to be fair, more than fair, but it's very complicated.

I mean, how do you work out wear and tear on a city that he's been sitting on

for six months?

He hasn't been sitting on it all the time, has he?

And I can't take back the deposit on the flat, because I must have used up some

of it when I was there.

It's a good fraction to work with.

Why?

Makes the sums easy.

You have to forgive Brain Box. He's been in a silly mood all day.

Well, anyway, we've made a start.

I think I'll go to bed.

You don't have to go.

No, I know, but I'm tired.

It's been a funny sort of day.

Have you eaten?

Yes, I had supper with Mike.

And his new girlfriend.

Elaine.

She's very nice. She's a very nice girl. She's a really nice girl.

Young. Yes.

And attractive.

Well, well.

He didn't waste much time, did he? Oh, now, be fair, Helen. I mean, I could

come back married.

But you didn't, did you?

No, Mike wasn't to know that. What was he meant to do, live like a hermit in

case I turned up?

No, if Mike's been lucky enough to find a very nice, very young, attractive

girlfriend, then I say good for Mike.

I don't believe a word of that.

Neither do I.

Good film.

Here.

What are you doing? What's it about?

What are you doing? Tell me what it's about.

Well,

it's about this chap who's lost his memory and has been charged with a

doesn't remember committing.

Well, go on.

Well, that's it. He's been charged with murder.

He was found not guilty half an hour ago.

Oh, was he?

What are you doing that for?

I'm striking a blow for selective viewing.

Mike.

You may find it hard to believe, but I've never been in a situation like

What situation?

There is no situation.

No?

Oh, Laura, you mean.

Yes. Laura, I mean.

You never mentioned her.

No.

It's got nothing to do with now, has it?

Well, I accept that she wanted you to ask her back.

Oh, rubbish.

She did.

No, no, no.

It's all finished.

What if I hadn't been here this morning?

You were.

I just wish I hadn't looked like something the cat had dragged in.

I think girls look very nice when they've just got out of the bath.

Not to other girls.

You've just lost me.

I mean, why light? you, Mike.

Oh, I like you.

The thing is, despite all my worst intentions, I liked Laura.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with that.

She's a nice person.

Most of the time.

And now she's back.

Yes, I'm very typically confusing everything the minute that she is.

I don't know why you want to talk about it.

Because I shall be in Birmingham all next week.

Well, what's that got to do with it? She's closer than I am. Yeah, well,

I've told you, Laura and I, well, we've run our course.

Well, I think she's getting her track shoes back on.

I know what I should do. So do I. What? Stop talking about Laura.

I wasn't going to. I was going to talk about me.

Well, we've never gone in for any of that soul -bearing business.

I'm not bearing anything. I mean, I know what I should do.

I should go off to Birmingham tomorrow and disappear from your life at

Junction. I should exit gracefully. No.

But... I'm not going to because I'm not that nice.

If Laura wants a fight, she'll get one.

A what fight? There is no fight.

Oh, yes, there is.

But right now, I'm here and she's not.

Which gives me the first round to build up a points lead.

About not bearing anything.

I didn't mean that to be taken too literally.

Laura.

You can't possibly know that.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Laura.

No, no, no, we were just watching television.

Tomorrow?

Yes, I know there are lots of things in the flat still to clear up, but... Well,

look, in fact, tomorrow is not a very good day for me.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I know I work on Mondays, but...

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestling. We two are just as

prickly as cactus plum.

Love hasn't got a charm.

It is a fine romance.